The Degenerates (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Christina P - full transcript
Ladies and gentlemen, Christina P!
["Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive
Wow, Vegas!
What a crowd. Hi, guys.
Uh...
So, as you can see,
I'm a huge fan of Ali Wong.
This is my second child
and people are like,
"Are you excited to have a baby?"
- I'm like, "Fuck, no."
I know what's gonna happen!
I'm a mom, I clean up spills all day.
I was like,
"Just shoot that mess inside of me."
Two, three, four.
Come on, you fuckers are slow.
Oh, late show,
you been drinking all day, huh?
All right, we'll do it. Anyway...
I'm, uh, I'm 41 years old.
I'm a grown-ass woman.
Thank you for your applause.
- Yeah!
Thank you. I like it.
I like being an adult.
The only thing I don't like
is being called ma'am.
I would rather be called sir.
And the other day I was in 7-Eleven
buying my Hot Cheetos.
And the guy behind the counter goes,
"Thank you, madam."
Oh. Oh. Oh, shit.
"Madam"? Damn, I might get a bottle of
Moscato to go with my Hot Cheetos tonight.
Whoo! Madam!
Madam. Like, I should be using
a cigarette holder.
Running a brothel for Lucky Luciano.
My God. What the fuck?
Here, open this and hold it for me.
- Thank you.
No, all the way so I can...
What are you, fucking new to showbiz?
Yeah, open it up, put it there.
This fucking amateur.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, I'm an adult. I, uh...
No.
The best part about being 41...
Okay, when I was in my twenties,
you know, I used to walk down the street
and always, some guy, out of the blue,
would be like,
"Smile!
Smile."
Like, what are you
supposed to say to that
Oh, thank you, you inspirational
Tony Robbins, you.
You know what you deserve?
A blow job. Get over here!
Ha-ha! All better, thanks!
At 41, nobody tells you to smile.
They're like,
"That bitch has earned that scowl.
She must have kids."
At my age, I've made peace with my body.
That's a huge thing.
Peace.
Yes.
I mean, now I look like
fucking Winston Churchill, but...
I got these 16-pound kettlebells
I'm trying to keep up.
Oh, I got tits like Aretha Franklin
right now.
Whoo!
Aren't those mammaries delicious?
Looks like there's frosting
inside of them.
Like she could write happy birthday
on a cake. Just...
Don't forget the flour.
'Cause In my twenties, I was all
self-conscious, you know,
like I'd go to the gym and then
afterwards, in the locker room,
I'd be like, "Oh, don't look at me.
Don't look.
No, I'm shy."
Now...
I dare a bitch to look.
You know what I'm saying?
It's your lunch.
You wanna puke, be my guest.
That's right. That's right!
I'm confident. Arrogant.
I'm like an old Russian guy in a sauna.
Ever see those guys?
Buck naked, sitting down.
Ten gold chains.
Having a full conversation with somebody.
Just...
Tetris, Tetris, goalkeeper.
See, I had an epiphany, sir.
I realized...
that most of us have...
disgusting bodies.
That's right. Yeah.
Next time you go to the beach,
look around.
Maybe not LA or Miami.
But everywhere else, most people
look like you and me, sir. Just kind of...
You know what I'm saying?
You just gotta surrender.
You gotta say, "Fuck it.
Shop at Old Navy."
'Cause you're never too fat for Old Navy.
Yeah, I try. You know what I'm saying?
I go to the gym twice a year.
I get on that treadmill.
- And I just fart. I don't care.
I'm wearing earbuds. Nobody can hear it.
Best part about being my age?
Uh, no producers wanna give me back rubs.
What? Ha-ha! Ow!
Whoo!
All right, let's talk about it.
What the fuck is happening?
Wow. Like, you heard the story
about Harvey Weinstein.
But then you saw the picture of that guy.
I don't think anybody was like, "What?
The bridge troll is a pervert?"
I mean, man, that guy
really looks the part.
That is just perfect casting, right?
Beady little eyes.
Blotchy pink skin.
All hunched over like...
"You wanna be in my movie?
You gotta loofah my back.
Loofah!"
Meanwhile, I'm like, "What? That's all
I have to do? Give me that shit.
You want me to be in your movie?
Hashtag Me Too. Let's go."
"Don't forget the back."
Unh-unh. Uh-oh.
Millennials don't like that joke.
"You know, you know,
I was a women's studies major and..."
Patriarchy, yeah, I know.
All I'm saying is,
Harvey Weinstein, predictable.
Boring. Bill Cosby.
Shocker!
Who the fuck saw that coming?
America's dad.
With the sweaters and the "Hey, hey, hey!"
What, 60 women have accused him
of sexual misconduct,
he gets convicted
of drugging and molesting a woman?
And I gotta tell you,
as a comedian...
it just makes me wanna shake my head.
Oh!
"Wow, Rudy, with the Theo and the drugging
and the raping. Whoop!"
Harvey Weinstein, predictable.
Cosby, shocker.
Now, see, that's what separates...
the good rapists...
from the truly great.
Your run-of-the-mill to your first ballot
hall-of-famer piece of shits.
The element of surprise.
Dustin Hoffman? Get the fuck outta here.
Kevin Spacey?
Put the lotion in the basket.
Creep salad all day!
Matt Lauer?
Yeah, that was a fun one, huh?
'Cause I'm like, "Really?
My dick is bigger than Matt Lauer's."
Ryan Seacrest.
Yeah. Let's be honest,
I think we were all waiting for
Seacrest out, if you know what I'm saying.
But the one that broke my heart, really,
the one that just gets me...
is Louis C.K.
Goddamn it! Yeah! Fuck! Why, Louis, why?
Okay, now, for the one of you
who don't know the story.
So, Louis C.K., the comedian, uh,
would ask women
if he could masturbate in front of them.
Wouldn't always wait for an answer.
And then he'd just go for it.
Which is 100 percent wrong.
But...
...he did ask permission.
And in my world, that's a gentleman.
Because I've seen guys do that,
at Starbucks...
in traffic...
in my shower. Nobody ever fucking asks!
What a crazy thing to do!
Isn't that just bananas? First of all,
like, no woman on the planet...
...would ever do that.
Right
I mean, maybe it's just better
when guys do that. It looks better
'cause they've got the right parts.
It's so visceral, you know.
Like, "You fucking look. Look!"
And you're like, "What? No.
I can't stop but I'm gonna.
I don't want to but I'm gonna look."
But when a woman does it...
"Oh, what's she doing?
Bub-bub-bub-bub,
bub-bub-bub-bub...
Are you DJ"
Ow! Mina-mina-mina meow,
minna-mina-mina meow.
How empowering for her.
She's so liberated. It's not the same thing.
It's so crazy. And then there were
these two girls...
who sat and watched him finish.
These two poor girls, I know!
Could you imagine... sitting on the couch,
huddled in each other's laps, shaking?
Like fucking Shaggy and Scooby-Doo.
"Zoinks! I think old man Louis
is gonna blow!"
"I would've gotten away with it if it
weren't for you pesky girls talking."
I don't know.
I don't know. Fuck it,
I'd still work with the guy.
What? I would. He's super-talented.
I'd do a TV show with him.
Except I'd make him have his own chair.
I'd be like, "Nobody touch that,
that's Louis'."
I wouldn't have to write his name on it.
I'd just make sure it was black
so all the cum stains show up.
I don't even know, why do we give a shit
about these show business creeps
when we got a creep supreme
in the White House, man?
Holy shit, our president
is accused of doing this stuff.
Fifteen women...
Fifteen women have accused him of
sexual assault or sexual harassment.
His first wife accused him
of spousal rape.
Double zoinks!
Goddamn. It just goes to show, man,
that money can't buy class, right?
That's right,
that motherfucker's a hillbilly.
All he talks about is blowing stuff up
and banging his hot daughter.
Yeah.
You know, I heard that Trump
tried to write his name on his dick.
But he can only fit the TR.
Guys, that's a really strong dick joke.
All right, I have, just for you,
Las Vegas, a special treat.
All right, you fuckers.
I'm gonna do...
Here it goes.
Whoo!
All right. Here it goes, Vegas.
Would you rather...
Yes!
- Okay.
You're excited.
I like your participation.
Would you rather make sweet love...
to Harvey Weinstein?
And I mean face
Yeah!
Or Donald Trump?
Aw!
Okay, okay, okay, let's vote.
So, clap for the Weinsteins.
Who's with Weinstein?
Okay.
Now, who's doing Trump?
Okay.
Wow. Now, see, some of you didn't vote.
And that's how we got here
in the first place, you motherfuckers!
Goddamn it!
All right. I'll tell you who I pick.
- Weinstein.
Not for political reasons, just 'cause
I don't want to hear Trump doing...
Could you imagine, all the time, just...
"I'm gonna build a wall of cum
on your tits."
Oh, God.
Unbearable, right?
Ugh.
I mean, look, I'll be real with you.
Here's the thing. I'm a feminist.
I'm behind the Me Too movement
and the Time's Up.
But we need to have deeper conversations,
man. This stuff isn't black and white.
It's different shades of gray jizz.
Anyway, the problem is we're scaring
all the guys, not just the bad ones.
So here's what I propose.
We're gonna take it back. We're gonna do
mob justice, old school.
We're gonna fucking make public shaming
fun again.
Oh, good, you're with me.
Yeah. All right.
So, we're going to rent out, you know,
like an arena once a year,
and we're gonna round up
all the pedophiles and the rapists,
and we're gonna cut their dicks off.
- And their balls.
Whoo!
Yeah! And then we're gonna find
these big barrels, right,
and we're gonna
throw the dicks and balls...
in the barrels,
and then everybody's gonna line up,
and we're gonna take off our shoes
and our socks.
And then we're gonna get inside.
And everyone's just gonna Lucy and Ethel
the shit out of them.
Right?
You can leave your shoes on
but it's not as fun.
Really feel the pops,
you know what I mean?
So once we get all the juice
out of the dicks and the balls...
and all that's left is, like, gray,
you know, hot dog casings...
...we take those...
and then we staple them
back to the faces...
of all the rapists and pedophiles.
Like that guy from
Pirates of the Caribbean.
That Davy Jones guy.
And then we take the leftover juice...
and we add oil to it. And that's how patchouli is made.
See, Whole Foods won't tell you that shit,
I will.
You're welcome.
I'm so tired.
Can I have some of that?
Thanks, Mommy.
Water champ. Always, fuckers.
All right.
You know what I always think about?
Who the fuck is married to a Weinstein
or a Cosby?
Who are the wives of these people?
Right? Like, you gotta be
a straight gold digger.
Like, "Well...
They say he's a serial rapist but...
...I like my handbags.
Who doesn't have their faults?"
There are women that are married
to serial killers and don't know it.
You ever seen that TV show?
Married to a serial killer
and you don't know it?
You dumb bitch.
"Sweetie, that chloroform
you ordered from Amazon showed up.
I put that duct tape and rope
in your trunk like you asked."
Somebody was even married
to Charles Manson.
Charles Manson had a wife.
I mean, I guess she probably
felt really listened to
what with that relentless eye contact.
My thing is,
how do you not know
what your husband is doing?
How do you not know
what your husband is doing?
Let me tell you something, Vegas.
I am the FBI, KGB, CIA
of wives.
'Cause I ask all the questions.
Where are you going
Who are you with
Give me your phone. What's the password?
Oh, yeah, like I don't know it.
See, 'cause I believe...
This is my theory.
I believe that guys like it...
when we're just a little bit crazy.
Not cutting up cats in a basement
cray cray.
But just a little "Huh?
What?
Come at me, bro.
Come at me. I love you. I love you.
Love you so much,
I'll cut you, I'll cut you, I'll cut you!
Huh Huh?"
Yeah, gotta keep them on their toes.
Send some mixed messages.
Keep it fresh.
Right? 'Cause when you find love,
you gotta hold on to that and you gotta...
pull as hard as you can.
It's rough being single.
I hear that people don't even go out
on dinner dates anymore. No.
Instead, they go out for coffee.
Coffee.
Oh, great. So, now my breath stinks
and halfway through the date
I have to take a shit.
Trying to focus on what this guy
is saying, I'm shaking and sweating.
"You're seeing a therapist?
How releasing for you,
that must be very...
...very releasing."
Or hiking.
Fuck that.
Hiking on a first date?
Oh, good. Now my makeup's melting off
and I'm totally covered in sweat.
Let me tell you something.
No woman is gonna let you touch her meow
if it smells like the fourth season
of Deadliest Catch.
Yeah. Here's what works:
dinner, drinks, the dark. That's it.
- That's all you get.
Hiking
I get it. You know, you don't want
to feel obligated to put out.
This guy bought you dinner,
but you'll go somewhere with him
where nobody can hear you scream?
That makes fucking sense.
Who gives a shit?
We're all gonna die anyway.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, fuck it.
We're all gonna die.
We shouldn't be here anyways.
It's absurd that we're all here.
Seriously, when you think about it,
I mean, out of the millions of sperm
in your dad's spunk bunkers...
and the handful of eggs
in your whore mother's body...
that came together
and all of you were made.
And you're all special and unique
and you're going to live hopefully for,
what, 80 or so years,
doing shit that you think is important.
And then you're going to fucking die.
And it's gonna happen to all of us.
And it's the great, big,
existential elephant in the room,
and nobody talks about it, ever.
Nobody talks about it.
All I'm trying to say is, the older I get,
the less tolerance I have for bullshit,
and in my world,
there are two types of people.
There are people who know we live
in The Matrix.
And then there are people...
who stand in line...
for Black Friday sales.
Oh, my God!
I would rather get kidnapped
by the Taliban.
Or worse, I would live in Iowa.
Have you been to Iowa? Oh, it's horrible.
It's nothing but cornfields
and women who look like Sam Kinison.
I'll let you know
what Iowa has given us, right?
The band Slipknot.
- Oh, you're huge Slipknot fans!
For those of you who don't know,
let me sing their smash hit song. Ready?
♪ Fuck your mother
Kill your father! ♪
That's what happens when you leave
white people alone in cornfields.
I'm trying to leave on a positive note.
All I'm saying is, life is short, fuckers.
Live it up.
Do what you wanna do, man.
Put a brick in it. Live life
the way you wanna live it.
That's why I say,
"Watch porn at work."
Yeah!
Oh!
Shave off your eyebrows
and color them back in with a Sharpie.
Feed steroids to rats and sell them
to dumb rich girls as Chihuahuas.
Find an airtight jar and fart in it.
Send it across the world
to your friend in another country.
I swear to God, they'll open it...
...and smell your fart.
I may or may not have tried that
in the '90s.
Next time you're bored in a work meeting,
strip completely naked.
Find a banana. Peel it.
Shove it right up your ass.
Have Aretha Franklin
frost your next birthday cake.
Take a naked sauna with a Russian guy.
Threaten your spouse with love.
You make Louis C.K. watch you
jerk off, Vegas.
Yeah! Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you, Vegas. Bye-bye.
["Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive
♪ Back in the thirties
when the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ The woods in Alabama
didn't see no light ♪
♪ My daddy played poker
by a hardwood fire ♪ ♪ Squeezin' al his luck
from a hot copper wire ♪
♪ Scrapped like a wildcat
fights till the end ♪
♪ Trap a wildcat and take his skin ♪
["Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive
Wow, Vegas!
What a crowd. Hi, guys.
Uh...
So, as you can see,
I'm a huge fan of Ali Wong.
This is my second child
and people are like,
"Are you excited to have a baby?"
- I'm like, "Fuck, no."
I know what's gonna happen!
I'm a mom, I clean up spills all day.
I was like,
"Just shoot that mess inside of me."
Two, three, four.
Come on, you fuckers are slow.
Oh, late show,
you been drinking all day, huh?
All right, we'll do it. Anyway...
I'm, uh, I'm 41 years old.
I'm a grown-ass woman.
Thank you for your applause.
- Yeah!
Thank you. I like it.
I like being an adult.
The only thing I don't like
is being called ma'am.
I would rather be called sir.
And the other day I was in 7-Eleven
buying my Hot Cheetos.
And the guy behind the counter goes,
"Thank you, madam."
Oh. Oh. Oh, shit.
"Madam"? Damn, I might get a bottle of
Moscato to go with my Hot Cheetos tonight.
Whoo! Madam!
Madam. Like, I should be using
a cigarette holder.
Running a brothel for Lucky Luciano.
My God. What the fuck?
Here, open this and hold it for me.
- Thank you.
No, all the way so I can...
What are you, fucking new to showbiz?
Yeah, open it up, put it there.
This fucking amateur.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, I'm an adult. I, uh...
No.
The best part about being 41...
Okay, when I was in my twenties,
you know, I used to walk down the street
and always, some guy, out of the blue,
would be like,
"Smile!
Smile."
Like, what are you
supposed to say to that
Oh, thank you, you inspirational
Tony Robbins, you.
You know what you deserve?
A blow job. Get over here!
Ha-ha! All better, thanks!
At 41, nobody tells you to smile.
They're like,
"That bitch has earned that scowl.
She must have kids."
At my age, I've made peace with my body.
That's a huge thing.
Peace.
Yes.
I mean, now I look like
fucking Winston Churchill, but...
I got these 16-pound kettlebells
I'm trying to keep up.
Oh, I got tits like Aretha Franklin
right now.
Whoo!
Aren't those mammaries delicious?
Looks like there's frosting
inside of them.
Like she could write happy birthday
on a cake. Just...
Don't forget the flour.
'Cause In my twenties, I was all
self-conscious, you know,
like I'd go to the gym and then
afterwards, in the locker room,
I'd be like, "Oh, don't look at me.
Don't look.
No, I'm shy."
Now...
I dare a bitch to look.
You know what I'm saying?
It's your lunch.
You wanna puke, be my guest.
That's right. That's right!
I'm confident. Arrogant.
I'm like an old Russian guy in a sauna.
Ever see those guys?
Buck naked, sitting down.
Ten gold chains.
Having a full conversation with somebody.
Just...
Tetris, Tetris, goalkeeper.
See, I had an epiphany, sir.
I realized...
that most of us have...
disgusting bodies.
That's right. Yeah.
Next time you go to the beach,
look around.
Maybe not LA or Miami.
But everywhere else, most people
look like you and me, sir. Just kind of...
You know what I'm saying?
You just gotta surrender.
You gotta say, "Fuck it.
Shop at Old Navy."
'Cause you're never too fat for Old Navy.
Yeah, I try. You know what I'm saying?
I go to the gym twice a year.
I get on that treadmill.
- And I just fart. I don't care.
I'm wearing earbuds. Nobody can hear it.
Best part about being my age?
Uh, no producers wanna give me back rubs.
What? Ha-ha! Ow!
Whoo!
All right, let's talk about it.
What the fuck is happening?
Wow. Like, you heard the story
about Harvey Weinstein.
But then you saw the picture of that guy.
I don't think anybody was like, "What?
The bridge troll is a pervert?"
I mean, man, that guy
really looks the part.
That is just perfect casting, right?
Beady little eyes.
Blotchy pink skin.
All hunched over like...
"You wanna be in my movie?
You gotta loofah my back.
Loofah!"
Meanwhile, I'm like, "What? That's all
I have to do? Give me that shit.
You want me to be in your movie?
Hashtag Me Too. Let's go."
"Don't forget the back."
Unh-unh. Uh-oh.
Millennials don't like that joke.
"You know, you know,
I was a women's studies major and..."
Patriarchy, yeah, I know.
All I'm saying is,
Harvey Weinstein, predictable.
Boring. Bill Cosby.
Shocker!
Who the fuck saw that coming?
America's dad.
With the sweaters and the "Hey, hey, hey!"
What, 60 women have accused him
of sexual misconduct,
he gets convicted
of drugging and molesting a woman?
And I gotta tell you,
as a comedian...
it just makes me wanna shake my head.
Oh!
"Wow, Rudy, with the Theo and the drugging
and the raping. Whoop!"
Harvey Weinstein, predictable.
Cosby, shocker.
Now, see, that's what separates...
the good rapists...
from the truly great.
Your run-of-the-mill to your first ballot
hall-of-famer piece of shits.
The element of surprise.
Dustin Hoffman? Get the fuck outta here.
Kevin Spacey?
Put the lotion in the basket.
Creep salad all day!
Matt Lauer?
Yeah, that was a fun one, huh?
'Cause I'm like, "Really?
My dick is bigger than Matt Lauer's."
Ryan Seacrest.
Yeah. Let's be honest,
I think we were all waiting for
Seacrest out, if you know what I'm saying.
But the one that broke my heart, really,
the one that just gets me...
is Louis C.K.
Goddamn it! Yeah! Fuck! Why, Louis, why?
Okay, now, for the one of you
who don't know the story.
So, Louis C.K., the comedian, uh,
would ask women
if he could masturbate in front of them.
Wouldn't always wait for an answer.
And then he'd just go for it.
Which is 100 percent wrong.
But...
...he did ask permission.
And in my world, that's a gentleman.
Because I've seen guys do that,
at Starbucks...
in traffic...
in my shower. Nobody ever fucking asks!
What a crazy thing to do!
Isn't that just bananas? First of all,
like, no woman on the planet...
...would ever do that.
Right
I mean, maybe it's just better
when guys do that. It looks better
'cause they've got the right parts.
It's so visceral, you know.
Like, "You fucking look. Look!"
And you're like, "What? No.
I can't stop but I'm gonna.
I don't want to but I'm gonna look."
But when a woman does it...
"Oh, what's she doing?
Bub-bub-bub-bub,
bub-bub-bub-bub...
Are you DJ"
Ow! Mina-mina-mina meow,
minna-mina-mina meow.
How empowering for her.
She's so liberated. It's not the same thing.
It's so crazy. And then there were
these two girls...
who sat and watched him finish.
These two poor girls, I know!
Could you imagine... sitting on the couch,
huddled in each other's laps, shaking?
Like fucking Shaggy and Scooby-Doo.
"Zoinks! I think old man Louis
is gonna blow!"
"I would've gotten away with it if it
weren't for you pesky girls talking."
I don't know.
I don't know. Fuck it,
I'd still work with the guy.
What? I would. He's super-talented.
I'd do a TV show with him.
Except I'd make him have his own chair.
I'd be like, "Nobody touch that,
that's Louis'."
I wouldn't have to write his name on it.
I'd just make sure it was black
so all the cum stains show up.
I don't even know, why do we give a shit
about these show business creeps
when we got a creep supreme
in the White House, man?
Holy shit, our president
is accused of doing this stuff.
Fifteen women...
Fifteen women have accused him of
sexual assault or sexual harassment.
His first wife accused him
of spousal rape.
Double zoinks!
Goddamn. It just goes to show, man,
that money can't buy class, right?
That's right,
that motherfucker's a hillbilly.
All he talks about is blowing stuff up
and banging his hot daughter.
Yeah.
You know, I heard that Trump
tried to write his name on his dick.
But he can only fit the TR.
Guys, that's a really strong dick joke.
All right, I have, just for you,
Las Vegas, a special treat.
All right, you fuckers.
I'm gonna do...
Here it goes.
Whoo!
All right. Here it goes, Vegas.
Would you rather...
Yes!
- Okay.
You're excited.
I like your participation.
Would you rather make sweet love...
to Harvey Weinstein?
And I mean face
Yeah!
Or Donald Trump?
Aw!
Okay, okay, okay, let's vote.
So, clap for the Weinsteins.
Who's with Weinstein?
Okay.
Now, who's doing Trump?
Okay.
Wow. Now, see, some of you didn't vote.
And that's how we got here
in the first place, you motherfuckers!
Goddamn it!
All right. I'll tell you who I pick.
- Weinstein.
Not for political reasons, just 'cause
I don't want to hear Trump doing...
Could you imagine, all the time, just...
"I'm gonna build a wall of cum
on your tits."
Oh, God.
Unbearable, right?
Ugh.
I mean, look, I'll be real with you.
Here's the thing. I'm a feminist.
I'm behind the Me Too movement
and the Time's Up.
But we need to have deeper conversations,
man. This stuff isn't black and white.
It's different shades of gray jizz.
Anyway, the problem is we're scaring
all the guys, not just the bad ones.
So here's what I propose.
We're gonna take it back. We're gonna do
mob justice, old school.
We're gonna fucking make public shaming
fun again.
Oh, good, you're with me.
Yeah. All right.
So, we're going to rent out, you know,
like an arena once a year,
and we're gonna round up
all the pedophiles and the rapists,
and we're gonna cut their dicks off.
- And their balls.
Whoo!
Yeah! And then we're gonna find
these big barrels, right,
and we're gonna
throw the dicks and balls...
in the barrels,
and then everybody's gonna line up,
and we're gonna take off our shoes
and our socks.
And then we're gonna get inside.
And everyone's just gonna Lucy and Ethel
the shit out of them.
Right?
You can leave your shoes on
but it's not as fun.
Really feel the pops,
you know what I mean?
So once we get all the juice
out of the dicks and the balls...
and all that's left is, like, gray,
you know, hot dog casings...
...we take those...
and then we staple them
back to the faces...
of all the rapists and pedophiles.
Like that guy from
Pirates of the Caribbean.
That Davy Jones guy.
And then we take the leftover juice...
and we add oil to it. And that's how patchouli is made.
See, Whole Foods won't tell you that shit,
I will.
You're welcome.
I'm so tired.
Can I have some of that?
Thanks, Mommy.
Water champ. Always, fuckers.
All right.
You know what I always think about?
Who the fuck is married to a Weinstein
or a Cosby?
Who are the wives of these people?
Right? Like, you gotta be
a straight gold digger.
Like, "Well...
They say he's a serial rapist but...
...I like my handbags.
Who doesn't have their faults?"
There are women that are married
to serial killers and don't know it.
You ever seen that TV show?
Married to a serial killer
and you don't know it?
You dumb bitch.
"Sweetie, that chloroform
you ordered from Amazon showed up.
I put that duct tape and rope
in your trunk like you asked."
Somebody was even married
to Charles Manson.
Charles Manson had a wife.
I mean, I guess she probably
felt really listened to
what with that relentless eye contact.
My thing is,
how do you not know
what your husband is doing?
How do you not know
what your husband is doing?
Let me tell you something, Vegas.
I am the FBI, KGB, CIA
of wives.
'Cause I ask all the questions.
Where are you going
Who are you with
Give me your phone. What's the password?
Oh, yeah, like I don't know it.
See, 'cause I believe...
This is my theory.
I believe that guys like it...
when we're just a little bit crazy.
Not cutting up cats in a basement
cray cray.
But just a little "Huh?
What?
Come at me, bro.
Come at me. I love you. I love you.
Love you so much,
I'll cut you, I'll cut you, I'll cut you!
Huh Huh?"
Yeah, gotta keep them on their toes.
Send some mixed messages.
Keep it fresh.
Right? 'Cause when you find love,
you gotta hold on to that and you gotta...
pull as hard as you can.
It's rough being single.
I hear that people don't even go out
on dinner dates anymore. No.
Instead, they go out for coffee.
Coffee.
Oh, great. So, now my breath stinks
and halfway through the date
I have to take a shit.
Trying to focus on what this guy
is saying, I'm shaking and sweating.
"You're seeing a therapist?
How releasing for you,
that must be very...
...very releasing."
Or hiking.
Fuck that.
Hiking on a first date?
Oh, good. Now my makeup's melting off
and I'm totally covered in sweat.
Let me tell you something.
No woman is gonna let you touch her meow
if it smells like the fourth season
of Deadliest Catch.
Yeah. Here's what works:
dinner, drinks, the dark. That's it.
- That's all you get.
Hiking
I get it. You know, you don't want
to feel obligated to put out.
This guy bought you dinner,
but you'll go somewhere with him
where nobody can hear you scream?
That makes fucking sense.
Who gives a shit?
We're all gonna die anyway.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, fuck it.
We're all gonna die.
We shouldn't be here anyways.
It's absurd that we're all here.
Seriously, when you think about it,
I mean, out of the millions of sperm
in your dad's spunk bunkers...
and the handful of eggs
in your whore mother's body...
that came together
and all of you were made.
And you're all special and unique
and you're going to live hopefully for,
what, 80 or so years,
doing shit that you think is important.
And then you're going to fucking die.
And it's gonna happen to all of us.
And it's the great, big,
existential elephant in the room,
and nobody talks about it, ever.
Nobody talks about it.
All I'm trying to say is, the older I get,
the less tolerance I have for bullshit,
and in my world,
there are two types of people.
There are people who know we live
in The Matrix.
And then there are people...
who stand in line...
for Black Friday sales.
Oh, my God!
I would rather get kidnapped
by the Taliban.
Or worse, I would live in Iowa.
Have you been to Iowa? Oh, it's horrible.
It's nothing but cornfields
and women who look like Sam Kinison.
I'll let you know
what Iowa has given us, right?
The band Slipknot.
- Oh, you're huge Slipknot fans!
For those of you who don't know,
let me sing their smash hit song. Ready?
♪ Fuck your mother
Kill your father! ♪
That's what happens when you leave
white people alone in cornfields.
I'm trying to leave on a positive note.
All I'm saying is, life is short, fuckers.
Live it up.
Do what you wanna do, man.
Put a brick in it. Live life
the way you wanna live it.
That's why I say,
"Watch porn at work."
Yeah!
Oh!
Shave off your eyebrows
and color them back in with a Sharpie.
Feed steroids to rats and sell them
to dumb rich girls as Chihuahuas.
Find an airtight jar and fart in it.
Send it across the world
to your friend in another country.
I swear to God, they'll open it...
...and smell your fart.
I may or may not have tried that
in the '90s.
Next time you're bored in a work meeting,
strip completely naked.
Find a banana. Peel it.
Shove it right up your ass.
Have Aretha Franklin
frost your next birthday cake.
Take a naked sauna with a Russian guy.
Threaten your spouse with love.
You make Louis C.K. watch you
jerk off, Vegas.
Yeah! Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you, Vegas. Bye-bye.
["Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive
♪ Back in the thirties
when the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ The woods in Alabama
didn't see no light ♪
♪ My daddy played poker
by a hardwood fire ♪ ♪ Squeezin' al his luck
from a hot copper wire ♪
♪ Scrapped like a wildcat
fights till the end ♪
♪ Trap a wildcat and take his skin ♪