The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 8, Episode 8 - Olivia's Field Trip - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

This is it.

I'm telling you, it
is not funny, dear.

This is the last time.

I had counted, when Rudy came,

that I would not have
to go out and monitor

any more museum trips for
little five-year-old children.

And then this child comes,
and here we go again.

I don't want to do this anymore.

You're being silly,
and you know it.

It's just a little field trip
to the DeSoto Museum.



Oh, it's just a little
field trip to the DeSoto...

Just a little field trip.

Yeah, you can say that
because you're not going.

And you are a person
who has no class.

You know why?

You know why?

Because if you had class,

you would look at me
and realize that my job...

as a baby doctor is
to deliver these people.

And now these people
are going to deliver me!

She's counting on it, Cliff.

Just think of everything Olivia
and her classmates are gonna learn.

I know what they're gonna learn.

They're gonna
learn to look at me



and see a person that they
can tap with their little finger.

You ever had...
These little taps,

and they're all behind you

and they're all over here.

And they start as soon
as you get off the bus.

"Can I have some juice?"

No, we don't eat till 1:00.

"Yeah, but I want
some juice now,

because my mother said
that I could have some juice."

And then they start
digging in places,

and you don't know what
they're digging for or what's wrong.

Oh, come on, Cliff.
You're not alone in this.

I'm not alone? No!

You got Jeffrey
Engels for support.

Jeffrey Engels? Ha!

Jeffrey Engels? Jeffrey
Engels is a rookie!

He knows nothing!

And on top of that, he
overdresses for everything.

Jeffrey Engels? [laughing]

We went to a
simple kazoo concert.

His daughter played the kazoo.

Her part was, "Fruu fruu."

He wore a tuxedo,

a top hat, had a scarf on,

and sat there and
conducted her little "fruu fruu."

Hey! Morning.

How you doing? Hi, Son.

You sure are here early
for the middle of the week.

Oh, well, I'm
waiting on a delivery.

I'm having 144
t-shirts sent here.

No. You know how the community
center always needs money.

Well, we're gonna
silk-screen t-shirts

and sell them at street
fairs for $10 a pop.

That sounds good.
Check this out.

I found a second-hand
silk-screening press,

and I found a store
to donate the paints.

And by having the
t-shirts delivered here,

I save freight costs.

Now, I figure we sell 300
t-shirts a weekend, 20 weekends,

pretty soon we're gonna
have enough money

to buy a computer for
every kid in the center.

Or we can move the
center to the Caribbean.

But I'll make that call
when the time comes.

Well, let me know if
you need any legal help.

You know, for your
vendor's license.

I got it. Your tax I.D. number.

J-2107.

Well, now, listen up.

If you need any help with
the slogans for the t-shirts,

I'm your man.

Well, Dad, thanks a lot,

but I got the kids
making up some designs.

Yeah, well, see,
the designs are fine,

but words are much stronger.

What kind of words?

Things like "I am over 18,

and I have my own apartment."

Try this one.

"My parents gave
it all they had,

but I didn't."

"I finally found myself.

That's why I'm not here."

Dad, thanks a lot, but
I got it under control.

Okay, you got it under
control. Thank you.

Right. Oh, and
here's another one.

This one would be
my all-time favorite.

This would be a big seller.

"I paid my parents
back all the money...

"that I borrowed,

and I feel good about myself."

You can put that on the front.

You can put it on the back.
You can put it on the side.

As a matter of fact, you can get a
branding iron and hit 'em with that.

Start my own t-shirt company.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm going on a field trip ♪

♪ With all my friends ♪

♪ First one ever ♪

♪ I'm going on a
big yellow bus ♪

♪ You're gonna ride
on the big yellow bus ♪

♪ Let me tell you that
the seats are not padded ♪

♪ And the big yellow bus ♪

♪ And all the
springs are like this ♪

♪ And you're gonna be
bouncing' up and down ♪

♪ And there's no
air conditioning ♪

♪ So sweat will be running ♪

♪ On the big yellow bus ♪

♪ That you think's
gonna be a lot of fun ♪

♪ But we'll still be happy ♪

♪ That's what you think ♪

♪ Lunch in here ♪

Yes, your lunch is in there.

Mrs. Huxtable
packed for both of us.

♪ Oh! This is mine,
just what I wanted ♪

Uh-huh.

This must be yours.

What is it?

I don't know. Mrs.
Huxtable packed it for me.

She said she was gonna make it.

Rice cakes... and tuna.

No mayonnaise.

No mustard.

No flavor.

But that's all right.

See, on the field trips,

the best part is trading
food and trading sandwiches.

