The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 7, Episode 3 - The Last Barbecue - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[cheering]

[coughing]

Oh, boy.

What are you doing?

I'm cooking!

I can do this in the rain.

I can... I can do
it in the snow.

I can do it in the heat.

And it's really a thing
of man against nature.

Dr. Huxtable, maybe
you should cook inside.



Oh, this is when
Mufaro gave me away.

Oh, wow. It's hard to believe

in one week we will
have been married a year.

Ah. I think I taste oregano.

You're wasting your time, Elvin.

That is Cliff's secret sauce,

and he's not giving
the recipe to you.

He's taking that recipe
with him to the grave.

No, he's not,
because I've got it.

It's orange juice.

Hey, Dad.

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

What? What's funny?

You dropped something.



That? Uh... Yes.

Ooh, and the bridal shower.

That was so nice of you guys
to do that when I came back.

We got a lot of
stuff, didn't we?

We got the food
processor, the blender...

Maybe someday, when
you get your own home,

you'll be able to use them.

Wait a minute. You
had a bridal shower,

but nobody gave
Martin a bachelor party.

Oh, you didn't have
a bachelor party?

Well, I did, kind of.

After the wedding, the
guys on board the ship

threw me a little bash.

Ensign Purdy put
on a grass skirt,

stuffed a bra, did
a little hula dance.

Yo, Martin, man,
that's pathetic.

No matter what Ensign
Purdy looked like,

that's not a bachelor party.

That's a mockery.

Now, I think we should throw you

a real bachelor party.

What do you think, Elvin?

Oh, yeah. You
know me. Party Elvin.

Why bother? I'm already married.

Martin, I think you should
have a bachelor party.

Do you really?

Yeah. You know, it's important,

all that male bonding.

Yeah, man, so let's bond. Yeah.

Well, if you guys
want to do it for me,

hey, I'm yours.

We're going to
go all out for you,

spare no expense.

This is going to rock.

All right.

Wow. All right.

So how much did the
entire party run you, Danny?

What about if we lose the band?

And the food?

All right. Uh, a stripper?

Y-Yeah.

Well, it is traditional,

and Martin is a traditional guy.

So how much did
the stripper cost you

for your brother's
bachelor party?

Well, get back to
me. Let me know.

Cool.

A stripper?

Yeah. We're getting one

for Martin's bachelor party.

Oh, please. I hardly think

Martin's going to go for
something so... sophomoric.

Heh heh heh. I
don't know, Denise.

You heard him go on
about Ensign Purdy.

Sounds to me like a
guy who felt cheated.

Besides, he's in the Navy.

You know how those guys are.

You are talking about
my Martin, okay?

And I don't think
he'd appreciate you

stereotyping him like that.

Hey! Coming through!

Theo, another bag in the car.

I've got it.

Martin, Martin, wait
till you hear this.

Theo wants to
hire you a stripper

for your bachelor party.

A stripper?

No!

Something wrong?

Theo's going to hire a stripper

for Martin's bachelor party.

You got to be kidding.
Does Martin know about this?

Yeah. He seems fine with it.

Hey.

Well, look, don't worry, Denise.

It's not a lost cause.

Now, see this man?

He was the biggest male
chauvinist in the world

until I turned him around.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

What's that, muffin?

Did you know that
Theo is hiring a stripper

for Martin's bachelor party?

Oh, really?

Well, if that's
what Martin wants.

W-W-W-W-Wait a second.

Do you approve of this?

Well, it's not up to me.

I mean, it's like a
dinner party, you know?

If they're eating scampi,
you just eat scampi.

You have to be a good
sport about these things.

Turned him around, huh?

I can't believe
they're doing this.

What are they going to
do, and who's going to do it?

Martin, Elvin, and
your son Theo,

they're hiring a stripper

for Martin's bachelor party.

What did they say
when you told them

that tassels and pasties just
do not make it in this family?

Uh, well, we didn't.

Why not?

I thought I raised you
two to speak your minds.

[humming] Cliff,

do you know that the
boys are hiring a stripper

for Martin's bachelor party?

Mm-hmm.

Well, what do you
think about that?

