The Degenerates (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Liza Treyger - full transcript
[rhythmic applause]
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Liza Treyger!
[loud cheering and applause]
["Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive-by Truckers plays]
Hello!
Everyone feeling good?
[audience cheers]
So happy to be here in Vegas.
Um, I do want to start off.
I have to brag a little bit.
Um, but I saved my friend's life recently,
so not everyone's a hero.
I am. It's so fucking exciting.
Um, she was at my house.
She choked on a curly fry,
and at first,
I didn't even really believe her.
It's, like, too fun of a food.
I was like, "Nuh-uh,"
but she was dying, and so...
Jumped up, gave her the Heimlich, um,
and then the fry came out and she lived,
and then I got to watch
one of the best things
I've ever seen in my life, which was her have an internal struggle
as to when it was appropriate
to start eating the french fries again.
[laughter]
A real blessing. It was good.
Tears in her eyes,
looking at all the dipping sauces, so sad.
So sad. And if you're wondering where
I learned to give the Heimlich,
legit, just Mrs. Doubtfire.
You can all do it. It's not hard.
[laughter]
Um, you're also seeing me
in an amazing spot in my life.
I got dumped in the fall
and it truly ruined my life.
I was depressed for six months.
I was living
like the Willy Wonka grandparents,
- except no friends in the bed. Uh...
- [laughter]
That was the vibe.
I was Grandpa Joe, but then,
instead of family members,
it was just candy wrappers
and vibrators having a meeting.
[laughter]
It was sad. A lot of crafting
and masturbating,
which sounds like fun,
but it's a lot of glitter in your bush.
- It's a lot. A lot of maintenance.
- [laughter]
When you look at all the collages,
you know it's worth it, but...
it's a lot.
And I'm normally not a bush gal, like I...
[laughs]
...I like a fresh wax.
I feel powerful, better than people.
I feel like no one can intimidate me.
I love it. Like...
"Oh, you went to Harvard?
- Okay, well my pussy is so smooth, so...
- [laughter]
I don't read.
[chuckles]
[laughter]
Don't read.
[sighs]
You might own a business,
but I could do lunges at a pool,
- so we all have our shit.
- [laughter]
We all have our fun skills, um..."
Wait, do you guys know
about the Hitachi Magic Wand?
[audience members] Whoo!
All right, couple gals,
you don't know about it,
you touched his leg really hard.
Okay, um...
[laughter]
So, it's a vibrator,
but it's a "personal massager",
and this company, Hitachi, doesn't want it
to be a vibrator because they sell, like,
TVs and microwaves and stuff like that,
so their marketing department
was having issues,
and they just keep saying that it's
to "relieve tension and muscle aches",
but I'm telling you, it's a vibrator.
I'm sure you've seen it.
It's like this big, it's white,
there's blue buttons on it,
and there's, like, a little nub,
and then a rubber tip on top, and...
it's really, really heavy.
I have a lot of fantasies, when I use it,
that someone's gonna break into the house
- and I'm gonna crush their skull with it.
- [laughter]
But, um...
Oh, yeah, so when you buy one,
the instruction manual is just rules
not to masturbate with it.
One of the rules is legit,
"Do not put it on a wet body part."
That's a direct attack.
You know, no one's...
- [laughter]
- ...confused what that means, Hitachi.
The other rules are "Don't use it
when you're drunk,"
"Don't use it when you're tired,"
um, "Don't use it under a blanket,"
- "Don't sit on it." So...
- [laughter]
The message is clear. And I'm, like,
reading this and I'm getting mad,
and I'm like, "Fuck you, Hitachi, fuck
you, Japan. I'm out of the country now."
I'm just like, "How dare you? Women are
gonna do whatever we want with our bodies,
you don't care about us."
And then I put it on my back.
Hundred percent a back massager.
A hundred percent.
[laughter]
It's a hundred percent for your back.
Um, they're just protecting us.
That's why it's a foot long
and two pounds. [chuckles]
To get knots out of your back.
That's why it doesn't fit
during doggy, but... [laughs]
Whatever. Have fun with it. Um...
Also, during my depression, I got addicted
to porn and Survivor.
I don't know what I'm more embarrassed
about, but, um... Survivor fans?
- [a few in the audience] Whoo!
- Cool. Porn fans?
[almost all cheer]
Ugh! I always wondered, like,
what's Survivor? No one cares.
Um, porn fans, of all the people that
whooed, how many of you pay for your porn?
[silence]
- Okay. [laughs]
- [laughter]
So...
I'm new to porn, so I didn't realize
nobody paid for it,
so I pay for it and...
I pay for my porn, and I think it's weird
we don't pay for our porn.
I don't understand that,
it doesn't make sense to me.
I don't get how, as a society, we're like,
"Yeah, we'll pay for Wrestlemania;
UFC fights, pay for it; NFL RedZone, sure;
Netflix, got it. Spotify, got it."
And then a girl's taking three dicks
at once and we're like,
"I don't think she's working hard enough.
Yeah...
[laughter]
Could she step it up?"
You're monsters. You don't think she needs
to buy furniture for her house?
Like, give her money! I just don't get it!
They're basically slutty athletes.
Like, if you go to sporting event games,
you should...
If you buy jerseys,
you gotta support them.
They're physically fit, they're just
slutty athletes. I'm telling you.
They do more more than any pro baseball
player ever has in their fucking life.
Ever!
[applause]
Outfield? Who cares?
- Um... who cares? Doesn't matter.
- [laughter]
Golf? Like, I can't believe
golfers are millionaires. It's insane.
A hole-in-one? One in every hole.
Like, truly.
Truly. We gotta support these gals. Um... Support them. They work hard.
I follow them all on Instagram,
I know their days, um...
[laughs]
They're working hard.
But I'm not just a pervert.
I'm just, like, a hardcore fan.
I get very obsessed with things.
It's like, when the White Sox went
to the World Series,
I got black acrylic nails
that said White Sox on them
with diamonds in the pinkies.
I just go hard for the things I love.
I don't know if you've noticed,
I have a Red Hot Chili Pepper tattoo
here on my leg.
I don't know if you can see it.
It looks like I covered up a swastika...
[laughter]
which I'd prefer. [chuckles]
I think I'd prefer to be an ex-Nazi
than to think Anthony Kiedis
was the voice of my generation, um...
[laughter]
He's still hot, but truly, not even
my worst tattoo, if you can believe it,
I have worse tattoos,
more embarrassing, um...
I got a tattoo when I was 16.
I don't know if anyone here has done that,
but it's illegal,
so you just go to a man's apartment. -Um...
