The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 21 - The Boarder Incident - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( ALARM RINGING )

Boy, I better hurry up.

They'll be here any minute.

SALLY: If you want to change the sequence,

it's okay with me.

I don't care if you don't want to do it,

good morning, good morning, good morning.

Good morning.

What are you doing here so early?



I wanted to be first in line for the water cooler.

Yeah, what gives, Buddy?

This is the third day in a row you've been the first one in.

You know something, if I didn't know you better,

I'd say you were sleeping here at night.

You know I only sleep here during working hours.

Hey Buddy, have you heard from Pickle's?

Is her mother any better?

Yeah. Everything's under control.

Pickles is gonna be home in two weeks.

Oh, good.

Oh boy, I can't wait to taste her burnt cornflakes again.

Well, folks, we have a show to write.

Shall we get to work?



Right. Yeah.

Okay.

Opening monolog.

Alan comes out and says, "good--"

Buddy? What?

Either you've got your pajamas on under your suit

or you're wearing the longest pair of shorts

I ever saw in my life.

What are you wearing your pajamas for?

Doesn't everybody?

Come on, Buddy, what's with the pajamas?

Okay, okay.

I've been sleeping in the office for a couple of nights.

You don't have to make a big deal out of it.

Yeah, Buddy, but why?

Well, if you must know, I'm lonesome.

I miss my wife.

Ah.

Go ahead and laugh, it's funny.

We're not laughin'.

Yeah, Buddy, you know we never laugh

at anything you say.

In all the years Pickle and me have been married,

it's the first time we ever been separated.

I tried to go home

but everything I see reminds me of her.

I walk in the bedroom and there's her cold cream

and her curlers and her comic books.

I just couldn't stand it anymore.

I knew I loved my wife,

but I didn't know how much I liked her.

Why don't you go to a hotel?

I tried that. It's worse.

Buddy, there's a big empty guest room at my house

so you're coming home with me tonight.

Oh, look, I'm all right here, Rob.

I don't want to disturb anybody.

Look, I'll be a lot more disturbed

if I have to go home tonight

and get a picture of you sleeping on this lumpy old sofa.

Now, we're friends, aren't we?

Yeah, sure we're friends.

Well, then it's settled.

You're coming home with me tonight

until pickles gets back.

Uh, may I say something?

What?

You're both nuts.

What do you mean?

The quickest way to end a friendship

is for two friends to share the same house.

Sally got a point too.

Yeah, but this isn't two ordinary friends.

This is Buddy and me.

Rob, you got a point there.

Look, fellas, I once shared an apartment

with some very close friends and it just didn't work out.

We fought all the time.

BUDDY: Who was it?

My mother and father.

Look, if we can spend eight hours a day

in this office for all these years,

we can certainly spend two weeks together

in a big house.

Rob, you got a point there.

Buddy, you cannot tell about a person

just by working with them.

It's when you live together that you find out

you can't live together.

Look at any married couple.

Yeah, I got to admit, Sally got a point there.

Oh, look, I don't agree with that.

Buddy, you're my oldest and dearest friend.

Well, you got two points there.

All right, all right, go ahead.

Don't listen to me.

You'll just have to find out the hard way.

I know one thing though.

Buddy, he has his way of living

and, Rob, you and Laura have your way of living

and you cannot put the two of them together

without making problems.

That's a good point. What do you say, Rob?

What's the score?

Well, according to my figures,

that's three points for Sally and four points for you.

Well, then I win.

Take me, I'm yours.

All right. All right.

I now pronounce you man and guest.

Remember one thing,

John Wilkes Booth once shared a room with Lincoln.

Oh, he did not.

I know, but I hate to lose an argument.

Hey, honey, I hope having Buddy here's

not gonna be too much extra work for you.

Oh no, after all, how much extra work can he be?

He's a grown man.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

I'll get it.

BUDDY: Ta-da.

Well, here we are.

Is this the country arms hotel?

Well, this is the home for retired cello players.

Come on in.

