The Degenerates (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Yamaneika Saunders - full transcript
[rhythmic clapping]
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Yamaneika Saunders!
[cheering and applause]
Hello!
Hi! How are you guys?
Oh, I love that. I love that.
- I wore my trashiest shit, okay?
- [cheers]
Trashy! Yeah.
'Cause I also gotta find a man,
so if this shit don't work out,
I'm fucking somebody in this crowd, okay?
[laughs]
Also, I have this on because I like to air
my pussy out. It gets hot!
[laughter]
You know, when you got that hot pussy... [faint guffawing]
And I'm doing Kegels too,
so sometimes I, like...
You know what I mean?
I gotta, like, crunch my shit together
and then I put a hot dog in there
just to haul it around for the day.
And I got my hot dog in my pussy.
[laughs]
I'm such a dirty bitch.
Fuck it! Who cares?
- Who fucking cares?
- [cheers and applause]
I think I got dirtier
when I moved to New York.
I've been in New York for, like, 18 years
and it changed me
as a person, you know,
'cause New York's really tough.
When I first moved there from Maryland,
I was a skinny white woman.
- And then...
- [laughter]
I had to morph into this bitch to survive!
[laughs awkwardly]
- What the fuck you want, nigga? [laughs]
- [laughter]
No, you gotta be tough there 'cause
everything is coming at you
at so many different angles.
You know, when I first moved there,
I had to get used to the homeless people.
Homeless people in New York,
they're the, mwah, best!
[laughter]
I had a homeless man come up to me.
I was at the bus stop.
- 'Cause that's where fat bitches hang.
- [laughter]
I was at the bus stop,
this homeless man comes up to me and goes,
"Gimme some toilet paper!
I need some toilet paper!
- Gimme some toilet paper right now!"
- [laughter]
And I was like, "Oh my God!" I wasn't
prepared to give him toilet paper,
'cause I didn't know
I have to wipe my ass at the bus stop.
He says to me, "If you don't give me
some toilet paper right now,
I'ma shit and piss right here,
I'ma shit...
and piss right here!" And I was like,
"First of all, nigga, you smell
like shit and piss!"
I mean, you know what I'm saying? Like...
"This is what you comin' with, so, what's
the incentive?" You know what I'm saying?
[laughter]
So...
[faint laughter continues]
But I gave him my number,
'cause I'm single, so I hope he calls me.
- [Yamaneika giggling]
- [laughter and applause]
I be throwing my pussy out everywhere.
I gotta... [giggles]
I do! I throw it out, I...
Let me tell you something.
I like to get drunk.
- [laughter]
- [Yamaneika chuckles faintly]
I do! I drink, you know,
and I like to keep up with my friends.
I drink, and, you know,
and people go,
"Oh, it's fine. She's a big girl.
It's all right.
She's a big girl with more weight.
She's all right."
And it's like, no, I'm not all right.
I have, like, one Heineken, I'm selling
my pussy on the corner for 25 cents! So...
[laughter and applause]
I'ma suck somebody's dick tonight
off of this shit.
[laughter]
I get drunk,
and I can't hold my liquor,
and then I...
drunk call my ex boyfriend,
which I've told
my girlfriends not to let me do that. You know. We all, as women, make a pact
with our friends.
We're like, "Listen, girl.
You know what the deal is. Don't let me call this motherfucker.
I hate him."
Right? And you go,
"Like, under no circumstance,
let me call this motherfucker. I'm ser--
Like, girl, don't..."
And your friend's like, "No, girl.
We promise. We're not...
We're gonna take your phone,
and you're gonna be fine. It's all good!
It's all good!"
And then you fucking kick back drinks,
and then you go to your phone,
they're like, "No, girl! Stop!"
You're like, "Fuck you, bitch!
Fuck you! You got a fucking man!
I gotta call this nigga
'cause I gotta talk to him
about some shit right now!"
You know? And you be drunk
and be dialing the phone.
- [mimicking beeping keypads]
- [laughter]
You know, you know the nigga's number.
[continues mimicking]
[faint laughter]
I get angry.
And then you call, and then you...
you remember when the phone's ringing,
- "Oh, I shouldn't call this motherfucker!"
- [laughter]
I... My last boyfriend dumped me
over text message,
and I didn't even have a plan!
You understand? Like...
I spent ten cents
for this nigga to dump me. Like I...
I shouldn't be calling him,
but I'm calling him,
because, like, I need the dick!
I need the dick!
And I think you guys don't understand.
Sometimes girls just need the fucking dick
and we want the dick we used to fuck!
We don't want to learn new dick.
I just want to fuck you. I...
I already taught you the moves.
You know what I'm saying? Like...
It's a whole thing.
When you fuck a new guy,
and if he don't know how to fuck,
you gotta teach him new moves!
Like, when my boyfriend left me,
I was like, "Nigga, I want my moves back!"
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
"You was fucking up my pussy
when I first met you.
Give me them fucking moves back!"
And I just want to fuck him
so I don't have to learn some dude again.
But guys don't understand, when women say
we want to come back to you,
it's not 'cause your dick is amazing,
'cause that's what guys do.
"Oh, yeah, this bitch wants this dick!"
And they talk to their friends about it.
"Yeah, she's on my fucking nuts!"
And it's like, no! We're not on your nuts!
It's just we all know each other, right?
It's more like your dick is memory foam.
[laughter]
Right?
It's just memory foam!
And I just want to go back
to my Sleep Number.
You know what I mean?
- I don't give a fuck about you!
- [laughter]
[faint laughter]
I hate my ex-boyfriend!
I fucking hate him!
He was a fat motherfucker!
You ever give a fat nigga a chance,
and then they fucking le--
- Where the fuck are you going?
- [laughter and applause]
Who the fuck is trying to fuck you?
He was a fat motherfucker,
I'm a big bitch,
we're in there, fucking,
everybody's titties is everywhere.
Titties here, titties on his back, and...
and it was like fat smells and shit,
like we'd be fucking, and it'd smell
like a barbecue was happening.
You know? So every time we'd fuck,
it'd smell like Memorial Day.
- Like, it was just...
- [faint hysterical laughter]
[laughter continues]
I worked for him!
