The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 7 - Cyranoise de Bergington - full transcript

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♪♪

Yeah? Dr. Huxtable?

There's a young woman here
with a business proposition.

She says her name
is Rudy Huxtable.

I don't know
anybody by that name.

Come on, Daddy, it's me.

- Who's me?
- Your daughter.

Which one?

- Rudy!
- Oh, Rudy. Come in, come in.

Dad, I found the perfect
birthday present for Mom.



Your mother's birthday is
two months away, honey.

But I found this article today, and I
have to send the money right away.

- Right away.
- But, I have some of the money,

and I need you to
help me with the rest.

Now, how much does it cost?

$32.80.

And how much do you have?

$1.75.

So you're coming to me
and asking me to give you

$31.05?

Right. And here's
what I'm buying Mom.

- That.
- Okay.

"Show her that you
love her... forever.

"Beautiful 14 karat gold
heart-shaped pendant.



Includes diamond-like stone."

Uh-huh.

It's small print down here.

"14 karat gold
refers to gold plating.

"The pendant should
not be worn in water...

Or extreme sunlight."

Dad, it's six to eight
weeks for delivery.

- Mm-hmm.
- You have to send the money right now.

- Today!
- But $31.05 is a lot of money, dear.

I'll work for it. I'll do
chores around the house.

Whatever you want me to do.

You'll do whatever
I ask you to do?

Yes. But you have to promise not
to tell Mom where I got the money.

Okay. All right.

Now, there's just one
thing I don't understand.

What?

How come...

that you are already two months
ahead of your mother's birthday

and you're going around willing to work
hard and pay off money that you don't have?

Do you understand?

How come, when it's my birthday,

on the evening of my
birthday, 8:00 at night,

you're walking
around looking at me?

"Daddy, I didn't know
it was your birthday.

"I'm sorry I didn't
get a present,

but I love you."

That's because you're Dad.

Denny, this place is
everything you said it would be.

Like I told you, Theo, we're in college
now. We go where the college women are.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Howard, what's up, man?

Hey, Denny. Denny,
this is my friend Julia.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, Julia.

How are you, Theo?

I'm fine. I mean good.

I'm... well, I'm fine and good.

Howard, I'll see you
at the library tonight.

All right, I'll be there. Good
luck on your chem test.

Theo, Denny.

Ah, looks like things are still
going good between you two.

Yeah, they are, considering
the change in our relationship.

Three days ago, Julia and I decided we
should stop being involved romantically.

You broke up? With Julia?

Wasn't easy, but we were
too wrapped up in each other.

Took time away from our studies.

Man, that was a very
mature thing to do.

I admire you for your
academic dedication.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Do you admire me, or are you excited to
find that Julia's free to date other guys?

Hey, what's that
supposed to mean?

You're one of my best friends.

I have no interest in dating
a girl you just broke up with.

Huge lie.

Theo, it's okay. I know
how you feel about Julia.

Hey, I don't mind if
you go out with her.

You don't?

Uh, would Julia mind?

Hey, man, I can't do everything
for you. Ask her yourself.

I've got to go.
I've got French Lit.

Bon soir.

Denny, did you
hear what he said?

Julia is free to
date other guys.

That other guy could be me.

What about Justine?

Oh. Justine.

Yeah, you remember,
your girlfriend.

Well, she's angry at me.
She won't even speak to me.

She says whenever we go out,
I'm always looking at other girls.

I told her it was just my
eyes roaming, nothing else.

She doesn't want to hear it.

So you're going
to ask Julia out?

I'd like to. I just wish I knew
if she was interested in me.

It would give me more
confidence when I call her.

Hey, Denny, would
you talk to her for me?

Oh, no way. Come
on man, why not?

I fall apart around
women like Julia.

I'm not asking you to get me the
date. Just find out what she thinks of me.

Theo, you don't know what happens
to me around beautiful women.

I get all sweaty.
My mouth dries out.

Theo, little pieces
of white foam fly out.

Denny, man, there's
nothing to be nervous about.

You're not speaking for
yourself. You're speaking for me.

And whatever you do,
don't bring up Justine.

I'm going to be so nervous, I'm not
even going to remember my own name.

Ha ha ha! Thanks, man.

Okay, Dad, I finished
cleaning out the refrigerator.

All right.

Now, did you take the
shelves out, wipe them down,

took out all the drawers,
cleaned it, got up in the corners?

Even the butter dish.

My girl.

I'm going to mail the check now.

And remember, Mom can't
know anything about this.

It's a big secret.

She'll not be the wiser.

All right.

♪ Doo doo doodle
doodle doo doo ♪

♪ Da da boop a doo doo doo ♪

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, Rudy!

Rudy!

- Yeah, Dad?
- Now what is this?

What?

What do you mean what?
Look at... This food is out rotting.

Ice cubes are melting, honey.

I thought I told you
to clean the thing out.

I did clean it out. You said to
clean it out, so I cleaned it out.

I took everything
out. I cleaned it out.

Look, clean out the refrigerator means
clean it out and also put the stuff back.

Oh, man.

Look, you and I made
a verbal agreement.

I signed the check,
right? So you do the work.

Okay.

Why do I have to do
it? Somebody else...

You can mumble under
your breath all you want,

but you better not
say the wrong thing.

Rudy, what are you doing?

I just cleaned out the refrigerator.
I'm putting everything back in.

Rudy, you cleaned this
refrigerator by yourself?

Mm-hmm.

Baby! Oh, my baby.

How many children would
be industrious enough

to do something
like this on their own?

Yeah, but, dear, see, I want...

I'm talking about
a good job, too.

Cliff, look what
this baby has done.

Ha ha. It's just...

When I come back
from the dry cleaner's, I'm

going to have a
special treat just for you.

Oh... I'll see you later.

Mm-hmm. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

That's my baby.

You're a fraud.

I'll get it.

Ha! Come on in.

- What's up?
- All right.

Take your coat off.

Now tell me, what happened?

Can I sit down?

Sure, come on, have a seat.

Sit down. So?

Okay. I waited for
her outside the library.

I went over and over
what you told me to tell her.

All right, good, good.

I saw her come out.
Theo, my mind blanked out.

My legs were even made of straw.

Theo, man, I felt the foam.

Then you started
telling her about me.

I pulled myself together, and I
managed to get out the words.

I told her that you were sad about
the breakup between her and Howard.

That you were very
intelligent, sensitive, loyal,

kind, trustworthy,
clean, and even reverent.

Denny, that's from
the Boy Scout oath.

But she thought it was funny.

So that broke the ice,
and we started talking.

What did she say?

She asked me out.

- She asked you out?
- Yeah.

You can't be serious.

Why wouldn't Julia ask me out?

Denny, she's not your type.

What are you trying to say?
I'm not the man that you are?

You said it, I didn't.

Was that a crack
about my weight?

Because let me tell you
something, I happen to be big boned.

I can lose this
weight if I want to.

Well, maybe if you spent
a little more time dieting

and a little less time going
after your best friend's girl.

I didn't go after your girl.

Yeah, right, pal. You had this
planned from the beginning.

You have Justine. How many
other women do you want?

- I want Julia.
- I've got her.

You got her because
you're a two-faced worm.

Well, I'm a two-faced worm who's going
to have a beautiful woman on his arm.

Okay. All right.

You have a choice. You decide.

One date with Julia or a
lifetime friendship with me.

I'm sorry, Theo.

It's been nice.

Okay, maybe the other
chore was a little too difficult.

Now what I want you to do here is I
want you to just clean up your room.

Which part?

The whole room.

The whole room?

Yeah, when you say clean up the whole
room, clean up means the whole room, okay?

Aw, man, that's a lot for $31.

Listen, you should be paying
me $31 a minute to live here.

Now, I want you to go
ahead and clean up this room.

I'll be back in
an hour, all right?

And let me tell
you something else.

I don't want to hear

every time somebody
asks you to do something.

Okay? Now hit it.

31 lousy bucks.

What?

What did you say? Nothing.

I thought I heard.

Hey.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

So what's going on?

Ha ha!

You want to show me the
paper you got the D on?

School's fine, Dad.

Are the police coming?

A girl.

I want to transfer out of NYU and
go to school someplace upstate.

- Why?
- Julia.

Julia? No, you mean Justine.

No, I mean Julia.

- Julia?
- Actually, it's Denny.

Denny?

You see, Howard
and Julia broke up,

and he gave me the
go-ahead to ask her out.

I felt a little bit uncomfortable
approaching her,

so I asked Denny to
go talk to her for me.

I don't know what
he said to her, Dad,

but she seemed to be so
charmed by him, she asked him out.

Him!

Him, Dad!

She asked him out.

- She asked him out.
- Asked him out.

Dad, the man
stabbed me in the back.

Well, looks like to me
you handed him the knife.

I'm devastated by this.

I couldn't sleep last night.

I can't study.

Dad, I can't get
Julia off my mind.

My whole college
career is at stake here.

Pardon me, but it's
just a couple of days ago

you were walking around...

"Justine, Justine my life,
my sky, my valley, my river."

I mean, it was just last week, son, that
I caught the two of you going upstairs.

Said you were going to
study, but you had no books.

Things have changed.

Those used to be my
feelings for Justine.

Well, see, that's what
I don't understand.

I mean, I don't understand how
you can fill up your heart with Justine

and then just empty it out
and then fill it up with Julia.

I don't understand. You
must have two hearts.

You must have two hearts.

Dad, you're making jokes about
something that's very painful.

I'm sorry.

My best friend Denny is going out
with the woman I want to go with.

What if they start
going together?

Then they get married.

Then I get married.

Then Denny and Julia get
divorced, but I'm still married.

I'm stuck.

My marriage is jeopardized, Dad.

My wife is going to find out that I'm
secretly in love with another woman.

What am I going to do?
Should I tell her about this?

But what about the children?

What?

I'm sorry, but you
have lost your mind.

Okay, how's it going in here?

I don't know.

All right, well,
let's take a look.

Okay, now what's all this
stuff on the floor of the closet?

Winter stuff.

Winter stuff. Okay. Why
is it on the floor there?

You're supposed to hang
this up, you know, huh?

It's not cold yet.

What do you mean,
it's not cold yet?

You know, I left you here,
said I'd be back in an hour.

And this room is almost
as messy as when I left.

I'm tired.

You're tired? Oh, well,
I'm sorry to hear that.

You know, you were tired when
you had to clean up the kitchen.

You were tired when
you had to do this room.

But you were not tired when you
came and asked me for $31.05.

You remember that? Huh?

Yes.

Okay, now look at this
bed. See, what is this?

What's wrong with it?

Dear, all you have to
do is just pull up on this

like I showed you
a long time ago.

You pull, snap, and
then you smooth out.

Come on, do that. You can do it.

- Pull, snap.
- All right.

Will you look at little
Miss House Helper here.

Yesterday it was
the refrigerator,

and today she's been up in
her room like a busy little bee.

When I came in
here before, Cliff,

Rudy was cleaning out that
closet like there was no tomorrow.

Look at this.

Yeah, well, dear, see, I...

Everything all neat and folded.

Rudy, you're too much.

I tried very hard, Mommy,
even though I was tired.

Well, your effort shows.

And I am very proud of you.

I think you deserve a reward,

so I'm going to
give you... $2.00.

Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome. I'm going
to the office. I'll see you later.

Uh-huh.

You've got some work to
do here, you understand?

Now, I'm leaving here, and I will
be back for a Captain's inspection

at approximately 1800 hours,

or for you, 6 P.M.

This is going to look very
cruel, but it's a part of life.

Lamont Cranston.

Dad, I made a complete
fool out of myself this time.

I decided I'd go to
Julia and ask her out.

She said, "What about Justine?"

And I lied about my
relationship with Justine.

I said we weren't
romantically involved.

Dad, Julia talked to Justine,
and she knew the truth.

So now Julia doesn't want to
have anything to do with me,

and when Justine finds out,
she's going to be even angrier.

Sometimes in the heat
of battle, you suffer defeat.

You just lost the
Alamo and Guam.

I'm finished.

I'm waving the white flag
to every woman I know.

I don't need them.

I don't need love.

Dad, all this time I could
have been studying.

From now on, all I'm
going to do is study.

Be whatever I'm going to be.

Whatever that is.

I tell you the truth.

They have a saying
that a cat has nine lives.

I think you have nine hearts.

I'm willing to bet, my boy, that if
we go down to that NYU campus,

we would find a woman
to fill that third heart.

It's hopeless.

Well, it looks like I'm going to have
to take matters into my own hands.

Come on, I'll buy
you a cappuccino.

You're not going to try to
help me find a girl, are you?

No. Let's look at it this way.

You're wounded.

Don't see me as your father.
Look at me as the Red Cross.

Ahem.

How are you? Ha ha.

I'm a married man, myself.

25 years, so don't even try it.

Ah. See the young
man over there?

It's my son.

He's cute.

Well, he's available.

Just rebounding
from an almost affair.

He has a lot of hearts.

You could be in one of them.

I'm involved.

That doesn't bother him.

I have a friend, though.

Well, could you go get
her and bring her here?

She's in Boston
visiting her parents.

We'll wait.

Listen, if you think I'm
funny, he's hysterical.

He'll keep you
hysterical all day.

Well, listen, I'm not
really all that involved.

I guess it wouldn't
hurt to meet your son.

Really? How nice of you.

Step right over here.

Uh, son, listen, I want you to
meet... This is my closest friend, uh...

Sheila.

Sheila. Sheila,
yes. Sheila, this is...

I'm Theo. I'm real
sorry about this.

What? It's okay.

I've never had a guy
introduce himself to me like this.

Ha ha!

I hope you're okay.

See, I've been on the rebound myself, so
if you need to talk about this, I'm here.

Listen, I know you're in pain, but if
you cried, you'd feel so much better.

Most men are ashamed to cry,
but I can tell you're not one of those.

So come on, cry. Cry.

Dad?

Yes, yes. Open those floodgates.

Rudy Huxtable, are you
ready for Captain's inspection?

Yes, sir!

Here to halt, okay.

Hup, two!

Halt, ha!

Hold up. Freeze!

All right, this will be
the high level mark.

I will not inspect
anything above this mark.

Now, foot here!

All right, now we will begin.

Ahh!

All right.

It's all easy stuff.

Now we come to something

known as "under the lampshade."

Go ahead and check, sir!

Ghaah!

Okay, okay.

I've held a lot of inspections.

One place I know
is in the child's ears!

Aah!

You've done a wonderful job.

I'm proud of you.

Now you've earned
all of the money.

I'm proud of you.
You understand that?

Thanks, Daddy.

All right.

And I'm also going to
give you back the $2.00.

That's your mother's $2.00.

Thank you, Daddy, thank you!

All right, yes, yes, yes.
You're welcome, my dear.

I'm going to use this to
buy your birthday present.

♪♪

The Cosby Show is taped
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