The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 8, Episode 9 - For Men Only - full transcript
At the community center, Clair gives a legal clinic and Cliff gives a Men's Only clinic. Cliff's clinic teaches etiquette, getting a job, and more. His job session becomes more about being a responsible parent and preventing pregnancies.
♪♪ [theme]
[video game noises]
Hey, how's everybody?
[both] Hello.
Boy, oh, boy!
Work out!
You're just gonna wear
those little thumbs of yours out.
I don't have any money
to buy any new thumbs.
[fake laugh] [fake laugh]
Look, why don't you turn
down that medieval mayhem?
That's much better. Whoo!
Hello, son.
Hey, Dad. How you doing?
[both] Hi, Grandpa Huxtable.
Hello there.
You all ready to babysit?
Absolutely.
Okay. Well, everything's
gonna be easy for you.
Sandra and Elvin took
the twins with them.
And these two, any time you
wanna feed Miss Thing over here,
you just unplug both of
them and send him home.
Russell. Hi.
We better get going, Cliff. We're gonna
be late for for the community center.
I have a legal clinic.
I have to be on time.
And I know that you don't want to
miss a moment of "For Men Only."
There you go!
For Men Only, Cliff?
And you didn't invite me?
Well, Dad, this is a
class for teenage men.
I'm sorry. See, Theo came to me,
and he said, "Dad,
I'd like you to go down
"to one of the community
centers there and teach this class."
And, you know, my son.
So they said, well, this
one will be for men only,
and, uh... it's
going pretty well.
This is my second
one, and, uh...
if this works out all right,
I might even, you know,
just take it on the road.
Get a bus, you know.
Dr. Cliff Huxtable,
For Men Only.
And if I get enough out of this,
I might take you as a roadie.
And exactly what kind of
knowledge is your husband
passing onto these young people?
He won't tell me.
Well, that's because
it's for men only,
don't you understand?
But I will tell you.
See, what I'm doing is I'm talking to
these boys about careers, you see?
And I'm giving them all kinds
of ideas about how to get jobs.
And you think you should
be teaching that, Cliff?
None of your children have jobs.
And yours do, Clair?
But really, I just think that
you are absolutely jealous,
and I hope that you do
not talk to those young men
the way that you're
talking to me now
and ridiculing me
in front of my father.
Clair can't say anything about
you that I don't already know.
Thank you, my father.
In this box contains
the key to job success.
What is in this box?
[humming fanfare]
Cliff, that is Olivia's
Love My Dolly.
That's okay. He can borrow it.
What I'm starting out with here
is the way we come into
the world, with no fear.
You understand?
And that's what I want
to deliver to the boys.
There's no fear.
All you have to do is get
what is rightfully yours,
the way you come in.
[Cliff] You see?
You understand that?
Well, if you don't
understand that,
then you have a
defeatist attitude.
It's a great message, honey,
but that is the sorriest
symbol I've ever seen.
It is not a sorry symbol!
This is a great symbol.
This is the way you come in.
Look at the innocence
of it. It has no fear.
You say, "Go get it."
It'll crawl to it. It'll do it.
They'll understand it,
because they will not have
a defeatist attitude, you see?
And if... If you didn't have
such a defeatist attitude,
I might let you sit in
the back of my class.
I might enjoy that,
but it's for men only.
Well, I'll give you a moustache.
Uh, toodle-oo.
So, are either of you
young people hungry?
[both] No.
Thirsty? No.
Alive? [both laugh]
Man, I got things to do.
I don't need to be here.
Yes, you do. It's mandatory if you
wanna play in the basketball league.
Yeah, right.
Just last week, the good
doctor told us about etiquette.
Like I'm going to use etiquette
on the basketball court.
[all laugh]
Well, personally,
I learned a lot.
What did you learn?
Well, now I know how to
make proper introductions.
For what? You don't know nobody.
He's right.
