The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 26 - Scratch My Car and Die - full transcript
Rob has just bought a new car, which he can't stop admiring. On day two of ownership, Rob is planning on driving to work so that he can show it to Buddy and Sally. Laura puts a small crimp in his plans since their station wagon is in the shop, so she needs to drive the new car as it is her day to carpool the children to school. Rob is paranoid that the kids will destroy any newness to the car and that Laura will get into an accident. Sure enough, a large scratch on the passenger side materializes while Laura has the car out for the day, although the scratch is due to no fault of her own. Still, she knows that Rob is going to kill her because of it. Laura has to decide whether to tell Rob and receive his certain wrath, or hide the fact of the scratch until she can get it repaired, which means tricking him into not driving the car to work the next day. Perhaps Rob will understand that an accident can happen to anyone, even a distracted comedy writer.
[theme music]
NARRATOR: The Dick Van Dyke Show, starring Dick Van Dyke,
Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews,
and Mary Tyler Moore.
[music playing]
Hey, honey.
Come here a minute, will you?
LAURA: Darling, I've already seen the car.
Come on.
You haven't seen it from this angle yet.
Oh, god.
Oh, don't be that way.
Come on, look at that.
Will you look at that shaft of moonlight
shining on our Tarantula.
Sure does glisten, boy.
It's not chrome, honey.
That is stainless steel.
[horn honks]
Oh, Come on, Rich, that's enough.
Hey, Rich, knock it off.
That's enough now.
Oh, honey, is that dreamy?
Is that a model car?
No, that's sports.
Is that god status?
Uh!
The driving of it, it's so effortless, so smooth.
It is like smoothie.
Who can we call?
The most jealous of it, Jerry, of course.
Rob, you're gloating.
Well, why not?
Honey, I hadn't had a good gloat in the last five years
as we got our last new car.
Honey, did you notice the way the counter stuff, the handles.
That counter stuff has no wind resistance at all there.
The whole car's that way, aerodynamic.
Well, even the A's race, teardrop designed,
do you not understand?
Did you notice you're a nut?
Only about things automotive.
I love growing, all right.
When?
Well, I don't know.
When I get a new helicopter, I guess.
Oh, I may just chip in.
I don't think it could be any more giddy about that.
Jer?
This is Rob.
Ah, my friend, you are speaking to a gentleman
who just took delivery on a brand new Tarantula
at the Park Avenue.
Shall I roast today?
I am not.
It's parked right out in front of the house right now.
Come over my friend and take a look at this automobile.
What do you mean you can't?
What?
Jerry, you can go to a second show, can't you?
What do you mean in the morning?
Jerry, I'll be driving it to work in the morning.
Hm.
No I-- not.
All right. No.
Forget it, Jerry.
It's all right.
Just forget it.
Oh, my god.
Boy, what sour grapes that is.
But darling, the car's going to be here for years.
I know, honey.
But the car is only new today.
What's the sense I have a new car if you can't have your best
friends envious of you.
Hey, you know, I haven't seen this kind of behavior
since Richie got his two wheeler.
There's a reason to be jealous of him and his 1958 Edsel.
Sitting on the front seat on a thing is like a divan.
And an automatic transmission, you know what that's for?
It's for old ladies.
Boy, this car-- bucket seat and that stick shift.
Ghhr.
You know you nestle down on this thing like an astronaut.
But, Rob, I took the station wagon in for a tune up.
Good, honey.
Good to get in there and keep it in tune.
Yeah.
Well, they're going to have to have it for a day.
That's all right.
Listen, I want that thing an A-1 top shape
go, go, go condition for my family.
[music playing]
I'm not as interested in food now anyway.
Darling, I still have to feed Richie.
You know what the great thing about this car is?
That you can't bring it into the house.
No.
No, the thing is so far ahead of its time.
You know something?
Three to four years from now, this car will still be worth--
[horn honks]
Rich, cut it out.
Doggonnit.
He's probably, get the sneakers all over the upholstery.
Rich, hey, knock it off.
But come on in here right now.
He's getting his dirty feet all over the seats, honey.
Rich, oh.
Where did you get this funny hat?
Yeah.
Where did you?
It is not funny, it's British.
And who says the British have no sense of humor?
Look, Rich.
This car is not the old station wagon.
I don't want any candy wrappers or gum
or lollipops on the seats.
I don't want any taffy or gunky stuff in the ashtrays.
Richie, are you listening to me?
Darling, if you want him to listen,
you're going to have to take off the hat.
Ah!
Richie, why don't you go wash your hands up for dinner now,
huh? - OK.
Listen to daddy, and I'll take you for a ride in the car
tomorrow, OK? - OK.
Honey, look at this.
When you look at a car like that, what do you feel?
Extreme fear.
Fear?
Why fear?
Because I have to ask you if I can use it tomorrow.
What?
See?
Why?
Darling, I told you the station wagon is in the shop.
Why tomorrow?
You-- I-- there's--
Buddy and Sally haven't even seen it yet, honey.
I-- oh.
No, if you want to shop and done,
I'll pick up whatever you want on the way home.
Rob, I have to have the car.
I have to drive Richie to school.
It's my turn for the carpool.
You're going to put that pool in my car, honey?
You're going to put a dozen kids in that--
Darling, there aren't a dozen.
Well, I don't care.
They might as well be.
