The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 8, Episode 23 - Some Gifts Aren't Deductible - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪ Whoa, whoa, and
whaddya wanna do? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, and
how do you wanna say? ♪

♪ Ah, there's my
yella rose of taxes ♪

What's the matter with
you, IRS got your tongue?

Now what has gotten into you?

It is tax time!

I know what time it is.

Who are you and what have
you done to my husband?

No, no, the Cliff
I know at tax time

is grumbling around this
house barking at the furniture,



"Why aren't you deductible?"

I don't remember my
behavior being that bad.

Need I bring out the
letters that have been written

to various presidents
throughout the years?

Yes, there were times,
but that is the past.

I am now a new person.

So does this mean that I will
have your full cooperation this year?

You're going to
hand over the receipts

and let me take
them to the accountant

and the accountant and
I will work this thing out?

The receipts and
you shall go forth.

This is a new attitude.

I'm going to go get my pencil.

Yes.



And I'm going to meet you

and your new attitude
in the dining room.

Okay.

All right with me.

[knock on door]

Enter!

Kenny, my main man.

No time for chitchat, sir.

Personal crisis.
Romantic variety.

Anything I can do?

You can point me towards Rudy.

Oh, okay.

Rudy!

Oh, hi, Stanley.

Kenny, what in the...?

How did you get in here?

Do you live in a basement?

Would you excuse my
friend Rudy and me?

We need to talk.

Kenny, is there no one
else who would talk to you?

Where is your
alleged girlfriend?

Stanley, I find it fascinating

that you're obsessed
with my personal life.

It's almost as if you didn't
have one of your own.

Stanley, could you go
get us some juice, please?

Okay.

Oh, I like some
shaved ice in mine.

Don't worry, Ken,
I'll fix you a drink.

What can I do for you, friend?

It's Deirdre. I'm
in big trouble.

What happened?

You see, yesterday
was Deirdre's birthday,

and I bought her a special gift.

I even wrapped it myself.

What did you get her?

Tube socks.

Tube socks?

That's not very romantic.

But they are practical.

One size fits all.

But the problem is

I bought them to
school yesterday

and was about to
give them to Deirdre

when I overheard Deirdre
talking to Debbie Costa,

and Debbie Costa asked her
what she got for her birthday,

and she said,

"Well, my grandmother
sent me socks again."

Oh, not a good sign.

Well, there I was,
holding this grandma gift.

So I did what any man would do.

I lied.

I told her that I was giving
her a party tonight here.

[Stanley] You what?

Kenny, what is the
matter with you?

Well, I would've had it at my
house, but you know my brother.

I don't think he'd
make much of a host,

walking around
in that flannel robe.

He still has that robe?

Yeah.

Please, can you help me?

All right, but you gotta
talk to my father first.

Okay. He'll understand
an affair of the heart.

Hello, Dr. Huxtable!

Hey, hey, boy, I'm having
a good day now. Come on.

And who more
deserves it than you?

What do you want, Ken?

Well, you know who told me

that if there's
anything you can do

to help me with my love life?

No, I said, "Anything I can do?"

That's just it,
sir. And you can.

I was wondering if I
could use your backyard

for a little reception tonight.

A reception?

You and Deirdre getting married?

Would that we could, sir.

But I was just wondering

if I could use it to give
her a birthday party.

What kind of party?

Just the four of us.

It won't cost much, Dad.

"It won't cost much, Dad."

I will pay for it, sir.
I'll even work it off.

Look, I think that
Mrs. Huxtable and I

can absorb the costs of
some cookies and some chips,

and I think it will be okay

because I'm expecting
a big tax refund soon.

So that will be just fine, Ken.

Make it on me, all
right? Thank you, sir.

Yes, sir.

There goes a prince among men.

You're pushing it.

Okay!

All right now. Now here...

No, wait. Just...
Just... Let me just say.

You know, all you have to do

is give me the receipts,

and I will take them
to the accountant,

and we will take
care of everything.

Okay?

Now, first of all,

we will start with
our first defendant.

Dependent.

No, defendant.

I'm saying defendant.

And I defend the right

to write off Sondra,
Elvin, and the two children

as a charitable expense
and a medical expense.

Now, there.

Those are the receipts.

As a charitable expense?

Charitable expense.

They eat, they
sleep, they borrow,

and then they don't pay back.

Sondra, Elvin,
and the little dwarfs.

Sondra and Elvin are adults

who are earning their own wages.

Now what is this
medical expense?

The medical expense is mainly

because they have taken
at least a year off of my life.

Let's move on. Okay.

Now, next... Aha!

A perfect one I have here.

Under 18: Olivia!

Absolutely no income of her own.

That's a definite... Put
it down, put it down.

There you go.

That's the best
defendant we have.

The accountant has told me

that Martin and Denise
are claiming Olivia.

How?

He's out there on
a boat somewhere

with a little cute uniform,

running around
saying "Aye, aye, sir."

He is defending
his country, dear.

Big deal!

Look at this stack
of stuff that we spent.

This man did not come home

when it was time
to take the child out

on one of these field trips
that go to the museum...

Little children "I wanna
go to the bathroom"...

And he didn't have to do that.

Let's move on, dear.

Okay, next is Cousin Pam.

I spoke to her mother today.

Yes.

And she said we could
claim her as a dependant.

Thank you!

But I didn't feel
good about that.

Now, why didn't you
feel good about it?

Because Pam is
her daughter, dear.

By what definition
is she the daughter?

This is a chance for us
to write off somebody.

Sweetheart, let's move on.

Well...

Okay, all right.

Vanessa and Theo.

Yes, we do have
Vanessa and Theo.

You better believe it.

And look at all of this,
Vanessa and Theo.

Vanessa's in college.
She's our dependant.

Theo, my boy, I can
write him off forever, man.

Just in cereal alone,

we're gonna get back $18,000.

Put that down.

I got receipts for
all of that now.

You have receipts
for $18,000 in cereal.

You better believe it.

And guess what else I did.

I didn't put the coupons.

You know that we cut
out to buy the bread

and get 8 and 10 cents off.

I left them out.

I don't get it, Rudy.

How many times are we going
to have to bail out Mr. Slick?

Stanley, everybody
needs friends,

and Kenny is mine.

Besides, he really like Deirdre,

and I want to see him happy.

There's something I
should probably tell you.

It's about our guest
of honor Deirdre.

What's that? Well,
yesterday at school,

Deirdre came up to me and said,

"See you at the party at
Rudy's tomorrow night,"

and I said, "What party?"

and she said "Oh, it's
okay. It's not a surprise.

Kenny already
told me all about it."

And I said, "Well,
it's a surprise to me

'cause there's no party."

Oh, no.

That means that Deirdre
knows that Kenny was lying,

that this whole
thing is last-minute.

It does, doesn't it?

Why didn't you tell
Kenny this before?

I don't know.

I hope it doesn't
ruin the evening.

[doorbell rings, then buzzes]

[doorbell rings]

Oh, D-Deirdre. Happy Birthday.

Sell it somewhere else, Kenny.

I was just over at your house.

This guy in a robe
and a baseball cap

told me I could find you here.

That's not my brother.

Oh, tell me another
story, Kenny.

How about the one
about the birthday party

that none of my
friends are invited to?

Oh, there's a party.
It's just an intimate one.

How long have you been
planning this intimate party?

You mean in my
head or in my heart?

Forget it Kenny. From
the moment I met you,

all you've been doing is
making up stories and excuses

to get out of trouble.

You can't live your
life that way, Kenny,

and neither can I.

This is simply unacceptable.

Good-bye forever.

But, Deirdre, there's
an orchestra coming.

Kenny, get some help.

Oh, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny.

The balloons are up,

and the party's coming together.

What party?

The love of my
life is gone forever.

What happened?

She saw right through
my desperate party plans.

It's like she was psychic.

Kenny, don't feel bad.

It was just a matter of time

before she saw
through you anyway.

That is the last time, Stanley.

Kenny, why don't
you go talk to her?

I can't. She said
it was forever.

I can talk to her.

She wouldn't believe
you. You're my friend.

Stanley could talk to her.

Who? Who?

Come on you guys,
look at it this way.

Stanley thinks you're a creep.

If Stanley said nice
things about you,

Deirdre would
have to believe him.

That's if Stanley says
nice things about you.

Nope, forget it.

It's just the three of us again.

Forever.

I'll be at Deirdre's.

Thank you.

Ha ha ha!

I got it.

