The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 8, Episode 4 - Pam Applies to College - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Okay, Andre. If that's the
way you feel about it, fine.

If you can handle
it all without me,

I'll be in the
living room, here.

On the couch.

Reading the home owner's manual,

if you need me.

[hammering]

Why must you bother Andre?

I am not bothering Andre, dear.

The man does a terrific job.



But no man is an island.

[doorbell rings, drags to halt]

You see...

that doorbell was
one of your jobs.

Hi! Charmaine!
Hi. Good afternoon.

Lance? Mr. Huxtable.

Dr. Huxtable, I presume.

Well, the Inseparables!
Have a sit-down.

Pam! Company!

[Pan] Thank you! In a minute!

Oh, we don't
mean to disturb you.

We can go into the kitchen, if
you need your solitary space,

though I understand
that room is in disarray.

You might not wanna show
us the seamy side of your life.



That's very considerate.

What's up with you two?

Oh, we've been down to
our guidance counselor.

He's been helping
us apply to college.

College, huh?

That's right,
Dr. Huxtable. Yeah.

Though I'm a bit distraught

over the further
pursuit of my...

Educational goals.

Oh, Lance, don't worry.
You're going to college.

Oh, I ain't worried about that.

I'm committed to
attaining an education,

and a degree, and bringing it

back to my community.

Now that's admirable.

See, more people
should be like you.

Thank you. I'll tell 'em.

Why are you concerned?

Oh, I just don't wanna
pay the application fee.

Ohhh! Well, you don't wanna

pay the application
fee... No, Dr. Huxtable!

Some of these places
charge up to $50 a pop!

Hey, I know. I've been
popped four times.

Then you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

Now look at this
slick number here,

from Caisin College.

Now it look like they
trying to sell me a new car.

What is a bikini-clad
woman doing

in front of the physics lab?

I mean, with all due respect,

isn't that a scam?

Well, despite this
display, Lance,

this is still a
very good school.

Yes. And that is still
a very good scam.

But I ain't goin' for it.

I ain't payin' $50 for that.

Then how are you going to apply?

I'm gonna post-date
all my checks.

[cracks up]

Yeah! Then if they reject me,

I just call the bank.

Oh, okay. [all laughing]

Doctor and Mrs. Huxtable.

Lance will fill these
applications out,

error-free. We're going
to the same college,

where his behavior will
reflect on me personally.

And I will not have bounced
checks on my transcript.

[Pam] Charmaine! Come on up!

Oh. Excuse me.

See you later, baby.

Lance, don't use
outside words inside.

[knock on door]

Umm... wait a
minute! Just a second!

Okay. Come in.

Hey! Homie, don't
get too excited.

I've almost finished sewing
your new knock-out dress.

Oh! Lemme see... No!

No, not till it's finished.

I don't want any
buyer's remorse.

Oh, Pam, I don't
know where I'd be

without my best friend.

And I'm not just
saying that because

you're makin' me look good.

But I am. [giggles]

And speaking of looking good,

I was down at our guidance
counselor's office today.

Mr. [pant, pant] Bostic?

What were you doin'?

Planning your honeymoon?

No. We were talkin'
about my future.

And you should go in
and talk about yours, too.

Just mine? Or his and mine?

Get serious, now.

Are you planning on
goin' to college, or what?

I'm goin'.

Unless, of course,

Mr. [pant, pant]
Bostic proposes.

Come on, Pam.
This is your future.

Now stay focused.

You need Mr. Bostic's
guidance and advice.

And if I were you,

I'd wear my new bowling shirt.

It's been said he's in a league.

Mmm! All right.

Don't do it.

So. This is the
counselor's office. Yep.

What does it remind you of?

I don't know. What?

Vice-principal's office.
Third grade detention?

Oh, right. For putting those
Board of Health stickers

on the cafeteria door.

I remember everyone screaming,
"My hot dog's condemned!"

[screaming] [laughing]

Girl, you gotta
let go of that now.

Well, you know, I'm just
goin' in to see my counselor.

All I have to do is
go in and tell him

the colleges I want.