I put in work!
Appreciate the work I put...
He was a fat fuck
- whose dick was inside his fucking mound!
- [laughter]
His dick was in his mou--
I had to...
You ever have to do this move,
to carve a nigga's dick out?
- I was cu-- I was digging for the dick!
- [faint laughter]
Why the fuck am I di--
Like, it was in there!
It wa-- Sometimes I had to kick him
in the stomach,
just so his dick would po--
Be like, bip, nigga! Come on!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- [Yamaneika making panting sounds]
- [maniacal laughter]
And he think he doing something!
"Oh, yeah!
Ooh-ahh! Ooh-ahh! Ooh..."
And then he'd be sweating on top of me
and shit, I have to fuck him,
pull out an umbrella, phoo!
"All right, nigga! Like..." [grunts]
[laughter]
[rapid panting, moaning]
[panting and moaning slowing down]
[breathing slowly]
"You feel that?
Huh? You feel that?"
I'm like, "No, you've been fucking
my navel for 20 minutes!
[laughter]
I didn't feel it.
Did you feel that my pussy wasn't wet?
That's my fucking navel!"
[hysterical laughter] I fucking hated him.
I hated him 'cause I did so much shit
for him, too.
He used to watch porn.
Let's talk about the porn dudes, okay?
Like, for real.
Y'all gotta stop watching
this fucking porn.
Look at me, motherfucker!
[uproarious laughter]
Stop with the porn. I'm telling you,
all you guys right now,
you gotta be fucking realistic.
You watch the porn,
these bitches is going crazy,
and you want every bitch
you're with to go crazy like that bitch,
but guess what.
That bitch is getting paid!
[laughter and applause]
We're not getting paid.
This is more like pro bono work.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, nigga, I'm volunteering right now,
so, yeah, I'm not doing all that shit.
It's fucking hard! How you doing, baby?
You a big boy. When I was talking about
big niggas, why you ain't say nothing?
[laughter] -That's your lady right there?
- [indistinct]
Yeah? How long y'all been together?
About 16 years.
16 years? Nigga, you look 12!
[laughter]
- You married?
- No.
[laughter]
[laughter]
Why the fuck would you be
with a nigga for 16 years,
and not be...Do you have
a life insurance out on this nigga?
'Cause he look like he got diabetes,
so, you know what I'm saying? Like...
- [laughter and applause]
- Nigga, you gonna have to die!
16 fucking years!
Y'all, lemme tell y'all something. I got
into the fuck business late, okay?
I did. I got... This is why
I'm out here now, like fuck it.
I don't give a fuck anymore. It...
I grew up in a Christian household.
So I didn't have sex until 27 years old.
That's the first time I had sex,
and let me tell you something.
My pussy was so tight...
[laughter]
...it was like opening up a bag of chips.
Like, it was...
[imitating air hissing sound]
[laughter]
My shit was tight!
And I was nervous because
my grandmother was in my head,
with all, you know, "Don't be having sex!
You know, Jesus is watching!" And you're like, "Oh!
- Is he here?"
- [laughter]
Right? 'Cause when you're with a guy,
you're like, touching, caressing and shit,
and he want to put his fingers
in your pussy, and you're like,
"Wait a minute, um...
- Let's be quiet for a second.
- [laughter]
I think Jesus might be in here.
[laughter]
Might have to turn the lights down."
I remember...
[faint laughter]
No, but I fucked for the first time
at 27 years old, and...
I just thought the experience was gonna be
like, magical, you know?
Like, I was like, "This guy, he's gonna
ravish me and he's gonna enter me.
And I'm just gonna become a woman,
and, and you know,
he's gonna come swoop me up,
on, like, a white horse."
And I don't know why I thought
he was gonna swoop me on a white horse,
because I'm a big bitch, so if he did,
him and the horse was both gonna go down.
Like, "Come on, bitch!"
And the horse be like...
[distressed neighing]
But I thought he was gonna, like...
turn me into this woman, and I just...
and he's...
You know, he was gonna fuck me,
and then, I had to sit there.
It was such an awkward thing
because, you know, this was my first time
seeing a live penis,
and, you know, I'm sitting there
and I'm waiting
for the penis, and he's, you know, like,
"Okay, I gotta pull my pants down,"
and then he's like, "All right, just so
you know I'm getting ready for you, baby."
And he felt so much pressure,
and then sometimes, as women,
when we have to see a penis
for the first time on a guy,
we go, "Oh! Oh... that's okay!
It's, it's all right, sweetie!" And...
The guy's like, "Oh, I'm so nervous!"
And, you know, turn the lights down,
and cut the heat up, you know,
'cause I don't... I just want you to know,
I wanna present the best to you.
And then we sit there, as women,
and we go, "Oh, that's okay, darling.
It's fine. Do whatever you want."
But it's like, "No, fuck that!
Like, nigga...
[stammering]...what's going on?
[laughter]
- You got a dick or not?" Like, it's not...
- [laughter]
Like, women are always like,
"It's so much pressure for the guy!"
It's pressure for us, too!
No matter what this guy pulls out,
your face can't cha-- [stammering]
You ever see a guy pull out a dick
and it ain't... and you're like...
- [Yamaneika giggling]
- [laughter]
[nervously giggling]
And I have sucked so many...
small di--
I've sucked so many small dicks.
You ever suck a dick so small, you go,
"Can I-- Can I fill out
a W9 and get some money back?"
[laughter]
Right? Like, I feel like...
I need to get money back, like, your balls
and your dick are like a dependent.
- You know what I mean? Like...
- [laughter]
The guy I fucked for the first time,
he didn't have, like, a... you know...
straight dick.
I was expecting it just to be like,
"Whoosh!"
And it was, it was like, hooked.
It was curved, and I was like,
"Well, how the fuck I'ma fuck him?
Do I gotta go around the corner
and fuck him? Like..." [laughs]
[laughter]
I mean you gotta open yourself up and...
and the guy's gotta enter you,
and I just thought, like, sparkles...
were gonna shoot up out of his dick,
and I was gonna be different, and... and he fucked me
and there was no sparkle.
There was no sparkle, and I was like,
"Fuck, there must be something wrong
here," so I just start...
fucking other guys,
looking for the sparkle.