I think it's archaic,
demeaning, and stupid.

Did you tell them that?

I beg your pardon?

Did you tell them that?

I'm not married to them.

They can watch
whatever they want.

I'm married to you.

If I see you
watching a stripper...

Pbffft... that's it.

Cliff, what is that?

Barbecue sauce.

Then what is that?

It's a decoy.

I like the fennel.

Nice touch.

Hey, sweetheart.

Hi, cutie.

What are you up to?

Well, darling,
I've been thinking.

Um, well, you know
that I support the idea

of you and the other men

having your little
bachelor party to-do.

Uh, it's just
that I... I... I feel

that some of your party plans

are a little bit... [no
audible dialogue]

insensitive

to me and the other
women in this family.

Did I do something wrong?

It's about you
wanting the stripper.

Baby, you heard what
I said to them out there.

I said no.

Smells good, Dad.

[Cliff] Yeah!

Um, actually,
sweetheart, darling,

you... you didn't just say no.

Well, what did I say?

Well, you said
"No! Heh heh heh!"

Well, what was I
supposed to say?

Well, I think you
should have said,

"Theo, shame on you.

"I will not tolerate

this inane,
sophomoric vulgarity."

Yeah, well, that certainly
sounds like me, huh, Elvin?

Yeah.

I'm... I'm not... I'm
not even in this.

I don't...

Great, Elvin.
You're not involved,

but you're willing
to watch a woman

being used as a man's plaything.

Honey, I'm just going
to the party, okay?

A party where a woman
is bring hired to strip

while you whoop
and holler and claw.

Hey, who's clawing?
I'm in the back.

I'm not even looking, okay?

I don't even understand

why men like to watch
strippers anyways.

Really, let's be honest.

All it is

is a lot of titillating
and teasing

and feeding men's fantasies.

[Denise] What fun can that be?

The woman strips,
then she leaves,

and you guys are left
what, chug-a-lugging a beer?

See, I don't even like beer.

And second of all, okay?

It's just a form
of entertainment

that some people
happen to like, you know.

It's like what I... The
scampi, what I said.

Elvin, it's stupid,
it's disgusting,

and it exploits women.

[Martin] Okay, now
whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is getting a
little bit one-sided.

What about those clubs
where men strip for women?

Aren't those men
being exploited?

What? Oh, please.
Give me a break.

No, no, no. I
think that it's true.

Now, what do you
think, Dr. Huxtable?

I think that the
sauce is excellent.

Male strippers
exploited? Come on.

You've seen those ads.
They're having a ball.

Yes. When men strip for women,

it's considered
cute and playful.

But when women strip for men,

it's "Grind it out, baby!
Come on! Take us home!"

Excuse me, Denise,
but you're wrong, okay?

Because I happen
to have a friend

who worked his way
through medical school

being a male stripper.

Who?

You remember Bill Ritter,

the ear, nose, and throat guy.

Bill... Bill called
himself The Toreador.

He said those
cute, playful women

were groping and clawing
and snapping his G-string.

This made him very bitter.

The fact remains
that women view men

much differently than
men view women.

How different?

Well, for one thing,
men are oglers.

And women don't ogle?

We are saying that
there is a difference

in the quality of the ogling.

[Martin] Ohh!

Yes, yes. Women just look,

but men... you guys X-ray.

I do not X-ray.

I mean, when I'm a doctor I do,

but I don't X-ray unless
there's a machine nearby.

I'd sure like to
X-ray Juanita Lomax.

What are we talking about?

Now, here we have
the perfect example

of the X-raying male.

Women have to make
themselves sexy and alluring

because men like
him are obsessed

with the perfect female form.

Who's obsessed?

Come on, Theo. I've
been shopping with you.

You scope out the mannequins.

Well, look, I know
that I am not obsessed.

Martin, please.

Look at magazines,
look at calendars.

Men prefer women
with curvaceous figures.

She's right. Let's be honest.

No man wants a woman

with floppy hips
and flabby wings.

That is the shallowest thing

I have ever heard, Theo.

Oh? And women don't
want the same thing from us?

See, that's true.

You expect us to
stay fit, stay in shape.

And I for one am tired

of having to make myself
look beautiful for women.

What do they want from me?

You know, why can't we
just have simple bodies,

like Dad?

This is your piece.

Elvin, I don't know what you see

when you look in the mirror,

but your body is
certainly not complicated.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I'll keep my feelings
about your body to myself.

What feelings?

It's not the time or the place.

No, no, no. What?

Your neck.

What's wrong with my neck?

It's just a shade thin.

Sometimes I wonder
how you swallow.

I beg your pardon!

Listen, you, my sister...

What? My sister went through
eight and a half hours of labor

to bring your children
into this world,

and you're going
to criticize her neck?

I wouldn't have said anything

if she hadn't said my
body was uncomplicated.

I'm very happy with your body:

your neck, the whole thing.

Then why do you want
to see that stripper?

I don't! He does!

Me?

I never said I wanted
a stripper. I said no!

No, you said "No,
heh heh heh heh!"

Hey!

[whistling]

All right! Settle
down, everybody.

Barbecue! Let's eat! Come on!

Shut your faces.

Ladies first.

Oh, don't you patronize me.

I'm not being patronizing.
I'm bring polite.

It's just women, you know?

If you're polite, they
say you're patronizing.

If you're not, they
say you're a pig.

The problem is they
don't know what they want.

I would stay out
of this if I were you.

You have caused enough trouble.

What did I do?

You hired the stripper.

It wasn't me. Martin wanted her.

When is somebody
going to believe me?

I said no!

No, you said "No,
heh heh heh heh!"

Okay, fine, Elvin.

If that's the way you feel,

I will just wear turtlenecks

for the rest of my life.

No is no, Denise.

No is not just no.

No is no! N-O!

What did you want me to say?

Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.
Hi, everybody.

Everybody.

Hello, Kenny.

Elvin, would you like some corn?

After you, Martin.

Thank you. How polite
and unpatronizing.

Denise, would you
like some potato salad?

Oh, no. I wouldn't
want to get too hippy.

Well, I would like some.

I don't mind getting hippy.

May I have some chicken as well?

Would you like a breast?

No, you're more of a
leg men, aren't you?

This is absolutely
ridiculous, okay?

It ends right here.

Now, I'd like some
chicken, please.

Oh, which piece
would you like, Elvin?

A...

A...

wing. I'd like a wing.

I can't take this. I'm
going to watch the news.

Hello. We made it,
we made it, we made it.

Hi. Hi.

But a man's got to drive slow

with lemon tarts
in the back seat.

Hee hee!

Well, look at this family.

Uh, hold on. Ha ha.

I got to get a picture of this.

I tell you, with so much
trouble in the world today,

it's nice to see a warm,
loving family all together.

Well, come on, Russell.

Let's put this
dessert in the kitchen.

Okay. Uh, listen,

nobody touch that
piece right there.

I'm a leg man, myself.

Great. It runs in the family.

Give it a rest, Denise.

There we go again.
Male domination.

What are you talking
about, male domination?

The man's just trying to
eat his chicken in peace.

I don't why I'm eating
this stupid little wing.

Give me a breast... the big one!

Whoa! What's going on?

It started when Theo
wanted to get a stripper

for Martin's bachelor party.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Grandpa, what's wrong with that?

Did you have a stripper
at your bachelor party?

No.

Uh, well, she was
more of a fan dancer.

Her name was, uh, Fatima.

She was a very
talented performer,

and she had these,
uh, blue ostrich feathers,

and she'd hold them
in front of herself,

and she'd do this dance

to the music of Besame Mucho.

♪ Besame ♪

♪ Besame mucho ♪

♪ Each time I
cling to your kiss ♪

♪ I hear music divine ♪

And she'd give you a
little shoulder... mm-hmm...

And then take it back,

and give you a little leg

and take it right back.

Man, she was something.

Grandma, didn't that bother you?

Oh, no. We didn't think too much

of those things then.

Yeah. The good old days.

Grandma, that sounds so sexist.

Well, times were different.

People didn't make a
big deal out of everything.

You know, if you
spent all your time

fussing over
points of contention

between men and women,

you're not going to have
much time for romance.

And this woman knows
what she's talking about.

Come on, Russell.
Let's put these on plates.

Okay.

♪ Besame ♪

I guess they must have some idea

of what they're talking about.

They've been married 50 years.

I guess we shouldn't put
differences between us

under a magnifying glass.

Tend to make things
bigger than they are.

I suppose we could manage

to let a few things slide.

♪ Love me forever
and say that you're... ♪

Don't touch me.

What?

Keep your hands to yourself.

What did I do?

Never mind. Just
hand me that tray.

Okay.

I hated that you had that woman

at your bachelor party.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, those were the times

that we kept those
things to ourselves.

You mean you've been
holding this in for 54 years?

Anna, I am no mind reader.

Oh, and while we're at it,

I hate that fan dance story.

Every time I hear
it, it sickens me.

"Give me a little shoulder
and take it right back.

Give me a little leg
and take it right back."

Well, I didn't know that.

Why do you think I
always leave the room?

To make coffee.

No?

To make coffee
and kick the wall.

Now grab these tarts
that you love so much.

Lemon tarts! Your favorite!

Oh, I love those.

Here it is, thanks to me.

He didn't do a
darn thing to help.

He was watching the Ice Capades.

What do you mean?
I floured the pans.

And you also floured the floor.

I spent ten minutes
cleaning up after you.

What are you all looking at?

Haven't you ever seen
people argue before?

Yeah, but not you guys.

Oh, grow up.

Then there was a fan
where the toe used to be.

Mama.

And then there was the... what?

We, um, haven't
finished eating yet.

Oh.

Well, you see how upset I am.

Dag-blamed fan dance stories.

I had no idea she felt this way.

I mean, why didn't she tell me?

Well, I know how you feel.

One minute you think
you're doing all right,

and then the next...
blam... You're blindsided.

Yeah, that's exactly what
happened in the kitchen...

Blam, blindsided.

I know. I've been there before.

Where?

Where have you been?

You have been nowhere,

and that is where
you're going to stay

if you don't quit
stirring up trouble.

What are we talking about, then?

Yes, you were.

See, there you go.

You act like you're
completely innocent...

Specific... It was
a general thing.

I can't... I can't
even say anything.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, you guys.

Wait, look at Dad.

He has made this
beautiful barbecue,

and we're ruining it.

I... I just feel so used.

Come on, let's just
stop the bickering,

and let's enjoy this barbecue.

She's right. Sorry, Dad.

We're sorry, Dad. It's great.

And, hey, you, I want you
to have your bachelor party,

and I want you
to have great food

and friends and all that.

You can even have your stripper.

Ohh...

Me.

Oh, man.

What a great idea.

I think that I have a
few hot moves myself.

Ooh. Pss!

So, Martin, bring
the whole fleet.

And, Elvin, don't
worry. You won't see me

because you'll be
sitting in the back.

And don't leave me
out. I'll bring the fan.

Ooh! Ooh!

And when I give the
leg, I won't take it back.

Oh.

Anna, I will never
tell that story again.

But you'll think it.

No!

I'll be thinking

the same thing
that I was thinking

54 years ago at
that bachelor party.

What?

Can't wait to get at you.

Ohh!

Will you be that romantic
with me in 50 years?

Oh, you know it.

I love your neck, honey.

It's perfect, like a swan.

Oh, Elvin.

Well, now, it certainly is nice

to see them work
things out for themselves.

They haven't worked
anything out for themselves.

It's my barbecue sauce.

Your barbecue sauce.

My barbecue sauce.

Hadn't you ever noticed

after people have some
of my barbecue sauce?

After a while, when it kicks in,

they get all huggy-buggy?

Oh, stop.

I'm dead serious.

Haven't you ever noticed

that after one of my barbecues

and they have the sauce,

people want to get right home?

Let me tell you something else.

I got a cup of it

up on the night
table in our bedroom.

I got a cup of it, I said.

I left it up there breathing.

Why don't you give the
chicken to these people?

Let's go on up and
have some sauce.

So here's the rest of
the chicken, you guys.

Dr. Huxtable, I
love this chicken.

Come on, Rudy,
let's go to my place.

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA