The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Infantry Has Landed - full transcript

♪♪

Yo, people.

Yo, person.

What's up?

Me. Today in my Theories
of Personality class,

we took a self-awareness test.

You know, from a
few simple responses,

you can tell a
lot about yourself.

Oh, Theo, I love psychology.

Ask me some questions.

Okay, Vanessa.



What animal do you
most identify with?

Oh, well, I've always
seen myself as a dolphin.

A dolphin? You?

Yes.

Dolphins are very intelligent,

and they have a cute smile.

Yes. They also
live in the ocean,

and you hate what
saltwater does to your hair.

Well, we dolphins adapt.

I'll get a perm.

Ah, now, this is
the man to analyze,

How you doing,
Dad? Analyze what?

This is a test we took

in our Theories of
Personality class.



Uh-huh. Psychology.

Yeah, yeah. I wanna
ask you a question.

I'm not crazy.

No, no.

What animal do you
most identify with?

Camel.

Because he prepares
for the long haul.

All right, that's interesting.

Camel. I like that. Camel.

And a rhino. And a rhino because

he has a tough outer surface.

No, Dad, just one animal. Sorry.

No, no, no. When
you get to be my age

and you're a parent, you
need a whole lot of things

to identify with.

Next thing, I would be a salmon

because, my children,
I had to swim upstream.

And then, I'm part hawk

because I have Dad, I
can't... I can't use that.

Sharp vision.

Come on upstairs.

I'll give you that jacket
you've been wanting to steal

for some time.

Well, I'm gonna keep following
you until you give me an answer

because, you may not know,

but I identify with
a homing pigeon.

Well, come on upstairs.
I'll give you some peanuts.

Oh, Mom, great. Are you
ready to go to the mall now?

Sweetheart, I'm very sorry,

I have to stay
here. We can't go.

Rudy's on her way
home from school.

She got her period today.

Our sister's joined the
ranks of womanhood?

Mom, I know the coat I want.

I know exactly where it is.

It would only take
a half an hour.

Vanessa! I'm gonna talk to Rudy.

You remember... Woman's Day.

Gotta make sure
Rudy's well informed

so she knows what's happening,

so she doesn't have
the wrong ideas,

like Mom and her girlfriends.

That's right, 'cause
we didn't have a clue.

And I will not have my
children running around

thinking they can
not go to the beach

because they
will attract sharks.

Who will follow
them up on the sand.

You actually believed that?

Yes, I believed it.

When you girls were born, I
decided to have these talks.

Thus, Woman's Day was born.

You know, Mom, I
adored my Woman's Day.

She took me to the
Plaza Hotel for brunch

and a carriage ride
through the park.

I do rise to the
occasion, don't I?

Rudy.

Hi, Mom.

The school nurse called.

Oh, yeah, I got my period.

Sweetheart, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, fantastic.

How 'bout this weather, huh?

You want me to
come upstairs, too?

Um, no. I'll be down in a few.

All right.

Who is it? It's us.

Come in.

We got here as fast as we could.

Does everyone know?

No. When you ran out of class,

we said you had an emergency.

Yeah, we said your
house was on fire.

What?

Then later, we told
them it was a false alarm.

So. What's it like?

Well, it's kind of like
getting a stomachache,

but without eating candy.

Just think, Rudy.

You're the first one
in our group to get it.

You even look a
little more mature.

Well, I did feel a little older

walking home from school today.

Rudy, I see hips!

Don't worry.

You'll get yours.

Soon.

You have to be careful, though.

My sister's friend
knew somebody,

and when she got her
period, she was so weak,

she had to be carried around
on a stretcher for three months.

Susan, that is not true.

My dad gave me a book to read
last year about the whole thing.

And that can't happen.

Maybe not, but I
heard about this girl

who went to the
circus when she got it,

and when she sat down,

all the animals
stopped performing.

The announcer came out and said,

"Will the girl in seat
12-A please leave?

You're upsetting the animals."

It was so embarrassing for her.

Danielle, that is ridiculous.

I definitely know that you
can't swim in the ocean

or you'll attract sharks.

That is ridiculous, too.

You can swim
anytime, go anywhere,

and do anything
you normally would.

But I know this...
if you get too weak,

you may need a transfusion.

Transfusion.

Everyone knows that you
don't need a transfusion.

As long as you
eat five beets a day.

Five beets a day?

Five beets a day,
and you'll be fine.

Those girls have been
up there for 45 minutes.

And I know that they
are filling Rudy's head

with all kinds of nonsense.

I'm gonna have to go up
there and deprogram the child.

Well, now, dear, suppose
they're up there doing homework?

Cliff, please.

Things haven't
changed that much.

I remember when I got my period

and my girlfriends
came to see me.

One of 'em told me I could
stop it anytime I wanted to

just by crossing my eyes.

You didn't believe
that, did you?

Let's just say I nearly ended up

with a very serious
vision problem.

Why don't you cross your eyes

while I reach one of
these cookies here.

You leave those cookies
alone. Those are for Rudy.

Well, what if I told you

that at this time of the
month, I'm very sad?

