The Degenerates (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Brad Williams - full transcript
Give it up for Brad Williams!
Las Vegas, how are we tonight?
Aha!
I love that you guys are here.
Thanks for being here.
So glad you're here watching me.
You guys have made an
excellent decision tonight.
Excellent decision.
Because your story tonight
will beat your friends' story,
no matter what the fuck they did, okay?
Your story wins.
'Cause your friends will try to make you
jealous in Vegas, they will.
And be like,
"You should've hang out with me, man.
We went out to this strip club
that had a one-armed stripper.
- She did a cartwheel, it was ridiculous."
"What kind of lame shit did you do?"
You be like, "A midget told me jokes,
fuck you, I win."
And then...
And then you win,
'cause that's happening right now.
- A midget is telling you jokes.
That's real.
That's real.
When midgets tell you jokes,
that's not a night out,
- that's a NyQuil dream, okay.
That's some medieval king shit, just like,
"Bring me my joke midget!"
And I just run out and go, "Dilly-Dilly."
I'm glad you guys are here, this is my
favorite part of the show, right up front.
It's the part of show
where you look at the audience
and see the looks on people's faces
who obviously had no idea
who they were seeing tonight.
You had no idea.
Maybe your friend brought you here.
Maybe you were even talkin' shit
on the way here.
"Why we gotta go to a comedy show?
It's not even gonna be that funny."
And then a dwarf walked out on the stage
and you're like, "I was mistaken."
'Cause you know this is gonna be good.
Dwarfs are hilarious.
I'm just glad you're out.
You're out, you're not at home
watching the news
and just getting mad at yourself,
mad at your friends.
'Cause the news gets you mad at people.
They say things like,
"The country's divided right now.
It's divided."
It's not divided, okay?
All right? We disagree on
a couple of things,
but overall we're on the same page.
Hell, look in the audience tonight:
we got men, women,
gay, straight, black, white.
Red state, blue state,
all in the same room, at the same time,
thinking the exact same thing:
"Midgets are funny."
That's it.
'Cause I don't care what your stance is
on gun control or abortion.
Nobody is anti-dwarf.
Nobody.
No one's out front right now
protesting like,
"These fucking midgets!
- They're comin' into our country!
They're takin' our jobs!
We got to build the curb higher."
In fact, that's the only way Trump
will get a 100% approval rating.
He just has to come out,
make a speech and be like,
"Listen, we've got the best
midgets. They're absolutely spectacular.
Unbelievable midgets, unbelievable.
Everyone tells us
how good our midgets are.
Here's my plan, I'm gonna build a wall,
I'm gonna put a doggy-door in there
for the midgets.
Everyone asks me all the time.
They say, 'Donald, how do you know so much
about little people?'
I say, 'Look at my hands.'"
That's a tough job
being president, though.
I could never be president.
I don't think we're ever
going to have a dwarf president.
Obviously because...
podiums.
They fucking suck.
The first day on the job.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.
Son of a bitch!
Horrible.
And the other job I don't think I could do
would be like if you guys
were going to the hospital tonight
and your surgeon came out,
they look like me and be like,
"I will be performing your surgery,"
and you'd be like, "Fuck this hospital."
- All right.
"I do not trust this hospital.
How is he gonna heal me with lucky charms?
That's not a real thing.
Fucking Obamacare. Can't even get
a full That's bullshit."
I'm glad to be here in Las Vegas, though.
You guys are fun.
But I'm glad to be performing for you
'cause dwarfs make everything better.
They do. We make everything better.
Dwarfs are
the chocolate sprinkles of life.
Making... Even creepy things.
Like for instance...
Uh... Sir, I'm not gonna
pick on you, I promise.
I'm literally pointing you out,
'cause, look at you, you look like
the nicest teddy bear ever, okay?
You're a good dude, man.
I bet you are a good guy.
But if you walked up to a strange woman
and grabbed her by the wrist and was like,
"Hey, I'm gonna take you to the woods."
- It got very uncomfortable here right now.
Very uncomfortable.
The only sound you heard was of
vaginas slamming shut.
That's nothing to do with you.
That's not a reflection
of who you are as a human being.
They've just seen
one Lifetime movie and go,
- "That's not a good idea, eh!"
But if I walked up to a strange woman
and grabbed her by the wrist,
and was like,
"Hey, I'm gonna take you to the woods."
She'd be like,
"Oh, are we gonna look for treasure?"
She'd be happy as shit.
Some of you won't laugh at that, I get it.
That's a creepy joke, it is.
It's a creepy joke. Some of you didn't
wanna laugh at that 'cause you didn't want
someone to call you a creep
or assume you're a creep.
That's the worst you could be nowadays.
It is not a good time
to be a creep.
- Um...
No, I don't feel bad for them
'cause it's like,
"Creeps, you had a hell of a run."
- Uh...
From the beginning of time
till the end of 2017.
And at the end of 2017,
that's when all the women got together
they had a meeting,
they sent out the message
on the vagina broadcast network.
VBN, trustworthy news source.
And that message was
very clear and simple, it was,
"We're not taking this shit anymore!"
And I love it, ladies.
I love what you're doing
with the Me Too Movement.
- I love what you're doing.
You're calling guys out,
now men are being more careful.
We're treating you with more respect and
we're being careful what we say,
what we do, how we act.
And it's brave
what you're doing, ladies, it's brave.
At the same time it's kinda crazy,
'cause every day...
every day it's somebody new.
Every day somebody new gets busted.
It's fun for the non-creeps.
We just get to wake up everyday,
check Twitter.
And every day it's somebody new. Hell.
Some of you guys probably
saw the news today about Tony Danza.
No, but you guys believed
that shit, didn't ya?
You believed it! If I'd said that a year
ago, you guys would have been like,
"Not Tony!" and now you're like,
"Makes a lot of sense.