Are you still planning to
apply to those schools?

Mm-hm. Same
ones you're going to.

Penn, Hillman,
and Bowling Green.

Those are the ones.

Pam, those are very
hard schools to get into.

So? We always said we'd
go through life together.

You're goin'? I'm goin'.

Okay. Mr. Bostic
is a good counselor.

Maybe he knows
something I don't.

Oh... and Pam?

You got a little
lipstick right there.

Miss Tucker. Come on in.

Go get him, girl. I'll be
here when you get out.

[softly] Yes. Okay.

Hi, Mr. Ha... Bostic.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I'm ready.

I mean, for college.

You're interested in
college. I didn't know that.

Yes, well, I've been
keeping it under wraps,

but, uh, now it's
time for the big push.

Oh, I see.

I'll be attending college

with my best friend, Charmaine,

at Penn, Hillman,
or Bowling Green.

Now, Pam. Come on.

Why did you really wanna see me?

I'm serious.

I wanna go to those schools.

Pam, the grade point
average to those schools is 3.7.

Your grade average is 1.9.

Mr. Bostic.

It's my understanding
that these colleges

look at a little bit more
than just your grades.

Well, now, that's true.

But they also look
at SAT scores.

Yes. SAT scores. Now,
standardized tests, that's me.

Pam, you got a 750 out of 1,600,

when you took 'em last spring.

Now that's well below average.

Last spring, huh?

[whispers] Last spring.

Mm! Bad vibes.

Just got out of a
terrible relationship.

He wasn't college
material, and that's

what really held me back.

Listen, Pam.

When are we gonna
start looking at this thing

realistically, huh?

Mr. Bostic!

I assumed you were on my side.

I mean, it's also
my understanding

that these colleges
make exceptions

for those students
who have potential.

Especially those who come from

a disadvantaged neighborhood.

Now, Pam, I know all
about your neighborhood.

Then you understand.

I'm a product of that reality,

and that's what
really held me back.

Pam, right now,
there are 14 students

from your
neighborhood in college.

14. And trust me,

not one of them got
there on their personality.

Single-parent families? Some.

Working mothers? Every one.

You have all the
answers, don't you?

Look, Pam, I'm...

I'm not trying to
discourage you.

I mean, you really have grown.

See? Now, that's what
I'm trying to tell you!

My grades have
gone up this year.

There's even an A in there!

I know. There's some B's!

Look at those hard-workin' B's.

Pam, look. It takes more
than one semester of work

to get into college.

But I wanna go!

My suggestion to
you is that you apply

at one of the local
community colleges.

No, I wanna go away to
college with Charmaine.

Charmaine worked hard.

And she's qualified.

Now if you do the same,

you can apply at
those same schools

in a couple years.

Is that your final offer?

Pam, this is not an offer.

Look, I'm not saying that you're
not eligible for those schools.

But the probability
of acceptance

is extremely remote.

One in 10,000, maybe.

Oh! One in 10,000, maybe. Okay.

Just so I know my odds.

Well, thank you, Mr. Bostic.

Listen, if I can help you
in any other way, I'm here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

Hey! How'd it go?

Fine.

But did you know
that Mr. Bostic is one of

the ugliest men I've
ever seen in my life?

What? Oh, yeah.
Didn't you ever notice

the hair growing
out of his ears?

And the mole on his neck
that moves when he talks?

Not our Mr. Bostic. Oh, yeah.

I'm surprised you didn't notice,

as studious as you are.

What did he say about
you going to a university?

Oh, he said I was eligible.

One of the last things
he said was, I'm eligible.

Really? Yeah.

So let's go fill out these
college applications.

Come on, Charmaine!
Don't hold me back!

All right, see you later, Andre!

Nice job!

Now...

We will see.

Ah ha ha... All right, Andre.

Mm-hm.

Nice work. Ni... Wup!

Wah...?

I...

Hammer time.

Hi. Hey!

[crunch] Oh!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Oh... Did I do that?

Well, dear, look. Things
happen, you know? Oh...

But don't worry about it, honey.