[knock on door] Come in!

Hey, neighbor!

Well, don't you
two look... together.

Boy, I brought some things

that are gonna come
in handy on the field trip.

I got these camp
songs here for the bus.

No, no, no. Listen...
uh, do me a favor.

Put that back in the bag.

But this is... I don't want...

I don't mean to yell at you.

I don't want any camp songs.

I don't want any
"John Jacob" things.

I don't wanna hear
any "Hundred Bottles."

I don't want any "Bears
Coming Over The Mountain."

You understand? Just
leave it alone. Trust me.

All right. There you go.

Hey, what's up,
Mr. Engels? Hey, Leslie.

Hey!

So, you all ready for the trip?

Oh, you bet! We're all set!

Well, listen, here's
one for the bus ride.

♪ Found a peanut ♪

♪ Found a peanut ♪

♪ Found a peanut just now ♪

♪ Just now I found a peanut ♪

♪ Found a peanut right now ♪

♪ Found a peanut,
found a peanut ♪

♪ Found a peanut right now ♪

Well, we're checked in.

Now, who has an orange name tag?

[Kids] Me!

You're the oranges.

Now, who has a red name tag?

[Kids] Me!

You're the apples.

Now, I want you to pair
up with an orange buddy.

[Kids] Yay!

I just love to mix my
apples and oranges.

You have a very rich
interior life, Mrs. Hester.

Thank you.

I don't want to be an
orange or an apple.

Okay, you can be a kumquat.
Now tie your shoelace.

I'm gonna go find out if the
lunches made it off the bus,

and I'll catch up
with you later. Okay.

Dr. Huxtable? Yes.

Well, where are we going first?

Um, we're going to see

American indigenous species,

animals and birds of all sizes,

all over the country.

Is that true, Daddy?

Well, up to a point.

You see, we're gonna see animals

that Mr. DeSoto
collected on his travels

through the great
American wilderness.

Starting with the
igloos of the Eskimos,

and then the
caves of the Indians,

and then the soggy
swamps of the alligators!

[Kids] Ooh!

[Engles] And this
is a grizzly bear.

[Kids] Ooh! Wow!

Yes, I would like
you to take note

that "the grizzly bear is a
relative of the Alaskan brown bear."

Please keep looking.

"Although it weighs
up to 1,000 pounds..."

Over here.

"It can actually move
almost as fast as a lion."

Is that true, Daddy?

Yeah, Mr. Engles. Is that true?

Of course it's true, boy!

I'm reading from the thing here!

There's a lot more to bears

than what's written
on that plaque, Cliff.

I mean, the grizzly
bear, ursus horribilis,

is one of the world's
largest living omnivores.

This is a bear.

It's a big bear.

It's a big brown bear.

Can that thing eat me up?

Well, it could if it were
alive and you provoked it.

So that's a real bear?

Well, the bear was
once a real bear.

I think I saw it move.

Yes, you see, it's the light

shining on the glass

that makes the
bear's eyes sparkle.

It's very realistic.

Is that true, Dr. Huxtable?

Well, it's... It's hard
to say, children.

You see, um, these
bears actually move.

But they... would
have to pay rent.

Dioramas aren't cheap,

mainly because of
the view, you see.

So if the bears move,
people would say,

"We have to charge
you for living here."

So they stay like that.

However, when I'm
visiting a museum,

and I know that these
things can move...

And certainly if you
will notice the teeth.

Those teeth are
for tearing flesh.

And I must say that they
love to tear noisy flesh.

And they love a chase.

Now, what I do if I
want to see it move

is I will turn my back

to the bear, like so.

And then I will say out
loud, faking them out,

"Well, I guess I'll go
to the next exhibit."

And when I do that,
the corner of my eye...

I know that this bear
is going to move.

And so I turn,

and as soon as I
know it's moving,

I take these eyes
and I swing 'em back!

It's alive! It's alive!

[kids screaming]

Here yet?

Not yet.

The truck must be
running late or something.

[broken doorbell dings]

Must be them!

Hey, thanks!

[truck departing, tires screech]

He must have been in a rush.

Mom, I got such a great
deal on these shirts here.

Check this out. 100% cotton. Ha!

Now, I got a good
discount because

the style has been discontinued,

but Mr. Starkey, who was a
very resourceful guy, I must say,

said there's plenty more
where these came from.

Well, it certainly
does seem roomy.

That's good. See, that way
they can shrink when you wash it.

Theo?

Theo. Did I... Did
I miss something?

Do I have this on backwards,
honey? Where's the tag?

