The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 21 - My Husband Is a Check-Grabber - full transcript

MAN: The Dick Van Dyke Show starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

[music playing]

Boy, Buddy was sure in good form tonight, wasn't he?

It's a little nippy out tonight.

Nippy in tonight.

All right, what did I do?

What did I do?

What you always do.

Oh no.



Don't tell me I'm going to have one of those arguments

where I have to guess what it is.

Oh, come on.

That's not fair.

At least give me a hint.

Was it something I did?

Said?

Didn't do? Didn't say?

Shouldn't have said? Should have said?

What?

I don't mind playing games.

I don't mind.

But if I guess what it is that's bothering you,

will you tell me?



All right.

Was it something I did before we left the house tonight?

Well, that's not fair.

You've got to help me a little bit.

Even John Daly gives yes or no answers.

After.

Oh thank you, John.

After, all right.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Let's see, Could have been at dinner.

Did I go wrong at dinner?

No, no.

You called me handsome at dinner,

that means there was some degree of affection for me

at that time.

The play.

The play, it could have been the play.

I picked it and you hated it.

No, no, that's not right.

You enjoyed the play.

You cried through the whole third act.

The restaurant?

That's it.

I did something dastardly in the restaurant.

Is that it?

You're not being at all amusing, darling.

Hey, you called me darling.

That means it's not too terrible.

I think it's pretty terrible not to be able to send

our son to college.

Oh honey, I give up.

What could I possibly have done in the restaurant

that our son couldn't go to college.

You know what you did.

You were there.

You know exactly what it is.

You just think about it for a minute.

[music playing]

You're not going to give me a hint.

Was it in the restaurant that I did this terrible thing

is going to keep our seven-year-old son out

of college?

What did I do?

Darling, see if you can't get a nice cozy romantic corner

Right.

Yes, sir?

My wife and I would like a nice cozy romantic corner.

I don't blame you.

Follow me.

Ah, here's a nice cozy table for two.

Hey, how about a nice noisy table for six?

Oh, Laura look who's here.

Rob, Laura.

Come on over.

No laughs at that table.

Join the party.

Yeah, come on over, we need some new blood.

Buddy is down to reciting very adult limericks.

Yeah, there was a young lady from--

Oh, shut up.

See what I mean? Come on over.

Come on.

Hey honey, shall we?

Darling, I--

They need us over there.

Well, all right.

I ruined your romantic evening by agreeing

to sit with my friends, right?

It can't be it.

Wouldn't keep our son out of college.

It's got to be something else.

I told you there was room for everybody.

I thought we were going to be stuck with each other

this evening.

How are you, Pickles?

Well, I had this pain over my left eye.

So I went to the doctor--

Well, believe me it's nothing.

She had a little headache.

What do you mean I had a little headache?

I had to take a whole aspirin.

And a half a glass of water.

Oh, this kid's had a rough day.

Yeah.

And it dissolved before I could swallow it.

Laura, I don't think you'vea ever met Herman Glimscher.

No but I've heard you speak of him.

Well, forget what I told you.

This is what he really looks like.

Herman, this is Laura Petrie.

Very nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Laura's a very happily married woman.

When are you going to make me one of those?

Any time you say, Sally.

Well, how about Thursday?

I'm a little busy Friday, we're having fish.

Enough of this stuff.

How about a little dessert, maybe coffee?

- Good. - Sally?

I'll have some cafe au lait.

Cafe au lait. Anatole?

How about you, Laura?

- Cafe au lait sound fine. - Good.

Pickles?

I'll have some cafe au lait.

Only, make mine black.

Pickles, cafe au lait is coffee with milk.

In French, lait means milk.

So?

So you wanted cafe au lait black.

That's coffee with milk only without the milk.

Well, I like to try different things.

I don't think there's anything wrong in that.

Sometimes I look at her and wonder and other times

I just look.

I'll just have some iced coffee.

How about you, Herman?

Oh, I'll have a glass of warm skim milk,

body temperature please.