For crying out loud, candy wrappers and little slips
of paper gaunt all over it.
They'll ruin the new car, smell with their peanut
butter sandwich smell.
I'll put their lunches in the trunk.
There is no trunk.
That is the auxiliary motor.
All those kids, they're yelling in your ear all the time
you're going to run into something.
Oh, darling, I won't.
I'm a careful driver.
You know that.
Darling, I wouldn't ask you.
But Sadie Stein has taken my carpool turn
the last three times.
Ah, but honey, the first day.
I haven't even driven myself in the daytime yet.
Oh-- you-- someone can run into you, you know.
I'll drive 10 miles an hour in the right hand lane
with a horn going all the way.
Well, all right.
I-- I don't want anything to happen to that car.
Oh, darling.
Don't be ridiculous.
What could happen?
[music playing]
Beautiful, she's fast, and she doesn't make us sound.
Beautiful, fast, and quiet?
Impossible.
There's no such woman.
Hey, what's he talking about?
He fell in love with the Tarantula.
So what?
I married one.
Oh, you got the new car, huh?
Oh, yeah.
You got the new T-Bug.
It's real sweet, huh?
Oh, it is the ultimate.
Yeah.
Hey, you ever seen one of those Tarantulas?
No.
They are built so close to the ground.
If you want to get in, you got to come up through a manhole.
Oh, this one, when you get in and it's
got those great little bucket seats, you know.
You know what's wrong with bucket seats?
Everybody got a different sized bucket.
Rob, you're going to take us for a drive in Central Park
during lunch?
I can't.
I left that at home.
You left Central Park at home?
The first day, you didn't even bring the car down?
Gosh, I thought you'd park it right here in the office.
Oh, boy, I would have, except it was Laura's
day to take the kids to school.
You let Laura drive your new bedbug?
Tarantella.
- Tarantula. - Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Boy, I left it with her with a bunch
of kids yelling in her ear.
Boy, when I get a new car, I won't even let pickles in it.
If we have to go someplace, I just drive, and she runs along.
What am I so worried about anyway?
Laura happens to be a wonderful driver.
All women are wonderful drivers.
It's just that those men designers have done everything
they can to confuse us.
First, they put the starter on the dashboard.
Then they put it on the floor next to the accelerator.
Then it's on the left, and it's on the right.
First they put the stick shift on the floor.
Then they put it on the wheel, and it's automatic.
Then they put it between the two seats, and it's not automatic.
Do you know that I once pushed in a cigarette
lighter on the highway, and I went in reverse?
I think I'll just check to see if she's
been smoking on the highway.
[phone rings]
Hello?
ROB (ON PHONE): Laura?
Yes, Rob, what is it?
Well--
Well, what?
How was she?
Who?
Our Tarantula, honey.
How did she handle?
Oh, beautifully.
Good, would-- you didn't have trouble with the stick shift,
did you? - No.
No trouble with a stick shift.
That's my girl.
Do you love that car?
Yes, darling.
I really love it.
You sound strange, honey.
Well it's probably the connection.
Honey, I forgot to tell you something.
Listen, don't park that car under a tree or under a bird.
Oh, and listen.
Get into the garage tonight before the dew falls, OK?
Yes, darling, I will.
[door bells] Oh, Rob.
There's somebody at the door.
I have to hang up now.
Do you love that car?
Yes, Rob.
I really love it.
We'll talk about it tonight, huh?
ROB (ON PHONE): OK.
Bye, dear.
She loves it.
Hi, I just came over to ask--
Oh.
Millie, the most horrible thing. - What?
What?
Rob's new car.
Yeah.
It looks like a dead bug.
- Do you see it? - Yeah.
This morning when you picked up the kids.
Oh, Millie.
I was driving so carefully, Millie.
And I went to the market to get a bunch of bananas.
And I parked it so carefully, Millie.
I wasn't in that store for five minutes.
And when I came out--
What?
What happened?
A scratch.
A scratch?
Not a scratch.
A scratch!
Where?
The front or the rear?
Yes.
Which?
Both.
It goes all the way from the front fin to the back wing.
Oh, Millie, what am I going to do?
Rob will kill me.
Well, first, you better get hold of yourself.
But this wasn't the first time a car was ever scratched,
you know.
It's the first time for this one.
That's what's so awful, Millie.
And Rob warned me.
Oh, well, they always warn you.
What good does that do?
The car's insured, isn't it?
Yes, but I'm not.
Millie, Rob will kill me when he finds out.
Well, why does he have to find out?
Get it repaired, and don't tell him.
Don't tell him.
Millie, when he gets home tonight,
he's going to kiss the car before he kisses me.
They know they can fix it in a day.
Not before he gets home.
Well, make an appointment for tomorrow.
But he's going to want to drive the car to town tomorrow.
Well, stall him.
Don't let him.
You can think of some excuse.
Oh, Millie.
He's going to be wild, just wild.
Tell us-- the garage to keep your station
wagon for another day, and that'll give you an excuse.
Well, what about tonight?
I mean, the minute he goes into that garage.
Which side is the scratch on?
The right. Why?
What difference does that make?
Well, he gets in on the left.
And if you park it close to the wall
and steal a light bulb from the garage, it'll be dark,
and he won't see a thing.
He won't see a thing.
But gee, Millie.
That seems so sneaky, though, not letting him know?
Well, believe me.
