The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 6, Episode 8 - The Day the Spores Landed - full transcript
Cliff has a nightmare about spores which poured out of an erupting volcano and into the water which makes all the men pregnant, including: Theo, Elvin, Martin and himself.
♪♪ [theme]
This is the best elevator
music I've ever heard.
[moaning]
[moaning continues]
♪♪ [classical
music on television]
[Man on TV] We interrupt our regular
programming for a special news report.
Here is NBC News
correspondent John Palmer.
[John Palmer] This morning, three
more pregnant men have been sighted.
The men, each of whom
is in his ninth month,
were discovered in
Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.
This brings the total
number of pregnant men
in the United States to
well over 1 1,300,000.
As we reported earlier,
this phenomenon has been traced
to the eruption of a volcano in Peru.
Scientists say spores from the volcano
have altered the world's water supply,
enabling men to become pregnant.
As yet, no man has given birth,
but millions are due at any moment.
The nation's hospitals are standing at
the ready in a state of total confusion.
Wait. This just in.
Another pregnant man has been spotted
at a car dealership in Marietta, Ohio.
Stay tuned for further updates.
Cliff! Honey!
Honey! Get down, honey!
They just found four more!
[Cliff] All right!
Honey, can you believe it? They
found four more pregnant men.
I feel sorry for them.
I feel sorry for myself.
Please, please,
please. Don't even...
Don't touch me, please.
Honey, would you like a pillow?
Please.
Can you scoot?
Can you... can you...
Yeah. Just... just that...
Be careful, honey.
Now, is that better?
I gotta put 'em up.
Yes, let's put 'em
up here on the table.
They're not bending well.
Aw!
Uhh! Oh!
Now, how's that?
That's much better.
Where'd that mess come from?
Who ate down here?
I did, Cliff.
And why didn't you
clean the mess up?
Honey, I... I'm sorry.
I want you to clean the mess up!
You people come in here and
you eat, and I just finished cleaning,
and then you come behind...
Never mind. I'll get it myself.
No, no, no, Cliff.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
I don't understand why you can't
clean this mess up after you finish eating.
And look at this! Look at this!
I just dusted in here! I
just dusted and cleaned.
And now look at the floor!
I'm gonna have to vacuum!
I'm sorry, Cliff. I'll vacuum.
No, you're not sorry! You
don't care about the way I look!
- You don't care!
- Honey, please!
Look at you!
Never mind!
Sweetheart, come on now.
No, no, no. Honey...
Just relax now. Come on.
[doorbell rings]
[ring]
I'll get it!
I'll get it!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- How are you?
- I'm fine!
- And Dad!
- Hi, honey. How are you?
- Good!
- Where's Elvin?
Oh, he's on his way.
Hello, Elvin.
- Hello!
- Hi!
Martin!
I don't know why they make
those car seats so low to the ground.
Must have been
made by women. Hi.
Have a seat.
Yeah, I'll do my best.
I gained another eight pounds.
Oh. You still look gorgeous.
I do not.
Well, I stopped having
morning sickness.
Now I'm having afternoon
sickness and night sickness.
I'm sick at dusk.
You men! You're gonna
drop them any minute.
Martin, are you sure
it's only eight pounds?
It looks like you
might be having twins.
[gasps]
Well, if anyone could give
him twins, it would be me.
[laughs]
Check it out. I didn't
do too badly myself.
Oh, I can't wait to get
started on the next one.
And look at his face, how
it's filling out. Isn't he cute?
Ladies, shall we make
our husbands some tea?
Good idea.
Nothing for me, thanks. I
can't keep anything down.
[laughs]
We'll be in the
kitchen if you need us.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, Theo.
Hi, Theo.
Hi, everybody. Dad.
- Hey, Dad.
- Son.
And how are you doing?
I'm doing as well as I can.
It's not easy to deal with the
idea of being an unwed father.
I mean, I can't believe she
just got on the bus and left town.
She told me she loved me.
But I guess she was
only after one thing.
That's what you get for giving
it up without a wedding ring.
Well, I know what will
get your mind off your
troubles. It always
helps me: basketball.
Hey! Yeah!
The Celtics are playing
the Lakers. Turn it on.
[crowd cheering on TV]
All right! There you go!
My man Magic Johnson
drivin' down the court.
He's moving so slowly.
The man's eight months
pregnant. What do you expect?
Please turn this off.
This is very depressing.
[turns TV off]
Guys, let me ask you something.
I mean, have any of you thought about what
it's going to be like when we give birth?
I mean, you know, the pain?
Well, Dad, you've seen a
lot of births. What's it like?
There's gonna be pain.
A lot of pain.
Gentlemen, I don't like
to hear this kind of talk.
We're men. We handle pain
better than women, right?
I'm... I'm sensing some
hesitation here, and I don't like it!
Look...
I am a proud member of
this country's military service.
We do more before 6 A.M.
than most people do all day.
We're tough. We can take it.
So when I say that
men can take pain better,
by God, I expect
you to agree, right?
[All] Right.
Ooh!
But what if it's harder for us?
I mean, we'll never
hear the end of it.
We'll make a pact.
No matter how bad the
pain gets, we won't let on.
[All] Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah! Yeah, yeah.
All right. All for one...
and one for all...
and three for five!
[All] All right!
I don't know why
I'm coming out here.
I have to go right back
in there in a minute.
I'm gonna have to spend the
rest of my life in that bathroom.
[groans]
Dear, I tell you, I don't
know what's wrong with me.
But I just think I'm too
old! I'm simply too old.
I'm too old to have a baby.
[laughs]
[groans]
Cliff, are you all right?
Oh, it's... contraction.
Okay, let's go. We're
going to the hospital.
But, Cliff, that's just your
first contraction, honey.
The next one might
not come for 30 minutes.
You have to wait till
they're five minutes apart.
Don't tell me what
to do with my body.
Now, I'm going. Let's go.
Cliff, we have to time these things
when they're five minutes apart.
You know how this goes.
Look, I'm telling
you this is my body!
Now, get the car ready!
Saddle up, Roy.
We're outta here.
All right, I'll tell you
what, let's get your bag,
and we'll put it
down by the door,
and then when the contractions
are five minutes apart, then we'll go.
Look, when was the last time?
What was my contraction time?
How long ago?
I don't know. I
guess about a minute.
What do you mean,
you don't know!
That's the only job you have
is to time the contractions.
You can't do a simple job?
I'm having the baby,
and you can't remember
what the time was from
the time I said, "Oh."
That's your job!
It's just a very simple job.
You don't have anything else to
do except time the contractions,
and you can't remember the time!
All you know is you want
to get in the car and go.
Well, go!
And I'll tell you
something else.
That's the last time you
and I get in this bed together.
♪♪ [music playing
on tape machine]
[turns music off]
[groans]
Good exercise. Good exercise.
I thought I'd seen it all.
1939 World's Fair,
combat in Sicily,
Elvis on the Ed Sullivan Show...
And last week, I swear I saw
Elvis alive at the Paramus mall.
But I've never seen
men giving birth.
Remarkable.
Grandpa, how did you
manage to avoid this?
Well, didn't you hear the
news bulletin this morning?
It said when the
volcano erupted,
the spores didn't get to the
water supply in New Jersey.
You know, I'm curious.
You planning to breast feed?
Oh!
Contraction!
[groaning]
Oh! Elvin! Was that you?
[all talking]
Oh!
Martin, honey? A contraction?
Yes!
[Men yelling]
But... but... I'm
ready for more!
All for one...
[Men] All for one...
one for all...
and three for five
You think we should
pull the cars around front?
Yes, get the cars. You men will
be all right till we get them, right?
- Yeah.
- We'll be right back.
Oh, boy!
[all groaning]
Aw. Russell, go get our car.
We'll take the unwed one.
I'm not gonna make it!
[Cliff] Yes, you
are. Yes, you are.
I can't take it! This hurts!
Stop it. Take it.
I haven't even given birth yet!
Shut up! Shut up!
I hope Sondra's
wrong about the twins!
[All yelling]
I can't take it! Shut up!
Take it! Take it!
Shut up! Shut up!
What happened to all that military
man stuff you were talking a minute ago?
That was before I
had the contractions!
Shut up!
Hey! Hey, fellas, wait a minute!
I am beginning...
to sense some fear in this room!
Now... if things are
this bad right now,
we're probably thinking they're
going to be a lot worse, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Shut up!
Now, when I was on the
wrestling team in high school,
my coach would say to us,
"The toughest battle you
face is with your courage."
Then...
he looked each of us
in the eye and said...
"When the tough get
going, the tough get going!"
One for all...
[All] One for all...
all for one...
and three for five.
[All] Three for five.
Oh! Oh! Denise!
[All yelling]
George, put that cigar out.
You are about to have a baby.
Honey, come on. Give me
a break. I wasn't inhaling.
Give me that!
Dr. Strauss.
Dr. Huxtable.
All the Huxtables.
I, uh, I see you came
to make a delivery.
Any men deliver yet?
Yes. Your neighbor, Jeffrey Engels,
gave birth just a couple of minutes ago.
Well, let's burn rubber.
- Jeffrey!
- Cliff! Clair!
We heard you just delivered.
Yes, I did.
[Theo] How was it?
Theo, I can only
say it was a miracle.
To think that my body
could bring forth a
little tiny creature
that exists on its own.
I'm filled with such wonder.
And they laid it on my
chest for me to hold.
It had such a sweet,
angelic, little face.
It put my whole
life into perspective.
Mr. Engels, when you gave
birth, what did it feel like?
What did it feel like?
Didn't you hear me
screaming in there?
It was the worst pain
I've ever felt in my life.
I didn't know that pain
like that could exist.
The horror!
I don't understand how
Mother Nature could allow
such terrible suffering to
happen to a human being.
I mean, when I
was nine years old,
I fell out of my tree house
20 feet onto our stone patio
and then the tree
house fell on top of me.
But that was just
nothing compared to this.
Excruciating, searing, grueling,
unbearable, piercing pain!
And when I think of where
that baby came out of... Oh!
[Men screaming]
Oh! Oh!
Ahh!
[groaning]
Oh! Oh!
[breathing and yelling]
Cliff, breathe.
Cliff, honey, breathe.
Breathe, Cliff. Brea...
- Breathe!
- [crying]
Yeah, sweetie.
Yes. Yes. Breathe.
- [crying]
- Breathe.
Knock me out! Knock me out!
Knock me out! Oh!
Oh! Oh, it's coming!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Push! Push!
I am pushing! Oh,
it's big! Oh! Oh!
Whoa!
Where did this come from?
Oh! Look, honey!
A sloop with full mast.
[Theo] Take it out!
Take it out! Oh! Take it out!
Take this thing out!
Ugghh! Ugghh! Ugghh!
It's out!
Whoo!
A sport's car.
Oh. Oh, just... just
what I always wanted.
[Nurse] Doctor, we're
having a problem here.
No, no, Cliff. You're
tensing, honey.
You're tensing. I
want you to breathe.
Come on, inhale and push!
Push! And push!
Push, Cliff! I've got it!
Yeeeeaaaaa!
Oh, Cliff! Oh, honey!
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Ugghhh!
Yeah!
Oh, Cliff!
Oh, honey.
Clair?
- Clair. Clair.
- Hmm?
- Oh, Clair.
- Hmm?
I love you so much.
And... and I love women.
I think women are the
most wonderful people
on the face of this earth.