So I just start fucking a guy,
looking for sparkle. No sparkle.
Fuck this guy, looking for sparkle.
No sparkle. Fuck this guy. Looking for...
No sparkle. I kept fucking dudes,
for the sparkle.
I never found the sparkle,
but my pussy was burning. So...
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
[whooping]
[louder laughter and applause]
[cheering]
You can sell that on eBay.
But it was fine. It was fine.
I fucked the guy, and it's...
And I'm fucking now. I'm fucking now.
That's what I'm doing, I'm out there.
I'm fucking. Who cares? Who cares?
And I'm not gonna be slut-shamed.
I'm gonna fuck whoever the fuck I want,
and it's fine.
I had a guy try to slut-shame me,
he found out I was fucking other guys.
He's like, "I can't believe
you're fucking other guys."
If you want to lock this down,
put a ring on it.
Beyoncé done told you what the fuck to do!
Nigga, you better uh-uh-oh!
[cheering and laughter] I gotta fuck all kinds of different guys.
Old guys, young guys.
Young guys are different.
You know, young guys, you know, it's...
Whatever.
- [Yamaneika scoffs]
- [laughter]
You want to look at a young guy,
it's fine,
but the fucking is like, whatever.
It's like, you know,
'cause the motherfucker's so involved
in, like,
war of crafts, whatever the fuck
they're doing, PS4.
It's like you can't get
a young guy to fuck you right
unless your pussy's a controller.
You know what I mean?
You fuck a young guy, the only way
you gonna get off is
if you tell a nigga,
"Left, Right, Up, Down, A A A."
[laughter]
Like, I need an old dude now,
like you know,
a motherfucker that puts his shoes on
for traction,
will throw some talcum powder
on the ground, put some socks on,
and fuck you right. You know,
he'd be like, "Come on. Come on, bitch!
I got you. Don't worry.
Oh, my knee's about to give up,
but that's all right.
This dick's still good."
[laughter]
I don't know who or what I'm gonna fuck
or what I'm gonna end up with.
I think about that a lot.
Like, what type of guy
am I gonna end up with?
I didn't have any real role models
when it came to women, right?
I don't think any of us did
that grew up in my generation,
because the only bitch we had
was Barbie, and that was a dumb bitch.
Barbie was a dumb...
dumb bitch.
The reason why we fucking up
as women is because of fucking Barbie.
I'm just telling you.
Barbie had 900 jobs.
She was president, accountant,
she was a secretary, bitch sold Avon,
sold lemonade, she was Cardi B
for two weeks for some reason.
You know, she was doing it all!
And she's fucking with a dude...
- that ain't got no fucking job!
- [laughter]
She's fucking with Ken.
Ken ain't got no job, and no dick!
What the fuck's she with him for?
[laughter and applause]
Why would you fuck Ken?
At least fuck G.I. Joe, he got a couple
missiles he can stick up your pussy!
[laughter and applause]
It's... it's fucking insane!
What are you looking at?
[laughter]
Not you.
[woman] I fucking been looking at
your boobs the whole time!
Oh, you have?
That's cute! You have great boobs.
I was looking at the guy behind you,
but let me talk to you for a second.
You have amazing boo--
These are, like, 44Gs, right?
So, yeah, and it sounds amazing, right?
Until you take my bra off.
'Cause I'm sure when you take
your bra off, they're like, you know,
right up there. But it's there.
And then I take my bra off,
and they deploy like two airbags.
[laughter and applause]
Like, my titties hang low. I could throw
my titties over my back, like it's...
[laughter]
It gets aggressive. I've two cats,
and sometimes when I walk around
with no bra, they think
it's a scratch toy, and just...
[laughter]
So sometimes I have to dip my titties
in catnip and...
[laughter]
But I was looking at the guy behind you.
Are you single, sir?
No? Where your bitch at?
[laughter]
Oh, you didn't think there was gonna be
a follow-up question, huh?
Yeah.
I done been through this before, sir.
Trust me.
I love men who don't like me.
That's why I love gay men.
Like, I've tried to fuck every gay man
I've ever met.
- I'll change them. Don't worry.
- [laughter]
Where's your lady at?
Mm-hm. So you didn't want to bring
the bitch here to see me
'cause you was gonna fuck me
tonight, right? [chuckles]
[cheering and applause]
I know.
I'm fuckable.
[laughter]
I am. I like to do things in the bedroom.
I've been trying to be, like, more, like,
I don't know, experimental?
Because it took me so long to have sex,
now, when I have sex with a guy,
I wanna act like I know what I'm doing,
so I'm always like, "Well,
whatever you want to do, I'll do it."
I did this with this guy that I met.
I didn't know him like that,
so maybe I shouldn't have said that
to him.
I go, "Whatever you want to do
in the bedroom, we can do it."
And he goes,
"I wanna cum on your face!"
- And I go, "What?"
- [laughter]
Like I was so...
That's how we are as women.
We're so generous. We're, like, loving.
We're like, we just want to make
the guy feel comfortable.
Whatever you want to do, I'll do it.
He's like "I want to cum on your face."
I'm like, "Motherfucker, you ain't had
nothing else on your list?
[laughter]
Like, I don't know you like that!
We met on Craigslist!
- You know what I'm saying?" Like...
- [laughter]
Cum on the face.
I'm sitting there like... [puffing]
"Shit.
Now I gotta let this motherfucker cum
on my face."
'Cause I said it. I don't want to be an
asshole and be like, "Psych!" [chuckles]
There's no way to prepare yourself...
to have somebody cum on your face.
There's no... And you can't take too long,
like as soon as they say it,
you gotta be like, "All right."
[laughter]
'Cause if you wait...
if you wait too long,
you gonna... It's...
[stammers]
- [exhales]
- [laughter]
Cumming on the face is one of the most...
unholy things.
It's unholy! It's... But you have to get
in one of the most holy positions, right?
'Cause you have to get down on your knees
and open your arms up to God...
- [breathing nervously]
- [laughter]
...as this dick just hovers...
[continues breathing nervously]
- [whimpering] Okay.
- [quavering]
Okay, okay. Wait...