- [laughter]
So, it's me, Julia, and Barbara,
and we all left high school and we all got
matching upper puss tattoos.
Now... [chuckles] Yeah.
You might be wondering,
"Oh, are you still best friends?"
Truly never talked to them again.
I don't know...
anything about them,
but we're bonded forever.
I don't know, at the time, it seemed like
the only safe place I could get a tattoo
that my parents wouldn't see,
'cause if your parents see
your pussy tattoo,
clearly, there are bigger problems
in the home, so...
[laughter]
Kinda smart for a teen. [chuckles]
Yeah, I was a renegade teen,
'cause I had old, foreign parents,
so I got to do whatever I wanted.
I would print out permission slip forms
and white out the date and the money
and then have amazing 4/20s every year,
and just, like, I don't know. It was wild.
My parents are, yeah, so old,
so foreign. They were born
in 1938 and 1945
in the former Soviet Union,
so you can imagine just, like,
such a chill childhood. JK. Stalin.
So, yeah. They just didn't know anything.
And the things they taught me
aren't, like, helpful for my life.
Everything is, like,
a Russian Jew superstition
to, like, help us from communism.
Like, nothing is helpful in my life.
Every lesson was
"Don't put your purse on the floor,"
"Don't put your keys on the table,"
"Don't whistle inside,"
"Don't open an umbrella inside,"
"Show your pocket to a crescent moon."
- Duh. Um...
- [laughter]
"Don't hug anyone in a doorway,"
"If you leave the house
and you forget something, make sure
you look in the mirror
before you leave again," "Don't step over
anyone's legs, they'll never grow."
- Um...
- [laughter]
What's my fav...
Oh, my favorite is "Don't wake anyone up,
'cause once you steal someone's sleep,
it's something they can never get back."
And my roommates are like, "We wish
they taught you how to wash a dish."
- Yeah, that...
- [laughter]
would've been a lot more helpful.
"Can you pick up your open-faced underwear
off the floor?"
I'm like, "I would love to, but I'm busy
closing umbrellas, so...
maybe later. [chuckles]
Maybe later."
Oh, are there families here tonight?
No, see?
That's my favorite,
cause I'm pretty dirty,
so I love when families come, and then,
like, a mom will laugh, and then the whole family learns
she's a slut together.
I mean...
[chuckles]...it's my favorite.
Um... Oh, this joke is just for the girls,
so I'm sorry to leave you guys out,
but I'm just curious
if women relate to this.
Are there any women here today, like,
do you relate to this?
Have you ever been sitting somewhere,
and thought to yourself,
"Did I just get my period,
or did I just get super wet at Panera?"
- Um...
- [laughter]
Not as many as I'd like,
but it's all right.
It's a weird moment where you think
you need a tampon, and then you realize
a broccoli cheddar bread bowl just,
like, really does it for you.
- You're like, "Oh!
- [laughter]
I got a new type."
Um...
Also, this last relationship
was my first girlfriend.
Always dated boys, met this girl,
so hot, we fell in love,
but I don't want you to think
I'm a loser. I've done Molly.
I've put my mouth on everything,
like, I'm a cool girl.
- Uh...
- [laughter]
But, yeah. First girlfriend,
and so I was a little sexually intimidated
and I did-- I went to Barnes and Noble
and I bought a pussy-eating book.
Um, I did. There's, like, a papaya
on the cover, but are there... [chuckles]
...are there any men, straight men here
that own a pussy-eating book?
[silence]
[a few laughs]
So, silence... it's just...
It's weird that it was my instinct,
but, like, none of yours.
You know what I mean?
Like, never once, were you like,
"Oh, I like her.
I'll, you know, skim a book at a library."
But, um, no judgment.
Judgment. But, yeah, no judgment.
It's chill.
Just, yeah. Get the book. Um...
Yeah, what was annoying when we broke up,
though, what bothered me a lot, is,
like, usually when someone gets dumped,
you're like, "How are you feeling?
What happened?
Are you gonna still text or talk?"
Instead, everyone just kept asking,
"Who you gonna fuck next? Guy or girl?
Do you still like dick? Are you gay?
Who you gonna fuck? Dick or no dick?"
- [laughter]
- Like, every person.
And it's so rude.
I'm just, like, "I'm just trying to find,
like, love, joy, and happiness
in my heart again.
Like, you're such a monster. But also,
I'm gonna go fuck some couples. Duh."
I mean, what... [chuckles]
What do you do after a breakup?
You find some weird married people
and you fuck them.
So, that... Yeah, that's what I did.
I actually had a foursome with people
I met in the front row of a show.
- No pressure. But, um...
- [laughter]
Facts are facts.
Also what everyone always says
when you get dumped,
everyone's just like, "Are you on the
apps? Are you gonna be on the apps?"
I'm not interested in the apps.
That's not what I want to do.
They're dangerous and weird. The only time
I'm on the apps is on vacation.
Um, when you're like,
desperate and fun, so...
'Cause they're dangerous. It's weird.
So the last time I went on Tinder,
it was, like, a year and a half ago,
I was in London.
I always want to fuck in London.
I love the accents.
Everyone's so hot, like,
I just love an accent where you could tell
there's gonna be foreskin.
You know, so polite.
[laughter]
So kind, um...
So I was there,
I met this guy who was perfect,
we had a lot in common, so I was
in an Uber to his house pretty quickly,
and then it hits you, you can die,
and that sucks, because... then you have to kind of figure out
how much you think your life is worth.
'Cause you don't want to get murdered
by a man in his apartment,
but he's a light-skinned black dude
with light eyes,
and once you see a unicorn,
- you gotta try to fuck it. You know?
- [laughter]
I'm not patient enough to wait till I get
to heaven. I'm going, so...
What I did, and this is really good advice
to everyone, what I did was
I took screenshots of his face,
I sent that to all my friends,
I texted all my friends his address.
When I got to his house,
he offered me a drink,
I made him drink from it first,
and then just the whole time
we were hooking up,
I was making sure to get DNA
under my fingernails, you know, but...
[faint laughter]
Casually. He didn't even notice. He kept
being like, "Damn, you're so kinky!"
I'm like, "If you murder me,
there will be justice! Argh!"
[laughter]
All your skin cells, sir.
[chuckles]
I asked for a tour of the apartment,
and then just dropped hair
in every corner.
I'm like, "Oh my god, I love it here!
Amazing! Amazing place! [chuckles]
So fun!
Oh, another room? Perfect, perfect!
Your toaster's so shiny!" Fingerprints.
- Um...
- [laughter]
It was worth it. He was so hot,
we were into the same things.
You know, with strangers, it's hard
to connect in that way,
but we both liked the same thing,
so it was nice. Like, for me,
if I have to tell you to choke me harder,
it's like, why am I talking?
- So, um...
- [laughter]
He got that.
[chuckles]
We're gonna play a fun game,
a fun experiment, a sex experiment.
Are you guys down?
- [cheers]
- All right, so I'm gonna ask questions
and if you don't talk to me, it's going
to be uncomfortable, so...
Get involved.
There's no right or wrong answer,
so I'm gonna ask all the men a question,
and then I'll ask
all the women a question.
So, all the men in the room,
let's say you're out to dinner
with one of your best guy friends.
And I know male friendship isn't real,
but, like, pretend. You know, like...
just for this joke, pretend, but...
you lack depth, um...
You do. I feel like,
my theory is men just make eye contact
with another man three times,
and then you're automatically a groomsman
in a wedding. Honestly, like...
You play too many games,
you don't share enough secrets, but...
Prove me wrong. I always like to be
proven wrong, it's only way to grow. So...
All the guys out here,
you're out to dinner,
good guy friend of yours,
he's a single straight guy,
and you're out to dinner and he goes,
"Guess what, I went out last night,
went to a bar, met a girl, we hit it off,
went back to my place, got laid."
And then you high five,
and then what do you ask him? Like,
what do you want to know about his night?
[man in audience]
How big was her pussy?
- "How big was her pussy?"
- [laughter]
Way to get it started.
Usually someone's like, "How is it?"
- But you went for it and...
- [laughter]
I like it.
What else?
[man] What color were her eyes?
"What color were her eyes?"
- A liar and a romantic, I love it.
- [laughter]
[man] How big were her tits?
"How big were her tits?"
[man] Fellatio. "Fellatio."
- "Pictures." [chuckles]
- [laughter]
Hopefully with her permission. Um...
I actually, can I just say,
one time I asked a dude
for a dirty video, and he sent me a video
of him fucking someone else,
I'm like, "Not what I had in mind. But...
[chuckles]
Cool.
Cool."
Okay, I didn't hear...
All right, I'll ask a follow-up.
I don't really hear what I always ask
my friends. So...
How many of you men, clap,
if when your guy friend tells you
he fucked someone new,
how many of you go, "Oh, did you cum?"
Like, do you ask each other that?
Like, "Oh, my god, did you cum?"
[hysterical laughter]
[laughter continues]
"Did you cum?" Do you guys do that?
- No one's clapping. Okay. Um...
- [maniacal laughter]
You, so you guys don't ask
each other that. No. And why is that?
[man] We always cum.
- You're always cumming.
- [laughter]
So if her pussy's giant or not,
you're cumming. You're cumming.
Okay, cool. Doesn't matter to you...
No, it doesn't matter, hazel eyes,
blue eyes, you're cumming no matter what?
- That's so fun. Um...
- [laughter]
How many of you ask if he made her cum?
- No, that'd be gay. I'm sorry.
- [laughter]
[retching]
Let's not make me puke up here. Um...
Okay, so you guys don't ask
because you're always cumming. So cool.
Um, when my girlfriends fuck someone new,
my first question is, "Did you cu-- "
Well, first I ask, "Did you want it?"
- But then...
- [laughter]
But then... And don't worry,
I know you're all the good guys.
So don't worry.
I've actually never met a bad guy.
Where are they? Hello?
Um, so I know you're all the good guys,
but, yeah, I always ask my girlfriends,
"Did you cum?" Clap if you're a woman
and when your friends fuck someone new,
you ask if they came or not?
[whooping and clapping]
What's normally the answer?
[women] No.
- That was a no, right? Um...
- [laughter]
Are there still men here confused
why all the women went marching or...
[laughter]
Does it make sense?
It makes sense, right?
That you're cumming so much
you don't have to ask each other
and a room
full of women just yelled, "No!"
None of our friends are cumming,
and none of you care. None of you care.
I see your faces.
Not one man's face looks surprised.
Not one. Not one of you.
Not one dude was like, "Wait! What?
Hold up! Hold up!
Wait, women aren't cumming? Let's go
to a finger-banging class at once!
I got a Groupon! Let's go!"
- [laughter]
- Um...
No, not the vibe. You know
we're not cumming, you just don't care. I mean, it's crazy. You cum every time,
yet all of our magazines are like,
"Oh, put an ice cube in your mouth.
He wants a chilly blowjob tonight!"
- You know?
- [laughter]
Cosmo, we know where the taint is.
Relax. Every month, you know? Uh...
It's crazy.
A room full of women yelled
that none of our friends are cumming,
and not one of you owned
a pussy-eating book.
And then you have the audacity to be like,
"Why are women so crazy and emotional?"
'Cause we're burning our clits off
with back massagers, okay?
[laughter and applause]
That's why. You know?
Yeah.
[applause continues]
How does it feel that people are clapping
at how poorly all of you
lay the dick down? I mean, truly?
[laughter]
Yeah, it's wild.
That's why you have to be nice to us.
That's why you have to be nicer to us.
That's why you have to do things for us.
Like, I hate when dudes get mad
at any privileges we get, it's like,
"Oh, but girls get free drinks!"
Yeah, you're cumming.
A vodka cranberry seems fair, like...
[laughter]
I took economics in college.
I feel like two gin and tonics
to jizz on a human is a fair exchange.
- You know what I mean?
- [cheers and laughter]
It's fair. Be nice to us.
Give us the seat on the train.
Hold the door open. Pay for shit.
Carry heavy stuff. If you're not doing
our errands, and we're not cumming,
remind me of your role again.
I just, um...
I'm curious.
"We go to war!"
Yeah, 'cause you're useless at home. So...
[laughter]
You think if we were cumming all the time,
we'd let you go to Afghanistan? No.
[laughter]
No.
We're like, "Just go. Um...
Go."
Of course, thank you for your service.
Um...
But, yeah.
And one dude, he brought up
a really good argument to me once.
He goes, "Well, if women aren't cumming,
why don't they say something?
Why don't they give us directions?
We're not mind readers.
Tell us what to do. Why do women even fake
orgasms? It doesn't make sense."
And that's such a good point.
It really doesn't make sense.
Why aren't women more vocal?
And I thought about it,
and I don't know this for a fact,
but I feel like women used to be
a lot more assertive.
And then what happened was Henry VIII.
I don't know if you remember him,
but, um...
I feel like once he chopped off
that last wife's head,
we all had a meeting and we're like,
"Oh, yeah, no, size doesn't matter.
You know, you're good, Henry.
You're good, you're good.
