The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 6, Episode 23 - Off to See the Wretched - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

This is the best elevator
music I've ever heard.

[slide whistle on TV]

[Announcer] Wow!

Just listen to those laughs.

Would you like to make
people laugh like that?

Wouldn't it be great to be
the funniest kid on your block?

You can be by calling 555-JOKE,

for the most hilarious
jokes you've ever heard.

[whistles]

That's for me.



[Girl on TV] I dialed 555-JOKE,

and I'm the life of the party.

[Announcer] Jokes that
are guaranteed to make

your family and
friends roll in the aisle.

So, call 555-JOKE.

Where's joke?

That's 555-5653.

555-5653.

Only 95 cents a minute.

And remember, get
your parents' permission.

Dr. Huxtable, are you
ready to roll in the aisle?

Pardon me?

Can I ask your permission
to tell you a joke?

Oh, yes, yes, sure, sure.



Okay.

Hit it.

Was that the joke?

Got it.

♪♪ [cartoon music on TV]

Got it.

Okay, hit it. Let's hear it.

Okay, a man walks
into a restaurant

with a pigeon on his head,

and the waiter says,

"What do you feed that thing?"

And?

- Get it?
- Get it?

Yes.

You're supposed
to tell the whole joke.

All you told me
was the beginning.

- Oh, I did?
- Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

♪♪ [cartoon music continues]

Hi, I'm ready.

Okay, I got laugh
lines all over my face,

ready to explode.

- Two men are playing golf.
- Good.

- Two men are playing golf.
- Right.

One man says to the other,

"It doesn't work unless
you know how to putt."

It doesn't work unless
you know how to putt!

Yeah, it doesn't work
unless you know how to putt!

Why aren't you laughing?

You can't just give
somebody a punch line.

You've got to have
some part to the story.

You got to tell the story,

and then you tell
the punch line.

That's what makes
the person laugh.

Okay, I'll be right back.

[Cliff] Hey...

What... what are you doing?

I'm calling 5555-JOKE.

Yeah, but you're not
supposed to use the phone.

But you gave me permission.

I gave you permission
to tell me a joke.

I didn't give you
permission to use the phone.

Do you know how
much money it costs?

Yes. The man on TV
said, "95 cents a minute."

You had that phone
laying there all that time?

Yes!

That was about $5.00
of my money you spent.

Five dollars, and you
didn't even make me laugh!

Well, it wasn't my
fault you didn't get it.

[doorbell rings]
[Vanessa] I'll get it!

Hi, Vanessa!

Car's out front, Vanessa.
You ready to go?

Yeah.

Susan, you were so right. My
parents bought it completely.

Once I told them we're spending
the night at Susan's house,

they didn't even ask me
where the concert was.

You know, the same thing
happened to me. I told my parents

that after the concert, we were
going to stay at Susan's house.

They just assumed that the
concert was in New York City.

They have no idea that
we are going to Baltimore!

Oh, great plan, Susan.

This is the perfect weekend
for my parents to go away.

See, my grandma
sleeps in the guest room,

and she goes to bed at 9:30.

So as long as we're in before
6:00 a.m. when she wakes up,

we're fine!

Oh, I can't believe that we are
seeing The Wretched live on stage.

You know, I hear the lead singer,
Frankie X, wipes sweat from his body

and flings it into the audience!

[all squealing]

If only we could have
gotten front-row seats.

Hey, you know, we got to
go. We have a four-hour drive.

All right, all right.

Mom, the girls are
here. We're leaving!

Wait a minute. Before you leave, I
have something I want to say to you.

Whatever you do, be
cool. Don't blow this.

Okay.

Hi. [all] Hi!

Are you girls staying
at Susan's house?

Right. Susan, a month ago,

your mother loaned me this
book, and I finished reading it.

I really liked it. Would
you tell her that?

And tell her I'm
going to call her, too.

Okay. But I wouldn't
call her this weekend.

See, things are kind of
crazy around the house.

Monday would be much better.

All right. What time
are you coming home?

Uh, we're probably going to sleep late, so
I'll be home sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Have a nice time, honey.

Bye. [all] Bye!

Come on, let's get out of here before
someone else wants to say good-bye.

- Wretched, here we come!
- Yes!