I read that story,
I heard he grabbed a little boy
and said, 'I'll show you who's the boss.'"
- Uh...
But every day it's somebody new.
And sometimes it's someone you like.
Someone you respect.
And now you have that moral dilemma,
"Are you still allowed
to be a fan of that person,
but not agree with
what they did in their personal life?"
That happened to me.
When Louis C.K. got busted.
I love Louis C.K.'s comedy.
But I don't like what he was doing.
You know what I'm saying?
For those who don't know,
Louis C.K. was bringing women
to his hotel room and just...
...masturbating right in front of them.
That's not good.
Uh...
Men in the audience, uh...
if you're in the audience right now,
just a little rule of thumb.
If you ever have to ask yourself
the question,
"Should I take my dick out?"
The answer's "fucking no"!
Stop it. Don't do it.
It's never impressed the woman,
it's never made the situation better.
No one's ever been like,
"Oh, that party was horrible
until Tom took his cock out,
then it got really fun."
No!
It doesn't impress a woman
if you show her your dick, it doesn't.
You wanna impress a woman?
Show her a good credit score.
Walk around
That's what you do.
Why are you masturbating
in front of a woman?
That... You don't look good,
doing that activity.
No man does.
There's men in the audience, right now.
"I don't know, brother. I look pretty-- "
You don't.
And you know you don't look good.
- 'Cause every man's done the same thing.
We've all jerked off in a strange area,
we saw a mirror, we had no idea was there,
That happened to me.
I jerked off in a hotel room
one time, like,
Yeah! Uh... Agh!
- It's awful.
Why? Why are you masturbating
in front of a--
Maybe it's because men think
they look good masturbating
because, women, you look incredible
when you masturbate.
When women masturbate, oh, my god.
They're just, like, conducting,
- like a symphony of sex on their bodies.
You can tell I've been
with a lot of women
- if this is how I think they masturbate.
Women just get by themselves and go,
♪ "One little, two little,
three little titties..." ♪
Men, we're like half heart attack,
half stroke, it's like...
- It's not good.
Stop.
Why are men masturbating
in front of women?
It's never worked.
Ever. It's never worked.
No man has ever looked at a woman like,
"Hey, you wanna fuck?"
She's like, "No."
He's like, "How about now?"
- It never worked.
You guys all laughed
at me doing that
so maybe that's one more thing
dwarfs can make better.
- I... I don't know.
Now, 'cause I would never do this.
But if a dwarf locked you in a hotel room
and just started masturbating,
right in front of you,
you'd be horrified for, like, ten seconds
and after that you'd be like,
"It's actually kinda cute.
I had no idea he could reach it."
You guys are crazy, Vegas. I like you.
Vegas is a crazy city.
It's a crazy town, things happen here.
People always lookin' for famous people
when they come to Las Vegas.
You're looking for a celebrity.
Hell, I got approached. It was cool.
Like, I was on the way to the show tonight
and a dude just ran up to me and was like,
"I can't believe you're here."
I don't get recognized very often,
I'm not that famous.
So, when it happens I get really excited.
I like talking to people.
He's like, "What are you doing here?"
I'm like,
"I'm doing a stand-up show tonight.
Taping my Netflix special."
He's like, "You do stand up
Yeah...
He goes, "Oh, I just thought
you were on Game of Thrones."
- Motherfucker!
Shit, damn it!
Fuck!
I'm not gonna lie, that pissed me off,
okay? It pissed me off.
It shouldn't piss me off,
I should be used to it.
'Cause it happens to me, oh, I don't know,
Every day.
Not some days, all days.
This happens to all dwarfs.
All dwarfs get mistaken
for other little people.
Normally, it's the midget of the moment,
whoever that is.
So, like right now, we're all
the guy from Game of Thrones.
But ten years ago, we were all
Wee Man from Jackass.
And that sucked.
People thought I was Wee Man,
they would run up, kick me in the balls,
toss me into shopping carts. Horrible.
People think I'm the guy
from Game of Thrones, not that bad.
He's a good-looking dude, he's funny.
On the show, he bangs a lot of hookers.
Now I can run up to a random woman,
grab her by the leg and be like,
"I always pay my debts."
I can do that.
If you watch the show, that's hilarious.
If you don't watch the show, you have
no idea why people are laughing right now.
And that's funny to me.
All dwarfs get mistaken
for other little people.
All of us. I did a show one time
in Indianapolis, Indiana.
That
Yeah, then you know this.
They have a comedy club there,
and-- Yes, the name of the comedy club,
he said it. It's called...
Crackers.
- It's called Crackers.
Somebody did that.
Somebody opened up a comedy club in
Indiana
and called it Crackers.
How the fuck did they name it?
What should we call this place?
I don't know, look around.
Crackers.
I pray to God that guy
never opens up a club in Compton.
- That'd be horrible.
What should we call this one?
I don't know, look around.
You thought I was gonna say it
for one second, didn't you?
That was awesome.
I just got to look in the audience
and see the looks of horror
on the faces of white people.
You guys were just staring at me like,
"Don't do it, man.
Don't do it."
- And I was-- It got quiet in here.
The only sound I heard
was the sound of 200 white buttholes
- tightening in the exact same moment.
Don't get me wrong,
there's like three racist pieces of shit
that were just looking at me like,
- "Say it!
Say it!
I can't cum unless you say it!"
No.
I'll never say that word.
- 'Cause they can run faster than me.
Not a racial joke.
Everyone can run faster than me.
Not a big deal.
But I had to go to work that night.
I had to go to Crackers.
So I called up an Uber.
And my Uber driver that night
happens to be black.
Which mean now I have
to look at this guy and go,
"Hey, man!
Take me to Crackers."
And the look on his face is like,
"The fuck you just say?"
I'm like, "Hey,
it's not like that, we're just a lot
of people, coming together." He's like,
"Oh, you're having a meeting?" I was like,
"That's not what I meant at all."
Now we're going back and forth,
this guy hits me with the best
comeback I've heard in my life.
"You know what,
no big deal, you're just a cracker crumb."
I'm like, "Oh,
- fuck, that's funny."
He called me a "cracker crumb"!
That's a perfect insult, it's perfect.
The second he said it, the first thought
that popped into my head was,
"Now I have to join the KKK."
It was, legitimately.
Not 'cause I have hatred in my heart
or I think certain groups
are better than others, no.
I just think it'd be funny.
I think it'd be funny if I joined,
rose through the ranks,
then one day was known
as Grand Wizard Cracker Crumb.
And the midget KKK is not scary,
it's adorable, all right?
You'd just be looking at this like,
"Who's the little racist? Yes, you are!
Yes, you are."
We're not even wearing bed sheets,
just one pillow case.
I'm jumping out at people,
"I don't like the Jews!"
No one's afraid of the midget KKK,
fucking nobody.
We can be attacking your house,
you're not running.
You're calling in your partner.
"Honey!
Get in here!
You gotta see this shit!
It's the mini KKK, look, the mini--
No, you have time,
I built that two foot fence,
it's really slowing them down,
they're having a hard time getting--
You gotta come see
what the midget KKK is doin'.
They're burning lowercase T's
on the front yard."
So, the guy finally
dropped me off at Crackers.
Dropped me off at the comedy club.
I did what I always do when I go
to a comedy club. I did it tonight.
I go to the green room.
The green room is where the comedians
all hang out before the show.
So I walk back in the green room,
I open up the door.
There's another dwarf
sitting right there in the green room.
I don't know who he is.
He's not a comedian.
I'm just looking at him like, "Hi...
Sup?"
We don't have, like, a special greeting
for each other, all right?
It's not like I see another dwarf
and I have to go...
♪ Heigh
♪ Heigh-ho! ♪
Don't get me wrong, I would still
absolutely respond to that shit, okay?
Somebody yells out... ♪ Heigh-ho! ♪
I'd be like, "Oh, fuck!"
It's in my blood, okay? So...
I'm looking at this other dwarf, like,
"Dude, what the hell
are you doing in my green room?"
He looks at me, and goes,
"I don't know, Brad.
I came here to see you tonight, I walked
in the front door and the staff...
walked me right out back here
to the green room."
That happened!
How the fuck did that happen?
What if I'd been 20 minutes late?
Would they just toss
that poor bastard up on the stage?
You know, "Make them laugh, show em'..."
How the--
There were posters of me
out front of the comedy club that night,
advertising my shows that weekend.
Posters of me that had
pictures of me on them.
Life-size pictures of me on them.
This other guy looked nothing like me.
He walked in, the staff looked at him,
looked at the posters,
looked back at him and like,
"Hmm, there can't be two."
- Aah...
My life has changed a lot
since my last comedy special.
Uh, for one, I got married.
- Yeah, that thing, yeah.
- I did it!
To a woman!
- Aha!
To a tall woman.
That's right. I got one of yours.
My wife is awesome.
She's mixed race.
She's half-Chinese
and half-white.
Which means she looks...
Chinese.
Looks very Chinese.
But the half-white part of her
is from Wisconsin.
And that's where her accent comes from.
'Cause she looks Chinese, she looks...
Chinese.
So I thought in bed,
all I was going to hear was,
"Ah, me so horny...
Me so horny.
Me love you long time."
I don't get that, all I get it is,
"Oh, yah, right there, you betcha.
I wanted an Asian whore,
not the mom from Bobby's World.
Her safe word is "Doncha know".
It's stupid.
Nah, I love my wife, though.
She's great.
I even get along with my mother-in-law.
Mother
I love my mother-in-law.
Now, when I met her,
that did not go well.
When I met my mother-in-law,
that was not a good experience.
That wasn't her fault. Wasn't my fault.
It was my wife's fault.
I'll explain.
I'm meeting mother
Already a stressful situation,
when you meet the parent
of the person you're dating.
So I'm already on edge, I'm already
a little nervous, a little scared.
I'm reaching to ring the doorbell,
right before I ring it,
my wife looks at me and goes,
"Hey, so you know, never told her
you were a dwarf."
What?
Why?
She goes, "Oh, she's from San Francisco,
she's very tolerant."
I'm like, "I don't give a crap
how tolerant she is.
Needs a little heads-up."
"She's gonna love you." "Eventually she'll love me.
But you have to understand, this is not
what she envisioned you'd end up with.
This was not her dream.
She wanted you to marry the groom,
not the fucker
on top of the wedding cake."
So we walk into the place,
mother-in-law sees me,
immediately thinks I'm the parade
before the actual boyfriend.
Now she realizes I'm the dude,
and then, she's got questions.
'Cause she wants grandkids
and she doesn't know
how this is going
to affect her grandkids.
So the first thing she says,
she goes "Whoa!
She's Chinese,
you're a dwarf.
If you have kids, what will they be?"
Really good toy makers.
Point, Williams.
I love my wife to death.
But I'm scared as hell
to be around her.
I love her
but she scares the fuck out of me.
Now, I have a reason for that.
I have a reason to be terrified.
My wife is a fourth degree
black belt in tae kwon do.
She is a second degree
black belt in hapkido.
And just for fun,
she recently got a black belt
in Brazilian jujitsu.
I married a fucking ninja.
Yeah, legit martial artist.
This isn't a hobby for her.
It's not like she goes on the weekends
with her girlfriends, like,
"Okay, ladies,
it's Sunday, hi-yah!" Like, no!
She's ranked.
At one point she was ranked number two
in the nation in tae kwon do.
- That-- Yeah.
That's not even in the female division.
That was overall.
That means this woman would go
to tournaments, she'd fight dudes.
Fight male black belts. And the men
would walk out of that ring going,
"That bitch is crazy."
Grown men would look at my wife and go,
"Hashtag Me Too."
Yeah.
It's scary, okay?
First time we fucked,
she looked at me and she's like,
"Tonight I want you to choke me."
I was like...
"Sign this waiver."
It terrifies me.
I mean, it also really turns me on.
It terrifies me.
'Cause she could flip a switch
and I'm dead.
I'm dead. There's nothing I can do.
There's no dwarf defense for that shit.
I can't throw down a smoke bomb like,
"Midget, vanish!"
- Like, I can't do that.
Even though I'm scared,
I'm also curious.
What would happen
if she got into a fight, right?
What would that look like?
I know what it looks like when I fight.
I run. All right?
I run in a serpentine pattern.
And then, I pee on something,
it throws off the scent.
That's what I do.
Fuck does she do?
She's got seven degrees of black belt.
I figure they don't even punch and kick,
they just throw fireballs,
yell out "Hadouken!"
Okay? I feel that's what she does.
Well, recently,
I found out what happens when my wife gets into a fight.
Oh, yeah. This was...
two months before the wedding.
Two months before the wedding,
very stressful,
it's coming down to last-minute.
Making a lot of decisions,
and it's wearing on the relationship.
So I decide,
"Hey, let's take a weekend off.
Let's go to Vegas, let's have a good time.
Not even think about,
talk about the wedding.
Let's just enjoy
each other's company again."
And we did, it was amazing.
We went to all our favorite spots,
including our favorite whiskey bar.
We go there, we're sitting there,
we're sipping whiskey.
This guy comes in, sits down
next to my wife, starts hitting on her.
That doesn't bother me.
It bothers some guys,
they get mad, they get jealous,
I don't, 'cause I'm like, "Yeah.
She's a hot Asian woman."
She's gonna get hit on. That's the most
searched item on Craigslist, all right?
When guys hit on my wife,
I get excited 'cause I'm like,
"Sweet, I'm not paying
for drinks tonight."
So the guy's hitting on her,
it's not going well.
He's getting frustrated, my wife politely
excuses herself from the table.
When she gets up, the dude grabbed her
by the wrist and goes,
"I wasn't done talking to you yet."
Wife's a black belt, she just...
smacks his arm out of the way.
Arm flies across the table,
knocks over all the drinks.
They spill on her, him, me, it's a mess.
Now, my wife's a sweetheart.
Even though this happened,
even though this guy's being a jerk,
she gets napkins,
she leans in to try to dry the guy off.
When she leans in,
the guy grabbed her by the head,
shoved straight backwards and went,
"Don't touch me, bitch!"
Oh, when that happened the room got quiet.
- Except for me.
Because I knew what was about to go down.
I was like, "Yee-ee-ees!
Finally!
Oh, she's gonna fuck you up."
I was happy as hell.
I ran to the back,
I changed into a bikini,
I came out with ring cards.
- Round one, ding-ding.
Then my wife got a look on her face
that I have never seen before,
and God help me.
I never want to see this look again.
She looks at this dude, she goes,
"The fuck you just call me?
The fuck you just call me?
Did you just call me a bitch?
Did you...
just call me...
My man is going to kick your ass."
I'm like, "Whoa!
No!
No, no, no, no, no.
Hell no, fuck no, no!"
You don't get to do that.
You don't get to summon a dwarf
to fight for you.
- We're human, we're not Pokémon.
You can't be like, "Midget, I choose you!"
Okay? It's not happening.
Besides, that's not my thing,
that's not what I do.
You're the black belt, number two
in the nation, tae kwon do.
That's your thing, you go do your thing.
If you need someone to run out there
do a choreographed song
and dance about chocolate,
that's my thing, okay? So I can--
I can run out there like...
- ♪ Oompa-loompa, oo-bady-doo ♪
♪ She's a black belt,
So ha-ha, fuck you! ♪
- I can do that.
But it was all part of her plan.
It was, I did not know her plan. She goes, "My man is gonna kick your ass."
The guy looks at me
and laughs in my face.
And while he's laughing at me,
my wife just...
...straight-up Leonidas 300
kicks this fucker.
The only thing that was missing was
the voice in the background going,
"Finish him."
It was awesome.
Just, "This is Sparta!"
Cracks this dude.
Right in the head,
knocks him the fuck out.
One shot, he's on the ground unconscious.
When that happens, the guy had
five friends that were with him.
They see him get knocked out.
All five run up and square against
my wife and go, "You wanna go?"
And she looks at them
and goes, "Bring it!"
They're like, "Oh, fuck!"
Okay, so they run,
they grab the biggest bouncer they can,
they drag him over and go,
"They just knocked out our friend!"
Then the bouncer looks
and sees a Chinese woman
and a midget.
Your friend's a pussy.
- Aah!
I'll tell you guys something.
I learned something
about women that night.
I gained some appreciation
that I didn't necessarily have before.
Ladies, I understand
why you get so turned on when a man
stands up for you and defends your honor.
It has nothing to do with feminism.
Nothing to do with being
an independent woman or not.
It's a natural biological reaction
that you have as a child bearer,
when someone who can protect that child
is attractive to you,
and I get that now.
'Cause when I saw my wife,
my woman,
the woman I'm gonna
spend the rest of my days with,
kick this fucker in the head
and I saw the life just...
...from his eyes.
My pussy got wet.
- My name is Brad Williams.
Thank you, guys, so much
for coming out tonight!
You guys were amazing!
Netflix, thank you!
[music: "Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive
♪ Back in the thirties
When the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ And the woods in Alabama
Didn't see no light ♪
♪ My daddy played poker
By a hardwood fire ♪ ♪ Squeezing all his luck from
A hot copper wire ♪
♪ Scrap like a wildcat fights
till the end ♪
Las Vegas, how are we tonight?
Aha!
I love that you guys are here.
Thanks for being here.
So glad you're here watching me.
You guys have made an
excellent decision tonight.
Excellent decision.
Because your story tonight
will beat your friends' story,
no matter what the fuck they did, okay?
Your story wins.
'Cause your friends will try to make you
jealous in Vegas, they will.
And be like,
"You should've hang out with me, man.
We went out to this strip club
that had a one-armed stripper.
- She did a cartwheel, it was ridiculous."
"What kind of lame shit did you do?"
You be like, "A midget told me jokes,
fuck you, I win."
And then...
And then you win,
'cause that's happening right now.
- A midget is telling you jokes.
That's real.
That's real.
When midgets tell you jokes,
that's not a night out,
- that's a NyQuil dream, okay.
That's some medieval king shit, just like,
"Bring me my joke midget!"
And I just run out and go, "Dilly-Dilly."
I'm glad you guys are here, this is my
favorite part of the show, right up front.
It's the part of show
where you look at the audience
and see the looks on people's faces
who obviously had no idea
who they were seeing tonight.
You had no idea.
Maybe your friend brought you here.
Maybe you were even talkin' shit
on the way here.
"Why we gotta go to a comedy show?
It's not even gonna be that funny."
And then a dwarf walked out on the stage
and you're like, "I was mistaken."
'Cause you know this is gonna be good.
Dwarfs are hilarious.
I'm just glad you're out.
You're out, you're not at home
watching the news
and just getting mad at yourself,
mad at your friends.
'Cause the news gets you mad at people.
They say things like,
"The country's divided right now.
It's divided."
It's not divided, okay?
All right? We disagree on
a couple of things,
but overall we're on the same page.
Hell, look in the audience tonight:
we got men, women,
gay, straight, black, white.
Red state, blue state,
all in the same room, at the same time,
thinking the exact same thing:
"Midgets are funny."
That's it.
'Cause I don't care what your stance is
on gun control or abortion.
Nobody is anti-dwarf.
Nobody.
No one's out front right now
protesting like,
"These fucking midgets!
- They're comin' into our country!
They're takin' our jobs!
We got to build the curb higher."
In fact, that's the only way Trump
will get a 100% approval rating.
He just has to come out,
make a speech and be like,
"Listen, we've got the best
midgets. They're absolutely spectacular.
Unbelievable midgets, unbelievable.
Everyone tells us
how good our midgets are.
Here's my plan, I'm gonna build a wall,
I'm gonna put a doggy-door in there
for the midgets.
Everyone asks me all the time.
They say, 'Donald, how do you know so much
about little people?'
I say, 'Look at my hands.'"
That's a tough job
being president, though.
I could never be president.
I don't think we're ever
going to have a dwarf president.
Obviously because...
podiums.
They fucking suck.
The first day on the job.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.
Son of a bitch!
Horrible.
And the other job I don't think I could do
would be like if you guys
were going to the hospital tonight
and your surgeon came out,
they look like me and be like,
"I will be performing your surgery,"
and you'd be like, "Fuck this hospital."
- All right.
"I do not trust this hospital.
How is he gonna heal me with lucky charms?
That's not a real thing.
Fucking Obamacare. Can't even get
a full That's bullshit."
I'm glad to be here in Las Vegas, though.
You guys are fun.
But I'm glad to be performing for you
'cause dwarfs make everything better.
They do. We make everything better.
Dwarfs are
the chocolate sprinkles of life.
Making... Even creepy things.
Like for instance...
Uh... Sir, I'm not gonna
pick on you, I promise.
I'm literally pointing you out,
'cause, look at you, you look like
the nicest teddy bear ever, okay?
You're a good dude, man.
I bet you are a good guy.
But if you walked up to a strange woman
and grabbed her by the wrist and was like,
"Hey, I'm gonna take you to the woods."
- It got very uncomfortable here right now.
Very uncomfortable.
The only sound you heard was of
vaginas slamming shut.
That's nothing to do with you.
That's not a reflection
of who you are as a human being.
They've just seen
one Lifetime movie and go,
- "That's not a good idea, eh!"
But if I walked up to a strange woman
and grabbed her by the wrist,
and was like,
"Hey, I'm gonna take you to the woods."
She'd be like,
"Oh, are we gonna look for treasure?"
She'd be happy as shit.
Some of you won't laugh at that, I get it.
That's a creepy joke, it is.
It's a creepy joke. Some of you didn't
wanna laugh at that 'cause you didn't want
someone to call you a creep
or assume you're a creep.
That's the worst you could be nowadays.
It is not a good time
to be a creep.
- Um...
No, I don't feel bad for them
'cause it's like,
"Creeps, you had a hell of a run."
- Uh...
From the beginning of time
till the end of 2017.
And at the end of 2017,
that's when all the women got together
they had a meeting,
they sent out the message
on the vagina broadcast network.
VBN, trustworthy news source.
And that message was
very clear and simple, it was,
"We're not taking this shit anymore!"
And I love it, ladies.
I love what you're doing
with the Me Too Movement.
- I love what you're doing.
You're calling guys out,
now men are being more careful.
We're treating you with more respect and
we're being careful what we say,
what we do, how we act.
And it's brave
what you're doing, ladies, it's brave.
At the same time it's kinda crazy,
'cause every day...
every day it's somebody new.
Every day somebody new gets busted.
It's fun for the non-creeps.
We just get to wake up everyday,
check Twitter.
And every day it's somebody new. Hell.
Some of you guys probably
saw the news today about Tony Danza.
No, but you guys believed
that shit, didn't ya?
You believed it! If I'd said that a year
ago, you guys would have been like,
"Not Tony!" and now you're like,
"Makes a lot of sense.
I read that story,
I heard he grabbed a little boy
and said, 'I'll show you who's the boss.'"
