The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 25 - 57 Varieties - full transcript

♪♪ [orchestra tunes up]

♪♪ [theme]

I don't know. It's kinda late to
be asking my parents about this.

Well, if you think about it, a trip
to Egypt on an archeological dig...

We'll be a part of history.

Come on, Theo, how many college students
get a chance to do something like this?

I know. You guys are right.

All right. I'm
going to ask them.

Mom? Dad?

[Cliff and Clair] We're in here!

- They'll never go for it.
- Theo, you got to try!



I mean, now is the best time in
our lives to do something like this.

We're young, we're single, and
we don't have a family tying us down.

I agree. If we don't do it now,

we're gonna end
up like our parents:

they never did anything
when they were young.

Look, you don't want
to turn 50 and be saying,

"Man, I wish I went to
Egypt to dig with my buddies.

"I had the chance, but I
just let it slip out of my grasp.

"Now I'm old, and
lonely, and bitter...

Living in the projects..."

All right, I'll do it.
I'll do it. All right.

[sighs]

You guys, I can't do this!

There is no way my mom and
dad are going to give me $1,500!



Don't you have any savings?

I had $750 from
my part-time job.

My mom and dad
kicked in the other half.

I spent all the money I had.

Remember the damages
to the house from that party?

- Ooh.
- $500.

All those parking tickets I got?

$325.

Ooh!

Hey, Lou, how'd
you get the money?

I got a grant. You see,
because I have a 4.0 average,

and my parents don't have much
money, I'm eligible for assistance.

Your problem is, you
got the wrong parents.

They're rolling in it.

Just 'cause my
parents are rolling in it

doesn't mean they're just
gonna give me the money.

I can see my
mother now: "$1,500?

You want us to give you $1,500?"

And then my dad's gonna say,

"That's a lot of money for
someone who only gets C's."

Tell them the trip will
be very educational,

and result in your
getting higher grades.

No, I don't want
to tell them that.

- Why?
- Then I'm gonna have to get higher grades.

And that's gonna
kill you? Come on.

Look, we'll even go in
there with you when you ask.

The three of us will be like the
three points of an ancient pyramid.

Thus, my friend, you will
receive great cosmic power.

[sighs] All right.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

How are you doing,
Mrs. and Dr. Huxtable?

Hello.

I need to ask you
guys a question.

When you think back

to the very foundation
of civilization,

what period sticks out in your mind
as the one you'd most like to visit?

The one when your
mother and I had no children.

That was a very clever
retort, Dr. Huxtable.

Yeah. Thank you,
Howard. [chuckles]

Okay, gentlemen, okay. Speak up.

Let's get on with this.
I do have a life to live.

Well, one of our
professors is putting together

an archeological dig
in Egypt this summer,

and I would really like
your permission to go.

Of course. Go ahead.

I need $1,500.

Well, I think you better get a spoon
and go out in the back yard, son.

You want us to give you $1,500?

You know, $1,500 is a lot of money to
give somebody who's just making C's.

I wouldn't need all
this money from you

if it hadn't been for some
unforeseen expenses.

Like what? When you threw a party
after we went away for the weekend,

and then your friends busted
all the furniture and everything?

Or amassing over
$300 in parking tickets?

Exactly.

See, but those things
were not my fault.

See, I didn't know all those kids
were gonna show up at the party.

And for those first
15 parking tickets,

they never even
sent me a notice.

Besides, most of the expense for
this trip to Egypt is the plane ticket.

Now, I didn't make up
the price for the ticket.

And I cannot help it if we
just happen to be so rich

that I can't get a grant.

Your mother and I
graduated from college

and we went on
to graduate school.

Graduated.

We are rich.

You have nothing.

Dr. Huxtable, if you allow
Theo to go on this trip

with two exemplary
students such as Lou and me,

it could only have a good
influence on your son.

That's right. We'll
straighten him out.

If you two could
straighten out this,

there would be a
small grant in it for you.

Hey.

Does that mean I can go?

Now, we didn't say that. No.

First of all, we have to
know something about, uh,

how long are you
going to stay there?

What are the conditions?