I'd rather not know.
You don't think it's dishonest?
Well, sure, it's dishonest.
All right.
I'll do it.
ROB: Honey, where are you?
Oh, hi.
In the kitchen.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, you're a good girl.
Why?
Because you didn't leave my car under a sappy tree.
You put it in the garage.
Hey, honey, let's go for a drive, huh?
What? Before dinner?
Sure, just a short spin. Come on.
No but I have to get dinner ready.
We'll have dinner out, honey. Come on.
I know, what about Richie?
We'll take what you long. You'll love it.
No, but he has to do his homework.
That's all right, honey.
We'll leave him here.
Just you and me to go just at the park.
We'll be right back.
But Rob, we can't leave Richie alone.
We'll get a sitter for a quick set.
No, Rob.
Darling, I've had such a terrible headache all day.
You'll really have to excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Look, why don't you go and lie it down.
Take that old nap, and I'll be right back, OK?
But Rob--
Honey, I just want to put a few miles on.
I'll be right back.
But Rob--
Honey, you didn't expect me to have
dinner before I put some mileage on my Tarantula, did you?
No, I guess not.
(SINGING) Grab your coat and get your hat.
Leave your worries on that doorstep.
[car starting]
What you doing?
[screams in surprise] Darling, don't ever
sneak up on mommy that way, OK?
Daddy sure has been calling a long time.
No, just seems a long time.
Stop a minute be quiet.
Not him.
It seems forever.
What does?
The way you're eating.
Well, you told me to stop.
Well finish it up.
- Mommy? - Yes?
What--
Stop a minute.
- It's daddy. - Sit still.
Act as if nothing happened.
What did?
Nothing, eat, eat, eat.
Brand new car, right?
Brand new car.
So what happened?
Darling, it's not really that bad.
It's not that bad?
I try out the windshield wiper, the knob falls off in my head,
how do you like that?
Is that all?
Is that all?
Honey, a brand new Tarantula is worth to have
all of the bugs out of it.
Listen, darling, I got a great idea.
Why don't you leave the car with me tomorrow,
and I'll take it into the shop.
They can put the knob back on and check all the bugs.
Oh, no, I'm taking it back tomorrow
to the guy who sold it to me.
He's making it good.
Yeah, but Rob--
I am going in first thing in the morning.
Rob, you can't.
What?
Richie, dear, if you finished eating,
would you go to your room, please?
What happened? I still have grapes.
Well, I tell you what, darling, you can finish
them up in your room, huh.
You always say I'm not allowed.
You're not.
You don't.
So this time you can, right?
What was that all about?
Rob, I have to have the car again tomorrow.
And you knew I'd yell so you sent Richie out of the room?
Come on, Rob.
They still didn't get my car back from the shop.
That girl.
Why can't Millie take her lead.
It's her turn.
Well, Millie has her car in the shop, too, Rob.
I don't--
She thought I have yours.
Why can't I ever have my own car, everybody else gets.
Why can't-- Richie walked just one time, won't hurt him a bit.
All that way?
When I was a kid, I walked twice that far.
And I was a puny and runt.
- Where are you going? - I'm going out.
What are you going to do?
I am going to sit in my car, maybe the only chance I get.
I can't drive it, at least I can smell it.
[music playing]
Are you going to work without having breakfast?
Well, I had some Mr. Coffee, honey.
I'll pick up something.
Well, why didn't you wake me?
Well, I wasn't sure you'd be speaking to me.
I was going to leave a note.
Rob?
Honey, look.
I'm sorry about last night.
Honey, I was just a loose snob, I know.
It wasn't like getting sap on the hood
or something like that.
You know how I am about a new car, honey.
I just hate anything that's imperfect.
But you know, I know it's ridiculous.
I admit it.
I thought you were upset with me because I have
to have the car again today.
Honey, don't be silly.
I'll call a taxi like I did yesterday.
Oh, darling, that's awfully nice of you.
Well, I mean, not for me, for you.
Huh?
Well, I'm taking the car.
Well, what about Richie?
Honey, he'll take the taxi to school.
Children don't take taxis to school.
Good then we'll be pioneers for a change.
[inaudible] used to love it.
Look, they'll watch the meter jump
up and down as educational.
Come on.
Let him go in style for a change.
Oh, Rob.
[music playing]
[car starting]
Hi, Rob.
Hi, Rob.
Rob?
Rob?
You're gonna cry?
See, Bushy, even made him feel bad.
Rob, what's the matter?
Well, he's either got a toothache,
or somebody stepped on his Tarantula.
Oh.
How that happened to your new bug?
It is now an old bug with an 8-foot scratch.
Oh.
Yesterday she talked me out of the car.
She took it herself, very persuasive young lady.
She tried it again today but not quite so persuasive today.
She let me have the car.
And I opened the town smiling and happy,
the King of the Highway.
And when I got into town--
You wrecked the bug.
No.
I found it had a great big scratch.
Who scratched it, Laura?
No.
I parked it at the central garage just to be safe.
I forgot to leave the keys.
I couldn't have been two minutes.
I went back, and there it was.
Like somebody took a nail and--
Well, Rob, take it easy.
It's only paint.
It'll heal.
I took every precaution.
I went to a covered garage.
Within 30 seconds--
Why didn't she talk me out of the car today?
How did it happen?
Who knows.
Some sadist with a can opener, I don't know.
