The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 7, Episode 5 - It's All in the Game - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[cheering]

♪ La la la la ♪

[humming]

♪♪ [off-key singing]

[giggling]

I don't want to go in yet.

I don't want to. I
can't. [laughing]

This weekend was lovely, Cliff.

Yes.

Vermont is so beautiful.



Yes, yes, yes. Mmm.

And I've never seen you

frolic in the woods that way.

Well, my lady...
'twas not the woods

that brought the
frolic out of me.

And how hath I inspired
thou thus, my liege?

Oh... Details. I want details.

Thou hast a beauty of lips,

and a body so firm

that it raises the very...

Potency of myself.

I know. Hence our five children.

You would have to bring that up.

[chuckling]



But be it for long
before we go inside.

Oh, Cliff,

would that this day
might never end.

Carry on.

Bring the leaves
of life with you.

[laughing]

Oh. Hey, Dad. Hey, Ma.

Well, hello, Theo.

Son, why are you robbing us?

No, I'm not robbing you.

I'm borrowing this
for my apartment.

You said I could.

When? Last week.

Remember? I told you the
light in my bedroom was bad,

so you told me I should
do something about it.

That didn't mean go
upstairs and steal my lamp!

I meant for you to
go get a brighter bulb.

That's all you had to do.

You people have picked
this house bone dry.

Hey, Mom. I am not picking.

I'm exchanging.

I brought the blue
light back for this one.

You brought nothing back.

Vanessa took the blue
light for her dorm room.

No. No, she didn't, dear.

Uh, she took the gooseneck lamp.

I know, because she
brought back the toaster oven

and the electric blanket.

No, honey. You see,
Sondra had the toaster oven.

Vanessa had the
blanket and the card table.

No, dear.

Sondra had the card table.

I know, because I bought
it back from her last year

when she had a garage sale.

So can I have the lamp?

Now, just how did you think

you were gonna get that
thing to your apartment?

Well, c-can I borrow
the station wagon, too?

Vanessa has the
station wagon, Theo.

She took it to the library.

Well, I'm not in a rush.

I'm gonna go in the kitchen
and make a sandwich.

Want something? No, thank you.

All right... Help yourself.

[sigh]

Hi, Mom!

Ooo! Oh, Rudy! Hello!

Hi, Dad! Mmm! How you do...

All right. Come, sit down!

Hi, Mom! Did you have fun?

Well, yeah. I did.

Come right here. Thank you.

I just need your signature

right here on this
permission slip.

It's for after-school
sports. Can I join?

What is this for?
Figure-skating.

How much is it for?

With this, you get everything.

You get your skates.

You get your lessons
two times a week,

the rental of the rink,

plus you get a very neat skirt.

For... $200.

Please, please,
just let me do this.

If you don't let me,

I'll be the only one in
my class who doesn't.

Don't you know any
free sports at that school?

Dad, I have to have
this in by tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

[laughing] I see.

Okay. So it has
to be in tomorrow

so you wouldn't give us much
time to think about it today, huh?

Well, I guess I forgot.

Well, we're not gonna
be rushed into anything

because you forgot.

That look doesn't
mean anything to me.

Thank you, Dad! [moaning]

[laughing] I wanted
to... thank you, Mommy!

[high-pitched] Claire,
can I have $5,000

so I can go
wind-surfing in Tahiti?

Please? Thank you! Thank you!

Yes! Yes! Yes! I
love you so much!

Uh...

Excuse me. [chuckles]

Didn't mean to interrupt,

but do you guys need this hose?

No, no, no. You... You
go ahead and take that.

Your mother and I
can spit on our plants.

Cool. Thanks.

[squeaking, banging]

[banging]

What is that?

Sounds like the washing machine.

That machine is brand-new.

Whoa.

Mom, all I did was put
one load of laundry in here!

What... Oh, no. My pants.

Oh, look at this.

I can't wear these anymore, Mom!

Who cares about your pants?
What about my machine?

What is this?

Broken crayon.

Oh... Olivia!

See, Mom. The problem is

you got too many
kids living in this house!

[Cliff] Who's in the basement?

I said, who's in the basement?

[deep voice] It's me.

Oh, Mr. Ghost. How are you?

What are you doing down here?

[deep voice] I've come to
eat up some little children.

You know I love to
eat up little children.

[normal voice]
Well, help yourself.

I don't think any are
down here, Mr. Ghost.

[deep voice] Yes, I saw one.

And I'm gonna eat her!

Hey!

Olivia?

My Mom told me she
found these crayons

in the washing
machine. Are they yours?

They used to be, but the
machine wrecked them.

Young lady, you know

you're not supposed
to touch any machines.

And why? Why were you
washing these crayons?

Because they were dirty,

and the lady said
they were washable.

[sigh]

Olivia, she meant that you
could wash them off walls

or tables or your clothes.

[sigh] I wish she said that.

Dad, I'm really sorry.
This won't happen again.

And don't worry about
the cost of repairs.

Martin and I will pay
for the whole thing.

And you, young lady!
You're gonna come upstairs,

and we're gonna have a
nice long talk. Come on.

You talk, I'll listen. Yes.

[door closes]

Ooo! Dee-dee-dee...

[humming]

♪♪ [scatting]

♪ Dee ba ba dee ♪

♪ Doo tee pew ♪

♪ Dee da doo ♪

What are you doing?

I'm making you
look like Vermont.

This will make you remember

our frolic in the woods... You know,
the last time you put leaves in my hair,

what happened.

Yes. I know.

Well... what you waitin' for?

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha!

Hi! Ha ha!

Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!

Hello, Vanessa. So
how was Vermont?

It was lovely. Yeah.

Had a good time?

Yes, we did. Sure
did, thank you.

How was everything
at the library?

Oh, it was great. I
finished all my studying.

Okay. Well, give me
the keys to the car.

Why?

Because it's my car!

Now, where did
you park? Out front?

Ye... yeah.

I just have to go get something

out of my glove compartment...

Oh, well, Dad, let
me do that for you.

I mean, I don't want
the neighbors to see you

looking like the forest.

[sigh] Mom!

You know, I'm so glad

you and Dad got a
chance to get away.

You should get away more
often. You look so relaxed.

Well, thank you, Vanessa.

I... I mean it, Mom!
You've earned it,

working so hard for
us all these years,

and believe me, I know
it hasn't been easy.

I just want to tell you
how much I appreciate it.

Vanessa?

What did you do?

Now what happened?

Dad, I was making a right turn.

I signaled. I had both
hands on the wheel.

So what?

So then all of a sudden,

the back of this
car just hits me!

So... the guy backed into you,

while you were making the turn.

Well... no, no.

He wasn't backing up.

Well, what was he doing?

He was getting his
prescription in a drug store.

So there was no one in the car.

No, Dad. There was
no one in the car.

But I thought it was moving!

So what happened was

you were negotiating
a right turn,

and you hit a parked car.

Isn't that what happened?

Why didn't you just
say that to me, dear?

Doesn't anyone care
if I'm all right or not?

You know what we're gonna do?

When Rudy gets
her driver's license,

you and I are gonna go
down to the salvage dump.

We're gonna pick out the worst,

bashed, smashed-looking thing

that still runs,

and we're gonna
let her drive it.

That way, if anybody hits her,

it'll be an improvement.

I know how you feel,
Dad. [Cliff laughs]

No, you don't.

Hey, I can appreciate
the pressures

both of you are under.

And if you ask me,

I think you all are
doing a bang-up job.

Theo, shut up.

Mom, you don't give us enough
credit for understanding you.

When have you understood us?

And what have you understood?

You, who are beyond
understanding yourself.

I don't understand you.

How could you
possibly understand me?

See? See what I mean?

Let me ask you a question, man.

Suppose you're a father

and your daughter runs
into the back of a car

and does not tell you.

Well, Dad, first of all,

it's not like she drove around

looking for an accident.

Now, had it been me,

I would try to be understanding

and not make a
bit deal out of it.

But she never told me!

She let me go
outside to find this.

Hoping what?

That perhaps I would go crazy

and say "Hmm, even though
I haven't been in the car,

I must have wrecked it"?

Hey, what's going on?

We're having a hypothetical

reality debate on
understanding parents.

Let me ask you a question.

Suppose your
daughter came to you

and said "I want to
take ice-skating lessons,

"please!

And maybe I can go to
the Olympics. Please?"

All right. Would you
sign the permission slip?

Yeah. I would sign it.
What's wrong with that?

Oh! Nothing wrong with it.

Except you become more
involved than the child.

You and the child and the mother

and we go out and watch
the little wobbly legs,

and she skates, and she falls,
and we go "Oh, my goodness.

I hope she makes it." And then,

as we get caught
up in the whole thing,

one day she says "I don't
want to skate anymore."

See, that's the
problem with girls.

They're so demanding. What?

Do you recall yourself
in Little League?

Yeah, and I loved
every minute of it.

Oh, you loved
every minute of it.

Well, my boy, first of all,

your mother and I, we went out,

and we paid for
the whole uniform.

Bought your spikes.
And you had name spikes.

Cost us $55.

Went out, and you practiced.

We watched the ball
hit you in the face.

Watched the ball
hit you in the back.

A couple of times,
we watched you say,

as the ball went past you,

"Hey! What's the big deal?"

And finally, the big game.

And we watched the game.

The final score was 75 to 98.

And between the two teams,

there was three
hits, 672 errors,

542 walks, Three
kids were beaned.

And we had to wait two
hours for one kid to stop crying.

The game was busted
open by a grand slam bunt.