And, will you be staying
by yourself in certain places?

Things like that.
Because, after all,

you are just a C student.

No problem. I'll have Professor
Grayson talk to you guys.

Dr. Huxtable, Theo will be
better for this, I guarantee it.

- Agreed.
- Okay.

Let me put it to you this way.
We haven't said he's going to go.

But if he does, you two
are to be held responsible.

And if he comes back
the same as he was,

you owe us $1,500.

Professor Grayson! Hi, Theo.

Hi, can I ask you
a question? Sure.

I was talking to my parents
about the trip to Egypt,

and it seems like
they may say yes,

but I think I need
someone to talk to them

to give them that
extra... [grunts]

Sure! I'd love to meet
your parents in person.

Well, how's tonight at 6:00?

All right! Thanks.

- Hey, guys.
- How did you make out with your parents?

Did they give you the money
to go on the trip to Egypt?

I had no problem. My dad
even offered me more money

if I transferred to the
University of Cairo.

I think he was kidding.

How about you guys?

We're in, but Theo's
still a question mark.

He's in parental limbo.

Yeah, but they're going to decide
after they talk to Professor Grayson.

Hey, Gene, you going to Egypt?

Boys, boys! Egypt?

I'm not spending my good
money to go someplace

where it's 110
degrees in the shade.

Last time we met, we were discussing
the contributions of black Africans

on the Egyptian civilization.

Now, the Kush
Kingdom ruled Egypt

from 747 to 656 B.C.

At that time, there was a great
mixture of cultures and races

coexisting in Egypt.

I guess I would have
fit in very well there.

Professor Grayson,
are you Egyptian?

No, Mr. Hernandez, I'm not.

- Are you Irish?
- Casey, you think everybody's Irish.

[laughing]

Now, wait a minute. My
great-grandmother was Irish.

I knew she was
a sister. [chuckles]

But I'm not only Irish.

There are two parts left. Does
anybody want to take a guess?

- Jewish.
- No.

- Native American.
- That's right! Cherokee.

I'm Cherokee too. I
knew she was a sister.

Maybe by the time this class is
over, she'll be everybody's sister.

There's one part left. Anybody?

Korean. No.

- Japanese?
- No.

Chinese. Swedish! No.

No, and I think you've
used up your turn.

Professor Grayson, I
think I know the last part.

African-American.

- Correct.
- Really?

Whoa.

So then, as an
American, you represent

what was already here, what came
over and what was brought over.

Deep.

Not necessarily. Some Irish were
brought here as indentured servants.

So I could represent what was here,
what was brought, and what was brought.

Deeper.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.
- Hello, Kenny. Come in.

- Rudy's upstairs.
- Thank you.

- Mrs. Huxtable?
- Yes.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yes!

Do you have any job
openings at your law office?

Are you looking for a job?

- No, my brother is.
- Oh, he wants to change careers?

Yeah, he got fired from his job.

- What happened?
- He had a big date.

So he borrowed the company car.

The company car?

Yeah, he wanted to take
her someplace special.

- Where'd they go?
- Florida.

Kenny, don't you think
that was a little out of line,

taking the company
car and going to Florida?

He brought it back
with a full tank of gas.

You realize, of course, that if
your brother did work at our law firm,

he'd be working for me.

That's okay.

But Kenny, this is the brother you
said never wanted to work for a woman.

I know, but he's desperate.

I might welcome the opportunity
to have your brother work for me.

All right! Maybe if he
does a really good job,

you could give him a promotion.

Then he could work for a man.

Kenny, come here.

You know, your brother

has poisoned your
mind against women.

And one of these days, you're going
to quote your brother to some woman

who is a little less
civilized than I.

And she's going to grab you by your
ankles and twirl you around in the air

till those cavemen ideas
come swirling out of your ears.

- Is that what you want to have happen?
- No.

I also suggest that
you tell your brother

that if he comes into my office
spouting those muddleheaded ideas,

I'm going to become like
that less civilized woman.

Got it? Yes, ma'am.

- Good!
- Mrs. Huxtable?

Yes?

Do you know if Dr. Huxtable
has any job openings at his office?