Dr. Huxtable's tips
helped me through
an awkward social
situation just last week.
How?
I went to my history teacher
and I said, "Excuse me, sir,
"but the news of this pop quiz
"has come as
quite a shock to me.
Might I impose on your
graciousness for a deferment?"
Did he go for it?
In a way.
He said, "How handsomely
phrased, Herman.
Now sharpen your pencil."
I felt better about myself.
Thank you very much.
[all laugh]
Okay, gentlemen, it's time.
I see you guys learned
something about etiquette last week.
I'm impressed.
Well, I would like to reintroduce
our guest Dr. Huxtable
for the second week of
our seminar "For Men Only."
[All] What's up?
What's happening?
I have a question. Oh. Already?
If this quote-unquote
seminar is for men only,
then why is Ms.
Fliarnino still here?
Well, Ms. Fliarnino...
I can answer that one.
Uh, Ben, since Ms. Fliarnino
got the grant for
the use of this facility
and the basketball uniforms, the
equipment, and the summer camp,
Ms. Fliarnino thought that it would
be right for her to be at this class...
which she could have called
"For Men Only and Ms. Fliarnino."
[all] Ohh.
I'll leave them in
your hands, okay?
Thank you.
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
All right. Any questions?
Uh, Dr. Huxtable? Yes.
I have to take issue with
you on an etiquette matter.
All right.
Well, according
to your teachings,
when going on the stairs, the
men should precede the woman.
Absolutely.
What we're talking
about is etiquette.
You go first. If the
woman stumbles,
you are there to break her fall.
Okay. That's
fine in theory... sir.
But suppose the woman
weighs 240 pounds.
I mean...
don't you think etiquette
would tell her to go first?
There's no sense in
taking both of us out.
In this particular case, Abe,
I think that I have
to agree with you.
And if you ever find
somebody that large,
put 'em on the elevator.
Hey, what's in the box?
I'm glad you asked.
Gentlemen, in this box
is the key to your success.
In this box, gentlemen,
I tell you now, is
the core, the root,
and the center to your careers.
Ha ha!
Gentlemen.
That's a baby.
Exactly!
It's not my baby!
It's not my baby.
And we know it's not Dan's baby.
No, no, wait a minute.
This is the old scam.
I mean, we come here
thinking we're getting job advice,
but instead we're getting
the old birth control lecture.
[all] Oh, man!
No. No. That is
not what this is.
This is a symbol, gentlemen.
Man, we're tired of
hearing about all of this.
We hear this is
school, in church,
and on those PBS specials.
Man, you don't watch PBS!
Hey, I watched that
one special called
Inner City Male Youth:
For The Love Of
God, Run For Your Life.
They keep calling us
the Lost Generation.
But I'm not lost. Are you lost?
Man, I'm not
lost. I'm right here.
I'm not going anywhere,
and I'm tired of being
blamed for everything.
I hear they're now starting to
blame us for the greenhouse effect.
And if a whale is
missing, we stole it.
If you all are finished,
then I will continue.
This is about careers.
Then why did you
bring the baby here?
It has nothing to
do with the baby.
So then what'd you
bring the baby here for?
[video game noises]
Here's a glass of milk.
[both] Not now, thanks.
Oh. All right, you
two. I've had enough.
I wanna learn that game.
You can have my control.
Good. Now, what
am I supposed to do?
Press A to move
faster, B to go backward.
C to jump up, and D to
fire the flaming ball of death.
Ooh!
That seems reasonable.
Ah.
[video game noises]
Now where am I?
You're the winged
prince in the corner.
Oh, you mean that
well-muscled lad.
Yeah!
Now what am I supposed to do?
You're supposed to go to the
tree and get the gold acorns.
And throw them
at the giant squirrel.
I got the acorns.
Where's the squirrel?
He'll show up. You have
to put them in your satchel.
I don't have a satchel.
You have to get it
from under the rock.
