The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 7, Episode 23 - Cliff and Jake - full transcript

♪♪

This is good.

What's so funny?

Oh, the comics.

Which one?

Over the Edge.

Well, let me see.

Can I see? Can I see?

Oh, sure. Here, let
me read it to you.

See, this guy is a farmer,

and that guy is a Martian.



You see how that farmer

is holding that
big bottle of soda?

Yes.

Now, the Martian is saying

"No, I said take
me to your leader."

You're laughing,
but do you get it?

No.

Oh, well, then I'll
explain it to you.

You see, the farmer
is holding a liter...

L-I-T-E-R.

Now, that's a measurement.

But the Martian wanted

to be taken to his
leader... L-E-A-D-E-R.

You know, like the
president or the mayor.



That's not funny.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

If there was a bug
in the farmer's bottle,

that would be funny.

Hey-hey-hey.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Mom.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

Mom, you got to look at this.

Jake's Appliance Store
is having a big sale.

Huh.

"Jake's big semi-annual
sale, one day only.

Electric sanders 50% off."

Oh, no. If Dad sees that,

he's going to want
an electric sander.

And he's going
to bring it in here

and sand everything in sight.

Rip this page out and burn it.

Mom, you can't do that.

Dad reads every
page of the paper.

Why don't we hide that section

and tell him it never came?

Now that is perfect.

You can always depend on a child

to come up with
a sneaky solution.

Thank you, Mom, thank you.

Clair!

Yes!

Where are you, dear?

I'm... I'm downstairs.

I'm downstairs,
but I'm coming up.

No, no, don't come
up. I'm coming down!

Whatever you do,
don't look at that pot.

Look here. Look.

You know the pen
you were looking for?

I found it.

Oh, you're so
good to me! All right.

Come over here and
have some yogurt.

I just want to get
something to...

Hey, Dad.

Hi! Hey!

Hi. How's everybody?

Oh, we're fine.

Good, good, good.

Reading that paper.

All right. All the
parts that came.

Yeah, good. Thank you.

Father reads the
paper first. I told you.

Where's the Metro section?

That's the part that
didn't come, dear.

I don't know what happened.

Somebody just didn't
assemble the paper

correctly, I guess.

Well, you know, Mom,

they put 4 or 5 million
of these together.

They're bound to mess one up.

Yeah. Say, you know,
I've been thinking.

This paint... is chipping.

I think what I'm going to do

is sand all these doors

and... and paint all
around the place.

I don't see any chips anywhere.

That door doesn't need sanding.

And I love that color.

Don't you think
that color's pretty?

That is a great
color, Dad. Yes, it is.

Yeah, well, it's all right.

I'll think about it.

When I come back,
I'll let you know.

Where are you going? Huh?

Not to buy another paper.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Got a flyer. Flyer came.

Jake's giant sale.

Semiannual clearance.
50% off. One day only.

Electric sander.

You can't go down there.

Don't you have an appointment?

Yes, but it's not until 10.

And by the way, save me some

of that Metro paper
stew you got in the pot.

You're a little bit old

to be doing this kind of thing.

This is my final offer.

You're getting it for a
couple of pennies above cost.

Take it or leave it. $46.

But, Jake, I only have $40.

I'll take it.

You did it to Jake again.

What a bargain, what a deal.

Cookie, here.

Collect 40 and wrap
this up for Mrs. Haley.

Sure, Dad.

Another happy customer.

All right, all right, all right.

Jake's.

Uh, yes, this is Clair
Huxtable speaking.

Uh, Dr. H is coming
down to see me, right?

That's right. Now listen, Jake,

you know he has
a bit of a problem

controlling himself
in your store.

Oh, that's because we
have the best prices in town.

Yes, I'm certain that you do,

but listen to me very carefully.

Now, when he
comes into your store,

he's going to want
to buy something.

Don't sell it to him.

Yeah, but he's one of
my favorite customers

and a very good friend.

How can I do that?

Because I'm telling you, Jake.

He's going to want
an electric sander.

Uh, uh, what? I'm
sorry. I'm having... What?

I'm having a little trouble here

with the phone.

That's a very tired trick.

Don't try to play that on me.

I know you heard
every word I said.

No sander. Now promise me.

Okay, I promise.

No sander.

Ah, you're a strong
woman, Mrs. H.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Dad, I think it's very nice

that you finally started
listening to Mrs. Huxtable.

Hey, I really love that family,

and on top of that,
she's a killer attorney.

Why don't we throw the
sanders behind the counter?

Okay. I know, but
this is going to hurt.

I had a guaranteed
sale with the doctor.

You know that, don't you?

I know it, I know it.

Hey!

Here he is, the good doctor.

Yes indeed. How are you?

Ha ha! Cookie, how you doing?

My good friend. Oh, boy.

I always look forward
to my visits with you.

How are you
doing? I'm doing fine.

Fine, fine. Yes.

What is this?

Oh, that's a cabinet I built.

Yeah, I used wooden
pegs instead of nails.

Jake, if I could do
that kind of work...

If I could do that kind of work.

Hey, if I could only
deliver babies, you know,

but the good Lord
puts us down here

all for different reasons.

I build cabinets,
you slap bottoms.

That's right.

But here we go.

Yeah.

Sale. Pow!

Electric sanders 50% off.

Let me have one.

Yeah. Uh, Cookie,

how are we doing
with the sanders?

Sorry, but we're all sold out.

What do you mean
you're sold out?

You just opened 15
minutes ago, Jake.

Yeah, I know, but
w-when I got here,

the... the store...
the people...

There was... There was
such a crowd outside.

They were holding the papers
and the ads and the flyers,

yelling "We want
sanders! We want sanders!"

I tell you, it sounded
like a political rally.

The thing went like hotcakes.

Well, that's too
bad because I had...

I had my heart set on
sanding and painting.

Look, I'll sell you
some nice sandpaper.

You'll take it down by hand.

It'll be like aerobics.

Okay. Okay. Good.

And please hurry it up

because I'm 15 minutes
later than I thought.

There was a terrible
traffic accident out there.

Dr. Huxtable. Huh?

Never say traffic accident
in front of my father.

Did somebody
say traffic accident?

Yeah. Uh, I was late
coming in because...

You said traffic
accident, huh? What?

Dad, don't start. Don't start.

I'm not starting
anything. Cookie, relax.

Listen, let me tell you
about a traffic accident.

It can't be... It can't
be as annoying

as a traffic accident
I had ten years ago

with that bum Stanley Rappaport.

I was here, right in
Flatbush and Park Place.

Okay? Excuse me. Excuse me.

My car was right here
at a stop sign, all right?

Right in front of me is
that bum, that Stanley...

Wait a minute. Excuse
me, please. Excuse me.

Right here was that bum,
that Stanley Rappaport

in a fancy car which had
plenty of payments to go.

Excuse me, please. Excuse me.

All right? Now watch this.

Over here is a tree.

Over here was a lamppost.

Over here was a small dog.

Yeah.

Now, right at that moment,

as fate would have it,

the knob on my radio
falls off on the floor.

Now, I start to
reach for the knob,

and all of a sudden, boom!

He plows right
into my front end.

Now, I'm sure he must
have had the car in reverse

because he backed
right up into me, see?

Sure, sure.

So I start to yell at this guy.

Hey! Look what you did!

Yeah.

And now Rappaport,

he jumps out of the
car like a madman.

He says "Look what I did?

Look what you did." Uh-oh.

"You ran into me."

I was sitting in my car
looking for my knob.

I wasn't even driving.

Okay.

Anyway, it would up

I had to pay a
repair bill for $35

to that cheat, that bum,
that Stanley Rappaport, huh?

And it wasn't even my fault.

Yeah.

Could I have my sandpaper?

You'll get your sandpaper.

You got your sandpaper.

But Rappaport will never
get sandpaper from me.

He won't even get sand.

Dad, calm down.

I'm calm, I'm calm.

I didn't make up one
word. These are the facts.

I'm really sorry about that.

That's okay, that's okay.

My father has never
gotten over that...

accident... With
Stanley Rappaport.

Well, I can see that.

Dr. Huxtable,

there's something I'd
like to talk to you about,

uh, privately.

Do you think I could
stop by your office today?

Sure. Uh, is 12:30 all right?

Fine. There's somebody
I'd like you to meet.

And please don't mention
anything about this to my father.

No, I won't mention
that or traffic accident.

Somebody mention
traffic accident?

No, no. Nobody said anything
about a traffic accident.

Huh? I thought I heard...

I thought... I'm hearing things.

Nobody said... no.

All right. Here's the sandpaper.

I got you the fine
and the coarse.

You know, Jake,
it's just too bad

I couldn't get an
electric sander.

Yeah. Yeah, boy...

I feel bad about that, too.

As a matter of fact,

uh, I was willing to pay more

than the 50% off.

Oh, yeah?

How, uh, h-how much more?

Well, I was figuring
maybe you had something

that was in the back
that you thought maybe

a customer wasn't
going to pick up,

I would take it off
your hands for 25% off.

25% off?

Well... From the
back that a customer...

Not necessarily.

If, uh, it was really
tough for you,

I would... I would
pay the full price.

Full... Full price?

Yeah. Now... Now, just...

Do you remember the tool belt

that you tried to sell
me, I didn't want it?

Yeah, the tool... the tool belt?

Well, if I could get... Yes?

The electric sander... Uh-huh.

I'd be willing to
buy the tool... belt.

Tool belt, too, with the sa...

Full... price.

Full price? Right.

And I need...

Hello.

Dr. Huxtable, there's
a Loretta Bennett

here to see you.

Loretta Bennett?

She said you'd
know her as Cookie.

Ah, yes, yes, yes.
Please send her in.

Cookie.

Hi. Thanks for taking
the time to see us.

I would like you to meet
my fiancé Jonathan.

Hello, Dr. Huxtable.

How are you? How are you?

Well, congratulations. Sit down.

Listen, your father
never told me

that you were engaged.

Uh, he... ahem...
Doesn't know yet.

So you're going to surprise him,

and you came
here for a blood test.

Well, I'm going to do
it. I'll give you 50% off.

Bong!

No, no. That's not
why we're here.

Huh?

I bec... Oh, Jonathan,

tell Dr. Huxtable
your last name.

Rappaport.

My father is Stanley Rappaport.

Traffic accident.

Right.

Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Whew.

For the past 11 months,

Jonathan and I have had to
keep our romance a secret.

Yeah, well, yeah.

It's been ten years
since the accident,

and our fathers still refuse
to speak to each other.

One time, Jonathan and
I were in the city together,

and my father saw us.

I'll never forget it.

We were on the corner of 57th,

and my father was
parked across the street.

There was this great
big bus... Honey...

in the middle of
the intersection...

Honey. Honey.

Oh, anyway, my father, okay?

He saw us. He went
completely crazy.

He dragged me away,
ranting and raving

and carrying on that
he never wanted me

to speak to that
Rappaport kid again.

Your father anything
like her father?

Worse. Really?

The funny thing is these
two men grew up together

in the same neighborhood.

They played high
school football together.

They even double-dated.

And it... it's crazy.

His father was my dad's
best man at his wedding.

And now there's been
ten years of feuding.

Dr. Huxtable, Jonathan
and I love each other,

and we love our fathers.

But we're going to get married

whether or not our
fathers want us to.

So would you tell them, please?

Tell them what?

To stop this stupid fighting.

We went them to
give us their blessing.

We want to have a
wonderful wedding.

My father respects you, Doctor.

If he's ever going
to listen to anyone,

it would be you.

Hey, Mom. Hi.

What are you doing?

Well, the lever on this
toaster wasn't working,

so I took one of your
father's do-it-yourself books

which he doesn't
seem to understand,

and I did it myself.

Ha ha ha! Good idea.

Now he won't have to
ruin yet another appliance.

Or go to Jake's

and buy a toaster that looks
more like an industrial oven.

You know, I hadn't planned
on eating while I was here,

but since you've
fixed the toaster,

I might as well break
it in with tuna on toast.

Toast on, son, toast on.

Dear?

Hey! Hungry homeboy!

Hey, Dad.

What's happening, kid?

How was your work today?

Well, it was quite unusual.

Uh, Jake's daughter came up

with her fiancé to ask me

to talk to her
father and his father

because they're feuding,

and these two are
going to get married,

and it looks like if they
don't patch things up,

these guys are not
coming to the wedding.

Oh! Whoa!

Oh!

Oh, Mom, are you sure

you read that fix-it book right?

Did you... you fixed
the toaster, dear?

Well, I... I thought I did.

Step out of the way.

Look at it.

Now, see, this
thing is done for.

Oh, that's it.

Now, see, I'm going to
have to go down to Jake's...

and get a toaster.

No, no, no, no, no. You're
not going down to Jake's, dear.

Why am I not going down to...

Sweetheart, you
cannot go to Jake's

because you are weak.

I'm not weak. You saw me.

I went to Jake's this morning.

Did I come back with anything?

I was down in the
basement, Cliff.

I saw a brand-new
electric sander,

still in its box,

hidden in one of the
children's sleeping bags.

Yeah? So?

Why does that mean that I...

I mean, Theo could
have bought the thing

and put it down there.

You're stretching now, Dad.

I'm not angry about it, honey.

You're weak. I
know this. I accept it.

I understand.

And I'll be back with a toaster.

Oh, you...

You... you... you could
have taken the heat, man.

You know, you come
here, you eat my food,

and then all I ask you to do

is take the heat for the
thing in the basement,

and you turn around
and give me what?

Grief. Grief.

I'm sorry, Dad.

No, no, no. Hey, hey. Come here.

Now put the food back.

Hello.

Dr. Huxtable, there's
a Mr. Rappaport

here to see you.

Yes, yes.

And the gentleman in
Examination Room B,

bring him in also, please.

How are you, Mr. Rappaport?

You're Dr. Huxtable?

Yes, I am, sir.

My son Jonathan said
you wanted to see me.

That is correct, sir.

I already had my physical
at the medical center.

I'm not that kind of doctor.

I'm a baby doctor.

Oh, well, my wife is over 65.

No, no, no, no.

Yes.

Hello, Doctor.

Stanley Rappaport!

What is that man doing here?

What do you mean?
I go where I please.

It's a free country.

Sure. For him,
it's a free country.

He goes around hitting cars

and taking money from people.

Now, gentlemen...

Don't say "gentlemen"
in his presence.

I see time hasn't made
you any more reasonable.

Ehh.

Listen. Listen to me,
both of you, please.

I was asked to bring
the two of you together

so we could
settle this silly feud

about a traffic accident.

Traffic accident?
Traffic accident?

I was sitting here
near the stop.

He was right in front
of me with his fancy car.

Over here was a dog.
Over here was a lamppost.

No, no, no, you're wrong.

It wasn't a lamppost. It
was a telephone pole.

And it wasn't a
dog. It was a cat.

Now I want both
of you to stop it

because I'm here to tell you

that your children are
going to get married.

To whom?

His daughter to your son,

your son to his daughter.

And they're going to get married

whether the two of
you make up or not.

Never! Over my dead body! Never!

Dr. Huxtable, is this true?

Yes.

My son is going to marry

the daughter of Jake Bennett?

Yes.

And they're going
to have the wedding

whether we're there or not?

Whether you're there or not.

Call him back in.

It isn't necessary.

I had Mrs. McKechnie
lock the front door.

Good move.

That was a dirty trick.

Jake, please sit down.

There's something I want to say.

Tell him I don't want to listen

to any more of his lies.

Come on, come
on, Jake. Sit down.

I'll do it for you, Doctor.

Step aside.

Jake, please listen to me.

The day of the accident,

I had a terrible
argument with my wife,

so I ran out of the
house, got in my car,

and just drove around.

When I got to the stop sign,

I thought, Maybe
I should go back

and make up with her.

I guess I absentmindedly
threw the car into reverse.

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me

that that... accident
was not my fault?

I was going to apologize
to you on the spot,

but when you
started yelling at me,

I felt as though I was
having the argument

with my wife all over again.

I had to win at least
one argument that day.

I'm sorry, Jake.

Oh, my...

Stanley.

Stanley.

I'm...

Stanley, I'm sorry, too.

I... Look, it wasn't...
Wasn't all your fault.

I... If I... If I were
watching you,

I... I could have backed up.

Oh, my... Uh... Such
a... Such a tiny dent.

I can't believe I
made you pay $30.

35.

35.

So I'll treat you to
dinner at El Morocco

for $35.

Stanley, El Morocco
closed 25 years ago.

So we'll go someplace else?

I can't believe

there's a couple
of dummies like us.

Separated from
my... My best friend...

My best friend for ten years.

I...

And now...

Hmm?

And now your... your Jonathan...

And your Cookie. Uh-huh.

We're going to be related.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yes.

♪ To each loyal
son and daughter ♪

♪ Faithful to the core ♪

♪ Let's drink a toast
with seltzer water ♪

♪ To P.S. 44 ♪

Hey, come on!

I can't believe it.

We got to plan a wedding.

Yes, and a honeymoon.

And, you know, the
father of the bride

always pays for the wedding.

It's okay with me.

That's traditional.

We'll have paper plates.

Oh, no.

And a piano player!

Ha ha!

We'll have such a great time!

♪♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
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