♪ Do what you want,
take all you can ♪

♪ Take all your stuff
and take all you have ♪

♪ Breakin' all the rules ♪

♪ Rules are for fools ♪

♪ All your rules are for fools ♪

[squealing]

Doughnuts in
Wilmington, Delaware.

On our own! And is this not

the most incredible doughnut
shop you've ever been in?

Looks just like Whistler's
Doughnuts in Brooklyn.

- Aw!
- Oh, yeah.

But the doughnuts are
going to taste better here

because we're 120
miles away from home,

and we're eating
them as free women.

Free women!

All right, Cara, I have to know.

How did you get your
brother to lend us his car?

Well, I didn't actually get
him to lend it to me, see?

He goes away to college
and leaves it at home.

And he asked me to start it for
him every so often, so I started it.

I didn't tell him what I was going
to do with it once it was running.

Oh, yeah! Oh, Cara?

Can I borrow the keys to the
car? I have to freshen my makeup.

Janet, we are in a doughnut shop.
You don't have to look that good.

[laughs] Can I have
the keys, please?

Give her the keys.
This is ridiculous.

- Take the key.
- [all chattering]

Make sure you get
your nose, okay?

When we first started this
trip, I was a little worried.

- But this feels incredible!
- Doesn't it?

Being on my own,
doing what I want to do,

I mean, this is going to be the
most incredible night of our lives!

Uh, a night that
will last until sunup.

Sunup!

Where did we park the car?

[laughs] What do you mean,
where did we park the car?

Were you not with us
just two minutes ago,

when we all parked
the car together,

and walked in together?

It's against the wall
by the brown van.

I saw the brown van,
and I saw the wall,

but there's no car there.

Are you sure? No car.

How are we going to get home?
We are stuck in Wilmington.

I am in so much trouble.

I'd rather die. I can
hear my parents now.

"Why didn't you
think?" Oh, I feel awful!

My makeup was in that car!

You're whining
about your makeup?

My brother's
car... car... Is gone.

I don't believe you.

Your brother's car is insured.

Nobody's going to give me
money to buy back my makeup.

- I got to call the police.
- No, Cara. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You cannot call
the police. Why not?

Because if you call the police,
our parents are going to find out

that we reported a car stolen
from Wilmington, Delaware.

They're going to find
out that we're here.

She's right. Don't
call the police.

What am I supposed to do?

Wait a minute. A car
can get stolen anywhere.

When we get back to New
York, we'll call the police

and tell them it was taken
out of your garage at home.

And if they find it down here, they'll
think this is where the thieves left it.

- Come on, Cara!
- I don't know.

Cara? Cara, we do not have
room for doubters right now.

Don't let your
emotions get in the way.

We can take care of this
when we get back to New York.

Yeah!

When we get back to New
York, I'm reporting the car stolen.

Fine. Cara...

Cara, listen. Cars
come and cars go.

But honey, that Wretched
concert's in Baltimore.

What do you say?

- ♪ Breaking all the rules ♪
- You guys are unbelievable.

♪ Rules are for fools ♪

Take that and put it in the pot.

You put her right on
top of the pepper there.

Jumping on the pepper.

Dr. Huxtable? Hey,
how you doing?

- Want to hear a joke?
- Now, look.

I told you not to use the phone,
and you're wasting my money!

I didn't waste your money.
I made a joke up myself.

Oh, well, then, that's
comedy. All right. Fine.

Ready? Yeah. Go ahead.

A horse and a pig.
Horse and a pig.

That's a good setup. You
got a setup going. Yeah.

The horse jumped over
the pig... There you go.

And landed on its
tail, and the pig said,

"Did you do that for me?

I didn't know."

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

- Now, for my next joke...
- No, no, no.

I don't want to hear
any more jokes.

No, I would laugh
so hard, I would just...

- A pig and a cow.
- Pig and a cow.

The pig jumped over the cow,

and the cow said, "You
wouldn't do that if it was summer."

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

- For my next joke...
- No more! No more next joke.

Because these jokes are not
funny. I don't understand them.

And you're just telling
things and taking bows.

Now, that's it.

Good night. You've
been a beautiful audience.

Thank you. Now that's comedy.

Knowing when to get off.

[Rudy] Mom! Dad!

[Denise] Come in here, quick!

[sirens, chattering
on police radio]

[Woman on TV] As you can see,
a half a block behind our cameras,

a fire still rages out of control
at the Hazelton paint factory.

Toxic fumes from the fire are
threatening the nearby houses

on Wedgwood Avenue, and many
residents have already been evacuated.

Well, what is this? A fire.

It's a block from Susan's house.

See, that's her
house right there.

That's where Vanessa is.

They said something
about toxic fumes.

I'd better call over there.

[Woman] One firefighter
told me that, if the wind shifts,

the blaze could spread to
these homes just behind me.

- What if Vanessa's in there?
- [Denise] Shh-shh.

With me now is Mrs.
Beatrice Whitman,

who lives right here at
32 Wedgwood Avenue.

Hey! That's Susan's grandmother.

Mrs. Whitman, you live here with
your daughter and son-in-law, don't you?

[Beatrice] Yes, but they
went away for the weekend.

Now, Vanessa didn't say anything about
Susan's parents going away for the weekend.

[Reporter] So fortunately,
the house is empty now.

[Beatrice] Yes. My granddaughter and
her friends were supposed to come over,

but the firemen checked the
house and said nobody was in there.

[Reporter] That's
the story from here.

Only property
damage, no lives lost.

Well, now, Vanessa said that she and the
girls were going to stay at Susan's house

until the concert.

Why don't you call some
of the other parents?

- See if they're over there.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

And even if they haven't heard
from them, we could always find out

where the Wretched
concert is in the city,

and we could go
there and meet them.

Wretched, Mom? Did
you say The Wretched?

- Yeah, that's right.
- Well, they're not playing in New York.

They're not allowed to play
here. Last time they played here,

they caused so much
trouble, no one will book them.

Oh, look! There's Frankie
X on the TV right now!

He's from The Wretched!

[Man on TV] In other
entertainment news,

lead singer Frankie X said
at a news conference today

that he wanted to thank
the citizens of Baltimore

for letting The Wretched
play there tonight.

[continues]

Did he say that The Wretched
are in Baltimore tonight?

That's what he said.

Vanessa went all
the way to Baltimore.

Wow!

Wretched! Wretched!
Wretched! Wretched!

[cheering]

Wait a minute. Let's hold
hands so we don't get separated.

Isn't this fantastic?

Yeah, these
people are beautiful!

There is so much love here.

Yes!

I am so glad you convinced
me to come to this concert

rather than staying in Wilmington,
filling out that stupid police report.

Girls, we're going to be
a part of music history!

Yes! Excuse me.

Are you girls all
together? Yeah.

You need help
finding your seats?

Yeah. We're seated in section A,

but we don't know where it is,
because we've never been here before.

Really? You from out of town?

[Girls] Yeah.

New York. New York!

Aw, you must really
love The Wretched.

Oh, yes!

Hey. I gotta let you
in on something.

I'm going to take care of
you. See, I'm with the band.

You give me those tickets, and I'll
take you in through the special entrance.

Wow! Is this the same special
entrance The Wretched use?

The very one. Ohh!

I'll get you some
backstage passes.

Come on. Give me the tickets.

- There you go!
- These are righteous seats.

Oh, here, come on. Follow me.

Keep going! Wait! Hey!

Wait, wait, wait!

Not available in stores!

Excuse me. Some guy came up to
us and said he was with The Wretched,

and he told us he'd
show us to our seat.

Then he took our
tickets and ran off.

Was he wearing an
I.D. tag, like this one?

No. [groans]

They been trying to catch
up with that guy for months.

See, he goes up to people who look like,
you know, they don't know any better...

No offense... and he gets their
tickets, runs off and he sells them.

- It's wild, man.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- You're saying, our tickets are gone?
- Probably.

It's all over, girls. Look,
this wasn't meant to be.

I say we just take
a bus and go home.

Yeah. Look, Janet,
you're the treasurer.

How much money do we have left?

Oh, no!

Thank you, Wilma. Yes.

If you hear any
more, please call me.

Bye.

Cliff, I don't know if
you're ready for this.

That was Cara's mother.

She just received a call from the police
department of Wilmington, Delaware.

It seems that Cara's brother's car
was found on the side of the road,

completely stripped.

When the apprehended the thief,
he confessed to having stolen the car

from the parking lot of
a local doughnut shop.

So the police went
to the doughnut shop.

And they spoke to the
woman behind the counter,

who gave them a
description of four girls

that fits the description
of our four girls,

and said that they asked her,

"How do we catch
the bus to Baltimore?"

They don't even bother to call and
report that the car has been stolen.

No, they get on a bus

and go to Baltimore to be with
The Wretched and have big fun.

I say we should get ourselves
together and go over to Susan's house

and meet Vanessa, because
you know they're going back there.

I want you to do me a favor.

From where my heels
are to where I land,

I want you to mark
how far I jumped.

All right, stay right there.

- Okay, that's about eight feet.
- Eight feet?

Add another three to that.

Because when we see Vanessa,

that's how far away
from her I will have to be.

You bring yourself in
this house, right now.

And if you think that that 30-minute
ride home was something, believe me,

we've only just begun.

I think of you lying on the
floor of some burning building,

dying of asphyxia, and
you're down in Baltimore,

having big fun!

Weren't you, Vanessa?
Isn't that where you were?

Didn't you go down there to
Baltimore and have big fun?

Vanessa, tell me.
Didn't you go for big fun?

- Mom, I...
- Shut up!

Don't you dare open your mouth
when I'm asking you a question.

Rudy! Go to bed.

I only hope that you can have
this same experience, Vanessa.

I hope that one day you come
to realize exactly how it feels

to think that your
child's life is in danger.

You have taken us from
levels of frenzy, panic, distress,

and now that we
know you're okay, rage.

That's where we are right
now, Vanessa. We are enraged.

Because we know that you
have been to Baltimore, Maryland

with The Wretched
to have big fun.

Big fun. Isn't that what
you had, Vanessa?

Didn't you have big
fun? Well, let's see, now.

You had doughnuts.

Had doughnuts in
Wilmington, Delaware!

Cliff, tell me. Have you ever
been to Wilmington for doughnuts?

Not on the weekend.

There she is, sitting up
in the local doughnut shop

in Wilmington, Delaware,

sipping hot chocolate
and eating crumbs,

and the car gets stolen.

Now, a normal individual
with half a gnat's brain

would have said,
"I'm going home now."

But you? [laughs]

Oh, no, not you. You
and your three friends

put yourselves on a bus and
go joy-riding off to Baltimore.

All the way to Baltimore!

- What were you thinking?
- I wasn't thinking.

You got that right.

Did you really think that the four of
you could go off careening into the night

and not one single parent
would find out about it?

- Did you really think that, Vanessa?
- Mom, I...

Shut up!

Because I know what was going
on. You were off being wild and free

with The Wretched, and
singing The Wretched song.

Now, I know you told me
about it in the car, Vanessa.

But just for the record, one
more time, how did it come to pass

that you did not get into the concert
with The Wretched and the big fun?

You better answer me when
I ask you a question, girl.

We gave our tickets to a man
who said he was with the band.

And he wasn't,
and he stole them.

Someone stole Janet's wallet.

We ran away and we bumped
into this guy, Freddy Scuria,

a friend of Janet's brother,
and he gave us bus fare.

You're lucky to have found someone
to look at your little sorry selves

and take pity on you.

Mom, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry! It'll never
happen again.

Can I please just
have my punishment?

Vanessa, please, your father and I
have been much too much this evening

to be sitting up here thinking
about a punishment for you right now.

But I'd like my punishment
before I go to bed.

Do yourself a
favor and go to bed.

Okay?

And do me another favor, please.

If you're thinking about
running away from home,

please don't take my car.

[Clair] And there's just one more
thing, Vanessa, I have to say to you.

You have proved to us
that you cannot be trusted.

It's going to be a very long
time before we even think

of trusting you again.

Mom, I said I was sorry. This
is not gonna happen again...

For all I know, you are
lying right now. Go to bed!

Mom, I'm...

We're going to have to do something
about this child's honesty, Cliff.

- [clears throat]
- How are we going to get Vanessa to be

honest about something she wants to
do when she knows darn good and well

we do not want her to do it.

And I say that tonight,
before we put head to pillow

to rest in this house, you and I
are going to figure this one out.

All right, Roy. You get
the pad and the pencil,

and bring 'em on in
to the chuck wagon,

and I'll fix some coffee and
some beans and a side of pork,

and we'll see what we can do
about catching all the desperadoes.

♪♪ [theme]

[Announcer] The
Cosby Show was taped

in front of a studio audience.

Subtitled By J.R. Media
Services, Inc. Burbank, CA