The Degenerates (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Joey Diaz - full transcript
[rhythmic clapping]
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Joey Diaz!
[cheering and applause]
What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?
Thank you for coming out.
You know, it's crazy
we're shooting this in Vegas
'cause there's, like, a fucking...
The is where the degenerates
were fucking invented.
- You know what I'm saying?
- [laughter]
Here's where the degenerates
were fucking invented. I'm a degenerate,
you know, but I've always been,
like, one with fucking morals.
You know what I'm saying?
You gotta have a little morals.
For example, Cinco de Mayo
I went down to Arizona,
but whenever I go down
to Arizona and perform,
the guy I fucking kidnapped in '87
lives in Tucson.
[laughter]
So whenever I go down there, I call him up
to rekindle a relationship, right?
Now I kidnapped this guy in '87.
I was all fucked up and I kidnapped him.
Then in '88,
I got convicted of second-degree burglary.
I did two years, and when I came out,
I was walking around Boulder one day
and I bumped into the guy I kidnapped,
right, in '87.
And he goes, "Come with me to this bar."
I'm like, "Wow."
And then he was selling coke.
I go, "Hey, sell me a gram of blow."
So he sold me a gram of blow.
While he's waiting,
he's like, "I can't believe you fucking
robbed me." I go, "Listen.
It was a bad day, all right.
It was a bad day for everybody."
He's like, "You put me
in the trunk of a car!
What type of friend does that?"
I go, "Listen. I don't fucking know.
There was no law and order.
I didn't know it was fucking kidnapping.
I didn't know."
I thought kidnapping is
when you call somebody,
"I got your nephew. Give me $50."
[laughter]
I don't know kidnapping's when you take
somebody from one room to another room
against their fucking will.
I didn't know that.
I mean, I had a machine gun.
He had no choice. You follow me?
I'm sorry. I got cash today.
That's all that matters, all right?
[laughter]
I got cash today. Who gives a fuck...
about the past? You follow me?
So I apologize to him like a fucking man,
and then I got into comedy.
I didn't see him for a few years.
Then Facebook came out.
I hit him up on Facebook,
and he's like,
"I don't want to be your friend."
He declined me right off the bat.
I did this for a few years,
and then on the 25th anniversary,
I go, "Come on, man. What the fuck?
You're not going to friend me now?"
Come on. Come around.
You sold a gram of coke from me
and the whole thing,
but then I got him.
I got him on the 25th anniversary.
I sold him
on the whole Christianity thing.
"Come on, dog. You're a fucking Christian.
What the fuck? Forgive me."
And he forgave me,
and he called into the podcast.
We become friends after that.
And that's cool.
I can live with all that shit.
But... whenever I go to Arizona,
we always talk the week before
I get down there to do comedy.
He always tells me
how he's gonna show up.
"I'm gonna show up. I'm gonna show up."
Then as I'm leaving, I go,
"That motherfucker didn't show up again."
But out of all the times, I never really
give a fuck. I got a lot on my mind.
This time I gave a fuck.
Saturday I went back to the room.
I put my feet up. I smoke a half a number.
I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, "Fuck,
this guy didn't show up again today."
I'm like, "That's fucked up
he didn't show.
What the fuck is wrong with people?"
And my feelings got hurt
for a couple minutes.
Then I sat there and I'm like,
"Wait a second.
I kidnapped this guy.
[laughter]
Why the fuck would he show?"
You know what I'm saying?
If you kidnapped me,
I'd never fucking show.
And here's the funny thing.
I'm charged with second-degree burglary.
You know why?
Because he invited me over for lunch.
Wait a second.
Who robs somebody
when they invite them over for lunch?
Me, a fucking degenerate.
That's who fucking robs you.
[audience] Whoo!
So... you know.
But there's something...
I've done a lot of degenerate things,
but there's a of things
I won't do it, like...
I lit a bum on fire one time in Hollywood.
Not 'cause I wanted to.
I was smoking a joint.
I threw the flame out the window.
And he was downstairs
with a Kmart sweater on
with like a fucking blanket.
It lit up on flames.
And I'm good. I went down
and brought him another blanket.
You know I'm tight with that.
I heard him down there
yelling and screaming,
so I brought him down the other blanket.
But that's the type of guy I am. Like...
And listen, now I'm trying
to fucking apologize.
I got in the whole new life.
I got a five-year-old daughter.
Can you believe that shit?
I got a fucking five year old.
That means... that means I knocked
my wife up at 49.
You know what I'm saying?
That's fucking strong. You follow me?
These guys on TV that I can't get
a fucking hard-on at fucking 40.
They have erectile dysfunction.
Look at me
impregnating motherfuckers at 49.
I was with my wife for 13 years.
Nothing happened.
And then I said,
"Fuck, I'm taking this old school."
Protein powder and squats.
You start...
You start doing protein powder and squats,
the animal comes back like when...
Remember when you were 14?
You had big dick at 14, remember?
Tell these women
how good your dick was at 14.
They were too busy cheerleading
and selling Girl Scout cookies and shit.
When we were 14, that's
the best dick you ever fucking had.
Why do you think all these teachers
suck 14-year-old dicks and shit?
'Cause that's
real fucking cock right there.
Guys, remember when you were 14?
That dick wouldn't die.
You wouldn't even come.
You go home like a fucking savage
and shit. People would ask you,
"What are you doing this weekend?"
"I'm staying in."
You'd fuck everything in that room,
remember?
At the end, you'd just fuck
the pillow to death and shit.
Your mother would come on Monday
and there'd be
blood and feathers everywhere.
A couple weeks ago,
I went home with my daughter,
and I was watching...
We got home from pre-K.
I pick her up on fucking Mondays
to whatever the fuck.
And I brought her home and ESPN is on.
And Glory Kickboxing was on.
Now she's five.
She goes to karate.
I go, "Mercy, come here. Watch this shit."
Look at what karate is.
This is what karate fucking really is.
And she's like, "I don't understand."
And all of a sudden, it's kickboxing.
They're squaring off
and they're punching each other.
And finally the one woman did something
I never seen or thought of fucking doing.
She held off and kicked the other one
right in the fucking pussy, right?
- Just... bam!
- [laughter]
And I'm sitting there like, "Holy shit!"
My daughter even...
My daughter's looking at me.
I'm looking at her.
I don't know what to fucking tell her.
Finally, the ref goes,
"Everyone all right?"
