The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 10 - Is There a Hamster in the House? - full transcript

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He's so cute.

Are all hamsters that cute?

No. I think Darren's the cutest.

Can I hold him again? Sure.

Hoo-hoo.

Climb, Darren, climb!

I can't take him out to
play at my grandma's.

Why not? She has allergies.

Big gray bumps that
blotch out all over her face.



Well, you little, chubby
little, cute little thing.

Do you think I could leave Darren
here until I get back tomorrow?

I don't think so. My dad doesn't
like any animals in the house.

Does he blotch out?

No.

Then let me ask him.

I can be very convincing.

Go ahead and try.

Carolyn, it's, uh, 5:00.

When is your...
Where's that animal?

Where is it? Where?

Right here. I have it.

All right.

All right.



Uh, Dr. Huxtable?

Yes. Can I ask you a question?

Sure. Why do you hate animals?

I don't hate animals.

Who told you that
I hate animals?

I'd rather not
reveal my sources.

Dad, you never
let us have animals.

I love animals.

That's why I don't
want 'em in this house.

Goldfish... in this house...

float at the top of the bowl.

Because children who live here,

they keep feedin'
and feedin' and feedin',

and then I come home,

and I see the goldfish...

Do you understand?
In this house,

a dog just lays there

after not being fed or
anything for two days

and says, "Dr. Huxtable,

My kingdom for a bowl of water."

But, Dad, I was
only a little kid then.

Can Darren spend the night?

Yeah, Dad. It's
only for one night.

Please, Dr. Huxtable?

Darren doesn't eat anything.

He has food and water
in his cage already.

He's childproof.

Please, Daddy? Please?

- Please?
- Please, Dr. Huxtable?

He'll be awful lonely all
by himself at my house.

Please.

Aw, no, no.

You guys are the worst.

Okay. Okay. 24 hours.

But after that, I'm
shutting the doors

on Huxtable Hamster Hotel.

Yes! Yes!

Ah.

Dad, you are so unfair.

What are you talkin' about?

I was just in Rudy's room,
and I saw the hamster.

You never let me have a pet.

And now you go behind
my back, and you do this.

Go behind your back?

I don't have to go behind
your back to do somethin'.

If I want to do somethin',
I'll do it in front of your back.

That is not Rudy's pet.

She's hamster-sitting.

Hey, what's up?

How you doin', man?

Dad let Rudy have a hamster.

I didn't let Rudy
have a hamster!

I just finished tellin' you that!
What is the matter with you?

What happens afterwards
when the hamster has to go back

and Rudy starts crying about
how much she misses it?

You're gonna see her tears,
and you're gonna cave in.

Well, I'll have you know,
I have a fine reputation

for not caving in.

Your sister Sondra
wanted a pony.

I did not cave in.

Denise wanted a monkey.

I did not cave in.

You tried to get us to get a dog

by using Rudy and
sayin' she wanted one.

I did not cave in.

And I'm not caving
in now, so there.

Whatever made you so
heartless toward animals?

Uh, Vanessa,
I'll tell you later.

Now... Now, what are you
gonna tell somebody later what?

Dad, I know what happened.

Grandpa told me all about
the traumatic experience

you had as a kid.

What traumatic experience?

See, Vanessa, that's
called repression.

We learned about it
in psychology class.

Dad is blocking the memory
of it because it was so horrible.

Your pet bird... Charlie?

Oh, Charlie.

Tell me.

Charlie.

See, Dad had this parakeet.

It was not a parakeet.

It was a finch.

I used to open the cage, and...

he'd fly out, just chirpin'
all over the place.

One day, I came home, and, uh...

I was...

getting ready to
put on my sneakers,

and I sat down
on, uh... on the bed.

What happened?

I heard a chirp.

Sort of like a muffled chirp.

You killed Charlie?

No, I didn't kill Charlie.

I...

I just... I just sat on him.

And... from that point on, he...

I swear, whenever...
he would see me...

he wouldn't chirp.

I'd come down the hallway,

and I'd hear him chirp,
chirp, chirping away,

and as soon I'd come in
and he'd looked at me...

he just stopped chirping.

And then he would
look at me like this.

Dad.

All of these years you've
been keeping that inside?

You shouldn't be
torturing yourself like this.

You're a good man. You
never sat on any of us.

Ah, boy.

Good night, Cliff.

Good night, my darling.

Ahh.

There we go. There we go.

Right there. Boom.

Mmm...

Mmm... Cliff? Mm-hmm?

Your leg is crushing me.

Oh, yeah?

Well, 20 years ago,
it wasn't crushing you.

20 years ago, your
leg was a lot lighter.

Oh, yeah? Well,
20 years ago, you...

were, uh, were...

were not as
beautiful as you are...

Take your hands off me, woman.

Mommy! Daddy!

Come in, honey.

I think Darren's sick.

He is?

He won't run
around on his wheel.

No, he's not sick,
dear. He's smart.

He knows that runnin'
around on that wheel

is not going anywhere.

And he sneezed. I heard him.

What does a hamster
sneeze sound like?

Ka-choo!

Ka-choo!

Well, this sounds serious.

Daddy, can you
give him a checkup?

- Of course he can, honey.
- What?

What are you talkin' about? I
can't give that thing a checkup.

Yes, you can, Cliff.

What, do you want me to
take him down to my office?

No. You can do it right here.

Do it right here. Mm-hmm.

Look after the hamster.

Okay, fine. All right, Darren.

Let Dad take a look at it here.

Old, uh, Dr. Hamster
Huxtable here.

Just put him right
up there on the desk,

and, uh, I'm sure that
we can find something

about this good
little furry thing here.

All right, reach
down and grab him.

Pull him out there.

Now, this is a friend
of yours, is it, ma'am?

Mm-hmm. Take the
cage down, please.

All right. What do you
think is wrong with him?

All right. I think he's sick.

He's sick. All right, cough!

What's the problem,
now? Let's see if he's...

Say "Ahhhhhh. Ahhhh."

All right, you hold
on to him there.

Now put him up
here. Put him up here.

Just...

Heartbeat sounds
strong. You check it out.

Heartbeat?

Sounds fine, I guess.

All right, then put
him back in the cage,

and he seems to be okay.

I concur.

Good night, ma'am.

Good night.

Bye-bye.

- Thanks, Daddy.
- You're welcome.

Mmm... mwah.

Thank you, Mommy.

Good night, Rudy.
Good night, Darren.

Come on.

Darren, didn't I tell you

this is a great place to stay?

Cliff, that was sweet of you
to examine Darren like that.

Thank you, sweetheart.

You are such a sensitive,
good, and caring parent

and a wonderful human being.

Thank you. Now can
I put my leg on you?

Okay.

Ahh.

Okay. That's enough.

Did you hear that?

What?

A little hamster sneeze.

Cliff, you couldn't hear a hamster
sneeze if it was in this room.

Don't tell me. I know... I
know, uh, a hamster sneeze

when I hear a hamster sneeze.

You see? You're feeling guilty
about what you did to Charlie.

What do you know about Charlie?

Honey, everybody in the
world knows you sat on that bird.

'Tis a cold-blooded
house around here, boy.

Darren.

Darren, come here.

Are you okay?

Did you sneeze?

Dad, what's the matter?

I thought I heard Darren sneeze,

and he does sound a
little congested, honey.

- He was breathing funny before.
- Mm-hmm.

But I didn't want to bother you.

Well, you're not bothering me.

I gave him a complete
physical, didn't I?

What should we do?

First thing in the morning
we'll take him to the vet, okay?

He's sick. I knew it.

Carolyn's gonna hate me.

Carolyn's not gonna hate you.
You didn't make him sick, dear.

Can we take him to the vet now?

Well, dear, it's
3:00 in the morning.

He's sick. He needs help.

Maybe we can find an
all-night clinic somewhere

who would take him, okay?

But this is an emergency.
We should call an ambulance.

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

Um... we'll put Darren in
the car, and while I'm drivin',

you roll down the window, you
put your head out, and you say...

Okay? Mm-hmm.

Now, here we go. Move it.

It's an emergency! Let's go!

Hello. Hi.

- We have a sick hamster.
- We?

Oh, my daughter's in the
ladies' room. She'll be out shortly.

All right. Your name, please?

Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

All right. And your pet's name?

Is Darren, but it's not our pet.

He's just a guest
stayin' at the house,

and he got sick, but we
didn't do anything to him.

Okay. I'll just put down
"Darren the hamster."

Darren the hamster.

Is this an emergency?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

It's an emergency.

Take a seat,
Dr. Huxtable. Yes, I will.

Mmhh.

Excuse me. Yeah.

What's the matter with the dog?

He's depressed.

Before, he could do,
ooh, many, many tricks.

Stand up, Sparkielli. Up!

Stand up, boy. He's doing it!

Up. Up. You see?

He... He used to do
that on his own, like this.

Just like that. On his own.

Yeah. Now, come down now.

Come down. That's a good boy.

Jump. Jump off. Now
he's afraid of heights.

Down. Come on down,
please. That's a good boy.

Now the front legs.
Back legs down.

Hey, jump off.
Sparkielli, jump off.

Good dog. Down.
Down. That's a good boy.

Mr. Irondale. Good. Good boy.

How's Sparky feeling?

Oh, Doctor, he's still
very, very depressed.

Come with me, Mr. Irondale.

Good... Good night.

Come on.

We'll feel better now. We'll
feel better. We'll feel better.

Oh, Sparky. Yes.

How's Darren?

Oh, Darren is just fine.

Here.

Here. Just wait. I'll
be right back, okay?

Hi, Mr. Lindsay.

Hello. Hi, Otto.

Can I get you some water?

No, thanks. I'm fine. Okay.

Is it all right if I
touch your sea lion?

Oh, no, you'd better not.

He hasn't slept for two
days, and he's a bit cranky.

But maybe later.

Okay. Okay?

People will say you're vicious.

What's that? Get off.

What's wrong with you, huh?

Oh, you...

Come on, let's check
your breathing, Darren.

Mmm...

There's definitely congestion.

Uh-huh. I heard him sneeze.

Let's check Darren's throat.

Oh, your glands are
swollen, sweetheart.

Oh.

And, Doctor, she's
running a fever.

She?

Mmm.

Yeah, it's she, all right.

What I'm concerned about
here, Doctor, is a possibility

of pneumonia, bronchitis,
possibly even heart failure.

Uh-oh. We can't be
certain without x-rays.

X-ray... Hamster x-rays?

Yeah, we do a
two-part series. Really?

Abdomen-to-back
and side-to-side.

Wow!

The cost is $55.

$55?

Well, cost isn't the issue.

Um, is... is that in addition to
the $33 for the... the office visit?

Daddy, I'll pay for it
out of my allowance.

What was that?

That's an elephant.

We had a circus passing through
here, and she went into labor,

so they brought her to us.

They're delivering
a baby elephant?

Out in the parking lot.

May I go see that,
please? Please.

Would you stay with Darren?

Oh, boy!

Will Darren be all right?

Well, Rudy, Darren is sick,

and we're gonna do everything
we can to look after her.

So let's get her
ready for x-rays, huh?

Okay.

Whoo!

Whoa, you should've seen!

The mother was out, and
the thing was... It's a boy!

And it was 192 pounds! Whoo!

Now, you wait till I tell
your mom about that!

She thought you
were somethin'! Wow!

Ahhh.

You're just back?

Yes.

How's Darren?

Dead.

He died while we were waiting

for his 55-dollar x-rays.

Poor Rudy. She
must be devastated.

It's all my fault.

Now, don't you start.
Don't you be silly, now.

You did everything you could.

I think I could've taken
him to the vet earlier.

Oh, honey, you didn't know.

What do you mean, I didn't
know? I'm a doctor, dear.

You're an obstetrician.

Obstetrician! Let me
tell you what I saw!

An elephant delivered
a baby out there.

Whooie, Clair! 192 pounds.

I know you wouldn't
have done that. Mmhh!

Wait a minute, Cliff.

The x-rays cost $55?

Yes, indeed.

And I also spent $17.50
on Darren number two.

You are going to
buy another hamster

and try to pass it off
to Carolyn as Darren?

That's exactly
what I plan to do.

Now, tell me
about this elephant.

First of all, the
father wasn't there.

And from the way she
sounded, I know why.

Slow down. Don't go so
fast. You're gonna get tired.

Dad, this hamster is great.

Mmm. Healthy and loves to play.

Right.

Do you think it
looks like Darren?

Almost exactly.

Okay.

Good enough. That's
Carolyn. I'll get it.

Okay.

Rudy, darlin'.

Carolyn, darlin'.

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Hi, Carolyn. How was the trip?

Not too bad.

Grandma says I can
bring Darren next time.

Mmm.

Hmm. That's not Darren.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, no. Don't tell me Darren
died and you bought me a new one.

Darren got really
sick last night.

We took Darren to the vet
and we did everything we could,

but... didn't make it.

This is the fifth time I've left my
hamster with somebody and it died.

You've had five hamsters die?

Yeah, and you did what
all the other people did...

Bought me a new hamster
and tried to fake me out.

Carolyn, why didn't you
say something to us?

Well, what was I
supposed to say?

Well, you were supposed to say to
us that, "Every time I leave a hamster,

it dies, so don't
buy me a new one."

Are you sad?

I can handle it.

Every living thing has to go
sometime. That's how nature works.

Well, that's a very, very
mature way to look at it.

When people keep
killin' your hamsters,

you grow up pretty fast.

Nothing!

Hey, son. Hey.

Ah. When I heard
about the hamster,

I thought that maybe
you had a kinda

heavy heart, seein' as
how another little animal

in your care fell in harm's way.

Yeah, well, look, Dad, you have to
stop tellin' everybody about Charlie.

Son, you sat on the bird.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, it's about
time you faced up to it.

I have no problem
facing up to it.

I sat on the bird.
I sat on the bird.

I sat on the bird!

But I also noticed that the bird

had a little chip
on his beak, too.

And that's not my fault.

He didn't look like that after I sat on
him, because I looked at him good!

Now, there's a reason why
that bird had a cracked beak.

Why?

You see, one day, Charlie
went down into the basement,

and, uh, I guess decided to
take a nap in a pile of laundry.

Your mother didn't see him, and
she put the whole pile of laundry

into the washing machine.

Mom washed Charlie?

Yeah.

It was only for a
couple of minutes,

and, uh, your mama heard, uh...

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

So she pulled him out
just in the nick of time.

Uh-huh. So that's how
he chipped his beak.

Uh, no. You see, Mother
wanted to revive Charlie,

so she gave him an
eyedropper full of brandy.

And after he got that,
that bird started flying

willy-nilly around the room
and crashed into the wall.

That's what chipped his beak.

Now that I think about it,

whenever he saw Mom...

he just went the other way.

And he gave her the
same look that he gave me.

Oh, I brought a little
somethin' here for you.

I was looking through the
family album and I found this.

It's a picture of
you and Charlie.

Would you look at this?

Am I looking strong in
this knicker suit? Huh?

Yes, indeed.

With the socks falling down.

And look at Charlie.

Yeah, this is
before the sitting.

Oh, thank you, Dad.

You know, son, I think I'd better
go upstairs and talk to Rudy.

She could use some
consoling now, too.

Yeah.

Oh, Charlie.

Chirp, chirp,
chirp chirp, chirp.

Well, you're dead now, though.

♪♪

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