The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 20 - It May Look Like a Walnut - full transcript

[MUSIC - THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW']

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Starring Dick Van Dyke.

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[spooky music from the tv]

Oh, Rob, please turn this program off.

It scares me.

Honey, not during the climax.

Well, can't you watch it in the living room?

Go back under the covers.



Oh.

[spooky music continues]

Rob, I can still hear that weird music.

Shh, honey, please.

MAN ON TV: Why are you staring at me?

Evelyn, your eyes.

What's happened to your eyes?

Why do you looking at me that way, Evelyn?

No. No.

No!

No!

LAURA: Rob, I can still hear it.

All right, honey, you win.

It'll be over in a second.



Just a minute, just a minute.

Ah!

Ugh.

[gasping]

All right, honey, it's all over.

Not quite.

I'm still breathing.

I'm sorry, I was just trying to block out the music.

Did it work?

Beautifully, but you also blocked out my oxygen.

If you had been Colak you wouldn't need any oxygen.

Colak?

Yeah, the guy in the movie.

I don't think I saw that part.

Well, saw the part where the pretty housewife bought

the bag of walnuts, didn't you?

Yeah, I saw the part where she started shelling them.

Yeah, did you see when she started

open that strange looking walnut?

No, that's when that crazy music started,

and I went under.

She opened it up, and there was no nut in there.

It was just a thing about like the size of a grape.

All that crazy music for a grape?

Well, it wasn't really a grape, honey,

it was a strange looking object, and it gave off a glow.

[weird whistling]

You know what it was?

I'd rather not know.

ROB: It was a particle of absorbitron, a chemical element

from the planet Twilo.

You see this Colak was an emissary from the planet Twilo.

Rob, I would rather not know anything about the planet

Twilo, or Colak.

I think the whole thing is silly.

Silly?

You just didn't see it.

This was done beautifully.

You see, the planet Twilo sent this emissary Colak

down to Earth to get us to stop fooling around up in space.

And he tried to get in the UN building,

and they threw him out.

You know what he looked like?

No, I don't want to know.

Well, what did he look like?

Real scary, and he spoke with an English accent,

and he looked like Danny Thomas.

Darling, there's nothing scary looking about Danny Thomas.

I think he's kind of cute.

You wouldn't think he was so cute if he had four eyes.

Four eyes?

Yeah.

All Twiloites have two in the front and two in the back.

And this Colak kept the ones in back hidden

by letting his hair grow over them,

and whenever he wanted to peek out of them

he'd scratch his head like that.

Hello there.

Oh!

And you know what he did?

I don't want to hear.

He took activated walnuts and put

them in all the bins in supermarkets

around the country.

Oh, Rob, that's enough.

And you know what happens if anybody

opens one of those walnuts?

I don't want to know.

Well, honey, it's not that scary.

Anybody who was exposed to the rays from the absorbitron

slowly take on the characteristics of Colak.

So everybody ends up looking like Danny Thomas,

and that's the end of the story.

Fine, good night.

No, honey, that's not all.

They not only get an extra set of eyes,

but they lose their imagination and their thumbs.

Why?

Because, without thumbs and without our imagination,

we Earth people couldn't possibly

build the things that threaten the existence of Twilo.

Oh, I'd hate to run into one of those walnuts myself.

(ACCENTED VOICE) Why, without my thumbs, I couldn't type.

And without my imagination, I wouldn't have a sense of humor.

Wouldn't I be kind of a strange looking comedy writer?

I think you're kind of a strange comedy writer

right now, Boris.

Good night.

Oh, come on, let me finish, honey.

No.

Oh, honey, that reminds me.

I forgot to tell you something I've been meaning to tell you.

What is it, dear?

Twiloites only eat walnuts.

Oh, Rob!

Yeah, and besides, they don't breathe any air.

All they breathe is water.

And this Colak would start suffocating about twice a day.

Oh, water, water, water.

Water.

Rob, stop it.

Oh, Rob, are you trying to give me nightmares?

Nightmares?

It was just a movie, honey?

I'm going to wake up screaming tonight, I know it.

I'm going to wake up screaming, and it'll be all your fault.

Honey, you just set the alarm for an hour from now.

That's right.

If Colak and his activated walnuts

are going to come after me in my dreams,

I'll be saved by the bell.

Good night.

Good night.

[weird whistling]

Oh, Rob!

(ACCENTED VOICE) Would you care for a walnut, my dear?

OK, OK, you did it.

You just blew homemade waffles for breakfast.

(ACCENTED VOICE) Waffles?

What are waffles?

I only eat walnuts.

Good, because that's all you're

going to get from now on.

Walnuts.

Honey, guess what I found in the living room?

A dead horse.

That's not very funny.

Well, I guess I don't have much of a sense of humor.

Oh, getting your morning breath of fresh air?

Naturally.

OK, you win.

You win.

Here are your walnuts back.

My walnuts?

Yeah, the ones you strewed all over the living room floor.

Now, why would I do that?

Because I teased you last night.

Oh, Rob, you know I don't do silly things like that.

Well, if you didn't do it, then who did?

Well, maybe it was Colak, or one of his friends

from the planet Twilo.

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, Rich.

You have your breakfast?

Yeah, I had a nice bowl of hot walnuts.

Here's your lunch, dear.

Hurry, you'll be late for school.

Oh, boy.

A bag of walnuts.

Yay!

Well, what's for breakfast, darling, fried,

poached, or scrambled?

Scrambled, please.

OK.

One or two?

Why don't you have more than two, dear.

They're awfully small today.

All right.

OK.

I'll eat at the office.

Oh, Rob, darling, wait.

I hate to see you go off without having something to eat.

Now that is a little bit more like it.

Here, you can eat this on the way to work.

You're not going to fix me any breakfast, are you?

Darling, I offered to fix your breakfast.

All right, all right, have your fun.

Have fun. Enjoy yourself.

Hi, gang.

Sorry I'm late.

I'm sorry I'm short.

I'm sorry I'm single.

What kept you, Rob?

A house full of walnuts.

Well, Buddy, shall I say it, or shall we both say it?

I think we ought to both say it.

BOTH: A houseful of walnuts?

Laura was getting even with me this morning because I

scared her last night. - You scared her?

What'd you do?

Show up?

I was pretending that I was this guy

Colak who breathes water.

Oh, yeah.

The four eyed monster they threw out of the UN.

He came from the planet Twilo.

You see that picture?

No, they make a picture out of that?

Last night on television.

No.

I was at the UN the day it happened.

Listen, if this guy didn't have those four eyes,

I'd have married him.

What's this got to do with walnuts?

Oh, well you see, all these creatures on the planet Twilo

only eat--

[cracking]

What was that noise?

What noise?

I heard a noise just now.

I heard it too.

It's like walnuts cracking.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

Where'd it come from?

It might have come from me.

I just cracked a couple.

All right, Buddy.

Who put you up to eating walnuts?

Well, if you must know, I switched from pistachios.

I always eat walnuts.

Doesn't everybody?

Rob, are you all right?

I'm not sure until I find out where Buddy got the idea

of eating walnuts just now.

Why does it have to be an idea?

I was hungry. I like walnuts.

Come on, Buddy.

Where'd you get them?

What's the difference?

Did Laura call you this morning

and tell you to eat walnuts?

Why are you guys looking at each other?

Rob, wouldn't you look at a friend

if another friend asked you if his wife called

and told him to eat walnuts?

Now, come on.

Where did you get the walnuts?

Our guest star gave them to me.

Well, I don't know.

I didn't think Laura was that mad at me, to go to such

a complicated practical joke.

I don't understand it, it's not like her.

Rob, I hate to interrupt you while you're

talking to yourself, but can we get down to work, please?

I have a very important luncheon engagement.

How about we do the spot for the guest?

You know, get that out of the way.

The best idea you've had all day.

What do we do?

Well-- all right, who put that in there?

Colak.

Colak.

Oh, come on.

Let's open the show.

How about using it for an opening a good boy girl number.

I don't think the TV world is quite

ready for a boy girl number sung by Alan Brady and Danny Thomas.

Danny Thomas?

Is Danny Thomas the guest star this week?

You told us about it.

I did?

SALLY: Sure, don't you remember?

You even put a reminder in the drawer.

See?

You guys are very, very thorough.

Oh, come on, let's get to work.

I'm not going to work with you or anybody else

until you guys promise me to stop fooling

around trying to scare me.

Should we stop fooling around and trying and scare him?

Rob.

BOTH: We'll stop fooling around trying to scare you.

Knock it off.

I can't figure out how I forgot Danny Thomas was on the show

this week.

You know, funny thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know a funny thing.

A nearsighted turtle falling in love with an army helmet.

[forced laughter]

Cut it out!

Now look, you guys.

I don't know what you're trying to do.

I don't know what you're trying to do me, but the joke is over,

you understand that?

The joke is over.

I'll tell Laura how good you were, all right?

Now if it's not too much trouble,

may we please get down to work?

Rob, if I didn't know you better,

I'd swear you've lost your sense of humor.

Why did you just say that?

Maybe swallowed some absorbitron.

You did see that movie, didn't you?

No, I told you, I was at the UN.

Remember dollface.

Something strange here today.

Hi-ho, everybody.

Oh boy, Mel, am I glad to see you.

Mel, look.

I want to ask you a question, I want

a straight answer from you.

Who is this week's guest star on the show?

Why, Danny Thomas.

Did my wife tell you to put Danny Thomas on the show?

No, no.

As a matter of fact, she was against it.

She wanted Colak.

Did Laura tell you to say that?

She did, didn't she?

Did you tell him to say that?

They told you to say that, didn't they?

Huh?

You guys are putting me on.

You're putting me on.

Now Rob, pull yourself together.

You look terrible.

Here, this will make you feel better.

Take two of these with a glass of air.

Ah!

I thought you guys were my friends.

Buddy, how's about we work on the opening monologue.

Of course, pal.

Don't forget, Rob, thumbs up.

Something is wrong here.

Something's wrong.

There's three possibilities.

Either Laura and the gang are playing a very

elaborate practical joke on me, or

I'm having a horrible nightmare, or it's really happening to me.

Wait.

It can't really be happening to me,

because I still got my thumbs.

I'm all right.

[weird droning]

I've got to be dreaming.

I'm having a dream.

That's all.

I'm just having a dream.

I'll wake up.

I'll wake up pretty soon.

I know I'm having a dream.

That hurt.

Never hurts in a dream.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Hello?

Laura I want you to do me a favor.

Sure, darling.

Go in the bedroom, pull down the covers on my bed

and see if I'm there.

Rob, darling, I don't have time for jokes.

I have a walnut roast in the oven.

All right, all right.

All right, now you win.

You and your friends have scared the pants off me, I admit it.

Are you happy?

Have you still got your thumbs?

Yes, I have.

There's not much you can do about that, is there?

[chuckling]

Now that's enough.

Laura--

[click]

Laura?

Why is she doing this to me?

That's it, it's got to be a dream.

Must be a dream.

She wouldn't do this to me.

So I'm-- I'm just dreaming.

All right, then I'll do some work.

I'll do some work and I'll just get my mind off it.

I'll wake up.

[whining]

All right, that's enough.

That's enough.

This is too much.

[whining continues]

I beg pardon.

Could you tell me where I might find Robert Petrie?

Who are you?

Who do you think I am?

Danny Thomas?

What is a Danny Thomas?

Then who are you?

Guess.

[whistling]

Uh, why are you here?

I've merely come to see what the last remaining Earth

person looks like.

The last?

Look at me, look at me, I still got my thumbs.

Now, you get out of here Danny or Colak

or whatever your name is.

You get out of here.

Very well.

Oh, look.

Where?

You have a stain on your necktie.

What?

I don't see a stain.

Oh, there it is.

How did you see it from there?

I have a perfect 20/20 20/20 vision.

(SINGING) La dee da da.

Da dee da da.

I must be dreaming.

Either that, or I'm in the Twilo Zone.

I must be dreaming.

It's not really happening to me.

Because if it's really happening to me, and I was a Twiloite,

and the absorbatron was really working,

I wouldn't have any thumbs, and I've got my thumbs.

Ah!

Oh, no!

I got to get home.

I got to go back to a little bed before that I alarm goes off

and I never wake up.

Laura! Laura.

[inaudible]

Laura, Laura?

Did you [inaudible] yet?

Laura?

Laura, where are you?

Laura?

Danny Thomas put nuts in my head.

Laura!

Laura, where are you?

Laura.

Darling.

What are you doing home from work so early?

Laura, you gotta help me.

I'm having a nightmare.

I can't wake up.

You're having a nightmare?

Yeah.

Now look, I'll gone, all gone.

Oh, how cute.

Laura, Laura, you gotta help me get my thumbs back.

Hit me.

Hit me and wake me up.

Darling, I will hit you with pleasure,

but it won't get you back your thumbs.

Well, come on hit me.

Hit me before grow another pair of eyes.

Felt good, but they're still gone.

Oh, my.

All this exercise, I'm a little out of breath.

What you doing?

Getting a drink of fresh air.

You're a Twiloite.

Robert, do you know you have a stain on your tie?

Yeah, Colak told me.

How did you know?

I do wish you wouldn't point.

It's so impolite.

Laura.

My name is not Laura, it's Lolack.

Lolack of Twilo.

I see you!

Yuck!

That's not possible.

My eyes, don't touch my eyes.

Oh no.

I got-- I got to wake up.

I got to get out of this nightmare.

I got to wake up.

I got wake up.

[laughter]

I got to wake up!

Ahh!

[alarm ringing]

I gotta-- I gotta--

oh, oh, oh, wait.

Wait.

Wait.

What are you doing here?

What are you?

I had a nightmare and fell out of bed.

I heard a scream.

Oh, I must have screamed.

Oh, what a nightmare.

What a night-- I dreamed that I was a Twiloite.

And I lost my sense of humor and my thumbs.

Oh!

I dreamed that Danny Thomas was chasing me and throwing

walnuts at me, and every place he hit me I'd lose the thumb

and grow an eye.

Oh, I wish it were morning.

Do you wish it were morning? - Yeah.

So scared.

Oh, try and go get some sleep.

No, I'm just scared.

I know you are, I can feel your trembling.

Well what'll we do?

I don't know.

Sit here and twiddle our thumbs.

Rob?

Hm.

I can't sleep, can you?

No.

You want to watch some TV?

Might as well.

OK.

I'll see if I can get insomnia theater.

Oh, good.

[music playing]

MAN ON TV: One, two, and there, one, two, and there.

Who in the world does exercises

at this time of night?

This guy does.

Darling, who's that good looking man with the beard?

I don't know.

MAN ON TV: Would you guess that there are 200,000

bumblebees on this man's face?

Oh!

MAN ON TV: Bing Crosby, Bob Hope, and Dorothy Lamore

in "The Road to Singapore."

Well, that can't scare you much.

MAN ON TV: That's tomorrow night at 2 o'clock.

Now back to "The Werewolf From Outer Space."

Oh!

MAN ON TV: And now from a supine position

starting with the right leg, and 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2--

[MUSIC - END THEME "THE

DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]