The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 6, Episode 13 - Elvin Pays for Dinner - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

This is the best elevator
music I've ever heard.

Sondra! As soon as Theo and
the girls get here we should leave.

Our reservation
is in half an hour.

Iris is always on time.

Elvin, how does this sound?

Muffin, you're not dressed?

Well, honey, this
essay is still not right.

How am I going to
get into law school,

when I can't even write a personal
statement for my application?

Look, a nice evening out is
all you need to clear your head.



You're gonna love Iris.

She's very funny. She
can talk about anything.

You guys are
gonna hit it off great.

[doorbell chimes]
Okay, I'll go get ready.

Thank you.

Hey!

- ♪ My name is Van ♪
- ♪ They call me Ru ♪

♪ And we are here
to babysit for you, ho ♪

Yo, Elvin, I told
them it was stupid.

No, it's not stupid, it's great.

- Come on in.
- Thank you, Elvin.

Well, I can't stay.

I have to get the car
back to Mom and Dad.

I hope your VCR works.



I picked up some movies
for Rudy and me to watch.

Vanessa's really into
those old movies now.

Most of them
aren't even in color.

Rudy, you're gonna
love these movies.

They are so glamorous.

People wore tuxedos
to do everything.

Even to get the
newspaper in the morning.

And they were always jumping into
these big, yellow taxi cabs and saying,

"Follow that car."

And they got to go to nightclubs
with big, shiny dance floors,

and orchestras,
and linen tablecloths.

Now, that is my style.

So what are you and
Sondra doing tonight?

Going out to dinner with an old
college friend of mine and her sister.

You're taking Sondra out to dinner
with one of your old girlfriends?

What's the matter with that?

Rudy, you're too
young to understand.

Understand what?

Rudy, if you understood,
you wouldn't have to ask.

Vanessa, relax.

Iris is not an old girlfriend.
We just went to school together.

Well, actually, she did
take me to a dance once,

when I didn't have
enough money to get in.

But after that, we just
studied at the library together.

And then I met your sister, and
we lost touch with each other.

- Is she cute?
- Yeah, I guess.

Wait a minute.

The girl was cute and all you
wanted to do was go to the library?

Come on, you guys.

What, do you write for
the tabloids or something?

Come on. We're just
friends, you know.

It is possible to be friends
with an attractive woman.

Hasn't it ever
happened to you, Theo?

Yeah, but it wasn't my choice.

Hey, everybody.

[Theo] Hey, what's up?

♪ My name is Van ♪

♪ They call me Ru ♪

♪ And we are here
to babysit for you, ho ♪

Hey, I love that.

Um, Sondra, I thought
you were getting dressed.

Elvin, I can't go.

I just figured out
how to fix my essay.

I came up with some great ideas

and I wanna get them down
while I still remember them.

Oh, but, honey, we
planned this a week ago.

And Iris really
wants to meet you.

Oh, I know, honey, but I can meet
her the next time she's in New York.

I know the application
is important, but...

Okay, okay, I will call her right away,
cancel, and stay home with you tonight.

Oh, no, I really think that you
should go to dinner with them.

No, Sondra, if you
don't go, I don't go.

But, honey, that's ridiculous.

Why should you be
stuck here with me?

Go, have a good
time. Okay, I will.

Does that mean we
don't get to babysit?

No, you're staying.

While I'm in the
bedroom working,

I'll need someone to keep
an eye on Wendy and Nelson.

- All right.
- All right.

Elvin? Yeah?

All I ask is that you be home by
10:00 to take Rudy and Vanessa home.

I promised Mom and Dad
I'd have them back early.

All right, I'll be home
9:30 at the latest.

[with mouth full] Hey, Elvin...

I have to take the car
back to Mom and Dad,

but I can drop you
off at the restaurant.

Great.

Work hard, honey.

Can't wait to read that
brilliant essay when I get back.

Have a good time, sweetheart.

Bye.

Sondra, I cannot
believe what you just did.

What?

You sent your husband out
on a date with another woman.

Elvin is not out on a
date. Iris is an old friend.

Mm-hmm.

That's what Joseph Cotton said
about Joan Fontaine in September Affair.

You see, they were
married to other people,

but they became
friends on an airplane,

then the airplane crashed.

Well, they survived and fell in love,
and when they were reported dead,

they decided not to tell anyone,
so that they could be together.

Vanessa, you are
talking about an old movie.

This is Greenwich
Village, not Hollywood.

Iris is not Joan Fontaine
and Elvin is not Joseph Cotton.

Thanks for saying that.

Last week she said Kenney and me
reminded her of George Raft and Ida Lupino.

Okay, you girls have fun.

I'll try.

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Hi, honey. Mwah!

Aren't you getting
ready for bed?

In a minute, but first I have to see
how tall I am before I go to sleep.

Yeah, well, honey, um... I
measured you yesterday.

Fine, but I want you to measure
me again before I go to sleep.

Yeah, but I just measured you
yesterday, and you were 41 inches tall.

I put it on the wall
over there, see?

I grew. I can feel it!

But, you... you
didn't grow, hon.

Yes, I did.

I'm telling you,
you didn't grow.

I know my body!

Measure me.

Okay, all right.
Go on over there.

I'll measure you.

Okay, here's the
mark from yesterday.

Now this was less
than 24 hours, okay?

All right, now, have you got the
same shoes on you had yesterday?

Yes, my tennis shoes.

All right, fine. All right,
put your head back.

All right, here we go.

Now, this is the mark, and...

Well, that's impossible.

What? What?

You're an inch taller
than you were yesterday.

All right! I told you,
I know my body!

Clair!

Clair!

I measured her yesterday.

I measured her just now.

She's an inch taller
than she was yesterday.

Well, that doesn't surprise me a
bit. Olivia's an exceptional child.

Wow. That's really good, Olivia.

Keep up the good work.

I just measured her
less than 24 hours ago.

Well, Dad, maybe we understand
things that doctors don't.

If the child grows at this rate,

do you realize that by
April, she'll be 10 feel tall?

Honey, you're getting overly
excited for no good reason.

See, Denise and I understand that children
have these sudden spurts of growth.

They do.

Especially when you
put tissue in their shoes.

[All] Gotcha!

I know my body!

And you, a doctor,
actually believed

that a child could
grow an inch in a day?

Well, I mean, I
would... I would...

Come on, Cliff, you gotta
admit that's a good gotcha.

No.

[laughter] Gotcha, Dad.

What's so funny?

Yesterday, your
father measured Olivia.

And he measured her again today,

and she was an inch taller.

Where did he measure her?

In the kitchen, honey.
Against the wall.

Well, was she standing
in the same place?

Yes.

Did she have on the same shoes?

[laughing] Yes.

And she put tissue in
her shoes. [cackling]

Why would she do that?

Never mind.

Well, Dad, I brought
your keys back to you.

Thank you.

I have to tell you, Sondra
really surprised me tonight.

She and Elvin were
supposed to go out to dinner

with an old girlfriend
of Elvin's and her sister.

[laughing]

Anyway, at the last minute,
Sondra decided she wasn't gonna go

because she had to stay home and
work on her law school application.

He never even checked her shoes.

Anyway... Sondra
insisted that Elvin go.

Isn't that unbelievable?

[laughing] Shoes.

Elvin's one lucky guy.

See you guys later.

Tissue paper, huh?

[cackling]

[door closes]

[stifling laugh]

Well, I just see some trouble
on the horizon for my man Elvin.

Why would you say that?

Never mind. Never mind.

No, please. No, please.
I want you to stay.

Tell me about the
horizon. No. Right.

No, never... No,
no, I'll be good.

I'll be... I'll be good.

See, Elvin... [stifled laugh]

Sorry, there was
just a little left.

It's all gone now.

See, Elvin is in big trouble.

Why? What did he
do? She told him to go.

Dear, it doesn't make any
difference what his wife told him.

The boy went out with two women,

and left the wife at
home with two babies,

and she had to fill out
a law school application.

And you are not suggesting

that you understand a woman's
point of view better than I do.

No, what I'm saying

is that Elvin understands
less than all of us.

And he's going to
be in big trouble.

And, another thing,

I knew about the
tissue in the shoes.

Oh, no. [laughs]

I gotcha. Gotcha,
gotcha, gotcha.

[cackling]

I didn't have a dollar to get into the
dance. Your sister took pity on me.

She said, "That's all
right. You go as my guest."

I didn't know he was
gonna get so thirsty inside.

I spent another $7
on refreshments.

Should we be
coming in here so late?

It's 11:00.

That's okay, Sondra's up. She
really wants to meet you two.

And I want you to get
a peek at the babies.

And you don't think she's gonna be
upset with you coming home so late?

No, look, when I
called her from the

restaurant, she said,
"Stay, enjoy yourselves."

See, Sondra is the kind of person who
enjoys other people enjoying themselves.

Anyway, you'll see
when you meet her.

Look, why don't you guys
make yourselves at home,

and we'll be out
in a minute, okay?

Honey, I'm back.

Yes, you are.

Sorry I'm a little late.
Time just flew by.

- Did it?
- Yeah.

We were just sitting, talking
over old times and stuff.

Iris' sister, Judy,
is really fascinating.

You know she's an
engineer? She builds bridges.

Anyway, we were just talking, and
Iris and Judy ordered some wine.

- You were drinking wine?
- Oh, you know I don't drink wine.

I had a scotch.

You had a scotch?