No, no! Get the chalice!
You need it for power!
But he needs the satchel!
He has to put the chalice
in the satchel anyway!
He needs to get
the chalice first
and put the acorns
in the chalice!
There's no time!
Oh, no! There's
the giant squirrel!
What do I do? What do I do?
Run cover! Under the
bush! Under the bush!
No! Throw the
acorns! The acorns!
Hit B!
Hit A then hit C then B! D!
You threw a fireball!
The bush is burning!
Get the hose!
Oh! Oh, Grandpa!
Whew!
Whew!
You wanna start over, Grandpa?
We'll start you over again.
Uh, no, no.
I didn't realize you'd
have these games.
I brought another
game we could all play.
Okay! Load it up!
Well, this one
doesn't need a TV.
Oh. it's a pocket
game, like Game Guy.
I love Game Guy!
No, it's not a Game Guy.
It's actually a game
that's been played
by millions of people
from Beijing to Brooklyn...
and all the Huxtables.
Wow!
Well, what it it?
It's, um... Well,
clear the table.
It's called Pick-Up Sticks.
Where's the rest of it?
There is no more. That's it.
That's it?
There's no batteries
or anything?
What kind of game is this?
It don't need any batteries.
No batteries?
How do you play?
Well, you drop
the colorful sticks
just as I've done
just right now.
And then you try to pick
them up with your fingers.
Come on. Where's the real game?
This is it.
Now the object is not to
move any of the other sticks
or you lose your turn.
The one with the most
sticks at the end wins.
Wanna try?
I don't think so.
No, thank you. We're
better with our thumbs.
Well, then you'll
love Tiddlywinks.
Timblyfinks? What's
wrong with him?
Well, whatever it is, win fast
so we can get back
to the real game.
The baby's going into the box.
We are not worried
about the baby anymore.
We are now talking about
other issues of responsibility.
I'll take responsibility
for myself, Dr. Huxtable,
but I'm tired of taking the blame
for everything bad that happens.
Yeah, that's right. People
think of us as negative statistics.
They think half
of us is in prison,
and the other half of
us are making babies.
And frankly, I'm
not doing either one.
We know that, Dan.
Hey, look, look, look,
all I know is I'm
just trying to make it.
Make what? The only think
you've made is two babies.
What? What, uh...
What? Who made what?
Me, Dr. Huxtable.
I made two babies.
But I'm not like those guys
on the PBS special, okay?
I take care of my kids.
When?
When I'm not with you guys, man.
When is that? You're
with us all the time.
Look, I see my girl the
first Saturday of the month,
and I see my little boy the
last Saturday of the month.
Now wait a minute.
You have two babies
and two girlfriends?
And no job.
Exactly. That's why I
can't see my babies.
The mothers and their mothers
won't let me see
them until I have a job.
So then why don't you get a job?
Look, there are no
jobs out there. I tried.
Look, I don't understand.
I got a job.
I may not have a
date, but I got a job.
Dan, you're a copy boy.
Oh, I'm sorry!
But I couldn't wait for
a $50,000-a-week job.
My job pays cold hard cash.
Danny, put your
money away, okay?
That's right. Put
it away, little man.
It's fine by me, man, all right?
I'll be standing as tall as you
once I'm standing on my wallet.
All right, look, do me a favor.
How many of you in this
room do not have jobs?
Raise your hand, please.
All right. While your
hands are up in the air,
please, look down at your feet.
I see some very
expensive sneakers.
I run errands now and then.
I'll scuffle if I have to.
I got mine for my birthday.
You should have gotten
your birthday money
and given it to your kids.
What am I supposed
to do for sneakers, man?
By discount skiffs.
He's buggin'!
Not the shoes! Not the shoes!
You would rather keep those
sneakers than feed your kids?
Copy shop, shoe money
is not gonna take
care of your kids.
Well, at least I would
have made an effort.
Now we're getting
to the statistics.
Now why don't you tell everyone
here about your girlfriend, Ben?
Okay.
My girlfriend's pregnant,
and we're getting married,
and I'm getting a job.
That's good.
Now, where do you
intend to find this job, Ben?
In the newspaper,
the classifieds.
And if I have to,
the obituaries.
I know those people won't
be going to work on Monday.
Well, uh... Let's get past that.
Now, Cal, do you want a job?
Yeah, but I want
one that pays well.
I understand that.
But, son, life doesn't
work that way.
I mean, you just don't
stand on the corner
hoping for people
to come by and say,
"Is there anybody here with
two kids and two girlfriends
who wants $55,000 a week?"
Now, what can you do?
I don't know what I can do.
I don't know how to do anything.
I had a job at the supermarket.
It paid minimum wage,
and they treated me like I
was at the bottom of the pile
and that's where
I was gonna stay.
I don't want to be a statistic.
Okay, you don't know
how to do anything.
And I'm telling you
that what you've got to do now
is you've got to learn how
to want to be something.
How?
You pick!
Pick?
That all I have to do is pick?
Pick! That's all!
I mean, the second
thing you do after you pick
is figure out if that's
really what you want to do,
what you want to be.
And then the next thing you do,
is go out and find out
how to become that.
No, no. That's easy for
you to say, Dr. Huxtable.
You're a doctor!
I hate to tell you this, man,
but I'm not the issue.
I have a job.
Don't throw it this way.
It belongs in your court, son.
I'm trying to help you to think.
Now pick.
What would you like to be?
Um... I wanna be...
a lab technician.
Great.
And you just happen to know
a person who's in medicine.
You're gonna give me a job?
No, I'm not gonna
give you a job.
What kind of business
do you think I'm running?
No, but I'm going to
help you get started
en route to becoming one.
Fine, you helped
Cal, Dr. Huxtable.
But what about me?
Well, what about you?
Come on. Tell me.
What do you want to be?
A wild-animal trainer.
I want you to go out to the zoo
first thing in the morning.
Go in the cage.
You understand me?
And then you dance around,
and if they don't eat
you up, then that's what...
Does anybody here seriously
want to talk about what
they want to become?
Yes, sir.
I'd like to be a singer.
[all laugh]
Wait. Now wait.
We're onto something
here that I think I can handle.
Now if you want to be a singer,
then you take lessons.
Have you taken lessons?
Yes, sir. I have taken lessons.
You've taken lessons.
And none of your friends
know anything about
these lessons you've taken.
The garage. [all laugh]
Then you wouldn't be
embarrassed to sing for us?
No.
Not at all.
♪ I can tell you how I feel ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ And all the things
that I could do ♪
♪ To show you the
love I have is true ♪
♪ There are many
words that I can say ♪
♪ Some melodies
that I'd like to play ♪
♪ And this will show you ♪
♪ The love I have ♪
♪ Is true ♪
Thank you very much.
[applause]
Now there we have, in this room,
is the only person who right now
can go out on the street corner
and wait for somebody
to come by and get him.
That's our seminar
for today, men.
[all yelling]
Whoa! Whoa! What happened?
Seems like things perked
up once I left the room.
Well, no, we're just really
getting warmed up now,
and if we could have more time,
it would be wonderful.
Okay.
I'll see if I can move the For
Women Only group to room 203 then.
[all] Thank you! All right!
All right! Yeah!
Okay, now, what I
want to tell you is...
See, now that... [all] Oh, man!
I thought I told you kids
to put that thing on mute.
[video game noises] Let's...
Ooh!
Ha ha!
Dad, did Clair come in?
What about Olivia?
Did... did... Ooh!
Did you send Marlon home?
What? What? What? What?
Oh, you're on the 20th level.
Yeah! Mm!
Watch out behind you!
The squirrel's behind you!
Squirrel! Mm! Watch this!
I got him! I got him! I got him!