Yeah, so it took a little
time. What's the big deal?

Right! No big deal!

Now there's the key.

You guys always say
things like "No big deal."

Some of the greatest
lies ever told by your kids.

"No big deal."

"I forgot."

"I'll pay you back later."

"It was like that
when I found it."

"I swear, Mom, Dad..."

[both] "It was like
that when I found it."

Mom, Dad, I just wanna
say that I'm really sorry.

Please add that to the list.

"I'm really sorry."

Yes. And the
other one that's key:

"What are you doing
home so early?"

What's going on?

They're complaining
about being parents.

Again?

How about gettin in
the car to go to work

and discovering

that your daughter's
understanding

of the word empty

means "I'll just park
the car over here

and Mom will fill it up"?

How about leaving
the car radio on,

so that both of us
have a heart attack?

The last time, they
left the thing up so loud,

your mother's hair
went straight up like this.

You guys act like you don't do

some bad things to us, you know.

I would like to know what
we ever asked you to do,

except hang up your
clothes before they take root.

[all yelling] Aw,
that's it! That's it!

We're not being paid
to look after you all.

And there's not a check
big enough to take care of it.

Here we go. Here we go now.

Watch my back.

Bet. You're 5 years old,

and your parents have
taught you that song

Under the Boardwalk. [groaning]

And your parents think you
sing that song so beautifully,

they want you to sing it every
time company comes over.

Yes! Yes!

Now, let me ask you this.

How do you tell your parents

that you hate singing
in front of a group

of old, smiling people?

And that you hate that
song Under the Boardwalk?

You open your mouth and say it.

No, I tried that. Remember?

I said, "Dad, I don't
like singing this song."

He said, "Don't worry, son.

"Listen, my son sings
and he dances, too!

"Go ahead, son. Go
ahead, boy. Take it away!"

That's just because
you don't know

how cute you were
when you were little...

[children scream] Oh,
God. I don't believe it.

Yes, they used to make
me sing Easter Parade.

Please. Don't
sing Easter Parade.

Dad? Huh?

How about... you
have a date with a guy

that you really, really like.

Go ahead! Tell him,
Denise! Tell him.

He comes to pick you up,

and your father
insists on meeting him.

So what... what does he do?

He takes the guy
into the kitchen...

Have a little talk.
Yeah. Have a little talk,

with your 4-foot buck knife!

Yes!

You took Jeremy
into that kitchen.

Took two apples, put
'em on top of each other.

Said that was us.

Took one of the
apples, skinned it,

and said that was him.

I haven't heard from him since.

And when you went out with him,

he didn't put his
hands on you, did he?

Dad, I have got
the ultimate one.

What about all those stories
that you tell us? [kids yelling]

All what stories?

Dad, all those stories

we've come to
find out are not true.

Not... who... what, oh
what... From Grandpa!

Who said? From who?

[all] Grandpa!

You're gonna believe
a man that age?

Well, Dad, how
come every single time

one of us ever came
to you for money,

you started talking
about this story.

You know, "When I was
7 years old"... [All] Yeah!

"I used to have to wake
up at 4:30 every morning."

Without an alarm clock!

Couldn't afford an alarm clock.

"Had to wake up by myself.

Had to get out and
deliver newspapers."

But wait. You always have
to brush your teeth first.

"Had to brush my
teeth." Oh, yes!

"Didn't have the
money for a toothbrush,

so I had to get a..."

Was it... some
bark, I believe it was!

No, it was... it was
a sassafras root.

Yeah! Sassafras!

"So I had no running water,

so we had to go out and
get a handful of snow."

[Denise, laughing] I
believe that it was winter

365 days of the
year. And every day,

the snow came up to here!

"Ah, once I milked a
cow. Had no bucket..."

Or didn't have
any shoes, either.

[Vanessa] Do.
Did have the shoes.

"Well, I had to
just squirt the milk

in the palm of my hand."

"And I had to..."

Hop! "...hop 3
miles to the house."

With no shoes.

"Hopped on one foot..."

To keep the other foot warm!

"And I ended up hopping..."

From house to house.

Only made about, what?

7 cents a month.

"I gave 5 cents to my parents,

"kept 2 cents to myself,

and that's how I
bought my first car."

I'm sorry... but you
do tell those stories.

Well, at least I can drive.

[Vanessa] Oh!

Are you still mad at me?

Yes.

I didn't mean to
break the machine.

You did something that
you were not supposed to do.

You're not supposed
to touch the machines.

I'm sorry! I'll pay for it!

The machine costs
about 2 skillion dollars.

That's a lot of money.

And then another 3 skillion

to have it repaired.

That's 5 skillion dollars!

Now how you gonna pay for it?

I'll save my allowance.

You will? Yes.

How much money do you
get a week for allowance?

8 kabillion.

[raspberry]

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA