The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Physical - full transcript

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Hi, Daddy!

Hey. Listen, I just finished
your sandwich for lunch.

Would you like a little
pickle on the side?

I can't eat all that.
I'm just a little person.

Well, why don't you show Dad
how much you'd like to take?

Only about that much.

Right there? Is that it?

All right. Dad will
cut that for you.

There you are, my dear.



And I guess I'll just have a small
piece of this... what's left for myself.

Dad, is there a possibility
that when Rudy and I leave

you're going to inhale
that whole thing?

No.

When Dad made me bacon yesterday,
he ate so much that I only got one slice.

When Dad took me and Peter to the park,
he bought each of us an ice cream cone,

and then took big
bites out of them.

That's Dad.

Then bought himself
a giant banana split.

Wasn't a giant.

Uh-huh. Four scoops.

That's a medium.

Denise, you are so lucky to
be working at a record company.

It's no big deal, Theo. This
sort of thing happens every day.



Whoa. All right!

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, guess who's going to be at
Denise's record company today.

Quincy Jones.

He's famous.

Dad, Quincy Jones is the hottest
record producer in the business.

I know who Quincy Jones is.

Is he really coming in today?

Yeah, people like Quincy
Jones come in all the time.

Tina Turner came in yesterday.

Whoa!

Dad, Tina Turner...

I know who Tina Turner is.

I knew Tina Turner when
she was "rolling on the river."

What's she really like?

Well, she's really down-to-earth,
and I enjoyed talking to her.

You talked to her?
What did you talk about?

Well, when I brought her her coffee,
she said, "This is good, thanks."

She is a beautiful person.

Hey, thanks, Dad.

Denise, I don't know how
you can keep your cool

when you're around
all these superstars.

Well, I got to get to work. Can
I drop you guys off at school?

Do you think you could take us directly
to the studio so we can meet Quincy, too?

No, no, you're not going to any
studio. You all have lost your mind.

You're going to drive them to school, and
you'll only talk about math and English.

Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Mom!
- Bye!

Oh, I can't finish this.

Good. All right.

So I'll just take it to
school. Thanks, Dad.

Bye, Mom!

Bye, sweetie.

Cliff, what are you doing?

Uh, I was going to
put a grapefruit on this.

Grapefruit. Health, dear. Yes.

The last time you had grapefruit
for breakfast on a Monday morning,

it was because you'd been
on a food binge all weekend.

Have you seen me eat anything
you think I shouldn't have?

No. I also didn't see the sun
come up in China this morning,

but I know it's there.

Oh, by the way, when
you were in the shower,

Dr. Herbert's office called to remind
you of your physical tomorrow afternoon.

I forgot about that physical.

Yes, and you're supposed to fast for
at least 12 hours before the physical

so that your system is clean
and pure for the blood test.

Yes, I know I'm supposed to
fast 12 hours before an exam.

You know, I'm a doctor.

Yes, I know. But the best
doctors make the worst patients.

Eat on, doc.

Lawyers make the
worst clients, too.

If you were a client for
yourself, you would be the worst.

I would have to bail
you out every time.

And another thing, I want to
tell you something right now.

The sun is not out in China
because it's nighttime in China.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Cleansing out my system.

Well, I have something here

that your system will enjoy
much more than carrots and celery.

Went down to the office,

and I got the other half of the
cheesecake we were eating this weekend.

Oh, boy, that really looks good.

Ha ha! Want some?

It's even better the second day.

No. No.

Theo, I can't do that.

I got a physical tomorrow.

I got to flush all of the
fatty foods out of my system.

Oh, fine. I'll just
polish it off myself.

No, no, no!

No, no.

After tomorrow, I can
eat anything I want, see?

I just don't want the
blood test to show anything

because, you know, your mother
will know what I've been eating.

You're afraid of
her, aren't you?

We can discuss that later.

Right now, four
glasses of water calls.

Dad, wait. I have
to talk to you.

Uh, go ahead, make it quick.

I hear you're having
a physical tomorrow.

- Yeah.
- Wait, daddy.

What?

They're going to stick you with
a needle for the blood test, right?

- Right.
- I know you must be scared.

Do you know what I
do when I get a shot?

Just when the doctor says
"I'm going to put the needle in,"

I fill my mouth up with
air, look at the ceiling,

and when he sticks me, I let it
all out and pretend I'm a balloon.

I'll remember that. Thank you.

Daddy. Wait.

What?

If you don't pass the physical tomorrow,
will we have to put you in a home?

Not yet.

Cliff? Hmm?

Here is the herbal tea
that you were asking for.

Ah, thank you.

Final stage of flushing my system
out. Have I been good or what?

Hi.

Hey! How was the
day with Quincy Jones?

- I wouldn't know.
- Oh?

I only saw the back of his head.

They rushed him right past me
into the studio and then shut the door.

And then about six hours
later, my boss comes out,

and he says, "Denise, we're going to lunch
with Quincy Jones... the Four Seasons.

Would you please
make reservations?"

I said, "Oh, that's great. I've
never been to the Four Seasons."