♪♪ [theme]
[Announcer] The Cosby Show
is taped before a studio audience.
Subtitled By J.R. Media
Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
This is the best elevator
music I've ever heard.
[moaning]
[moaning continues]
♪♪ [classical
music on television]
[Man on TV] We interrupt our regular
programming for a special news report.
Here is NBC News
correspondent John Palmer.
[John Palmer] This morning, three
more pregnant men have been sighted.
The men, each of whom
is in his ninth month,
were discovered in
Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.
This brings the total
number of pregnant men
in the United States to
well over 1 1,300,000.
As we reported earlier,
this phenomenon has been traced
to the eruption of a volcano in Peru.
Scientists say spores from the volcano
have altered the world's water supply,
enabling men to become pregnant.
As yet, no man has given birth,
but millions are due at any moment.
The nation's hospitals are standing at
the ready in a state of total confusion.
Wait. This just in.
Another pregnant man has been spotted
at a car dealership in Marietta, Ohio.
Stay tuned for further updates.
Cliff! Honey!
Honey! Get down, honey!
They just found four more!
[Cliff] All right!
Honey, can you believe it? They
found four more pregnant men.
I feel sorry for them.
I feel sorry for myself.
Please, please,
please. Don't even...
Don't touch me, please.
Honey, would you like a pillow?
Please.
Can you scoot?
Can you... can you...
Yeah. Just... just that...
Be careful, honey.
Now, is that better?
I gotta put 'em up.
Yes, let's put 'em
up here on the table.
They're not bending well.
Aw!
Uhh! Oh!
Now, how's that?
That's much better.
Where'd that mess come from?
Who ate down here?
I did, Cliff.
And why didn't you
clean the mess up?
Honey, I... I'm sorry.
I want you to clean the mess up!
You people come in here and
you eat, and I just finished cleaning,
and then you come behind...
Never mind. I'll get it myself.
No, no, no, Cliff.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
I don't understand why you can't
clean this mess up after you finish eating.
And look at this! Look at this!
I just dusted in here! I
just dusted and cleaned.
And now look at the floor!
I'm gonna have to vacuum!
I'm sorry, Cliff. I'll vacuum.
No, you're not sorry! You
don't care about the way I look!
- You don't care!
- Honey, please!
Look at you!
Never mind!
Sweetheart, come on now.
No, no, no. Honey...
Just relax now. Come on.
[doorbell rings]
[ring]
I'll get it!
I'll get it!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- How are you?
- I'm fine!
- And Dad!
- Hi, honey. How are you?
- Good!
- Where's Elvin?
Oh, he's on his way.
Hello, Elvin.
- Hello!
- Hi!
Martin!
I don't know why they make
those car seats so low to the ground.
Must have been
made by women. Hi.
Have a seat.
Yeah, I'll do my best.
I gained another eight pounds.
Oh. You still look gorgeous.
I do not.
Well, I stopped having
morning sickness.
Now I'm having afternoon
sickness and night sickness.
I'm sick at dusk.
You men! You're gonna
drop them any minute.
Martin, are you sure
it's only eight pounds?
It looks like you
might be having twins.
[gasps]
Well, if anyone could give
him twins, it would be me.
[laughs]
Check it out. I didn't
do too badly myself.
Oh, I can't wait to get
started on the next one.
And look at his face, how
it's filling out. Isn't he cute?
Ladies, shall we make
our husbands some tea?
Good idea.
Nothing for me, thanks. I
can't keep anything down.
[laughs]
We'll be in the
kitchen if you need us.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, Theo.
Hi, Theo.
Hi, everybody. Dad.
- Hey, Dad.
- Son.
And how are you doing?
I'm doing as well as I can.
It's not easy to deal with the
idea of being an unwed father.
I mean, I can't believe she
just got on the bus and left town.
She told me she loved me.
But I guess she was
only after one thing.
That's what you get for giving
it up without a wedding ring.
Well, I know what will
get your mind off your
troubles. It always
helps me: basketball.
Hey! Yeah!
The Celtics are playing
the Lakers. Turn it on.
[crowd cheering on TV]
All right! There you go!
My man Magic Johnson
drivin' down the court.
He's moving so slowly.
The man's eight months
pregnant. What do you expect?
Please turn this off.
This is very depressing.
[turns TV off]
Guys, let me ask you something.
I mean, have any of you thought about what
it's going to be like when we give birth?
I mean, you know, the pain?
Well, Dad, you've seen a
lot of births. What's it like?
There's gonna be pain.
A lot of pain.
Gentlemen, I don't like
to hear this kind of talk.
We're men. We handle pain
better than women, right?
I'm... I'm sensing some
hesitation here, and I don't like it!
Look...
I am a proud member of
this country's military service.
We do more before 6 A.M.
than most people do all day.
We're tough. We can take it.
So when I say that
men can take pain better,
by God, I expect
you to agree, right?
[All] Right.
Ooh!
But what if it's harder for us?
I mean, we'll never
hear the end of it.
We'll make a pact.
No matter how bad the
pain gets, we won't let on.
[All] Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah! Yeah, yeah.
All right. All for one...
and one for all...
and three for five!
[All] All right!
I don't know why
I'm coming out here.
I have to go right back
in there in a minute.
I'm gonna have to spend the
rest of my life in that bathroom.
[groans]
Dear, I tell you, I don't
know what's wrong with me.
But I just think I'm too
old! I'm simply too old.
I'm too old to have a baby.
[laughs]
[groans]
Cliff, are you all right?
Oh, it's... contraction.
Okay, let's go. We're
going to the hospital.
But, Cliff, that's just your
first contraction, honey.
The next one might
not come for 30 minutes.
You have to wait till
they're five minutes apart.
Don't tell me what
to do with my body.
Now, I'm going. Let's go.
Cliff, we have to time these things
when they're five minutes apart.
You know how this goes.
Look, I'm telling
you this is my body!
Now, get the car ready!
Saddle up, Roy.
We're outta here.
All right, I'll tell you
what, let's get your bag,
and we'll put it
down by the door,
and then when the contractions
are five minutes apart, then we'll go.
Look, when was the last time?
What was my contraction time?
How long ago?
I don't know. I
guess about a minute.
What do you mean,
you don't know!
That's the only job you have
is to time the contractions.
You can't do a simple job?
I'm having the baby,
and you can't remember
what the time was from
the time I said, "Oh."
That's your job!
It's just a very simple job.
You don't have anything else to
do except time the contractions,
and you can't remember the time!
All you know is you want
to get in the car and go.
Well, go!
And I'll tell you
something else.
That's the last time you
and I get in this bed together.
♪♪ [music playing
on tape machine]
[turns music off]
[groans]
Good exercise. Good exercise.
I thought I'd seen it all.
1939 World's Fair,
combat in Sicily,
Elvis on the Ed Sullivan Show...
And last week, I swear I saw
Elvis alive at the Paramus mall.
But I've never seen
men giving birth.
Remarkable.
Grandpa, how did you
manage to avoid this?
Well, didn't you hear the
news bulletin this morning?
It said when the
volcano erupted,
the spores didn't get to the
water supply in New Jersey.
You know, I'm curious.
You planning to breast feed?
Oh!
Contraction!
[groaning]
Oh! Elvin! Was that you?
[all talking]
Oh!
Martin, honey? A contraction?
Yes!
[Men yelling]
But... but... I'm
ready for more!
All for one...
[Men] All for one...
one for all...
and three for five
You think we should
pull the cars around front?
Yes, get the cars. You men will
be all right till we get them, right?
- Yeah.
- We'll be right back.
Oh, boy!
[all groaning]
Aw. Russell, go get our car.
We'll take the unwed one.
I'm not gonna make it!
[Cliff] Yes, you
are. Yes, you are.
I can't take it! This hurts!
Stop it. Take it.
I haven't even given birth yet!
Shut up! Shut up!
I hope Sondra's
wrong about the twins!
[All yelling]
I can't take it! Shut up!
Take it! Take it!
Shut up! Shut up!
What happened to all that military
man stuff you were talking a minute ago?
That was before I
had the contractions!
Shut up!
Hey! Hey, fellas, wait a minute!
I am beginning...
to sense some fear in this room!
Now... if things are
this bad right now,
we're probably thinking they're
going to be a lot worse, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Shut up!
Now, when I was on the
wrestling team in high school,
my coach would say to us,
"The toughest battle you
face is with your courage."
Then...
he looked each of us
in the eye and said...
"When the tough get
going, the tough get going!"
One for all...
[All] One for all...
all for one...
and three for five.
[All] Three for five.
Oh! Oh! Denise!
[All yelling]
George, put that cigar out.
You are about to have a baby.
Honey, come on. Give me
a break. I wasn't inhaling.
Give me that!
Dr. Strauss.
Dr. Huxtable.
All the Huxtables.
I, uh, I see you came
to make a delivery.
Any men deliver yet?
Yes. Your neighbor, Jeffrey Engels,
gave birth just a couple of minutes ago.
Well, let's burn rubber.
- Jeffrey!
- Cliff! Clair!
We heard you just delivered.
Yes, I did.
[Theo] How was it?
Theo, I can only
say it was a miracle.
To think that my body
could bring forth a
little tiny creature
that exists on its own.
I'm filled with such wonder.
And they laid it on my
chest for me to hold.
It had such a sweet,
angelic, little face.
It put my whole
life into perspective.
Mr. Engels, when you gave
birth, what did it feel like?
What did it feel like?
Didn't you hear me
screaming in there?
It was the worst pain
I've ever felt in my life.
I didn't know that pain
like that could exist.
The horror!
I don't understand how
Mother Nature could allow
such terrible suffering to
happen to a human being.
I mean, when I
was nine years old,
I fell out of my tree house
20 feet onto our stone patio
and then the tree
house fell on top of me.
But that was just
nothing compared to this.
Excruciating, searing, grueling,
unbearable, piercing pain!
And when I think of where
that baby came out of... Oh!
[Men screaming]
Oh! Oh!
Ahh!
[groaning]
Oh! Oh!
[breathing and yelling]
Cliff, breathe.
Cliff, honey, breathe.
Breathe, Cliff. Brea...
- Breathe!
- [crying]
Yeah, sweetie.
Yes. Yes. Breathe.
- [crying]
- Breathe.
Knock me out! Knock me out!
Knock me out! Oh!
Oh! Oh, it's coming!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Push! Push!
I am pushing! Oh,
it's big! Oh! Oh!
Whoa!
Where did this come from?
Oh! Look, honey!
A sloop with full mast.
[Theo] Take it out!
Take it out! Oh! Take it out!
Take this thing out!
Ugghh! Ugghh! Ugghh!
It's out!
Whoo!
A sport's car.
Oh. Oh, just... just
what I always wanted.
[Nurse] Doctor, we're
having a problem here.
No, no, Cliff. You're
tensing, honey.
You're tensing. I
want you to breathe.
Come on, inhale and push!
Push! And push!
Push, Cliff! I've got it!
Yeeeeaaaaa!
Oh, Cliff! Oh, honey!
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Ugghhh!
Yeah!
Oh, Cliff!
Oh, honey.
Clair?
- Clair. Clair.
- Hmm?
- Oh, Clair.
- Hmm?
I love you so much.
And... and I love women.
I think women are the
most wonderful people
on the face of this earth.
♪♪ [theme]
[Announcer] The Cosby Show
is taped before a studio audience.
Subtitled By J.R. Media
Services, Inc. Burbank, CA