The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 22 - Father of the Week - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

Richie, what's this?

A dirt bomb.

A dirt bomb?

Looks like your dirt bomb exploded in your pocket.

You need this?

Yes, it's my lucky bottle cap.

Richie, why didn't you show me this note

from your teacher?

Your daddy's been named "Father Of The Week" at school.



Yeah.

Well, isn't that wonderful?

The 6th? That's tomorrow.

Oh, honey, why didn't you tell us

daddy had to be in school tomorrow?

I forgot.

I'd better call him.

I just hope he can make it on such short notice.

Can I have my rock?

It's in the back pocket.

What rock, Rich?

A rock that doesn't sink.

Here's your rock that doesn't sink, dear.

That's called a cork.



I know.

Ma? Yes, honey?

Will daddy be too busy to come to school tomorrow?

Well, let's hope not.

Hello, Rob? Guess what?

You've been named "Father Of The Week"

in Richie's class at school.

Hey, how about that?

Well, gang, it looks like "The Alan Brady Show"

is winning all the big awards this year.

I have just been elected the " Father Of The Week."

Ooh, and I forgot to vote.

Father Of The Week?

How do you get to be that?

First, you start off by having a baby.

Hey, honey? What do I get,

my portrait done in finger paints?

Well, I'll tell you all about it

when you get home, dear.

All you have to do is be there at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow afternoon!

Honey, couldn't you have told me about it sooner?

We have a meeting tomorrow afternoon.

SALLY: Hey, Rob? Hold it, honey.

Why can't we have tomorrow's meeting today?

Good idea.

We can't, we're having yesterday's meeting today.

Rob, why can't we have tomorrow's meeting yesterday

and yesterday's meeting day after tomorrow?

That's possible.

Look, honey-- wait a minute, we can't.

Hold it, honey. Why?

'cause I get my hair cut on Friday.

Why can't you get your hair cut on Thursday?

I grow it on Thursday.

Yeah, I forgot.

Well, gang, we'll work it out some way.

Honey, we're trying to rearrange things.

Well, I hope you can.

Rich would die if you couldn't be there.

Rob, if you could see him now, he's almost in tears.

Oh my.

Honey, look, tell him we'll arrange it somehow,

even if I have to cut buddy's hair personally.

Oh no, you don't.

Nobody cuts my hair but my gardener.

Gardener?

No wonder his head looks like crab grass.

Hey, that's good.

Honey, don't worry, I'll be there.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You've just made a little boy very happy.

See you tonight, honey.

All right, bye. Bye.

Hey, how about that?

Father Of The Week.

Well, don't look so sad, daddy's gonna be there.

I don't want daddy to come.

What did you say, Rich?

I don't want daddy to come to school tomorrow.

You don't want daddy to be there?

No.

Richie, why?

Because the father's got to tell about his work

and what'll daddy tell?

Well, honey, daddy will tell about writing comedy

for television.

But he can't show 'em nothing.

Well, he could show something.

Could he show how he types?

Yes, he could show that.

That's nothing to show.

Well, how about Freddie's father.

He's a dentist, what did he show?

He showed some fake teeth from a man without them

and an X-ray of a big cuspidor.

Honey, not cuspidor.

It's bicuspid.

What about Andy's father?

He showed some corn on a big plaster foot.

Well, Richie, I can assure you

that your father will not just sit there and type.

He'll do something.

He could tell jokes or he could make funny faces.

The teacher will say it's silly.

No, she won't.

Yes, she will.

I don't want daddy to be there.

Now, Richie, you know you don't mean that.

Yes, I do.

Richie, your daddy is coming to class tomorrow

and he is gonna make a wonderful Father Of The Week.

I won't be there.

Why won't you be there?

'cause I'm gonna have an upset stomach.

Here he is, the Father Of The Week.

Give me a kiss.

You're silly.

Yeah, he is.

Hey, don't I get "hello"?

Hello.

What's the matter with Richie?

That's the first time in his life he never came up

and said, "Hey, didn't you bring me something?"

Well, Richie has a little problem.

Oh, a problem at his age.

What did he do, lose his lucky rock?

No, it's a little more serious than that.

Hey, your eyebrows are in the frown position.

Is it that serious?

Yes, I'd say so.

Okay, what's the problem?

Well, it's this father of the week thing.

Richie's upset about it.

Well, didn't you tell him I'd be there?

Hm-mm, that's why he's upset.

You mean to tell me he's upset because I'm going?

Shocked?

Well, yeah.

Why wouldn't he want me there?

I'm not bad looking as fathers go.

No, darling, it's not what you look like.

It's what you do for a living.

You mean to tell me he's ashamed

of what I do for a living?

Well, he's just afraid

he's gonna be embarrassed about it

when you tell the children what you do.

When I tell the--

I have to tell the children

what I do for a living?

Is that what the Father Of The Week does?

Yes.

What did you think you'd do?

Well, I don't know.

I thought maybe they'd give me an award

or make me honorary window-pull monitor or something.

I have to make a speech, huh?

Well, just for 30 minutes.

30 minutes?

What do you talk to first graders about

for a half an hour?

You'll think of something, dear.

The main problem, as I see it,

is to get Richie to want you to go.

He's really afraid I'll embarrass him, huh?

He threatens to have an upset stomach if you go.

I just don't understand that.

Well, dear, he's just afraid that you'll be laughed at

because all you can do is type.

Well, I could tell jokes or make funny faces.

And look silly?

That's his biggest fear.

Well, honey, what am I gonna do?

I'm a comedy writer, I can't lie to 'em,

tell 'em I'm a brain surgeon

or a Marshall at Dodge City or something.

No, you can't.

I could just not show up.

That would be worse.

Yeah, that'd be admitting that Rich was right

in being ashamed of me.

I could talk to Richie.

What would you say?

I don't know, I'd try to convince him

that I'm a great guy and he ought to be proud of me.

Rich?

Um, do you want me around?

No, I got you convinced I'm a great guy.

True.

Well, I'll be here stirring things if you need me.

Yeah, okay. Good luck.

Thanks.

Hey, Richie? Will you come here.

Hi, pal.

Come on over and sit down a minute.

I want to talk to you.

I said, "Hi, pal."

Hi.

How are you?

Okay.

Did you have a nice day at school?

Okay.

Good.

Well, tomorrow's a big day, huh?

Father Of The Week.

You know, I went to an awful lot of trouble,

rearranging a lot of meetings so I could be there tomorrow.

It wasn't easy but I said, no, sir,

I got to be at school for my son, for Rich.

Gonna be Father Of The Week.

That's a pretty big honor, isn't it, Rich,

Father Of The Week?

No, all the fathers were it already.

I see. I'm the last father to be it, huh?

Uh-huh. next week, they start mothers.

Oh, I see.

Rich, mama says that you don't want me to come.

Now if you don't want me to come, I won't come.

You mean that, daddy?

Well, no.

I didn't exactly mean it that way, Rich.

I meant--

why don't you want me to come, Rich?

Is it because you're afraid I'll make a bad talk?

Uh-huh.

Well, Rich, daddy could talk about writing.

What are you going to say?

I'll say, "Mrs. Gibbon and members of the first grade,

comedy writing, if you--

if a young person wants to be a comedy writer--

Well, say, if a person sits down at the typewriter

and he wanted to--

in writing a joke or a sketch or something,

there's a construction that you--"

( COUGHING )

Is that the speech, daddy?

Well, that's--

I haven't rehearsed it yet, Rich.

But that's gonna be the general theme.

Rich, listen to me.

There is no reason in the world

why you shouldn't be proud of your daddy.

Now your daddy's a very good television writer

and very well thought of.

And I might add, very well known in the television industry.

Now I have been elected the Father Of The Week

and I will come to your class tomorrow

and accept that honor.

And I forbid you to have an upset stomach.

You heard that?

Hm-mm.

I don't think I convinced him to be proud of me.

I don't think you did.

Did you hear my speech to the class?

Oh, yes.

Shook your faith a little too, didn't it?

A little, I'd work on that speech

if I were you, darling.

I don't have to. I am not going.

Well, why should I?

He doesn't want me there.

And I am sure not crazy about lecturing

to a bunch of six-year-olds.

I'll just forget about the whole thing

and everybody will he happier, right?

Right.

Nobody likes to go someplace where they are not welcome.

He's made it perfectly clear to me

that he doesn't want me there, that he's ashamed of me.

You can't force somebody to be proud of you

if they're ashamed of you, can you?

No, you can't.

Ha, ha, you bet your life you can't.

I'm not gonna put myself in a position

of begging to be admired.

Now I didn't ask to be elected the Father Of The Week.

I don't see why I have to accept it.

It's not like you're being drafted

as the president of the United States or something.

Let 'em get some other father,

some father whose kid happens to be proud of him.

I've lived this long without being the Father Of The Week

and I'm doing fine.

Just fine.

I'm not going.

I'm not. I'm not going.

How's this?

"Mrs. Gibbon and members of the first--"

I'm not going.

I'm not going!

All right, now, children.

Quiet, quiet, let's come to order.

Now then, Mr. Petrie, do sit down.

Make yourself comfortable. Oh, thank you.

Now then, class.

We are about to meet Richie Petrie's daddy,

who is our present Father Of The Week.

And I want you children to pay strict attention

to what Mr. Petrie has to say

because he is going to tell us

all about how to write comedy shows

and how to make people laugh.

Mr. Petrie?

Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Gibbon.

Well, first of all,

let me thank you for electing me the Father Of The Week.

Uh, yes?

We didn't elect you.

Well, that was true.

That's true, Floyd, that really is.

You see, the children volunteer their daddies.

Did Richie volunteer me?

Well, no.

We sort of asked him to

since all the other daddies had already been here.

My daddy's been here twice.

Yes, yes, that's right.

His daddy has been here twice.

You see, Floyd's daddy is a jet airline pilot.

Oh my, he just fascinated the children.

I do hope you'll be as interesting as Captain Harper.

Of course, I'm sure you will be.

I hope so.

Now, I'll just get my chair and I'll sit down here.

Let me help you there, Mrs. Gibbon.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now then, all right.

Now you step right up on the platform

and we'll sit and listen to what you have to say.

Well, as I said, I'm very happy to be here.

As you all know,

I am a comedy writer on "The Alan Brady Show."

How many of you have seen "The Alan Brady Show"?

They're allowed to raise their hands, aren't they?

Yes, of course, they are but, you see,

the show is on rather late for them.

Oh, that's right.

You-- no one here has seen "The Alan Brady Show."

Oh, Richie has seen the show, haven't you, Richie?

Richie?

Yes, I've seen it.

Yes.

Yes, he has seen it.

All right now, Mr. Petrie.

You tell us all about what a comedy writer does.

Yeah. Well, first of all,

a comedy writer writes jokes and writes sketches.

What's a sketch?

What's a sketch? Well, a sketch is--

( CLEARING THROAT ) kind of like a skit.

It's-- actually it's a series of comedic ideas

with an underlying theme in it.

You don't understand that, I don't think.

They don't understand that?

Well, you see, a comedy writer writes jokes

and things that make people laugh.

Why?

Why, well,

because, well, people like to laugh.

( LAUGHING )

Why?

Why?

Well, you see, laughing makes everybody feel good

because-- you'll see, I feel good when I laugh too.

( LAUGHING )

Can you, uh, you do laugh, don't you?

Why, yes, of course, they do.

Why, when Captain Harper was here,

he had them in stitches.

He did tell some of the funniest stories.

( LAUGHING ) We had him here twice.

He was so amusing.

I wish I could have been here.

Well, you see, a comedy writer writes those funny stories

that people like Captain Harper steal-- uh, tell.

Can you write one now?

Could I what?

Can you write one now?

Well, see, there's many different things

that a comedy writer does.

( LAUGHING )

Good. You laughed then.

Did you know why you laughed?

Because that was unexpected.

You didn't expect me to do that.

Did you see that?

Unexpected means that something happens

that you didn't think would happen

and it's kind of like a surprise, really.

And that makes you laugh.

For instance, if Mrs. Gibbon had said,

"Children, we're gonna have some addition now,"

and she said, "first of all, 1 and 1 are 12."

( LAUGHING )

See, I surprised you.

That was the unexpected so you laugh.

Of course, everybody knows that 1 and 1 are 11.

( LAUGHING )

Ha, ha, see?

That's what the unexpected does.

It makes you laugh because you don't expect that

and it's a surprise.

Now, when I came in the door and sat down,

you didn't laugh, did you?

Because there was nothing really funny,

you expected me to do that.

But what if I had come in this way?

Just a minute, I'll be right back.

Now watch carefully, children,

this should be very funny now. ( CHUCKLES )

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

( LAUGHING )

See?

That was unexpected and you laughed.

So that's one way of making people laugh.

( LAUGHING )

Got you again.

So you can surprise people and make 'em laugh.

Now, another way to make people laugh

is something familiar to them.

If they see themselves

or if they see something in other people

that they recognize, they'll laugh at that too.

Now, I'm going to do some movements for you, no words,

just gestures and you'll have to try and guess

what it is I'm doing, all right?

I'll move this light table back.

Well, we'll have to-- oh.

All right, I'm gonna just do some movements

and you have to tell me what I'm doing, all right.

Putting on your shoes!

That's right.

Tying your shoelaces!

That's right.

Shoes are on the wrong feet, that's right.

I'll have to change 'em.

There.

( CHILDREN ALL SHOUTING ANSWERS )

That's right.

Now, I'm gonna do another movement for you.

This is called pantomime.

It was invented by the Romans about 2,000 years ago,

All right?

Now, tell me what I'm doing.

Throwing a baseball!

That's right.

CHILDREN: You're catching it!

Throwing a ball!

You're catching it!

( CHILDREN ALL SHOUTING ANSWERS )

Ooh!

That's right.

Now, what am I doing? Wait a minute.

CHILDREN: bouncing a ball!

Bouncing a ball.

That's a tennis ball.

Now I'm gonna be a tennis player now.

Left-handed tennis player.

This is gonna be in slow motion.

Oh, it's a bad ball.

Ooh!

Now, a slow-motion tennis player.

Here comes the serve.

CHILD: You're batting it.

CHILDREN: You're batting it.

That's right.

It went the wrong way, didn't it?

Alright, now, how many have ever been to the circus?

Have you?

Alright, now I'm gonna do a circus act.

First, you tell me what I'm doing now.

CHILDREN: You're climbing a ladder!

Climbing up the ladder, that's right.

Oh!

( SHOUTING )

A lion bit me.

Okay, here we are at the top.

Hello, kids, down there!

( LAUGHING )

What am I doing?

CHILDREN: Tightrope .

Okay.

( HUMMING )

GIRL: Afraid you're gonna fall.

I think I am afraid I'm gonna fall.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh!

Oh!

All right, now.

What have I got?

CHILDREN: A bicycle!

Have I got a bicycle?

Okay, I'm going across.

CHILDREN: You're riding it...

Thank you. Ta-da!

Oh, I beg your pardon, lady.

( LAUGHING )

CHILDREN: A yoyo!

That's right.

Round the world, over the falls, oh!

CHILDREN: ( SHOUTING )

My nose, that's right.

( SCHOOL BELL RINGS )

Oh, dear.

The time is up already?

Oh, Mr. Petrie, I can't tell you

how much we enjoyed your little talk.

Didn't we, children?

CHILDREN: ( CLAPPING ) Yeah!

It was so entertaining and so informative

and, of course, we could listen to you all day

but now we must all take off for recess.

No!

Children, children, please.

My goodness.

That's the first time

I've ever heard them balk at recess.

If we're very, very good,

perhaps Mr. Petrie will come back sometime

and pay us another visit, hm?

CHILDREN: ( CLAPPING ) Yeah!

Now then, children, say goodbye to Mr. Petrie.

CHILDREN: Bye!

Bye, kids.

All right, now. Class is dismissed.

Thank you for having me.

Bye.

Boy: Bye.

Girl: Can you come home with me?

I can't come home with you now.

All right, boys. Come on now, hurry up.

Will you come home with me?

You won't have much time.

Bye.

Come on, son, that's it.

You know, Mr. Petrie,

the next time I see "The Alan Brady Show,"

I'm going to watch for your name.

And I just want you to know

( LAUGHING )

I must say that I think you were much funnier

than Captain Harper.

( LAUGHING )

Phew.

Rich, did you like my talk?

Real good.

Are you glad I came to your class today?

Yup.

Daddy? What?

Did you bring me anything?

Yeah, I did.

I brought you a hug.

Is that all?

Well, what else would you like?

A kiss.

Okay.

Yay!

Come on, pal. Let's go out to recess.

Well, what did daddy do?

Nothing, but he was good.

And did all the children like daddy?

Yup.

But who liked daddy the best?

Mrs. Gibbon.

Mrs. Gibbon, your teacher, liked daddy the best?

Hi, gang.

Did you bring me anything, daddy?

As a matter of fact, I did.

What is it, daddy?

That's my autograph.

Yay!

Agh!

Ah-hah, fooled you.

You know why you laughed at that?

It was unexpected.

What are you talking about?

That's just part of my lecture

on the art of comedy writing.

Well, Richie didn't tell me what you did

but, from what I understand, Mrs. Gibbon has decided

that comedy writers are almost as good as people.

You heard right.

Well, what did you do to captivate her so?

Oh, the same thing I do to captivate you.

Yeah, I ran up to her and I threw my arms around her.

I said, "Mrs. Gibbon, I love you.

If you don't give my boy good grades,

I'll never do this again."

That's pantomime.

Oh. do that again.

All right.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )