The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 6, Episode 14 - Cliff's Nightmare - full transcript
Cliff comes back from the hospital at three am in the morning and decides to eat a sausage sandwich. Unfortunately that sandwich was responsible for the weirdest dream Cliff had.
♪♪ [theme]
This is the best elevator
music I've ever heard.
[Jeffrey Engles] Boys
and girls of all ages,
this is Cliff's neighbor,
Jeffrey Engles,
and I'd like to tell you a story about the
trouble Cliff had with a sausage sandwich.
It all started late one night.
- Cliff?
- Uh-huh?
Are you eating a
sausage sandwich?
Dear, it's late.
Go back to sleep.
Not with that smell in the room.
Dear, I have been delivering
babies for the last 72 hours.
The only thing that I had to eat was a
can of soup and some soda crackers.
So, I need this.
Please. Please, please.
It's so pitiful when you beg.
I'm not eating
this just for myself.
It's for Mrs. Dugan, dear.
She's gonna deliver
in the morning,
and this gives me the protein that I
need to stay alive and deliver that baby!
But you know that that kind of
sandwich disagrees with you.
It does not disagree with me!
Let the record show... Oh, Lord.
The last time you ate a sausage
sandwich at this hour of the night,
you dreamed you were pregnant
and gave birth to an 18-foot
hoagie and a gallon soda.
And let the record show
that it was not the sandwich.
It was the water! The water!
First begging and then lying.
Sad!
Very sad.
But if you're gonna eat that
sandwich, if you just have to have it,
you just go right on ahead.
You enjoy that
little nasty sandwich,
and you pretend
like I'm not in this...
And just pretend I'm
not even in the room.
- Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.
- I will not... I'm not in the room.
You wanna kiss something? You
kiss that little nasty sausage sandwich.
[kissing]
[Jeffrey] Well, he's
kissing that sandwich now,
but in a little while,
he's gonna be sorry.
As a matter of fact, as
soon as Cliff falls asleep,
he'll understand that he
should have listened to his wife.
[laughs] It's
good, isn't it, Cliff?
♪♪ [harp glissando]
Well, all I can say is I
hope you're enjoying it.
[groans]
[Jeffrey] Now, Cliff thinks
he's still awake, but he's not.
He's actually dreaming.
And you're about to see
what a sausage sandwich
at three in the morning
can do to a man.
Vanessa, what are you doing
in my bedroom with a band?
This is my band.
Dad, I have finally decided
what I want to do with my life.
Because I love you very much,
and I know how
much you dig jazz,
I have decided to play
funk-jazz on the sax.
You can't play a sax.
You've got to take
lessons, practice for years.
You don't know how
to play a saxophone.
Oh, man!
Why do parents always try to
make things sound so difficult?
This is easy. I can do this.
One... ♪♪ [jazz-funk]
♪♪ [music stops]
[Jeffrey] Cliff
couldn't believe it.
Here in his own bedroom was
Vanessa playing the saxophone,
and she could cook!
Uh, can... can I try it?
All my life... 1, 2! 1, 2!
[discordant notes]
What's the matter
with this thing?
Dad, Dad.
You just don't have the chops.
One...
[Jeffrey] Well, if Cliff
thinks he's confused now,
wait until he steps
into the hallway.
Little does he know he's about
to go back in time 200 years.
And that is why I
gathered you all here today.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to
present for you the formula for penicillin.
[people at table gasp]
[French accent] And you say penicillin
can cure all kinds of infectious diseases?
That's what I'm saying, Pierre.
- Sacrebleu!
- Sacrebleu me, too!
You are a genius.
I know.
You must come with us and
study at the Academy of Science.
There are so many questions
that are needed to be answered.
Like, how to make
milk safe to drink.
That's easy. Heat it.
That makes it pasteurized.
[all] Pasteurized!
Have you found a
cure for a runny nose?
Blow it.
[all] Blow it! Mon Dieu!
Mademoiselle Olivia,
you must come with us.
I can't. I want to stay here
and play with my friends.
But, my petite genius, we
will bring your friends to you!