The garage said nobody ever even got near.
They said I came in with it.
How do you like that? - Sue.
Yeah, that's right. Sue.
Oh, boy.
Well, I like to sue.
Just for the principle, I think.
I don't care about the money or the bother or anything else.
People should not be allowed to go around scratching
heavily financed Tarantulas.
I'm calling my lawyer tonight.
Well, don't wait until tonight.
Call right now.
What's your hurry?
That a boyfriend's a lawyer?
I hope that I got a date with one tonight.
Who wants to take me out?
And if Rob doesn't call his lawyer now instead of work,
and he'll be spending all day going,
I'm going to sue, I'm going to sue, I'm going to sue.
Exactly. That's right.
I'm going to sue.
I am going to sue. - You stay-- all right.
All plaintiffs come with me.
Come on.
MILLIE: Why don't you take this?
Maybe it'll fix your headache.
No, thanks, Millie.
It won't fix the car.
All right.
Where's Marvin Birmingham's home number?
Marvin? Our lawyer?
What do you want with Marvin?
Why does anybody want a lawyer?
I want to sue somebody, that's what.
I was calling him in his office all day long today,
and he was in the courtroom.
What kind of a lawyer is he, anyway?
Who are you gonna sue?
I'm gonna sue the person responsible for scratching
my car.
I don't care what you say.
I want to do it.
Rob, listen, about the car--
Just hold it.
Marvin-- Rob-- mad.
That's how I am, buddy.
Look, are you going to be there a little while?
Can I come over and talk to you?
My new car, I parked at the center garage today,
and some stupid sadist ruined it.
Oh, is it bad?
They desecrate it.
You want to see it.
There's a big scratch up and down the whole car.
So that's what I want to do.
I like this--
Thanks, Marvin.
I'll be right over.
Rob, listen, about the car.
I feel just awful.
Well, thanks, honey.
Oh, Millie, I feel like a criminal.
What am I going to do?
I'll tell you what you're going to do.
You're going to keep your fingers crossed
and your little mouth shut.
But I can't.
You do it for women drivers everywhere.
Ah.
Millie, it's not right.
A wife shouldn't lie to her husband.
Look, it wasn't your fault the car got scratched, right?
But is Rob going to believe that?
No.
He's going to use it as an example against women drivers.
And you'll be giving our whole wonderful sex a black eye.
How can I let Rob get involved in something that's going
to make him look like a fool?
I've just got to tell him.
I think I'd better leave.
Oh, Millie, no. Don't leave me.
If you're here, maybe he won't kill me.
He won't kill you.
Listen, before you tell him the truth,
give wine another chance, OK?
Hey, honey.
Hi.
Did you see Marvin?
Oh, yeah.
I just saw him for a minute there.
And he was off to one of his big meetings, you know.
Rob, I don't think you ought to sue.
Why, honey?
Well, Rob, there's something I have to tell you.
What?
About the scratch on your car.
What?
What about it?
Well, darling, it didn't really happen the way
you think.
Well, how then?
Well--
Honey, what are you trying to say?
Well, do you remember the day I drove Richie
to school that first day?
Well, Rob, I stopped at the market.
I parked it so carefully, Rob.
And I wasn't in the market for more than five minutes.
And when I came out--
all for a bunch of bananas.
You did it?
No, I just told you.
I didn't do it.
I know.
I mean, the garage didn't do it.
No, I wish they had.
Rob, tell Marvin you're not going to sue.
Well, honey.
He didn't think that suing was a very good idea anyway.
He didn't?
No.
He pointed out to me that even if I won,
it will still cost me more than letting the insurance
company handle it.
Oh, Rob.
Oh, honey, come on.
Let's take for funny about it, just a little teeny scratch.
It could have happened to anybody.
You're not angry?
Oh, don't be silly, honey.
A little paint, and it'll be good as new.
That could have happened to anybody, honey.
Don't worry about it.
Listen, you're a good driver.
It happens to good drivers.
I mean, things like that even happen to men drivers.
Honey, what the-- what I mean is--
well, I'll-- funny, I lived here.
I was awful man.
I didn't watch very well.
What happened when you weren't watching so well?
Well, you know those four cement posts
there beside Marvin's driveway?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I-- I turned in the driveway
about three yards too soon.
You knock down a post?
Yes, honey.
It could have happened to anybody.
What about the car?
Well, the offenders are kind of like--
but you know, they hammer them out
and sand them and paint them.
And it's good as new.
Of course those posts--
Posts?
You hit two of them?
Well, one going in and one back and out.
Rob, you poor thing.
Dad has been the worst of it, honey.
Look at that hat.
Oh, crap.
How did that happen?
I was trying to help Mrs. Birmingham up off the ground,
and her dog attacked me.
Wait a minute.
Now why did Mrs. Birmingham need help?
Well, I-- she fainted when I back to her rosebushes.
What?
Honey, look at that.
It's a bunny's label.
There's not another hat like that in town that fits me.
Honey, I don't-- what are you going to do?
You can't sue a dog.
Get the ice cream?
I'm getting rid of that car.
I mean it.
I mean, I'm not going to have a car that I can't depend on.
What do you mean?
Well, it's the only thing to do.
You get a lemon, you take it back, right?
You turn it in.
The car is a jinx.
First, the windshield wiper went.
Rob, what happened?