Uh, it's gotta be
where the neck is.

Where's the neck?

Honey! Come on!
Help me with this thing!

I can't help you when
I can't help myself!

Wait, there's gotta
be some mistake here.

I hope so.

All the shirts
can't be like this.

Maybe if I pull
this thread here...

Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, Mom, I don't believe this!

I spent the center's
money on these shirts.

So just cancel the check.

Good idea! Good idea!

Cancel the check.

I didn't pay be check, Ma.

I got a 20% discount
by paying in cash.

Yeah, that 20% must have
been the neck sewer's salary.

Theo, why don't you
let me talk to this guy?

No, I got it under control.

Me and Mr. Starkey have
been working together

for a couple of days now.

It's cool.

Hey, Mr. Starkey. How you doing?

This is Theodore Huxtable here.

Listen, I got a slight
problem with these t-shirts.

There are no neck holes.

Well, yes, I'm sure.

They didn't leave the
warehouse that way?

So are you telling
me the truck driver

just pulled off to
the side of the road

and sewed up all the neck holes?

What do you mean,
he's done it before?

Listen, Mr. Starkey, I
want my money back,

and I want it back now.

[click, dial tone]

Hello?

He's gonna get back to me.

Just your own lunches now.

No one else's. No
one else's name.

All right, that's just fine.

Now don't anybody eat yet.

Don't anybody eat yet.

Now, I'm sure that someone

would like to exchange for my...

wonderful tuna fish sandwich.

I'll trade with
you, Dr. Huxtable.

Marlon. My friend.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

What kind of sandwich have you?

Roast beef on a roll.

With some nice Russian dressing.

A little pickle.

And some potato
salad on the side.

Mmm.

Marlon, trade.

Thank you, Marlon, so much.

You're welcome.

Enjoy yourself.

Oh. Yes.

Hey! This tuna's on coasters!

I'm sorry, Marlon,

but you made your choice.

[Kids chanting]
Cheater. Cheater.

Cheater. Cheater.

Cheater. Cheater.

Cheater! Cheater!

Cheater! Cheater!

Cheater! Cheater!

Now you listen to
me, Starkey, man!

This is the last message
I'm leaving on your machine.

Lucky 13!

And I'm telling you now,

if I ever, ever find
out where you live,

I'm coming after you.

[beep]

Hey, Mom. Mom, listen,
I'm glad you're here.

Could you do me
a big favor? What?

I need you to call Mr. Starkey.

Pretend you're a customer, okay?

I want you to order, uh, 600-dozen
shirts, style number seven.

The neckless ones?

Yeah. See, now, I just
want you to order a lot

so he'll pick up the phone,
and I'll take it from there.

No problem. Okay?

It's ringing. When he picks
up, just give me the phone

Hello. This is Clair Hanks
of Universal Silk-screens,

and I would like to
order 600-dozen t-shirts.

Hello? Mr. Starkey?

Did I say 600 dozen?

Oh, no, what I meant
to say is that I am

the senior partner
at the law firm

of Bradley, Greentree, & Dexter,

and I represent
Mr. Theodore Huxtable.

No, you listen.

You sold a
product in this state.

Therefore, you gave Mr. Huxtable

a warrantee of usability

Now unless you can
round up 144 people

with neither head nor neck

to speak on behalf
of your t-shirts,

we are prepared to take action.

That's what I thought you'd say.

So we'll have the money by
these close of business today?

We thank you.

Done.

Well... Well, thanks, Mom.

I'm impressed.

I'm also embarrassed.

Oh, why? That man
doesn't know I'm your mother.

No, that's not the
embarrassing thing.

Here I am, Mr. Entrepreneur,

and I fall for the
oldest one in the book.

The Something For Nothing Scam.

Man, when they tell you
they're taking 20% off the top,

they mean it.

Yeah, well, you
get what you pay for.

Speaking of which, you owe
me $150 for that phone call.

And as your attorney,
I would advise you

not to go to your
mother for the funds.

[laughs]

Oh, dear, please, help me.

[laughs]

I got a field trip hangover.

What are your symptoms, Doctor?

My symptoms are...

I don't want to hear
another child's voice

as long as I live.

I don't even want to hear one

if it says, "I'm leaving."

I got cooler burns on my hands.

Ohh.

I don't think they'll
ever recover.

Here, I'll put some
lotion on that for you.

They're just raw.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Yeah.

Mmm!

How's that?

What do you mean, how is that?

That's one of the dumbest
questions I've ever heard.

Now is there
anything else I can do?

You can reload over there.

I see.

Give you a nice big one.

Oh. Yes.

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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