Hey, look. We'll
spend two days in Giza.

- That's where the Sphinx is.
- Well, check this out.

"Students will also visit Abydos."
That was the Temple of Seti.

He was the father of Ramses II.

I hope we get to visit
the Valley of the Kings.

That's where King Tut's tomb is.

I hope we do better than that. I hope
we find some of King Tut's treasures.

Ah, you can forget about that,
'cause they cleared out the tomb.

There's nothing
left. Well, I know.

But maybe there's some
treasures buried in the tombs

of the people who
worked for King Tut.

Like King Tut's tailor.
Or King Tut's babysitter.

They may have some gold
statues buried with them.

Yeah, but Lou, even if
you found those things,

you'd have to turn them over to the
government for scientific research.

Wait a minute. You telling me that
if I found a statue worth $8 million,

I got to give it up for science?

That's right.

Well, let me ask you two
a philosophical question.

What if a Brink's truck
was driving by your house,

and the back doors opened up,

and a sack of $1,000 bills
landed on your front steps.

Now, would you give
that up for science?

You can't compare an
ancient statue to new money.

Oh, yes, I can. Both of them will buy
me a nice oceanfront condominium.

Well, they say if you steal
something from a mummy's tomb,

you'll be cursed for
the rest of your life.

Lou, it's going to be difficult for
you to enjoy that condominium

if your back looks like a turtle shell
and your face looks like a donkey.

I'll still party.

Ah, there we go.

Hey! Now don't touch it.

This is for Professor Grayson.

Not for you moochers.

The moochers want
something, you go in the kitchen.

Dr. Huxtable, sometimes
those remarks hurt.

I call 'em the way I see 'em.
You're a moocher. In the kitchen.

[babbling]

Dr. Huxtable, I really think you're
going to like Professor Grayson.

She's a brilliant teacher.

But what I find most fascinating
about her is that her origins

are very difficult to ascertain.

Yeah, you'll never be able
to figure out what she is.

I would imagine that people
like your professor really get tired

of people walking up to them
and saying, "What are you?

What are you?"

I had a friend, and they were
always bothering him with that, man.

They'd look at
him, and they'd look,

and then they'd say, "What
are you? What are you?"

And finally, he just
got tired, man. He said,

"I'm an arachnid."

- That's a spider.
- I know what it is!

A-R-A-C-H-N-I-D. Arachnid.

But Dr. Huxtable. Professor
Grayson does not mind.

She brought it up in
the class herself today.

Really? [doorbell rings]

- Okay, then what is she?
- I'm not telling!

No, no. Come on.
You got to guess!

No... Get your...
Please, I ask you.

Hello, Theo. Hi,
Professor Grayson.

This is my dad, Dr. Huxtable.

Professor Grayson. Hello.

- Have a seat, please.
- Hi, Professor Grayson.

- Howdy.
- Howard, Lou.

Well, Dad? Well, what?

What is she? Look.

I am not going to sit around
here playing, "What is she?"

I know what you are, a fool.

It's okay. People ask
me that all the time.

Go ahead and guess.

Go ahead and guess? Guess?

I would have to guess...

If you want me to guess, everybody
wants the good doctor to guess...

Then fine... You're
a human being!

Dr. Huxtable, I believe
that is called "stalling."

Now come on, we want you to
guess all parts of her background.

Yeah, all three parts.

Ha! Okay.

If it's all right,
then let's hit it.

I have a question first.

Let's say that you are
running for president,

and you're going
to address this town.

I am the town, and
I happen to contain

all three of the parts of
what you're made up of.

How can you make
it significant to me?

- This is a very clever question.
- Thank you.

Let me see if I can't
come up with a speech.

"My fellow citizens of
the good town of Grayson.

- "I'm so happy to be here today."
- Good.

"Looking out on your
rolling, green hills...

Mm-hmm.

"So well known for
its beautiful poetry.

Uh-huh. Poetry.

"And I know of your
concern about drilling rights.

"And the proper use of our land's
minerals and natural resources.

Natural resources.

"And I also know of
your concern for equality.

"We will continue to
work towards this goal.

