The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 3 - Rudy's All-Nighter - full transcript

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Oh, no! Ooh!

My favorite wife is home
early. Goodness gracious.

Not for long. Why?

I gotta run back
to the office, honey.

Ohh.

I got a meeting with the district
attorney on the Haywood case.

Look, this is the
third time in a row

that you've had to work late
working on those Haywoods.

I'm sick of the Haywoods.



Let the Haywoods go to jail.

Now...

No one goes to jail when they're
defended by Clair Huxtable.

I have to lie in
that bed by myself,

missing my beautiful wife,

and I have to say,
"Where is my Clair,

my love quilt?"

I see. Yes.

And you never have to
leave our bed to do your work.

First of all, I say
to my patients,

"Please do not go into labor
until after 3 A.M. in the morning

because then I can
slip out of the bed

and my wife will not miss me.

A bold untruth.



I go up to that bed,
and you're not there.

And I look over, and I
see a hole in the pillow,

and I take that pillow,
and I bring it to me,

and I hug it... and I cry.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, sweetness. Hi.

I need to ask you something.

Uh-huh.

Today at school, I told Carolyn

that she could sleep
over Friday night.

And now I need your permission.

Don't you have this backwards?

Aren't you supposed to
ask for permission first?

What for? You always say yes.

I'm just being polite.

Now, Rudy, you've had a
string of friends stay over.

But, Mom, this is Carolyn.

Can she come? Please?

All right, Rudy, but this is the last
sleepover for two months, understood?

Understood.

Mom, will you make those
baked apples you always make?

I might. I don't know.

And, Dad, you're going to do
that funny pirate, aren't you?

Everybody loves it when
you do the funny pirate.

Well... First... First of all,

I'm... I'm not a professional
comedian, you understand?

And I... And I want you to
know that I can't just, uh...

not be funny just because you
bring your little raggedy friends in here.

You know, I mean,
I have to feel funny.

Do you think you'll feel
funny on Friday night?

I... I don't know. I
just... I don't know.

Mom, I know you're gonna
want to make those baked apples.

And, Dad, I know you're
gonna feel funny Friday night.

Yes!

Bye!

I want to thank all
the little oranges

that contributed to Dr. Huxtable's
glass of orange juice.

Dad, is Rudy having
another sleepover?

Yeah.

Rudy is bad enough as it is.

When she's around someone
else her age, she's five times worse.

I don't think I wanna be here.

Well, where you gonna go?

I'm gonna stay over
at Janet's tonight.

Ah, good!

She stayed over there the other
night, and she owes you, so go ahead.

Okay. Yes, please.

There's one thing I'm going to
miss by not being here tonight.

What? The pirate!

That is your funniest bit.

The only thing I like
better is when you do

the foreign race car
driver Pierre Varoom.

Well, I'm not too sure if I want to
do Pierre Varoom or anybody else.

You know, I have to feel
funny in order to do things.

Well, Dad, if you don't, they're
going to be very disappointed.

Really? Yeah.

Bye.

Take care.

Pierre Varoom.

Gonna sit up there with these
kids and do Pierre Varoom,

and they don't
know when to stop.

If you did something funny, and then they
would just say, "Okay, that was funny."

But no, you get in the
position, they keep asking you,

"Do it again, do it
again, do it again."

The next thing you know, your back is
out, and they still got plenty of energy.

"Do it again, do it
again, do it again."

It's ridiculous.

Going to do Pierre Varoom.

Say!

Dad, this is not a good day.

Look at this.

It's an English
Composition paper.

I was thinking of
hiding it from you,

but then I said, "No, he
might as well know the truth.

Yes, I might as
well. You got a D.

I got A's in English Comp
in high school. Uh-huh.

Look at the professor's comments.
He hated every sentence I wrote.

"I have never read such
muddled thinking in my life."

"You use too many words
to express your thoughts,

and don't understand
the words you use."

See, Dad, I didn't think I'd have
any problems with this class.

The others are the killers.

I've got the hardest
professors in every subject.

Whenever I tell my friends
what teachers I have,

they say "Oh, The Butcher."
Or "Oh, no, The Assassin."

Dad, I'm drowning.

Maybe... Maybe I'm
not college material.

No, no, no. You're
not gonna talk like that.

First day of orientation,
the Dean got up. He

said, "Look to your
left, look to your right.

One of these people will not
be here at the end of the year."

Dad, the whole freshman
class was looking at me.

I want you to look
at these red marks,

make your corrections,

take it back to your
professor, ask for help.

Well, he did say if anybody got below
a C, they could do their paper again.

But I have a ton of work
in my other subjects.

Welcome to college life.

All right, Dad.
I'll give it a shot.

There you go.

And I'm going to tell you
what I'm going to do for you.

While you're up in that
room working so hard,

I'm going down to the store,

buy one of those
strawberry shortcakes,

and bring it up to your room,

and you and I will have some strawberry
shortcake while you're doing your work.

But, Dad, Mom doesn't like
you eating those desserts.

I don't care...

what your Mother doesn't like.

You understand?

When it comes to
making a sacrifice,

I'm there when you
throw the chips down.

Thanks, Dad.

Go get 'em.

Mon frére.

Daddy, Carolyn's gonna
be here any minute.

Good.

How do you feel? About what?

You know what I mean.

You know, do you feel funny?

Because you said you
had to feel funny to be funny.

I feel a sort of
heaviness, a sadness.

Dad, try.

Dad, that's Carolyn.

Think funny, okay?

Carolyn! Darling!

Rudy, darling!

Come on in.

Bye, Mom!

Don't forget our smooches.

Yeah!

Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Hi. I noticed that you brought
your sleeping bag. Why?

Because the last
time I was here,

the other bed in Rudy's
room felt like sleeping on rocks.

And I need my sleep
or I'm just no good.

So, how about it?

How about what?

What are you gonna
do to make me laugh?

The last time I was
here, you were a riot.

Well, Dad isn't
really up to it tonight.

I think he's depressed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You
all will have to excuse me,

because I just think that the whole
day has sort of taken its toll on me.

I feel drained.

Pardon me. I'm going in the
kitchen and get something to eat.

I'm really sorry, Carolyn.

I guess we're gonna
have to entertain ourselves.

That's okay, darling. You're
not responsible for your parents.

Let's go up to my room and play.

Aarrgghh!

Aah!

Aaaggghh!

Now I've got you!

I'm coming to get you!

Aaaaggghh!

Aaaggghhh!

You dare come aboard my ship!

I'll kick you off and
put you in the sand

and let the red ants eat
you up, you little wench!

Dad, will you do your
imitation of the marching band?

I'm a pirate!

Do an all-pirate marching band.

A pirate marching band?

Arggh!

Arrggh! Arrggh!

Arrggh! Arrggh!

Arrggh, arrggh, arrggh! Hey!

Arrggh!

All right, you two.

Now what did you break now?

Nothing!

I want it quiet in there.

Not another sound.
Do you understand?

Mom?

Yes.

Can we go down to the
kitchen and get a snack?

Okay, but very quiet because
your brother's studying.

We will.

Aarrgh, aarrgh, matey!

I'll make you walk the plank.

No, you won't!

Yes, I will!

Hey, do you guys mind?

I had to come down here in the first
place to get away from you two wild women.

Shouldn't you both be in bed?

It's a sleepover. We're
allowed to stay up late.

We're the queens of the night.

Your Highness... darling.

Your royal beauty... darling.

Kiss-kiss.

Smooch-smooch.

You two are so obnoxious.

Thank you, your grumpiness.

All right, all right. Are you done? I
have an important paper to finish.

What are you writing about?

You wouldn't understand.
It's college-level material.

It's not for infants.

Hmm. "It was a
haunting cloudy day,

one that conjures
up images of destiny."

Huh?

See? I told you. You
wouldn't understand it.

It sounds like you're trying to
impress your teacher with big words.

Well, that never works.

And how do you know?

My dad, an editor
of a newspaper,

he always says to his new reporters,
"When you write, keep it simple.

Only people with small
minds use big words."

Look, I was asked to write
about a personal experience,

and I'm writing about
my first day at college.

I'm trying to capture how scared I
was when I first arrived on campus.

Why don't you just
say "I was scared"?

Because that's not
descriptive enough.

I'm trying to paint
a picture of my fear.

I know what you mean about fear.

I once took my little cat
Mabel on a Ferris wheel.

Whoa, was she scared.

Yeah, well, we're
not on a Ferris wheel.

So would the two of you
kindly leave me to write?

Okay. Carolyn, come on.

Let's go upstairs.

Good night, Mr. Dictionary!

"As I stepped on the campus
for the first time, I was afraid.

I felt like..."

"a cat on a Ferris wheel."

Then the monster
looked around and said...

'We are going to
eat your house."

We'll start with the chimney.

Let's play something else now.

But we're supposed
to go to sleep.

No, we're not. It's a sleepover.

We can stay up
as late as we want.

Let's play Flashlight
Wars. Okay!

Defenders of the universe,

may one light shine true.

Go!

My beam caught your beam!

No, it did not! Yes, it did!

Take that! Hmmph!

No fair. What?

You took your beam off the wall,
and you're not allowed to do that.

This is my house. I
can do whatever I want.

You're always changing
the rules just so you can win.

I can't help it if I'm
better at Flashlight Wars!

Stop that! No.

I'm going home. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. You can't.

You're my guest,
and you do what I say.

I don't have to do
anything you say!

You're a rock head!

Well, you're a sponge brain!

Well, you're a sponge
brain to the max!

Well, you're a double
sponge brain supreme!

I'm going home!

Go. I don't care.

I don't really care.

Dr. Huxtable, I
have to talk to you.

Huh?

Wake up. It's an emergency.

Okay.

Make sure she's fully
dilated. I'll scrub up.

Dr. Huxtable, I want to go home.

What are you doing in here?

Hey. How'd you get in here?

What... What's going on?

Rudy cheats at games,
and she's being mean to me,

and I hate her!

What is going on?

Uh, she... she hates Rudy.

Oh.

Can you do me a favor and
get in the bed that you're in

and hate her until about 8:30,

and then I'll be glad to
take you home, okay?

No. I can't spend
another minute here.

Call my mommy, please?
Please? I'm very unhappy!

Yeah, okay, okay,
I'll call your mom.

All right. Okay. All right.

I'll go and pack and
meet you downstairs.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Cliff, what are you doing?

I have to call Mrs.
Gregory and tell her

that her daughter
wants to come home.

Please. I will go downstairs...

Hello. Mr. Gregory?

How you doing?

Yeah. Your... Your daughter
just came in here and said

"Please. Rudy's being mean.

Can you come and get
me? Please! Please!"

So, uh...

would you all please
put the light on out front?

And, uh, I'll drive by and
throw her out the window.

Yeah. Okay.

Huh?

Do the pirate for you?

You want me to do the pirate
for... You're a grown man.

Aarrgh! Why don't
you go to sleep?

Carolyn.

Carolyn.

Come on, honey. I'm here to
take you home now. Come on.

Uh... Huh?

I said I'm ready to take
you home. Here we go.

I don't want to go home.
I changed my mind.

Yeah, but you see, 30 seconds
ago, you were in there and...

"I don't wanna... I hate
Rudy, and I wanna go home."

But when I got back to
the room, she apologized.

She's my best
friend. I love her.

Now, let me tell you something.

The next time you come in
my room and you wake me up

and tell me you wanna go home,

I'm gonna give you 50 cents
and you can get the bus.

That sounds fair. Good night.

Oh, Dad. You look terrible.

Yes. Because your
sister's friend Carolyn

woke me up three
times to take her home.

Well, did you see what
they did to the kitchen?

Yes, I'm the one who
cleaned the kitchen up.

And I also had to clean up about 400
pieces of balled-up composition paper.

Sorry about that, Dad.

I was up all night
rewriting this paper.

I went down to NYU this morning
and slid it under the professor's door.

Uh-huh. He was there, Dad.

He read it while I waited.

Yeah? Look.

Only half of the red marks
that were on the other paper.

Now you're cookin'.

He said if I made my ideas
clearer and more direct,

I could probably get a C.

A C would be beautiful.

You mean, you'd
be happy with a C?

Of course I'd be happy with a C.

This is what is known as a
"hard C." You understand?

I would take a hard C
over a soft A any day.

Dad, by the end of this year,
I'm gonna be pullin' in hard A's.

I'm just too scared of you, boy.

Yeah.

Daddy!

All right, I'll take
you home! What?

Presenting the Darling
Sisters, America's sweethearts.

Well, now, don't you
all just look lovely.

Thank you.

And isn't this your mother's
make-up and jewelry you have on?

Yes.

I don't wanna be around here
when your mother finds out.

We're not worried at all.

Come on, darlings.

Let's go to the mall!

You look lovely.
Mrs. Huxtable, darling.

Well, thank you, darling!

Good-bye, darling!

♪♪

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