The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 8, Episode 21 - Rudy's Retreat - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

Cliff.

What are you doing?
That's dinner. I'm...

I know what time it's for.

I was just making a
little stew sandwich.

Well, at least
use a paper towel.

Well, can I have a cup?

How about if you
just get outta here?

Mmm! You used
to be a nice person,

but now you are n-n-n-no good.

Cold woman, too.



Bye, Mom. Dinner at
Danielle's. Back by 9, okay?

Rudy, come back here.

Dinner is here. Set
the table, please.

But Danielle's expecting me!

You didn't ask
me if you could go.

Mom, I need to
be with my friends.

Besides, dinner here is boring.

All you ever talk about
is mortgages and Russia.

All right, sweetheart.

Tonight we'll change
the conversation for you.

We'll talk about traffic
and the recession.

Please set the table for five.

Here we go again.

"Set the table, clear
the table, set the table."



Do you have something to say?

Oh, no. No. No.

Cliff, they're here. Ah.

What... What's happening?
What happened here?

Am I supposed to
leave? Who's here?

The moody-Rudy blues.

Do they itch?

Ah, to be 13 and
afflicted with parents. Yes.

[doorbell rings, dongs]

I'm getting close. Did
you hear it almost?

All I need to do is tighten
that one little screw again.

Almost, dear.

Well! Hey.

Prisoners escaping
from their own homes.

Hi, Cousin. You're not
moving in here, are you?

Oh, yes. That's right. You
guys are on your way down

to look at, ahem,
Hillman College.

Oh, that's right, Dr. Huxtable.

I wanna see if Hillman is worthy

of the high standards
I set for myself.

Oh, Lance!

Charmaine, I knew that you had
received a letter of acceptance.

Lance, you got one, too?
Oh, yeah. I got a letter.

Something about a wait list.

But we'll take care of
that when I get down there.

For the bon voyage
dinner, what do you think?

This one? Or this one?

I think there's more than
one decision to be made.

Excuse me. Fashion alert.

[Cliff] Yeah.

I'm gonna get back to my
dinner. Have a nice trip, Lance.

Oh, thank you. Lance,
have a sit-down there.

So, you're on
the wait list, huh?

[clearing throat]

[deep voice] Yes,
that's right, sir.

You know me, sir.

I have a history
of verbal dexterity.

According to my transcript,

my physics and chemistry grades

are a tad south of
the low side of life.

[imitating Lance's deep
voice] Would you say that, um...

it's, um, rather
on the chilly side?

[speaking normally] Yes, sir.

But I plan to warm 'em up.
I'm gonna go to summer school.

Yeah, well, it would be wise

to let the admissions
board know that.

Well, Dr. Huxtable,

do you think you can write
me a letter of recommendation?

Well, in order for me to...

To send, uh, an
effective letter,

um, there's one thing I
would... I would have to know.

Anything. Anything, sir.

What is your last name?

You know what to
do with the salad.

Chopped out the
carrot... [phone rings]

[Clair laughing] Ha ha ha!

Beat you to it! How do you do?

Please, Dad. No, no, no.

Hello, Danielle, ma belle!

How's every little thing?

Daddy. Just well?

That's swell! Do tell.

Oh, you want Rudy?
Well, I don't know.

She looks a little tired to me. Dad,
come on. Give me the phone. Please?

[mimicking, muttering]
"Dad, come on. Please?"

Please, can I have the
phone? Just one second.

I think Lazarus just
came back again.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey,
Danielle, what's up?

No.

It was whack!

Hey, I was cold busted.

No, my mom.

No reason. She just dissed me.

All right. I'll talk
to you tomorrow.

All right. Peace out. Bye.

"Peace out"?

I thought peace was in.

I don't know.

Bing-a-bing whack-a-doom boom.

Well, Doctor, your
dinner's ready.

Oh, good. I'm ready.

Sondra and Elvin are late.

They had an appointment
with their attorney.

Uh-oh.

Now, I resent that.
No, no, no. Uh-oh.

No. What is that
"Uh-oh"? [stammering]

Every time somebody
sees a lawyer, see,

that is not
necessarily bad news.

Sondra and Elvin are
coming from the lawyer

after having a meeting,

and they say they're
bringing good news?

Uh-oh.

So peace out.

Sondra, how is your bar exam
preparatory course coming?

Oh, two more weeks,
and I am home free.

Oh. But you know,

the thing that
still perplexes me

is that product
liability precedent.

Waverley vs. Mulhearn?

Oh, yes. Well, the
key to that precedent

was Brockman vs. Marshall.

You see, there's obvious
contributory negligence

with forethought on
the part of the plaintiff.

Oh, contributory negligence.

Well, Elvin. Mmm.

The shinbone connects to the...

Connects to the thighbone.

Can I go now?

Okay, honey. Go ahead.

Thank you. We're
sorry we bored you.

Well, Mom and Dad,
actually, now that Rudy's gone,

that gives us an opportunity
to tell you our great news.

Rudy? Rudy? [chuckling] Go on.

Go on. Go on.

Well, we've got our
life all squared away.

That's right, Mom and Dad.
Today we went to see our lawyer,

and we drew up our will.

Do I get my car back?

No, but you may get
something much more precious.

And what's that?

In the event of our untimely
passing from this earthly world,

we our considering
bestowing upon you

the honor of
acting as guardians.

Of what?

Of Winnie and Nelson.

You want us to be
guardians to your children?

I know it sounds exciting,

but actually, don't jump the gun

because at this point,
you guys are only finalists.

Well, what... what's next?

The swimsuit competition?

Look, Mom and Dad, I
know that this is awkward,

but why don't you let
us explain our process

of selection to you, and
then you'll understand it?

They're going to explain
their process of selection,

and then we'll understand it.

I can hear.

Okay, it's a three-step process.

First, we look at
emotional stability.

Financial stability.
And the combinations.

Okay, now, we started
with Martin and Denise.

Yes. Martin is
stable, but Denise...

Besides, they only have Olivia,

and they've already
dumped her off on you, so...

Which means if we
gave the twins to them,

they'd end up here anyway.

Right. So we just cut
out the middleman.

Do you understand that, dear?

Direct from the factory to us.

And then we thought
about Vanessa and Dabnis.

But they're history.

What about your family? Don't...

You still have some
parents, don't you?

Yeah, well, you
know, they're retired.

They like to travel. We
didn't wanna burden them.

Yeah, yeah. I can
understand that.

'Cause I hate to travel, and
Mrs. Huxtable hates to travel.

We just hate to travel.
We don't ever wanna travel.

As a matter of fact,
we just stay home,

and we watch the Travel Channel.

And then, of course,
we thought of our friends.

Yeah, but you know
how that can be.

You know, you like him,
but you don't trust her.

You trust her, but
you don't like him.

Yeah, I certainly
understand that part.

So then, we sat down
and we thought about it.

[Cliff] Uh-huh. And
it dawned on us.

Who are really our best friends?

I have no idea.

Mom, you know.

You all don't get
out much, do you?

You know, I've done
some estate work,

and always I would
counsel my clients

to choose a guardian
closer to their own age.

Well, frankly, Mom and Dad,

your age did work against you.

Good.

Uh, but if we should
perish, let's say, tomorrow,

uh, the kids only need a
guardian for another 14 years,

so you'll be done
before you're 70.

Be done before we're
70. Hot-diggity-dog.

So, now, listen, uh,

just out of the
sake of curiosity,

who is the competition?

Hey, everybody! Sorry
I'm late. Hey, how ya doin'?

No, you're not late.
Nobody invited you.

Well, uh, Dad, actually,
we invited Theo.

Meet your competition.

Uh, Elvin, this is
not a competition.

What's not a
competition? Well, Theo,

Elvin and I are in the process

of choosing a
guardian for the twins,

and we just thought
that we would have

an open family
discussion about it.

Theo, you are
one of the finalists.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't we go
into the living room

for a little
childrearing Q. and A.?

How about it? Mom, Dad, huh?

We'll be right
there. Okay, great.

Uh-oh. Hey, cool!

"A little childrearing
Q. and A."?

Oh, he's lucky I don't Q his A.

That's a tricky question, Elvin.

But for the record,

a parent should not
abuse their authority.

However, children should know
who's in charge of the home.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Um, yeah.

Sondra and Elvin,

your mother and I
would like to talk to you.

Oh, sure, Dad. Good.

We just want you to think.

We just want to take
time out for a minute

and think and consider
life as a 12-hour day.

You're born at sunrise,
and you are just alert.

I mean, your body is
fit. You are cooking.

And you get to noon,
and you have peaked.

You are all the way up
there. Nothing against you.

You just fight all...
You're full of it.

And your mother
and I are, in life,

somewhere around 4:15.

Excuse... See...
No, dear. I'm at 3:30.

Well, it doesn't
make any difference.

Whatever it is,
it's getting dark.

Sondra and Elvin, put
those pads down, please.

Now, look,

your father and I
have raised Theo

to the best of our abilities,

and we are confident
that he will make

an excellent guardian
for your children.

Well, Uncle Theo,
congratulations.

Yeah. Thanks. Hey. Yeah.

Wow. I don't know
what to say. This is great.

You guys entrusting
Winnie and Nelson to me.

Yeah.

Well, um, Theo,
Sondra and I feel

that you have the
values and the moral fiber

to carry on the Tibideaux
torch. [polite chuckle]

Of course, there
are some formalities.

Uh, we'll have to disclose
all of our assets to you.

Checking, savings,
safety deposit, investments.

Of course, you'll
be the beneficiary.

Oh, good! I mean, well,

bad that you're gonna be dead,

but good I'll have money
to help raise the kids.

So, in terms of assets,
how much we talkin'?

Well, if it's too personal,
hey, I understand.

No, no. No, it's
not too personal.

[sighs] Assets.

Ahem. We have the house.

Well, technically, the
bank owns the house.

Other assets. We have two cars.

One's Mom's and Dad's, isn't it?

We have a car,
and we paid for it.

No, honey. Actually,
we're still paying on the car.

So you have half a car.

Approximately, yes.

Okay.

W-We can still work this out.

Um, you said something about
savings and investments, right?

Yes, we did. We have the twins'
birthday bonds from Mom and Dad.

We also have the savings
account. Gotta stay liquid.

How liquid, Elvin?

Very liquid, Theo.

There's just not
a lot there to pour.

Of course, we
have life insurance.

And exactly what would
that cover if you two pass on?

The burial.

Look, Theo, once Elvin
finishes his residency

and I pass the
bar and get a job,

our financial outlook
will begin to improve.

That's right.

[laughs]

What happens if you
guys go tomorrow?

Com on, guys. I'm a
student. I'm a grad student.

I can't raise two kids
on birthday bonds.

Look, Elvin, Theo's right.
We can't give the twins to him.

He has nothing. He lives
in that crummy apartment.

He doesn't even have a job.

Hey, wait a minute.
What happened

to "carrying the torch"
and "moral fiber"?

Grow up, Theo.

There's no cash!

Kids can't eat moral fiber.

We can't die. We are
too far in debt to die.

As long as one of us survives,

then the kids'll
be taken care of.

It's simple. We just have to
avoid dying at the same time.

Yeah. We just can't
be anywhere together.

We'll take separate airplanes.

Separate cars.
Separate vacations.

Separate rooms.

No. No, no.

Not separate rooms.

Some things are worth dying for.

Oh, okay. Guys,
guys, guys, excuse me.

Sorry.

So this means you
don't need me, right?

No, no, no! Just the opposite.

Theo, you're our will to live.

No. We're gonna be our guardian.

Hey, we know that you're a
student, you don't have much money,

so if something does happen
to us, and you run out of money,

who are you gonna call?

[knock on door]

Who is it?

Uh, Dad.

Oh, hi. Hey, how ya doin'?

Fine. Okay. Well,

been a long time
since... Up here.

I did a little redecorating.

Yeah. Yeah.

And, uh... Dad? Mm-hmm?

Is there something you wanted?

Uh, yeah.

I just wanted to, uh... To
just talk to you, I guess.

You know, I just
came up to your room,

you know, homegirl.

Have a little... Little
chitchat with you.

Whoa! It's kind of... [mutters]

This is an
anti-old-people bed, huh?

Anyway, I just
wanted to talk to you.

You know, just say...
Say a few things.

I was just wondering,
is there a point in a...

In a young person's
life of, let's say, age 13,

where the mother and the father

are-are just always... wrong?

Dad.

No, no. I mean, help me. This is
what I want you to... to help me with.

Dad, it's just...
Come on. Say it.

You and Mom...

Yeah, right. That's who we are.

You and Mom. Come on.

Use some verbs and some
nouns to it, and it'll come out.

Come on.

It's everything. It's
the whole world.

Wo... The whole
world. The whole world.

Whole world.
Everything's the same.

Everything's the
same. I wanna change.

You wanna change. I wanna do
things the way I wanna do them.

Oh. Well, uh, that's
what I want to do, too.

And you don't have to
eat dinner here, either.

Are you talking about
somebody's cooking?

I know what happened
with the thing with Danielle.

You didn't ask Mom way in
advance if you could go over.

It was the spur of the moment.
Mom had dinner planned for you.

But, Dad, I don't understand.

Why should I have
to be here for dinner

and all the conversation at
dinner is law talk or doctor talk

or any other kind
of thing like that

and I don't understand it.

Why can't I be with my friends

when we can talk about
what we wanna talk about?

Because your friends
have not chipped in

and purchased a house.

In the past four years,

had you saved a quarter a day,

five days a week,
from your lunch money,

eight of you could be
living next door to us

with the house paid for.

But no, you chose to live here.

That's my point.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

No, you don't,

because I have no
idea what I'm saying.

Now, come over here.

'Cause this is getting silly.

It's getting silly.

Now, put your arm around me.

Now, do... do you
know the word love?

Yeah. Okay.

You know what love means
if somebody says I love you.

Yes? Yes.

Okay. Do you love me?

Yeah.

You're having a
problem saying this?

No.

Okay. If you love me,
then kiss me on my cheek...

with love.

Pitiful.

On a scale of 1
to 10, that was a 2.

I love you!

You see? Mm-hmm.

Huh? Do you love me?

Mm-hmm.

[blowing raspberry]

That's a 10.

♪♪ [theme]

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