I got it!

Ta-da!

Sweetheart, I'm almost finished.

I'm almost finished.
Maybe you'd like

to go in the living
room and just relax.

No! No, we can't!

No, we can't. Check it out!

Bam! I got it.

The Patriot's
Guide to Taxpaying.

I got it!

Ta da!

Now... Where did you get that?

I got it down at
Carlton's Bookstore,

and it was the last one.

Now, look at this.

First of all, it's written
by Paxton Piedmont,

formerly with the IRS
before he was drummed out

for giving too many tax tips
to the American taxpayer.

You gonna read that whole book?

Listen, I've already
been skimming through it,

and I've got some
passages here for you.

Now, look at this.

"If you work for the government

"and are disabled
because of a terrorist attack,

you don't have to pay taxes."

But you don't work for
the government, dear,

and you are not disabled.

Just answer me this now.

Has or has not this
house been under siege?

Now, that's a good point.

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here's another one.

"If our trees are destroyed
by Southern Pine Beetles,

that's deductible."

Cliff, we don't
live in the South.

Bugs can migrate.

Didn't you have some
people up here from Virginia?

They came up here.

They could have
carried the little critters

on their clothes,

and they could've jumped
off, and they could've just...

It could've been a blight!

All in the backyard.

Gone! Stuff going...

I'm telling you, this
book is on the money.

Don't try to stop it.

Look over my shoulder.

Yes.

He says here, "This is a
delectable tax deduction."

Your office.

That is not deductible.

If the occupant, me,

has another office where
she performs most of her work,

a home office is not deductible.

And furthermore,

since we did add that room on

and increased the
value of the home,

our property taxes are going up.

That's not funny.

Let me ask you a question.

Are we in this together or what?

We are in this together,
but you know what?

I think I would do better

if I were in this room
by myself right now.

I could collect these receipts,

like we have to do
every year this time,

and take them to the accountant,

and between the
accountant and I,

we can figure this thing out.

We could write off this book.

Ahem.

Good afternoon.

Hey. Hi. How are you doing?

Dr. Huxtable, this is the
Uptown String Quartet.

Hi. I'm Diane.

I'm Lisa.

I'm Eileen.

And I'm Aunt Myrna.

My nephew asked us
to rehearse here tonight.

Okay.

Well, he didn't tell me anything

about the Uptown
String Quartet, Kenny.

Huh?

Listen, you all go ahead.
Don't let me stop you.

Enjoy yourselves.

Okay. All right.

Oww! What?

[playing "I Feel Good"]

Ow!

[all] Ow!

Kenny?

May I see you for
a moment, please?

Oh, excuse me.

Where's Deirdre?

She's in the living room.

What did she say?

I talked to her,

and she said before
she sees you again,

you must promise three things.

Well, name them.

Okay.

Number 1:

you agree to be completely
honest with Deirdre.

Done.

Number 2:

you must promise
to think of others

before you think of yourself.

Done.

And Number 3:

you must spend the
next six Saturdays

taking boyfriend lessons

from Stanley's School of Charm.

Oh, come on!
That's not on there.

Oh, but it is!

Oh, and, Kenny, I want
to help you so much.

Don't come near me, Stanley!

Well, Deirdre's
in the living room.

All you have to do
is sign right here.

Now I know I love her.

School starts next Saturday.

Hope you graduate.

Hi, Deirdre.

Hello, Kenny.

I got your note,
and I signed it.

I would have taken
your word for it,

but I wanted you to know
how serious I was about this.

I understand
that. I deserved it.

You know, Kenny,

one of the reasons I like you

is that you have a
great imagination.

I always admired the stories

you wrote in English class.

I just never thought

I'd be the twist in
one of your plots.

Well, I didn't mean
for it to happen,

and I didn't mean
to ruin your birthday.

I'm sorry.

But I just got you
the wrong present.

I panicked.

Kenny, it okay to panic,

It's when you try to cover it up

when you get in trouble.

You're right.

Why don't we just start
over and see how it goes?

Good idea.

Look, I know this is
a last-minute party,

but I'd be honored
if you'd come.

Okay, Kenny.

[all] Happy Birthday, Deirdre.

Thank you, Kenny.

May I have this dance?

Certainly.

Rudy?

♪♪ [Tango]

♪♪ [theme]

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