- Uh...
But every day it's somebody new.
And sometimes it's someone you like.
Someone you respect.
And now you have that moral dilemma,
"Are you still allowed
to be a fan of that person,
but not agree with
what they did in their personal life?"
That happened to me.
When Louis C.K. got busted.
I love Louis C.K.'s comedy.
But I don't like what he was doing.
You know what I'm saying?
For those who don't know,
Louis C.K. was bringing women
to his hotel room and just...
...masturbating right in front of them.
That's not good.
Uh...
Men in the audience, uh...
if you're in the audience right now,
just a little rule of thumb.
If you ever have to ask yourself
the question,
"Should I take my dick out?"
The answer's "fucking no"!
Stop it. Don't do it.
It's never impressed the woman,
it's never made the situation better.
No one's ever been like,
"Oh, that party was horrible
until Tom took his cock out,
then it got really fun."
No!
It doesn't impress a woman
if you show her your dick, it doesn't.
You wanna impress a woman?
Show her a good credit score.
Walk around
That's what you do.
Why are you masturbating
in front of a woman?
That... You don't look good,
doing that activity.
No man does.
There's men in the audience, right now.
"I don't know, brother. I look pretty-- "
You don't.
And you know you don't look good.
- 'Cause every man's done the same thing.
We've all jerked off in a strange area,
we saw a mirror, we had no idea was there,
That happened to me.
I jerked off in a hotel room
one time, like,
Yeah! Uh... Agh!
- It's awful.
Why? Why are you masturbating
in front of a--
Maybe it's because men think
they look good masturbating
because, women, you look incredible
when you masturbate.
When women masturbate, oh, my god.
They're just, like, conducting,
- like a symphony of sex on their bodies.
You can tell I've been
with a lot of women
- if this is how I think they masturbate.
Women just get by themselves and go,
♪ "One little, two little,
three little titties..." ♪
Men, we're like half heart attack,
half stroke, it's like...
- It's not good.
Stop.
Why are men masturbating
in front of women?
It's never worked.
Ever. It's never worked.
No man has ever looked at a woman like,
"Hey, you wanna fuck?"
She's like, "No."
He's like, "How about now?"
- It never worked.
You guys all laughed
at me doing that
so maybe that's one more thing
dwarfs can make better.
- I... I don't know.
Now, 'cause I would never do this.
But if a dwarf locked you in a hotel room
and just started masturbating,
right in front of you,
you'd be horrified for, like, ten seconds
and after that you'd be like,
"It's actually kinda cute.
I had no idea he could reach it."
You guys are crazy, Vegas. I like you.
Vegas is a crazy city.
It's a crazy town, things happen here.
People always lookin' for famous people
when they come to Las Vegas.
You're looking for a celebrity.
Hell, I got approached. It was cool.
Like, I was on the way to the show tonight
and a dude just ran up to me and was like,
"I can't believe you're here."
I don't get recognized very often,
I'm not that famous.
So, when it happens I get really excited.
I like talking to people.
He's like, "What are you doing here?"
I'm like,
"I'm doing a stand-up show tonight.
Taping my Netflix special."
He's like, "You do stand up
Yeah...
He goes, "Oh, I just thought
you were on Game of Thrones."
- Motherfucker!
Shit, damn it!
Fuck!
I'm not gonna lie, that pissed me off,
okay? It pissed me off.
It shouldn't piss me off,
I should be used to it.
'Cause it happens to me, oh, I don't know,
Every day.
Not some days, all days.
This happens to all dwarfs.
All dwarfs get mistaken
for other little people.
Normally, it's the midget of the moment,
whoever that is.
So, like right now, we're all
the guy from Game of Thrones.
But ten years ago, we were all
Wee Man from Jackass.
And that sucked.
People thought I was Wee Man,
they would run up, kick me in the balls,
toss me into shopping carts. Horrible.
People think I'm the guy
from Game of Thrones, not that bad.
He's a good-looking dude, he's funny.
On the show, he bangs a lot of hookers.
Now I can run up to a random woman,
grab her by the leg and be like,
"I always pay my debts."
I can do that.
If you watch the show, that's hilarious.
If you don't watch the show, you have
no idea why people are laughing right now.
And that's funny to me.
All dwarfs get mistaken
for other little people.
All of us. I did a show one time
in Indianapolis, Indiana.
That
Yeah, then you know this.
They have a comedy club there,
and-- Yes, the name of the comedy club,
he said it. It's called...
Crackers.
- It's called Crackers.
Somebody did that.
Somebody opened up a comedy club in
Indiana
and called it Crackers.
How the fuck did they name it?
What should we call this place?
I don't know, look around.
Crackers.
I pray to God that guy
never opens up a club in Compton.
- That'd be horrible.
What should we call this one?
I don't know, look around.
You thought I was gonna say it
for one second, didn't you?
That was awesome.
I just got to look in the audience
and see the looks of horror
on the faces of white people.
You guys were just staring at me like,
"Don't do it, man.
Don't do it."
- And I was-- It got quiet in here.
The only sound I heard
was the sound of 200 white buttholes
- tightening in the exact same moment.
Don't get me wrong,
there's like three racist pieces of shit
that were just looking at me like,
- "Say it!
Say it!
I can't cum unless you say it!"
No.
I'll never say that word.
- 'Cause they can run faster than me.
Not a racial joke.
Everyone can run faster than me.
Not a big deal.
But I had to go to work that night.
I had to go to Crackers.
So I called up an Uber.
And my Uber driver that night
happens to be black.
Which mean now I have
to look at this guy and go,
"Hey, man!
Take me to Crackers."
And the look on his face is like,
"The fuck you just say?"
I'm like, "Hey,
it's not like that, we're just a lot
of people, coming together." He's like,
"Oh, you're having a meeting?" I was like,
"That's not what I meant at all."
Now we're going back and forth,
this guy hits me with the best
comeback I've heard in my life.
"You know what,
no big deal, you're just a cracker crumb."
I'm like, "Oh,
- fuck, that's funny."
He called me a "cracker crumb"!
That's a perfect insult, it's perfect.
The second he said it, the first thought
that popped into my head was,
"Now I have to join the KKK."
It was, legitimately.
Not 'cause I have hatred in my heart
or I think certain groups
are better than others, no.
I just think it'd be funny.
I think it'd be funny if I joined,
rose through the ranks,
then one day was known
as Grand Wizard Cracker Crumb.
And the midget KKK is not scary,
it's adorable, all right?
You'd just be looking at this like,
"Who's the little racist? Yes, you are!
Yes, you are."
We're not even wearing bed sheets,
just one pillow case.
I'm jumping out at people,
"I don't like the Jews!"
No one's afraid of the midget KKK,
fucking nobody.
We can be attacking your house,
you're not running.
You're calling in your partner.
"Honey!
Get in here!
You gotta see this shit!
It's the mini KKK, look, the mini--
No, you have time,
I built that two foot fence,
it's really slowing them down,
they're having a hard time getting--
You gotta come see
what the midget KKK is doin'.
They're burning lowercase T's
on the front yard."
So, the guy finally
dropped me off at Crackers.
Dropped me off at the comedy club.
I did what I always do when I go
to a comedy club. I did it tonight.
I go to the green room.
The green room is where the comedians
all hang out before the show.
So I walk back in the green room,
I open up the door.
There's another dwarf
sitting right there in the green room.
I don't know who he is.
He's not a comedian.
I'm just looking at him like, "Hi...
Sup?"
We don't have, like, a special greeting
for each other, all right?
It's not like I see another dwarf
and I have to go...
♪ Heigh
♪ Heigh-ho! ♪
Don't get me wrong, I would still
absolutely respond to that shit, okay?
Somebody yells out... ♪ Heigh-ho! ♪
I'd be like, "Oh, fuck!"
It's in my blood, okay? So...
I'm looking at this other dwarf, like,
"Dude, what the hell
are you doing in my green room?"
He looks at me, and goes,
"I don't know, Brad.
I came here to see you tonight, I walked
in the front door and the staff...
walked me right out back here
to the green room."
That happened!
How the fuck did that happen?
What if I'd been 20 minutes late?
Would they just toss
that poor bastard up on the stage?
You know, "Make them laugh, show em'..."
How the--
There were posters of me
out front of the comedy club that night,
advertising my shows that weekend.
Posters of me that had
pictures of me on them.
Life-size pictures of me on them.
This other guy looked nothing like me.
He walked in, the staff looked at him,
looked at the posters,
looked back at him and like,
"Hmm, there can't be two."
- Aah...
My life has changed a lot
since my last comedy special.
Uh, for one, I got married.
- Yeah, that thing, yeah.
- I did it!
To a woman!
- Aha!
To a tall woman.
That's right. I got one of yours.
My wife is awesome.
She's mixed race.
She's half-Chinese
and half-white.
Which means she looks...
Chinese.
Looks very Chinese.
But the half-white part of her
is from Wisconsin.
And that's where her accent comes from.
'Cause she looks Chinese, she looks...
Chinese.
So I thought in bed,
all I was going to hear was,
"Ah, me so horny...
Me so horny.
Me love you long time."
I don't get that, all I get it is,
"Oh, yah, right there, you betcha.
I wanted an Asian whore,
not the mom from Bobby's World.
Her safe word is "Doncha know".
It's stupid.
Nah, I love my wife, though.
She's great.
I even get along with my mother-in-law.
Mother
I love my mother-in-law.
Now, when I met her,
that did not go well.
When I met my mother-in-law,
that was not a good experience.
That wasn't her fault. Wasn't my fault.
It was my wife's fault.
I'll explain.
I'm meeting mother
Already a stressful situation,
when you meet the parent
of the person you're dating.
So I'm already on edge, I'm already
a little nervous, a little scared.
I'm reaching to ring the doorbell,
right before I ring it,
my wife looks at me and goes,
"Hey, so you know, never told her
you were a dwarf."
What?
Why?
She goes, "Oh, she's from San Francisco,
she's very tolerant."
I'm like, "I don't give a crap
how tolerant she is.
Needs a little heads-up."
"She's gonna love you." "Eventually she'll love me.
But you have to understand, this is not
what she envisioned you'd end up with.
This was not her dream.
She wanted you to marry the groom,
not the fucker
on top of the wedding cake."
So we walk into the place,
mother-in-law sees me,
immediately thinks I'm the parade
before the actual boyfriend.
Now she realizes I'm the dude,
and then, she's got questions.
'Cause she wants grandkids
and she doesn't know
how this is going
to affect her grandkids.
So the first thing she says,
she goes "Whoa!
She's Chinese,
you're a dwarf.
If you have kids, what will they be?"
Really good toy makers.
Point, Williams.
I love my wife to death.
But I'm scared as hell
to be around her.
I love her
but she scares the fuck out of me.
Now, I have a reason for that.
I have a reason to be terrified.
My wife is a fourth degree
black belt in tae kwon do.
She is a second degree
black belt in hapkido.
And just for fun,
she recently got a black belt
in Brazilian jujitsu.
I married a fucking ninja.
Yeah, legit martial artist.
This isn't a hobby for her.
It's not like she goes on the weekends
with her girlfriends, like,
"Okay, ladies,
it's Sunday, hi-yah!" Like, no!
She's ranked.
At one point she was ranked number two
in the nation in tae kwon do.
- That-- Yeah.
That's not even in the female division.
That was overall.
That means this woman would go
to tournaments, she'd fight dudes.
Fight male black belts. And the men
would walk out of that ring going,
"That bitch is crazy."