No, I would give you
more than a cookie.

What time?

Oh. Well, ladies, did
you enjoy your visit?

Mmm-hmm.

You can go on up, Mrs. Huxtable.

Well, we'll leave you
alone with Rudy now.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye, girls.

Good-bye, ladies.

Oh, good evening, Dr. Huxtable.

Rudy?

It's Woman's Day.

I know. Um...

Have you seen my purple shirt?

It's downstairs in the dryer.

I'm gonna go get it.

Wait a minute,
Rudy, wait a minute.

Honey, it's Woman's Day.

Well, don't you
want to talk about it?

No.

Do you need
anything? Any supplies?

Mom, with all the women
in this house, I'm set for life.

Well, what about Woman's Day?

What would you like to do?

The city is yours.
Whatever you'd like.

Well, we can't do
it this weekend.

See, I already promised
Danielle and Susan

that we could go to
the mall tomorrow.

And then on Sunday,
I promised Kenny

we could go play video games.

Well, maybe we could
do this, um, next month,

or whenever this...
thing comes back.

Okay, Rudy, whatever you say.

Well, I'm gonna get my shirt.

Hey, Dad.

Listen, I'm almost
done with this

psychological profile on you.

Yeah?

Still trying to analyze me, huh?

If you were a body of
water, what would you be?

Wet.

Okay, you're not
gonna cooperate, huh?

No, no. No, no.

You're not gonna use
me as a guinea pig.

You have to pay me.

A guinea pig is not one of
the animals that I would be.

Hey, what's up? How you doing?

All right. Here's the
psych book you asked for.

Oh, thanks a lot.

You're kind of
early, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I'm supposed to
be at my girlfriend's for dinner.

That fell through, if
you know what I mean.

No. What do you mean?

Well, you know women.

Look, I was an
hour late for dinner.

She gets all bent out of shape.

But I had a good
reason. What was that?

I'm always late.

She'll get over
it in a few days,

if you know what I mean.

No. What do you mean?

Women, man. You know
how they are during that

time of the month.

No, Danny. How are they?

Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.

Uh, listen, Mom...
Thanks, Danny.

He just came to give me a book.

I'll see you at
the crib, all right?

Theo, I really would be
very interested in hearing

what Danny has to say.

Can I be frank?

By all means.

No offense, Mrs. Huxtable.

But you know how women
get. They get a little grumpy.

They do that crying thing.

Danny, let it go.

Danny, why do you assume
that if your girlfriend is upset,

that it has to be that
time of the month?

What else could it be?

I mean, I got nothing
against a woman's monthly,

I'm a sensitive guy.

Yes, I can see that.

But some people say that
between premenstrual syndrome,

postmenstrual syndrome,

and their visit from Aunt Flo...

Excuse me?

No, that's their
expression, not mine.

That women have got
the calendar covered.

And what else do
these people say?

We men should have
our own calendar.

And our own syndrome.

They even said

that we should have
our own mood swings

and they should coincide
with Monday Night Football.

Well, Danny, since you
talk to these people so much,

maybe you could deliver
a message for me?

Okay.

Well, you tell them
that a woman is entitled

to have a mood... any mood...

A happy mood, a sad
mood, an angry mood...

And she can have this
mood whenever she likes.

And it has absolutely nothing

to do with whether or
not Aunt Flo is visiting.

But, Mrs. Huxtable, I think
what they meant was...

No, you see, I heard
what they meant.

And one more thing.

These people
should be very happy

that women get
visits from their aunts

because if they didn't,

there would be no uncles.

It's been very nice
seeing you again, Danny.

Theo, I'll be leaving now.

In case she comes back.

Yeah, well...

Olivia, I said
it's time for bed.

Okay. I just wanna say
goodnight to Dr. Huxtable.

All right, then straight to bed.

All right. Good night, honey.

Wait. I have
something to tell you.

Okay, what is it?

I like what you
did to this room.

Yeah. Thank you. Good night.

Wait a minute. I have something
else to tell you. What is it, dear?

A bedtime story.

All right, what is
it, Sister Grimm?

Once upon a time, there was
a king named Dr. Buxtable.

Dr. Buxtable.

He was very handsome.

I love this story.

And there was also a
princess named... Bolivia.

Bolivia. All right.

She was very sweet. Yeah.

And they loved
each other very much,

and they said "Good
night" and went to sleep.

Can I have a cup
of water, please?

Okay, I'm gonna give
you a little bit of water.

You drink the water right down,

and then you go up
to bed and go to sleep.

Go ahead, tell me some
more of the story. Okay.

One day, King Dr. Buxtable

and Princess Bolivia
went for a ride in a car.

She drove.

Okay, okay, okay,
let's drink the water.

And finish the story.

Ahhhh.

And it got dark,
and they fell asleep.

No. They never slept

because where they lived,
it was daytime all the time.

Well, if it was
daytime all the time,

then there would be
no stars in the sky.

Fine.

And if there was
no... no nighttime,

then you would have no
Christmas and no Santa Claus

and no presents.

Whoa.

Wait, wait! I'm not finished.

One day, night came,

And they all went to bed.

Santa Claus gave
them lots of presents.

The end. Good night.

Ah!

Oh, not you again.

Dad, you know, I've
gotta admit that you...

You kinda had me stumped

Good. with your
responses to my questions

for my psychological
profile. Mm-hmm.

But I persevered, man.

I dug deep. Really?

I continued, and I
got you figured out.

All right.

Now, because of
your vague responses,

I had no choice but to
come up with an original

psychological
classification just for you.

Okay, well, let's have it.

You have a disorder.

All right. Okay.

Yeah, it's a disorder
that I appropriately call

fugitive fantasy fear.

Fugitive fantasy fear.

It means that you are
a person who refuses

to be categorized

by deflecting direct questions,

therefore wearing down
those seeking knowledge of you

until they're
either uninterested

or they surrender
in frustration.

And... And... And
this is called what?

Fugitive fantasy fear.

And it means what?

It means... Yes?

That you refuse
to be categorized

by deflecting direct questions.

Well, I don't think that
that's true, uh, at all.

Now, what's it called again?

It's called fugitive
fantasy fear, Dad.

There you go. Okay.

Now... Now, tell me,
now, it means that I...

Dad, Dad, Dad.

What it basically means

is that you wear down those
seeking knowledge of you.

You understand that part?

I haven't... No, I haven't
deflected anything.

I've just asked you
a question now...

Which is a form of
deflecting, if you understand.

I understand. I mean...

I'm not a... a stupid person.

It's just that I want...
Now, this thing...

What's it called again?

It's called Fugitive... Dad.

Don't you see? You
wear people down.

I'm seeking knowledge of you,

and you wearing me down.

I don't think... Okay.
Okay, go ahead.

Ask me the questions again.

No, forget it, Dad.

I apologize. Thank
you, thank you.

I'm going home, my brother.

No. No, tell me again.

No, Dad. Let's try...

Don't leave me like this.

I'll tell you. You want
the last part of it?

Yes. The last part.

Check it out. I'm uninterested.

I'm surrendering
in frustration, Dad.

I'll see you later.

The fugitive strikes again.

Potato chips? Check.

Root beer float? Check.

Tissues? Check.

Then I say we
have enough to last

through Ms.
Scarlett, Rhett Butler,

Miss Millie, and that fire.

And frankly, my dear,
we are ready to go.

I'm so glad you
wanted to do this, Rudy.

I've been looking forward
to this for quite some time.

The last Huxtable woman.

Here we go again.

Well, now, what does that mean?

Nothin'.

Rudy, it must mean something.

I just mean that...

whatever I do is
important because I'm last.

I was the last one
to take my first step.

The last one to have
training wheels on my bike.

The last one to lose
all my baby teeth.

And now this.

I'm sorry, Rudy.

We probably do tend to
get sentimental with you

because you're the youngest.

Well, is that why
you didn't want to do

anything for Woman's Day?

No. I didn't wanna
do anything because...

today was the most
humiliating day of my life.

There I was, sitting in class

while the teacher was
talking about punctuation,

and I was starting my period.

Do you know how
embarrassing that was?

I think I do.

And so does every
other woman in the world.

Honey, that's why
they call it "the curse."

The curse?

Curse, dear.

Oh, it's called "the curse,"

"the visitor," "the flag is up,"

"the infantry has landed."

The infantry has landed?

And fallen off the roof.

In my day, it was
referred to as "the horror."

You see, women were expected
to be very dainty and discreet.

So what did they do?
They gave us pads

the size of mattresses.

And during that very
special time of the month,

when you wanted
to go out at night,

you couldn't carry a
little, dainty clutch bag.

Oh, no, no, no. You had
to carry an overnight bag.

Those were the bad
old days, huh, Mom?

Those were the bad old days.

But we've come a
long way since then,

and, Rudy, you know,
it's very natural, darling.

And it's been going on
since the beginning of time.

It's what makes you a woman.

But, Mom, I'm not a woman.

I'm 12 years old.

Rudy, in biological
terms, you are a woman.

And if you want to
be a mother someday,

this has to happen.

So you're saying someday
I'll be glad this happened?

There will be days you
will be glad this happened.

See, someday, you'll be able
to have children of your own.

Beautiful children.

Like I have.

Mom, thanks.

Okay, now can
we start this movie?

But wait.

I guess I should eat my
beets first, shouldn't I?

Your beets?

Yeah, you know.

Five beets a day keeps
the transfusion away.

Come in, Rudy.

Just wanted to say
good night, Mom and Dad.

Thanks for tonight, Mom.

Wanna snuggle?

Okay!

Ooh, let's get nice
and comfortable.

Sorry.

That's all right.

Nah. I think I'll sleep
in my own bed tonight.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, Dad.

What is it about after you
give the Woman's Day talk,

they can't stay in
this bed anymore?

What do you tell them?

One husband to one woman.

Hello. My God.

Now, when I asked you
about some cookies...

you made a promise to me

that I couldn't
have any cookies.

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