[nervous rapid breathing]
Okay. [nervous panting}
All right. Okay. All right.
[chuckles nervously]
That's in my mouth. Okay.
My nose. Okay.
And then you have...
The guy has to get ready.
Like, the guy... you know, 'cause he...
you know...
[laughter]
[laughter continues]
This is every guy!
Guys... You guys look fucking stupid!
[laughter and applause]
- You look so stupid!
- [cheers]
Men, just try... You guys need to take
a class on how to be sexy.
When women, when we touch ourselves,
we be giving a show, like,
"Oh, ooh, aah, Daddy!"
And guys are like...
[retching] [barking gibberish]
It's like,
"Nigga, are you about to throw up?"
[laughter]
And you're sitting there as he...
as he jerks and he jerks.
And then all you hear is...
- [rapid quavering and rubbing sounds]
- [laughter]
And it sounds like somebody moving
hot dogs around in a package.
[laughter]
And then you sit there...
[panting]
...and you don't know when it's gonna
happen. It's a fucked up jack-in-the-box.
[laughter]
♪ Da la la la la la la
Da la la la la ♪
[pants]
♪ La la la la... ♪
[pants]
♪ La la la-la ♪
[coughs] [laughter and applause]
[cheering] [applause continues]
[laughter]
[laughter]
[laughter] [breathing heavily]
- [whimpering] "Hello?
- [laughter]
Hello, are you there?
Hello? Where'd you go?"
'Cause he's fucking passed out!
And you're sitting there with this shit
in your face, and it's hardening,
and you're like, "Oh my God!"
Oh my God! I just wanted to be nice
to him! It was Christmas!"
[whimpering]
And it's got real.
That got real for a lot of women
because a lot of women in here...
they know that happened to them.
[laughter]
As I look out on the faces
of some of the women,
your faces are glowing.
I know there's bitches out here
- that have cum on their face.
- [laughter]
It's a fucked-up game that women play.
I feel like, as a woman,
we're always playing games,
and then this shit never works
in our favor.
And a lot of it is because, still,
as much as we've progressed
in this society,
we're still talked to as women,
like we're dumb
and we don't know what to do.
Like every decision we make has to come
from a fucking man,
men have to tell us how to be.
This is how it is. I'm telling you.
I was watching TV the other day,
and I said, "Men have even fucked up
the tampon-pad game for us."
Do you understand?
They have fucked the game up.
I was watching a television commercial
for a fucking tampon
and it's for the new active tampon.
And there's a bitch on the box,
and she's actively playing tennis
with her fucking legs up,
and moving around,
and I'm like, "Wha-- Time out!"
Why is this bitch playing tennis
on her period?
[laughter]
Why are bitches so active on their pe--
- Bitch, you bleeding! Go sit down!
- [laughter]
But no, all the bitches gotta be
active now, right?
All of them gotta fucking be active
and I feel like, number one,
that's the thing that happens in America,
all the bitches like, "No,
I'm on my period, I'ma keep going,
I can do it all." And it's like,
"No, you can't. Go sit down, bitch."
'Cause in some parts of the world,
in certain villages,
they kick you out of the village
when you bleeding,
'cause they don't want bears.
You know what I mean?
[laughter]
They're like, "Get the fuck out, bitch.
And take this grizzly with you.
Go. Go for a week, bitch. Skip."
But men are writing these fucking ta--
I'm telling you.
No woman is writing
these fucking tampon commercials.
Listen. I saw a tampon commercial.
It was a guy and girl in a boat,
and the boat was leaking.
The guy's in the boat. He says, "Uh-oh!
The boat's leaking!"
She goes, "Hold on a second."
And she starts to rustle
through her purse.
And I'm looking at this commercial,
I'm like, "If this bitch pulls out
anything other than a life raft,
I'ma kill her."
[laughter]
She's rustling through her purse.
She pulls out a tampon and goes,
"I got it!"
And then she puts it in the boat and then
they're still rowing along on this tampon.
And I'm like, "What a fucking idiot!
Bitch, you pull out a light day.
Your boat is going down.
You need two supers and a pad.
What are you doing?"
[laughter]
And she plugs it in,
and they're sailing along
like nothing's going on,
and I'm thinking,
obviously a man wrote that,
and thought women are gonna be like,
"Oh my God!
- Look how absorbent that is!"
- [laughter]
And I'm thinking to myself,
any woman that's bleeding that much
that you can be compared
to a body of water,
- go to the hospital!
- [laughter]
What the fuck you worrying about ta--
Bitch, this is not a per--
You're dying!
You know what I mean?
Like, you're not okay.
And you don't need this level
of absorbency!
I'm telling you, it's gonna be a war
between skinny women and fat women,
even over pads. I'm telling you.
It's happening. I saw it.
It's coming. We're gonna have a war.
We're gonna be killing in the streets.
Slashing bitches.
"Get the fuck outta here, bitch!"
Because now they've come out
with the fat pad.
They have come out with a plus-size pad
for fat bitches.
Like our pussy is so out of control,
that we need
a whole level of different pad.
And it's different than the skinny pad.
Skinny pad is in a purple box,
and it's got little flowers on it.
It's called Always.
Always, like it's a little secret,
you know...
[whispering]
..."My blood is a little secret."
And it's got wings and shit,
'cause, I guess, bitches so thin,
they float up in the air,
and they got to glide down.
[whispers] Always!
And then,
the fat pad is called Forever, and...
[laughter]
It's in a black box and there's, like,
three dudes beatboxing in the back,
"P-p-p, p-p-pads!" You know, and shit.
And then the bitch come out, through
smoke. "I'm on my period!" [growls]
It's a huge box!
And a huge pad! It's only... so big, it's
only one pad that you can fit in the bo--
I got 99 boxes at home right now,
for one week.
[laughter]
Huge!
And you can't go swimming
with the fat pad, no! You can't!
'Cause you'll soak up
all the water in the pool.
And then you got kids going,
"Mommy, where's the water?"
They go, "It's in that bitch's pad!"
And now you got kids swimming
in your pad,
you gotta keep your pussy open
from 6 to 9,
'cause you can't close it on the kids.
You guys have been great!
Thank you guys so much!
Have a great evening. Thank you! [cheering and applause]
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Yamaneika Saunders!
[cheering and applause]
Hello!
Hi! How are you guys?
Oh, I love that. I love that.
- I wore my trashiest shit, okay?
- [cheers]
Trashy! Yeah.
'Cause I also gotta find a man,
so if this shit don't work out,
I'm fucking somebody in this crowd, okay?
[laughs]
Also, I have this on because I like to air
my pussy out. It gets hot!
[laughter]
You know, when you got that hot pussy... [faint guffawing]
And I'm doing Kegels too,
so sometimes I, like...
You know what I mean?
I gotta, like, crunch my shit together
and then I put a hot dog in there
just to haul it around for the day.
And I got my hot dog in my pussy.
[laughs]
I'm such a dirty bitch.
Fuck it! Who cares?
- Who fucking cares?
- [cheers and applause]
I think I got dirtier
when I moved to New York.
I've been in New York for, like, 18 years
and it changed me
as a person, you know,
'cause New York's really tough.
When I first moved there from Maryland,
I was a skinny white woman.
- And then...
- [laughter]
I had to morph into this bitch to survive!
[laughs awkwardly]
- What the fuck you want, nigga? [laughs]
- [laughter]
No, you gotta be tough there 'cause
everything is coming at you
at so many different angles.
You know, when I first moved there,
I had to get used to the homeless people.
Homeless people in New York,
they're the, mwah, best!
[laughter]
I had a homeless man come up to me.
I was at the bus stop.
- 'Cause that's where fat bitches hang.
- [laughter]
I was at the bus stop,
this homeless man comes up to me and goes,
"Gimme some toilet paper!
I need some toilet paper!
- Gimme some toilet paper right now!"
- [laughter]
And I was like, "Oh my God!" I wasn't
prepared to give him toilet paper,
'cause I didn't know
I have to wipe my ass at the bus stop.
He says to me, "If you don't give me
some toilet paper right now,
I'ma shit and piss right here,
I'ma shit...
and piss right here!" And I was like,
"First of all, nigga, you smell
like shit and piss!"
I mean, you know what I'm saying? Like...
"This is what you comin' with, so, what's
the incentive?" You know what I'm saying?
[laughter]
So...
[faint laughter continues]
But I gave him my number,
'cause I'm single, so I hope he calls me.
- [Yamaneika giggling]
- [laughter and applause]
I be throwing my pussy out everywhere.
I gotta... [giggles]
I do! I throw it out, I...
Let me tell you something.
I like to get drunk.
- [laughter]
- [Yamaneika chuckles faintly]
I do! I drink, you know,
and I like to keep up with my friends.
I drink, and, you know,
and people go,
"Oh, it's fine. She's a big girl.
It's all right.
She's a big girl with more weight.
She's all right."
And it's like, no, I'm not all right.
I have, like, one Heineken, I'm selling
my pussy on the corner for 25 cents! So...
[laughter and applause]
I'ma suck somebody's dick tonight
off of this shit.
[laughter]
I get drunk,
and I can't hold my liquor,
and then I...
drunk call my ex boyfriend,
which I've told
my girlfriends not to let me do that. You know. We all, as women, make a pact
with our friends.
We're like, "Listen, girl.
You know what the deal is. Don't let me call this motherfucker.
I hate him."
Right? And you go,
"Like, under no circumstance,
let me call this motherfucker. I'm ser--
Like, girl, don't..."
And your friend's like, "No, girl.
We promise. We're not...
We're gonna take your phone,
and you're gonna be fine. It's all good!
It's all good!"
And then you fucking kick back drinks,
and then you go to your phone,
they're like, "No, girl! Stop!"
You're like, "Fuck you, bitch!
Fuck you! You got a fucking man!
I gotta call this nigga
'cause I gotta talk to him
about some shit right now!"
You know? And you be drunk
and be dialing the phone.
- [mimicking beeping keypads]
- [laughter]
You know, you know the nigga's number.
[continues mimicking]
[faint laughter]
I get angry.
And then you call, and then you...
you remember when the phone's ringing,
- "Oh, I shouldn't call this motherfucker!"
- [laughter]
I... My last boyfriend dumped me
over text message,
and I didn't even have a plan!
You understand? Like...
I spent ten cents
for this nigga to dump me. Like I...
I shouldn't be calling him,
but I'm calling him,
because, like, I need the dick!
I need the dick!
And I think you guys don't understand.
Sometimes girls just need the fucking dick
and we want the dick we used to fuck!
We don't want to learn new dick.
I just want to fuck you. I...
I already taught you the moves.
You know what I'm saying? Like...
It's a whole thing.
When you fuck a new guy,
and if he don't know how to fuck,
you gotta teach him new moves!
Like, when my boyfriend left me,
I was like, "Nigga, I want my moves back!"
- You know what I mean?
- [laughter]
"You was fucking up my pussy
when I first met you.
Give me them fucking moves back!"
And I just want to fuck him
so I don't have to learn some dude again.
But guys don't understand, when women say
we want to come back to you,
it's not 'cause your dick is amazing,
'cause that's what guys do.
"Oh, yeah, this bitch wants this dick!"
And they talk to their friends about it.
"Yeah, she's on my fucking nuts!"
And it's like, no! We're not on your nuts!
It's just we all know each other, right?
It's more like your dick is memory foam.
[laughter]
Right?
It's just memory foam!
And I just want to go back
to my Sleep Number.
You know what I mean?
- I don't give a fuck about you!
- [laughter]
[faint laughter]
I hate my ex-boyfriend!
I fucking hate him!
He was a fat motherfucker!
You ever give a fat nigga a chance,
and then they fucking le--
- Where the fuck are you going?
- [laughter and applause]
Who the fuck is trying to fuck you?
He was a fat motherfucker,
I'm a big bitch,
we're in there, fucking,
everybody's titties is everywhere.
Titties here, titties on his back, and...
and it was like fat smells and shit,
like we'd be fucking, and it'd smell
like a barbecue was happening.
You know? So every time we'd fuck,
it'd smell like Memorial Day.
- Like, it was just...
- [faint hysterical laughter]
[laughter continues]
I worked for him!
I put in work!
