The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 24 - Day of the Locusts - full transcript

♪♪ [orchestra tunes up]

♪♪ [theme]

Yes, Sondra. That's exactly
what I would prescribe.

Dr. Newman's
right on the button.

Yeah. Sure.
Penicillin's just fine.

And please do me a favor.
Take it the whole nine days.

Don't stop just because
you feel good, all right?

And that should get rid
of that old strep throat.

Yes, indeed!

You have a fine doctor. Bye-bye.

- That was Sondra?
- Yeah!



Why is she taking penicillin?

She has strep throat.

Oh.

Well, I would have liked
to have talked to her.

Well, she didn't
ask for you, dear.

She was talking to me, you know?

But I'm her mother.

Right! Right! You are. Ha ha ha!

But you are not a doctor.
You're not a doctor.

So you're a doctor. So
what does that mean?

Does that mean
you know everything?

What did you tell her
to do with the babies?

She shouldn't be
breathing on those babies.

Well, uh, no, of course not.



So I told her that she
could wear a mask, you see?

- A mask?
- Yeah.

Cliff, bacteria are
tiny little whatever.

They can get through
anything they please.

Did you tell her to scrub the
walls down with disinfectant?

That's what you should have told
her to do. Did you tell her to do that?

No, I... I didn't.

See? Now that's what I'm talking
about. You told the child to use a mask.

A mask! What is that gonna do?

A mask! That just
goes to show you.

You don't know anything
about sick people.

She needs her mother.
She doesn't need a doctor.

A mask, indeed!

I'm going over there. I will
solve this problem myself.

Gonna go right over
here, I'll call Francine.

I'll take her with me because
she's a grandmother, too.

A mask!

What is a mask going to do?

Jesse James wore a mask.

A lot of good that did people.

I'm just here
for a little while...

and then the Angel of
Mercy will come and get me.

Just a minute,
honey, I'm coming!

[babies crying]

Oh, it's okay, Winnie.
Don't be afraid.

It's only Mommy wearing a mask.

Now, Francine, before
we go in this apartment,

let's remember why we've come.

We're here to get those babies.

I agree. She shouldn't be
breathing on those babies.

The last thing she needs on
her hands is a couple sick babies.

[rings doorbell]

Oh, Winnie, I'll be right back.

[Winnie crying]

My baby!

Mom, it's just strep
throat. I'll be okay.

Nonsense, Sondra. Strep throat
is serious business. You lie down.

And who is this over
here making all this noise?

Oh, it's Winnie.

There, there, now. You
don't have to do that...

You heard me. You
lie down right now.

Oh, but I don't need
to lie down, honest.

You need to lie down.
Don't argue with me.

But, Mom, I have a million
things to do around here.

You're not going to do anything.

That's right. We're here
to see that you get better.

I made you some hot
chicken soup. I'll get a bowl.

Yes, and I'm gonna
put this blanket on you.

Now hold on there.

But, Mom, I don't
need a nap right now.

Oh, honey, it's all right.

I'm gonna fix it so you don't
have to move to get a thing.

Here's your telephone.

Here's your remote
control for your television.

And lots of magazines.

Now you just stay down.

Oh, thank you, Mom.

It has been really
hard being sick

and having to take
care of the babies, too.

Sweetheart, I know. That's why we're
here to take care of the babies for you.

Oh, Mom, I appreciate that, but
I can't expect you to stay here.

Oh, we're not gonna stay here.

That's right. Your mother and I are
taking Winnie and Nelson with us.

You're taking the babies?

We have to. You don't want
them to get sick, do you?

Francine, don't
forget the rattlers.

Check.

No, but Daddy said the
mask will protect the babies.

What does your father know?
When did he have a baby?

Francine?

The box of diapers and an
extra blanket in the bedroom.

Check. Check.

But, Mom, do you
have to take them?

I've never been without
my babies before.

Sweetheart, I now
exactly how you feel.

I felt the same way when I had to
give you to Grandma and Grandpa

that time that I had the flu.

But when I look back on it,
it was the only thing to do.

Listen to your mother, Sondra.

Right. Now don't you cry.
You've got to go to sleep.

Come on. I'm gonna
take you with me.

We're gonna have
a good old time.

That's right, shalobo. You and
your sister are coming with us.

Say good-bye to Mommy.

Say good-bye to Mommy.

Oh, bye, Winnie. Bye, Nelson.

Mommy would kiss you, but
I don't want you to get sick.

And don't forget to eat that
soup. We'll call you later.

- Check?
- Okay.

Would you please do us a favor?

Then next time you get
sick, would you call us first?

Okay, I will.

Thank you, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Hi, hon.

Sondra!

- What?
- Where are the babies?

Where are the babies?

Oh, your mother and
my mother took them.

Oh.

[sighs]

Good.

What, did they take them
out for a little air or something?

No, they took them away.

What do you mean
they took them away?

They're keeping
them until I get well.

Until you get well?

Sondra, that might
be two or three weeks!

Why did you let
them do that, honey?

You just sat here while
they took our children away?

Elvin, it was for the
babies' own good.

This way, Winnie and
Nelson won't get sick.

But they weren't
going to get sick.

We're wearing masks.

Elvin, I'm sorry.

I was really tired,

and it sounded like
the right thing to do.

I'm sure it did, but, you know,

there was no reason why
those babies had to leave.

I think that they
used your sickness

as an excuse to take our babies.

Elvin, don't be ridiculous.

Honey, look around!

I mean, there's
hardly anything left.

The only thing left
is the baby football.

Now that you mention it,

they were very persistent.

In fact, every time
I tried to get up,

they shoved me back down.

And then you should
have seen their faces

when they got their
hands on those babies.

They were cackling.

Elvin, our mothers
stole our babies!

Honey, I didn't say that.
All I was trying to say...

No, they came in here and they lied
to me about how I'd get the babies sick!

And then they snatched
them out of their playpen,

and they ran off into the night!

Sweetheart, um, I think
you're jumping to conclusions.

Why don't you
just sit down here.

I think your sickness might be
clouding your judgment a little bit.

No, Elvin, I'm
going to get dressed,

and you're driving me
over to my mother's house.

We've got to
rescue our children.

Uh, do you really think
you should leave the house?

You're sick, you know.

Elvin, I'm going.
Are you in or out?

I'm... I'm in.

Good.

And when we get there, I
want you to stay in the car

and leave the motor running in case
we have to make a quick getaway.

[TV Announcer] And now it's time for
the health news segment of our program.

All right. Is the game on yet?

- No, but this will be off soon.
- All right!

[TV Announcer] The latest
findings from the Council on Nutrition

indicate that Americans
consume too many fatty foods.

In the past, the focus
has been on cholesterol.

But these studies show
fat is even more dangerous.

Some foods that are high in
saturated fat include potato chips,

cheese, processed
meats, and fried meats.

The highest incidents of
health problems occur in people

who consume large
amounts of these foods.

People who are drawn to these foods should
learn to control their eating habits.

For some, the challenge
is simply too great,

and we recommend that these people
seek professional help with a nutritionist.

All right!

Don't move!

- Where are they?
- Who?

Don't play dumb with
me, Dad. You know who.

If I knew who,
I'd tell you where.

My babies, Winnie and
Nelson. Where are they?

You don't know here
your own children are?

Your wife, my mother,
along with Elvin's mother,

took them right
out from under me!

Walked out! Leaving
me on the couch childless!

They haven't been here.

Ha!

Now I'm going to find my babies

if I have to tear this
place apart brick by brick.

Hi. Where's Sondra?

She's somewhere around
here tearing my house apart.

Elvin, did you do
something to her?

I may be slightly
responsible for all this.

I told Sondra...

I kind of suggested to her that our mothers
took the babies out of the apartment

because they wanted
to spend time with them.

I had no idea she was going to
get as upset about this as she did.

I should have known
they wouldn't be upstairs.

That's too obvious.

They won't outsmart
me. I'll find them.

And when I do,
someone's going to pay!

- What do I do?
- Find the babies.