[grunts]
Die, squirrel!
[video game music]
That's the last nut
you'll ever steal.
[video game music]
♪♪ [theme]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
[video game noises]
Hey, how's everybody?
[both] Hello.
Boy, oh, boy!
Work out!
You're just gonna wear
those little thumbs of yours out.
I don't have any money
to buy any new thumbs.
[fake laugh] [fake laugh]
Look, why don't you turn
down that medieval mayhem?
That's much better. Whoo!
Hello, son.
Hey, Dad. How you doing?
[both] Hi, Grandpa Huxtable.
Hello there.
You all ready to babysit?
Absolutely.
Okay. Well, everything's
gonna be easy for you.
Sandra and Elvin took
the twins with them.
And these two, any time you
wanna feed Miss Thing over here,
you just unplug both of
them and send him home.
Russell. Hi.
We better get going, Cliff. We're gonna
be late for for the community center.
I have a legal clinic.
I have to be on time.
And I know that you don't want to
miss a moment of "For Men Only."
There you go!
For Men Only, Cliff?
And you didn't invite me?
Well, Dad, this is a
class for teenage men.
I'm sorry. See, Theo came to me,
and he said, "Dad,
I'd like you to go down
"to one of the community
centers there and teach this class."
And, you know, my son.
So they said, well, this
one will be for men only,
and, uh... it's
going pretty well.
This is my second
one, and, uh...
if this works out all right,
I might even, you know,
just take it on the road.
Get a bus, you know.
Dr. Cliff Huxtable,
For Men Only.
And if I get enough out of this,
I might take you as a roadie.
And exactly what kind of
knowledge is your husband
passing onto these young people?
He won't tell me.
Well, that's because
it's for men only,
don't you understand?
But I will tell you.
See, what I'm doing is I'm talking to
these boys about careers, you see?
And I'm giving them all kinds
of ideas about how to get jobs.
And you think you should
be teaching that, Cliff?
None of your children have jobs.
And yours do, Clair?
But really, I just think that
you are absolutely jealous,
and I hope that you do
not talk to those young men
the way that you're
talking to me now
and ridiculing me
in front of my father.
Clair can't say anything about
you that I don't already know.
Thank you, my father.
In this box contains
the key to job success.
What is in this box?
[humming fanfare]
Cliff, that is Olivia's
Love My Dolly.
That's okay. He can borrow it.
What I'm starting out with here
is the way we come into
the world, with no fear.
You understand?
And that's what I want
to deliver to the boys.
There's no fear.
All you have to do is get
what is rightfully yours,
the way you come in.
[Cliff] You see?
You understand that?
Well, if you don't
understand that,
then you have a
defeatist attitude.
It's a great message, honey,
but that is the sorriest
symbol I've ever seen.
It is not a sorry symbol!
This is a great symbol.
This is the way you come in.
Look at the innocence
of it. It has no fear.
You say, "Go get it."
It'll crawl to it. It'll do it.
They'll understand it,
because they will not have
a defeatist attitude, you see?
And if... If you didn't have
such a defeatist attitude,
I might let you sit in
the back of my class.
I might enjoy that,
but it's for men only.
Well, I'll give you a moustache.
Uh, toodle-oo.
So, are either of you
young people hungry?
[both] No.
Thirsty? No.
Alive? [both laugh]
Man, I got things to do.
I don't need to be here.
Yes, you do. It's mandatory if you
wanna play in the basketball league.
Yeah, right.
Just last week, the good
doctor told us about etiquette.
Like I'm going to use etiquette
on the basketball court.
[all laugh]
Well, personally,
I learned a lot.
What did you learn?
Well, now I know how to
make proper introductions.
For what? You don't know nobody.
He's right.
Dr. Huxtable's tips
helped me through
an awkward social
situation just last week.
How?
I went to my history teacher
and I said, "Excuse me, sir,
"but the news of this pop quiz
"has come as
quite a shock to me.