Appreciate the work I put...
He was a fat fuck
- whose dick was inside his fucking mound!
- [laughter]
His dick was in his mou--
I had to...
You ever have to do this move,
to carve a nigga's dick out?
- I was cu-- I was digging for the dick!
- [faint laughter]
Why the fuck am I di--
Like, it was in there!
It wa-- Sometimes I had to kick him
in the stomach,
just so his dick would po--
Be like, bip, nigga! Come on!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- [Yamaneika making panting sounds]
- [maniacal laughter]
And he think he doing something!
"Oh, yeah!
Ooh-ahh! Ooh-ahh! Ooh..."
And then he'd be sweating on top of me
and shit, I have to fuck him,
pull out an umbrella, phoo!
"All right, nigga! Like..." [grunts]
[laughter]
[rapid panting, moaning]
[panting and moaning slowing down]
[breathing slowly]
"You feel that?
Huh? You feel that?"
I'm like, "No, you've been fucking
my navel for 20 minutes!
[laughter]
I didn't feel it.
Did you feel that my pussy wasn't wet?
That's my fucking navel!"
[hysterical laughter] I fucking hated him.
I hated him 'cause I did so much shit
for him, too.
He used to watch porn.
Let's talk about the porn dudes, okay?
Like, for real.
Y'all gotta stop watching
this fucking porn.
Look at me, motherfucker!
[uproarious laughter]
Stop with the porn. I'm telling you,
all you guys right now,
you gotta be fucking realistic.
You watch the porn,
these bitches is going crazy,
and you want every bitch
you're with to go crazy like that bitch,
but guess what.
That bitch is getting paid!
[laughter and applause]
We're not getting paid.
This is more like pro bono work.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, nigga, I'm volunteering right now,
so, yeah, I'm not doing all that shit.
It's fucking hard! How you doing, baby?
You a big boy. When I was talking about
big niggas, why you ain't say nothing?
[laughter] -That's your lady right there?
- [indistinct]
Yeah? How long y'all been together?
About 16 years.
16 years? Nigga, you look 12!
[laughter]
- You married?
- No.
[laughter]
[laughter]
Why the fuck would you be
with a nigga for 16 years,
and not be...Do you have
a life insurance out on this nigga?
'Cause he look like he got diabetes,
so, you know what I'm saying? Like...
- [laughter and applause]
- Nigga, you gonna have to die!
16 fucking years!
Y'all, lemme tell y'all something. I got
into the fuck business late, okay?
I did. I got... This is why
I'm out here now, like fuck it.
I don't give a fuck anymore. It...
I grew up in a Christian household.
So I didn't have sex until 27 years old.
That's the first time I had sex,
and let me tell you something.
My pussy was so tight...
[laughter]
...it was like opening up a bag of chips.
Like, it was...
[imitating air hissing sound]
[laughter]
My shit was tight!
And I was nervous because
my grandmother was in my head,
with all, you know, "Don't be having sex!
You know, Jesus is watching!" And you're like, "Oh!
- Is he here?"
- [laughter]
Right? 'Cause when you're with a guy,
you're like, touching, caressing and shit,
and he want to put his fingers
in your pussy, and you're like,
"Wait a minute, um...
- Let's be quiet for a second.
- [laughter]
I think Jesus might be in here.
[laughter]
Might have to turn the lights down."
I remember...
[faint laughter]
No, but I fucked for the first time
at 27 years old, and...
I just thought the experience was gonna be
like, magical, you know?
Like, I was like, "This guy, he's gonna
ravish me and he's gonna enter me.
And I'm just gonna become a woman,
and, and you know,
he's gonna come swoop me up,
on, like, a white horse."
And I don't know why I thought
he was gonna swoop me on a white horse,
because I'm a big bitch, so if he did,
him and the horse was both gonna go down.
Like, "Come on, bitch!"
And the horse be like...
[distressed neighing]
But I thought he was gonna, like...
turn me into this woman, and I just...
and he's...
You know, he was gonna fuck me,
and then, I had to sit there.
It was such an awkward thing
because, you know, this was my first time
seeing a live penis,
and, you know, I'm sitting there
and I'm waiting
for the penis, and he's, you know, like,
"Okay, I gotta pull my pants down,"
and then he's like, "All right, just so
you know I'm getting ready for you, baby."
And he felt so much pressure,
and then sometimes, as women,
when we have to see a penis
for the first time on a guy,
we go, "Oh! Oh... that's okay!
It's, it's all right, sweetie!" And...
The guy's like, "Oh, I'm so nervous!"
And, you know, turn the lights down,
and cut the heat up, you know,
'cause I don't... I just want you to know,
I wanna present the best to you.
And then we sit there, as women,
and we go, "Oh, that's okay, darling.
It's fine. Do whatever you want."
But it's like, "No, fuck that!
Like, nigga...
[stammering]...what's going on?
[laughter]
- You got a dick or not?" Like, it's not...
- [laughter]
Like, women are always like,
"It's so much pressure for the guy!"
It's pressure for us, too!
No matter what this guy pulls out,
your face can't cha-- [stammering]
You ever see a guy pull out a dick
and it ain't... and you're like...
- [Yamaneika giggling]
- [laughter]
[nervously giggling]
And I have sucked so many...
small di--
I've sucked so many small dicks.
You ever suck a dick so small, you go,
"Can I-- Can I fill out
a W9 and get some money back?"
[laughter]
Right? Like, I feel like...
I need to get money back, like, your balls
and your dick are like a dependent.
- You know what I mean? Like...
- [laughter]
The guy I fucked for the first time,
he didn't have, like, a... you know...
straight dick.
I was expecting it just to be like,
"Whoosh!"
And it was, it was like, hooked.
It was curved, and I was like,
"Well, how the fuck I'ma fuck him?
Do I gotta go around the corner
and fuck him? Like..." [laughs]
[laughter]
I mean you gotta open yourself up and...
and the guy's gotta enter you,
and I just thought, like, sparkles...
were gonna shoot up out of his dick,
and I was gonna be different, and... and he fucked me
and there was no sparkle.
There was no sparkle, and I was like,
"Fuck, there must be something wrong
here," so I just start...
fucking other guys,
looking for the sparkle.
