The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 7, Episode 2 - Bird in the Hand - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

[cheering]

[whistling]

Cliff, come here.

I want you to see our baby.

Denise has been
up all night long

finishing up that
political science paper.

The child is exhausted.

Thank God.

The Huxtable study
genes have kicked in.

There's no stopping her now.



Well, she's going to
stop for something.

That girl is hungry,

so I'm preparing
this breakfast for her.

No, no, no. Don't
give her breakfast.

If you want her to
finish that paper,

don't give her any breakfast.

Why not?

Because, dear, let me
explain physiology to you.

If she eats those pancakes,

they go dead to
the stomach... thud.

All of a sudden,

the blood cells hear that sound,

and they say "What was that?

See, I know a thud
when I hear one."



They say "That's a party thud.

"There's a party going on.

"Come on, everybody.

There's a party going
on in the stomach,"

and all the blood cells,
they leave the brain.

They run down to the stomach,

and they're in the
stomach jumping around,

and the enzymes are popping,

and everybody's cooking,
and they're partying,

and the brain says...

[yawning] "What is
going on around here?"

And then the brain says,

"Well, if everybody's partying,

then I'm going to take a nap."

And she'll fall asleep,

and that's the end of the paper.

A party in the stomach?

Yes.

I'm a doctor. Trust me.

[knock on door]

You're so silly.

It's Jim Harmond.

Don't let him in.
He's the enemy.

Good morning, Clair.

It's a pleasure to
see you this morning.

Oh.

Please don't kiss my wife.

Hey-hey!

Dr. Harmond, what
a pleasant surprise.

Would you like
some breakfast, sir?

Some pancakes,
coffee, juice, anything?

No, no, he doesn't
want anything...

No coffee, nothing.

Come in here, kissing my wife.

What do you want, Harmond?

I just had to get a
last look at the loser

before the auction today.

Auction? What auction
are you talking about?

The jazz auction for the
United Negro College Fund.

My wife and I just
signed four checks

tuition to college.

We happen to be

the United Negro College Fund.

And besides, my jazz
collection is so tight, Harmond,

I... I don't need another thing.

Including Charlie
Parker's Night in Tunisia?

Original, one-of-a-kind
acetate, hmm?

And haven't you heard
about it, Harmond?

Haven't you heard
that it's flawed?

That it has a
scratch in it so deep

that a dog could sleep in it?

Knowledgeable jazz
people know these things.

Am I right, Clair?

Uh... Clair, would you tell him

that knowledgeable jazz
people know there is no flaw

because knowledgeable
jazz people

examined the goods at
the preview on Tuesday?

[imitating Harmond]
Knowledgeable jazz people

examined the goods at
the preview on Tuesday.

I know you're just dying

to get your hands on
Night in Tunisia, Huxtable.

I can see it in your eyes.

Yes, and I'm going to
get it, too, Dr. Harmond.

Why are you two so pitiful?

Why can't you just
share the record?

Sorry.

That record is going to be mine

and only mine.

So nice to see you again, Clair.

Ooh, hee hee hee hee!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Come in here, kissing my wife.

And my wife looking
like she's enjoying it.

He never will get that record

because that record
belongs to me.

It has my name on it.

And what makes you so sure?

First of all, I beat him out

the last time there
was an auction.

I won the Machito
album off of him.

And mainly because I sat there,

and I gave him the Huxtable
"Don't mess with me" look.

Well, suppose the Huxtable
"Don't mess with me" look

doesn't work.

Just in case, I also
add to it the Huxtable

[deep, rasping
voice] Voice of Doom.

That's your Voice of Doom?

That's the Voice of Doom,

and you only got 6%

because this house
is not zoned for all of it.

Hey, what's up?

Hey.

What's that?

Poly-sci paper.

You know, I'm really impressed

with the way you're
focusing on school.

Oh, thanks, but I
am so stressed out.

Ah, well, look, there
are some things

that I learned in my
Asian Studies course

that can help you
deal with stress.

Theo, thanks.

But I don't have time
for Asian Studies.

I really have to concentrate.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt.

Okay.

But you know, in Burma,

the people have a way
of dealing with pressure.