Might I impose on your
graciousness for a deferment?"
Did he go for it?
In a way.
He said, "How handsomely
phrased, Herman.
Now sharpen your pencil."
I felt better about myself.
Thank you very much.
[all laugh]
Okay, gentlemen, it's time.
I see you guys learned
something about etiquette last week.
I'm impressed.
Well, I would like to reintroduce
our guest Dr. Huxtable
for the second week of
our seminar "For Men Only."
[All] What's up?
What's happening?
I have a question. Oh. Already?
If this quote-unquote
seminar is for men only,
then why is Ms.
Fliarnino still here?
Well, Ms. Fliarnino...
I can answer that one.
Uh, Ben, since Ms. Fliarnino
got the grant for
the use of this facility
and the basketball uniforms, the
equipment, and the summer camp,
Ms. Fliarnino thought that it would
be right for her to be at this class...
which she could have called
"For Men Only and Ms. Fliarnino."
[all] Ohh.
I'll leave them in
your hands, okay?
Thank you.
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
All right. Any questions?
Uh, Dr. Huxtable? Yes.
I have to take issue with
you on an etiquette matter.
All right.
Well, according
to your teachings,
when going on the stairs, the
men should precede the woman.
Absolutely.
What we're talking
about is etiquette.
You go first. If the
woman stumbles,
you are there to break her fall.
Okay. That's
fine in theory... sir.
But suppose the woman
weighs 240 pounds.
I mean...
don't you think etiquette
would tell her to go first?
There's no sense in
taking both of us out.
In this particular case, Abe,
I think that I have
to agree with you.
And if you ever find
somebody that large,
put 'em on the elevator.
Hey, what's in the box?
I'm glad you asked.
Gentlemen, in this box
is the key to your success.
In this box, gentlemen,
I tell you now, is
the core, the root,
and the center to your careers.
Ha ha!
Gentlemen.
That's a baby.
Exactly!
It's not my baby!
It's not my baby.
And we know it's not Dan's baby.
No, no, wait a minute.
This is the old scam.
I mean, we come here
thinking we're getting job advice,
but instead we're getting
the old birth control lecture.
[all] Oh, man!
No. No. That is
not what this is.
This is a symbol, gentlemen.
Man, we're tired of
hearing about all of this.
We hear this is
school, in church,
and on those PBS specials.
Man, you don't watch PBS!
Hey, I watched that
one special called
Inner City Male Youth:
For The Love Of
God, Run For Your Life.
They keep calling us
the Lost Generation.
But I'm not lost. Are you lost?
Man, I'm not
lost. I'm right here.
I'm not going anywhere,
and I'm tired of being
blamed for everything.
I hear they're now starting to
blame us for the greenhouse effect.
And if a whale is
missing, we stole it.
If you all are finished,
then I will continue.
This is about careers.
Then why did you
bring the baby here?
It has nothing to
do with the baby.
So then what'd you
bring the baby here for?
[video game noises]
Here's a glass of milk.
[both] Not now, thanks.
Oh. All right, you
two. I've had enough.
I wanna learn that game.
You can have my control.
Good. Now, what
am I supposed to do?
Press A to move
faster, B to go backward.
C to jump up, and D to
fire the flaming ball of death.
Ooh!
That seems reasonable.
Ah.
[video game noises]
Now where am I?
You're the winged
prince in the corner.
Oh, you mean that
well-muscled lad.
Yeah!
Now what am I supposed to do?
You're supposed to go to the
tree and get the gold acorns.
And throw them
at the giant squirrel.
I got the acorns.
Where's the squirrel?
He'll show up. You have
to put them in your satchel.
I don't have a satchel.
You have to get it
from under the rock.
No, no! Get the chalice!
You need it for power!
But he needs the satchel!
He has to put the chalice
in the satchel anyway!
He needs to get
the chalice first
and put the acorns
in the chalice!
There's no time!
Oh, no! There's
the giant squirrel!
What do I do? What do I do?
Run cover! Under the
bush! Under the bush!
No! Throw the
acorns! The acorns!
Hit B!
Hit A then hit C then B! D!
You threw a fireball!
The bush is burning!
Get the hose!
Oh! Oh, Grandpa!
Whew!
Whew!
You wanna start over, Grandpa?
We'll start you over again.
Uh, no, no.
I didn't realize you'd
have these games.
I brought another
game we could all play.
Okay! Load it up!
Well, this one
doesn't need a TV.
Oh. it's a pocket
game, like Game Guy.
I love Game Guy!
No, it's not a Game Guy.
It's actually a game
that's been played
by millions of people
from Beijing to Brooklyn...
and all the Huxtables.
Wow!
Well, what it it?
It's, um... Well,
clear the table.
It's called Pick-Up Sticks.
Where's the rest of it?
There is no more. That's it.
That's it?
There's no batteries
or anything?
What kind of game is this?
It don't need any batteries.
No batteries?
How do you play?
Well, you drop
the colorful sticks
just as I've done
just right now.
And then you try to pick
them up with your fingers.
Come on. Where's the real game?
This is it.
Now the object is not to
move any of the other sticks
or you lose your turn.
The one with the most
sticks at the end wins.
Wanna try?
I don't think so.
No, thank you. We're
better with our thumbs.
Well, then you'll
love Tiddlywinks.
Timblyfinks? What's
wrong with him?
Well, whatever it is, win fast
so we can get back
to the real game.
The baby's going into the box.
We are not worried
about the baby anymore.
We are now talking about
other issues of responsibility.
I'll take responsibility
for myself, Dr. Huxtable,
but I'm tired of taking the blame
for everything bad that happens.
Yeah, that's right. People
think of us as negative statistics.
They think half
of us is in prison,
and the other half of
us are making babies.
And frankly, I'm
not doing either one.
We know that, Dan.
Hey, look, look, look,
all I know is I'm
just trying to make it.
Make what? The only think
you've made is two babies.
What? What, uh...
What? Who made what?
Me, Dr. Huxtable.
I made two babies.
But I'm not like those guys
on the PBS special, okay?
I take care of my kids.
When?
When I'm not with you guys, man.
When is that? You're
with us all the time.
Look, I see my girl the
first Saturday of the month,
and I see my little boy the
last Saturday of the month.
Now wait a minute.
You have two babies
and two girlfriends?
And no job.
Exactly. That's why I
can't see my babies.
The mothers and their mothers
won't let me see
them until I have a job.
So then why don't you get a job?
Look, there are no
jobs out there. I tried.
Look, I don't understand.
I got a job.
I may not have a
date, but I got a job.
Dan, you're a copy boy.
Oh, I'm sorry!
But I couldn't wait for
a $50,000-a-week job.
My job pays cold hard cash.
Danny, put your
money away, okay?
That's right. Put
it away, little man.
It's fine by me, man, all right?
I'll be standing as tall as you
once I'm standing on my wallet.
All right, look, do me a favor.
How many of you in this
room do not have jobs?
Raise your hand, please.
All right. While your
hands are up in the air,
please, look down at your feet.
I see some very
expensive sneakers.
I run errands now and then.
I'll scuffle if I have to.
I got mine for my birthday.
You should have gotten
your birthday money
and given it to your kids.
What am I supposed
to do for sneakers, man?
By discount skiffs.
He's buggin'!
Not the shoes! Not the shoes!
You would rather keep those
sneakers than feed your kids?
Copy shop, shoe money
is not gonna take
care of your kids.
Well, at least I would
have made an effort.
Now we're getting
to the statistics.
Now why don't you tell everyone
here about your girlfriend, Ben?
Okay.
My girlfriend's pregnant,
and we're getting married,
and I'm getting a job.