My brand new beautiful car with the fingertip control
in the stainless steel trim and the bucket
seats ran out of gas.
How?
How?
It went-- I look at the gas gauge just before I left here.
All right.
What did it register?
Empty.
Well, Rob--
Honey, I never owned a car in my life
that didn't have at least two gallons left in it
when the gas gauge said empty.
But why not that car? Oh, no.
Right on the button boy.
I'm getting rid of it.
[music playing]
NARRATOR: The Dick Van Dyke Show, starring Dick Van Dyke,
Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews,
and Mary Tyler Moore.
[music playing]
Hey, honey.
Come here a minute, will you?
LAURA: Darling, I've already seen the car.
Come on.
You haven't seen it from this angle yet.
Oh, god.
Oh, don't be that way.
Come on, look at that.
Will you look at that shaft of moonlight
shining on our Tarantula.
Sure does glisten, boy.
It's not chrome, honey.
That is stainless steel.
[horn honks]
Oh, Come on, Rich, that's enough.
Hey, Rich, knock it off.
That's enough now.
Oh, honey, is that dreamy?
Is that a model car?
No, that's sports.
Is that god status?
Uh!
The driving of it, it's so effortless, so smooth.
It is like smoothie.
Who can we call?
The most jealous of it, Jerry, of course.
Rob, you're gloating.
Well, why not?
Honey, I hadn't had a good gloat in the last five years
as we got our last new car.
Honey, did you notice the way the counter stuff, the handles.
That counter stuff has no wind resistance at all there.
The whole car's that way, aerodynamic.
Well, even the A's race, teardrop designed,
do you not understand?
Did you notice you're a nut?
Only about things automotive.
I love growing, all right.
When?
Well, I don't know.
When I get a new helicopter, I guess.
Oh, I may just chip in.
I don't think it could be any more giddy about that.
Jer?
This is Rob.
Ah, my friend, you are speaking to a gentleman
who just took delivery on a brand new Tarantula
at the Park Avenue.
Shall I roast today?
I am not.
It's parked right out in front of the house right now.
Come over my friend and take a look at this automobile.
What do you mean you can't?
What?
Jerry, you can go to a second show, can't you?
What do you mean in the morning?
Jerry, I'll be driving it to work in the morning.
Hm.
No I-- not.
All right. No.
Forget it, Jerry.
It's all right.
Just forget it.
Oh, my god.
Boy, what sour grapes that is.
But darling, the car's going to be here for years.
I know, honey.
But the car is only new today.
What's the sense I have a new car if you can't have your best
friends envious of you.
Hey, you know, I haven't seen this kind of behavior
since Richie got his two wheeler.
There's a reason to be jealous of him and his 1958 Edsel.
Sitting on the front seat on a thing is like a divan.
And an automatic transmission, you know what that's for?
It's for old ladies.
Boy, this car-- bucket seat and that stick shift.
Ghhr.
You know you nestle down on this thing like an astronaut.
But, Rob, I took the station wagon in for a tune up.
Good, honey.
Good to get in there and keep it in tune.
Yeah.
Well, they're going to have to have it for a day.
That's all right.
Listen, I want that thing an A-1 top shape
go, go, go condition for my family.
[music playing]
I'm not as interested in food now anyway.
Darling, I still have to feed Richie.
You know what the great thing about this car is?
That you can't bring it into the house.
No.
No, the thing is so far ahead of its time.
You know something?
Three to four years from now, this car will still be worth--
[horn honks]
Rich, cut it out.
Doggonnit.
He's probably, get the sneakers all over the upholstery.
Rich, hey, knock it off.
But come on in here right now.
He's getting his dirty feet all over the seats, honey.
Rich, oh.
Where did you get this funny hat?
Yeah.
Where did you?
It is not funny, it's British.
And who says the British have no sense of humor?
Look, Rich.
This car is not the old station wagon.
I don't want any candy wrappers or gum
or lollipops on the seats.
I don't want any taffy or gunky stuff in the ashtrays.
Richie, are you listening to me?
Darling, if you want him to listen,
you're going to have to take off the hat.
Ah!
Richie, why don't you go wash your hands up for dinner now,
huh? - OK.
Listen to daddy, and I'll take you for a ride in the car
tomorrow, OK? - OK.
Honey, look at this.
When you look at a car like that, what do you feel?
Extreme fear.
Fear?
Why fear?
Because I have to ask you if I can use it tomorrow.
What?
See?
Why?
Darling, I told you the station wagon is in the shop.
Why tomorrow?
You-- I-- there's--
Buddy and Sally haven't even seen it yet, honey.
I-- oh.
No, if you want to shop and done,
I'll pick up whatever you want on the way home.
Rob, I have to have the car.
I have to drive Richie to school.
It's my turn for the carpool.
You're going to put that pool in my car, honey?
You're going to put a dozen kids in that--
Darling, there aren't a dozen.
Well, I don't care.
They might as well be.
For crying out loud, candy wrappers and little slips
of paper gaunt all over it.
They'll ruin the new car, smell with their peanut
butter sandwich smell.
I'll put their lunches in the trunk.
There is no trunk.
That is the auxiliary motor.
All those kids, they're yelling in your ear all the time
you're going to run into something.
Oh, darling, I won't.
I'm a careful driver.
You know that.
Darling, I wouldn't ask you.