Look, this'll be just between
you and me. That's all.

No. No, no, no.

Go ahead. Tell
everybody Pam did it.

Pam did it! Pam did it!

Pam does everything wrong.

No, no. Okay, Pam. Look.

You didn't do it. I did it.

Cousin Cliff, please
don't patronize me.

I've got a big
project in front of me.

I gotta fill out all these
college applications,

with no help from my
guidance counselor.

You mean Mr. [pant, pant, pant]?

Yeah. That geek.

Geek?

Now why is he a
geek, all of a sudden?

[sighs] I don't mean
to be disrespectful,

but I really don't want
to go into this right now.

I've got Penn, Hillman, and
Bowling Green on my back.

University of Pennsylvania?

Okay.

Oh! Are you another one who
says I'm not qualified for anything?

No. No, no. I'm...
[stammers] Listen.

When you're focused, you
can do whatever you wanna do.

Yeah, I can go into
demolitions, right now!

Pam! You didn't do this!

You didn't do it, okay?

Okay. All right.

Oh, well. Gotta get back to
these college applications. All right.

You know, all this
time, you people tell me,

"Go to college. Go to college."

Now I wanna go to college,
and you people won't let me in.

I wish you people would
make up your mind!

Mind your business!
Somethin'! I don't know!

[sighs]

Ooh!

There's no ooh. See?

You come down
here, and right away,

the first thing you do is, ooo!

You're as bad as Mrs. Huxtable.

This is an air hole.

Okay? It's an air hole.

Come here. Come here.

Now put your hand in it.

Put your hand in there.

What do you feel?

What do you feel? Nothing!

That's right. Air.

Uh-huh.

Put your hand out.

What do you feel?

Air.

[clears throat]

Right a 200-word essay
on whatever you desire.

"Okay. Let us not
beat around the bush.

"My GPA and SAT scores are low.

"But that's just the paper me.

"I invite you here to meet
those who know me best.

"My cousins, Dr. Huxtable,

"Clair Huxtable, attorney,

"and all their college-
attending children.

"When you see
my world, you'll see

"I'm really, really,
really a nice person.

Really."

Damn.

[knocking] Come in.

Hi.

I'm practicing
for show and tell.

Would you like to watch?

Oh... sorry. I'm busy right now.

Oh. This is my first show
and tell in the whole world.

I don't wanna bomb.

Okay, okay. But
just a little bit.

Okay. Places, everyone! Places!

Hello, everyone. This
is a real genuine oyster,

which Denise and my
Dad sent from Hong Kong.

Say hello, Mr. Oyster.

[in funny voice] Hel-lo!

Now, when Mr. Oyster
here eats a grain of sand,

it sits in his tummy
and he has "nigestions".

And then he makes a pearl.

But if you get a lot of
oysters with indigestion,

you can make a whole necklace.

Isn't that wonderful?

[crying] Mmm...

I'm sorry! I'm
sorry! He won't die!

It's just a tummy ache!

It's not Mr. Oyster, Olivia.

It's Miss Pam.

Do you have a tummy ache, too?

No, no, no. You
don't understand.

See, I was just minding
my own business,

for three years of high school.

Now, come senior year,

my best friend is leavin' me.

[both crying] Oh... I'm sorry.

[both still crying] Me, too.

I didn't know. I
didn't know, either.

And now I can't make it up!

All those times I
could have studied...

oh, I was stupid!

I coulda done better
in those classes.

Now she's going away
to some big university

and leaving me all alone.

No, you won't be all alone.

[both crying]

We'll be together.

We'll do our homework together.

We'll go to college together.

[both crying]

Oh, Olivia, you so sweet.

You are, too.

I think I need to be
alone for a while, okay?

Okay, buddy.

Pam?

Yes.

Now that we're best friends...

I was thinking... that
we could move Rudy

in with the twins.

And I could move
in with you, buddy.

Let's think on it.

Okay. Buddy.

If you need me, buddy,
you know where I am.

Thanks a lot, Andre!

Did a wonderful job!

And I'll keep those
children away from that wall!

[Cliff] Oh-oh.

Bad day at the office?

You had show and tell today.

What happened with the oyster?

Well, I was the last one

to get up and show
my talking oyster.

And just when I was
about to make it talk,

there was a fire drill.

Then everyone
started to marching out.

The teacher said,

"Olivia, get your
clam and let's go."

So you didn't get to do it?

No.

Well, would you like to do
your show and tell for us?

No, I don't think
she wants to do that.

Because, see, the
oyster's very, very tired.

And the oyster wants to sleep.

That's how they make the pearls.

They sleep a lot. And
when they turn over,

it starts to agitate.

And that's when
the pearls come up.

So it should sleep. Now.

Oh, no!

He wants to talk!

So you should assemble
everybody in the living room, Olivia.

And then we'll come in there,

and you can do your
show and tell for us.

Okay. But we better eat late.

I have lots to cover. Okay.

And Cliff, you should
hurry up and come, too

because you're
gonna wanna hear this.

That oyster's gonna tell
us something about a hole.

And when we get in this room,

you keep your mouth shut.

Pam, are those your college
applications in the trash?

Did I miss something?

Oh, that's history.

I'm not ready for
those schools yet.

Oh, Pam, but you're good enough.

Well... let's just say our
paths may cross someday,

but right now, I'm leaving it
up to my friend Charmaine

to blaze the trail. Yes. Oops...

I thought this would
be so hard for you.

Oh, no. Not a
problem. Not a problem.

Well, you know, I may not
get into all those schools.

Charmaine, you'll get in.

Well, Bowling Green
I feel confident about.

And maybe Hillman.

It certainly would be a gift

to have all three under my belt,

step back, make a
luxurious decision,

and hit the campus.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.

But you've got to stop jigglin'.

Yeah, okay.

Well, you know, I
can't decide whether

to study in the wide-open
spaces of the Midwest,

or to keep on the pulse of the city
at the University of Pennsylvania,

although I plan to
succeed at either.

Ouch!

Honey, do you
have any dull pins?

Doin' the best I can. [chuckles]

Well, I don't mean to
keep goin' on about myself.

Oh, that's okay. You're not the
only one with pins. I mean, plans.

Plans? Really?
Well, out with it, girl.

Come on. What do you
plan on doing next year?

Well, I've been kicking
around a few ideas.

But I'm really leaning
toward California.

California?

To be with my mother
and my grandmother.

All the way across the country?

Yeah! Who knows?

I'll probably study design,

and get a job in some
costume department

at a big Hollywood studio.

Ooh, and you better introduce me

to all your celebrity friends.

Oh, Charmaine. They're
just like you and me.

Pam, if you go
out to California,

when are we gonna
see each other?

Well, when were you
plannin' on seein' me?

Well, you know, I thought
you'd still be in New York!

And on weekends, I'd invite you
down to the dorms to stay with me!

Ouch!

You know, you're
gonna lose that job

if you treat those
stars like you treat me.

I plan to be professional.

I plan to succeed at
what I do, too, Charmaine!

Well, I never said you
wouldn't be professional!

Well, you never
said I had anything

to offer, either!
Well, I guess I didn't!

Well, I guess next
year we'll find out if I do!

Pam, I never thought
about you not succeeding.

I mean, you were always so
much more talented than me,

with your... your
fashion, and your singing.

Your creativity,
your sense of humor.

I mean, it was just a matter
of which way you wanted to go.

And if it wasn't for you, I'd
be a social seaweed today.

Pitiful flotsam, bobbing
on the East River.

You're my best friend.

[both crying] I know.
And you're mine.

And I love you. I really do.

I love you, too.

And we'll always
be together, right?

Yes, we will. Even
when we're apart?

Yes, you know
it. That's not fair.

Don't make me cry again.

Well, I'm entitled.
You're my homie.

[both crying]

[knocking on door]

[both] Come in!

What's the matter?

[crying]

We're best friends.
I understand.

My buddies! Yeah!

[all crying]

We're all buddies. Yeah.

♪♪ [theme]

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