Do you know where they are?

Man, all I know is
my wife left out of here

screaming about I don't
know anything about medicine.

Now, that's all I know. I
don't know where my wife is.

You mean, you don't
know where your wife went?

I mean, how could
you not know that?

Because I have about as much control
over my wife as you have over yours.

I guess at a time like this,

my life must look pretty
good to both of you.

They're not in the kitchen.

They're not in the basement,
and they're not in the garage.

Did you check under the couch?

Elvin, we're going to
your mother's house.

If they're not there, we're
going to my grandparents house.

And if they're not there, we're
going to your aunt's house.

Honey, my aunt lives all
the way up in the Bronx.

I don't care. If we have
to, we'll drive to Ohio.

We'll drive to Florida.

We'll drive any place we have
to to get those babies back.

D-Dad, what do I do?

Send me a postcard.

[Sondra] Elvin, move it!

You better move it, boy!

[TV Announcer] And thus you see what a
normal dietary plan for an adult should be.

Now we'd like to show you a
photograph of the heart of a person

who has spent a lifetime
consuming fatty foods.

Notice the abnormal
amounts of fatty deposits on...

Hi, ladies!

We were in the neighborhood, so we thought
we'd stop by with a couple of our friends.

Oh, they're such cuties!
I've got to take a picture.

Please come down here,
ladies, while I get my camera.

We just came from the mall, and
there were at least a dozen people

who came up to us and
wanted to pinch their cheeks.

I don't blame them.
They're irresistible.

Look at these faces!

Oh, look. He loves you. You
are irresistible, aren't you?

I'm ready for the pictures!

Oh, wait!

We gotta do their hair!

Oh, no, wait a minute
now. This is a boy.

You cannot put that
ribbon in his hair.

I'll spike it.

That's perfect.

Now... Look at that!

You tell me. Are they ready
for a fashion magazine or what?

Okay.

Now, everybody smile.

Say "Baby cheese."

- Baby cheese!
- Baby cheese!

You know who's gonna
love these pictures? Sondra.

You know it. She is so lucky
to have people like us in her life.

Sondra was very upset.

You should have heard
the way she gave it to Dad.

Sondra yelled at Dad?

Mm-hmm. Theo
told me all about it.

He said she wailed on
Dad, showed him no mercy.

You know what this
means, don't you?

That when we grow up,
we can yell at Dad, too.

No. It means Dad is probably
very hurt by what happened.

It's up to us to
rebuild his ego.

How do we do that?

Well, I don't know. This
has never happened before.

Just say whatever you can
think of to make him feel better.

- Like what?
- I don't know. Just say something.

Hey, guys.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.

Hello, Father!

Hello, daughter!

Dad, I just want you to know that you
have been a great influence on my life.

Me, too. I have a
lot of respect for you.

Thank you.

As a father and a man.

Thank you.

Is there anything
to want us to do?

Because we recognize your
position as the authority figure.

And you smell good, too.

How much?

- Pardon me?
- How much?

How much? How much money
do you guys want? Come on.

Dad, we don't want any money.

We just love you
because you're our father.

Well, since you
asked, I'll take a dollar.

Ew!

Look who's here!

Babies! Aah!

Oh, what did you
do to their hair?

We stopped by the beauty
parlor to have a little fun.

We have some pictures here.

Really?

Oh! I'm sure Sondra
will love to look at these.

We're gonna take
'em by the apartment.

I don't think it's
gonna be necessary.

She should be coming
back here pretty soon.

Sondra was here?

[all] Mm-hmm

She came over here
and yelled at Dad.

Uh-huh. She wailed off his head.

She did not wail on my head.

Did you see her wail on my head?

- No.
- All right, then.

So how can you say somebody
wailed on somebody's head?

Now give me back
that dollar I gave you.

Why don't you girls take the babies
upstairs and change their diapers?

- Okay.
- Come on!

Okay, and I'm telling Sondra where
the babies are when she gets here.

Now, Cliff, what is going on?

Well...

I was sitting here. My
son and I, we were eating,

and this woman came into
the house with this mask on

and said, "Don't anybody move!
Where are they? Where'd they go?"