( LAUGHING ) Come on, pick that up, baby.

Pick it up, pick it up now.

Come on, pick it up.

Watch, watch, he'll pick it up.

Ha, ha. Yeah, he's a great dog.

Hey, you don't mind me bringing my dog, Larry, along, do you?

No, any dog of yours--

is a friend of mine, I know.

Yeah, I couldn't let him stay in a kennel,

nobody to talk to but dogs.

Ahh.

Listen, just put those things down anywhere.

Dinner's almost ready.

And in honor of your visit, I made a cake.

Oh, thanks, Laura,

but I'm not allowed to eat fried food.

Fried? You don't fry a cake.

No kidding?

Wait 'til my wife hears about this.

Laura, I want to tell you, you got a nice place here.

You put in a few more tables, you'll do a good business.

Ah, the food was delicious.

Thank you.

Oh, it was just great, honey.

My favorite, corned beef and cabbage.

And you served 'em on your best dishes too.

Her grandmother's best dishes.

These have been in Laura's family for generations.

Well, I'm honored.

Well, you're a special guest, buddy.

Oh, I don't want to be special.

I just want to be one of the family.

Well, you are.

Honey, why don't you just leave these?

Let's have coffee first.

Well, all right.

If you gentlemen will just retire to the drawing room.

Wait a minute, where's the drawing room?

Right where you're standing.

Now go and sit down. I'll get the coffee.

Oh, all right.

Come on, Larry, we're going in the drawing room.

Come on, puppy. Over here, puppy.

Right here. That's it. Sit down.

Good boy. Sit down.

You're not listening.

( WHIMPERING )

Buddy, what's the matter with larry?

I don't know. I think he's a little tired.

Probably past his bedtime.

Well, why doesn't he just go to sleep?

I think he got insomnia.

( WHIMPERING )

I'll put him asleep. Watch this.

Sleep, boy, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Good job.

( WHIMPERING )

Oh, I know what to do. It always works.

Loves the cello.

You know, Buddy, I'm surprised you still have that cello.

I thought you got rid of it when you quit vaudeville.

Well, I was gonna but Larry likes it so much.

Watch this.

( CELLO PLAYING BRAHMS LULLABY )

See, it always works.

Dessert time.

Oh, Laura.

Come here, that looks kind of heavy.

Let me help you with it.

No, that's all right, Buddy. Oh, come on, I insist.

No. No, come on.

Oh, gee.

Oh, boy, I'm sorry, Laura.

What did I do?

I think, honestly, Buddy, you dropped some heirlooms.

Oh, I'm-- gee, this is awful.

It just slipped out of my hands, honest.

And they're your best dishes.

They were.

Look, I'll replace every one of them that got broken.

No, you don't have to, buddy. It was an accident.

No, I insist. I'll replace every one.

No, Buddy, we don't want you to.

Well, why not, they're heirlooms.

Well, I never liked those dishes anyway.

They were so old.

Oh, am I exhausted.

I hope Buddy's not gonna expect us

to stay up with him every night

and watch "The Late, Late Show."

Nah, he won't, honey.

It's his first night here.

He expected us to stay up and keep him company.

Well--

Boy, I sure feel sorry for Buddy.

For Buddy?

Yeah, how would you like to be

the one who ruins somebody's priceless heirlooms?

Oh, I suppose you're right.

He must feel terrible.

Honey, do you think we can glue any of it back together again?

I don't know. We can try.

Oh boy, am I tired.

Me too.

I'm gonna be a wreck tomorrow.

Yeah, but a good-looking wreck.

Hey, come on, quit fussing and let's go to bed.

In a minute.

32, 33, 34...

99, 100.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

( GARGLING )

What's that?

That's just Buddy gargling.

It sounds like his gargler is broken.

And it's coming in so loud and clear.

The advantages of modern walls.

He'll stop in a minute.

( GARGLIN RESUMES )

( GARGLING CONTINUES )

Goodnight. Goodnight.

( WHIMPERING )

BUDDY: Shh, quiet, boy, quiet.