Grown men would look at my wife and go,
"Hashtag Me Too."
Yeah.
It's scary, okay?
First time we fucked,
she looked at me and she's like,
"Tonight I want you to choke me."
I was like...
"Sign this waiver."
It terrifies me.
I mean, it also really turns me on.
It terrifies me.
'Cause she could flip a switch
and I'm dead.
I'm dead. There's nothing I can do.
There's no dwarf defense for that shit.
I can't throw down a smoke bomb like,
"Midget, vanish!"
- Like, I can't do that.
Even though I'm scared,
I'm also curious.
What would happen
if she got into a fight, right?
What would that look like?
I know what it looks like when I fight.
I run. All right?
I run in a serpentine pattern.
And then, I pee on something,
it throws off the scent.
That's what I do.
Fuck does she do?
She's got seven degrees of black belt.
I figure they don't even punch and kick,
they just throw fireballs,
yell out "Hadouken!"
Okay? I feel that's what she does.
Well, recently,
I found out what happens when my wife gets into a fight.
Oh, yeah. This was...
two months before the wedding.
Two months before the wedding,
very stressful,
it's coming down to last-minute.
Making a lot of decisions,
and it's wearing on the relationship.
So I decide,
"Hey, let's take a weekend off.
Let's go to Vegas, let's have a good time.
Not even think about,
talk about the wedding.
Let's just enjoy
each other's company again."
And we did, it was amazing.
We went to all our favorite spots,
including our favorite whiskey bar.
We go there, we're sitting there,
we're sipping whiskey.
This guy comes in, sits down
next to my wife, starts hitting on her.
That doesn't bother me.
It bothers some guys,
they get mad, they get jealous,
I don't, 'cause I'm like, "Yeah.
She's a hot Asian woman."
She's gonna get hit on. That's the most
searched item on Craigslist, all right?
When guys hit on my wife,
I get excited 'cause I'm like,
"Sweet, I'm not paying
for drinks tonight."
So the guy's hitting on her,
it's not going well.
He's getting frustrated, my wife politely
excuses herself from the table.
When she gets up, the dude grabbed her
by the wrist and goes,
"I wasn't done talking to you yet."
Wife's a black belt, she just...
smacks his arm out of the way.
Arm flies across the table,
knocks over all the drinks.
They spill on her, him, me, it's a mess.
Now, my wife's a sweetheart.
Even though this happened,
even though this guy's being a jerk,
she gets napkins,
she leans in to try to dry the guy off.
When she leans in,
the guy grabbed her by the head,
shoved straight backwards and went,
"Don't touch me, bitch!"
Oh, when that happened the room got quiet.
- Except for me.
Because I knew what was about to go down.
I was like, "Yee-ee-ees!
Finally!
Oh, she's gonna fuck you up."
I was happy as hell.
I ran to the back,
I changed into a bikini,
I came out with ring cards.
- Round one, ding-ding.
Then my wife got a look on her face
that I have never seen before,
and God help me.
I never want to see this look again.
She looks at this dude, she goes,
"The fuck you just call me?
The fuck you just call me?
Did you just call me a bitch?
Did you...
just call me...
My man is going to kick your ass."
I'm like, "Whoa!
No!
No, no, no, no, no.
Hell no, fuck no, no!"
You don't get to do that.
You don't get to summon a dwarf
to fight for you.
- We're human, we're not Pokémon.
You can't be like, "Midget, I choose you!"
Okay? It's not happening.
Besides, that's not my thing,
that's not what I do.
You're the black belt, number two
in the nation, tae kwon do.
That's your thing, you go do your thing.
If you need someone to run out there
do a choreographed song
and dance about chocolate,
that's my thing, okay? So I can--
I can run out there like...
- ♪ Oompa-loompa, oo-bady-doo ♪
♪ She's a black belt,
So ha-ha, fuck you! ♪
- I can do that.
But it was all part of her plan.
It was, I did not know her plan. She goes, "My man is gonna kick your ass."
The guy looks at me
and laughs in my face.
And while he's laughing at me,
my wife just...
...straight-up Leonidas 300
kicks this fucker.
The only thing that was missing was
the voice in the background going,
"Finish him."
It was awesome.
Just, "This is Sparta!"
Cracks this dude.
Right in the head,
knocks him the fuck out.
One shot, he's on the ground unconscious.
When that happens, the guy had
five friends that were with him.
They see him get knocked out.
All five run up and square against
my wife and go, "You wanna go?"
And she looks at them
and goes, "Bring it!"
They're like, "Oh, fuck!"
Okay, so they run,
they grab the biggest bouncer they can,
they drag him over and go,
"They just knocked out our friend!"
Then the bouncer looks
and sees a Chinese woman
and a midget.
Your friend's a pussy.
- Aah!
I'll tell you guys something.
I learned something
about women that night.
I gained some appreciation
that I didn't necessarily have before.
Ladies, I understand
why you get so turned on when a man
stands up for you and defends your honor.
It has nothing to do with feminism.
Nothing to do with being
an independent woman or not.
It's a natural biological reaction
that you have as a child bearer,
when someone who can protect that child
is attractive to you,
and I get that now.
'Cause when I saw my wife,
my woman,
the woman I'm gonna
spend the rest of my days with,
kick this fucker in the head
and I saw the life just...
...from his eyes.
My pussy got wet.
- My name is Brad Williams.
Thank you, guys, so much
for coming out tonight!
You guys were amazing!
Netflix, thank you!
[music: "Where The Devil Don't Stay"
by Drive
♪ Back in the thirties
When the dust bowl dried ♪
♪ And the woods in Alabama
Didn't see no light ♪
♪ My daddy played poker
By a hardwood fire ♪ ♪ Squeezing all his luck from
A hot copper wire ♪
♪ Scrap like a wildcat fights
till the end ♪