Yeah. What do you think she does again?
She hauls off and kicks her again...
in the fucking pussy.
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"
Now, my daughter's looking at her foot,
like fucking doing it with her foot.
Like, "I could do this."
I had never seen that before.
I never even thought
of something like that being done.
I asked my wife. I go, "Does that hurt?"
She goes, "Yeah, but women
can't put a fucking cup on."
My point fucking being... okay,
that even as a creepy motherfucker
I would never think of doing
something like that, you understand me?
I mean, listen. I'm 55, but I'm
92 in cocaine years. You understand me?
I mean, I'm fucked up.
I don't do drugs no more.
I just smoke pot now. That's all I need.
And I smoke weed
'cause I'm fucking broken, okay?
I don't smoke weed
'cause I want to be Mr. 420
or whatever. No.
I smoke week 'cause I'm fucking broken.
When I wake up in the morning,
I look in the mirror.
I'm fat. I'm ugly. They're gonna hate me.
Okay. Okay.
A little fucking coffee,
a few bong hits for Jesus,
- a piece of nicotine gum. Oh, shit.
- [cheers and applause]
You're in the shower.
Somebody is going to suck my dick today.
Nobody sucks your dick, you know.
But at least it gets you out of the house.
You follow me?
That's like Anthony Robbins type shit.
It gets you out of the house.
How fucking crazy is it
that we live in a country now,
2018, we can't take our dick out anymore?
One guy fucks it up for fucking everybody.
We can't take
our fucking dick out no more.
You know how much fucking fun that was?
Listen, I'm 55... I haven't taken
my dick out in 23 fucking years.
The point I'm making is what the fuck
kind of country do we live in
that we can't even take your dick...
I grew up in Jersey.
Things got a little boring.
You went to a party.
You took your dick out. No big deal.
Somebody starts dancing,
you know what I'm saying?
Now, if somebody took a tit out,
that's a fucking party now.
But I had a good time
with my dick growing up.
You have a good time!
You ever go into Dunkin Donuts?
Just put your dick on the glass, right?
Just...
Order a few donuts.
Let me get a little cinnamon raisin.
Let me get a glazed donut.
Then the last one,
you get a chocolate éclair.
She has to look underneath,
you know what I'm saying?
She pops her head underneath,
sees that little dick on burglar mode
through the glass.
Aah!
That's not sexual harassment.
That's entertainment.
Big fucking difference.
[laughter]
See what I'm saying?
The cops can't do nothing.
I remember being at White Castle one time,
where fucking entertainment lives.
White Castle is the shit.
Especially after, like, 1:30.
That's when you see
people get stabbed and shot.
Nobody gives a fuck.
They just put a chalk outline,
and you step right over it.
Nobody gives a fuck.White Castle's
the best. You ever go to one?
I used to go to a White Castle
that the lady had, like, missing fingers,
and she only had,
like, a little pinky and this one.
And she put the french fries
or the cheeseburgers in the box this way.
And we walk in,
"Chopsticks, what's happening?"
She go, "What's happening?"
Fucking hilarious.
Hilarious.
But one time I'm at White Castle
across from Hudson County Park,
and there's a guy on line, waiting with
his hand shaped funny, like this on line.
And we're 18, me and my buddies.
I think Roger.
"Pally, come here for a second.
You see that guy's hand? I'll give you $5
if you put your dick in there."
He's like, "Give me
the five up front and I'll do it."
I go, "Fuck it. Here's the fin."
He walked right up behind the guy.
He creeped up behind him.
The guy was sitting there
minding his own business.
Just this dick behind the guy's hand.
There was a cop working the detail.
He saw the whole thing go down.
He couldn't fucking stop laughing.
Do you understand?
He was laughing his fucking ass off.
The guy's like,
"Aah! What are you doing to me?"
"It's nothing, nothing. Relax.
I'm just here having a good time.
Don't worry about nothing."
He bought the guy
ten burgers as we were leaving. No problems at all.
Nobody got their feelings hurt.
You understand me? No big deal.
As we were leaving, the guy
was sitting there with his dicky hand,
eating a White Castle burger
with a milkshake,
happy as a pig in shit.
You understand me?
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[cheering and applause]
You know...
Mentality.
Even my mentality's lost sometimes.
I don't understand this shit.
'Cause I can never be a sexual harasser
for a certain reason.
I can't cover the spread.
I'm not good in bed.
Like, I'm not good in bed,
you understand me?
I come to a minute,
a minute and a half,
and that's if I breathe
out of my nose and look straight ahead.
I got to, like, just...
- [breathing heavily]
- [laughter]
And I gotta fuck with earplugs on.
If you make one noise,
I just blow the fuck up.
Bam!
That's why I could never be
a fucking sexual harasser.
I can't cover the spread, it's that
simple. You know what I'm saying?
And don't look at me weird like that.
I just can't, you know?
I've done creepy things, but not
like that. We've all done creepy things.
And the ones
you don't want to do,
like I don't believe in anal sex.
I never liked that shit.
Fucking somebody in the ass.
Disgusting.
And you always want to do it, like,
"I can't wait to fuck someone in the ass,"
until you do it
and you get grossed the fuck out.
'Cause when you take your dick out,
the ass stays the same way, right?
It's like, what the fuck is this?
A telescope?
I don't even need to put a nickel
in there. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
That's a new joke. Fuck it. We'll keep it.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a Las Vegas joke.
[all cheering]
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I work with a young guy.
I hang out with this young guy.
And the other day he was telling me that
he dated his girlfriend for four years...
and he never came in her mouth.
I overheard this.
[laughter]
I'm like, "What?"
He goes, "Yes, she didn't like it
in her mouth."
I'm like, "What? Are you fucking crazy?
When they tell you
not to come in their mouth,
that's the first thing you fucking do."
I don't like come.
Okay, I won't come in your mouth.
Blam, there you go.
The fucking eyeballs hanging out.
I told you I don't like come in my mouth.
Hey.
What are you gonna do?
I'm no Harvey Weinstein,
but I'm no half a fag either,
You know.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I'm no half a fag, either, all right?
[applause]
I'm sorry I said the word fag.
You can't say it.
I'm an old man, all right?
You can't change the rules in between.
For 40 years, everybody was saying faggot.
Now I gotta stop now...
'cause of a rule at fucking Starbucks.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna keep saying fucking faggot.
That's just the way
it works out, all right?
I don't even mean it like that.