So I just start fucking a guy,
looking for sparkle. No sparkle.
Fuck this guy, looking for sparkle.
No sparkle. Fuck this guy. Looking for...
No sparkle. I kept fucking dudes,
for the sparkle.
I never found the sparkle,
but my pussy was burning. So...
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
[whooping]
[louder laughter and applause]
[cheering]
You can sell that on eBay.
But it was fine. It was fine.
I fucked the guy, and it's...
And I'm fucking now. I'm fucking now.
That's what I'm doing, I'm out there.
I'm fucking. Who cares? Who cares?
And I'm not gonna be slut-shamed.
I'm gonna fuck whoever the fuck I want,
and it's fine.
I had a guy try to slut-shame me,
he found out I was fucking other guys.
He's like, "I can't believe
you're fucking other guys."
If you want to lock this down,
put a ring on it.
Beyoncé done told you what the fuck to do!
Nigga, you better uh-uh-oh!
[cheering and laughter] I gotta fuck all kinds of different guys.
Old guys, young guys.
Young guys are different.
You know, young guys, you know, it's...
Whatever.
- [Yamaneika scoffs]
- [laughter]
You want to look at a young guy,
it's fine,
but the fucking is like, whatever.
It's like, you know,
'cause the motherfucker's so involved
in, like,
war of crafts, whatever the fuck
they're doing, PS4.
It's like you can't get
a young guy to fuck you right
unless your pussy's a controller.
You know what I mean?
You fuck a young guy, the only way
you gonna get off is
if you tell a nigga,
"Left, Right, Up, Down, A A A."
[laughter]
Like, I need an old dude now,
like you know,
a motherfucker that puts his shoes on
for traction,
will throw some talcum powder
on the ground, put some socks on,
and fuck you right. You know,
he'd be like, "Come on. Come on, bitch!
I got you. Don't worry.
Oh, my knee's about to give up,
but that's all right.
This dick's still good."
[laughter]
I don't know who or what I'm gonna fuck
or what I'm gonna end up with.
I think about that a lot.
Like, what type of guy
am I gonna end up with?
I didn't have any real role models
when it came to women, right?
I don't think any of us did
that grew up in my generation,
because the only bitch we had
was Barbie, and that was a dumb bitch.
Barbie was a dumb...
dumb bitch.
The reason why we fucking up
as women is because of fucking Barbie.
I'm just telling you.
Barbie had 900 jobs.
She was president, accountant,
she was a secretary, bitch sold Avon,
sold lemonade, she was Cardi B
for two weeks for some reason.
You know, she was doing it all!
And she's fucking with a dude...
- that ain't got no fucking job!
- [laughter]
She's fucking with Ken.
Ken ain't got no job, and no dick!
What the fuck's she with him for?
[laughter and applause]
Why would you fuck Ken?
At least fuck G.I. Joe, he got a couple
missiles he can stick up your pussy!
[laughter and applause]
It's... it's fucking insane!
What are you looking at?
[laughter]
Not you.
[woman] I fucking been looking at
your boobs the whole time!
Oh, you have?
That's cute! You have great boobs.
I was looking at the guy behind you,
but let me talk to you for a second.
You have amazing boo--
These are, like, 44Gs, right?
So, yeah, and it sounds amazing, right?
Until you take my bra off.
'Cause I'm sure when you take
your bra off, they're like, you know,
right up there. But it's there.
And then I take my bra off,
and they deploy like two airbags.
[laughter and applause]
Like, my titties hang low. I could throw
my titties over my back, like it's...
[laughter]
It gets aggressive. I've two cats,
and sometimes when I walk around
with no bra, they think
it's a scratch toy, and just...
[laughter]
So sometimes I have to dip my titties
in catnip and...
[laughter]
But I was looking at the guy behind you.
Are you single, sir?
No? Where your bitch at?
[laughter]
Oh, you didn't think there was gonna be
a follow-up question, huh?
Yeah.
I done been through this before, sir.
Trust me.
I love men who don't like me.
That's why I love gay men.
Like, I've tried to fuck every gay man
I've ever met.
- I'll change them. Don't worry.
- [laughter]
Where's your lady at?
Mm-hm. So you didn't want to bring
the bitch here to see me
'cause you was gonna fuck me
tonight, right? [chuckles]
[cheering and applause]
I know.
I'm fuckable.
[laughter]
I am. I like to do things in the bedroom.
I've been trying to be, like, more, like,
I don't know, experimental?
Because it took me so long to have sex,
now, when I have sex with a guy,
I wanna act like I know what I'm doing,
so I'm always like, "Well,
whatever you want to do, I'll do it."
I did this with this guy that I met.
I didn't know him like that,
so maybe I shouldn't have said that
to him.
I go, "Whatever you want to do
in the bedroom, we can do it."
And he goes,
"I wanna cum on your face!"
- And I go, "What?"
- [laughter]
Like I was so...
That's how we are as women.
We're so generous. We're, like, loving.
We're like, we just want to make
the guy feel comfortable.
Whatever you want to do, I'll do it.
He's like "I want to cum on your face."
I'm like, "Motherfucker, you ain't had
nothing else on your list?
[laughter]
Like, I don't know you like that!
We met on Craigslist!
- You know what I'm saying?" Like...
- [laughter]
Cum on the face.
I'm sitting there like... [puffing]
"Shit.
Now I gotta let this motherfucker cum
on my face."
'Cause I said it. I don't want to be an
asshole and be like, "Psych!" [chuckles]
There's no way to prepare yourself...
to have somebody cum on your face.
There's no... And you can't take too long,
like as soon as they say it,
you gotta be like, "All right."
[laughter]
'Cause if you wait...
if you wait too long,
you gonna... It's...
[stammers]
- [exhales]
- [laughter]
Cumming on the face is one of the most...
unholy things.
It's unholy! It's... But you have to get
in one of the most holy positions, right?
'Cause you have to get down on your knees
and open your arms up to God...
- [breathing nervously]
- [laughter]
...as this dick just hovers...
[continues breathing nervously]
- [whimpering] Okay.
- [quavering]
Okay, okay. Wait...
[nervous rapid breathing]
Okay. [nervous panting}
All right. Okay. All right.
