The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Night the Roof Fell In - full transcript

[theme music]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show," starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[dramatic music]

Well, if you must know, I'm going for a drive.

Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you--

Mr. Astaire.

Lock up when you come home, please.

I may not be home.

What was that all about?



You missed a good fight.

What was the fight about?

Well, you know people.

It wasn't about anything.

How did it start?

Well, all I know, I was floating around, minding

my own business, watching.

[nostalgic string music]

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Oh, Millie, yes, I did call you.

Well, nothing really, just to complain.

Well, shall I list them in alphabetical order?

All righty.



The repairmen didn't show up--

none of them.

Well, everything's stopped up-- the washing machine,

the garbage disposal, Ritchie's nose.

Yes, I had to keep him home from school today.

It's the worst mistake I've ever made.

He's had me almost out of my mind.

[glass breaking] He's at it again.

Just a minute.

Ritchie, what was that?

RITCHIE: Nothing!

[sighs] Richard, come in here, please.

Millie, I'll have to call you back.

Bye-bye.

Ritchie!

Ritchie.

What have you been up to in there?

What is going on?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Daddy's shaving lotion all over the floor, and broken--

It's scrubbed off.

LAURA: --and broken glass!

Ritchie, how many times have I told you to stay

out of that medicine cab--

now, that does it.

You go into your room and wash your face and hands.

No, don't go in there till I clean up the glass.

Get a towel from the kitchen.

Just wait till your father comes home-- and why doesn't he?

RITCHIE: There's the car.

He's home now!

Well, it's about time.

[metal clattering]

Ritchie, if you bring one more thing--

[sighs] Snow White lives.

Oh, what a day.

You wouldn't believe it.

You just would not believe it.

Alan wanted a complete rewrite.

Buddy came in late.

Sally left early.

I lost my wallet.

I got a ticket for jaywalking.

And on top of that, I think I'm getting a cold sore.

What is that smell?

Your son broke a bottle of shaving lotion.

Oh, no, not my Essence of Matador?

No it's the-- the other one, that cowboy stuff.

My Stirrup and Saddle?

Yes.

That stuff runs 4 bucks a bottle.

Rob, don't go in there in your bare feet.

I'm not in my bare feet.

I may be a little casual in my dressing room.

And now, darling, let's not have any remarks

about the way I'm dressed.

If you'd have the kind of day that I've had.

I was talking about me, not you.

Well, I know what you're thinking.

You probably expect to come home and find me dressed

in a ball gown and a tiara.

I didn't even get out of my bathrobe until 3 o'clock.

Maybe you would like to hear about the rest of my day.

All I'm asking, darling, is for a little understanding when

you come home, a little charm.

Charm?

Honey, who do you think I am?

Fred Astaire?

It wouldn't hurt you to emulate him.

What-- what do you want me to do?

Come home every night and dance my way into your heart?

Honey, do you remember I work in the big city?

Mm.

And life is very exciting here on the Riviera.

Hi, Daddy.

Oh. Hi, Ritchie.

That's right.

Side with him.

All I said was hi, Ritchie.

Sure, you can afford to say hi, Richie.

You don't have to clean up after him.

Laura.

Richie, dear, say good night and go to bed.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Goodnight, son.

I'll be in in a minute, darling.

Never mind, Mommy.

You're going to have to talk to that boy.

I would love to.

You just sent him to bed.

Fine.

You talk to him later.

I've had dinner waiting for an hour.

ROB: I've had mine.

You've had your dinner?

Well, yeah.

I had to work late, so I picked up a fast cheese

sandwich on the way home.

I thought I'd save you the bother.

Well, why didn't you call me?

ROB: I forgot.

Did it ever occur to you, Rob, that I might like to eat?

Well, go ahead. Who's stopping you?

What do you want me to do, cook it for you?

Honey, I'm sorry.

[newspaper rustling]

That's the sports.

It's just that, well, everything went wrong today.

Then I suppose you think everything went right for me.

I didn't say that.

Oh! Ow!

Oh! Mm.

Ah!

Oh!

Ooh, darn, darn, ottoman!

Well, you don't have to bark at me.

The ottoman's been in this room for years, Mr. Astaire.

I wasn't barking at you, Ginger.

I was talking to the ottoman.

What are you doing?

I'm going to sit here and make some paper

hats for this gay party we seem to be having.

Darling, why don't you save your marvelous jokes

for the office?

There are a few more important matters around here

that require your attention.

Listen, when I have had a hard day at the office,

I would like very much to come home.

So why don't you?

You don't come home.

You don't call.

I'm here!

I came home!

You refuse to speak to Richie.

Refused?

You just sent him to bed.

And all you do is just sit there reading your paper.

How can I read the paper?

You tore it up.

Of course I tore it up.

I don't know how to handle a newspaper.

I'm not familiar with the way it's folded because I

never get time to read one.

(WEEPY) I'm cooped up here, Rob.

And the whole time, you're down there.

And I-- you come home, I knock myself out,

and you have the nerve to--

well, you try it sometime!

All right.

Very well.

If that is the way you want it, have it your own way.

That's the way you want it.

You'd probably like to know where I'm going.

Very well.

If you must know, I'm going for a drive.

Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you--

Mr. Astaire.

Lock up when you come home, please.

I-- I may not come home.

[door slams]

[doorbell chimes]

Good morning, Millie.

Thank you for coming.

I have to talk to somebody.

Well, I would have come sooner,

but I had to get Freddie off to school.

Rob hasn't even phoned?

Not a word.

Well, where do you suppose he was all night?

I don't know.

Millie, he's never done anything like this before. (CRYING)

I'm so worried.

Well, he's-- now, he's a grown man.

He probably checked in at a hotel,

or maybe he stayed with friends.

[sighs] No, he didn't.

He wouldn't.

Millie, he's never not come home before.

If anything's happened to him, I'll kill him.

Now, calm down.

Calm down, and tell me just what happened.

Well, I had a hard day yesterday.

Well, I told you.

Ritchie was just impossible.

But-- well, in spite of that, I managed to cook a nice

dinner and tried to be as pleasant

as I possibly could be and--

and I was.

I went to the trouble to set a beautiful table

and make myself presentable.

Well, what thanks did I get?

Rob came in wild, like a roaring tiger.

Arrrh, what a day.

Darling, you're home.

I know that.

Don't kiss me.

I got a cold sore.

Why don't you fix yourself up?

What is that smell?

My Secret Secret.

I thought you'd like it.

Open a window.

Is dinner ready?

It's all ready, darling.

Well, I've had it.

You've had dinner?

Well, what do you think I had?

Breakfast?

Darling, if only you'd told me.

I can't read your mind, you know.

Well, see that you don't.

Is this today's paper.

Yes, dear.

Then I've read it.

Ritchie say anything cute today?

No, not that I can remember.

Well, tell him to get on with it.

What is the use of having a kid around the house,

if he can't be cute?

- You're right, dear. - Where is he.

Well, he's in his room.

He's just waiting for you to come in and--

Well, tell him to stay-- ow! Ow!

Ow! Ooh!

How did that thing get there?

Well, Rob, we've always had that ottoman.

Well, get rid of it.

I can't stand it.

Oh, geez.

Darling, you bought the ottoman before we were married.

Oh, that's it.

Blame me.

Why did you marry me if you didn't like my ottoman?

Darling, I love your ottoman.

Oh, so that's it?

You like my ottoman better than you like me, huh?

Well, you know what you can do?

You can keep your ottoman, and I'll go.

Oh, Rob, darling, you're just tired.

I-- I don't know how you do it, working so hard,

writing all those marvelous jokes.

That does it.

Sarcasm is one thing I don't take from anybody.

That's right, darling.

You go for a nice walk.

I'll wait up for you till you come home.

I may not be home!

[door slams]

Now, Laura, Rob didn't say all those things.

Millie, I give you my word.

Oh, come on.

I know Rob.

Well, maybe he didn't say all those words,

but that's what it sounded like to me.

Come here.

Why?

Come here.

Why don't you call him up?

He's probably at the office right now.

Go on. call him.

No.

Why should I call him?

Let him call me.

It was his fault. Well, after all, Millie,

he's the one who walked out of here

and stayed in some luxurious hotel

while I spent the night worrying.

I would love to hear Rob's version of all this.

Come on, Rob.

Call Laura.

Give her a chance to apologize.

Oh, no, I can't.

Why not?

Well, you can't just call up and ask for an apology

from a perfect stranger.

Your wife's a perfect stranger?

Come on home.

I'll introduce her to you.

Get over there. Call her.

Rob, why don't you flirt with her a little?

The worst she can do is hang up hard and pop your eardrums.

Look, I'm holding you guys up.

I think I'll take a walk around the block.

Oh, yeah?

If you can take a walk around the block, take a cab.

We've got a lot of work to do.

Rob, we're with you.

Whatever you've done, we'll deny it.

I haven't done anything.

We just got into an argument.

That's all.

Me and Pickles, we argue all the time.

What's wrong with that?

You've got to do something to keep the spark alive.

We have our little differences naturally,

but we always made it a rule never to go to bed mad.

I think that's nice.

Pretty hard not to be mad, though, when you just spent

the whole night in the garage.

In the garage?

Oh, you picked a fine time to wash the car.

What were you doing in the garage?

Well, I walked out.

Well, walked out-- I was practically

thrown out of there.

I was just going to take a drive around and cool off,

and I forgot the car keys, and I wasn't gonna

go back in there after the--

now, why am I boring you guys with this?

Who's bored?

I love to hear things that make me

feel good about being single.

Come on, Rob.

Why don't you to tell us all about it?

Get it off your chest. You'll feel better.

Sure, come on.

I like to feel I'm not the only guy who married a nutty woman.

Well, I-- I came home.

Well, you know what kind of a day we had around here.

Everything was-- ugh. BUDDY: It was a beauty.

But going home in the car, I decided

I was gonna leave my bad mood and all my troubles in the car.

And when I walked in that house, I was as charming and as

pleasant as I know how to be.

I was so charming, I was--

I was a regular Fred Astaire.

Sweetheart?

Ginger?

The old charmer's home.

Where's my girl?

There she is, just as beautiful as the day I married her.

Where have you been?

Just counting the hours till I could be with you.

Well, you'd better learn to count.

Do you know what time it is?

I suppose you expect me to serve you now.

Honey, I knew you'd be tired.

I grabbed a fast sandwich on the way home.

Well, you never stopped to think that I

might like to eat out, did you?

I'm hungry.

Honey!

I love that ottoman.

Honey, you sit down right here, and I'm going

to fix you a cheese souffle.

You read the paper.

(SINGING) Ska-da-ti-ta.

Ska-ta-ti-ta.

And don't go messing up my kitchen,

I-- I won't, dear.

RITCHIE: Mommy!

Uh, honey, has--

has Ritchie had his, uh, dinner?

No, and he's not getting any.

But-- but-- but, sweetheart.

I ran out of dishes.

Yeah, I see.

Honey, may I just take him a cracker?

Aw, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

You're tired.

You're overwrought.

Why, you--

Laura.

--tell me I'm overweight.

Honey, I didn't tell you you were overweight.

I just--

Well, I know what you were thinking.

Why don't you say it? Go on.

Out with it.

Out with what's on your mind.

Tell me I'm overweight.

Tell me you're sorry you ever married me.

Oh, now, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, you are, are you?

Well, I don't have to stand here and take that from you.

You can just get out!

Oh, Laura, baby.

Funny Face.

Out!

Good idea.

I'll bring home some ice cream.

[door slams]

Hey, you sure it wasn't my wife you were fighting with?

It sounds like one of our real screamers.

Rob, aren't you exaggerating just a touch?

[sighs] Well, maybe a little bit.

I don't remember the words exactly.

But whatever words she used, sounded like those.

Yeah, and she didn't throw you out either, did she, Rob?

Well, no.

SALLY: See, I thought so.

Yeah, but she would've loved to.

Anyway, you can see why I can't just go home and walk

in and say, hello, what's new?

Yeah.

She's liable to dig up a lot of what's old.

Oh, what's the use?

I know what's going to happen.

I'll walk in the house.

We won't talk.

She'll throw together some scrambled eggs or something.

Oh, sure, you want to spend another night in the garage,

right? - No, of course not.

Well, then you better do something about it.

Like what?

Well, uh, I don't know.

Get her a present.

No, she'd threw me out with it.

Not if you get her something she can't turn down-- you know,

something she's always wanted.

Yeah, like maybe a season ticket to the fights.

Wait. Wait.

I got it.

I know what to get her.

I know what'll make her happy.

Buddy, do me a favor. - Sure.

What? What?

Call Laura and tell her I am bringing home a surprise.

Bringing home a surprise.

All right.

Hey, Sally, do me a favor, will ya?

Yeah.

Yeah, call Laura, and tell her that I said that Rob said he's

coming home with a surprise.

Well, why me?

Why can't you call her?

I don't know their number.

What?

Are you chicken?

BUDDY: [clucking]

Hello, Marge?

Would you call Mrs. Petrie and tell her

I said that Buddy told me that Rob asked him to tell her

that Rob's coming home with a surprise?

And I'll give you 8 to 5 I can't repeat it.

Oh, Millie, that looks beautiful.

That's just great.

Now, let's see.

I got the spaghetti sauce simmering.

The salad's in the refrigerator.

The wine.

Where's the Wine Millie, where's the wine?

Right there where you put it.

Oh.

I'll just open it now and save Rob the bother.

Ooh, let him open it.

It makes them feel manly.

All right, if it makes them feel manly, I won't open it.

Oh, Millie, thank you for helping me with all this.

You, um, knew that I exaggerated about Rob, didn't you?

No.

The way you told it, he sounded a lot like my Jerry.

Mommy?

Yes, dear.

What are we having for dinner?

Something delicious.

Aw, gee.

I like hamburger.

I know, darling.

But this is daddy's evening.

OK.

Now, what have I forgotten?

[doorbell chimes]

(WEEPY) That's Rob.

Oh, Millie, why am I so nervous?

Now calm down, and I'll slip out the back door.

(FRANTIC) No, Millie, don't leave me.

Relax.

He's your husband.

Mm.

Um, Richie?

Yes, Mommy?

Daddy's home, darling.

Do you want to let him in?

OK.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Ritch.

Would you ask your mommy if I may come in?

RITCHIE: Daddy said--

You tell Daddy he's welcome here any time.

She said yeah.

[romantic music]

Mommy, Daddy doesn't look like a wild man.

Oh, Rob.

Honey, it was my fault.

Oh, no, it wasn't it was my fault.

Let's go halfsies.

OK.

Hey, this is heavy.

Oh, Ritch, don't drop that.

Is it for me?

No, this is for Mommy.

Mommy, this is for you.

Oh.

What is it?

Your favorite thing in this whole world--

a complete Chinese dinner.

Why did you do that?

Why?

Don't-- don't-- don't you--

Rob, you must have known that I'd have dinner prepared.

--you-- you-- you--

Rob, won't you ever learn?

Why didn't you call me?

Didn't Buddy call you?

No.

The switchboard girl called, but she didn't say that you

were bringing home dinner.

I-- I told Buddy to-- didn't he say surprise?

Oh, no.

Boy, if you want something done right,

you've got to do it yourself.

Are you gonna be a wild man, Daddy?

[laughs] No, I'm not, Ritch.

Then I'm gonna go watch television.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I-- it's just that I wanted--

I wanted everything to be fun tonight.

Oh, darling, so did I. And that's why

I fixed your favorite dinner.

You didn't?

Spaghetti?

Hey, look, just like Ninos with breadsticks and everything.

Crab, duck, egg roll, barbecued ribs.

Moo goo gai pan.

Moo goo gai pan?

Oh, Rob.

Do you remember the first time you brought it home to me?

Mm-hmm.

When you were expecting, Ritch.

You remembered.

You, uh, forgive me?

I guess I should.

You better, or I'll eat up all your moo goo gai pan.

Boy, whoever said there was a silver lining for every cloud

sure his clouds, didn't he?

How do you figure that?

Well, I mean, if we hadn't had that big fight,

we wouldn't have this great making up period.

I just wish we could find some way of having the

making up without the fighting.

Well, there's no way.

But we could make a fortune, if we could invent a way, huh?

Not only that, but we wouldn't run

the risk of upsetting Ritchie.

Yeah.

Boy, thank goodness he missed the fight.

I hope he did.

It could be awfully upsetting to a child

to hear his mother and father yelling at each other.

Yeah, it kind of shakes their secure little world.

I'm sure he was sound asleep though.

But, honey, is that enough moo goo gai pan?

A little heavier on the goo.

OK.

Are four meatballs enough?

Yeah, that'll do for a start anyway.

OK.

There you are, honey, a meal fit for Mrs. Charlie Chan.

Thank you.

And for you, a meal fit for Rossano Brazzi.

Thank you.

Hey, what about me?

Oh, Ritch.

There you are-- a meal fit for a young prince,

your royal hamburger.

Plus tuna fish?

Yeah, the tuna fish is in there just like you ordered it.

Oh, boy.

Can I eat it in my bedroom?

Well, don't you want to eat with us?

No.

Why not, Ritch?

I don't like to hear yelling.

He heard us.

Let me handle it, honey.

Ritch, come here, buddy.

Ritch, did you by any chance overhear your mommy and I

having a discussion last night?

You see, Ritchie, all mommies and daddies have discussions

like the one Daddy and I had?

Do Dr. and Mrs. Helper have those discussions?

Oh, yeah, and a lot more often than Mommy and I do.

They call theirs fights.

It may seem like a fight, but a fight's

kind of a different thing.

What's the difference?

Well, the difference between a fight and a discussion is--

well, now, you've seen boxers in the ring, hitting each other?

Now that's a fight.

You mean like Floyd Patterson and Sonny Liston?

Well, a lot of people thought that was more of a discussion.

Rob, but this is no time for an editorial.

[laughs] Yeah, that's right, Ritch.

That was a fight.

Now what Mommy and I had was a disagreement, a discussion,

and it's all over now.

No more yelling?

No more yelling.

You promise?

I promise.

OK, I'll eat with you.

Good.

OK, everyone, grab your plates.

Ritchie, you mean you really were

afraid that Mommy and I were going to yell at each other?

No, not at each other.

Well, at who then?

At me.

Well, Ritch, why-- why would we yell at you?

For breaking your Saddle and Stirrup shaving

lotion yesterday.

That's right.

I never did yell at you for that, did I?

[laughs] Forget it, Ritch.

It's all forgotten and forgiven.

Tonight, nothing could make me angry.

- Really? - Really.

Good.

I got a 20 on my spelling test.

You have to sign it.

You got a 20 on your spelling test?

Oh, Ritch, this late in the--

LAURA: And, Rob, we promised--

no more yelling.

That's right.

Here, Daddy.

Sign it.

No.

First, we eat.

Then we sign.

But no yelling.

No yelling-- but a lot of loud discussion.

[theme music]