The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 8 - Like a Sister - full transcript

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

And special guest star, Vic Damone.

BUDDY SORRELL: Well, Rob, there's the script, all done.

Boy, I can't wait till I get home.

Pickle's fixing my favorite tonight, canned soup.

Wait a minute, nobody leaves.

There's a change in the show this week.

Oh, now wait a minute now.



Why is there a change in the show?

Will you-- hold it a minute, will you, guys?

All Mel said was there's a change in the show.

Maybe the change will make you happy.

Yeah, the only change that would make me happy would be

the firing of all the hairless producers that

look like pot-bellied penguins.

Buddy, would you-- would you save the insults, please?

What for?

He's here now.

What's the big problem?

Well, it's about the guest spot in the show this week.

Ah, we just lost Sophia Loren.

How could anybody lose Sophia Loren?



It was never definite.

Well, look, it doesn't make any difference whether it's

Sophia Loren or not.

I think any sexy star can do the sketch.

Yeah, that's right.

How about Lassie?

We've got someone.

I wonder who he came up with now.

I don't know.

You know him.

Leave it to him, boy.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Ric Vallone.

[cheering]

Rob Petrie, our head writer.

Hi, Ric.

And Sally Rogers, his collaborator.

Well, you're no Sophia Loren, but boy, am I glad.

I'm glad you're no Rock Hudson.

[chuckles]

Hey, I'm Buddy Sorrell.

I just bought your new album.

You're the one.

Oh, Rob, I was telling Mr. Vallone that you all

might have a meeting tonight to discuss

his appearance on the show.

Sure, don't worry about it.

We'll take care of him.

Fine, fine.

You're in good hands.

Why don't you get out of here and stop looking so bald?

Listen, I could take you all out to dinner.

We could discuss the show and hit around some ideas.

Yeah, but you don't have to take up all of us.

[chuckles]

Oh, no, that's true.

That's right.

Oh, that's not necessary for all of us to go.

Ah, Buddy, didn't you say you had something to do tonight?

No, I-- oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got a--

I got a little thing going with my wife.

I think they call it marriage.

[chuckles]

Yeah, and I've got to, ah--

Help your wife can some plums.

You're low on plums?

Oh, practically plum-less.

If it's all right with you, Ric, Sally

will work with you tonight.

It's all right.

I'd prefer it.

Where would you like to eat, baby?

How about my mother's place?

Your mother's?

Yeah, and then after dinner, if you want to have my hand

in marriage, Dad will be handy.

How about an expensive restaurant?

We can ask the waiter, I'll phone your dad from there.

Oh, good.

Let's go to a real crowded restaurant

and maybe they'll start a nasty rumor about us.

[chuckles] - Hey, I can use the publicity.

Hey, listen, fellas.

If you don't hear from us in a week, mind your own business.

Hey.

Doo-doo-loo, doo-doo-doo.

What do you mean, doo-doo-loo, doo-doo-doo?

What?

Yeah.

No.

Believe me, doo-doo-do.

Good, good. I think I got it.

I hope so, darling.

It's getting awfully late.

[clunking of typewriter]

[laughs]

What is it, darling?

What is it?

[laughter]

Well, darling, what's so funny?

Rob, what is it?

What is it?

It's rotten.

I thought you said you had it.

Ah, honey, you know me.

When I get tired, I start getting punchy

and I laugh at the straight lines.

Oh, boy, I hope Sally comes up with something.

That was awfully nice of you to let her have the evening

off with Ric Vallone.

I thought you'd appreciate that.

You, ah, don't think Sally could attract a man like Ric,

do you?

Ah, from what I hear, Ric Vallone is one

of the original untouchables.

Not even you could catch him.

You know something, darling?

For a married man, you say the nicest things.

I feel I'm no fool.

Look at all the great treatment I get.

[chuckles]

[doorbell rings]

Honey, would you get that?

I'm busy.

So am I.

Well, that's right, you are.

Ah, I'll get it if you'll walk me.

OK.

All right.

Will you walk me back?

Sure.

Oh.

Who do you suppose it is?

I don't know.

But whoever it is better be very embarrassed when they find

out what they just disturbed.

You wouldn't.

Hey, Sal.

Hi, there.

We disturbing anything?

Yeah, we were naked,

Come on in.

OK, but we can't stay very long unless you've got

homemade lasagna in the fridge.

Boy, talk about me being a nut.

I'm sorry.

Laura, this is Ric Vallone.

Ric Vallone, this is my wife, Laura.

How do you do?

Hi, nice meeting you.

Heard an awful lot about your lasagna.

LAURA PETRIE: Oh. [chuckles]

By the way, Laura, do you have any homemade lasagna?

Lasagna?

No, we have bread pudding with raisins.

Ah, no.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, look, you guys, at least have a cup of coffee.

No, I'm sorry, Rob.

We're on the lookout for homemade lasagna

and this is our fifth stop.

We swore not to give up until we found some.

Right.

[slaps knee] Why didn't I think of it?

What, what?

My aunt makes the greatest lasagna of all time.

Good.

Where does she live?

Rome.

You two go back to your necking.

We're off to Rome.

- Oh, nice almost meeting you. - Goodbye.

See ya.

SALLY AND RIC: (SINGING) Awesome lasagna, homemade lasagna.

Well, walk me back?

Mm-hmm.

What do you make of those two? - I don't know.

Either they're both crazy about lasagna

or they're both just crazy.

Or Sally's crazy about him.

What?

She had the unmistakable look of a girl smitten.

Oh, now come on.

How can you tell a thing like that?

Darling, you're talking to a girl who once had that look.

Well, did you notice if the look happened to be--

You mean, is Ric as interested in her?

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, boy.

Buddy was right, doo-doo-loo, doo doo doo.

[MUSIC PLAYING - VIC DAMONE, "THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD"]

(SINGING) The most beautiful girl in the world

picks my ties out, eats my candy, drinks my brandy.

The most beautiful girl in the world.

The most beautiful star in the world isn't Garbo,

isn't Dietrich, but the sweet trick who can make me

believe it's a beautiful world.

Social?

Not a bit, natural kind of wit.

She'd shine anyway, and she hasn't got platinum hair.

The most beautiful house in the world has a mortgage.

What do I care?

It's goodbye, care, when my slippers are

next to the ones that belong to one

and only beautiful girl in the world.

The most beautiful house in the world has a mortgage.

What do I care?

It's goodbye, care, with my slippers

are next to the ones that belong to the one and only--

oh, one and only--

one and only beautiful girl in the world.

I want to tell you something, boy for a singer,

he's got some voice.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

I think that about wraps up the spot.

Oh, great.

Listen, when am I due back for rehearsal?

I'd like to go down to my tailor's for a few minutes.

A few minutes, what you having, a pair of shorts made?

No, we won't need you for a while, Ric.

How about Sally?

Can she come along?

Ah, yeah, I guess.

Why, what'd you have in mind?

I'd like you to help me pick out some suit material.

Well, only if you do something with me.

Like what?

Like eloping.

Only if we have time.

Good.

Goodbye, fellas.

MEL COOLEY: Hi.

Goodbye.

What was that all about?

Ah, I think we got a little twosome going here.

Twosome?

Yeah, but something tells me it's

gonna wind up being a onesome.

Don't you think Ric's really interested in Sally?

Do you?

ROB PETRIE: The think is, Buddy, I

think maybe Ric possibly sees some things in Sally

that we take for granted.

Oh, like her bank book?

No, but an attractive girl with a good figure

and a sense of humor.

You know what I think, Rob?

Who cares.

I think you're absolutely right.

Well, I certainly hope so.

You know, since I'm the one who kind of threw them together,

I think I better check and find out just what's going on.

--and that's the show, all except for the good nights.

Where are the good nights?

Here are the good nights.

Oh, good night.

Now listen, Rob.

Speaking of good nights, do you mind if I leave a little early?

I've got a date with my gondolier.

With Ric?

Yeah, we're going to a lasagna luau.

Lasagna luau, that sounds like a lot of fun.

And you know what, Rob?

I just think the evening might end up in a marriage proposal.

You-- you mean he might ask?

Who he?

I might ask.

[chuckles] You had me scared there for a minute.

He almost scared myself.

Rob, you know I catch myself smiling all day long

for no reason at all.

Gee, it's a wonderful feeling.

I sure hope it lasts.

Oh, so do I, Sal.

Well, I don't want to miss my luau.

Arrivederci.

Have a good time.

Buddy, you were right.

Ask Ric to come in, will you?

I want to talk to him.

Hi, Rob.

You wanna see me?

Yeah, yeah.

Where's my girl?

Oh, she went home-- went home.

Oh.

She's a-- she's a great girl, ain't she?

Yeah, she's the greatest.

RIC VALLONE: Well, what you want to see me about?

Ah, what a-- what did I wanna see you about?

Well, Ric, what-- what I wanted to see you about, we-- we'd

touched on the subject just a second ago.

We did?

Yeah, Sally.

Ric, I've known Sal a long time.

Oh, you're lucky.

I wish I'd known her a long time.

She is a riot.

Yeah, that-- she is that.

She's also something else, Ric.

She's a very easily bruised person.

Who Sally?

Get out.

She's a rock.

Yeah, she's a rock.

What a comfortable girl to be with.

ROB PETRIE: Yeah, comfortable.

Ric, um, I'm gonna ask you something

and I hope you don't think I'm prying.

No, you can go right ahead and think I'm prying

because that's what I'm doing.

What you getting at?

Well, Ric, when you walked in here just now,

you looked around the room.

You said, hey, where's my girl?

Did you mean it?

Mean what?

I mean, is Sally really your girl?

You know, she thinks of you as her guy.

Oh, no.

That answers my question.

Hey, Rob, Sally's a great girl and everything.

But-- and we've had a lot of fun together,

but that's all it was, fun.

Did you ever tell her you liked her?

Oh, sure, and I do like her.

Look, I haven't even kissed her.

I haven't even tried to kiss her.

Yeah, that's even worse.

Telling a girl you like her and then not trying to kiss

her is like admitting you're serious about her.

You're right.

And you say she bruises easily?

Oh, like the old Russian royalty.

Well, ah, what do you think I ought to do?

Well, Ric, I've been thinking about it a lot.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I got it.

I'll tell her I love her like a sister.

You'd better wish.

That's about the worst thing you can tell a girl.

I know, I know.

If only you were married, then you could be a scoundrel

and leave her and go back to your wife.

It's not a bad idea.

What, get married?

No, no.

Let her leave you because you're such a scoundrel.

But I'm not, she knows I'm not.

Yeah, you're not a scoundrel.

No, you're fine when you're sober,

but she doesn't know how mean and how abusive

you are when you're drunk.

[chuckles] Me, drunk?

You kidding?

Two drinks and I fall asleep.

Well, you're an actor, aren't you, Ric?

I mean, you could act like a drunk.

Sally can't stand drunks.

No, I don't know.

I just don't know.

Look, would you rather tell her that she's

like a sister to you?

I'd rather get drunk.

Really, Laura, it was a very nice dinner.

Thank you, Sally.

Don't you think old Rob, um, sort of overdid

it a little bit with the wine?

I mean, two different kinds of wine?

Well, Ric brought his own.

I know, but Rob could have served

everybody with that wine.

It was a big bottle and Ric ended

up drinking it all by himself.

Rob was just trying to be a good host.

Yeah, I guess so.

I wonder what they're doing in there.

They said something about having some brandy.

How do you feel?

Not too good.

You know I drank a full quarter of this grape juice.

Listen, I hope Laura isn't too angry.

I couldn't eat a bite of a dinner.

She's angry, but I'll explain the whole thing to her later.

Was that about the color of brandy?

A little more water, just a touch.

Little more water, OK.

Oh, let me put some of this in, make it smell right.

Good.

OK.

Hey, I got an idea. - What?

Put some all in your hands.

Smelling like a drunk will help the illusion.

There.

Good.

OK, there you are.

Aren't you gonna have any?

No, no.

It's much worse if you're a solitary drunk.

Now let me drunken up a little here.

So you've got to have the collar open, that's it.

That's right.

You got to get the coat back a little.

Am I that drunk?

Uh-huh.

Oh, are you that drunk?

Now start being abusive.

Ah, Ric.

Listen, don't you think you've had about enough to drink.

You take care of yourself, doctor.

A few drinks won't even get me a buzz.

Now but Ric, you're already had a whole bottle of wine.

I've been drinking since I'm 16 and I know my cacapity.

There's almost a quarter of a bottle

of brandy in that snifter.

Are you afraid I'm gonna drink up all your cheap brandy?

Here, go buy yourselves five bottles of that cheap stuff.

Mr. Vallone, I don't want to forget that I'm your hostess.

Hostess?

Oh, some hostess, serving me chicken

when I'm drinking red wine.

Some hostess, hey, fatso?

Isn't he adorable?

[chuckles]

It's all right, honey.

Ric's-- Ric's just kind of kidding.

Now come on, Ric.

I got something to ask you.

You have such pretty blonde hair.

How come you dye the roots black?

He really doesn't mean it.

I'm gonna belt him.

I feel like such a rat.

Listen, there are good rats and there are bad rats.

And you're a good rat.

Don't you think she's disgusted enough with me?

No.

Look, not until she says to me, Rob, get me a cab.

I'm going home.

I don't know how much more of this I can do.

Look, let's go one more round.

Pick a fight with me.

We'll wrestle around a little bit, that'll do it.

Come on, let's fight.

Wait, wait, wait.

What do we fight about?

Ah, insult Laura's cooking.

I did that, I did that.

Oh, you did that.

Ah, break a lamp.

Don't break a lamp.

I got it.

Flirt with my wife.

Flirt with your wife?

Yes, there's nothing more revolting than a guy who

flirts with the host's wife.

Ric, I think you've had about enough of that.

I'll be the jug of that.

Hi, ladies.

Did you miss us?

LAURA PETRIE: I can't say that we did.

You know, you're not much of a cook, but for a housewife--

[clicks tongue]

Rob?

Oh, Ric, that's about enough of that, Ric.

Ric, why don't you just sit down.

Sit down?

When I was just about to twist with this very lovely matron.

Come on, baby. Let's twist.

Rob?

Mr. Vallone [inaudible].

No, Ric.

Ric!

Look, Ric, that's enough.

My wife doesn't like to dance with drunken bums.

Who you calling a drunken bum?

What?

Hey, honey.

Blondie, get out of the way.

I want to do the twist.

My pleasure.

(SINGING) With the very lovely matron, the most beautiful girl

in the world.

Where you going?

The party's just starting.

We got her gone.

Do you think we did enough, we've done enough?

No, not until she says get me a cab, I'm going home.

Now let's do a little more.

All right, you drunken bum. Now--

I wanna dance with your wife.

I want to do a twist with your wife.

[inaudible] you come into a guy's house

and you flirt with his wife, you know what you got coming?

You got this coming.

Rob, what have you done?

Well, I just, ah--

I'm sorry you kids had to see that.

I-- had to be done.

I just-- I just tapped him a light one.

It was a glancing blow.

Oh, Rob.

Well, I'm sorry, Sal.

I-- I should have belted him during dinner.

He had it coming, didn't he?

I bet you didn't know he was that kind of a guy, did you?

No, but I'm sure finding out.

Sally, I'm so sorry the evening turned out this way.

Oh, don't feel badly, Laura.

Would you like Bob to drive you home?

No, no, that isn't necessary.

If you'll just bring him to and put him in the car,

I'll drive him home.

You got-- you wanna drive him home?

Of course, the poor baby.

What, poor baby?

What do you mean, poor baby?

Why, don't you remember what he called you during dinner?

Fatso.

Ha, he said it again, see.

Rob, rob, look, I know.

He doesn't need a hit in the head.

All he needs is a little understanding and compassion.

Under-- compassion?

Don't you remember what he said about your black roots?

LAURA PETRIE: Rob. - I know, I know.

Well, he did.

Rob, would you just help me get him into the car, please?

Oh, wait a minute, Sally.

You can't be serious about driving him home.

Didn't you see him trying to flirt with Laura?

I know, I know.

Rob, please help me get him into the car.

But what are you gonna do with him, Sal?

I'm gonna pour about 10 gallons of black coffee

into him.

ROB PETRIE: What-- what do you mean coffee?

He can't drink coffee.

He's a boozer.

He throws it down all the time.

You saw him, he-- he insulted her cooking.

Honey, you saw him.

He was gonna punch me right in the nose.

Rob, you gonna help me or not?

Well, oh, I'll help you, Sal.

(WHISPERS) You should have kissed her.

What'd you say?

I said he's a weak sister, you drunken bum, you.

Boy, if anybody ever insulted my black roots the way

he did yours, I'd give him the gate fast enough.

Oh, what a drunken bum.

What a drunken bum he is.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand-- how in the world could she feel sorry

for such a mean, miserable bum.

If only he hadn't got drunk.

What-- what do you mean?

Well, it's obvious that he was drinking tonight because he was

uncomfortable about something.

What?

Yes, he wanted to bolster his courage

so he could let Sally down easily.

Now he stuck with her.

What do you mean-- what do you mean he's stuck with her?

The maternal instinct, Sally thinks he needs her.

Yeah.

Boy, what a stupid plan he had.

That was a plan?

Well, yeah.

I mean, it must have been.

It must've been a plan.

I mean, the way he was-- the way he

was drinking there, man, he was really sucking them down there.

Wasn't he?

He certainly was.

Wow, a quart of grape juice and four snifters of warm tea.

How, ah-- how did-- how did you-- how did you know?

Darling, if I've told you once,

I've told you a thousand times.

I'm a woman.

I better write that down.

It's here someplace, I know.

Oh, there it is.

Allen says, you mean on our stage

there's something that has 400 legs and goes, bah bah.

What is it?

It's our glee club of 200 singing the whiffenpoof song.

Why don't you ever number the pages?

I'm sorry, Rob.

I didn't have time to number the pages.

I got a date tonight.

Hey, listen, fellas.

You don't mind if I leave early tonight, huh?

No, go ahead, Sal.

Who's the lucky guy tonight?

Who else?

My drunken crooner.

Goodnight.

(SINGING) Lasa-- lasagna homemade.

Oh, boy.

You're a dandy fixer upper.

Now she's more nuts about him than ever.

She even hooked him for another date.

Oh, boy.

Ric is never gonna forgive me.

I should have never butted into that.

Only one thing you can do now, buy a few thousand

of his albums.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Don't step on a jokes.

Watch that punch liner.

Did Sally leave?

Yeah, Sally left.

She's all gone and you're safe.

Safe?

What you mean safe?

I wanted to drive her home.

Ric, I don't like to pry.

Oh, yes you do.

You wanna know how come I made a date with her tonight, right?

Just for my own education, why did you?

Yeah.

You know what she did last night?

What?

After she took me home, she sang me a medley of lullabies.

I've never met anyone like her.

You know something?

Last night, you were terrible.

You insulted that poor girl.

You flirted with my wife and you were

a thoroughly obnoxious drunk.

And she forgave me.

She said she understood me.

A girl with that much understanding,

I just got to get to know better.

Ric, you-- you're not angry with me?

Angry, are you kidding?

She even owns her own mink coat.

(SINGING) Oh, lasagna.

You know something, I don't understand this at all.

Last night, he treated her like the wrath of the whole world.

And today, she apologized to him.

Rob, you know what I think?

What?

I think we ought to go home and beat up our wives.

[theme song]