[chuckles nervously]
That's in my mouth. Okay.
My nose. Okay.
And then you have...
The guy has to get ready.
Like, the guy... you know, 'cause he...
you know...
[laughter]
[laughter continues]
This is every guy!
Guys... You guys look fucking stupid!
[laughter and applause]
- You look so stupid!
- [cheers]
Men, just try... You guys need to take
a class on how to be sexy.
When women, when we touch ourselves,
we be giving a show, like,
"Oh, ooh, aah, Daddy!"
And guys are like...
[retching] [barking gibberish]
It's like,
"Nigga, are you about to throw up?"
[laughter]
And you're sitting there as he...
as he jerks and he jerks.
And then all you hear is...
- [rapid quavering and rubbing sounds]
- [laughter]
And it sounds like somebody moving
hot dogs around in a package.
[laughter]
And then you sit there...
[panting]
...and you don't know when it's gonna
happen. It's a fucked up jack-in-the-box.
[laughter]
♪ Da la la la la la la
Da la la la la ♪
[pants]
♪ La la la la... ♪
[pants]
♪ La la la-la ♪
[coughs] [laughter and applause]
[cheering] [applause continues]
[laughter]
[laughter]
[laughter] [breathing heavily]
- [whimpering] "Hello?
- [laughter]
Hello, are you there?
Hello? Where'd you go?"
'Cause he's fucking passed out!
And you're sitting there with this shit
in your face, and it's hardening,
and you're like, "Oh my God!"
Oh my God! I just wanted to be nice
to him! It was Christmas!"
[whimpering]
And it's got real.
That got real for a lot of women
because a lot of women in here...
they know that happened to them.
[laughter]
As I look out on the faces
of some of the women,
your faces are glowing.
I know there's bitches out here
- that have cum on their face.
- [laughter]
It's a fucked-up game that women play.
I feel like, as a woman,
we're always playing games,
and then this shit never works
in our favor.
And a lot of it is because, still,
as much as we've progressed
in this society,
we're still talked to as women,
like we're dumb
and we don't know what to do.
Like every decision we make has to come
from a fucking man,
men have to tell us how to be.
This is how it is. I'm telling you.
I was watching TV the other day,
and I said, "Men have even fucked up
the tampon-pad game for us."
Do you understand?
They have fucked the game up.
I was watching a television commercial
for a fucking tampon
and it's for the new active tampon.
And there's a bitch on the box,
and she's actively playing tennis
with her fucking legs up,
and moving around,
and I'm like, "Wha-- Time out!"
Why is this bitch playing tennis
on her period?
[laughter]
Why are bitches so active on their pe--
- Bitch, you bleeding! Go sit down!
- [laughter]
But no, all the bitches gotta be
active now, right?
All of them gotta fucking be active
and I feel like, number one,
that's the thing that happens in America,
all the bitches like, "No,
I'm on my period, I'ma keep going,
I can do it all." And it's like,
"No, you can't. Go sit down, bitch."
'Cause in some parts of the world,
in certain villages,
they kick you out of the village
when you bleeding,
'cause they don't want bears.
You know what I mean?
[laughter]
They're like, "Get the fuck out, bitch.
And take this grizzly with you.
Go. Go for a week, bitch. Skip."
But men are writing these fucking ta--
I'm telling you.
No woman is writing
these fucking tampon commercials.
Listen. I saw a tampon commercial.
It was a guy and girl in a boat,
and the boat was leaking.
The guy's in the boat. He says, "Uh-oh!
The boat's leaking!"
She goes, "Hold on a second."
And she starts to rustle
through her purse.
And I'm looking at this commercial,
I'm like, "If this bitch pulls out
anything other than a life raft,
I'ma kill her."
[laughter]
She's rustling through her purse.
She pulls out a tampon and goes,
"I got it!"
And then she puts it in the boat and then
they're still rowing along on this tampon.
And I'm like, "What a fucking idiot!
Bitch, you pull out a light day.
Your boat is going down.
You need two supers and a pad.
What are you doing?"
[laughter]
And she plugs it in,
and they're sailing along
like nothing's going on,
and I'm thinking,
obviously a man wrote that,
and thought women are gonna be like,
"Oh my God!
- Look how absorbent that is!"
- [laughter]
And I'm thinking to myself,
any woman that's bleeding that much
that you can be compared
to a body of water,
- go to the hospital!
- [laughter]
What the fuck you worrying about ta--
Bitch, this is not a per--
You're dying!
You know what I mean?
Like, you're not okay.
And you don't need this level
of absorbency!
I'm telling you, it's gonna be a war
between skinny women and fat women,
even over pads. I'm telling you.
It's happening. I saw it.
It's coming. We're gonna have a war.
We're gonna be killing in the streets.
Slashing bitches.
"Get the fuck outta here, bitch!"
Because now they've come out
with the fat pad.
They have come out with a plus-size pad
for fat bitches.
Like our pussy is so out of control,
that we need
a whole level of different pad.
And it's different than the skinny pad.
Skinny pad is in a purple box,
and it's got little flowers on it.
It's called Always.
Always, like it's a little secret,
you know...
[whispering]
..."My blood is a little secret."
And it's got wings and shit,
'cause, I guess, bitches so thin,
they float up in the air,
and they got to glide down.
[whispers] Always!
And then,
the fat pad is called Forever, and...
[laughter]
It's in a black box and there's, like,
three dudes beatboxing in the back,
"P-p-p, p-p-pads!" You know, and shit.
And then the bitch come out, through
smoke. "I'm on my period!" [growls]
It's a huge box!
And a huge pad! It's only... so big, it's
only one pad that you can fit in the bo--
I got 99 boxes at home right now,
for one week.
[laughter]
Huge!
And you can't go swimming
with the fat pad, no! You can't!
'Cause you'll soak up
all the water in the pool.
And then you got kids going,
"Mommy, where's the water?"
They go, "It's in that bitch's pad!"
And now you got kids swimming
in your pad,
you gotta keep your pussy open
from 6 to 9,
'cause you can't close it on the kids.
You guys have been great!
Thank you guys so much!
Have a great evening. Thank you! [cheering and applause]