But Sadie Stein has taken my carpool turn
the last three times.
Ah, but honey, the first day.
I haven't even driven myself in the daytime yet.
Oh-- you-- someone can run into you, you know.
I'll drive 10 miles an hour in the right hand lane
with a horn going all the way.
Well, all right.
I-- I don't want anything to happen to that car.
Oh, darling.
Don't be ridiculous.
What could happen?
[music playing]
Beautiful, she's fast, and she doesn't make us sound.
Beautiful, fast, and quiet?
Impossible.
There's no such woman.
Hey, what's he talking about?
He fell in love with the Tarantula.
So what?
I married one.
Oh, you got the new car, huh?
Oh, yeah.
You got the new T-Bug.
It's real sweet, huh?
Oh, it is the ultimate.
Yeah.
Hey, you ever seen one of those Tarantulas?
No.
They are built so close to the ground.
If you want to get in, you got to come up through a manhole.
Oh, this one, when you get in and it's
got those great little bucket seats, you know.
You know what's wrong with bucket seats?
Everybody got a different sized bucket.
Rob, you're going to take us for a drive in Central Park
during lunch?
I can't.
I left that at home.
You left Central Park at home?
The first day, you didn't even bring the car down?
Gosh, I thought you'd park it right here in the office.
Oh, boy, I would have, except it was Laura's
day to take the kids to school.
You let Laura drive your new bedbug?
Tarantella.
- Tarantula. - Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
Boy, I left it with her with a bunch
of kids yelling in her ear.
Boy, when I get a new car, I won't even let pickles in it.
If we have to go someplace, I just drive, and she runs along.
What am I so worried about anyway?
Laura happens to be a wonderful driver.
All women are wonderful drivers.
It's just that those men designers have done everything
they can to confuse us.
First, they put the starter on the dashboard.
Then they put it on the floor next to the accelerator.
Then it's on the left, and it's on the right.
First they put the stick shift on the floor.
Then they put it on the wheel, and it's automatic.
Then they put it between the two seats, and it's not automatic.
Do you know that I once pushed in a cigarette
lighter on the highway, and I went in reverse?
I think I'll just check to see if she's
been smoking on the highway.
[phone rings]
Hello?
ROB (ON PHONE): Laura?
Yes, Rob, what is it?
Well--
Well, what?
How was she?
Who?
Our Tarantula, honey.
How did she handle?
Oh, beautifully.
Good, would-- you didn't have trouble with the stick shift,
did you? - No.
No trouble with a stick shift.
That's my girl.
Do you love that car?
Yes, darling.
I really love it.
You sound strange, honey.
Well it's probably the connection.
Honey, I forgot to tell you something.
Listen, don't park that car under a tree or under a bird.
Oh, and listen.
Get into the garage tonight before the dew falls, OK?
Yes, darling, I will.
[door bells] Oh, Rob.
There's somebody at the door.
I have to hang up now.
Do you love that car?
Yes, Rob.
I really love it.
We'll talk about it tonight, huh?
ROB (ON PHONE): OK.
Bye, dear.
She loves it.
Hi, I just came over to ask--
Oh.
Millie, the most horrible thing. - What?
What?
Rob's new car.
Yeah.
It looks like a dead bug.
- Do you see it? - Yeah.
This morning when you picked up the kids.
Oh, Millie.
I was driving so carefully, Millie.
And I went to the market to get a bunch of bananas.
And I parked it so carefully, Millie.
I wasn't in that store for five minutes.
And when I came out--
What?
What happened?
A scratch.
A scratch?
Not a scratch.
A scratch!
Where?
The front or the rear?
Yes.
Which?
Both.
It goes all the way from the front fin to the back wing.
Oh, Millie, what am I going to do?
Rob will kill me.
Well, first, you better get hold of yourself.
But this wasn't the first time a car was ever scratched,
you know.
It's the first time for this one.
That's what's so awful, Millie.
And Rob warned me.
Oh, well, they always warn you.
What good does that do?
The car's insured, isn't it?
Yes, but I'm not.
Millie, Rob will kill me when he finds out.
Well, why does he have to find out?
Get it repaired, and don't tell him.
Don't tell him.
Millie, when he gets home tonight,
he's going to kiss the car before he kisses me.
They know they can fix it in a day.
Not before he gets home.
Well, make an appointment for tomorrow.
But he's going to want to drive the car to town tomorrow.
Well, stall him.
Don't let him.
You can think of some excuse.
Oh, Millie.
He's going to be wild, just wild.
Tell us-- the garage to keep your station
wagon for another day, and that'll give you an excuse.
Well, what about tonight?
I mean, the minute he goes into that garage.
Which side is the scratch on?
The right. Why?
What difference does that make?
Well, he gets in on the left.
And if you park it close to the wall
and steal a light bulb from the garage, it'll be dark,
and he won't see a thing.
He won't see a thing.
But gee, Millie.
That seems so sneaky, though, not letting him know?
Well, believe me.
I'd rather not know.
You don't think it's dishonest?
Well, sure, it's dishonest.
All right.
I'll do it.
ROB: Honey, where are you?
Oh, hi.
In the kitchen.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, you're a good girl.
Why?
Because you didn't leave my car under a sappy tree.
You put it in the garage.
Hey, honey, let's go for a drive, huh?
What? Before dinner?
Sure, just a short spin. Come on.
No but I have to get dinner ready.