And he sort of laughed in my face
and said "You're not going anywhere.

You're staying here and
answering the phones."

I have been there for three whole
weeks, and I'm still doing the same job.

I mean, I am as good at answering phones
and making coffee as I am going to get.

Honey, it might not be what you
want, but you should keep at it.

If you do it well, people will notice.
They'll move you to the next level.

Not these people. They only
notice if you make a mistake.

And what mistakes have you made?

Okay. Hundreds of phone calls
come into the office every day.

It is impossible to keep
them all straight, right?

Like... yesterday, this
producer gets this phone call,

and the last four digits were something
like 8324, and I wrote down 8243, right?

All the digits were there.

I mean, big deal. But
this man has a conniption.

So finally, I dial all the combinations,
and I get the number right.

But does that stop
him from yelling at me?

Since I've been there, I've gotten
maybe a thousand phone calls,

and I've gotten only
20, 25 of them wrong.

But does anyone come up to me

and congratulate me for
the 975 that I've gotten right?

I'm going upstairs
to take a hot bath.

Denise, Charlene called. She
said she's going to be up till 10:30.

Charlene... Oh,
you mean Charlotte?

Yeah, yeah, Charlotte.

Thank you, Mom.

I appreciate it.

See? I'm grateful when
someone gives me a message.

And when I correct
them, I'm polite.

But are these people
at work polite or grateful?

No. They're too busy having lunch,
eating lobster at the Four Seasons.

They just want to keep me down.

They're afraid of
me. That's what it is.

When she said that she was
not going to go back to college,

I said, "Denise, I don't think
that this is a wise decision."

She said, "Dad,
please, please, Daddy.

I know what I'm doing. Please."

I want to go
upstairs, really, I do,

and I want to just walk up to
her and say, "I told you so."

No, no, no, no. You
don't do that to her.

Could I go upstairs, just write
on a piece of paper, "I told you so"

and slide it under
the bathroom door?

No.

Then can I rent an airplane
and have a sign on the back of it

and then pull it across the
window saying "I told you so"?

You eat your grapefruit.

I'm going to finish my grapefruit.
You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take the
seeds up to the hallway,

and I'll take every
seed, line them up,

and spell out "I told you so."

I'm going to go to the
pet store tomorrow,

and I'm going to buy a parrot,

and I'm going to teach it
to say, "Awk, I told you so.

"Awk, I told you so.
Awk, I told you so."

So the results from your blood test
should be back from the lab any minute now.

Really? Well, you guys
don't have to hurry that.

Well, you know how you
doctors take care of each other.

Well, I see an old man who's
ready to get on the treadmill.

Old man, huh?

When I finish this, I'll take you
outside, and we'll do a 200 meter run,

and you'll wind up with
me doing CPR on you, Jack.

Yeah, right, Cliff, right.

You two always
carry on like this?

Oh, ever since we've
been interns together.

Well, do you need some help
getting up on the treadmill, Pops?

Hey, no, wait. Don't
turn the thing on.

Come on, what is
the matter with you?

You should know better than
to stand on the machine like that.

I don't have one of these machines.
I deal with pregnant women.

I don't put pregnant
women on a thing like this.

Mrs. Young, what was
Dr. Huxtable's blood pressure?

140 over 80.

Right on the money, Dick.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

You know how this works.

We start you off slow and easy,

and we'll gradually increase
the speed and level of incline.

If you feel any chest pains
or any real heavy fatigue,

just give us a
signal, all right?

All right, fine.

All right, hit it.

Take it up to the next level.

Oh, we're really burning now.

If you two have anything
else you want to do,

why don't you go
ahead and do it?

I'll call you when the
machine is burned up.

How you feeling?

Perfect.

No problems?

Can you keep on going?

Yeah.

How long have I
been up on this thing?

Seven minutes.

Anybody else been
up on it this long?

As a matter of fact, yesterday there
was a man who went 14 minutes.

How old was he?

63.

63?

Now, Cliff, you
know how this works.

When you hear the tone, indicate
which ear by raising that hand, all right?

All done, Cliff.

All right. How'd I do?

Not too bad. You only
missed three tones.

Three? What...

Wait a minute. Here,
turn the machine on again.

Why? Look, your hearing is
perfectly normal for a man your age.

No, no, I don't want normal
for a man my age, man.

Come on. I want to
catch those other three.

Now tell me I can't
catch the three.

No, you got those three, plus
five that weren't even there.

So, in all seriousness,
what kind of shape am I in?

Well, overall, I'd say you're
in pretty good shape, Cliff.

Good.

But there were a couple
of things on your blood test

that quite frankly concern me.

I know what it is. My
cholesterol level is slightly high.

Right. And because it was
high, I had them do a lipid profile.

Now, Cliff, your
triglycerides are at 350,

Your LDL is at 160,
and your HDL is 40.

Had a little binge.

What kind of binge, Cliff?

Over the weekend I... I have
a love for hoagies, you know.

And I take the hoagie
with the cold cuts,

and then I put potato
chips in the middle,

you know, for... To
hear the crunchy sound.