You'll wake up everybody.

( INDISTINCT ) kennel. Down, boy, down.

Sleep.

( CELLO PLAYING BRAHMS LULLABY )

( CELLO PLAYING SPEEDS UP )

( CELLO STOP PLAYING )

( CELLO PLAYS AND STOPS )

Goodnight.

I hope so.

( GARGLIN THE TUNE OF BRAHMS LULLABY )

Penny a point?

Deal.

Laura?

Laura?

Honey, look at this.

This is the fifth time in a row,

I've got the spaghetti edition of the morning paper.

How often do I have to tell you, dear,

Buddy is training Larry to bring in the paper.

How do you expect me to read that?

The same way I'm gonna read this letter from my mother.

He's training him to bring in the mail too.

ROB: You know how I hate a messy newspaper.

You're awake early.

Why don't you go out and get the paper

before Larry gets to it?

Oh, it isn't enough that I have to get up

and get breakfast for a household of people?

Now you want me to race the dog for the paper.

If making breakfast for me is too much trouble,

you can forget it.

Well, if you and Buddy didn't stay up

until all hours of the night carousing,

you could get up and get your own paper.

Carousing?

It just so happens that we were working all night.

You call it anything you like, dear.

The point is, you kept me up until 3 o'clock

every morning this week.

Sweetheart, there is nothing in the book

that says you have to stay up with us, you know.

I know it. What are we fighting about?

I don't know.

Shredded letters and newspapers.

Well, what, is that anything to fight about?

No!

Honey, I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

No, it isn't, Rob. It isn't anybody's fault.

It's just we're both on edge.

Now sit down and I'll fix your breakfast.

Come on, forget breakfast.

Let's sit down and talk this out right now.

Oh, Rob, I don't know how to talk it out

without sounding petty.

We've been at each other's throat all week long.

I know, I've been here.

Rob, I don't know how to say this,

but I think maybe it was a mistake

asking Buddy to come here and stay.

He's just confusing our whole way of life.

It's a lot of things. Even his eating habits.

Honey, it just so happens he likes liver and bananas.

You'll get used to it.

Rob, do you really think so?

No.

Well, I hate to say this, dear,

but I think somebody's gonna have to ask him to leave.

Ask him to leave? Honey, I can't do that.

Buddy's my friend.

That's why you should ask him.

Well, I'm not gonna ask him.

Not gonna ask me what?

Ah, uh, what you want for breakfast.

Why wouldn't you ask me?

Well, I thought you were asleep, buddy.

No, no, I got to take Larry out.

Come on, Lar. Out here, boy.

On the garden

and don't dig up any more of those tulip bulbs.

You'll never be invited back.

What a crazy dog. He loves tulip bulbs.

Likes it better than dog biscuits.

I know.

What would you like for breakfast, Buddy?

I don't know. What have you got in the ice box?

There's some leftover liver and bananas.

For breakfast?

Oh, I don't want anything.

Just whatever you guys are having.

No special menus for me.

Well, we're having eggs.

Good, I'll have eggs.

Okay. How would you like 'em?

Oh, fix 'em any way you want, I'm not fussy.

I see that.

Look, Buddy, I can fix 'em any way at all,

you just name the way.

Look, any way you fix 'em is fine with me.

LAURA: But if you can have them any way at all,

why shouldn't you have 'em the way you like them?

Whichever way is easiest for you.

Well, one way's as easy as another.

It's immaterial. How are you having 'em, Rob?

Uh, scrambled.

Good. I'll have 'em scrambled.

All right, scrambled it'll be.

I had scrambled eggs yesterday

but I don't mind having 'em two days in a row.

Well, how about fried?

Fried? Yeah.

All right. Fried eggs coming up.

You know something?

I never liked fried eggs

but I think I should be courageous and experiment.

ROB: Buddy, you don't have to experiment.

Buddy, would you like 'em soft boiled?

Yeah.

Okay.

You know something?

I haven't had soft boiled eggs since I was a kid

and my ma forced me to eat 'em.

Buddy, I don't want to force you to eat anything.

If you'll just tell me how to cook your eggs.

Any way. I'm not fussy.

Buddy, Laura's mentioned every kind of eggs

except maybe eggs benedict--

Yeah, I like them.

What?

Eggs benedict, yeah.

Buddy, I haven't any idea at all

how to make eggs benedict.

You don't? Boy, I make 'em great.

Let me get in that kitchen there.

Come on, now, this is my department.

Look, you've been waiting on me all week.

I insist. Buddy, no.

Come on.

You two just sit down here and relax.

Let uncle Buddy wait on you.

Ho, ho. Eggs benedict, huh?

I'll show you how you really make eggs benedict

because I've been--

Oh, laura, where do you keep the ham?

In the refrigerator.

Do you mind?

No, I'll get it.

One plate of ham.

And some cheddar cheese.

Cheddar cheese.

And some milk.

Buddy, it's in front of you.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Look, now, will you just go over there

and sit down and let me take care of this.

Come on. Right over there.

Sit down and let uncle buddy do it.

That's it.

Now, oh, I need some flour.

I'll get it.

And let me see.

Oh, I'll need three mixing bowls.

Three? Yeah.

I'll get 'em, honey.

Here's your flour, buddy.

And, oh, would you mind cleaning out the skillet, honey?

No, not at all.

Good.

Oh, well, buddy, I have a clean one right here.

I can get it for you.

No, no, I'll need two of 'em.

Gee, we all want to eat together, don't we?

Let me have those bowls. Come on, you two,

just go back over there and sit down.

I'll take care of that. Let me have it.

Where's the other one?

Skillet.

Please, now, the two of you,

will you just sit down and let me do this?

Okay.

Good enough.

Yeah, I'll fix it for you.

Oh, one more thing.

Some english muffins, a spatula and some cooking sherry.

I'll get the sherry.

Honey, you get the muffins--

wait 'til you taste this, boy. Ha, ha.

Why don't we just have a little toast?

And, oh, listen, some black olives

and a half a pint of cream.

I'll have to ( INDISTINCT )

so I can get the can opener out of here.

Honey, you want to ( INDISTINCT ).

Excuse me, Buddy.

Buddy, Buddy?

What, what?

What are you looking for?

I don't know, but there's something missing.

I don't know what went wrong.

You sure the eggs weren't stale?

Fresh eggs.

Maybe the milk was kind of curdly.

Came this morning.

Can't understand it. Looks good.

Laura, what did you fry last in that pan?

Liver and bananas.

Oh, no wonder.

Buddy, instead of blaming Laura's frying pan,

let's just admit you don't know how to make eggs benedict.

Look, I didn't say anything about the frying pan.

I just want to find out what went wrong.

Well, now, wait a minute, Buddy.

Fellas, fellas.

You're gonna be late for work

if you don't start getting ready.

Yeah.

Well, I want to stop by and get some coffee

and doughnuts anyway, I'm hungry.

Rob, I'll take my own car down the office

and meet you there.

How about that guy?

How about this kitchen?

How about that Buddy and I started shouting at each other?

How about that now's the time

to suggest that buddy move to a hotel?

Rob, we're all gonna end up enemies if you don't.

Yeah, you're right, honey.

I'll tell him at the office.

How will you do it? I don't know.

I'll say, "Buddy, look, you and I are good friends

and I think you better move out of the house

because if you don't, I'm gonna kill you."

Hey, Rob-- Say, Buddy--

Look, I want-- There's something on my--

Alright, you first.

No, mine can wait.

You go-- You start.

Go ahead. You're the head writer.

You go first.

Well, I don't want to take advantage of that.

Go ahead.

All right. You know, Rob,

you and Laura are probably the best friends

I got in the whole world

and I wouldn't want to do anything

to jeopardize that friendship.

Go on.

I just don't think I should live at your house anymore.

Oh? You've been wonderful

but, let's face it,

you and Laura aren't the two easiest people in the world

to get along with.

