The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 6, Episode 12 - Getting to Know You - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

This is the best elevator
music I've ever heard.

Excuse me? The hostess
asked us to share a table.

You mind? Oh, no. No.

I'm waiting for someone but
he hasn't arrived yet. Please.

I'm Torrie. This
is my friend, Fran.

Hi. I'm Martin. Hi.

So, Martin, are you
a student at NYU?

No, I'm an engineer in the Navy.

- Oh, you must be an officer.
- Yes, I am. I'm a lieutenant.

We're grad students
at NYU... Psychology.



You know, I've been waiting
about 20 minutes for a menu.

Why don't I just
get up and get one?

Excuse me. Oh, okay.

That man is mine,

and don't you fight
me on this one.

Not so fast. Did you see this man
has a wedding ring on his left hand?

No. No. Yes!

I refuse to believe that that gorgeous
engineer lieutenant is married.

Ask him.

They're out of menus.
Can you believe it?

[chuckles]

So Martin, I'd like to
ask you something.

Sure. If I told you that

we were having a party
tonight at the graduate center,



would you like to come... alone?

- No.
- Who would you like to bring?

- My wife.
- I told you.

- All the good ones are taken.
- Oh, I don't know.

I've heard that there are
a couple left, someplace.

Do you know a few? [laughs]

Personally? Addresses.

- The Navy is full of them.
- Full of them. Okay.

Hey, Dad! Hey.

Fran and Torrie, this is my
father-in-law, Dr. Huxtable.

Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you. How are you.

The place is so crowded that the
waitress asked them to sit with me.

Well, if you got to make someone
sit with you, this is a wonderful choice.

Oh, yes! [laughs]

- It wasn't a very good choice for us.
- Really?

Martin led us on, and made
us believe he wasn't married.

[laughs] No, no, no, no.

- Don't do that.
- She's just kidding.

Okay, okay.

And I see that wedding
ring on your finger?

Oh, yes. This is 26
years of wonderful times.

Wonderful times.

This is five months a
year of wonderful times.

Wonderful times. Yes, indeed.

[coughs] Hiya, Dad!

Hey, Son! Hey, Theo!

This is my son, Theo!

Theo. Hi. Nice to
meet you, Theo. Hi.

Hi. Your father
and brother-in-law

have been leading us on,
pretending they're not married.

No. [chuckles]

Say, that's not...
That's not true at all.

As a matter of fact, he
is an eligible bachelor.

In fact, you should think of taking
Theo to that party you mentioned.

Party? Oh! [laughing]

- What party is this?
- It's for graduate students.

Graduate, undergraduate,
what's the difference?

Um, I just meant that I
thought you might be a little yo...

That you might
feel a little young...

Let's not discriminate
against young people here.

I mean, younger
men have a lot to offer.

Really?

Yes, in fact, studies show that
women live longer than men, right?

Well, an older woman

should get involved with a
younger man, because that way,

they'll check out
at the same time.

Well, Theo, you present
a very intelligent argument

as to why we should
take you to this party.

Oh, okay. Cool. [chuckling]

Hey, and bring
your older sisters.

[laughing] Waitress? Waitress?

Can I take your order? Yes.

I would like to buy this
young man a cappuccino.

Why? Because studies show that
young men also have no money.

[laughing]

Denise, guess what? What?

When I was Christmas
shopping with Vanessa yesterday,

I saw Santa three times! [gasps]

- You did? You saw Santa three times?
- Yes.

He was standing on the sidewalk,

he was in the store, and
he was on the escalator.

Wow. Santa gets around
pretty quick, doesn't he?

No, let me tell you. These
were three different Santas.

Oh.

One was black.

Say "African-American," okay?

Okay. One was white... [laughs]

Honey, say Caucasian.

- What?
- Cau... casian.

Caw-caw... Well,
anyway, one was Chinese.

I want you to say "Asian."

Well, they were
three different Santas.

[chuckles] Okay.

Now which one
was the real Santa?

See, no one has really
ever seen the real Santa,

'cause he always comes
down when we're sleeping.

But I do know this:
he has lots of workers

from all over the world,

and some of them
are African-American,

and some of them are Caucasian,
and some of them are Asian.

All kinds.

I'm not asking about the
workers, I'm asking about Santa.

What is he?

Santa helps children
from all over the world.

So he has a little bit of
everyone inside of him.

- Is that why he's so fat?
- [laughing]

- I'm about ready to leave.
- Hey.

Your sisters are putting their
finishing touches on Elvin's outfit.

Ooh.

Here you go. Hey!

- Hi, Daddy!
- Hey, Sparky, give me some sugar!

- Mmm!
- Mom, Denise.

I would keep an eye on
your husbands, if I were you.

I walk into the Café de Balzac,
and guess who is sitting there

at a table with two
gorgeous women?

- Who?
- Dad and Martin.

That's right.

Theo, I asked you not to
make a big deal out of this.

Honey, the place was crowded,
so the girls had to sit at our table.

- Uh-huh.
- Yes.

And I do believe that if we had
not shown them our wedding rings,

those two young ladies were
going to take us out to a party tonight.

That's very nice, Cliff. Come
on, girls. Let's go shopping.

No, wait. Wait a minute. I
just told you that a gorgeous girl

wanted to run off with me,

and that's all you can say is,
"Come on, girls, let's go shopping"?

You could never have
done such a thing.

- Why?
- Never in a million years.

For two very good
reasons. First of all,

you would never be
interested in another woman.

Well, that's right. Now,
what's the second one?

She probably thought
you were too old.

[Martin guffaws]

Dad, wait till you see
what we did to Elvin.

He's supposed
to look like an elf

when he goes to visit
the children at the hospital.

Now, he only wanted to wear tights,
but we made him an entire outfit.

He truly is an elf.

Okay, now, everybody. He's
feeling a little self-conscious.

So when he comes down here,
I want you all to really play it up.

Make him feel good.

Elvin?

I'm not coming down.

Oh, come on, honey.
You're going to be late.

Come on, honey.
You look fantastic.

Dad, Martin, Theo,
doesn't he look terrific?

I'm studying to be a doctor
to earn people's respect.

I volunteered, out of the
goodness of my heart,

to give presents to
kids in the hospital,

and they said I had to
wear tights and a hat.

A simple hat, and some tights.

No, my wife, and her sisters, for
reasons I will never understand,

have all conspired
to humiliate me!

Elvin, if you're
going to be an elf,

you should be the
best elf you can be.

[laughs]

Well, I guess it's for a good
cause, right? So I should do it.

Yeah. I'll do it.

I just don't know how
I'm ever going to look

the guys in the eye
at the hospital again.

But Elvin... Elvin, you
just have to ask yourself,

"Am I a man, or am I an elf?"

[laughing] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, don't listen to him,
honey. You're a man and an elf.

Come on, everybody,
and get your coats.

Theo, we're going
shopping. You want to join us?

No, but you can drop
me off at Howard's.

Elvin, there's no
one out in the street.

Oh, yeah? You can go out now.

Thanks, kid.

Oh, man, I must have been tired.
I hit that sofa, I was out like that.

Yeah, I know. I was going
to sleep on that couch myself.

Oh, I'm sorry. You should
have said something.

I did, but you were snoring.

No more apple juice.

[sighs]

Really had a taste
for some apple juice.

Can we share?

Might as well.
You took the sofa.

Thank you.

So...

This afternoon, we met
at the Café de Balzac.

Now, we're sitting
around the kitchen table.

Guess you could say
this is our day together.

- Okay.
- It's been about four months

since I first met you, and I don't
really have the feeling that I know you.

I'm Cliff. [laughs]

See? See, you are funny.

You have this way of
making people laugh.

I admire that.

You know, Dr. Huxtable, I
really, really love your daughter,

and I want you to know that
this is a great family to live with,

and I really appreciate
everything you've done for us.

- Really?
- And I want to apologize, once again,

for marrying your daughter
without you knowing about it.

I'm sure it came
as quite a surprise.

Surprised? I was shocked.

I didn't even have a
chance to reject you.

You would not have rejected me.

Suppose I'd had a
shotgun, and I said,

"Don't come through this door."

I would have said, "Open fire."

You can take my life,
but you can't take my love.

- Pretty good.
- Yeah.

You knew my daughter
only two weeks.

And then you got married.

Now, in the course
of that two weeks,

did, um... Oh! [laughs]

Oh, boy.

I don't know if I should be
sharing that with you, Dr. Huxtable.

Yes, you should.

When I first met Denise,

I was very attracted to
her, because she is... hot.

I mean, no disrespect intended.

It's all right, it's just...
Watch your mouth.

Okay. All right. Anyway,

uh, I can't believe I'm
telling you this, but, uh...

You should.

I really wanted to, uh...

Yeah, yeah, be careful.

Express myself
physically with her.

Can I say that?

Yeah, but you're borderline.

Okay.

But you'll be happy to know that
Denise was having none of that.

Really? On our wedding night,

I discovered that,
of the two of us,

only one of us had
had prior experience,

and as you know, I'm
the one with the daughter.

So you're telling me... that...

my daughter... Yup.

Hah!

Hey! Watch out.

- Yes!
- So, this is what

Lieutenant Junior Grade's
uniform looked like in the 1950s.

That's right. Ten-hut!

At ease, sailor.

Wait a minute. I outrank
you, Lieutenant Junior Grade.

- Not in my house.
- Oh.

[chuckles]
Dr. Huxtable, I must say,

this is very sharp,
very, very sharp.

Well, thank you very
much, and I especially

loved wearing
this on foreign soil.

Oh, I didn't know
you were overseas.

Oh, yes, indeed, and found
myself in some pretty hot spots, too.

- No kidding. Where?
- Oh, yeah. Ste. Croix, Bermuda...

Hey!

Hey, Elvin, how'd it go?

Well, listen, I have to admit,
when they asked me to do this,

I really didn't want to do it.

Then when I saw this costume,
I really didn't want to do it.

But I'll tell you, when
I got to the hospital,

I saw the smiles on
the faces of those kids...

It was unbelievable. I loved it!
I'm going back again tomorrow.

You know, I was so good
that I upstaged Santa Claus?

Man, he... he was pitiful.

I mean, I was Elvin the Elf.
He was Santa the Sad Sack.

It was great! I was so good
that one of the patient's fathers,

Dr. Ventura, asked me to do
his daughter's birthday party.

I'm getting a hundred bucks!

All I can say is,

[affected voice] "It's
great to be Elvin the Elf!"

[affected voice] Well,
I got to go change.

Yeah. Yeah.

[normal voice] I hate to get out of
this costume, though. I really love it!

[squeaky exclamations]

Come on, I'll buy
you an apple juice.

- We drank the last one, remember?
- Oh, that's all right.

Then we'll get something
healthy, like ice cream.

Oh, I'll scoop. All right. Yeah.

You know... I
must tell you that...

I've enjoyed your company today.

Starting with the two women?
At the coffee place, you know?

And I really do like you. I do.

I think that the only thing
that's missing, though,

is, I feel robbed.

Robbed? See, when
Sondra got married,

you see, I gave her away,
because I'm the father, you see?

I... I didn't, in the beginning,
want to give her away to Elvin.

[chuckles]

No, because... I
mean, I said, "Elvin?"

But now, after knowing him...
You know, forget the elf stuff...

Because he's... he's wonderful.

But with Denise, she comes home,

and is married, and
what's missing is,

I didn't give her away!
I'm sorry about that.

I wish there was
something I could do.

Well, who gave her away?

Uh, Mufaro.

Mu who?

- Mufaro.
- Mufaro.

He was a man from
a nearby village.

He had many goats.

A man with many goats

gave my daughter
away in my place?

I'm afraid so.

Would it make
you feel any better

if I told you that the goats
weren't at the wedding?

No.

Daddy, we're back from shopping.

Hey, I'm glad.
'Cause I missed you.

Where's Denise?

Getting everything
out of the car.

We bought lots of stuff. Ooh!

Good. I'm going to go help.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mrs. Huxtable will see.

- She doesn't want us eating.
- Oh, yeah.

Shh!

Thank you.

[blows raspberry]

So, how did shopping go?

Good. I saw Santa again today.

Yeah, yeah. You see Santa Claus a
lot this time of the year. Yes, indeed.

The Santa I saw was
not the real Santa.

Right. Real Santa's
at the North Pole.

Have you ever
seen the real Santa?

Of course I have!

Every year, he comes
down the chimney

in my house, and he
says, "Dr. Huxtable!

How are you? Ho, ho, ho!"

What does he look like?

He's got, uh, rosy cheeks...

beard, and... a
twinkle in his eye.

Um, is he Caucasian,
or "Afric-American"?

Or Asian?

Santa Claus... is...
whatever... uh...

you are in that house.

See...

when he comes down the chimney,

um, let's say that
you were Japanese.

He would be... Zoom! Japanese.

See? And then, and then
he would come in here,

same Santa Claus... Zoom!

African American.

I was over to, uh,
Mr. Jefferson's house...

He's Caucasian, you
know? And I'm sitting there.

Mr. Jefferson had left, Santa
Claus came down... Zoom!

He was Caucasian. Looked
at me, he said, "Uh-oh."

Hear what I'm saying?

So-So-So...

So I said, "It's all right. He'll
be downstairs in a minute."

And we gave a high five.

You're making no
sense, Dr. Huxtable.

No one can change like that.

Are you telling me
that Santa Claus,

the man who makes
toys for little kids,

the man who knows if
you're naughty or nice,

doesn't have the
ability to change?

What color is he
at the North Pole?

You have to ask
Mrs. Santa Claus.

Well, I want to talk
to Mrs. Santa Claus.

Do you have her phone number?

Yes. Because adults
have the phone number

to the Santa Claus house.

Because if little girls and boys had
it, they'd be calling every five minutes:

"Oh, Santa Claus, can I have
this, Santa Claus, can I have that."

And you better just
stop bothering me

before I call Santa and give
him a bad report about you.

No, no. Don't do that.

Yeah. Well, then,
you better prove to me

that you're a good girl.

- I'm good! I'm good!
- Yeah, well, you have to prove it to me.

- You have to do something.
- What?

Mop this floor.

Okay. Where do
I start? I'm ready.

I don't believe this.

Give me the mop, please.

See... Sit down and
eat your ice cream...

You kids are all alike. Every
time around Christmas time,

you'll do anything...

"Oh, I'll mop the floor.

"Oh, I'll do the windows.
Oh, I'll wash the car.

Oh, I'll do anything."

And then, somewhere around
April, I say, "Mop the floor..."

"Oh! But I'm just a little kid!

Oh! I'm just so tired! Oh!"

Well, at least I don't eat ice
cream when I'm not supposed to.

[Clair] Cliff! Cliff?

Denise will be there, and
then when I give you the cue...

[clears throat]

What's going on?

Now, you just take
your daughter's arm.

And cue!

♪♪ [humming "Wedding March"]

And would you please
escort the bride to the altar?

♪♪ [humming continues]

Now, even though we're already
married, there's something missing.

A man by the name of Mufaro
gave this woman, Denise Huxtable,

away to me, Martin Kendall.

Unfortunately, the
only thing he could

realistically give away
were his many goats.

Now, is there a man in the room who
would like to give his daughter away?

Ah, here's a
gentleman right here.

Please, give her away.

[chuckles]

This is not a loan. [laughs]

Do you, Denise, take me, Martin,

to be your husband?
I already did.

Do you, Martin, take
me, Denise, as your wife?

I already did.

Now I may kiss the bride. Ooh!

Mmm. Stop.

[giggling, cheering]

Oh, wait. Wait, wait,
wait. Where are you going?

- Honeymoon.
- [Women] Whoo!

Yes! No.

♪♪ [theme]

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