That's good.
Now, where do you
intend to find this job, Ben?
In the newspaper,
the classifieds.
And if I have to,
the obituaries.
I know those people won't
be going to work on Monday.
Well, uh... Let's get past that.
Now, Cal, do you want a job?
Yeah, but I want
one that pays well.
I understand that.
But, son, life doesn't
work that way.
I mean, you just don't
stand on the corner
hoping for people
to come by and say,
"Is there anybody here with
two kids and two girlfriends
who wants $55,000 a week?"
Now, what can you do?
I don't know what I can do.
I don't know how to do anything.
I had a job at the supermarket.
It paid minimum wage,
and they treated me like I
was at the bottom of the pile
and that's where
I was gonna stay.
I don't want to be a statistic.
Okay, you don't know
how to do anything.
And I'm telling you
that what you've got to do now
is you've got to learn how
to want to be something.
How?
You pick!
Pick?
That all I have to do is pick?
Pick! That's all!
I mean, the second
thing you do after you pick
is figure out if that's
really what you want to do,
what you want to be.
And then the next thing you do,
is go out and find out
how to become that.
No, no. That's easy for
you to say, Dr. Huxtable.
You're a doctor!
I hate to tell you this, man,
but I'm not the issue.
I have a job.
Don't throw it this way.
It belongs in your court, son.
I'm trying to help you to think.
Now pick.
What would you like to be?
Um... I wanna be...
a lab technician.
Great.
And you just happen to know
a person who's in medicine.
You're gonna give me a job?
No, I'm not gonna
give you a job.
What kind of business
do you think I'm running?
No, but I'm going to
help you get started
en route to becoming one.
Fine, you helped
Cal, Dr. Huxtable.
But what about me?
Well, what about you?
Come on. Tell me.
What do you want to be?
A wild-animal trainer.
I want you to go out to the zoo
first thing in the morning.
Go in the cage.
You understand me?
And then you dance around,
and if they don't eat
you up, then that's what...
Does anybody here seriously
want to talk about what
they want to become?
Yes, sir.
I'd like to be a singer.
[all laugh]
Wait. Now wait.
We're onto something
here that I think I can handle.
Now if you want to be a singer,
then you take lessons.
Have you taken lessons?
Yes, sir. I have taken lessons.
You've taken lessons.
And none of your friends
know anything about
these lessons you've taken.
The garage. [all laugh]
Then you wouldn't be
embarrassed to sing for us?
No.
Not at all.
♪ I can tell you how I feel ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ And all the things
that I could do ♪
♪ To show you the
love I have is true ♪
♪ There are many
words that I can say ♪
♪ Some melodies
that I'd like to play ♪
♪ And this will show you ♪
♪ The love I have ♪
♪ Is true ♪
Thank you very much.
[applause]
Now there we have, in this room,
is the only person who right now
can go out on the street corner
and wait for somebody
to come by and get him.
That's our seminar
for today, men.
[all yelling]
Whoa! Whoa! What happened?
Seems like things perked
up once I left the room.
Well, no, we're just really
getting warmed up now,
and if we could have more time,
it would be wonderful.
Okay.
I'll see if I can move the For
Women Only group to room 203 then.
[all] Thank you! All right!
All right! Yeah!
Okay, now, what I
want to tell you is...
See, now that... [all] Oh, man!
I thought I told you kids
to put that thing on mute.
[video game noises] Let's...
Ooh!
Ha ha!
Dad, did Clair come in?
What about Olivia?
Did... did... Ooh!
Did you send Marlon home?
What? What? What? What?
Oh, you're on the 20th level.
Yeah! Mm!
Watch out behind you!
The squirrel's behind you!
Squirrel! Mm! Watch this!
I got him! I got him! I got him!
[grunts]
Die, squirrel!
[video game music]
That's the last nut
you'll ever steal.
[video game music]
♪♪ [theme]
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA