The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 6, Episode 7 - Shall We Dance? - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

This is the best elevator
music I've ever heard.

Hey.

Hi. How was your day?

Terrible. Really?

The opposing attorney's
getting a divorce.

I must remind the
man of his wife,

because he looked at me
in front of the judge and said,

"What do you know
about anything?

You should be home taking care
of your husband and your children."

At which point I politely turned to
him, offered him my card, and said,



"Please give this to your wife. I'd
love to represent her in your divorce.

For free."

Tell me again what he said.

He said, what do you
know about anything?

What is his name?

No, because I will
go over and talk...

No, I'm serious. Now let me
tell you about my day, dear.

- Darling, let's talk about that later.
- Hmm?

I've had a terrible day.

Well, I listened to you
talk about your day.

Why can't you listen to mine?

You asked me about my day. I
did not ask you... about yours.

Days like this, I feel like getting
out of the legal profession,

and I come home and see these
bills... I know why I'm working.



What bills? Or am I
not allowed to talk?

I'm sorry. Of
course you can talk.

Come on, and we can
look at these bills together.

The first one is from
Jake's Appliances.

Is there anything I should
know about this, Cliff?

[chuckles] No. I don't think so.

Yes, I... I don't think
so. No, no. Look.

As a matter of fact, I was
thinking, since you're so depressed,

why don't I take you
for a nice, long ride?

You are the cutest thing!

Thank you, my darling.

And I'm looking at this
bill, because I know you.

You go into Jake's
and get uncontrolla...

Stop.

Total purchases for
the month: $2.69?

That's right. And the $2.69,

I spent on batteries
for your calculator.

And I think you should
apologize with a kiss.

Well, I'll kiss you,
but it's not an apology.

I just like having
my lips on your face.

Mm, I love that.

Mom, Dad, I'm glad
you're both home.

Why is it that every time I
kiss my wife, a child pops up?

[laughs]

How was your day
at school today, Rudy?

Why are you asking her about the
day, and you didn't ask about mine?

Cliff, please. Let
the child speak.

- School was fine.
- Good.

Listen, there's something
I saw I want you to get me.

Yeah, well why is that that it's always
"something I want you to get me"?

Why can't you ever say, "Mom,
Dad, I want to buy you something"?

Why would I say that?

You and Mom already
have everything.

If I had what you have, I
wouldn't have to ask for it.

Yes. And you know what
we have that you don't have?

Jobs.

Rudy, what is it that you want?

I was at the mall, and
there it was in the window.

The most beautiful
sweater you've ever seen.

You take one look at it,
and say, "This is to die for."

Now, didn't I take you to the mall
last month and buy you new sweaters?

Yeah. But you
didn't buy this one.

This one is to die for.

I think I know why Rudy
wants to buy a new sweater.

I was walking Rudy home
from school the other day,

and we bumped into this
10-year-old boy named Clarence.

- [Cliff] No! No!
- Vanessa!

Mom, Dad, she was so
flustered she could hardly talk!

- [Cliff] Really?
- Vanessa, stop teasing your sister.

I'm not! I think it's great!
I'm all for Rudy being in love.

- [laughs]
- I'm not in love with Clarence!

Dad, she has "Clarence" written
all over her history notebooks.

Oh, no. No, no! Vanessa.

We're studying somebody by
the name of Clarence in history.

Who are you studying?
King Clarence?

Clarence the Great?
Clarence the Hun?

[laughs] Shut up!

I think it's Clarence
the Wonderful. [sighs]

I told you I go to work to pay
bills. That's only half the story.

I also go to get away from that.

Do you know, I had this
demanding patient today...

Oh, baby, please.
Not now. Later, okay?

I had a real hard day, and it's
time for me to prepare dinner now.

Perhaps you'd like
to hear my story.

Since the beginning of time,
everybody in the whole world

has hard to learn how to
get along with one another.

To be congenial in different
situations. Isn't that right?

- Right.
- I'll bet even 10,000 years ago,

prehistoric men
used some form of,

oh, table manners, for instance?

So, I... Wake up, Kenneth.

So I thought it would be
fun for us to study manners

the way they are today.

And our first lesson will be
good manners at the dinner table.

As you can see now,
I've set up the dinner table,

and I want some
volunteers now to come up

and demonstrate
good table manners.

Good, good. Good, good.

Now what about
some male volunteers?

No male volunteers? All
right, have it your own way.

Would you be good enough to
oblige us, Kenny, and follow me?

Come up here...
But I didn't volunteer!

Yes, I know.
You've been drafted.

Congratulations, Kenneth.
Come up here and sit at the table.

Now, I need two young
ladies... Rudy and Amy.

And I need one more gentleman.

- I'll do it.
- Clarence, that's very good of you.

Come along. Come along.

You sit over there next to
Rudy, and we're going to start

to learn how to pass
bread at the dinner table.

Now, Amy, you ask
Kenneth for the bread.

Kenny, may I have
some bread, please?

Yes, you may.

Kenneth, you don't
take the bread first, dear.

Hey, have you ever seen her eat?

If I don't take it
now, I'll never get it.

Now, Rudy and Clarence, I'd
like to see you do the same thing.

Clarence? Yes, Rudy?

May I please have the bread?

Yes, you may.

Thank you, Clarence.

Would you like some
butter for your bread?

No, thank you, Clarence. [sighs]

Well, that is
just exactly right.

Class, did you see this? I mean,
I want you to do it exactly the w...

[laughs] the way Rudy
and Clarence did it.

[school bell rings]
Class dismissed!

Oh, and children. Tomorrow,
we're going to explore

another form of communication where
good manners are absolutely essential:

the telephone.

And, uh, Kenneth:
we'll start with you.

Aww.

"Very nice, class. You should all do
it the way Rudy and Clarence do it."

You know, Clarence?
I think you like Rudy.

What are you talking
about? No, I don't.

Yeah, right.

You know, we saw you jump
right into the seat next to her.

I don't like Rudy. Sure,
tell us some other lies.

[making kissing sounds]

Right. Excuse me, Clarence.

- May I please get through?
- Hey, I'm standing here.

And if you want to get through,
climb over the desk, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

But you're in my way.
Tough. I was here first.

Goober-brain. Just stay there!

Frog face!

Barf head! Lime tick!

All right, Clarence. "Lime
tick." You leveled her!

Back in the club, my man.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey!

[Girls] Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Well, it's Rudy
and the Chiffons.

Dr. Huxtable, who
are the Chiffons?

Well, the Chiffons, a long, long
time ago was a singing group, and...

Mrs. Huxtable and I would
be sitting in a car and, uh...

[laughs] they'd
start to sing, and...

We'd start to kiss.

If a boy tried to kiss me,
I'd throw him out the car.

Yeah, boys should stay in
cages where they belong.

Yeah! Most of the
time, they're hog heads.

- Yeah.
- Well, now, wait a minute.

It sounds like you all are having
some problems with the boys.

Don't make me talk about it,
Dad. I'll get sick to my stomach.

But you know what? There's a
certain guy by the name of Clarence...

Clarence? [vomits]

He's just like all
the other boys.

Yeah. They walk around
like they own the world.

I'll show you how
they walk, Dr. Huxtable.

You got it!

- [Cliff laughs]
- [Rudy] Too slow, bro. Here we go.

Put your lips to my heel, Slick.

What's happening? What's
happening? What's happening?

"Wazz 'appening,
wazz 'appening..."

Hey, Dad. Back
from the mall. Hello.

Dr. Huxtable, guess what?

- What?
- I bought you a present.

- Guess what?
- What?

Give it to me.

There you go.

It's a pen that has a
ship that floats in it.

It's a battleship! I know.

Just like the one
my daddy sails on.

Yes! Well, thank you so...

So much, because
I was just saying,

to my children, how nobody
ever gives me anything.

And look, you give this to me.

This is the most beautiful
pen I've ever seen.

Me, too. Can I keep it?

Olivia, sweetie, you don't
give someone a present

and then ask for it back.

- [crying]
- [Denise] Look, he's crying.

I know, but he
has a lot of pens.

Ah, take your
little stinkin' pen.

I'm going to go upstairs and
draw you a thank you note.

Thank you. Bye!

[chuckles] Dad?

Uh-huh? You're a good sport.

I think I'll go draw you
a thank you note, too.

- Hi, Denise.
- Well, there's Martha and the Vandellas

going downtown, or somewhere.

- Where are you all going?
- Oh, Kim's mom's taking us to the mall.

Oh, what's
happening at the mall?

That's where Clarence
and all the other boys are.

Well, wait. Four people
who look like you all

just walked through
here saying, "Blech!

This is the way they
walk." And now you're going

to the mall where they are?

Right. That's why we're going.

Clarence and the boys hang
out at Circus Burger at the mall.

And we're going to sit at
the table right next to them.

And ignore them.

Well, wait. Wait,
wait. Now, you're going

over there and sit
down next to them,

and when they look at you,

you're going to ignore them?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- Well, what if they don't look at you?
- [in unison] They will!

Now, today we're going to learn
how to speak on the telephone.

With intelligence, responsibility,
and above all, good manners.

Kenny? Remember, we're
starting with you. Come along.

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Now, sit down at the table.

Attaboy. Are you ready?

What are we doing?

I'm going to call you
up on the telephone.

Now, if you'll notice, there's
a pad and pencil there.

You can take messages.
Are you ready?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Ring, ring.

Ring, ring!

[shouting] Ring, ring!

Kenneth, I want you to pick up the
phone when you hear me say, "Ring, ring!"

- Okay?
- Right. Okay. Yes, ma'am.

- Ring, ring.
- Hello?

That's very good.

Hello, Kenneth. This is Mrs.
McGee. Is your father at home?

- I'm afraid he's not here right now.
- Oh, that's too bad.

Will you ask him to call
Mrs. McGee at the school?

I will be in between
2:30 and 5:30.

My number is KL5-8621.

- Okay, bye.
- Good-bye.

- Where are you going?
- Did I do something wrong?

Kenneth, I you left a message.
You didn't write the message down.

I can't. If my father
found out that you called,

I'd be in big trouble.

- [school bell rings]
- Class dismissed.

Clarence, don't forget to stay
after and clean the blackboard.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, and children.

Tomorrow is our last of the
series of the good manners classes.

And guess what? We're
going to have a dance.

- [Boys groan]
- [Girl] Yes!

I want the girls to
wear pretty dresses,

and I want the boys to
wear jackets and ties.

[more groaning]

All right, then the girls
can wear jackets and ties,

and the boys can
wear pretty dresses.

Can you believe it? We have to
dance with those clucks tomorrow.

Let's pretend we're
sick, and stay home.

I have a better idea. Let's do
what we did at the mall: ignore them.

Yeah! That really worked.

Let's go over and
do it right now.

Yeah.

Look. It's the dirtballs.

- Hey, you crack me up!
- I know.

- Let's go play some basketball.
- I've got to stay after to do the boards.

Okay, bye. See ya, Clarence.

See ya, Kenny.

- I forgot my history book.
- So?

So I'm going to get it.

Don't expect me to
dance with you tomorrow.

Fine. Dance with yourself.

- That's not funny!
- It wasn't meant to be funny.

- Move!
- Make me.

- Get out of my way.
- Okay.

Whoops. Pick those up!

Make me. Maybe I will.

Ow. Ow!

What in the world... Children!

- Stop it!
- He shoved me!

She punched me! Be quiet!

I don't want to hear another
word out of either one of you.

If you like to be so close together, you
can be partners at the dance tomorrow.

Pick up these books,
Rudy, and go home.

Clarence, finish cleaning
the blackboard, and go home.

And I'll take my
notebook. And go home.

And sit in a hot tub.
And reexamine my life.

What's happenin', homegirl?

I said, what's
happening, homegirl?

Hi.

Oh. That's nice.

Came here to do
a little housework.

Cleaning the table with your feet
so when I put my sandwich down,

it can smell like
old, dirty socks.

[chuckling]

Okay, well, we're depressed.

So, we'll just sit here
and be depressed.

Daddy, it's not funny.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
You want to talk about it?

Okay. There's this boy
in my class, Clarence.

Clarence! Yes, yes, yes.

I hate him! Oh, no.

Okay, now why do you hate him?

He pushed my books on
the floor, and shoved me.

- Why do boys act like that?
- [sighs] Oh, okay. Well, look.

You're ten years old.

And ten-year-old kids...

The girls, they're
like capsules.

And the capsules are exploding.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And the boys,
they're like capsules,

but their capsules
are still soaking.

Dad, you're making
no sense whatsoever.

Okay, try this. Think
of, um, geraniums.

Girl geraniums
open earlier than...

The boys don't... don't open

till sometime one night.

What in the world does this
have to do with Clarence?

Clarence is a
boy, not a capsule.

I am a girl, not a geranium.

You should be better at this.

You've gone through
three daughters before me.

- Okay. Let me try this on you.
- Dad.

That's okay. I'll just go upstairs and
see what I can find in the encyclopedia.

- Hey, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy.
- Denise, we have to talk later.

Okay. What was that all about?

Well, your sisters having
problems with the ten-year-old boys,

and I was trying
to explain it to her.

Oh, Lord. You didn't go rambling on
about geraniums and capsules, did you?

No, I was not rambling,

and I think it's a very good way
to tell that particular part of life.

I mean, it worked on you.

Yes, and I was confused
until I went to go see Mom.

[laughs] Oh, come on.

- Yes.
- You never said anything like that.

This is different,
though, because this boy,

first of all, he shoved her,
threw her books on the floor.

Oh, my, Dad! This
happens to all girls!

You see this scar?

David Boatman did that, okay?

When I was in the 5th
grade. Pushed me into a tree.

And you see this? You
see this, right there?

Todd Chaney, okay? He hit me
with a bat and made me eat dust.

- Why didn't you say something?
- [chuckles] Because.

We were afraid you were
going to go after them.

Of course I am. That's
some sick business,

pushing people, hitting
them with baseball bats.

- Why didn't you say something?
- [laughing]

Yeah, well you're sick,
too. You don't say anything.

That's sick, going around
shoving, nobody says anything.

How... Is that boy still here?

- Hi, Olivia.
- Hi, Rudy.

You look gorgeous.

- You think so?
- Yes! Clarence is going to go wild.

- Who told you about Clarence?
- Everybody knows about Clarence.

Well, I don't like him.

I'm not going to
dance with him today.

- I just want you to know that.
- Okay.

- Do you really think I look gorgeous?
- Yes!

I was thinking of wearing
a pink outfit instead.

No, just go with
that. It's to die for.

Thanks, Olivia.

Good. Now. We
have a dance floor,

and we have a punch bowl,
and we're going to have music...

And presto! This
is a social occasion.

And what do young
ladies and gentlemen do

at a social occasion?
They mingle.

And what do we mean, "mingle"?

Mingle means to stroll
about, and say "How are you?"

And "Just fine, thank
you." And "See you later"...

You understand?
Now everybody mingle.

[chattering]

Children, don't you think
it would be interesting

if the boys would
mingle with the girls?

All right, we'll skip mingling,
and go right to the music.

Now. Uh, Rudy and Clarence,
you're going to start the dance first.

All right?

If he tries anything,
we'll be right behind you.

If she plays rough,
step on her toes.

Right. Got you.

S ♪ Someday hell come along ♪

Do you think you could
dance a little closer?

S ♪ And he’ll be
big and strong ♪

♪ The man I love ♪

Would you like to pretend that
you're enjoying yourself, children?

Rudy, a little smile? Good girl.

And Clarence, what
about you? A smile?

All right now, everybody
choose your partners,

and join Clarence and Rudy.

Choose your partners,
and everybody dance.

Ah, that's lovely.

- Mrs. McGee?
- Yes, Kenny. What is it?

- I can't dance.
- What do you mean, you can't dance?

- What's the matter?
- All the girls are taken.

♪ S ♪
Won’t say a word

No, Kenny. Not all of them.

S ♪ I’m sure to
meet him one day ♪

♪ Maybe Tuesday will be... ♪

♪ Will be my good news day ♪

s ♪ Hell build a little home ♪

[laughing] You are...

♪♪ [theme]

[Announcer] The Cosby Show
was taped before a studio audience.

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