The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 7, Episode 22 - There's Still No Joy in Mudville - full transcript

♪♪

Now you try it.

Look, I don't know how well
I'm going to bowl for you guys,

but I appreciate you
having me on the team.

You don't need
to apologize, man.

The guys are going
to be needing you,

the way Cliff bowls.

What's keeping that son of mine?

Your game isn't going to get
any better upstairs, Huxtable.

Come on, loser.

Now, now, don't be
so hard on my son.



He knows his way
around the bowling alley.

Yes, but after he parks the car,

he still got to bowl.

I know the other team's average,

and all he has to
give us is 75 points.

Well, surely the
man can do that.

There's the rest of the team.

Hey guys, come on in.

We got the motor running.

Cliff will be right down.
How's everybody?

Is he late again?

Elvin, I don't think
you know these fellows.

This is Elvin Tibideaux.

Hi, I'm the new
bowler on the team.



Oh, you're the young doctor
married to Cliff's daughter Sondra.

That's right. Yeah, with the
twins, Winnie and Nelson.

Oh, you guys know my kids.

We should. Russell show
us new pictures every month.

Can they walk without
falling down yet?

Sure, they can.

Well, then, they can take

your father-in-law's
place on the team.

Elvin, this is Joe Simms.
He's in the bank business.

They used to call
him "rubber arm."

And this here's Frank Parlor:

"Payday" Parlor.

Now, if you're
looking for a new car,

this is your man.

Rubber Arm and Payday.

Those are great names.

We got those in
the Negro League.

Great pitcher, great hitter.

The Negro League?
Do you mean to tell me

that you guys played
with, like, Jackie Robinson,

Minnie Minosa, and
Roy Campanella?

Oh, yeah. They are
the guys they talk about.

There are plenty that
they don't talk about,

like a guy named
Classy Judy Johnson.

But Hank Aaron, Willie
Mays, and Ernie Banks

got their start in
that league, too.

He helped make 'em famous.

They hit a lot of home
runs off of this man.

Hey, they were friends of mine.

I gave each one of
them one home run,

start 'em off on great careers.

But I can brag about
striking out Frank Robinson.

When? Come on,
man, you know when.

You know, I always felt

like I missed something
not being born back then.

You did. You missed
being 72 years old.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

All right!

What kind of outfit is that?

It's an outfit for bowling.

Does it come with a cummerbund?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Let's go.

Let's go, I'm ready.

I might bowl 700.

Come on, Elvin,
you ride with me.

I'll tell you some more
Negro League stories.

Same deal as last season, right?

Oh yes, yes. Of course.

Don't mind.

The man with the lowest
points buys dinner. Okay.

And, Huxtable, I'm
going to make sure

you don't weasel out and
buy us those cheapo hot dogs.

Who told you they were cheap?

Welcome to another session
of the most challening quiz show

on televison today:
If You're So Smart.

Now, audience, if
you're so smart...

How come you're not rich?

Rudy! Olivia.

You ladies have been asking
to help me out in the kitchen.

Well, now's your chance.
I'm preparing dinner.

Mom, can you wait
one minute, please?

We just love this new quiz show.

Our first category is the 1940s.

Oh, my time.

Yeah, the olden days.

Our subject is Westerns.

And the question
is, if you're so smart,

which cowboy star wore
two six-shooters backwards

and claimed to be
a peaceble man?

Oh! That's Cliff's
favorite! Oh yes, okay.

That's Tex Ritter... no!

La... no!

Uh, uh... Buck! Buck Jones!

No. Wild Bill Elliot.

Time's up! If you were so smart,

you would've
said Wild Bill Elliot!

Yes!

How did she know that?

She's just smart.

Next category, music,

and the question
is, If you're so smart,

what hit song was attributed
to a man with a foot problem?

Ooh, it's on the
tip of my tongue.

Flat Foot Floogie. No, no, baby.

Please don't do that.
You're confusing me.

It's uh, uh... Oh!

Can't Love You Because
Your Feet's Too Big.

No.

Flat Foot Floogie.

All right, all right,
Olivia, we'll see.

Time's up again!
If you're so smart,

you would've answered
Flat Foot Floogie.

Spooky, Mom, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

What are you two up to?

Nothing.

Nothing!

Nothing!

In a pig's eye, nothing!

Video cassette?

Gotcha! Gotcha!

Oh, you little whirlybirds!

All we asked Cliff to do
was bowl a measly 75.

That's all we asked of him.

Russell, I'm not criticizing,

But the first time I took
my daughter bowling,

she scored 77,

and she was only 8 years of age

with one arm in a sling.

But you have to admit

that Cliff was the best-dressed
worst bowler out there.

Who does that remind you of?

Clean Man Holmes.

Right. Third base.
Kansas City Monarchs.

Best dressed
player in the league.

The only man in the league

to have creases
in his pinstripes.

Yeah, but he was the
worst hitter I've ever seen.

Couldn't hit a cow
with a milk truck.

When he came up to bat,

the outfielders would go
visit their friends in the stands.

75.

75!

That's all we asked.

75!

Now, look, we've
all been through that.

Russell, I got very great sympathy
for you being the father of that man.

All we needed was a
trifling 75 from this man.

Huxtable, you threw your
ball in the gutter so many times,

the people started
calling it wino.

Wino!

Let me see this ball.

Such a pretty thing.

Looks like it's got
toothpaste in it.

And you had to
throw it in the gutter.

The man who drilled the hole...

Look at how my
thumb... goes in and out.

Who does that remind you of?

Alibi Al Benson.

Take a strike and say a
piece of dust got in his eye.

Or how about that time
he said he got blinded at bat

because the sun was reflecting
off the bald head of a man

sitting in the center
field bleachers?

It's not the ball's fault.

I mean, what you need
is a new pair of eyes.

A new arm, a new brain.

Son, let me put
this ball to rest.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Remember, we're
all part of a team.

Now let's just forget it.

There's always next week.

And if my son doesn't
become a good bowler,

then at least you'll be an
expert on buying Chinese food.

You mean he's bowling
with us next week?

Hey, more Chinese food.

Hey, I'm hungry. Let's eat.

All right, everybody
meet over at my house.

We're gonna have some
good talk about baseball.

Huxtable...

Look at this ball.

I don't even have
a proper bag for it.

I just throw it in the trunk.

In summer, it expands.

I bowl 150, 151.

In winter, it contracts.

I bowl 150, 151.

I've never bowled a 75.

Baseball stories?

Well, don't let's worry
about the baseball stories.

Just think about
the Chinese food.

It was a real cloudy day,

and the Philadelphia Stars were already
behind by 14 runs in the third inning.

So their manager, knowing
he didn't have a chance,

put on a coal miner's
hat with a lamp

and then stumbles
on out to home plate

and begs the umpire to call the
game on account of darkness.

That's a great story, Ed.

Oh, yes!

Very fine.

Pass the egg rolls, please.

And while you're at it,
pass the Mushu pork.

I remember,

my dad took me to
44th and Parkside

to see the Kansas City Monarchs,

and I remember, it
was a lovely Sunday...

There he goes again.

I'm talking about the
Kansas City Monarchs.

There was a man
that pitched for them.

His name is Satchel Paige.

He had a thing called
the Hesitation Pitch.

Can you pass me the spareribs?

See now, this
hesitation pitch...

see, a pitcher will
throw like this, see?

Any dumplings over there?

Dumplings coming up. Fine.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Go ahead.

Go ahead.

When the regular
pitchers pitched,

they just go like
this and they throw.

Any sweet and sour pork?

You dropped something?

So what they do is their
arms go back this way, see,

and Satchel took it all back,
he took it back, you understand?

And brought it up and stomped
two times on the ground.

You understand?

Now...

What? What?

What did I just say?

About what?

What are doing with
all of those boxes?

You planning on
stealing the food?

You can't say stealing
without talking about Pep Miller.

There's a man who could steal.

Pep Miller stole everything

except first base
in the first inning.

Next inning, their
catcher walks out.

He's got printed across
his chest protector

"Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Please Mr. Miller."

Don't you get it, Harmond?

Thou Shalt Not Steal.

See, in baseball,
you can steal a base.

Hysterical!

Wake up boy. Hou have dropsy?

Wake up!

Ah, yes.

Fascinating,

these baseball
treasures of yours.

I know very little
about baseball,

so all this good
fun... Ha ha ha ha!

Is wasted on me.

Tell him the story
about Roy Campanella.

Oh, oh, yeah.

If you don't get the story
about Roy Campanella...

Yeah, and like everybody
knows Roy Campanella. Yes.

And Roy tells about this
game they played in heavy fog.

Now, every time we hit the ball
to the outfield, nobody could see it,

and Roy's team was
circling the bases,

and the scores adding up,

so when they took the field,

their manager called
the outfielders together

and says to them,

"Now, here's a
ball for each of you.

"Now, if a fly ball
is hit your way,

you cry, 'I've got it!'"

Now, don't you know the
next batter hit a high fly ball

up into the fog,
deep into outfield.

Now everbody is looking,

but no one can see a thing.

Then you hear "I got it."

And the runners hold up,

and then simultaneously
through the fog,

three balls come flying
in from the outfield.

Honey, you are
missing all of the fun.

You should hear some
of these stories. Come on.

I've heard those stories before.

That's why I'm in here now.

And besides, you guys
are doing what you do best,

trying to outtalk each other.

If I were in there,
you'd be trying

to outtalk each other to me.

Yeah.

So there's your fruit salad,

and I am off for
a nice, quiet walk.

Well, don't forget to come back.

'Cause you know
who's waiting for you.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, ladies.

You and your friends are out
there talking about baseball, right?

Right. I was wondering,

what team in 1950 were
known as the Whiz Kids?

You don't know that, Rudy?

And you do?

Yes, I do.

Philadelphia Phillies.

Willie "Puddin'
Head" Jones on third.

Dad, do you happen to know

who Harry S. Truman
defeated in 1948?

He defeated, uh...

You don't know
that, either, Rudy?

And you do?

Yes, I do.

Thomas E. Dewey.

Tell 'em what they won, Frank.

Thomas E. Dewey. Tell
'em what they won, Frank?

Yes.

Who is Frank?

That's "Thomas E. Dewey,

tell 'em what they've
won"'s last name.

Well, bye. I have to
go finish my homework.

Come over here a second. Okay.

Harry S. Truman defeated who?

Thomas E. Dewey tell
'em what they've won Frank.

Tell 'em what they won, Frank?

Yes.

And Frank is the last name?

Yes.

Why does he have
such a long last name?

Flat foot floogie?

Flat foot Floogie?

No.

Wild Bill Elliot?

What is the matter with you?

We'll be right back
after these messages.

He told me the man was so quick

that when he cut the
corners on the bases,

he'd come back to the dugout
with dirt in his back pockets.

Now, that reminds me

of the great Sir
Garfield Sobers,

a superb cricket player.

The greatest all
around in the world.

The Seychelles Tournament,
1965, the Carribean.

Carribean? We
played in the Carribean.

This is a great story.

But we have to
tell them next time.

We promised our wives.

I better be going, too.
Elvin, you driving me?

Sure thing. I guess I'll go home

and teach my twins how to bowl.

But I'm going to come back
and help you clean up, so...

Next time, just mention
the word Carribean

and I'll tell you that one.

Take care.

I'll see ya, Parlor.

Well, wasn't that
some great stuff? Huh?

I just can't tell you how
great this thing is, man,

because each story, gets, uh...

better than the other one...

Sit down, Cliff.

Well, you know
it's getting late.

We're going to tell you
some stories of our culture

that transcends
national boundaries.

Yeah, but it's
getting... it's late.

We're talking about cricket.

Fine legs. Square legs.

Short legs.

Cricket!

Now you should know about that.

Well, uh, I understand,

but you see, it's late,
and maybe a fortnight...

No, no, no, no. Sit down, man.

For the past three hours, Yes.

Everyone in this room has heard

about the Great
American Pastime.

Now everyone in this room

is going to hear about
a greater pastime.

Cricket!

Silly point! Silly mid off!

Silly mid on.

Cricket! Cricket!

Right.

To the Queen!

To the Queen! Queen!

Now we'll begin

with the escapades
of the top five players.

And then we will move on

to the greatest matches played

in the last five
years internationally

in such far-flung places
as England, Australia,

India, Pakistan, New Zealand,

the West Indies, Zimbabwe,

and Rikers Island in the Bronx.

The Queen. The Queen.

The Queen.

So Crenshaw had this emery board

cleverly lodged in his visor.

And every time he
was about to bowl,

he rubbed his hand
across his forehead,

thus abraiding the ball,

which distorts its rotation.

Well, I decided to
reverse the trick.

Heh heh heh.

I had some itching
powder under my glove,

and I rubbed it on the seam.

Now Crenshaw developed
this heinous-looking rash,

and his friends
avoided him for weeks,

thinking it was contagious.

Can you imagine it?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I knew it was a good idea

to keep my essential
equipment in my truck.

And you can see
from the equipment

what a game of
immense skills cricket is.

I don't doubt the skill.

I'm just saying that I don't see

how you can compare the
clash of the titans like baseball...

That is exactly
what I expect to hear

from someone who
admires baseball.

Which is like our
game called rounders.

I don't understand what's funny.

It's just that
rounders is a game

played by little children.

Well, let me tell you something.

First of all, I can play
nine innings of baseball.

I can steal 23 bases,
strike out 14 people,

play the outfield by
myself, go get the fly balls,

make 16 double
plays with nobody on it,

and still play nine
innings of this cricket.

We are real cricketers,
man. We can play for days.

Of course you can play for days
because you stop to have tea.

And then you have cucumber
sandwiches every five seconds.

"To the Queen."

You can say that

because you know there
is no cricket field nearby

where we can
publicly disgrace you.

Harmond, we don't need
a field to play that game.

We can play that
game right in my house.

That is a hollow threat. Huh?

Because I know you wouldn't
damage your possessions.

No, no, there's nothing
hollow in my house.

Pardon me. Here you go.

All right, now we just,
if you all just help me...

I don't need pads for this game.

Not if I'm going to have tea.

He's going to be
hurling this ball at you

at 90 miles an hour.

I couldn't care...
No, we can't use this.

We'll use a tennis ball.

We gonna play some cricket,

and every five minutes

have a cucumber sandwich
and tea to the Queen.

Bring it here. You ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

Come on, okay. Here you come.

No good. Here. No!

You're out. I'm not out.

You can't catch the ball, man.

This is not baseball
or rounders.

Yeah, but you
threw the ball at me.

I had to catch the ball...

No, no, no, you hit
the ball with the bat.

That's what you got the bat for.

Well, put it across the plate.

We don't play when the
ball is going behind the man.

Come on.

I'm ready.

Hey! Here we go! Silly things.

Oh, boy.

I'm safe.

No, you're not!

Well, I'm not out.

This time, I'm coming
all the way from Jamaica.

Yeah, you better.

He's coming from Jamaica.

Get ready. Come on. Bring it in!

Aah!

Yeah, come on. Come on.

Come on, I know, Satchel Paige.

Satchel Paige with
the Hesitation Pitch.

No, I got you.
Don't even try it.

Bounce it in front of...

And then I'll wick
you... Oh, boy.

To the Queen. To the Queen.

♪♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA