The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 8, Episode 15 - Bring Me the Lip Gloss of Deirdre Arpelle - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[whistling]

I'm not late, I'm not late!

Oh. I'm late. [laughs]

First day, too.
But, fortunately,

Pam Tucker, Saturday
office assistant,

prepares in advance.

Last night, I went over
the office procedures

and phone system
with Mrs. McKechnie.

Oh, here are your
morning charts.

And I typed up your
schedule, Dr. Huxtable.



Well, Miss Tardy, I'm impressed.

[laughs] Thank you.

9:00, you have Mrs.
Friedman. Uh-huh. Yeah.

And then, uh, Mrs. Hodge. Right.

And then Mrs. Cortina. Aha.

And then your last
patient is Mrs. Minifield.

Mrs. Minifield.

What's wrong with her?

Well, Mrs. Minifield
is... different.

When you see her, you'll know

that that's Mrs. Minifield.

And the good news
is, any day now,

she's going to deliver.

Yoo-hoo! Hello?



What... What time is Mrs.
Minifield's appointment?

11:00.

It's... 8:30.

You're right on time.

Uh, we're not open yet.

I know. Yeah.

I had my husband drop me off.

Why would he do that?

Because I'm nine
months' pregnant.

I didn't wanna walk.

Why couldn't he just
drop you off at 10:45?

Because I'm already here.

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Well, Miss Tucker,
why don't you take

Mrs. Minifield out
to the waiting room?

Yes, sir, Dr. Huxtable.

And, uh, Mrs. Minifield,
please don't give

any medical tips to
any of my patients.

Okay, I promise.

Good, good.

[door closes]

Rudy, we have to get
moving on this piñata.

The starch is
starting to dry out.

Stanley, this is a group
social studies project,

and our group
isn't all here yet.

Well, everybody
that matters is here.

Oh, I forgot. The third wheel.

Stanley, I really hate

when you call Kenny
a wheel. He's my friend.

And he's jealous of us,
and he's a troublemaker.

Why'd you have to pick
him to be in our group?

Because he's my friend. Stanley,

as a favor to me,
be patient with him.

You know he's had a hard
time dealing with our relationship.

[knock on door]

Well, hello, hello, hello!

[door closes]

Oh, sorry about the delay.

I was just waiting
for Deirdre. Hello.

Hello. Hi.

Oh, can I take
your coat, Deirdre?

Allow me, Deedee.

Thanks, Kenny.
What a nice kitchen.

Thank you.

Nice going, Kenny. You
finally made it to the big leagues.

Well, Stan, I was always there.

There was just no need to
broadcast my personal life.

Well, shall we get started?

Well, I guess so.

Did you bring the balloons
for the piñata, Kenny?

Got them right here.

I'll help you blow
them up if you want.

Yeah. Deedee has good
lungs. She plays the saxophone.

Well, I'm not that good.

Well, she's a whiz at
crafts. She went to art camp.

Well, in that case,
you can stir the starch.

Okay, now, uh, have we
answered all of the questions?

Yes. And everything
seems to be just fine.

Mrs... Uh, Mrs. Minifield,

are... are you adhering

to the diet that I-I gave you?

Except for the calcium, yes.

What do you mean,
except for the calcium?

I'm eating lots of calcium.

My husband doesn't
have strong bones,

so I'm tripling up on
my calcium intake.

You've seen him.
Wouldn't you agree?

Well, he... he doesn't
have a strong handshake.

Uh... There. You see?

Yeah, I see, but what
does that have to do

with your calcium intake?

Our baby has half
my husband's genes,

and I'm making up for what he
lacks by eating lots of calcium.

Cheese, milk.

It's called genetic
compensation.

Did you read this in a book?

Nope. I made it up.

Miss Tucker?

Yes, Dr. Huxtable?

Would you please
confirm the reservation

for Mrs. Minifield at
the Brookridge Hospital?

Right away, Dr. Huxtable.

Now, we've gone over this
procedure before, haven't we?

Yes. Now, when the contractions

reach eight minutes apart,
that's when you call me.