Cold milk makes him car sick.

Yeah, that's right.

Ever since I was a kid, you know.

Would that be all, sir?

Well, I guess so unless--

Rob?

You Laura how about something to eat?

- No nothing for me. - Not for me either.

We have a bit of a drive back.

BUDDY: Well, I sure pity you suburbanites.

Me and Pickles if we want to see a show we hop into a cab

and like that, 10 minutes we're there, right?

Yeah. Except we never go.

He sits home and watches TV every night.

I say what is the point of living in an exciting city

if you're going to sit home and watch TV every night.

I mean you might as well move to the suburbs

with the rest of the squares and the hermit.

Oh, no offense.

You're mad because I didn't defend your suburbs, huh?

Well, it can't be it.

Even if you're against the suburbs,

they let your kids in college.

No, it's back to thinking.

Well, I love the suburbs.

If I ever get married and settle down--

Which at this moment is a 20 to 1 shot.

I'd like to live in a little farmhouse.

Overlooking a field of warm skim milk.

Body temperature.

Oh, not me.

Give me New York any day.

Yeah, me too.

What have you got in the suburbs?

Oh Buddy, there are lots of things.

Oh, sure.

Big mortgage in a wet basement.

A tired wife that keeps yelling, "take out the garbage."

You're mad because I made a joke about you and your garbage.

Is that it?

It's not it.

You didn't like the joke I told about your uncle.

Wait a minute.

And what a wedding they had.

Somebody kept slipping something into the punch, you see.

And her uncle kept walking around saying, "my,

what a delicious fruit juice."

Well, the poor guy gets so drunk, he fell sound asleep,

crawled up on the pool table and just passed out.

Pool table?

Don't tell me he was bald and somebody banged

his head in the sidewalk.

No but when he was sound asleep,

several of the relatives picked him up off the pool table,

put him on the floor.

Then everybody yelled fire.

You should have seen that guy crawling on the floor looking

for the edge of the table.

What a funny situation it was.

Oh my goodness, darling, look at the time.

We have to go.

Oh, it's my fault Laura.

I forced Rob to those last two stories.

Well, we better get the check, huh?

Anatole, check please.

Buddy, would you get me some cigarettes, I'm all out.

Why not, sweetie.

You're my friend.

Hey, anybody else want anything?

Peanuts, popcorn, chewing gum, anything?

No, thank you.

OK.

Oh, I'll get that.

OK, Anatole.

There you are. And keep the change.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Rob, how much was the broiled trout dinner,

the sliced chicken, the whole tomato with cottage cheese,

warm skim milk and the cafe au lait?

Don't forget the tax.

Oh the tax, yes. For two.

Forget it.

It was all taken care of.

Oh, wonderful.

OK, kitten here's your cigarettes.

Now, where's my check?

Oh, it's all taken care of, Buddy.

Oh come on, Rob, this is my party.

Well, I enjoyed myself as much as anybody else did.

Oh, that's not right.

After all we ate and all you and Laura had was coffee and cake.

We had dinner.

All we had was coffee but then who's counting?

Buy me a sports car sometime.

All right.

I'd fight you for it if I didn't think I'd win.

Rob, seriously, tomorrow night is on Buddy and me.

- That's right. - What's tomorrow night?

Don't you remember?

Tomorrow night we're all supposed to go to the preview

of that new Swedish picture. You're coming, aren't you?

- Oh, I wouldn't miss it. - Good.

- Well, good night. - Good night.

Nice and easy going home now.

OK.

Don't forget, Rob.

Tomorrow night the treat's on us.

That's if you can out-throw me, partner.

You're mad because I picked up the check, is that it?

I don't care to discuss it.

That's it.

Honey you got to discuss it.

You got to tell me why picking up a little check

is going to keep our son out of college.

If you picked up enough checks you could manage it.

Oh, Laura, you know you're being a little ridiculous.

Am I?

Yes you are.

And you didn't feel ridiculous picking up that check?

No, why should I?

Because Buddy was the host.

He invited us to sit with them.

Well, we had a cup of coffee.

Rob, they had dinner.

Buddy expected to and wanted to pay the check.

Well, Laura it wasn't that big a check anyway.

I don't care if it was $0.02 Rob.

There's a principle involved here.

Do you know why you did what you did?

No, why?

Never mind.

You know why.

No.

I don't know why.

But I would like to know what is wrong with picking up

a little check.

Well-- well, people who grab for checks are trying

to buy love and acceptance.

And I just don't think you have to.

There, I've said it.

Yeah, you said it.

Now tell me where did you read it?

One of those magazines you subscribe to.

Oh boy.

Here we go with the magazine articles again.

Well, you subscribe to them, not I.

You mean to tell me I should never ever pick up a check.

I didn't say that.

If the occasion calls for it, of course you should.

I simply don't think that it's right for you

to pick up every check that comes along.

It's unbecoming and--

I know.

It'll keep our son out of Harvard.

All right.

You can joke about it all you want.

All right.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do.

When I get home I'll take a $10 bill.

I'll put it in Richie's piggy bank for his college tuition.

Now will you love me again?

Aha.

Aha what?

You see what you just did?

I almost wrecked the car.

You said then would you love me again.

Oh, come on.

Are you trying to say that I offered

to put the money in Richie's piggy bank

so I could buy your love?

You said it, darling.

Not I. Oh, if only you can see how unbecoming.

Unbecoming?

You think it's unbecoming to like my friends.

To want to be generous with them.

Listen Laura, a few things that you don't understand.

In case you haven't noticed, men and women are different.

Oh, are they?

Yes, they are.

Women.

You know something?

When women go to lunch, nobody picks up the check.

"I had the tomato aspic.

You had the watercress salad.

And Millie you had you had the cucumber a la carte."

Rob, I am merely trying to--

You are merely trying to make a woman out of me.

And I'm not going to let you get away with it.

You don't know how embarrassed I get when

I got to go next door to Millie's

and give her $0.32 for a head of cabbage she bought for you.

Men don't do things like that.

Oh boy.

Rob am I sorry I ever brought it up.

I didn't realize how touchy you would be about discussing

a little thought.

Well, don't worry darling.

I'm not going to bring it up again, ever.

Good.

Oh, we're home.

Oh, honey the mortgage payment is due tomorrow.

Is it all right if I pay it?

Why do you ask?

Oh well, I didn't want you to think I wanted

the bank to fall in love me.

I think she's angry.

Oh no.

She's definitely angry.

Well, Rob if I knew you were going to cook I

wouldn't have had breakfast at home.

Where's Laura?

Ah, she's got a headache.

Oh.

Want any toast with this?

No, just coffee.

Just coffee?

Yeah, coffee will be fine.

Unless you have some scrambled eggs lying around.

You really want some scrambled eggs?

No don't bother.

Poached will be fine.

How would you like some French toast with that?

Only if you joined.

I'm not going to join.

I'll just have three poached eggs

or maybe some bacon too, huh?

Very crisp.

I don't like the fat.

Hey, Rob, does Laura really have a headache

or is she mad at you?

Both.

And how did you know?

Just wishful thinking.

What do you mean wishful thinking?

You want to Laura to be mad at me?

Sure.

Millie's mad at me and I hate to think I've got the only rotten

marriage in the neighbourhood.

Hey, come on Rob tell me.

What's Laura angry with you about?

It's too silly to even talk about.

You say poached or scrambled?

Poached, poached.

Listen, what's she angry with you about?

Oh, you won't believe me when I tell you, Jerry.

You know why my wife is in there giving me the silent treatment?

Why?

I picked up a check in a restaurant.

You picked up a check and she's mad at you?

Yeah, I picked up a check.

Bought dinner for Buddy and some of his gang and she

got all upset about it.

What's wrong with that?

Well, they had dinner and all we had was a cup of coffee

and I grabbed the check.

So?

Well, my wife says that I did it--

I did it because I want to make people like me.

I want to make them like me by buying their love.

You know, to be popular.

Yeah.

They really come up with some wild ones, huh?

Yeah, they sure do, Rob.

But look, if it'll keep peace in the family,

you better keep your hands in your pocket from now on.

I don't intend to do any such thing.

Well, now look, if it's bothering her,

I think you better.

I don't care if it does bother her by gosh.

I'm going to go right ahead picking up checks.

I don't want to be unpopular.

I think it's great that I like to treat my friends.

That's a wonderful trait to have.

Yeah.

I love to see that trait in people, even if your wife

thinks it's a fault.

That's right.

You know what I can't understand?

Of all the rotten faults I have, why

did she have to pick that one?

It's not even the kind of fault you're

supposed to find fault with.

Oh, I'm open hearted, I'm generous

and if I want to pick up a check for my friends,

it doesn't give her any excuse to lay

in there with a headache, make me fix my own breakfast.

You're right, Rob.

You're generous.

You like to do things for people.

I'll bet that was one of the faults she loved about you most

when she first met you.

Right.

Well, you give a woman her own way

and she'll start chipping away at your faults one by one.

The first thing you know you're perfect.

And everybody hates you.

I mean, who in the world likes a perfect person?

Nobody, just nobody.

Listen Rob, if you like to pick up checks,

you just pick them up.

Right.

Enough with this philosophy.

What about my eggs, huh?

Rob, what did you do?

You said poached.

I shouldn't have beat those.

Hey, how about poached scrambled?

Hi, daddy.

Oh, hi Rich.

Mommy said you'll cook my breakfast.

Don't count on it, kid.

What's that, noodles?

Sit down, Rich.

Hey listen, Rob. I got to go.

I just lost my appetite.

Hey, wait a minute Jerry.

I want to fix another egg for you.

Oh well, I'll have Millie fix them, thanks.

Hey Jerry, look you think I'm right about grabbing checks,

don't you?

Sure, you're right Rob.

Now listen, you stand firm and grab.

Hey, that's my motto from now on.

Stand firm and grab.

Listen, I got to get out of here.

Millie will kill me. I'll see you later.

OK Jerry.

Bye.

Daddy?

Yeah, Rich?

Can I have my breakfast?

You sure can. What do you want?

How about an egg?

A banana.

A banana?

OK, but why a banana?

That's the only thing you cook as good as mommy.

You're right there.

I should stand firm and grab.

So this little old man says, "the nicest

present you can bring to a little

old man is a little old lady."

hey, if you laugh I could go on this all night.

You already have.

It's 12 o'clock.

Boy, when I'm entertaining, how flying times.

- For you. - All right.

We got the check. Irving.

Anatole?

Do we have to go now?

This is fun.

Yes we do.

I promised your mother I'd have you home by 12:30.

She's kidding.

My mother wouldn't say a word even if we were home by 1:00.

Oh, all right.

- Here, I'll take that, Buddy. - Wait minute, Rob.

That's mine tonight.

Oh no, Buddy, it's my treat.

Gentlemen, may I please have the check here.

Rob, you took the check yesterday.

I know, I know.

I know but you said you'd let me have it today.

Did I, Laura?

I don't know.

Well, I do, Buddy.

And I agreed to split it.

That's right. Warm milk is right.

It's our check.

Well, somebody please pay the check.

I got to get Herman home before his mother

starts dragging the river.

This is absolutely correct.

I wanted to make sure you didn't charge us

for that extra dessert we didn't get.

You mean you're not going to fight me for it?

That's right.

BUDDY: Why do you give up so easy?

HERMAN: Buddy, what was my share?

I had the warm skim milk.

With the toast.

I see it here.

Warm toast--

Oh, it was $12.75, Herman, with your tip.

Shall we go, honey?

Yes, dear.

Good night, kiddies.

Good night.

Oh, Rob.

Are you through with your dessert?

Yeah, go ahead, Pickles.

Anatole wrap it up.

I'll take it home for the dog.