I got a cousin who's gay.
Swam here from Cuba.
Ninety-miles-to-suck-dick commitment.
You understand me?
This guy was out there.
He lives in Glendale, California.
Three nights a week, he's out there
sucking dick with three hands.
Ladies, you should be
ashamed of yourselves. All of yous.
[laughter and applause]
You think he's at home
watching fucking TV? Fuck no.
He's out there
with his little cape on right now...
molesting somebody. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
When I say it like that,
I don't even mean it like that, all right?
I'm an old...
It doesn't even sound that way.
The word fag, to me,
doesn't even mean gay.
You ever been driving and you see a guy
on the corner when an ambulance goes by
and he's holding his ears.
[laughter]
- That's a faggot, all right? Right there.
- [cheers and applause]
That's a faggot. So...
I don't mean to offend nobody.
I'm just dropping it like it's hot.
This is fucking crazy.
You gotta be careful what you say now too.
You gotta be really careful what you say.
Fucking social media sucks dick.
[laughter]
Gotta be careful on fucking social media.
Twitter asks you what? What's happening?
I can live with that. That's okay.
Facebook, those dirty motherfuckers,
they ask you what's on your mind.
That's a different fucking question, okay?
[laughter]
Nobody ever tells you
what's really on their fucking mind
unless they don't want
no fucking friends, okay?
If you don't want friends, like Roseanne,
tell people what's on your mind
on fucking Facebook.
You won't have no fucking friends.
You can't tell people
what's on your mind no more.
They get offended. Like...
Like, you even go up to somebody
and they're staring off into the abyss?
And you want to go,
"A penny for your thoughts?"
[laughter]
They're like, "I guess I was thinking
about,
you know, the starving children in...
the Maharishi. Whatever the fuck it is.
Really they're thinking about a threesome
they fucking had in college. But you can't let people know
what you think no more.
You really can't. I don't give a fuck.
Like I said, I'm almost out of it. Listen.
I got a GED.
I got left back in the seventh grade.
I'm a felon.
Listen, fuck my guidance counselor.
Fuck my prison psychiatrist.
Fuck my ex-wife.
They can suck my dick.
They were all wrong. You follow me?
So I don't give a fuck at this point.
At this point,
I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks.
If I do time now, it's ten years.
What am I? Fifty-five.
I'm not going fucking live to...
Maybe 64, you know what I'm saying?
Maybe. Maybe.
What's a man's longevity? Seventy-four.
I did coke. I got chlamydia a few times.
[laughter]
I didn't get chlamydia. That's bullshit.
I'm lying to you motherfuckers.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[audience member] Whoo!
I'm just trying to be a fucking dad.
That's it.
And I got my own problems, man.
I'm an only child. You know what it's like
being an only child?
I live in my fucking head half the time.
I hear Chinese people yelling.
I hear... bands.
I hear people getting stabbed.
I live with it. You understand me?
Who gives a shit?
But now I'm trying to be a fucking parent,
and that's tough enough.
That's tough enough. I gotta...
I'm just trying to be a good dad.
I'm getting a second chance of being
a fucking dad. You know what I'm saying?
I'm trying to protect her.
I'm trying to put everything into her
that my mom put into me.
I was raised in the '70s, Jack,
where you kept
your fucking mouth shut, okay?
These kids today talk
about fucking everything.
They'll tell you what, "I got ADD,"
and they'll tell you within the first
three minutes of the conversation.
And it fucking defines them.
"I suffer from depression."
Who the fuck told you these things?
Who tells you these fucking things?
I don't even put that shit
in my daughter's head.
I got her fucking tough.
I don't give a fuck.
Wash your hands. I don't give a fuck.
You know? I fucking stay on the...
You know, now in California,
your kid gets bullied,
you gotta produce a documentary.
I don't do that shit, okay?
My kid gets bullied,
I take her to the park
the same way my mother took me
to the park. I was scared too.
"Mom, please don't take me to the park.
They hate Spanish kids." I don't give a...
My mom didn't give a fuck, Jack.
She took me to that fucking park.
"Who hit you?"
And I'd be like, "He's not here."
"Pick a motherfucker."
[laughter]
"Pick a motherfucker. You're fucking
fighting today, cocksucker."
That's the way it was, man.
In my house, there was three monkeys.
Mira, oye, y calla.
[laughter]
That means don't say a fucking word.
Shut the fuck up.
But these kids today?
And so I'm trying to... Listen.
She's only five.
I'm trying to put together an Amazon here.
That's all I'm trying to do.
I'm trying to Harvey-proof her. I got her
in the backyard throwing fucking knives.
I got a little Chinese woman that comes
over and karate kicks her once a week...
for 40 fucking bucks.
I ain't got time to fuck around.
You know, I go to fucking daycare
a couple weeks ago.
They got her in a red chair
with some buddy, her little buddy Leo.
I ask the teacher, "What happened?"
She goes, "Well, Leo pushed your daughter
and she picked him up
and body slammed him."
- Okay. What's the fucking problem?
- [cheering and applause]
What's the fucking problem?
"Well, at this school here
we don't want children to...
We want them to communicate."
I go,
"Listen. My daughter ain't no rat bitch
like like Leah Remini."
You know what I'm saying?
Fuck that shit.
You wanna rat on fucking Scientology,
do it on your own, bitch.
I'm not raising no rat bitch.
She knew there
was fucking Martians over there.
Leah Remini fucking knew
there was fucking Martians there.
Now you wanna rat them out.
Fuck you, man.
I ain't playing that shit.
Some of yous wanna laugh at that.
Some of yous is scared of Scientology.
[laughter and applause]
I don't blame you.
You know I'm saying?
[cheering and applause]
Bottom line is
I'm trying to be a good fucking parent.
That's the bottom fucking line.
Weird shit's going on.
And I'm not used to it.
You know, I'm an immigrant.
When I came to this country,
it was a different fucking country.
You know, a couple months ago,
Terry Crews was at a party.
He's a guy who did Brooklyn Nine-Nine
and The Longest Yard.
He was at a party, a Hollywood party,
and some guy grabbed his dick.
[laughter]
He had a fucking heart attack.
"Some guy grabbed my dick.
I'm gonna press charges tomorrow
on fucking TMZ."
Really?
Some guy grabs your dick,
you're uncomfortable,
you call them over.
"Can I talk to you for a second?
Don't just grab my dick in public.
You want to do it,
give me an excuse.