And if necessary, join hands
and raise our voices in freedom."

That was good!

I got every one of
those references. Dad?

Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh!

"Rolling green hills."

Rolling... green... hills.

Golf. Golf course!

Rolling hills. See?

And, the Scottish
people invented golf.

Now!

Something about drilling rights.

Oil.

Texas.

Texas once was...

Mexico.

[guffawing]

Ooh, whee!

And... I should work for
immigration, you know?

We're talking about
voices... Raising voices...

Singing? Huh?

Opera.

Italy!

So, I say that you are Scottish,

Mexican and Italian... Hah-hah!

Deal with it.

Hey, Dad. Hey!

Deal with 0-for-3.

- Really? No, come on. Really?
- Hello?

[Howard] Hi.

Hi. Hello. You must
be Professor Grayson?

Pleasure to meet you.

Thank you, I'm Clair Huxtable. This
is my father-in-law, Russell Huxtable.

Delighted.

- And this is our daughter, Vanessa.
- Hello.

We're playing a little guessing
game here that Dad just totally failed.

Well, I had, uh, bad leads.

Can you guess what Professor
Grayson's background is?

Dad said Scottish,
Mexican and Italian.

Oh, that is so silly.

How could you think
something like that?

Give it a try. Let's see
you go down in flames.

Well, now, it's just obvious,
just looking at Professor Grayson,

that she is part
Native American.

Whoo! That's right!

- Cherokee.
- Lucky guess.

Now, I think I see some strong
Celtic features in your face.

Are you by any
chance, part Irish?

Correct!

Dad? Yes?

You couldn't guess the
last one? It's so obvious.

Professor Grayson, you
must be part African-American.

And that's correct
also. My brother.

Now, the three of you could see
all that just from looking at her?

That's right, son, and
we would have known it

even if Theo hadn't have
told us this afternoon.

See?

Okay, okay. You
all get out of here

and take Miss Heinz
57 Varieties with you.

Hi, Theo. Did Mom and Dad
give you permission to go to Egypt?

No, they're still
thinking about it.

I hope you get to go.
The teacher's really nice.

I like her too, no matter
what her race or culture is.

Well, that's very
open-minded of you, Kenny.

It doesn't matter what
background a woman comes from,

as long as she
cooks and has money.

Please.

I know why you want to
go on that trip to Egypt.

I'd go anywhere
with Miss Grayson.

Kenny, she wouldn't even
give you a second look.

Don't worry, Rudy. I'm
not really interested in her.

- I already have a beautiful woman.
- Who?

You.

You do not have me.
I'm just your friend.

Sometimes, I
wonder why I'm that.

Yeah, my brother
says I'm a catch.

Well, if I caught you, I'd
throw you back in the ocean.

Well, go ahead, because
there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Well, when the fish see you,
they'll start walking on land.

Hey, do you guys have to
do this right here, right now?

This is a very tense time for me. I'm
waiting for Mom and Dad's decision.

So would you please leave?

Okay. Come on,
Mr. Catch. Let's move it.

No man will ever tame her.

We got it. Hey.

Your mother and I have
come to a decision, all right?

We think that it's a wonderful
thing for you to spend the summer

learning about
ancient civilization.

You do?

Yeah. But we just don't
want you to limit it to Egypt.

We would like for you
to broaden it a little bit.

- All right!
- How would you like to see

other cultures... for instance,
like, you have the Pacific islands,

the Amazon rain forest...

- Do I have time for all that?
- Definitely!

Because your mother
and I would like to buy you

a membership to the
Museum of Natural History.

Now, you take the subway,
and every day you want to,

you can go right on down
there and see, up close,

all of the cultures of Asia.

There you are, my boy,
having a wonderful time.

- Are you serious?
- Yes! And you know what else?

Gotcha! Ah-ha-ha! I can go?

Dad! Thank you. You
and Mom are the best.

I'll go upstairs and
thank her now. Okay!

Okay, okay. But wait, wait, wait,
wait. Give me my money back.

- The what?
- Give me the $45 back.

That was just a
joke, now, come on.

You know, Dad, it was a good
joke, and you got your money's worth.

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