I don't have any friends.
I live in this house with
a bunch of old people.
These old people you live
with, are they as smart as you?
Yes, especially Dr. Huxtable.
He's the brightest, and
he's good-looking, too.
Mademoiselle, please reconsider.
The world of science needs you.
I'm sorry. I cannot.
These old people
will be lost without me.
I'll never ever leave them.
[all groan]
[Jeffrey] I wouldn't be
in such a hurry, Cliff.
You've just had the
nice part of your dream.
Now, the kitchen might look
like it's empty, but it's not.
Cliff is gonna have
some juice now.
He's in for a big surprise.
♪♪ [Anchors Aweigh]
How did I get back
in the service again?
Well, at least I'm a captain.
Captain Heathcliff
Huxtable, front and center.
And you're in the
Navy, too! Look at ya!
Hey, hey! Give me a boat!
Ten hut!
How dare you try to
shake an admiral's hand.
You can't do that, Dad. I
can have you court-martialed.
Yeah, well, you're
my son. Now...
"You're my son, sir."
Look at me. I'm just a captain.
How'd you get a rank higher than me?
Because you have
poor eating habits.
Ten hut!
You do that one more time, I can have
you court-martialed for insubordination.
Sausage sandwiches
at three in the morning.
Man, I can have you
put in the brig for that.
Bread and water, no sausage.
I'm sorry. I'll try to
do better, sir-son.
Yeah, sit down.
Thank you, sir.
Let's get down to business.
You've put in for
a new assignment.
Yes, sir.
It says here you'd like to
be restationed in Hawaii.
That is correct, sir-son.
Request to Hawaii denied.
Well, uh, can I
go to Lake Tahoe?
Ah, you're begging.
I'm gonna have to
make a note of that.
Shameless begging.
But, sir, where am I
going to be stationed?
I have the perfect
place for you: Antarctica.
Antarctica? It's
freezing down there!
Sure, but the cold
will keep you bright.
And the loneliness will
give you time to think
about what you want to
make out of your life, Captain.
Wait a minute!
I can't go that far! My
family will miss me!
No, they won't.
I talked to them earlier today.
In fact, Captain Huxtable,
Antarctica was their idea.
But, sir, won't you reconsider?
I'm sorry. My mind is made
up, Captain. Dismissed.
[Clair screaming]
Wait a minute!
[Jeffrey] That sounded very
much like Clair screaming.
So naturally, Cliff
wanted to save her.
Slow down. Where's the fire?
Clair is screaming in
there. Is there a fire?
- No, worse.
- What?
Can't say... but
it's not pretty.
Not pretty at all.
[Clair] Help! Cliff!
Help me! Save me now!
But that's... that's my wife!
She's in there! I
gotta go in there!
Yeah? You have identification?
- Driver's license?
- Marriage certificate?
- Passport?
- Library card?
Let me talk to your superior!
- Chief!
- Chief!
All right, move it
out! Show's over!
Hey, show's over.
Denise, it's me, Dad!
You got some I.D.?
[chuckles] Look at me!
Yeah, well, you look like
my dad, but you never know.
There are a lot of people
out there posing as dads.
[Clair] Cliff!
Cliff, are you coming
in here or not?
That's Mom yelling for
me! Can I go in, please?
All right, you can go
in, but at your own risk
Boys, step aside.
[screaming]
[thunder]
Cliff!
What are you
doing outside there?
This is your fault.
I told you to pretend
like I wasn't in the room,
and look what you did to me!
Now you save me quick!
I'll go get a ladder!
[Jeffrey] Clair
seems a little upset.
I guess I'd be upset, too, if I
was hanging out of a window.
Help me! Do you have a ladder?
Of course we have a
ladder. We're firemen.
Here you go.
Be sure to bring that back.
Hey, you wanna pet Sparky?
No.
[Jeffrey] So he's on
his way to find a ladder.
But Cliff won't be
finding that ladder
because this dream is about
to become even more peculiar.
Hey, Doc? Where you going?
Who are you?
I'm the hypocritic
oath. You remember?
When you graduated from medical
school, you took the hypocritic oath.
You pledged to take care
of everyone who was sick.
No, that's the Hippocratic
oath. You weren't listening.
Wrong! It was
the hypocritic oath.
You just weren't listening!
[German accent] Oh, he
never listens to anyone.
His wife told him not to
eat me, but he did anyway.
He knows I disagree with him.
You don't disagree with me!
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- I do. - No, you don't - Do.
- Don't.
Why am I here
arguing with a sandwich
when my wife is hanging
from the building here?
I've got to go save her!
Doc, you're coming with me!
You have to make a
delivery at the hospital.
No! Mrs. Dugan is not
due until the morning!
We're not talking
about Mrs. Dugan!
This is another delivery,
and it's an emergency.
Well, I can't go to
the hospital now!
- Yes, you can!
- No, I can't!
- Can!
- I can't!
Can!
See, he's disagreeing with me.
I'm not disagreeing with you!
- You are!
- I'm not!
- You are!
- Not.
[Clair] Cliff, put that
sandwich down and help me!
You see? I've got to go save my
wife who's hanging from the building!
Are you coming to
the hospital or not?
No!
He's not cooperating.
Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Hey, fellas!
Okay, you're coming with us!
This'll be easy!
He's such a wimp!
Clair! Clair, I'll be back!
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!
[Jeffrey] He tried to run from
the monsters as fast as he could,
but you just can't run that fast with a
sausage sandwich in your stomach.
Mr. Rudd? Hmm?
You're the proud
father of a baby boy.
He looks just like you.
Oh!
[Jeffrey] The monsters took Cliff
to the hospital where he works.
Only now the hospital
was very, very different.
Take the tablets and
call us in the morning.
Wait a minute!
Do you have to
squeeze my arm so hard?
We don't have to,
but we enjoy it, right?
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! [laughs]
[groans]
Aah!
All right, Dr. Huxtable,
go over to the admitting desk,
and they'll tell you what to do.
And remember, you took that
hypocritic oath, so do me proud.
Ha ha!
Say, you're Dr. Huxtable?
Huh?
Huh, huh, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hear you're making
an emergency delivery.
You know you can't get up
there without an elevator pass.
I need an elevator pass?
Sure! You're lucky
you ran into me.
I can sell you one
for only, uh...$5.00.
Normally, I'd charge
a lot more, but I like ya.
Hey, don't tell the
boss I did this, okay?
All right. $5.00. Is that
want you want, $5.00?
Yes, $5.00.
There you go. Okay, thank you.
Hold the phone.
You have an elevator
pass to get back downstairs?
An elevator pass to
get back downstairs?
Back downstairs.
Do you have one?
No, no I don't.
Oh. Well, that's gonna
be, like, uh, $1,500.
Yeah! $1,500!
Let's see, that'll be,
uh... 1,505! Yeah!
Oh.
Okay. Here. Here's
$1,500... Come to papa.
To take the elevator down.
Did you drive a car here?
Yes.
Uh, where did you park it?
Over on the north side.
Oh, that is too
bad! Just too bad!
What's the problem?
Well, you gotta give
me $3,500 more.
To get my car out?
$3,500 more!
Well, all right, because that's...
That's all I have. I'm glad I made it.
Thank you. Thank you!
All right. Ha ha!
Is there a doctor in the house?
Yes, I'm a doctor.
Oh, thank goodness. Doc,
would you take a look at this?
Hmm. [buzzing]
See, something is wrong with me.
Yeah, it doesn't look good.
I know that. I need
you to help me!
What do you want me to do?
Well, you have to hit
me like you'd hit a TV set.
No, no, I don't want to do that.
Oh, come on,
please, Doc. I need it.
Okay.
No, that isn't gonna get it.
Come on, let me have it.
I can't do that. Doctor!
Hey! Why don't you fix him!
I can't!
Uhh!
[groans]
[crash]
Ah.
And you call yourself
a doctor. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Thanks! I feel 100% better.
Keep practicing.
Nurse! Nurse!
Yes?
Wait a minute. You're
not a nurse, are you?
Well, what do I look like in this
outfit? The Good Humor Woman?
Now, you don't talk
like that to your father.
You're not my father.
My father wouldn't leave his
wife hanging out of a window.
Hey, but let me
tell you something.
I was gonna save her, but
the monsters dragged me away.
If I had a nickel for every
time I heard that story,
I'd be a millionaire.
Now please get out of my face.
Yeah, well, I'll get
out of your face.
Look, you know, you're
pushing it just a little bit here.
Pushing? Boys, come show
this man what pushing is.
I'm telling you...
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
[monsters laughing]
[talking, indistinct]
- Shh!
- Quiet!
It's starting. It's starting.
[blowing into microphone] Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen...
and other things.
Welcome to Operating Theater.
Now tonight, we have
something really spectacular.
Right here on our stage, we're going to see
the first delivery ever of a koosbanian.
[all cheering]
Oh, boy! Never seen that!
And now the man who's
going to make this delivery,
the one, the only...
Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable!
[Monster] Who's he?
I don't know. I
never heard of him.
[all grumbling]
[shouting] He doesn't look
like he can deliver a baby!
He doesn't look like
he can deliver a pizza!
[laughs]
Whoa!
So, you ready, Doc?
Uh, well, I don't know.
I've never delivered
a koosbanian before.
I know, and we all admire you for
attempting something so dangerous.
Dangerous?
Wait a minute!
Is the patient in trouble?
No, you are!
I thought I was in danger when
I performed an appendectomy
while being shot
out of a cannon.
But that's nothing
compared to this.
[whispering] Are you gonna
shoot me out of a cannon?
No. You're going to be suspended
upside down in a tank of water
while playing Lady of
Spain on the accordion.
[all cheering]
[growling]
Oh, no! The
koosbanian is resisting.
Put a muzzle on
her second mouth!
[growling]
[chains breaking]
Oh, no! The
koosbanian has escaped.
[all groan]
You can all go home.
There'll be no delivery today.
[all groan]
We want surgery!
[all] We want surgery!
We want surgery!
We want surgery!
Operate on that guy Huxtable!
[all] Yeah!
I'll cut him!
I've got the steadiest
hands in the business.
[saw ringing]
[all] Cut him! Cut him!
Let me up! Let me up!
Let me up!
[Jeffrey] Well, I suppose Cliff now
realizes he should have listened to Clair
and not eaten that
sausage sandwich.
Boys and girls, always
listen to your mom,
and husbands, you
should listen to your wives.
I have a wife and a mother
so I do quite a bit of listening.
So Cliff decided he would go
downstairs and begin the day.
Hey, morning, Dad.
Dad, you don't look so good.
Did you sleep in your clothes?
I had a rough night, so don't
give me any grief, please.
Looks like Dad
didn't sleep too well.
He probably ate something
that gave him nightmares again.
You know, there was a sausage
missing from the refrigerator this morning.
Dad probably ate it.
Well, I did have a bad dream...
and you were in it, and you
were in it, and you were in it.
But I'm just happy to
be back in Brooklyn,
'cause there's no
place like home.
You should be more careful, Dad.
Mom's always telling you
not to eat that stuff late at night.
Yeah, Dad. You can't
take it at your age.
Well, listen, I cannot
argue with you.
I have learned my lesson.
Good for you, Dad.
Come on, guys. I'll
drop you off at school.
- Bye, Dad.
- See you later, Dad.
[groans]
Wait a minute!
Who turned on the light?
Oh, look, it's sausage man.
[foods laughing]
You're not going to
eat again, are you?
[all laugh]
Wait a minute! You guys
heard what I told my children.
I'm not eating bad
foods anymore.
Jeez. If I had a nickel for
every time I heard him say that,
I'd buy my own refrigerator.
[laughing]
He's back!
So's his stomach.
[all laughing]
[Jeffrey] And that’s
the end of our story.
Good night, boys and girls.
Eat the right things...
and sleep tight.
♪♪ [theme]
[Announcer] The Cosby Show
was taped before a studio audience.
Subtitled By J.R. Media
Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
This is the best elevator
music I've ever heard.
[Jeffrey Engles] Boys
and girls of all ages,
this is Cliff's neighbor,
Jeffrey Engles,
and I'd like to tell you a story about the
trouble Cliff had with a sausage sandwich.
It all started late one night.
- Cliff?
- Uh-huh?
Are you eating a
sausage sandwich?
Dear, it's late.
Go back to sleep.
Not with that smell in the room.
Dear, I have been delivering
babies for the last 72 hours.
The only thing that I had to eat was a
can of soup and some soda crackers.
So, I need this.
Please. Please, please.
It's so pitiful when you beg.
I'm not eating
this just for myself.
It's for Mrs. Dugan, dear.
She's gonna deliver
in the morning,
and this gives me the protein that I
need to stay alive and deliver that baby!
But you know that that kind of
sandwich disagrees with you.
It does not disagree with me!
Let the record show... Oh, Lord.
The last time you ate a sausage
sandwich at this hour of the night,
you dreamed you were pregnant
and gave birth to an 18-foot
hoagie and a gallon soda.
And let the record show
that it was not the sandwich.
It was the water! The water!
First begging and then lying.
Sad!
Very sad.
But if you're gonna eat that
sandwich, if you just have to have it,
you just go right on ahead.
You enjoy that
little nasty sandwich,
and you pretend
like I'm not in this...
And just pretend I'm
not even in the room.
- Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.
- I will not... I'm not in the room.
You wanna kiss something? You
kiss that little nasty sausage sandwich.
[kissing]
[Jeffrey] Well, he's
kissing that sandwich now,
but in a little while,
he's gonna be sorry.
As a matter of fact, as
soon as Cliff falls asleep,
he'll understand that he
should have listened to his wife.
[laughs] It's
good, isn't it, Cliff?
♪♪ [harp glissando]
Well, all I can say is I
hope you're enjoying it.
[groans]
[Jeffrey] Now, Cliff thinks
he's still awake, but he's not.
He's actually dreaming.
And you're about to see
what a sausage sandwich
at three in the morning
can do to a man.
Vanessa, what are you doing
in my bedroom with a band?
This is my band.
Dad, I have finally decided
what I want to do with my life.
Because I love you very much,
and I know how
much you dig jazz,
I have decided to play
funk-jazz on the sax.
You can't play a sax.
You've got to take
lessons, practice for years.
You don't know how
to play a saxophone.
Oh, man!
Why do parents always try to
make things sound so difficult?
This is easy. I can do this.
One... ♪♪ [jazz-funk]
♪♪ [music stops]
[Jeffrey] Cliff
couldn't believe it.
Here in his own bedroom was
Vanessa playing the saxophone,
and she could cook!
Uh, can... can I try it?
All my life... 1, 2! 1, 2!
[discordant notes]
What's the matter
with this thing?
Dad, Dad.
You just don't have the chops.
One...
[Jeffrey] Well, if Cliff
thinks he's confused now,
wait until he steps
into the hallway.
Little does he know he's about
to go back in time 200 years.
And that is why I
gathered you all here today.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to
present for you the formula for penicillin.
[people at table gasp]
[French accent] And you say penicillin
can cure all kinds of infectious diseases?
That's what I'm saying, Pierre.
- Sacrebleu!
- Sacrebleu me, too!
You are a genius.
I know.
You must come with us and
study at the Academy of Science.
There are so many questions
that are needed to be answered.
Like, how to make
milk safe to drink.
That's easy. Heat it.
That makes it pasteurized.
[all] Pasteurized!
Have you found a
cure for a runny nose?
Blow it.
[all] Blow it! Mon Dieu!
Mademoiselle Olivia,
you must come with us.
I can't. I want to stay here
and play with my friends.
But, my petite genius, we
will bring your friends to you!
I don't have any friends.
I live in this house with
a bunch of old people.
These old people you live
with, are they as smart as you?
Yes, especially Dr. Huxtable.
He's the brightest, and
he's good-looking, too.
Mademoiselle, please reconsider.
The world of science needs you.
I'm sorry. I cannot.
These old people
will be lost without me.
I'll never ever leave them.
[all groan]
[Jeffrey] I wouldn't be
in such a hurry, Cliff.
You've just had the
nice part of your dream.
Now, the kitchen might look
like it's empty, but it's not.
Cliff is gonna have
some juice now.
He's in for a big surprise.
♪♪ [Anchors Aweigh]
How did I get back
in the service again?
Well, at least I'm a captain.
Captain Heathcliff
Huxtable, front and center.
And you're in the
Navy, too! Look at ya!
Hey, hey! Give me a boat!
Ten hut!
How dare you try to
shake an admiral's hand.
You can't do that, Dad. I
can have you court-martialed.
Yeah, well, you're
my son. Now...
"You're my son, sir."
Look at me. I'm just a captain.
How'd you get a rank higher than me?
Because you have
poor eating habits.
Ten hut!
You do that one more time, I can have
you court-martialed for insubordination.
Sausage sandwiches
at three in the morning.
Man, I can have you
put in the brig for that.
Bread and water, no sausage.
I'm sorry. I'll try to
do better, sir-son.
Yeah, sit down.
Thank you, sir.
Let's get down to business.
You've put in for
a new assignment.
Yes, sir.
It says here you'd like to
be restationed in Hawaii.
That is correct, sir-son.
Request to Hawaii denied.
Well, uh, can I
go to Lake Tahoe?
Ah, you're begging.
I'm gonna have to
make a note of that.
Shameless begging.
But, sir, where am I
going to be stationed?
I have the perfect
place for you: Antarctica.
Antarctica? It's
freezing down there!
Sure, but the cold
will keep you bright.
And the loneliness will
give you time to think
about what you want to
make out of your life, Captain.
Wait a minute!
I can't go that far! My
family will miss me!
No, they won't.
I talked to them earlier today.
In fact, Captain Huxtable,
Antarctica was their idea.
But, sir, won't you reconsider?
I'm sorry. My mind is made
up, Captain. Dismissed.
[Clair screaming]
Wait a minute!
[Jeffrey] That sounded very
much like Clair screaming.
So naturally, Cliff
wanted to save her.
Slow down. Where's the fire?
Clair is screaming in
there. Is there a fire?
- No, worse.
- What?
Can't say... but
it's not pretty.
Not pretty at all.
[Clair] Help! Cliff!
Help me! Save me now!
But that's... that's my wife!
She's in there! I
gotta go in there!
Yeah? You have identification?
- Driver's license?
- Marriage certificate?
- Passport?
- Library card?
Let me talk to your superior!
- Chief!
- Chief!
All right, move it
out! Show's over!
Hey, show's over.
Denise, it's me, Dad!
You got some I.D.?
[chuckles] Look at me!
Yeah, well, you look like
my dad, but you never know.
There are a lot of people
out there posing as dads.
[Clair] Cliff!
Cliff, are you coming
in here or not?
That's Mom yelling for
me! Can I go in, please?
All right, you can go
in, but at your own risk
Boys, step aside.
[screaming]
[thunder]
Cliff!
What are you
doing outside there?
This is your fault.
I told you to pretend
like I wasn't in the room,
and look what you did to me!
Now you save me quick!
I'll go get a ladder!
[Jeffrey] Clair
seems a little upset.
I guess I'd be upset, too, if I
was hanging out of a window.
Help me! Do you have a ladder?
Of course we have a
ladder. We're firemen.
Here you go.
Be sure to bring that back.
Hey, you wanna pet Sparky?
No.
[Jeffrey] So he's on
his way to find a ladder.
But Cliff won't be
finding that ladder
because this dream is about
to become even more peculiar.
Hey, Doc? Where you going?
Who are you?
I'm the hypocritic
oath. You remember?
When you graduated from medical
school, you took the hypocritic oath.
You pledged to take care
of everyone who was sick.
No, that's the Hippocratic
oath. You weren't listening.
Wrong! It was
the hypocritic oath.
You just weren't listening!
[German accent] Oh, he
never listens to anyone.
His wife told him not to
eat me, but he did anyway.
He knows I disagree with him.
You don't disagree with me!
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- I do. - No, you don't - Do.
- Don't.
Why am I here
arguing with a sandwich
when my wife is hanging
from the building here?
I've got to go save her!
Doc, you're coming with me!
You have to make a
delivery at the hospital.
No! Mrs. Dugan is not
due until the morning!
We're not talking
about Mrs. Dugan!
This is another delivery,
and it's an emergency.
Well, I can't go to
the hospital now!
- Yes, you can!
- No, I can't!
- Can!
- I can't!
Can!
See, he's disagreeing with me.
I'm not disagreeing with you!
- You are!
- I'm not!
- You are!
- Not.
[Clair] Cliff, put that
sandwich down and help me!
You see? I've got to go save my
wife who's hanging from the building!
Are you coming to
the hospital or not?
No!
He's not cooperating.
Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Hey, fellas!
Okay, you're coming with us!
This'll be easy!
He's such a wimp!
Clair! Clair, I'll be back!
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!
[Jeffrey] He tried to run from
the monsters as fast as he could,
but you just can't run that fast with a
sausage sandwich in your stomach.
Mr. Rudd? Hmm?
You're the proud
father of a baby boy.
He looks just like you.
Oh!
[Jeffrey] The monsters took Cliff
to the hospital where he works.
Only now the hospital
was very, very different.
Take the tablets and
call us in the morning.
Wait a minute!
Do you have to
squeeze my arm so hard?
We don't have to,
but we enjoy it, right?
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! [laughs]
[groans]
Aah!
All right, Dr. Huxtable,
go over to the admitting desk,
and they'll tell you what to do.
And remember, you took that
hypocritic oath, so do me proud.
Ha ha!
Say, you're Dr. Huxtable?
Huh?
Huh, huh, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hear you're making
an emergency delivery.
You know you can't get up
there without an elevator pass.
I need an elevator pass?
Sure! You're lucky
you ran into me.
I can sell you one
for only, uh...$5.00.
Normally, I'd charge
a lot more, but I like ya.
Hey, don't tell the
boss I did this, okay?
All right. $5.00. Is that
want you want, $5.00?
Yes, $5.00.
There you go. Okay, thank you.
Hold the phone.
You have an elevator
pass to get back downstairs?
An elevator pass to
get back downstairs?
Back downstairs.
Do you have one?
No, no I don't.
Oh. Well, that's gonna
be, like, uh, $1,500.
Yeah! $1,500!
Let's see, that'll be,
uh... 1,505! Yeah!
Oh.
Okay. Here. Here's
$1,500... Come to papa.
To take the elevator down.
Did you drive a car here?
Yes.
Uh, where did you park it?
Over on the north side.
Oh, that is too
bad! Just too bad!
What's the problem?
Well, you gotta give
me $3,500 more.
To get my car out?
$3,500 more!
Well, all right, because that's...
That's all I have. I'm glad I made it.
Thank you. Thank you!
All right. Ha ha!
Is there a doctor in the house?
Yes, I'm a doctor.
Oh, thank goodness. Doc,
would you take a look at this?
Hmm. [buzzing]
See, something is wrong with me.
Yeah, it doesn't look good.
I know that. I need
you to help me!
What do you want me to do?
Well, you have to hit
me like you'd hit a TV set.
No, no, I don't want to do that.
Oh, come on,
please, Doc. I need it.
Okay.
No, that isn't gonna get it.
Come on, let me have it.
I can't do that. Doctor!
Hey! Why don't you fix him!
I can't!
Uhh!
[groans]
[crash]
Ah.
And you call yourself
a doctor. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Thanks! I feel 100% better.
Keep practicing.
Nurse! Nurse!
Yes?
Wait a minute. You're
not a nurse, are you?
Well, what do I look like in this
outfit? The Good Humor Woman?
Now, you don't talk
like that to your father.
You're not my father.
My father wouldn't leave his
wife hanging out of a window.
Hey, but let me
tell you something.
I was gonna save her, but
the monsters dragged me away.
If I had a nickel for every
time I heard that story,
I'd be a millionaire.
Now please get out of my face.
Yeah, well, I'll get
out of your face.
Look, you know, you're
pushing it just a little bit here.
Pushing? Boys, come show
this man what pushing is.
I'm telling you...
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
[monsters laughing]
[talking, indistinct]
- Shh!
- Quiet!
It's starting. It's starting.
[blowing into microphone] Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen...
and other things.
Welcome to Operating Theater.
Now tonight, we have
something really spectacular.
Right here on our stage, we're going to see
the first delivery ever of a koosbanian.
[all cheering]
Oh, boy! Never seen that!
And now the man who's
going to make this delivery,
the one, the only...
Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable!
[Monster] Who's he?
I don't know. I
never heard of him.
[all grumbling]
[shouting] He doesn't look
like he can deliver a baby!
He doesn't look like
he can deliver a pizza!
[laughs]
Whoa!
So, you ready, Doc?
Uh, well, I don't know.
I've never delivered
a koosbanian before.
I know, and we all admire you for
attempting something so dangerous.
Dangerous?
Wait a minute!
Is the patient in trouble?
No, you are!
I thought I was in danger when
I performed an appendectomy
while being shot
out of a cannon.
But that's nothing
compared to this.
[whispering] Are you gonna
shoot me out of a cannon?
No. You're going to be suspended
upside down in a tank of water
while playing Lady of
Spain on the accordion.
[all cheering]
[growling]
Oh, no! The
koosbanian is resisting.
Put a muzzle on
her second mouth!
[growling]
[chains breaking]
Oh, no! The
koosbanian has escaped.
[all groan]
You can all go home.
There'll be no delivery today.
[all groan]
We want surgery!
[all] We want surgery!
We want surgery!
We want surgery!
Operate on that guy Huxtable!
[all] Yeah!
I'll cut him!
I've got the steadiest
hands in the business.
[saw ringing]
[all] Cut him! Cut him!
Let me up! Let me up!
Let me up!
[Jeffrey] Well, I suppose Cliff now
realizes he should have listened to Clair
and not eaten that
sausage sandwich.
Boys and girls, always
listen to your mom,
and husbands, you
should listen to your wives.
I have a wife and a mother
so I do quite a bit of listening.
So Cliff decided he would go
downstairs and begin the day.
Hey, morning, Dad.
Dad, you don't look so good.
Did you sleep in your clothes?
I had a rough night, so don't
give me any grief, please.
Looks like Dad
didn't sleep too well.
He probably ate something
that gave him nightmares again.
You know, there was a sausage
missing from the refrigerator this morning.
Dad probably ate it.
Well, I did have a bad dream...
and you were in it, and you
were in it, and you were in it.
But I'm just happy to
be back in Brooklyn,
'cause there's no
place like home.
You should be more careful, Dad.
Mom's always telling you
not to eat that stuff late at night.
Yeah, Dad. You can't
take it at your age.
Well, listen, I cannot
argue with you.
I have learned my lesson.
Good for you, Dad.
Come on, guys. I'll
drop you off at school.
- Bye, Dad.
- See you later, Dad.
[groans]
Wait a minute!
Who turned on the light?
Oh, look, it's sausage man.
[foods laughing]
You're not going to
eat again, are you?
[all laugh]
Wait a minute! You guys
heard what I told my children.
I'm not eating bad
foods anymore.
Jeez. If I had a nickel for
every time I heard him say that,
I'd buy my own refrigerator.
[laughing]
He's back!
So's his stomach.
[all laughing]
[Jeffrey] And that’s
the end of our story.
Good night, boys and girls.
Eat the right things...
and sleep tight.
♪♪ [theme]
[Announcer] The Cosby Show
was taped before a studio audience.
Subtitled By J.R. Media
Services, Inc. Burbank, CA