They've learned you
have to flow with life,

not force it.

Uh-huh.

Burmese rice
farmers, for example.

They adjust their lives
to the Irrawaddy River

and irrigate their fields
when the river lets them.

Your paper will be done
when it lets you, Denise.

Flow.

Become the Irrawaddy.

Theo, this is not Burma, okay?

This is Brooklyn,

and my paper is due at 11.

I'm sorry. I was just trying
to help your work flow.

Psst, psst! Why don't you
flow on into the kitchen here?

[Denise] Thanks,
Dad. You're welcome.

Hey, Mom.

Hi. Theo, have some pancakes.

Uh, well, I just ate breakfast,

but if you insist, sure.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What?

I don't know how you do it, man.

I don't know how you do it.

You live all the way
down in the Village,

and somehow you know...

You can sense exactly

when food is going
to hit the table.

Do you have radar like a bat?

Hey, I'm done.

All right.

All right.

Denise, I knew you could do it.

Here, sweetheart,
have some pancakes.

Thank you. All I have to do

is my Table of
Contents and footnotes.

No, no. That's it.

Do the footnotes,
Table of Contents,

then you eat.

I'm ready. Let's rock and roll.

I can't finish the
footnotes anyways.

I got to take Olivia to school.

Wait a minute. I'll
take Olivia to school.

Uh, pardon me, aren't you
supposed to have shoes on

when you rock and roll?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Wait, Dad. It's okay.

I'll turn in my
paper a little late.

Nonsense.

Well, I didn't mean

for Dad to have to do that.

Hey, Denise, uh,
you'd better go footnote.

I'll help you with these.

What are you going
to buy at the auction?

I am going to buy

a jazz record called
Night in Tunisia,

recorded by some
very famous musicians.

What's jazz?

Uh, do you have a favorite song?

What's your favorite song?

Pop Goes the Weasel.

Okay. You go ahead.

You sing Pop Goes the Weasel.

Sing it.

♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪

♪ The monkey chased the weasel ♪

♪ The monkey
said it's all in fun ♪

♪ Pop goes the weasel ♪

Okay. Now, you take...

♪ A quarter for a
spool of thread ♪

No... ♪ A penny for a needle ♪

♪ That's the way
the money goes ♪

♪ Pop goes the weasel ♪

Now, what you did just naturally

was you put some jazz
in it when you went...

That... That was it.

So now let me show you.

Now let's see.

♪♪ [Scatting Pop
Goes the Weasel]

♪ Pop-pop von-to-peet
the weasel ♪

Now... ♪♪ [scatting]

♪ Pop... weasel ♪

♪♪ [scatting]

♪ Pop-pop, weasel ♪

♪♪ [scatting]

♪ Boop boop ♪

♪ Weasel ♪

♪♪ [scatting]

Hello. I'm Mrs. Lebeau.

How are you? I'm Dr. Huxtable,

Denise Kendall's father.

Oh, I'm so happy to meet you.

You must be so proud.

Denise is one of our most
responsible, dedicated parents.

Good student, too.

She was up all night
working on a paper.

That's why I had
to bring Olivia.

She'll pick her
up this afternoon.

Oh, dear. Denise
must have forgotten.

It's her turn to be
help mom for the day.

One of you has to be here.

You see, volunteers
make it possible

for us to work
with a small staff,

and they're a vital part

of the parent-child
bonding process.

Well, can't somebody
from the car pool

do the bonding?

I'm sorry. It's Denise's turn.

And if she can't come down,
you have to take her place.

I don't think you understand.

See, I have to go
to an auction today

of a very famous jazz record.

It's called Night in Tunisia,

performed by a very
important musician

by the name of Charlie Parker.

Night in Tunisia?
Bird at his best.

Dizzy Gillespie on trumpet,

Max Roach on drums.

So you know.

Know? I was president
of the Jazz Club

at Bryn Mawr.

Of course, there
were only six of us.

The Hip Six.

This is a one-of-a-kind acetate.

Oh, my.

So you do understand.

I do.

Good.

And I wish I could help you.

[phone rings]

Don't move.

[ring]

Hello.

Oh, just a moment.

It's your daughter Denise.

Yeah.

Dad. Hi.

I am so sorry. I
completely forgot.

I was supposed to
be help mom today.

I can be there right away.

Did you finish
your paper, honey?

No, but don't worry
about that. Come on.

I can't leave you stuck
with my responsibilities.

I want you to finish the paper.

I'll be okay.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Thanks, Dad. I owe you one.

Please, don't
start counting now.

Is Denise coming down?

No, she's not coming down,

but here's what I was thinking.

Look, why don't...

See, these children
are indoors all the time.

Look at the coloring on them.

They need to get out,

and we'll take a field trip,

and we will go to an auction.

That way they can learn...

I can see where Denise
gets her sense of humor.

Excuse me.

If you need me,

I will be in a
meeting with parents

in my office.

Will you be all
right, Dr. Huxtable?

Hey, I got my apron. I
got crackers, cookies.

Life is good.

Okay.

Jonathan, would you
like a cracker or a cookie?

I want a cupcake.

Uh, Jonathan, you can either
have a cracker or a cookie.

We don't have cupcakes.

Cupcake.

Work with me, Jonathan.

I have either... [beeper beeps]

a cookie or a crack...

Oh. Why don't you all finish
coloring in everything there

or call your broker?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

He's calling his broker.

[phone rings]

Hello. Jazz auction.

What time will you be
auctioning Night in Tunisia?

I'd say that should
be on the block

about a half an hour from now.

Okay, I have a slight problem.

Now, is there a way
you can back that up?

Oh, no, no, no. I
couldn't do that.

But we do accept phone bids.

If you leave your number,

I'll call you when
the bidding starts.

Okay, I'm at 555-4265.

And the name again?

And the name is Huxtable, Dr.,

and I will give you my credit
card number and everything.

Very good, sir. Thank you.

Ta-da!

Hey, see you later, Denise.

Yes! Ah!

Ah, you finished the paper.

Theo, I am talking
about 24 pages, okay?

Table of Contents,
Index, and my footnotes.

All right. You know, brother,

all I have to do is
press the "Print" button,

and you'll have the honor
of being the first to read

"Passive Resistance
from Gandhi to King."

Well, sister, I'd love to.

Okay.

Oh, no. What?

Oh, no. My paper is gone.

What? My poly-sci paper is gone.

Wait a minute.
I can't believe it.

Denise, take it easy.

I just pressed the flunk button.

Take it easy. I am
dead. I am dead.

No, Denise, no, no, no.

I am dead. I am dead.

Shh, shh. Relax.
Relax. Take a breath.

Ohh!

Denise, come on, come on.

Close your eyes.
Think of a river.

Theo, please.

Denise, come on, come on.

Close your eyes.
Take a breath. Flow.

I don't hear you
flowing, Denise.

I'm flowing. I am flowing.

Okay. Okay now.
Sit up. Take a breath.

Put your fingers
on the keyboard,

and flow till you come
to the last key you hit.

Okay.

Okay.

I pressed arrow,
and then I hit "Print."

Now look at your fingers.

Well, maybe I hit the
wrong button by accident.

Try pressing "Escape."

Now press "Recall."

[sigh]

"Mahatma Gandhi's
campaign of peaceful resistance

"marked the beginning of the end

of Western imperialism
and political dominance."

You might want
to put another eye

on that gorilla, son.

It's a dog.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Okay, how are we
doing... [phone rings]

Oh. All right.

Uh, everybody,
uh, just... [ring]

call your broker.
I'll be right back.

[ring]

Hello.

Uh, Dr. Huxtable, please.

Uh, this is Dr. Huxtable.

Dr. Huxtable, this
is the auction house.

We're just finishing
Lot number 64.

Your lot is coming up next.

Okay. Just one second, please.

All right, everybody take a nap.

Okay, go ahead.

Lot number 65:

the Charlie Parker recording

of Night in Tunisia.

We start the bidding
at a hundred dollars.

100.

I have 100 down in front.

125.

We're at 125, sir.

Now, is there a fellow there

with a corduroy
jacket and a beard,

looks like he should
be bird watching?

There sure is.

150!

He just bid 150.

He is the enemy, do
you understand me?

Now, I want you to give
him the Huxtable Stare.

Huh?

I want you to fix
your face in a way...

I want your eyes to be narrow.

I want your... your... your
lips close to your teeth.

I want you to have a look

like you would eat him alive.

Do you understand that?

Yeah.

200!

It's 200 to you, sir.

All right, I want you...

I want you to stare at him.

Stare him down...
and say... and say 225!

225!

I have 225 on the phone.

225 on the phone.

Who'll give me more?

250.

275!

The enemy just bid 275, sir.

I want you to say 300!

300!

I have 300 from the phone.

Do I hear 325?

Let's go, people. 325.325.

300 once, 300
twice... It worked!

Of course it worked.

Going, going...
We're going to get it!

300's the last bid

on Charlie Parker's
Night in Tunisia.

Do I hear another bid?

325.

325!

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh what?

A new bidder just
went in with 325.

I have 325. Who'll give me 350?

It's 350 to us, sir.

Okay now. We can do it.

Do you believe we can do it?

I believe, I believe.

All right.

Now get your face fixed back up.

Okay, now... say 400!

400!

I have 400 on the
phone. 400 on the phone.

450!

500!

500?

500? Who said 500?

We did!

When did we say that?

Just now.

550!

600!

No, no, no. Stop. Hey, boy!

650.

700!

That's... That's... That's...
That... That's not me.

I'm gone. Good-bye.

Hi!

Hi. Oh, I missed you.

Why don't you go change
your clothes? Okay.

Hey, Dad, I hope the kids
weren't too much trouble.

No, they weren't
too much trouble.

I just lost the
Charlie Parker album.

Bird flew the coop.

Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Hey, I know this
isn't your record,

but I hope this
makes you feel better.

Look at the first page.

"Dedicated to the most
supportive father in the world."

Oh.

Well, thank you, pud.

I, uh, I hope you
score well with it.

Thank you.

Thank you, Dad.

I'm proud of that.

Hi.

Hey.

I'm going to go check on Olivia.

Oh, Cliff, poor honey.

Yeah.

You must be very tired.

I understand that you
spent the entire day

with a group of preschoolers.

Mm-hmm. Aww... All I had to eat

was half of a peanut
butter and banana sandwich

that Anthony was going
to feed to the gerbil.

And to top it off,

you didn't get to
go to the auction

and bid on that
record that you wanted.

No, no. I got to
bid on the record.

I got to bid on it.

What are you talking about?

Uh, they let me
bid on the phone.

On the phone.

You were on the phone?

Yes. I was on the phone.

And guess what, dear.

I had it. I had it.

And we got... Harmond
was out of there and gone.

I don't know where
this fool came from,

but came in and started bidding

like somebody who was possessed,

I'm telling you.

You were on the phone.

I'm telling you I
was on the phone

like, high noon,

and... and I... and I blinked.

I knew I wasn't going
to get that record.

The last thing I know,

that price was going up,

and that dude paid
a bundle for that.

That's all right, boy.

Yes.

It was one of a kind.

I don't care if it's
one of a kind or what.

That person's going to
have to keep that record

for about 900 years

before they can get their
money back on that one.

Some idiot sitting up there
bidding all that money, man.

So, uh, sweetheart,
why don't you just relax?

And I'll, uh, I'll put
on some music.

No, dear. I don't want
to hear any more music.

I tell you, music does nothing
except break your heart.

It just goes to the person

who's bidding higher
than anybody else.

♪♪ [Night in Tunisia]

Where did you get that?

You ever dance with a fool?

You?

Me!

Oh, dear!

Oh, no.

How much did you
wind up paying for it?

$450.

No, you didn't pay no $450.

That was the last
bid I had to beat.

No, please, because
the man was up to 7...

He was up to 700 when
I hung up the phone.

That poor thing.

Oh, he kept bidding
long after I stopped.

You know, that
fool got up to 1,500.

Yeah, so what did you pay?

I paid 450 because
they found out

that the last authorized
bid that he had

was for 400.

You should have seen his face.

Lips all curled up,

eyes squinting and
rolling all around.

"1,500!"

Oh, he was off.

Yeah.

Ah!

Look out now.

♪♪ [theme]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA