The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 9 - If the Dress Fits, Wear It - full transcript

♪♪

♪♪

Bobby Joe bails
off that Brahma bull.

He's up and over the fence.

Great rodeo action here today.

Next up, hailing from Waco,
Texas, Buck McPherson.

All right, Buck! You
go and ride that bull!

That's one angry Brahma bull.

Ooh.

Hi, Cliff.

Hey, hon. How you doing?



You remember my friend
Barbara, the dressmaker.

Hello, Cliff. Hello, my lady.

Oh! My heavens.

Cliff, could you watch
this downstairs, please?

Barbara just finished my
dress, and I want to try it on.

Yeah, well, I just wanna
watch Buck ride the bull, dear.

Give me this.

By the time I gotta it
on, he'll be out of here.

Why can't I stay up
here and see the dress?

Because I wanna
surprise you when I wear it

to the hospital benefit
on Saturday night.

Yeah, but, honey, I've
seen that dress already.

You think you've
seen that dress.

I've just covered it in
smashing gold beads.



Listen to Clair. Hit the road.

Buck is down!

Good-bye, Cliff.

That was a Jim Dandy of a ride.

Let's watch it one more
time in slow motion.

You know, I've always
wondered about the fascination

American men
have with riding bulls.

Very curious.

See, you wouldn't understand
because you're from England.

You all chase after the foxes.

Why can't I stay in
and see the dress?

You want to see the dress
wearing those clothes?

What's the matter
with these clothes?

Your wife is about to walk out of
that door in a spectacular outfit.

What you're wearing
is perfectly acceptable,

if you were going to a
dance in a men's locker room.

Well, I hope the dress
is as sharp as your wit.

It is.

I'm going downstairs to have a
spot of tea and kippered herring...

on chitterlings.

Oh!

All right, darling, you
can come out now.

Barbara, when you put
those gold beads on this dress,

did you do anything else to it?

No. Why?

I don't know. I just...

I can't get it to zip up.

When I put it on four months
ago, it fit just fine, but...

The dress is the same
size. Perhaps you're not.

Please. There's no way I could
have gained that much weight.

The zipper probably
just needs some wax.

Come on. Help me
get it up, please?

All right. All right. Exhale.

Could you exhale
a little further?

Uhh! It won't go any further.

How much weight do you think I
have to lose to get into this dress?

Well, if you lost three
pounds, you could get into it.

If you lost five pounds, you
could get into it and walk.

When is this hospital benefit?

Next Saturday.

Oh, darling! You're telling me you
can lose five pounds in six days?

Yeah. If I diet and exercise,

I can lose five
pounds in six days

and Cliff would never
know anything about it.

Why?

He'd be very supportive about
you trying to lose this weight.

He's a very sensitive man.

Yeah, that's what you think
'cause you don't know him.

See, I've been after him for
ten years about his weight.

I finally get him to the
point where he looks good

and then I can't
get into this dress?

I'll never hear the end of it.

So this is going to stay within
these four walls, you got that?

Mum's the word.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Haven't see you
in this class before.

Never came before.

Just started coming. I'm
going to get myself in shape.

I think you're going to like this class.
We have some very nice teachers.

Good.

There's only one you have to
watch out for. Emma Newhouse.

She wears this leopard headband.

The woman is the
meanest thing on two feet.

The woman gets pleasure
out of making you suffer.

We have a nickname for her.

Captain Bone Crusher.

Hello, Kay. I'm so glad
you could be here today.

Come on, baby,
stretch and stretch.

There we go.

Good afternoon all you
sagging hunks of flesh.

I can see you've been munching
those chocolate bonbons

and licking that
gourmet ice cream.

And looks like some of y'all
have been going back for seconds.

Remember how you been saying,
"I'll enjoy it now and pay later?"

Let me introduce myself.

I'm later.

Up on your feet, ladies!

♪♪

Breathe in... And stretch.

And stretch... and down.

And lunge. Come on,
Kay. Come on, baby, work it!

And up! Again! And stretch it!

Come on! Stretch it!

And down! And lunge!

Work that thigh!
Work that thigh!

Down... and up!

Contract, release.
Contract, release.

Contract, release.
Contract, release.

Come on, ladies!

You're paying to be
here, so let's work it!

You've got to
burn it... to earn it!

You've got to
sweat it... to get it!

You've got to
shake it... to make it!

Now knees up! Up!

Come on! Yeah!

Come on, come on, honey.
You, you, you, in that Deco leotard.

- Who? Me?
- Yeah, baby!

Come on, get them
knees up! Up! Up!

I saw that. Don't be
rolling your eyes at me.

I'm not the one whose
thighs got a mind of their own,

looking like two
pigs in a blanket.

Are those potato chips
around your waist? Come on!

Oh! You didn't like that?

Yeah! Come on, show
me! Show me! Show me!

Take me to the river!

Oh! Yeah! Oh! Yeah!

Can you feel it?

Oh, I didn't hear everybody.

I guess you need an
extra five minutes...

We can feel it!