Talk to me. Take me to the bathroom.
[laughter and applause]
Tell me that you're going
through a fucking rough patch.
Tell me that there's shit going on
in your life."
And that's why I'm not happy with society
today no more,
'cause we're all a bunch
of fucking hypocrite cocksuckers.
We really are.
Everybody's looking to save the whales.
Save the endangered raccoon.
What about saving fucking humans?
- Did you ever think of that?
- [cheers and applause]
Saving us.
Listen. I'm not the best guy in the world.
But I see a gay guy...
and he's having a ho-hum day...
[laughter]
[laughter]
I call him over. "Come here."
[laughter]
"Just grab it outside the pants."
[laughter]
That's called making somebody's day.
He grabs it. He puts a smile on his face.
And he skips down the street.
[laughter and applause]
Tip-top fucking Magoo,
you know what I'm saying?
[loud cheering and applause]
It's just that's...
That's called making somebody's day.
That's what a real fucking Christian does.
- [laughter]
- You know?
- And, ladies, I'm talking about you too.
- [laughter]
'Cause you're the most
uptight motherfuckers in the world.
You work with a guy,
he's going through a rough patch...
suck his dick.
What you doing with your life...
that's so fucking important?
You're gonna go get donuts
and go home to your ugly fucking pug.
Suck his dick.
You complain about being single.
Suck a dick for the universe.
See what happens.
See what happens. Go ahead.
I dare you. Suck a dick for the universe.
See what happens. Everything will change
in six weeks. Everything. It's a game-changer.
No more fucking swiping.
No more fucking nothing.
Tonight on your way home, you see a guy
walking down the street, ladies,
just tackle that motherfucker,
take his dick out and suck it
and just run away.
Watch what happens.
Six weeks from now, you'll be engaged.
Do you understand me?
You'll be hitting me up on Twitter.
"Joey, you're a fucking genius.
How did you know? I'm sick
of being single, and I sucked a dick.
I took your advice and my life changed."
[laughter]
Nobody fucking believes me.
Let me tell you something, guys.
I can prove it to you, motherfuckers.
When I was 16, my mom died. November 8th.
So Thanksgiving was kind of weird.
I was in shock though. I had some acid.
When you've acid, you're good.
I was always an acid guy,
not a mushroom guy.
Mushrooms, they give me diarrhea.
I don't like fucking mushrooms.
There's nothing like fucking tripping
while you have diarrhea
and you're looking at
the toilet paper thinking,
"How many fucking trees did they cut down
for me to wipe my ass?"
So I'm an acid guy. You understand me?
[laughter]
So the holidays came
and that's when you're really fucking sad.
Once Christmas comes
and you've lost a loved one,
you're like, "Fuck, this hurts."
So Christmas Eve, it was rough.
Two days after Christmas,
it was the worst.
It was the fucking worst...
because it was just like a big hole.
So I jumped the fucking cemetery fence
with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a joint
and I sat there and drank Jack and blew
the pot smoke at my mother's grave.
Why? I have no fucking idea.
That's how bad I felt.
And after about two hours,
I couldn't take it no more,
so I said, "Fuck it.
I'm going to go to this house party."
And I went to this house and I walked in.
Oh, shit. Who's there but this hot girl
Gina I knew from the neighborhood.
I knew Gina all my fucking life.
Hotter than that.
And I tell you what I liked
about Gina the most.
I used to have an above-the-ground pool
and she would come over from time to time.
And I'd put the goggles on.
And I could tell she had a huge bush.
It was the '70s. Nobody fucking shaved.
It was huge. She wouldn't shave it.
And the sides, the hair
came out the sides under the pool.
Like little tentacles from a jellyfish.
It was sexy as fuck, Jack.
And she had a little line of hair
from her belly button
all the way down to the bikini top.
She was bangin'. You understand?
And at that time, I hadn't had no sex yet.
I had sucked some titties
behind the church
and fingered some people.
You know,
it was a Catholic youth organization.
That's all you can do in those days,
is fingering.
So I was getting ready to fucking give her
a stabbing on my jean.
I pulled her aside like a man.
I didn't play no tricks with her
or nothing.
I pulled her aside like a man.
I go, "Gina, I'm having a rough patch.
Would you mind coming home?"
She's like,
"What's wrong with you?
I'm a virgin, number one,
and number two, you're drunk.
Get the fuck out of here. Go home."
And I felt horrible.
She was right. She goes,
"Get the fuck home."
I went home. I was staying
with this family, the Benders.
And I went to their house,
and they were out playing cards.
And I went in there.
There was nobody home.
And I said, "Fuck it.
I'm gonna get a knife
and fucking kill myself."
But I wasn't gonna kill myself there.
Never kill yourself at somebody's house.
Don't leave your maloik at their house.
If you're gonna kill yourself,
go somewhere like a normal person
and jump off a bridge,
take some poison, or something like that.
Don't kill yourself at somebody's house.
My friend killed himself
at my other brother's house.
Now they got white mice
the last four fucking years.
Don't kill yourself at somebody's house.
So I was gonna take the knife
and go kill myself
in front of my mother's house.
That was the plan.
But as I was leaving, the phone rang.
It was Gina.
And she goes, "Coco, I'm coming over."
She came over,
and as fucking shallow as this sounds,
she gave me a little nookie cookie.
[laughter]
And that's the reason why I'm here today.
You understand me?
'Cause she gave me
a little fucking nookie cookie.
[cheers and applause]
So...
I never told her this,
but about three years ago,
a bunch of us went to dinner
from... from high school in that area.
I told everybody the story at the table.
"I want to tell you guys something.
I was gonna kill myself one night,
but Gina throw me a little piece
and I fucking lived."
And Gina's like, "You know, what's crazy?"
She goes, "I didn't even like him
that much." And shit like that.
[laughter]
But you know what?
Let me tell you something, cocksuckers.
Gina is now a millionaire,
and she's a PGA golf pro.
Do you know why?
Because she fucked me
when she was 15 years old,
and God remembered.
Thank you, guys. I love you very much.
[loud cheering and applause]
♪ Back in the thirties
When the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ And the woods in Alabama
Didn't see no light ♪
♪ My daddy played poker
By a hardwood fire ♪
♪ Squeezing all his luck
From a hot copper wire ♪
♪ Scrap like a wildcat fights
Till the end ♪
♪ Trap a wildcat and take his skin ♪
♪ Deal from the bottom
Put the ace in the hole ♪
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Joey Diaz!