Philadelphia-style.

Yes. That's... Oh,
I love it. I love it.

Don't worry about it.

I mean, one hoagie does not
necessarily constitute a binge.

Four.

Four?

Four.

Let me get this straight. You had
four hoagies over the weekend?

No, on Saturday.

I had four on Saturday

with, uh, a large bottle

of, uh, chocolate
soda... with each hoagie.

You had four large
bottles of chocolate soda?

Well, five, really.

Then I had another
one on, uh, Sunday...

with, uh, a half a cheesecake.

You ate a half a cheesecake?

Yeah, well, see, I
had these patients.

You have patients, and
some of them, you know,

they bake things for you,

and this woman baked
a cheesecake for me,

and, uh...

Was it one of those
thick cheesecakes

with the strawberries on
top with the crunchy crust?

And you know what else she did?

She made it so that
the swirl went around.

Then what you think is that your
cholesterol and your triglyceride level

might have been affected
by these four hoagies,

the five chocolate
sodas, large ones...

- Yeah.
- And half a cheesecake.

And then on Friday...

Friday?

See, I was... I was at
the hospital, uh, working...

Yeah.

And so I ordered a poached
salmon on melba toast.

Hey, there's nothing
wrong with that.

The fella that goes out
to get the stuff was Pedro.

Pedro.

Yeah, so he came
back with a, uh...

a fried catfish, uh...
on... on corn bread.

So you sent it back. Right?

Cliff?

Well, I couldn't, see, because I'm
getting ready to go into surgery, Bradley,

and I don't want to get weak and
pass out and fall on top of my patient.

Cliff, you're a doctor.
You know better than that.

I promise you, the next time
you see me, it will be better.

I know about guys like you.

You say you're only
going to eat one hoagie.

You're only going
to have one soda.

You're only going to eat one
small piece of cheesecake.

But you just can't stop.

You're like that wolf who sneaks
into the flock and eats his first sheep.

And the only way to stop him after
he gets that first taste is to shoot him.

Hey.

Oh, Hey!

Oh!

I have something to ask you.

Hmm. What?

How did your physical go today?

Well I mean, what
is there to say?

The man stuck me, he
jabbed me, and he poked me,

and then he said,
"Tell Clair I said hello."

And that's it?

Yeah.

Who is it?

Mom, it's Denise. Is
it a bad time to talk?

- Yes.
- No, come on in and talk.

Hi. Hi.

Mom, Dad, something
incredible happened to me today.

You produced a record with
Quincy Jones and Tina Turner.

No. This morning I went to my
boss and asked him for a promotion,

and he said, "You've only been
working for me for three weeks."

And I said, "Yes, but you're not
using me to my full capabilities.

You're not recognizing
my true talents."

And...

well, he said, "You're
fired. Get out of my office."

This is your incredible news?

Well, no, no, I'm not done yet.

So I went to this restaurant,
and I was very, very depressed,

and I was eating by myself...

and I ordered an entire
pizza and a milk shake,

and that made me think of Dad.

I said, "What would Dad do if he had
been fired from that record company

and had no hope for
the future, no money?"

He'd have gone
to medical school.

Exactly. You'd pick yourself
up, you'd dust yourself off,

because you're a
Huxtable, and so am I.

I'm a Huxtable, and
that's exactly what I did.

I went right to that
restaurant manager,

and I said, "Hi,
my name's Denise,

and I'll be the best waitress
that you've ever had."

So I'm a waitress!

He gave me an apron.

He said "We're short one
waiter tonight, you're on."

Mom, Dad, I had those
pizzas on those tables so quick,

I made $20 in tips tonight.

Now, I know I've been borrowing
a lot of money from you guys lately,

and so I want you
to have my tips.

Oh, honey, we
can't take your $20.

You want to bet?

Gee, I didn't think you
were really going to take it.

I'll put this away as some
kind of an account for you

because I know you'll be back.

I don't want you to think that I've
chosen waitressing as my final career.

It's just something temporary

until I find something more
permanent in fashion or music.

Good night.

But, by the way things are
going, I would not be surprised

if a record producer or
a great fashion designer

walked into my
restaurant, sat at my table,

and said, "Young lady, I like
the way you deliver those pizzas.

Come work for me."

Good night.

Good night, honey.

Well, hope springs eternal.

Yes, as long as you're
living with your parents.

Good night, Clair.

You haven't
answered my question.

Yes, I love you.

I know, but the question
is, how did your physical go?

And before you answer,
I think you should know,

I called Dr. Bradley
Herbert Jr.'s office today

and was told that you're scheduled
for another blood test in three months,

and that you're
on a strict diet.

Things are not good.

How not good are they?

Well, let's put it this way.

I'm not dead.

You need some help.

Clair...

my levels are off, honey.

My HDL, my LDL, my CBC.

I'll help your levels.

Will you help me...
burn my lipids?

They will burn.

Will you help me...
raise my HDL?

They're on the rise.

After that, will
you lower my LDL?

Cliff, move over here.

PDQ or some TNT?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

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