No, it's too late!

We're gonna do the
extra five. Now jump!

Pump! Pump! Pump! Pump! Pump!

Come on! Pump! Pump!

Hey, where'd that
Deco leotard go to?

Uh, Betty?

Three feet to your left.

Everybody keep going.

A-ha! I've got a special friend.

You're gonna be one
of my special students.

Come on, everybody!

I want y'all to watch
Fantasia jump. Come on!

And knees! Come on! Knees!

Up! Up! Faster!
Faster! Faster! Faster!

Pump it! Pump it!

Yeah! This is the goal!

Knees! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Are you sure you're okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm just taking a breather.

Don't worry.

This is what everybody feels
like after a first class with Emma.

You'll be fine...
in about a month.

Thanks a lot.

Anyone left in this room
automatically has to take my next class.

I knew that would get you.

I would love to stay
and take your next class.

Unfortunately, I
have an appointment.

An appointment where?
At the Dairy Queen?

Excuse me.

I paid for the exercise,
but not for the abuse.

The abuse is free.

You see, I know your type.

You're one of those rich ladies
that comes in here to lose weight

just so she can fit into
some fancy new dress.

Well, that shows you how much you
know. The dress is not new, it's old.

Well, how much weight
do you need to lose?

Five pounds... in six days.

Five pounds in six days?

Honey, those are the
miracles you pray for.

Get down on your knees now.

Now you wait a minute!

It is very important to me
that I get into this dress,

and whatever have to
do, I am willing to do it.

I might need a
little personal help.

So would you like
to be my trainer?

I'm not getting involved with a
woman who has no self-control.

I have self-control.

You'd have to exercise
four hours a day

I'll exercise five hours a day.

You'll have to go
on a very strict diet.

The stricter the better.

You'll eat three and a
half ounces of protein,

one and a half cups
of fresh vegetables,

no salt, no sugar, and ten
glasses of distilled water.

That's pretty strict.

You got a problem with that?

No, because I'm a good dieter...
as long as I can splurge once.

I mean, one night. Come on.

I got a weakness
for Mexican food.

You know,
quesadillas, guacamole.

You see, guacamole butt?
I knew it, no self-control.

Forget about the
Mexican food, all right?

Now whatever the diet
and whatever the exercise,

you just bring it on,
because I am here to work.

And I'm going to look so
good when we're finished.

I'm gonna make my own video:
The Clair Huxtable Workout.

And I'm not going to give you a copy.
You're going to have to buy your own.

Well, hold on now.

Take that jacket off. My
next class is about to start.

Now you're talking.

Okay, so where is everybody?

You're it.

Come on!

Come on! Come on, honey!

Show me something!

And work it!

And knees up! Up! Up!

Up! Up! Up!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Dinner smells delicious.

Thank you very much.

Oh, yeah, Dad. Usually
we got out for Mexican food.

Oh, this is gonna be even better

than what we get at
El Grande Restaurant.

Might.

Dad, you even made guacamole
and quesadillas, Mom's favorite.

She's gonna love you for this.

I had your mother in mind
when I made this decision.

Buenos días!

My little flower!

Grrung! Grrung!
Grrung gung-gung!

Grrung grrung gung-gung!

What do you smell...

coming from the kitchen?

Huh?

What is it?

Mexican food. Sí.

I want you to know that in
honor of being your husband,

I love you so much,
I decided to recreate

the entire menu of El
Grande Restaurante.

I am making the conchitos los
vitos, El Grande meal for you.

I am taking the
pork from the pig

that was killed
while it was alive.

I have diced it so fine.

Put it on the skillet
with the butter.

Two, three pounds of butter.

You could hear...

And then I took a
jalapeño pepper...

Grrung! Grrung!
Grrung grrung-gung!

Threw it into the grease
and pulled out right away.

Two-second jalapeño
pepper in the butter,

with the oink flesh
sizzling and crackling.

"Oh, my goodness," I said.
"My wife loves this meal."

She says, "Oh, Cliff, this
restaurant is out of this world."

And so I have it for you,
my dear. What do you say?

I am not hungry.

What?

But listen... I made guacamole.

I made... I made
with my own hands...

from the same recipe of
the man who gave it to me,

this man, who made the
tortillas, 107 years old,

ground the corn
with his own knuckles.

He ground the corn so
fine to make the tortilla,

and then to put on the tortilla
some double Monterey Jack...

cheese to melt over them!

What say you, my love?

I'm not hungry.

You say... what?

I have made a
guacamole sauce for you.

Guacamole. The avocados were handheld
on the plain by Mrs. ""mole" herself,

who brought the guacas and
said "Please, Dr. Huxtable,

make this for your
beautiful wife."

What say you? What
say you? What say you?

I'm gonna go to my
room and have a carrot.

What?

Say you a carrot?

Well, okay.

Hey, kids!

Get ready for some Mexican food!

Yay!

♪♪

Aah!

Push! Push! Push!

It's all right, Cliff. Huh?

It's okay, hon. It's
just a little leg cramp.

It's okay now. Okay.

Go back to sleep.

I don't know what that was.

I know.

Aah! Hey! What's going on?

What's the matter, dear?

Dear! What... Oh, okay. Cramp.

Yes. No, let me
straighten it out, hon.

I gotta straighten it out.

Come on. I gotta
straighten it out.

There you go. Now
that should feel better.

I'm fine. Don't touch it.

I'm fine. I haven't
done a thing.

I know you're fine. Thank you.

I haven't done a
thing. But I'm fine.

All right. Okay.

I really am. Just lay here.

I'm fine. You okay?

Maybe if you let me just rub it?

No, no, no, no, no!
Don't touch it. It's fine.

You've never had this before.

It's okay. It's all right.

You all right? I'm fine.

Where you going? I'm
going to the bathroom.

Bathroom? All right.

See? I just have to walk
on it. Be a little careful.

Aah!

Are you all right?
You all right?

Okay. Okay.

Please don't touch it.
Please, just leave me be.

What has happened to you?
How did you get like this?

This is no time for
ridiculous questions.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

All right. Now come
on. Let's get up. No.

I think... I'm gonna
sleep right here.

You just throw some
covers on me. I'll be fine.

All right, dear. We'll do that.

Just throw some covers
on you, and we'll...

This will be fun. Just
like we're camping out.

Just don't touch me.
No, I won't touch you.

Just like we're camping out.

Come on, Clair! Come on!

One more lap around the counter!
That's it! Go for the gold, girl!

Push it! Push it! Pump it!

All right! Take a break!

It's lunchtime.

Food!

Oh, I have these
beautiful salads I prepared.

Clair, you're doing
so beautifully.

Baby, by tomorrow, you going
to be able to jog that last mile.

And before you know it that
weight's just going to come flying off.

And I have a special treat
for the both of us today.

Croutons.

Croutons!

Yes, croutons.

Some for you...
and the rest for me.

Bon appetit.

Don't touch that salad.

What's the matter?

I have five croutons
and you have seven.

Dear, I'm not the one that
has to lose three more pounds.

I want my crouton. I'm serious.

All right. All right.
Look, look, look,

I'll take two out of my salad,

I'll throw them away.

Then we'll both be even.

You are not gonna
throw away my croutons!

Look, look, look, look!
Now look what you did!

Now neither one of
us gets to eat them.

Wanna bet?

What are you doing
up? It's 5:00 in the morn...

Yes, it's 5:00 in the morning,

and you're supposed to be
at the hospital delivering twins.

I delivered them already.

Well, go back and get some more.

Ahh.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that I came down here
to eat all this up. Well, you're wrong.

Really?

I didn't want it to spoil, so I
came down here to cook it up.

♪♪

Shut up!

Now, I've had one
bite, but that's all.

Mm-hmm.

And how do you know that
I wasn't cooking it for you?

- Because...
- Shut up!

You don't have to worry
about me. I have self-control.

It's you we have to worry about.

So don't you be down
here eating up this food.

Now there, I've cooked it up, I've
turned it off, and I've put it back.

And I am going to bed hungry,

and I do hope you're satisfied.

Shut up.

♪♪

- Clair?
- Yes?

Come on, dear, we're going
to be late for the benefit now.

No, we're not
because I'm not going.

What do you... What do
you mean you're not going?

I have nothing to wear.

Okay, listen.

I understand what
this is all about.

You gained some
weight. So don't...

Don't ask me how I found out,

but I know you can't fit into that
dress that Barbara made, okay?

So it's not the end
of the world, okay?

What do you know about anything!

I know that you have many dresses
in that closet that you can get into.

And you look
beautiful in all of them!

Now put on the, uh... the
pink chiffon strapless thing.

No!

Well, put on that red thing with
the back cut all the way back

where you said when you
wore it you were a red-hot mama.

No!

Okay, what about the
green thing all the way

up to the neck with the
little bow in the back?

You see?

I don't even have a dress like
that. That's your mother's dress.

Well, go get it from her!

Cliff, I'm not going!

Look, you are
going! I'm sick of this!

Now... Just because
you're a grandmother

and you're uptight about
fitting into some dress...

I'm telling you that I'm tired!

Now you're gonna
put on something...

And I don't care! I'm
tearing this door down now!

Are you ordering
me to do something?

If you see this door
fall down, you'll know!

All right, all right.
Let's not get vicious.

You come on! We'll go...

Why don't you...

Look at you!

Look carefully, dear.

Notice that I am not
wearing artificial supports...

- No. And I can...
- breathe.

You're kidding.

And I can move. I hope so.

And I can do any
dance you fling at me.

Ho ho! I love it. I
believe I want to kiss you.

No, no, no, no! You're
gonna mess up my makeup.

I'm not gonna mess up... I'm
just gonna do it with my lips.

No, you're not. I know
you better than that.

Well, you're gonna need me.
You might cramp up tonight.

"Oh, Cliff!
Cliff! Cliff! Cliff!"

♪♪

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.

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