[music playing]

Thank you, darling.

What for?

Well, I don't know of any other husband who would have

acted so quickly about correcting a fault.

Especially one pointed out by his perfect wife.

You are perfect.

And you're welcome.

You're perfectly welcome.

But you don't have to be the one who inspired the big change.

Well, who inspired it?

Richie did this morning at breakfast.

What happened at breakfast?

Well, you remember you had the headache?

Yeah.

And I volunteered for KP.

And I just got to chatting with Richie

and all of a sudden in him I began to notice one of my--

Traits?

No, faults.

Popping up.

What did he say?

Well, It started innocently enough.

We were just talking and I--

How are things at school, Rich?

Fine.

How do you get along with Roy and Freddie these days?

Fine.

They still like to pick on you?

No.

You mean they don't beat up on you anymore?

Nope and don't call me shrimpy.

Well, how come?

They don't play with me anymore.

Why not?

Roy says I'm too young and I have baby toys.

Well, they are only a year older than you are.

And why do they mean baby toys?

How about that great archery set I just got you?

They play with that.

I thought you said they don't play with you anymore.

They play with it in Roy's yard.

Why would they play with in Roy's yard?

It's you archery set.

Uh-uh, it's Freddie's.

Richie, did Freddie take that archery set away from you?

No, they traded me for it.

Traded you for it.

What did they give you?

This.

Do you mean to tell me you traded a $5 archery

set for a plastic whistle?

No, they gave me something else.

Well, I should hope they would give you something else.

This.

What's that?

An X-ray of a tooth.

Doggone it, Rich.

Daddy, can I have a glass of milk?

Yeah you can have a glass of milk.

Rich, why did you let Rob and Freddie

talk you into such a bad swap?

I didn't.

It was my idea to trade.

Your idea?

Well, why Rich, you've got at least a dozen plastic whistles.

I don't have a picture of a tooth.

Richie, did you really want a picture of a tooth?

Rich you'd rather have kept that archery set, wouldn't you?

Then why did you trade?

Come here, son.

Rich, you wanted to give them the archery set, didn't you?

Uh-huh.

Why?

So Freddie will like me and play with me.

Well, he didn't, did he?

Uh-uh, he likes Roy.

Well, did Roy give him anything?

Uh-uh.

You see, Rich, what you're trying to do

is make people like you by giving them things.

You don't have to do that, Rich.

Maybe I didn't give him enough.

Well, Rich look, if you had given him your catcher's

mitt and your turtle, it still wouldn't

make any difference anyway.

If people are going to like you, they're

going to like you whether you give them anything or not.

I never gave Ellen anything.

That's right.

Ellen likes you, doesn't she?

No.

She loves me.

She wants to marry me.

Well, Rich why do you think she loves you?

I don't know, just because she does.

Well, she likes you for what you are.

You see, Rich you just can't go buy friends.

Now, did we learn anything here?

Yeah.

I'm not going to give Roy my turtle

and let me play with my archery set.

Here daddy, mind Mickey fro me.

Where are you going, Rich?

I'm going to go play with Ellen because she

loves me for my own self.

It's funny.

Somehow you never think of your own faults

being too bad until you start seeing

your son inherit one of them.

Oh well, check grabbing isn't the worst fault a man can have.

Well, true.

I'll tell you what, you're going to see a couple of change men

around our family.

No more trading for x-rays of teeth and no more check

grabbing.

How about a cigarette?

I'd love one.

OK.

Give me a kiss first.

There.

You were wrong.

About what?

Cigarettes for a kiss, you can buy love.

Hi, daddy.

I got my $5 archery set back.

I see that.

Well, how did you do that, Rich?

I gave them something.

What did you give them, Rich?

A plastic whistle and a tooth X-ray.

You mean they were willing to trade for that?

No, Freddie wasn't.

You mean you had to give Freddie something else?

What did you give him, Rich?

Richy, daddy asked you a question.

What did you give Freddie to get your set back?

A hard punch in the belly.

[music playing]