Yeah, it seemed like the thing
to do. I'd never had one before.

But I told them to
put a lot of ice in it.

Oh, and I suppose you
smoked a cigarette, too.

No.

I just lit it and let
it sit in the ashtray.

I see, so now it's clear

why you totally forgot to
come home when you promised.

Wait, muffin, when I called
you from the restaurant, you said,

"Stay and enjoy yourselves."

Yeah, well, you
stayed all right.

Yeah, honey, I stayed
another half an hour.

Then we got the check,
I paid, and we left.

- You paid the check?
- I wanted to.

See, once in college, Iris paid my
way into a dance that we went to.

Elvin, how much was the dance?

Uh, a dollar.

And how much was the dinner?

Um...$78.

Well, would you like to
know what was going on here

while you were out on the town?

No... yeah... Uh, I'm not sure.

Well, at 10:00 when you
promised you would be back,

I had to stop working on my
essay, bundle up the twins,

drive Rudy and Vanessa
home, and then drive back here.

I then spent the next half hour
trying to get the twins to fall asleep

and then another half hour
trying to calm myself down,

so that I could
work on this essay.

Why didn't you send Vanessa
and Rudy home in a cab?

Elvin, because it costs money.

I guess that's something
that you don't think about

since you were out there spending
it on food, drink, and women.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I would
like to get back to writing my essay.

Sweetheart, before
you do that, um...

Iris... Iris and Judy
are in the living room.

They'd like to meet you.

You brought them back here?

Well, they wanted to meet you.
Could you come out for a minute?

No.

If you don't come out, I mean,
what am I going to say to them?

Why don't you have a scotch?
Maybe something will come to you.

Sure you don't wanna come out?

[clears throat]

Well, um, Sondra
can't come out after all.

She's asleep.

Elvin, we heard her.
She sounds upset.

Yeah. Well, she
talks in her sleep.

She's under a lot of stress right
now. She's applying to law school.

Applications and everything.

Maybe we should leave.

Maybe, but, listen,

next time you come to
town, we'll get together

and she'll be real
sorry she missed you.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

- We had a great time.
- Nice meeting you.

Hello.

Sondra! You woke up!

Sondra, um, well...

Iris, Judy, this is
my wife, Sondra.

Hi. Hi, we've heard
a lot about you.

I hope we didn't get Elvin in
trouble by keeping him out so late.

Oh, no, no.

I understand what it's like
when old friends get together.

You do?

Absolutely.

I'm just happy that all of
you had such a good time.

Oh, well, we did.

Just sitting around with Iris
brought back all these memories

of crazy college days.

Tell Sondra about the time you
lent me money to get into the dance.

Elvin was broke, and I ended up
spending $12 on our evening out.

[laughs]

Oh, that's great. That Elvin.

Well, we'll be in town in the spring.
Maybe we could all get together then.

Yeah. Oh, I'd like that.

Judy, we've got a long trip, I
think we should hit the road.

Good night, Sondra. Good night.

Elvin, thanks for buying
dinner. Sure thing.

- Nice meeting you.
- You, too. Good night.

- Bye-bye.
- Drive safely.

- Good luck on your bar exam.
- Thanks.

- Aren't they great?
- Oh, yeah.

I knew you'd like them.

When we came
in tonight they said,

"Are you sure Sondra's not going to
be angry that you're coming in so late?"

And I said, "No, not my
Sondra. She's wonderful."

Listen, I really appreciate the way
you expressed your anger to me in there

and then you came out here and you
were so open and giving to Iris and Judy.

It really means a lot to me.

You really mean a lot to me.

You're my special,
special muffin.

[door locks]

Muffin?

[laughs] Muffin?

♪♪ [old romantic music]

[sniffles]

Whoa, Vanessa. You're right.

I love these movies.

And didn't this one remind
you of Sondra and Elvin?

Yeah.

Gene Tierney seemed okay
at the beginning of the movie,

but when Cornel Wilde fell
in love with Jeanne Craine,

it freaked Gene Tierney out.

I know. She started
killing everybody.

Do you think
Sondra will kill Elvin?

Rudy, Sondra
would never kill Elvin.

Sondra does have a
bad temper sometimes.

You're right.

In fact, her temper's a lot like
Gene Tierney's in the movie.

Hi, Rudy. Hi, Vanessa.

- Sondra?
- Yes?

Where's Elvin?

Don't talk to me about Elvin.

- Mom.
- Yes?

Shh. She might hear you.

We think there might
have been foul play.

You've gotta get in
there and ask Sondra

what she did with Elvin.

Why?

Because of what Gene
Tierney did to Cornel Wilde.

What are you two talking about?

Hey, everybody.

[both scream] Elvin!

Hi.

[dinner chatter]

Yeah? Now we're talking
medicine. Go ahead.

I'm a little nervous,
but it's a job.

All right. Honey, could
you pass the sugar?

- So, anyway...
- Thank you.

I'm really worried about this
because I hear that they're placing

much more emphasis on the
essays at law schools these days.

Sorry to interrupt you again.
Could you pass the cream?

Thank you.

[Cliff imitates wind]

Well, this was certainly
a delicious dinner.

Good as the one
you had last night?

[laughs]

Much better, in fact.

Last night's dinner
was not very good at all.

In fact, this was so great,
I'd like to do all the dishes.

- How about that?
- Elvin, you don't have to do that.

I know, I insist.

Mom, can we go and
talk in the living room?

It's a little noisy in here.

- If you like.
- That sounds like a great idea.

Why don't you ladies just go
in there and chat a bit, and...

Dad, Sondra has
not spoken to me,

or even looked at
me since last night.

Well, I heard what
you did last night.

Dad, I didn't really
do anything wrong.

I mean, I came in a
little late, but I called her.

I called her from the restaurant.
She said, "Stay and enjoy yourselves."

Two women.

Dad, when Sondra told me that
she couldn't go to dinner with us,

I told her that I
would stay home.

And she said... I
remember exactly...

She said, "I think you should
go and have a good time."

Then, I told her
again I'd stay home.

And she said, "Go."

Three times, Dad, we did this.

And finally I said,
"Okay, I'll go."

And I went.

With two women.

You know, you are a
very intelligent man,

but you are dumb!

What do you mean, dumb?

Two women, man.

Do you think that
Sondra wanted you to go?

Dad, she said to go.

It doesn't make any
difference if she says "go."

If your wife says "go," you
should know that she meant "no."

That's your job!

What's my job?

Your job is to know

that when your wife says
"yes," she means "no!"

Dad, to do that, I'd
have to be psychic.

It's impossible.

How am I really supposed to
know whether she means yes or no?

Let me put it to you this way.

Let's say that three
weeks, a year from now,

a female that you used to
just sit and have coffee with

calls up and says,
"How about dinner?"

Your wife says, "I'm
busy. But, darling, you go."

What are you going to do?

I'm going to be very psychic.

So at 10:00, I had to
stop working on my essay,

get dressed,
bundle up the twins,

drive over here, drop
off Rudy and Vanessa,

and then drive back.

And then I spent another half hour trying
to get the babies to go back to sleep,

when he had promised that
he would be home by 9:30.

Sondra, someday you're going
to make a wonderful attorney.

Why is that?

Because you just summed up a
case against Elvin that is so airtight,

not only would the jury convict
him, they'd lock him up for good.

Well, I 'm glad that you agree.

I didn't say I agreed with you.

See, I think you're just as much to
blame as Elvin, probably even more.

- What?
- Sit down.

Now, when Elvin suggested
that he stay home with you

and not go to dinner with
Iris, you told him to go.

That's right.

Were you annoyed at all that he
was going to dinner with two women?

- No.
- This is me you're talking to.

You think about this.

Did it bother you at all that he was
going to dinner with two women?

Okay, maybe a little.

But you insisted that he go.

Well, yes, Mom, because I thought that
he was going to insist harder that he stay.

- You told him to go.
- Yes, but...

You were not honest with him, and
you were not honest with yourself.

So, when he came home late, you
went from being bothered to angry.

And when he brought those two women
in the house and you looked at them,

you went from being
angry to furious.

Now, I would
suggest in the future,

you gonna go around
declaring war on your husband,

you better take a little
stock in yourself, young lady,

and see what part you
had in starting that war.

Well, maybe I should go in
there to help him wash dishes.

Sit down.

Don't forget, the man was late.

And the women were attractive.

And I forgot to tell you,
he paid for their dinner also.

Oh, we'll make him
wash the pots for that too.

Shh, listen, Nelson, Nelson,

you could go to the South
Pole and not be cold, huh?

Sondra, did you used to help Mom
dress me like this when I was little?

Yes, but you
never sat still for it.

Okay, car's out front. Let's
go. Don't wanna be late.

- Elvin, could you do me a favor?
- Yes.

Instead of all of us driving to
the hospital and dropping you off,

could you drop me and the
babies off at the apartment first?

- Yeah, sure.
- Oh, I'm really tired.

- I know it's out of your way.
- Anything you want, honey.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Did you see that?
They must've made up.

They're in love again.

Isn't love wonderful?

Wait a minute. What?

In the movie Conflict,

Humphrey Bogart pretends
to be in love with his wife,

but he's actually in
love with Alexis Smith.

So, he rigs the
brakes to his wife's car

so that they'll
give out on a hill.

Sondra asked Elvin if she
could be dropped off first.

Elvin's going to be
in the car all alone.

[both scream] Mom!

♪♪ [theme]

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