Oh, your body hair patches?
- The more random, the better. I love it.
- [laughter]
You look so good."
Sex is fun without cumming,
and I love sports. That's, um...
[laughter]
That's what happened.
You murdered us.
Sorry to get serious, but...
[faint laughter]
Any dudes that feel proud of the way
you earned power in this world,
you just murdered us
and didn't let us go to school.
And I'm not a hater.
You get to jizz all the time, congrats,
but it's the murder.
For sure.
How else do you, like, explain
why women are so nice to tiny-dicked men?
We're so nice to your dicks!
We do poetry so you don't feel sad.
"Oh, it's not the size of the boat,
it's the motion of the ocean."
- It's the murder. I mean... [chuckles]
- [laughter]
We're doing poetry for your dicks,
so you don't feel insecure about yourself
as you cum all over us. Like, that's wild.
That's pretty wild.
We get, like, a number one through ten
on the way we look.
We're, like, getting called witches
and burnt at the stake,
and then we see a tiny dick,
and we're like,
"Short and stubby, make a great hubby."
You know, like...
[laughter]
It's weird. And I know you're not supposed
to make fun of tiny dicks,
it always gets weird, like women start
rubbing men's backs and stuff, and...
[laughter]
The energy changes.
There's always, like, a whisper,
and it's annoying.
It's super annoying. Like...
If you have a tiny dick here right now,
and you feel kind of sad
and annoyed right now,
I don't care. 'Cause guess who's cumming.
Your tiny dick, so...
It doesn't matter. You're still cumming.
And if we want a big dick,
we're blamed for it. It's always like,
"Oh, you need a big dick?
Why, for your giant pussy? Is that it?
You're such a size queen." And it's like,
why can't we choose who gets
to fuck us poorly? Shut up, like...
It's so annoying to me.
I feel sometimes girls can't even choose
what they want in a dude.
Like on Tinder, guys will write
their height and be like,
"6'2", I guess height's important."
It's like, yeah, some women don't want
to fuck a troll. Move on.
Like, what is the problem?
What's the problem here? 'Cause then if
we like you for your job or your success,
we're a gold digger,
so it's like, hold up.
So we're either size queens
or we're shallow or gold diggers?
What can we judge you on?
'Cause it seems like you want us
to stand quietly as you cum all over us,
like, that's what the evidence shows.
'Cause nowadays, people, like,
men are committing awful crimes,
and then women who don't fuck them are
getting blamed for it, and it's like,
"I'm sorry, dude, if you can't get laid,
be a better person.
It has nothing to do with us.
'Cause if you're a guy
who can't get fucked,
that means you're not smart,
you're not funny,
you don't have a good personality,
you're not confident,
rich, successful, good with kids, handy,
you can't dance, you're not athletic,
creative, artistic.
I mean, can you learn a trick
on a skateboard,
or is that asking too much?
Is that too much?"
[laughter]
Pick up a clarinet, you fucking losers.
Honestly.
Even murderers get love letters in prison.
[laughter]
We're like, "Oh, a serial killer. A day
job and a hobby. I'm listening. Uh..."
[laughter]
We're there for you. It's up to you. Um...
But of course, I know it's not all men.
Hashtag not all men.
Of course. Not all men.
But the fun game now is,
if you're a dude and you feel defensive,
now you know you're not one of
the good ones, so that's easy, but...
Yeah.
'Cause I never said it was you.
You took it personal, so just know that.
So if you're sitting there, being like,
"This bitch..." Um...
Call your mom.
She wants you to fuck better, too.
I promise. [chuckles]
I promise.
And I do want to go back
to this pussy thing. It really bothers me.
I hate the whole thing of, like,
the big pussy, huge pussy,
your giant pu-- Like...
All of our vaginas are doing a great job,
I promise you,
or we wouldn't be trusted drug mules
- for generations. I mean...
- [laughter]
International drug travel, you guys,
it's like...
It's your dicks.
Pablo Escobar would never be like,
"Throw some coke in that loose puss. Let's
take a risk at the airport." You know?
He's not that chill.
That's not our pussies.
I've never once gone outside
and had wind just, like, blow up
and out of me. Never!
[laughter]
Never have I been walking
and a chill comes in through me,
and I'm like,
"Oh, it's 60 degrees out. Yay!"
[laughter]
Never happened. I've never gone home
after a rowdy, rowdy night and been like,
"Ugh. Leaves again. I mean, I just can't.
[grunting]
Just can't keep all this debris
out of my gaping pussy." You know?
It hasn't happened.
[laughs]
So that's my thesis. Okay, um...
I do have...
Okay, so this is my favorite joke ever,
but sometimes people really hate it
and I leave to silence,
but it's a risk I'm willing to take, so...
I don't know if any of you guys know
about Birthright,
but Birthright is basically,
if you're a young, fun Jew,
you get a free ten-day trip to Israel.
And the whole point of the trip is
to brainwash you,
like they try to be like,
"Look, it's the Dead Sea,"
but then they're like, "Marry a Jew
and join the Army." So that's the vibe.
And we'd all sit in a circle,
and we'd talk about
how important it is to marry a Jew,
and then they would get us drunk,
throw us on a boat, and just go,
"Everyone's Jewish!"
And then they would leave us there,
and we were all young,
we were all ages, like, 18 to 24,
so we were all fucking.
Everyone was having sex,
but it would be the worst,
because you would fuck all night,
and then in the morning,
they would drag you
to the Holocaust Museum,
and you'd still have dried cum
on your chest and be like, "Oh no.
Ugh. This is the worst.
Um...
Should have checked the itinerary." But...
Then you get kind of humbled, you know,
'cause you look around the museum
and you're like, "I guess it could
get worse. I guess it could get...
a lot worse."
But it's just uncomfortable.
You have to believe me.
It's so uncomfortable
because you're sitting and staring
at pictures of your people dying,
and then six million Jews
died right on your tits,
and you're like, "Oh, no!
[laughter]
Fuck! Am I...
- Am I the bad guy?
- [applause]
Am I Hitler? Yep."
And then you want to scratch it off,
and then a lawyer falls, and a rabbi,
an accountant, I'm like, "Oh no! Joshua!"
[laughs] "Your Bar Mitzvah
could have been so fun!"
All right, thank you so much, you guys!
[cheers and applause]
["Where The Devil Don't Play"
by Drive-by Truckers plays] ♪ Back in the thirties
when the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ The woods in Alabama
didn't see no light ♪
♪ My daddy played poker
by a hardwood fire ♪
♪ Squeezin' all his luck
from a hot copper wire ♪
♪ Scrapped like a wildcat fights
till the end ♪
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Liza Treyger!
[loud cheering and applause]
["Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive-by Truckers plays]
Hello!
Everyone feeling good?
[audience cheers]
So happy to be here in Vegas.
Um, I do want to start off.
I have to brag a little bit.
Um, but I saved my friend's life recently,
so not everyone's a hero.
I am. It's so fucking exciting.
Um, she was at my house.
She choked on a curly fry,
and at first,
I didn't even really believe her.
It's, like, too fun of a food.
I was like, "Nuh-uh,"
but she was dying, and so...
Jumped up, gave her the Heimlich, um,
and then the fry came out and she lived,
and then I got to watch
one of the best things
I've ever seen in my life, which was her have an internal struggle
as to when it was appropriate
to start eating the french fries again.
[laughter]
A real blessing. It was good.
Tears in her eyes,
looking at all the dipping sauces, so sad.
So sad. And if you're wondering where
I learned to give the Heimlich,
legit, just Mrs. Doubtfire.
You can all do it. It's not hard.
[laughter]
Um, you're also seeing me
in an amazing spot in my life.
I got dumped in the fall
and it truly ruined my life.
I was depressed for six months.
I was living
like the Willy Wonka grandparents,
- except no friends in the bed. Uh...
- [laughter]
That was the vibe.
I was Grandpa Joe, but then,
instead of family members,
it was just candy wrappers
and vibrators having a meeting.
[laughter]
It was sad. A lot of crafting
and masturbating,
which sounds like fun,
but it's a lot of glitter in your bush.
- It's a lot. A lot of maintenance.
- [laughter]
When you look at all the collages,
you know it's worth it, but...
it's a lot.
And I'm normally not a bush gal, like I...
[laughs]
...I like a fresh wax.
I feel powerful, better than people.
I feel like no one can intimidate me.
I love it. Like...
"Oh, you went to Harvard?
- Okay, well my pussy is so smooth, so...
- [laughter]
I don't read.
[chuckles]
[laughter]
Don't read.
[sighs]
You might own a business,
but I could do lunges at a pool,
- so we all have our shit.
- [laughter]
We all have our fun skills, um..."
Wait, do you guys know
about the Hitachi Magic Wand?
[audience members] Whoo!
All right, couple gals,
you don't know about it,
you touched his leg really hard.
Okay, um...
[laughter]
So, it's a vibrator,
but it's a "personal massager",
and this company, Hitachi, doesn't want it
to be a vibrator because they sell, like,
TVs and microwaves and stuff like that,
so their marketing department
was having issues,
and they just keep saying that it's
to "relieve tension and muscle aches",
but I'm telling you, it's a vibrator.
I'm sure you've seen it.
It's like this big, it's white,
there's blue buttons on it,
and there's, like, a little nub,
and then a rubber tip on top, and...
it's really, really heavy.
I have a lot of fantasies, when I use it,
that someone's gonna break into the house
- and I'm gonna crush their skull with it.
- [laughter]
But, um...
Oh, yeah, so when you buy one,
the instruction manual is just rules
not to masturbate with it.
One of the rules is legit,
"Do not put it on a wet body part."
That's a direct attack.
You know, no one's...
- [laughter]
- ...confused what that means, Hitachi.
The other rules are "Don't use it
when you're drunk,"
"Don't use it when you're tired,"
um, "Don't use it under a blanket,"
- "Don't sit on it." So...
- [laughter]
The message is clear. And I'm, like,
reading this and I'm getting mad,
and I'm like, "Fuck you, Hitachi, fuck
you, Japan. I'm out of the country now."
I'm just like, "How dare you? Women are
gonna do whatever we want with our bodies,
you don't care about us."
And then I put it on my back.
Hundred percent a back massager.
A hundred percent.
[laughter]
It's a hundred percent for your back.
Um, they're just protecting us.
That's why it's a foot long
and two pounds. [chuckles]
To get knots out of your back.
That's why it doesn't fit
during doggy, but... [laughs]
Whatever. Have fun with it. Um...
Also, during my depression, I got addicted
to porn and Survivor.
I don't know what I'm more embarrassed
about, but, um... Survivor fans?
- [a few in the audience] Whoo!
- Cool. Porn fans?
[almost all cheer]
Ugh! I always wondered, like,
what's Survivor? No one cares.
Um, porn fans, of all the people that
whooed, how many of you pay for your porn?
[silence]
- Okay. [laughs]
- [laughter]
So...
I'm new to porn, so I didn't realize
nobody paid for it,
so I pay for it and...
I pay for my porn, and I think it's weird
we don't pay for our porn.
I don't understand that,
it doesn't make sense to me.
I don't get how, as a society, we're like,
"Yeah, we'll pay for Wrestlemania;
UFC fights, pay for it; NFL RedZone, sure;
Netflix, got it. Spotify, got it."
And then a girl's taking three dicks
at once and we're like,
"I don't think she's working hard enough.
Yeah...
[laughter]
Could she step it up?"
You're monsters. You don't think she needs
to buy furniture for her house?
Like, give her money! I just don't get it!
They're basically slutty athletes.
Like, if you go to sporting event games,
you should...
If you buy jerseys,
you gotta support them.
They're physically fit, they're just
slutty athletes. I'm telling you.
They do more more than any pro baseball
player ever has in their fucking life.
Ever!
[applause]
Outfield? Who cares?
- Um... who cares? Doesn't matter.
- [laughter]
Golf? Like, I can't believe
golfers are millionaires. It's insane.
A hole-in-one? One in every hole.
Like, truly.
Truly. We gotta support these gals. Um... Support them. They work hard.
I follow them all on Instagram,
I know their days, um...
[laughs]
They're working hard.
But I'm not just a pervert.
I'm just, like, a hardcore fan.
I get very obsessed with things.
It's like, when the White Sox went
to the World Series,
I got black acrylic nails
that said White Sox on them
with diamonds in the pinkies.
I just go hard for the things I love.
I don't know if you've noticed,
I have a Red Hot Chili Pepper tattoo
here on my leg.
I don't know if you can see it.
It looks like I covered up a swastika...
[laughter]
which I'd prefer. [chuckles]
I think I'd prefer to be an ex-Nazi
than to think Anthony Kiedis
was the voice of my generation, um...
[laughter]
He's still hot, but truly, not even
my worst tattoo, if you can believe it,
I have worse tattoos,
more embarrassing, um...
I got a tattoo when I was 16.
I don't know if anyone here has done that,
but it's illegal,
so you just go to a man's apartment. -Um...
- [laughter]
So, it's me, Julia, and Barbara,
and we all left high school and we all got
matching upper puss tattoos.
Now... [chuckles] Yeah.
You might be wondering,
"Oh, are you still best friends?"
Truly never talked to them again.
I don't know...
anything about them,
but we're bonded forever.
I don't know, at the time, it seemed like
the only safe place I could get a tattoo
that my parents wouldn't see,
'cause if your parents see
your pussy tattoo,
clearly, there are bigger problems
in the home, so...
[laughter]
Kinda smart for a teen. [chuckles]
Yeah, I was a renegade teen,
'cause I had old, foreign parents,
so I got to do whatever I wanted.
I would print out permission slip forms
and white out the date and the money
and then have amazing 4/20s every year,
and just, like, I don't know. It was wild.
My parents are, yeah, so old,
so foreign. They were born
in 1938 and 1945
in the former Soviet Union,
so you can imagine just, like,
such a chill childhood. JK. Stalin.
So, yeah. They just didn't know anything.
And the things they taught me
aren't, like, helpful for my life.
Everything is, like,
a Russian Jew superstition
to, like, help us from communism.
Like, nothing is helpful in my life.
Every lesson was
"Don't put your purse on the floor,"
"Don't put your keys on the table,"
"Don't whistle inside,"
"Don't open an umbrella inside,"
"Show your pocket to a crescent moon."
- Duh. Um...
- [laughter]
"Don't hug anyone in a doorway,"
"If you leave the house
and you forget something, make sure
you look in the mirror
before you leave again," "Don't step over
anyone's legs, they'll never grow."
- Um...
- [laughter]
What's my fav...
Oh, my favorite is "Don't wake anyone up,
'cause once you steal someone's sleep,
it's something they can never get back."
And my roommates are like, "We wish
they taught you how to wash a dish."
- Yeah, that...
- [laughter]
would've been a lot more helpful.
"Can you pick up your open-faced underwear
off the floor?"
I'm like, "I would love to, but I'm busy
closing umbrellas, so...
maybe later. [chuckles]
Maybe later."
Oh, are there families here tonight?
No, see?
That's my favorite,
cause I'm pretty dirty,
so I love when families come, and then,
like, a mom will laugh, and then the whole family learns
she's a slut together.
I mean...
[chuckles]...it's my favorite.
Um... Oh, this joke is just for the girls,
so I'm sorry to leave you guys out,
but I'm just curious
if women relate to this.
Are there any women here today, like,
do you relate to this?
Have you ever been sitting somewhere,
and thought to yourself,
"Did I just get my period,
or did I just get super wet at Panera?"
- Um...
- [laughter]
Not as many as I'd like,
but it's all right.
It's a weird moment where you think
you need a tampon, and then you realize
a broccoli cheddar bread bowl just,
like, really does it for you.
- You're like, "Oh!
- [laughter]
I got a new type."
Um...
Also, this last relationship
was my first girlfriend.
Always dated boys, met this girl,
so hot, we fell in love,
but I don't want you to think
I'm a loser. I've done Molly.
I've put my mouth on everything,
like, I'm a cool girl.
- Uh...
- [laughter]
But, yeah. First girlfriend,
and so I was a little sexually intimidated
and I did-- I went to Barnes and Noble
and I bought a pussy-eating book.
Um, I did. There's, like, a papaya
on the cover, but are there... [chuckles]
...are there any men, straight men here
that own a pussy-eating book?
[silence]
[a few laughs]
So, silence... it's just...
It's weird that it was my instinct,
but, like, none of yours.
You know what I mean?
Like, never once, were you like,
"Oh, I like her.
I'll, you know, skim a book at a library."
But, um, no judgment.
Judgment. But, yeah, no judgment.
It's chill.
Just, yeah. Get the book. Um...
Yeah, what was annoying when we broke up,
though, what bothered me a lot, is,
like, usually when someone gets dumped,
you're like, "How are you feeling?
What happened?
Are you gonna still text or talk?"
Instead, everyone just kept asking,
"Who you gonna fuck next? Guy or girl?
Do you still like dick? Are you gay?
Who you gonna fuck? Dick or no dick?"
- [laughter]
- Like, every person.
And it's so rude.
I'm just, like, "I'm just trying to find,
like, love, joy, and happiness
in my heart again.
Like, you're such a monster. But also,
I'm gonna go fuck some couples. Duh."
I mean, what... [chuckles]
What do you do after a breakup?
You find some weird married people
and you fuck them.
So, that... Yeah, that's what I did.
I actually had a foursome with people
I met in the front row of a show.
- No pressure. But, um...
- [laughter]
Facts are facts.
Also what everyone always says
when you get dumped,
everyone's just like, "Are you on the
apps? Are you gonna be on the apps?"
I'm not interested in the apps.
That's not what I want to do.
They're dangerous and weird. The only time
I'm on the apps is on vacation.
Um, when you're like,
desperate and fun, so...
'Cause they're dangerous. It's weird.
So the last time I went on Tinder,
it was, like, a year and a half ago,
I was in London.
I always want to fuck in London.
I love the accents.
Everyone's so hot, like,
I just love an accent where you could tell
there's gonna be foreskin.
You know, so polite.
[laughter]
So kind, um...
So I was there,
I met this guy who was perfect,
we had a lot in common, so I was
in an Uber to his house pretty quickly,
and then it hits you, you can die,
and that sucks, because... then you have to kind of figure out
how much you think your life is worth.
'Cause you don't want to get murdered
by a man in his apartment,
but he's a light-skinned black dude
with light eyes,
and once you see a unicorn,
- you gotta try to fuck it. You know?
- [laughter]
I'm not patient enough to wait till I get
to heaven. I'm going, so...
What I did, and this is really good advice
to everyone, what I did was
I took screenshots of his face,
I sent that to all my friends,
I texted all my friends his address.
When I got to his house,
he offered me a drink,
I made him drink from it first,
and then just the whole time
we were hooking up,
I was making sure to get DNA
under my fingernails, you know, but...
[faint laughter]
Casually. He didn't even notice. He kept
being like, "Damn, you're so kinky!"
I'm like, "If you murder me,
there will be justice! Argh!"
[laughter]
All your skin cells, sir.
[chuckles]
I asked for a tour of the apartment,
and then just dropped hair
in every corner.
I'm like, "Oh my god, I love it here!
Amazing! Amazing place! [chuckles]
So fun!
Oh, another room? Perfect, perfect!
Your toaster's so shiny!" Fingerprints.
- Um...
- [laughter]
It was worth it. He was so hot,
we were into the same things.
You know, with strangers, it's hard
to connect in that way,
but we both liked the same thing,
so it was nice. Like, for me,
if I have to tell you to choke me harder,
it's like, why am I talking?
- So, um...
- [laughter]
He got that.
[chuckles]
We're gonna play a fun game,
a fun experiment, a sex experiment.
Are you guys down?
- [cheers]
- All right, so I'm gonna ask questions
and if you don't talk to me, it's going
to be uncomfortable, so...
Get involved.
There's no right or wrong answer,
so I'm gonna ask all the men a question,
and then I'll ask
all the women a question.
So, all the men in the room,
let's say you're out to dinner
with one of your best guy friends.
And I know male friendship isn't real,
but, like, pretend. You know, like...
just for this joke, pretend, but...
you lack depth, um...
You do. I feel like,
my theory is men just make eye contact
with another man three times,
and then you're automatically a groomsman
in a wedding. Honestly, like...
You play too many games,
you don't share enough secrets, but...
Prove me wrong. I always like to be
proven wrong, it's only way to grow. So...
All the guys out here,
you're out to dinner,
good guy friend of yours,
he's a single straight guy,
and you're out to dinner and he goes,
"Guess what, I went out last night,
went to a bar, met a girl, we hit it off,
went back to my place, got laid."
And then you high five,
and then what do you ask him? Like,
what do you want to know about his night?
[man in audience]
How big was her pussy?
- "How big was her pussy?"
- [laughter]
Way to get it started.
Usually someone's like, "How is it?"
- But you went for it and...
- [laughter]
I like it.
What else?
[man] What color were her eyes?
"What color were her eyes?"
- A liar and a romantic, I love it.
- [laughter]
[man] How big were her tits?
"How big were her tits?"
[man] Fellatio. "Fellatio."
- "Pictures." [chuckles]
- [laughter]
Hopefully with her permission. Um...
I actually, can I just say,
one time I asked a dude
for a dirty video, and he sent me a video
of him fucking someone else,
I'm like, "Not what I had in mind. But...
[chuckles]
Cool.
Cool."
Okay, I didn't hear...
All right, I'll ask a follow-up.
I don't really hear what I always ask
my friends. So...
How many of you men, clap,
if when your guy friend tells you
he fucked someone new,
how many of you go, "Oh, did you cum?"
Like, do you ask each other that?
Like, "Oh, my god, did you cum?"
[hysterical laughter]
[laughter continues]
"Did you cum?" Do you guys do that?
- No one's clapping. Okay. Um...
- [maniacal laughter]
You, so you guys don't ask
each other that. No. And why is that?
[man] We always cum.
- You're always cumming.
- [laughter]
So if her pussy's giant or not,
you're cumming. You're cumming.
Okay, cool. Doesn't matter to you...
No, it doesn't matter, hazel eyes,
blue eyes, you're cumming no matter what?
- That's so fun. Um...
- [laughter]
How many of you ask if he made her cum?
- No, that'd be gay. I'm sorry.
- [laughter]
[retching]
Let's not make me puke up here. Um...
Okay, so you guys don't ask
because you're always cumming. So cool.
Um, when my girlfriends fuck someone new,
my first question is, "Did you cu-- "
Well, first I ask, "Did you want it?"
- But then...
- [laughter]
But then... And don't worry,
I know you're all the good guys.
So don't worry.
I've actually never met a bad guy.
Where are they? Hello?
Um, so I know you're all the good guys,
but, yeah, I always ask my girlfriends,
"Did you cum?" Clap if you're a woman
and when your friends fuck someone new,
you ask if they came or not?
[whooping and clapping]
What's normally the answer?
[women] No.
- That was a no, right? Um...
- [laughter]
Are there still men here confused
why all the women went marching or...
[laughter]
Does it make sense?
It makes sense, right?
That you're cumming so much
you don't have to ask each other
and a room
full of women just yelled, "No!"
None of our friends are cumming,
and none of you care. None of you care.
I see your faces.
Not one man's face looks surprised.
Not one. Not one of you.
Not one dude was like, "Wait! What?
Hold up! Hold up!
Wait, women aren't cumming? Let's go
to a finger-banging class at once!
I got a Groupon! Let's go!"
- [laughter]
- Um...
No, not the vibe. You know
we're not cumming, you just don't care. I mean, it's crazy. You cum every time,
yet all of our magazines are like,
"Oh, put an ice cube in your mouth.
He wants a chilly blowjob tonight!"
- You know?
- [laughter]
Cosmo, we know where the taint is.
Relax. Every month, you know? Uh...
It's crazy.
A room full of women yelled
that none of our friends are cumming,
and not one of you owned
a pussy-eating book.
And then you have the audacity to be like,
"Why are women so crazy and emotional?"
'Cause we're burning our clits off
with back massagers, okay?
[laughter and applause]
That's why. You know?
Yeah.
[applause continues]
How does it feel that people are clapping
at how poorly all of you
lay the dick down? I mean, truly?
[laughter]
Yeah, it's wild.
That's why you have to be nice to us.
That's why you have to be nicer to us.
That's why you have to do things for us.
Like, I hate when dudes get mad
at any privileges we get, it's like,
"Oh, but girls get free drinks!"
Yeah, you're cumming.
A vodka cranberry seems fair, like...
[laughter]
I took economics in college.
I feel like two gin and tonics
to jizz on a human is a fair exchange.
- You know what I mean?
- [cheers and laughter]
It's fair. Be nice to us.
Give us the seat on the train.
Hold the door open. Pay for shit.
Carry heavy stuff. If you're not doing
our errands, and we're not cumming,
remind me of your role again.
I just, um...
I'm curious.
"We go to war!"
Yeah, 'cause you're useless at home. So...
[laughter]
You think if we were cumming all the time,
we'd let you go to Afghanistan? No.
[laughter]
No.
We're like, "Just go. Um...
Go."
Of course, thank you for your service.
Um...
But, yeah.
And one dude, he brought up
a really good argument to me once.
He goes, "Well, if women aren't cumming,
why don't they say something?
Why don't they give us directions?
We're not mind readers.
Tell us what to do. Why do women even fake
orgasms? It doesn't make sense."
And that's such a good point.
It really doesn't make sense.
Why aren't women more vocal?
And I thought about it,
and I don't know this for a fact,
but I feel like women used to be
a lot more assertive.
And then what happened was Henry VIII.
I don't know if you remember him,
but, um...
I feel like once he chopped off
that last wife's head,
we all had a meeting and we're like,
"Oh, yeah, no, size doesn't matter.
You know, you're good, Henry.
You're good, you're good.
Oh, your body hair patches?
- The more random, the better. I love it.
- [laughter]
You look so good."
Sex is fun without cumming,
and I love sports. That's, um...
[laughter]
That's what happened.
You murdered us.
Sorry to get serious, but...
[faint laughter]
Any dudes that feel proud of the way
you earned power in this world,
you just murdered us
and didn't let us go to school.
And I'm not a hater.
You get to jizz all the time, congrats,
but it's the murder.
For sure.
How else do you, like, explain
why women are so nice to tiny-dicked men?
We're so nice to your dicks!
We do poetry so you don't feel sad.
"Oh, it's not the size of the boat,
it's the motion of the ocean."
- It's the murder. I mean... [chuckles]
- [laughter]
We're doing poetry for your dicks,
so you don't feel insecure about yourself
as you cum all over us. Like, that's wild.
That's pretty wild.
We get, like, a number one through ten
on the way we look.
We're, like, getting called witches
and burnt at the stake,
and then we see a tiny dick,
and we're like,
"Short and stubby, make a great hubby."
You know, like...
[laughter]
It's weird. And I know you're not supposed
to make fun of tiny dicks,
it always gets weird, like women start
rubbing men's backs and stuff, and...
[laughter]
The energy changes.
There's always, like, a whisper,
and it's annoying.
It's super annoying. Like...
If you have a tiny dick here right now,
and you feel kind of sad
and annoyed right now,
I don't care. 'Cause guess who's cumming.
Your tiny dick, so...
It doesn't matter. You're still cumming.
And if we want a big dick,
we're blamed for it. It's always like,
"Oh, you need a big dick?
Why, for your giant pussy? Is that it?
You're such a size queen." And it's like,
why can't we choose who gets
to fuck us poorly? Shut up, like...
It's so annoying to me.
I feel sometimes girls can't even choose
what they want in a dude.
Like on Tinder, guys will write
their height and be like,
"6'2", I guess height's important."
It's like, yeah, some women don't want
to fuck a troll. Move on.
Like, what is the problem?
What's the problem here? 'Cause then if
we like you for your job or your success,
we're a gold digger,
so it's like, hold up.
So we're either size queens
or we're shallow or gold diggers?
What can we judge you on?
'Cause it seems like you want us
to stand quietly as you cum all over us,
like, that's what the evidence shows.
'Cause nowadays, people, like,
men are committing awful crimes,
and then women who don't fuck them are
getting blamed for it, and it's like,
"I'm sorry, dude, if you can't get laid,
be a better person.
It has nothing to do with us.
'Cause if you're a guy
who can't get fucked,
that means you're not smart,
you're not funny,
you don't have a good personality,
you're not confident,
rich, successful, good with kids, handy,
you can't dance, you're not athletic,
creative, artistic.
I mean, can you learn a trick
on a skateboard,
or is that asking too much?
Is that too much?"
[laughter]
Pick up a clarinet, you fucking losers.
Honestly.
Even murderers get love letters in prison.
[laughter]
We're like, "Oh, a serial killer. A day
job and a hobby. I'm listening. Uh..."
[laughter]
We're there for you. It's up to you. Um...
But of course, I know it's not all men.
Hashtag not all men.
Of course. Not all men.
But the fun game now is,
if you're a dude and you feel defensive,
now you know you're not one of
the good ones, so that's easy, but...
Yeah.
'Cause I never said it was you.
You took it personal, so just know that.
So if you're sitting there, being like,
"This bitch..." Um...
Call your mom.
She wants you to fuck better, too.
I promise. [chuckles]
I promise.
And I do want to go back
to this pussy thing. It really bothers me.
I hate the whole thing of, like,
the big pussy, huge pussy,
your giant pu-- Like...
All of our vaginas are doing a great job,
I promise you,
or we wouldn't be trusted drug mules
- for generations. I mean...
- [laughter]
International drug travel, you guys,
it's like...
It's your dicks.
Pablo Escobar would never be like,
"Throw some coke in that loose puss. Let's
take a risk at the airport." You know?
He's not that chill.
That's not our pussies.
I've never once gone outside
and had wind just, like, blow up
and out of me. Never!
[laughter]
Never have I been walking
and a chill comes in through me,
and I'm like,
"Oh, it's 60 degrees out. Yay!"
[laughter]
Never happened. I've never gone home
after a rowdy, rowdy night and been like,
"Ugh. Leaves again. I mean, I just can't.
[grunting]
Just can't keep all this debris
out of my gaping pussy." You know?
It hasn't happened.
[laughs]
So that's my thesis. Okay, um...
I do have...
Okay, so this is my favorite joke ever,
but sometimes people really hate it
and I leave to silence,
but it's a risk I'm willing to take, so...
I don't know if any of you guys know
about Birthright,
but Birthright is basically,
if you're a young, fun Jew,
you get a free ten-day trip to Israel.
And the whole point of the trip is
to brainwash you,
like they try to be like,
"Look, it's the Dead Sea,"
but then they're like, "Marry a Jew
and join the Army." So that's the vibe.
And we'd all sit in a circle,
and we'd talk about
how important it is to marry a Jew,
and then they would get us drunk,
throw us on a boat, and just go,
"Everyone's Jewish!"
And then they would leave us there,
and we were all young,
we were all ages, like, 18 to 24,
so we were all fucking.
Everyone was having sex,
but it would be the worst,
because you would fuck all night,
and then in the morning,
they would drag you
to the Holocaust Museum,
and you'd still have dried cum
on your chest and be like, "Oh no.
Ugh. This is the worst.
Um...
Should have checked the itinerary." But...
Then you get kind of humbled, you know,
'cause you look around the museum
and you're like, "I guess it could
get worse. I guess it could get...
a lot worse."
But it's just uncomfortable.
You have to believe me.
It's so uncomfortable
because you're sitting and staring
at pictures of your people dying,
and then six million Jews
died right on your tits,
and you're like, "Oh, no!
[laughter]
Fuck! Am I...
- Am I the bad guy?
- [applause]
Am I Hitler? Yep."
And then you want to scratch it off,
and then a lawyer falls, and a rabbi,
an accountant, I'm like, "Oh no! Joshua!"
[laughs] "Your Bar Mitzvah
could have been so fun!"
All right, thank you so much, you guys!
[cheers and applause]
["Where The Devil Don't Play"
by Drive-by Truckers plays] ♪ Back in the thirties
when the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ The woods in Alabama
didn't see no light ♪
♪ My daddy played poker
by a hardwood fire ♪
♪ Squeezin' all his luck
from a hot copper wire ♪
♪ Scrapped like a wildcat fights
till the end ♪