[cheering and applause]
What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?
Thank you for coming out.
You know, it's crazy
we're shooting this in Vegas
'cause there's, like, a fucking...
The is where the degenerates
were fucking invented.
- You know what I'm saying?
- [laughter]
Here's where the degenerates
were fucking invented. I'm a degenerate,
you know, but I've always been,
like, one with fucking morals.
You know what I'm saying?
You gotta have a little morals.
For example, Cinco de Mayo
I went down to Arizona,
but whenever I go down
to Arizona and perform,
the guy I fucking kidnapped in '87
lives in Tucson.
[laughter]
So whenever I go down there, I call him up
to rekindle a relationship, right?
Now I kidnapped this guy in '87.
I was all fucked up and I kidnapped him.
Then in '88,
I got convicted of second-degree burglary.
I did two years, and when I came out,
I was walking around Boulder one day
and I bumped into the guy I kidnapped,
right, in '87.
And he goes, "Come with me to this bar."
I'm like, "Wow."
And then he was selling coke.
I go, "Hey, sell me a gram of blow."
So he sold me a gram of blow.
While he's waiting,
he's like, "I can't believe you fucking
robbed me." I go, "Listen.
It was a bad day, all right.
It was a bad day for everybody."
He's like, "You put me
in the trunk of a car!
What type of friend does that?"
I go, "Listen. I don't fucking know.
There was no law and order.
I didn't know it was fucking kidnapping.
I didn't know."
I thought kidnapping is
when you call somebody,
"I got your nephew. Give me $50."
[laughter]
I don't know kidnapping's when you take
somebody from one room to another room
against their fucking will.
I didn't know that.
I mean, I had a machine gun.
He had no choice. You follow me?
I'm sorry. I got cash today.
That's all that matters, all right?
[laughter]
I got cash today. Who gives a fuck...
about the past? You follow me?
So I apologize to him like a fucking man,
and then I got into comedy.
I didn't see him for a few years.
Then Facebook came out.
I hit him up on Facebook,
and he's like,
"I don't want to be your friend."
He declined me right off the bat.
I did this for a few years,
and then on the 25th anniversary,
I go, "Come on, man. What the fuck?
You're not going to friend me now?"
Come on. Come around.
You sold a gram of coke from me
and the whole thing,
but then I got him.
I got him on the 25th anniversary.
I sold him
on the whole Christianity thing.
"Come on, dog. You're a fucking Christian.
What the fuck? Forgive me."
And he forgave me,
and he called into the podcast.
We become friends after that.
And that's cool.
I can live with all that shit.
But... whenever I go to Arizona,
we always talk the week before
I get down there to do comedy.
He always tells me
how he's gonna show up.
"I'm gonna show up. I'm gonna show up."
Then as I'm leaving, I go,
"That motherfucker didn't show up again."
But out of all the times, I never really
give a fuck. I got a lot on my mind.
This time I gave a fuck.
Saturday I went back to the room.
I put my feet up. I smoke a half a number.
I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, "Fuck,
this guy didn't show up again today."
I'm like, "That's fucked up
he didn't show.
What the fuck is wrong with people?"
And my feelings got hurt
for a couple minutes.
Then I sat there and I'm like,
"Wait a second.
I kidnapped this guy.
[laughter]
Why the fuck would he show?"
You know what I'm saying?
If you kidnapped me,
I'd never fucking show.
And here's the funny thing.
I'm charged with second-degree burglary.
You know why?
Because he invited me over for lunch.
Wait a second.
Who robs somebody
when they invite them over for lunch?
Me, a fucking degenerate.
That's who fucking robs you.
[audience] Whoo!
So... you know.
But there's something...
I've done a lot of degenerate things,
but there's a of things
I won't do it, like...
I lit a bum on fire one time in Hollywood.
Not 'cause I wanted to.
I was smoking a joint.
I threw the flame out the window.
And he was downstairs
with a Kmart sweater on
with like a fucking blanket.
It lit up on flames.
And I'm good. I went down
and brought him another blanket.
You know I'm tight with that.
I heard him down there
yelling and screaming,
so I brought him down the other blanket.
But that's the type of guy I am. Like...
And listen, now I'm trying
to fucking apologize.
I got in the whole new life.
I got a five-year-old daughter.
Can you believe that shit?
I got a fucking five year old.
That means... that means I knocked
my wife up at 49.
You know what I'm saying?
That's fucking strong. You follow me?
These guys on TV that I can't get
a fucking hard-on at fucking 40.
They have erectile dysfunction.
Look at me
impregnating motherfuckers at 49.
I was with my wife for 13 years.
Nothing happened.
And then I said,
"Fuck, I'm taking this old school."
Protein powder and squats.
You start...
You start doing protein powder and squats,
the animal comes back like when...
Remember when you were 14?
You had big dick at 14, remember?
Tell these women
how good your dick was at 14.
They were too busy cheerleading
and selling Girl Scout cookies and shit.
When we were 14, that's
the best dick you ever fucking had.
Why do you think all these teachers
suck 14-year-old dicks and shit?
'Cause that's
real fucking cock right there.
Guys, remember when you were 14?
That dick wouldn't die.
You wouldn't even come.
You go home like a fucking savage
and shit. People would ask you,
"What are you doing this weekend?"
"I'm staying in."
You'd fuck everything in that room,
remember?
At the end, you'd just fuck
the pillow to death and shit.
Your mother would come on Monday
and there'd be
blood and feathers everywhere.
A couple weeks ago,
I went home with my daughter,
and I was watching...
We got home from pre-K.
I pick her up on fucking Mondays
to whatever the fuck.
And I brought her home and ESPN is on.
And Glory Kickboxing was on.
Now she's five.
She goes to karate.
I go, "Mercy, come here. Watch this shit."
Look at what karate is.
This is what karate fucking really is.
And she's like, "I don't understand."
And all of a sudden, it's kickboxing.
They're squaring off
and they're punching each other.
And finally the one woman did something
I never seen or thought of fucking doing.
She held off and kicked the other one
right in the fucking pussy, right?
- Just... bam!
- [laughter]
And I'm sitting there like, "Holy shit!"
My daughter even...
My daughter's looking at me.
I'm looking at her.
I don't know what to fucking tell her.
Finally, the ref goes,
"Everyone all right?"
Yeah. What do you think she does again?
She hauls off and kicks her again...
in the fucking pussy.
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"
Now, my daughter's looking at her foot,
like fucking doing it with her foot.
Like, "I could do this."
I had never seen that before.
I never even thought
of something like that being done.
I asked my wife. I go, "Does that hurt?"
She goes, "Yeah, but women
can't put a fucking cup on."
My point fucking being... okay,
that even as a creepy motherfucker
I would never think of doing
something like that, you understand me?
I mean, listen. I'm 55, but I'm
92 in cocaine years. You understand me?
I mean, I'm fucked up.
I don't do drugs no more.
I just smoke pot now. That's all I need.
And I smoke weed
'cause I'm fucking broken, okay?
I don't smoke weed
'cause I want to be Mr. 420
or whatever. No.
I smoke week 'cause I'm fucking broken.
When I wake up in the morning,
I look in the mirror.
I'm fat. I'm ugly. They're gonna hate me.
Okay. Okay.
A little fucking coffee,
a few bong hits for Jesus,
- a piece of nicotine gum. Oh, shit.
- [cheers and applause]
You're in the shower.
Somebody is going to suck my dick today.
Nobody sucks your dick, you know.
But at least it gets you out of the house.
You follow me?
That's like Anthony Robbins type shit.
It gets you out of the house.
How fucking crazy is it
that we live in a country now,
2018, we can't take our dick out anymore?
One guy fucks it up for fucking everybody.
We can't take
our fucking dick out no more.
You know how much fucking fun that was?
Listen, I'm 55... I haven't taken
my dick out in 23 fucking years.
The point I'm making is what the fuck
kind of country do we live in
that we can't even take your dick...
I grew up in Jersey.
Things got a little boring.
You went to a party.
You took your dick out. No big deal.
Somebody starts dancing,
you know what I'm saying?
Now, if somebody took a tit out,
that's a fucking party now.
But I had a good time
with my dick growing up.
You have a good time!
You ever go into Dunkin Donuts?
Just put your dick on the glass, right?
Just...
Order a few donuts.
Let me get a little cinnamon raisin.
Let me get a glazed donut.
Then the last one,
you get a chocolate éclair.
She has to look underneath,
you know what I'm saying?
She pops her head underneath,
sees that little dick on burglar mode
through the glass.
Aah!
That's not sexual harassment.
That's entertainment.
Big fucking difference.
[laughter]
See what I'm saying?
The cops can't do nothing.
I remember being at White Castle one time,
where fucking entertainment lives.
White Castle is the shit.
Especially after, like, 1:30.
That's when you see
people get stabbed and shot.
Nobody gives a fuck.
They just put a chalk outline,
and you step right over it.
Nobody gives a fuck.White Castle's
the best. You ever go to one?
I used to go to a White Castle
that the lady had, like, missing fingers,
and she only had,
like, a little pinky and this one.
And she put the french fries
or the cheeseburgers in the box this way.
And we walk in,
"Chopsticks, what's happening?"
She go, "What's happening?"
Fucking hilarious.
Hilarious.
But one time I'm at White Castle
across from Hudson County Park,
and there's a guy on line, waiting with
his hand shaped funny, like this on line.
And we're 18, me and my buddies.
I think Roger.
"Pally, come here for a second.
You see that guy's hand? I'll give you $5
if you put your dick in there."
He's like, "Give me
the five up front and I'll do it."
I go, "Fuck it. Here's the fin."
He walked right up behind the guy.
He creeped up behind him.
The guy was sitting there
minding his own business.
Just this dick behind the guy's hand.
There was a cop working the detail.
He saw the whole thing go down.
He couldn't fucking stop laughing.
Do you understand?
He was laughing his fucking ass off.
The guy's like,
"Aah! What are you doing to me?"
"It's nothing, nothing. Relax.
I'm just here having a good time.
Don't worry about nothing."
He bought the guy
ten burgers as we were leaving. No problems at all.
Nobody got their feelings hurt.
You understand me? No big deal.
As we were leaving, the guy
was sitting there with his dicky hand,
eating a White Castle burger
with a milkshake,
happy as a pig in shit.
You understand me?
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[cheering and applause]
You know...
Mentality.
Even my mentality's lost sometimes.
I don't understand this shit.
'Cause I can never be a sexual harasser
for a certain reason.
I can't cover the spread.
I'm not good in bed.
Like, I'm not good in bed,
you understand me?
I come to a minute,
a minute and a half,
and that's if I breathe
out of my nose and look straight ahead.
I got to, like, just...
- [breathing heavily]
- [laughter]
And I gotta fuck with earplugs on.
If you make one noise,
I just blow the fuck up.
Bam!
That's why I could never be
a fucking sexual harasser.
I can't cover the spread, it's that
simple. You know what I'm saying?
And don't look at me weird like that.
I just can't, you know?
I've done creepy things, but not
like that. We've all done creepy things.
And the ones
you don't want to do,
like I don't believe in anal sex.
I never liked that shit.
Fucking somebody in the ass.
Disgusting.
And you always want to do it, like,
"I can't wait to fuck someone in the ass,"
until you do it
and you get grossed the fuck out.
'Cause when you take your dick out,
the ass stays the same way, right?
It's like, what the fuck is this?
A telescope?
I don't even need to put a nickel
in there. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
That's a new joke. Fuck it. We'll keep it.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a Las Vegas joke.
[all cheering]
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I work with a young guy.
I hang out with this young guy.
And the other day he was telling me that
he dated his girlfriend for four years...
and he never came in her mouth.
I overheard this.
[laughter]
I'm like, "What?"
He goes, "Yes, she didn't like it
in her mouth."
I'm like, "What? Are you fucking crazy?
When they tell you
not to come in their mouth,
that's the first thing you fucking do."
I don't like come.
Okay, I won't come in your mouth.
Blam, there you go.
The fucking eyeballs hanging out.
I told you I don't like come in my mouth.
Hey.
What are you gonna do?
I'm no Harvey Weinstein,
but I'm no half a fag either,
You know.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
I'm no half a fag, either, all right?
[applause]
I'm sorry I said the word fag.
You can't say it.
I'm an old man, all right?
You can't change the rules in between.
For 40 years, everybody was saying faggot.
Now I gotta stop now...
'cause of a rule at fucking Starbucks.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna keep saying fucking faggot.
That's just the way
it works out, all right?
I don't even mean it like that.
I got a cousin who's gay.
Swam here from Cuba.
Ninety-miles-to-suck-dick commitment.
You understand me?
This guy was out there.
He lives in Glendale, California.
Three nights a week, he's out there
sucking dick with three hands.
Ladies, you should be
ashamed of yourselves. All of yous.
[laughter and applause]
You think he's at home
watching fucking TV? Fuck no.
He's out there
with his little cape on right now...
molesting somebody. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
When I say it like that,
I don't even mean it like that, all right?
I'm an old...
It doesn't even sound that way.
The word fag, to me,
doesn't even mean gay.
You ever been driving and you see a guy
on the corner when an ambulance goes by
and he's holding his ears.
[laughter]
- That's a faggot, all right? Right there.
- [cheers and applause]
That's a faggot. So...
I don't mean to offend nobody.
I'm just dropping it like it's hot.
This is fucking crazy.
You gotta be careful what you say now too.
You gotta be really careful what you say.
Fucking social media sucks dick.
[laughter]
Gotta be careful on fucking social media.
Twitter asks you what? What's happening?
I can live with that. That's okay.
Facebook, those dirty motherfuckers,
they ask you what's on your mind.
That's a different fucking question, okay?
[laughter]
Nobody ever tells you
what's really on their fucking mind
unless they don't want
no fucking friends, okay?
If you don't want friends, like Roseanne,
tell people what's on your mind
on fucking Facebook.
You won't have no fucking friends.
You can't tell people
what's on your mind no more.
They get offended. Like...
Like, you even go up to somebody
and they're staring off into the abyss?
And you want to go,
"A penny for your thoughts?"
[laughter]
They're like, "I guess I was thinking
about,
you know, the starving children in...
the Maharishi. Whatever the fuck it is.
Really they're thinking about a threesome
they fucking had in college. But you can't let people know
what you think no more.
You really can't. I don't give a fuck.
Like I said, I'm almost out of it. Listen.
I got a GED.
I got left back in the seventh grade.
I'm a felon.
Listen, fuck my guidance counselor.
Fuck my prison psychiatrist.
Fuck my ex-wife.
They can suck my dick.
They were all wrong. You follow me?
So I don't give a fuck at this point.
At this point,
I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks.
If I do time now, it's ten years.
What am I? Fifty-five.
I'm not going fucking live to...
Maybe 64, you know what I'm saying?
Maybe. Maybe.
What's a man's longevity? Seventy-four.
I did coke. I got chlamydia a few times.
[laughter]
I didn't get chlamydia. That's bullshit.
I'm lying to you motherfuckers.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[audience member] Whoo!
I'm just trying to be a fucking dad.
That's it.
And I got my own problems, man.
I'm an only child. You know what it's like
being an only child?
I live in my fucking head half the time.
I hear Chinese people yelling.
I hear... bands.
I hear people getting stabbed.
I live with it. You understand me?
Who gives a shit?
But now I'm trying to be a fucking parent,
and that's tough enough.
That's tough enough. I gotta...
I'm just trying to be a good dad.
I'm getting a second chance of being
a fucking dad. You know what I'm saying?
I'm trying to protect her.
I'm trying to put everything into her
that my mom put into me.
I was raised in the '70s, Jack,
where you kept
your fucking mouth shut, okay?
These kids today talk
about fucking everything.
They'll tell you what, "I got ADD,"
and they'll tell you within the first
three minutes of the conversation.
And it fucking defines them.
"I suffer from depression."
Who the fuck told you these things?
Who tells you these fucking things?
I don't even put that shit
in my daughter's head.
I got her fucking tough.
I don't give a fuck.
Wash your hands. I don't give a fuck.
You know? I fucking stay on the...
You know, now in California,
your kid gets bullied,
you gotta produce a documentary.
I don't do that shit, okay?
My kid gets bullied,
I take her to the park
the same way my mother took me
to the park. I was scared too.
"Mom, please don't take me to the park.
They hate Spanish kids." I don't give a...
My mom didn't give a fuck, Jack.
She took me to that fucking park.
"Who hit you?"
And I'd be like, "He's not here."
"Pick a motherfucker."
[laughter]
"Pick a motherfucker. You're fucking
fighting today, cocksucker."
That's the way it was, man.
In my house, there was three monkeys.
Mira, oye, y calla.
[laughter]
That means don't say a fucking word.
Shut the fuck up.
But these kids today?
And so I'm trying to... Listen.
She's only five.
I'm trying to put together an Amazon here.
That's all I'm trying to do.
I'm trying to Harvey-proof her. I got her
in the backyard throwing fucking knives.
I got a little Chinese woman that comes
over and karate kicks her once a week...
for 40 fucking bucks.
I ain't got time to fuck around.
You know, I go to fucking daycare
a couple weeks ago.
They got her in a red chair
with some buddy, her little buddy Leo.
I ask the teacher, "What happened?"
She goes, "Well, Leo pushed your daughter
and she picked him up
and body slammed him."
- Okay. What's the fucking problem?
- [cheering and applause]
What's the fucking problem?
"Well, at this school here
we don't want children to...
We want them to communicate."
I go,
"Listen. My daughter ain't no rat bitch
like like Leah Remini."
You know what I'm saying?
Fuck that shit.
You wanna rat on fucking Scientology,
do it on your own, bitch.
I'm not raising no rat bitch.
She knew there
was fucking Martians over there.
Leah Remini fucking knew
there was fucking Martians there.
Now you wanna rat them out.
Fuck you, man.
I ain't playing that shit.
Some of yous wanna laugh at that.
Some of yous is scared of Scientology.
[laughter and applause]
I don't blame you.
You know I'm saying?
[cheering and applause]
Bottom line is
I'm trying to be a good fucking parent.
That's the bottom fucking line.
Weird shit's going on.
And I'm not used to it.
You know, I'm an immigrant.
When I came to this country,
it was a different fucking country.
You know, a couple months ago,
Terry Crews was at a party.
He's a guy who did Brooklyn Nine-Nine
and The Longest Yard.
He was at a party, a Hollywood party,
and some guy grabbed his dick.
[laughter]
He had a fucking heart attack.
"Some guy grabbed my dick.
I'm gonna press charges tomorrow
on fucking TMZ."
Really?
Some guy grabs your dick,
you're uncomfortable,
you call them over.
"Can I talk to you for a second?
Don't just grab my dick in public.
You want to do it,
give me an excuse.
Talk to me. Take me to the bathroom.