Boy, you're upset with my whole way of life.

You guys go to bed so early

I don't even get a chance to gargle anymore.

I just think it'd be better for all concerned

if I move back here to the office.

Oh well, Buddy, you know how we feel about you.

Our home's your home.

That's nice of you to say that but I don't know,

I feel that I've been imposing on you and Laura.

Haven't I?

Well, no, Buddy, we enjoyed having you.

You mean that?

Well, would I say it if I didn't mean it?

I don't know, I just had the feeling

that you'd be a lot happier if Larry and the cello and me

moved out of the house.

Well, Buddy, if you don't like it,

if you don't like the house--

I didn't say that.

Well, do you want me to stay?

Well, I-- What do you want to do?

Well, I don't know. Do whatever you want.

Well, I just want to do whatever you want to do.

All right, I'll stay.

Well, I'm glad.

Me too.

Swell.

( PHONE RINGING )

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hi, I just wondered if you spoke to Buddy yet?

Well, Laura, honey, I'm glad you called.

Do you want to hear something funny?

Ha, ha.

Buddy thought he was being too much trouble

and wanted to move out of the house, ha, ha.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Now you won't have to ask him.

But I talked him out of it.

Are you out of your mind?

Ha, ha. I knew you'd react that way.

She's delighted you're staying, Buddy.

Rob, you can't do this to me.

I just spent three hours

scraping eggs benedict off the walls.

No, I don't know what time we'll be home.

Buddy's in the office and you can't talk.

Answer yes or no.

That's right.

You've backed yourself into a corner

and you can't get out of it?

Rob, I have a feeling you're nodding your head

and it's hard to hear that over the phone.

What's she say?

She wanted to know if liver and bananas

would be all right tonight.

Oh, sure. Swell.

Liver and bananas are fine, honey.

I don't suppose there's any way out of this?

You said it.

Well, don't worry, dear. We'll manage.

We'll survive somehow.

You know what you are? You're a doll.

You know what you are?

ROB: What?

A coward.

ROB: But lovable.

Come home alone and you'll be lovable.

Yes, honey. Buddy will be right with me.

Rob, take the phone away from your ear.

What for?

Just take the phone away from your ear.

All right.

( PHONE SLAM DOWN )

Ha, ha. Same to you, honey.

( KISSING )

What did Laura say?

Well, she-- All I can say is that she feels

the same way about it that I do, Buddy.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hi, fellas.

Oh, hello,Sal. Oh, hi, Sal.

Well, I was wrong.

About what?

About you two living in the same house all this time

and you're still friends.

Yeah, that's right.

Where you been, Sal?

Where would I be at this hour?

I was window shopping at the YMCA.

Hey, Buddy, did you get the message I left for you?

I didn't get any message.

Pickles called and she said that she would be home tonight,

that her mother's all better.

Oh, boy.

I guess I won't be going home with you after all.

Gee, I love you kids, but oh my wife.

I'll have to call up Laura and give her the good news.

I mean, about your mother-in-law being all better.

Oh, wait a minute, Rob.

Before you make that call, there's something I want to say.

You know, it's when a guy is lonesome,

he really knows who his friends are.

And you and Laura have been knocking yourself out for me

and I want you to know I appreciate it.

Oh, come on, Buddy.

No, I mean it.

I don't know how I could have gotten through this month

without you.

ROB: I'll admit it's been a pretty rough month.

Month?

Hey, fellas, I hate to shake you up

but it's only been a week.

BOTH: A week?

Boy, it sure seemed like a month.

( LAUGHING )

Well, you know something?

Having buddy here wasn't really so bad.

No. but just the same, I'm really looking forward

to a good night's sleep, aren't you?

Oh, boy, am I ever?

Well, goodnight, honey.

Goodnight.

Listen.

I don't hear anything.

I know.

It's been that way all night.

No gargling, no whimpering, no cello playing.

It's so quiet, I can't sleep.

Penny a point?

Deal.

( MUSIC PLAYING )