Now, what did I just say?

Call you every eight minutes.

No. That isn't...
That isn't what I say.

I want you to call me
when the contractions

are consistently
eight minutes apart.

I understand completely.

I don't want you
to call me at 8:00,

and I don't want you to
call me eight times a day.

Eight minutes apart.

You call me anytime if
you have any questions.

Pregnancy questions.

[intercom buzzes]

Dr. Huxtable, your
lab reports are waiting.

Okay. Thank you.

Well, I guess I'm off.

Yes. In more ways than one.

Bye-bye.

[door closes]

[intercom buzzes]

Dr. Huxtable, according
to Mrs. McKechnie,

after Mrs. Minifield leaves,

you always put your head
on the desk for 10 minutes

and contemplate why
you went to med school.

Is that correct, Dr. Huxtable?

Yes.

Okay, the first leg's ready
to be attached to the spider.

Oh, Deedee, that's
coming along beautifully.

It's only starch, Kenny.

It's not the starch.

It's who's on the
other end of the spoon.

[scoffs]

I don't get it.

Aren't piñatas usually shaped
like donkeys or something?

Well, that's not very creative.

We shouldn't be doing something
that everybody else does.

As somebody who
went to art camp,

you should know that, Deirdre.

Yeah, you're right, Rudy.

Why should it be a donkey
when it could be an araña?

An araña?

An araña means
spider in Spanish.

Ooh!

We can use that in
our report on Mexico.

What other languages
can you speak, Deedee?

Besides English? That's two.

Well, you two are
perfect together.

Deedee knows
Spanish, and you know...

Well, let's just say
you look good together.

Thank you, Stan.

Or should I say,
"Gracias, mi hombre"?

So, Deirdre, how long have
you two been seeing each other?

I can answer that.

Officially since Wednesday.

Wednesday? You mean,
like, three days ago?

Yeah. In four days, we'll
have our first week anniversary.

Well, congratulations.

Here's to a
long-lasting relationship.

Yeah, congratulations.

I didn't even know you
guys knew each other.

Well, actually, we didn't.

Until that magic moment when
Kenny came up to me at my locker.

Right after fourth
period. That's right.

It was like out of one of
those old 1970s movies.

I was... I was just
standing there,

and from across
the crowded hall,

I heard a voice say,

"Hello, over there
by the locker.

Would you like to go with me?"

I turned around,
and there he was.

I looked in his eyes,
and I heard bells.

Deirdre, the classes
were changing.

Well, they were
ringing in my heart.

The truth is, I've liked Kenny
since the beginning of the year.

You have? Yeah.

That's why I was so excited
when he gave me your address

and told me to
meet him here today.

Then he asked me to
write down my hobbies,

special interests
and favorite colors.

You made the
girlfriend fill out a profile?

That's right. And I
keep it next to my heart.

So let me get this
straight, Kenny.

You met Deirdre after
fourth period on Wednesday.

Yeah.

Right after social
studies class,

when I picked you to
be the third... Wheel.

Member in our group.

Merely coincidence.

Kenny, can I see you in
the living room, please?

Sure.

I won't be long, Deedee.

All right, Kenny.

Why are you doing this?

Doing what? Don't
make me say this.

Say what? You're just
pretending to like Deirdre.

Rudy, could that be
jealousy I hear in your voice?

How could I be jealous
if I'm with Stanley?

You must ask
yourself that, Rudy.

Well, I'm not jealous.

Well, then, you
would have no problem

with our relationship,
deep as it is.

I mean, Deedee and I may have
only known each other for three days,

but our souls have known
each other for eternity.

I mean, there's not
one minute that goes by

that I don't think of
the touch of her hand,

the lilt of her laugh,

the moment her
lips touched mine.

You kissed her?

Oh, well, that's not uncommon

in a relationship
as strong as ours.

So you could go in there
right now and kiss her?

W-Well, I... Oh, well,
you don't have to.

I already have my answer.

You know, you shouldn't
be making up stories like that.

What stories? I've kissed her.

Sure, I have. And
I'll prove it to you.

You will?

Yeah. Yeah.

You just tell Deirdre
to come in here.

Okay.

Oh, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny!

[sighs]

Kenny?

Oh, no. This is 10
Stigwood Avenue.

14 is two doors down.

Don't worry. It
happens all the time.

Is everything okay, Kenny?

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you sit down? Okay.

[sighs] You see, Deedee,

I have something very
personal to ask you.

Yes?

Can I borrow your lip gloss?

What?

It's winter. Chapped lips.

All right, Kenny. I
have had enough.

First you say you
wanna go with me,

then you make me
fill out a questionnaire.

For three days I
don't hear from you,

and then I meet you here, and
you start bragging about me.

And now you wanna
borrow my makeup?

If the three of you
think this is funny,

then you're just really mean.

Wait. It's not them. It's me.

And I didn't mean to hurt you.
I guess I was just using you.

Oh, I feel much better now.

I wouldn't have done it
if I'd known you liked me,

'cause then I could've
liked you back,

and I wouldn't
have had to pretend.

Did you mean it in there
when you said you liked me?

Yes.

All right!

But I don't anymore.

But I'm the same guy.

You're not the same
guy I saw in the hallway.

The sad thing is, I liked you

despite what everybody
says about you.

What does everybody say?

They say you're an odd duck.

You march to the beat
of your own drummer.

Well, that's not so bad.

Couldn't you like
someone who does that?

I did. Until today.

Well, that's good news.

'Cause the way I was
acting today, that's not me.

I was acting that
way... 'cause of Rudy.

Why? What did she do to you?

She started seeing Stanley.
And then everything changed.

We used to go to the movies,
the mall, and to get pizza together.

And now you don't go to
those places with her anymore.

No, I go. [chuckles]

It's just that he's
always there.

Oh, how sad. I've gotta go.

Wait. Can I walk you home?

You didn't walk me here.

That's because I was an idiot.

Now I worry about you.
Look, you don't have to like me.

All I wanna do is walk you home.

Okay.

Hello. Excuse us.
Nice seeing you.

Can I get the door for you,
Deedee? My name is Deirdre.

Got it. [chuckles]

I'll be walking Deirdre home.

[door closes]

Stop staring and stir
the starch, Stanley.

Hoo-wee.

[sighing]

End of Pam Tucker's
first day on the job.

How'd I do?

I didn't even know
I had a substitute.

Mm! Sounds like a
salary bump to me.

If there's any salary at all.

Come on, Cousin
Cliff. Cough it up.

All of a sudden,
it's Cousin Cliff.

I'm off the clock.
You're off the clock.

[ringing]

Almost.

Dr. Huxtable's office. Go ahead.

Yes, one moment,
please. It's Mrs. Minifield.

Hi, Mrs. Minifield.

Dr. Huxtable? Yes.

How far apart are the
contractions supposed to be

when I call you?

Eight minutes apart.

Oh, dear.

"Oh, dear... Oh, dear," what?

Mrs... Mrs. Minifield, how
far apart are they, "oh, dear"?

Y-You'll get mad at me.

N-No, no, I'm
not going to get...

I'm... I'm not going to get
mad at you, Mrs. Minifield.

How far apart are they?
You're yelling at me!

Mrs. Minifield, I... I... I'm not
yelling at you, Mrs. Minifield.

How far apart are they?

F... F... F-Fu... Five?

Four. Four?

Mrs. Minifield, I
told you to call me

when the contractions
are eight minutes apart!

I know, but they
jumped from 10 to four.

They jumped?

Last time I checked,
they were 10 minutes.

Now they're coming
every four minutes.

Good. Now, Mrs. Minifield,
listen to me carefully.

You are not in any danger,

but I want you to
get to the hospital.

You need to get to the hospital

as soon as possible.

Now, is... is your
husband there?

He's running errands,
but I can leave him a note.

N-No, no. Mrs. Minifield...

Mrs. Minifield,
don't leave a note.

Um, y-you've gotta
get to the hospital.

Now, is... is there someone
who can put you in a cab?

I think so. Ahh! Okay.

Now, Mrs. Minifield,
here's what I want you to do.

I want you to call the cab,

and I want you to get
your overnight bag.

Y-Y-Y-You have
that, don't you? Yes.

All right. Now, you
and the overnight bag,

you... you both
get into the cab.

Y-You understand
what I'm saying?

Okay. Get into the cab,
you head for the hospital.

Take you about 15
minutes, I guess. All right?

Maybe my husband can pick you up

on the way back
from the dry cleaners.

Huh?

I will meet you there,

and... and we
will go in together.

All... All right?

All right. Bye-bye.

This is so exciting.
A baby my first day.

Do you want me to do anything?
Should I boil some water?

Yes, you can boil some water.

And put a tea bag in it.

Oh. Okay. Okay.

One cup of tea to
go, Dr. Huxtable.

Yes.

[door closes]

Brookridge Hospital,
Dr. Huxtable.

Coming in with a Mrs. Minifield.

Uh, be ready for anything.

Here's your tea, Dr. Huxtable!

I put it into one
of the twins' cups

so it wouldn't spill in the car!

All right. Thank you very much!

And don't forget to tell
Mrs. Huxtable where I am!

You're covered!

[tires screeching, crash]

Tell me that's not
Dr. Huxtable's car.

Mm! Can't do that.

Dr. Huxtable,
somebody hit your car!

What?

What? Somebody hit your car.

You're kidding me.

Hey! You think because
you got doctor's license plates,

you can park that thing
in the middle of the street?

I wasn't parked in the
middle... [stammering]

Look, I don't have time for
this. I've got an emergency.

I have a lady in my cab, and
she's about to have a baby!

How far apart are
the contractions?

She told me not to tell you.

Mrs. Minifield, I told
you to go to the hospital!

[Mrs. Minifield] But
you were on the way!

Ow!

See? There's another one.

According to my meter,

she's having one
about every three blocks.

Whoa!

Dad, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

Your father wrecked my cab,

and that lady's
having a baby in it!

[Rudy] Wow!

[Cliff] Pam, go
tell Nurse Travis

to bring my cord set.

I need some sterile
towels and gloves.

I'm on it. This is unbelievable!

[Rudy] Dad, do you want
me to call the ambulance?

Number's on the phone.
You know what to do. All right.

She told me

that she was an airport
fare with one stop on the way.

Gloves and towels! Towels
and gloves! Move aside!

Otherwise, I wouldn't have
picked her up in the first place.

[horns honking] [Pam]
Move aside! Move aside!

Can't you see we're
delivering a baby here?

[Cliff] All right. Push,
Mrs. Minifield, push!

[Mrs. Minifield] I am pushing!

I don't mean with your
foot on my forehead.

Push!

[Pam] Hey, the
meter's still running.

Don't you know it! And
as soon as she sits up,

we're going to the airport!

[knocking]

Oh, hi, Kenny. Hey, Rudy.

Sorry I acted like a jerk today.

That's okay. I
acted like one, too.

So what happened to Deirdre?

I walked her home. Said she'd go
out with me tomorrow if I call her.

Are you gonna
call her? Ooh, yeah.

I guess you were gonna have
to call somebody sometime.

Yeah. Now you and I have
something in common again.

Well, I'm happy for you.

I'm happy for me, too.
And I'm happy for you.

So does this mean you won't be tagging
along with me and Stanley anymore?

Oh, I'll be tagging.

I'll just have Deirdre with me.

We'll double.

Are you coming over to
paint the spider tomorrow?

Wouldn't miss it.

You know, Deirdre's a
very complicated woman.

I may need your advice
on how women think.

Why don't you ask your brother?

I would, but he hasn't
been too accurate lately.

Kenny, your brother
was never accurate.

Yeah, but he is like family.

So are you.

Thanks. [chuckles]

I'll see you tomorrow, Rudy.

All right.

Bye... bud.

♪♪ [theme]

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