We'll have dinner out, honey. Come on.
I know, what about Richie?
We'll take what you long. You'll love it.
No, but he has to do his homework.
That's all right, honey.
We'll leave him here.
Just you and me to go just at the park.
We'll be right back.
But Rob, we can't leave Richie alone.
We'll get a sitter for a quick set.
No, Rob.
Darling, I've had such a terrible headache all day.
You'll really have to excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Look, why don't you go and lie it down.
Take that old nap, and I'll be right back, OK?
But Rob--
Honey, I just want to put a few miles on.
I'll be right back.
But Rob--
Honey, you didn't expect me to have
dinner before I put some mileage on my Tarantula, did you?
No, I guess not.
(SINGING) Grab your coat and get your hat.
Leave your worries on that doorstep.
[car starting]
What you doing?
[screams in surprise] Darling, don't ever
sneak up on mommy that way, OK?
Daddy sure has been calling a long time.
No, just seems a long time.
Stop a minute be quiet.
Not him.
It seems forever.
What does?
The way you're eating.
Well, you told me to stop.
Well finish it up.
- Mommy? - Yes?
What--
Stop a minute.
- It's daddy. - Sit still.
Act as if nothing happened.
What did?
Nothing, eat, eat, eat.
Brand new car, right?
Brand new car.
So what happened?
Darling, it's not really that bad.
It's not that bad?
I try out the windshield wiper, the knob falls off in my head,
how do you like that?
Is that all?
Is that all?
Honey, a brand new Tarantula is worth to have
all of the bugs out of it.
Listen, darling, I got a great idea.
Why don't you leave the car with me tomorrow,
and I'll take it into the shop.
They can put the knob back on and check all the bugs.
Oh, no, I'm taking it back tomorrow
to the guy who sold it to me.
He's making it good.
Yeah, but Rob--
I am going in first thing in the morning.
Rob, you can't.
What?
Richie, dear, if you finished eating,
would you go to your room, please?
What happened? I still have grapes.
Well, I tell you what, darling, you can finish
them up in your room, huh.
You always say I'm not allowed.
You're not.
You don't.
So this time you can, right?
What was that all about?
Rob, I have to have the car again tomorrow.
And you knew I'd yell so you sent Richie out of the room?
Come on, Rob.
They still didn't get my car back from the shop.
That girl.
Why can't Millie take her lead.
It's her turn.
Well, Millie has her car in the shop, too, Rob.
I don't--
She thought I have yours.
Why can't I ever have my own car, everybody else gets.
Why can't-- Richie walked just one time, won't hurt him a bit.
All that way?
When I was a kid, I walked twice that far.
And I was a puny and runt.
- Where are you going? - I'm going out.
What are you going to do?
I am going to sit in my car, maybe the only chance I get.
I can't drive it, at least I can smell it.
[music playing]
Are you going to work without having breakfast?
Well, I had some Mr. Coffee, honey.
I'll pick up something.
Well, why didn't you wake me?
Well, I wasn't sure you'd be speaking to me.
I was going to leave a note.
Rob?
Honey, look.
I'm sorry about last night.
Honey, I was just a loose snob, I know.
It wasn't like getting sap on the hood
or something like that.
You know how I am about a new car, honey.
I just hate anything that's imperfect.
But you know, I know it's ridiculous.
I admit it.
I thought you were upset with me because I have
to have the car again today.
Honey, don't be silly.
I'll call a taxi like I did yesterday.
Oh, darling, that's awfully nice of you.
Well, I mean, not for me, for you.
Huh?
Well, I'm taking the car.
Well, what about Richie?
Honey, he'll take the taxi to school.
Children don't take taxis to school.
Good then we'll be pioneers for a change.
[inaudible] used to love it.
Look, they'll watch the meter jump
up and down as educational.
Come on.
Let him go in style for a change.
Oh, Rob.
[music playing]
[car starting]
Hi, Rob.
Hi, Rob.
Rob?
Rob?
You're gonna cry?
See, Bushy, even made him feel bad.
Rob, what's the matter?
Well, he's either got a toothache,
or somebody stepped on his Tarantula.
Oh.
How that happened to your new bug?
It is now an old bug with an 8-foot scratch.
Oh.
Yesterday she talked me out of the car.
She took it herself, very persuasive young lady.
She tried it again today but not quite so persuasive today.
She let me have the car.
And I opened the town smiling and happy,
the King of the Highway.
And when I got into town--
You wrecked the bug.
No.
I found it had a great big scratch.
Who scratched it, Laura?
No.
I parked it at the central garage just to be safe.
I forgot to leave the keys.
I couldn't have been two minutes.
I went back, and there it was.
Like somebody took a nail and--
Well, Rob, take it easy.
It's only paint.
It'll heal.
I took every precaution.
I went to a covered garage.
Within 30 seconds--
Why didn't she talk me out of the car today?
How did it happen?
Who knows.
Some sadist with a can opener, I don't know.
The garage said nobody ever even got near.
They said I came in with it.
How do you like that? - Sue.
Yeah, that's right. Sue.
Oh, boy.
Well, I like to sue.
Just for the principle, I think.
I don't care about the money or the bother or anything else.
People should not be allowed to go around scratching
heavily financed Tarantulas.
I'm calling my lawyer tonight.
Well, don't wait until tonight.
Call right now.
What's your hurry?
That a boyfriend's a lawyer?
I hope that I got a date with one tonight.
Who wants to take me out?
And if Rob doesn't call his lawyer now instead of work,
and he'll be spending all day going,
I'm going to sue, I'm going to sue, I'm going to sue.
Exactly. That's right.
I'm going to sue.
I am going to sue. - You stay-- all right.
All plaintiffs come with me.
Come on.
MILLIE: Why don't you take this?
Maybe it'll fix your headache.
No, thanks, Millie.
It won't fix the car.
All right.
Where's Marvin Birmingham's home number?
Marvin? Our lawyer?
What do you want with Marvin?
Why does anybody want a lawyer?
I want to sue somebody, that's what.
I was calling him in his office all day long today,
and he was in the courtroom.
What kind of a lawyer is he, anyway?
Who are you gonna sue?
I'm gonna sue the person responsible for scratching
my car.
I don't care what you say.
I want to do it.
Rob, listen, about the car--
Just hold it.
Marvin-- Rob-- mad.
That's how I am, buddy.
Look, are you going to be there a little while?
Can I come over and talk to you?
My new car, I parked at the center garage today,
and some stupid sadist ruined it.
Oh, is it bad?
They desecrate it.
You want to see it.
There's a big scratch up and down the whole car.
So that's what I want to do.
I like this--
Thanks, Marvin.
I'll be right over.
Rob, listen, about the car.
I feel just awful.
Well, thanks, honey.
Oh, Millie, I feel like a criminal.
What am I going to do?
I'll tell you what you're going to do.
You're going to keep your fingers crossed
and your little mouth shut.
But I can't.
You do it for women drivers everywhere.
Ah.
Millie, it's not right.
A wife shouldn't lie to her husband.
Look, it wasn't your fault the car got scratched, right?
But is Rob going to believe that?
No.
He's going to use it as an example against women drivers.
And you'll be giving our whole wonderful sex a black eye.
How can I let Rob get involved in something that's going
to make him look like a fool?
I've just got to tell him.
I think I'd better leave.
Oh, Millie, no. Don't leave me.
If you're here, maybe he won't kill me.
He won't kill you.
Listen, before you tell him the truth,
give wine another chance, OK?
Hey, honey.
Hi.
Did you see Marvin?
Oh, yeah.
I just saw him for a minute there.
And he was off to one of his big meetings, you know.
Rob, I don't think you ought to sue.
Why, honey?
Well, Rob, there's something I have to tell you.
What?
About the scratch on your car.
What?
What about it?
Well, darling, it didn't really happen the way
you think.
Well, how then?
Well--
Honey, what are you trying to say?
Well, do you remember the day I drove Richie
to school that first day?
Well, Rob, I stopped at the market.
I parked it so carefully, Rob.
And I wasn't in the market for more than five minutes.
And when I came out--
all for a bunch of bananas.
You did it?
No, I just told you.
I didn't do it.
I know.
I mean, the garage didn't do it.
No, I wish they had.
Rob, tell Marvin you're not going to sue.
Well, honey.
He didn't think that suing was a very good idea anyway.
He didn't?
No.
He pointed out to me that even if I won,
it will still cost me more than letting the insurance
company handle it.
Oh, Rob.
Oh, honey, come on.
Let's take for funny about it, just a little teeny scratch.
It could have happened to anybody.
You're not angry?
Oh, don't be silly, honey.
A little paint, and it'll be good as new.
That could have happened to anybody, honey.
Don't worry about it.
Listen, you're a good driver.
It happens to good drivers.
I mean, things like that even happen to men drivers.
Honey, what the-- what I mean is--
well, I'll-- funny, I lived here.
I was awful man.
I didn't watch very well.
What happened when you weren't watching so well?
Well, you know those four cement posts
there beside Marvin's driveway?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I-- I turned in the driveway
about three yards too soon.
You knock down a post?
Yes, honey.
It could have happened to anybody.
What about the car?
Well, the offenders are kind of like--
but you know, they hammer them out
and sand them and paint them.
And it's good as new.
Of course those posts--
Posts?
You hit two of them?
Well, one going in and one back and out.
Rob, you poor thing.
Dad has been the worst of it, honey.
Look at that hat.
Oh, crap.
How did that happen?
I was trying to help Mrs. Birmingham up off the ground,
and her dog attacked me.
Wait a minute.
Now why did Mrs. Birmingham need help?
Well, I-- she fainted when I back to her rosebushes.
What?
Honey, look at that.
It's a bunny's label.
There's not another hat like that in town that fits me.
Honey, I don't-- what are you going to do?
You can't sue a dog.
Get the ice cream?
I'm getting rid of that car.
I mean it.
I mean, I'm not going to have a car that I can't depend on.
What do you mean?
Well, it's the only thing to do.
You get a lemon, you take it back, right?
You turn it in.
The car is a jinx.
First, the windshield wiper went.
Rob, what happened?
My brand new beautiful car with the fingertip control
in the stainless steel trim and the bucket
seats ran out of gas.
How?
How?
It went-- I look at the gas gauge just before I left here.
All right.
What did it register?
Empty.
Well, Rob--
Honey, I never owned a car in my life
that didn't have at least two gallons left in it
when the gas gauge said empty.
But why not that car? Oh, no.
Right on the button boy.
I'm getting rid of it.
[music playing]