[laughter and applause]
Tell me that you're going
through a fucking rough patch.
Tell me that there's shit going on
in your life."
And that's why I'm not happy with society
today no more,
'cause we're all a bunch
of fucking hypocrite cocksuckers.
We really are.
Everybody's looking to save the whales.
Save the endangered raccoon.
What about saving fucking humans?
- Did you ever think of that?
- [cheers and applause]
Saving us.
Listen. I'm not the best guy in the world.
But I see a gay guy...
and he's having a ho-hum day...
[laughter]
[laughter]
I call him over. "Come here."
[laughter]
"Just grab it outside the pants."
[laughter]
That's called making somebody's day.
He grabs it. He puts a smile on his face.
And he skips down the street.
[laughter and applause]
Tip-top fucking Magoo,
you know what I'm saying?
[loud cheering and applause]
It's just that's...
That's called making somebody's day.
That's what a real fucking Christian does.
- [laughter]
- You know?
- And, ladies, I'm talking about you too.
- [laughter]
'Cause you're the most
uptight motherfuckers in the world.
You work with a guy,
he's going through a rough patch...
suck his dick.
What you doing with your life...
that's so fucking important?
You're gonna go get donuts
and go home to your ugly fucking pug.
Suck his dick.
You complain about being single.
Suck a dick for the universe.
See what happens.
See what happens. Go ahead.
I dare you. Suck a dick for the universe.
See what happens. Everything will change
in six weeks. Everything. It's a game-changer.
No more fucking swiping.
No more fucking nothing.
Tonight on your way home, you see a guy
walking down the street, ladies,
just tackle that motherfucker,
take his dick out and suck it
and just run away.
Watch what happens.
Six weeks from now, you'll be engaged.
Do you understand me?
You'll be hitting me up on Twitter.
"Joey, you're a fucking genius.
How did you know? I'm sick
of being single, and I sucked a dick.
I took your advice and my life changed."
[laughter]
Nobody fucking believes me.
Let me tell you something, guys.
I can prove it to you, motherfuckers.
When I was 16, my mom died. November 8th.
So Thanksgiving was kind of weird.
I was in shock though. I had some acid.
When you've acid, you're good.
I was always an acid guy,
not a mushroom guy.
Mushrooms, they give me diarrhea.
I don't like fucking mushrooms.
There's nothing like fucking tripping
while you have diarrhea
and you're looking at
the toilet paper thinking,
"How many fucking trees did they cut down
for me to wipe my ass?"
So I'm an acid guy. You understand me?
[laughter]
So the holidays came
and that's when you're really fucking sad.
Once Christmas comes
and you've lost a loved one,
you're like, "Fuck, this hurts."
So Christmas Eve, it was rough.
Two days after Christmas,
it was the worst.
It was the fucking worst...
because it was just like a big hole.
So I jumped the fucking cemetery fence
with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a joint
and I sat there and drank Jack and blew
the pot smoke at my mother's grave.
Why? I have no fucking idea.
That's how bad I felt.
And after about two hours,
I couldn't take it no more,
so I said, "Fuck it.
I'm going to go to this house party."
And I went to this house and I walked in.
Oh, shit. Who's there but this hot girl
Gina I knew from the neighborhood.
I knew Gina all my fucking life.
Hotter than that.
And I tell you what I liked
about Gina the most.
I used to have an above-the-ground pool
and she would come over from time to time.
And I'd put the goggles on.
And I could tell she had a huge bush.
It was the '70s. Nobody fucking shaved.
It was huge. She wouldn't shave it.
And the sides, the hair
came out the sides under the pool.
Like little tentacles from a jellyfish.
It was sexy as fuck, Jack.
And she had a little line of hair
from her belly button
all the way down to the bikini top.
She was bangin'. You understand?
And at that time, I hadn't had no sex yet.
I had sucked some titties
behind the church
and fingered some people.
You know,
it was a Catholic youth organization.
That's all you can do in those days,
is fingering.
So I was getting ready to fucking give her
a stabbing on my jean.
I pulled her aside like a man.
I didn't play no tricks with her
or nothing.
I pulled her aside like a man.
I go, "Gina, I'm having a rough patch.
Would you mind coming home?"
She's like,
"What's wrong with you?
I'm a virgin, number one,
and number two, you're drunk.
Get the fuck out of here. Go home."
And I felt horrible.
She was right. She goes,
"Get the fuck home."
I went home. I was staying
with this family, the Benders.
And I went to their house,
and they were out playing cards.
And I went in there.
There was nobody home.
And I said, "Fuck it.
I'm gonna get a knife
and fucking kill myself."
But I wasn't gonna kill myself there.
Never kill yourself at somebody's house.
Don't leave your maloik at their house.
If you're gonna kill yourself,
go somewhere like a normal person
and jump off a bridge,
take some poison, or something like that.
Don't kill yourself at somebody's house.
My friend killed himself
at my other brother's house.
Now they got white mice
the last four fucking years.
Don't kill yourself at somebody's house.
So I was gonna take the knife
and go kill myself
in front of my mother's house.
That was the plan.
But as I was leaving, the phone rang.
It was Gina.
And she goes, "Coco, I'm coming over."
She came over,
and as fucking shallow as this sounds,
she gave me a little nookie cookie.
[laughter]
And that's the reason why I'm here today.
You understand me?
'Cause she gave me
a little fucking nookie cookie.
[cheers and applause]
So...
I never told her this,
but about three years ago,
a bunch of us went to dinner
from... from high school in that area.
I told everybody the story at the table.
"I want to tell you guys something.
I was gonna kill myself one night,
but Gina throw me a little piece
and I fucking lived."
And Gina's like, "You know, what's crazy?"
She goes, "I didn't even like him
that much." And shit like that.
[laughter]
But you know what?
Let me tell you something, cocksuckers.
Gina is now a millionaire,
and she's a PGA golf pro.
Do you know why?
Because she fucked me
when she was 15 years old,
and God remembered.
Thank you, guys. I love you very much.
[loud cheering and applause]
♪ Back in the thirties
When the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ And the woods in Alabama
Didn't see no light ♪
♪ My daddy played poker
By a hardwood fire ♪
♪ Squeezing all his luck
From a hot copper wire ♪
♪ Scrap like a wildcat fights
Till the end ♪
♪ Trap a wildcat and take his skin ♪
♪ Deal from the bottom
Put the ace in the hole ♪