[yelling in gibberish]

The woman is looking
for the two of you,

and she's serious,
I'm telling you.

She thinks that you two
came over to her house

to deliberately take those
children away from her.

That is absurd.

Did we go over there
to take those babies?

No!

Yeah.

Well, uh... remember?
In the car you said,

"Those babies are coming
with us no matter what she says."

But of course! But we did
it for their own good, right?

[laughs]

Listen, you don't have
to tell me anything.

I'm not the person
who's looking for you.

And she is looking
for both of you.

And I'll tell you another thing.

When she finds you,
I'm going under a rock.

Cliff, it isn't going to be
anything like that now.

I'll just apologize
for what happened.

Coming from one mother to another,
she'll understand. Everything will be fine.

Fine with me.

Elvin, block this exit.

Hi, everybody.

Don't be nice to them.

Now, Sondra, I can
see that you're upset.

I know that we took the babies,
and for that, I do apologize.

So do I. I'm very sorry.

But we had the
best of intentions.

And to tell you the truth, the
children had a great time with us.

See? We have pictures.

You took my babies
to the beauty parlor?

Yeah. They were a big hit.

You took my babies out of my house
so that they wouldn't get my germs

and then you took
them into a public place

where dozens of people
were breathing on them?

Sondra... I am talking!

These are my children.
I gave birth to them.

Do you have any
idea how hard it is

to give birth to two
babies at once?

Pretty darn hard,
I will tell you that.

- Now, Sondra, we only...
- I am still talking!

I gave birth to these babies.

You are confused.
You are my mother.

I am their mother.
What I say goes.

I tell people what they can
or cannot do with my children.

Now if either of you
ever tries this again

the next time you see these children
will be at their college graduation.

Now, Elvin, get upstairs
and get our babies.

Keep me covered.

Nobody moves
until I'm out of here.

And if anyone tries to follow
us, they're going to get it.

Do you think it's safe
for us to move now?

Do you feel lucky?

[chuckling]

I just have to give you
a little bit of tea here.

Try and soothe
your little... [laughs]

Oh! The way your daughter
came over here today

and ran over your face. [laughs]

She did not run over my face.

Oh! Tell me anything
while I'm looking at ya!

Stood there with
a mask on saying...

"You are my mother,
and I am their mother,

and don't you go
no further, Mother."

You enjoyed that, didn't you?

Are you kidding me?

I sat back in that chair, I
was tasty pudding, man.

I was enjoying that.

We really did have
good intentions.

We thought we were
doing the right thing.

We just got a little
carried away, that's all.

Why don't you stop it.

The funniest thing,
see, is the two of you...

I don't know what you call
yourselves or what act it is...

Went over there and took
the woman's children...

after telling me, "You don't
know anything about medicine.

What do you know about
strep throat and penicillin?"

Went over there and took...

And did something
that even I, a doctor...

I have more sense than that than
to take a woman's children away.

Well, how did you
come to know so much?

I think I was
about 10 years old,

and, uh, it was
a little blue jay.

A little baby blue jay,
uh, was flying around

and hit... and hit a tree
and went down. Poom!

And I picked it up and was
dusting it off 'cause it was stunned.

And I said, "Now, if
I help this little bird,

this bird will be
my friend for life."

Like your pet bird Charlie.

No, no, no, I sat on Charlie.

I was just brushing him
and taking care of him.

I looked up and saw this
mother blue jay was flying at me.

And the face was
like this, and came...

I don't know what she
thought I was doing, you know,

but she just came, and then
she landed on top of my head...

and started picking...
Picking my hair out.

And was like... [knocking
sound]... like that.

And digging the claws...

And then came round to the front

and started pecking
on my forehead.

And that's what
happened to you today.

You went out there and
got your forehead pecked off.

- I guess so.
- Yeah.

But what happened
to the baby blue jay?

I came in the house,
and my mother said,

"What is the matter
with your forehead?

You know how she talks.

[imitating his mother] "What is
the matter with your forehead?"

It had all these
little holes in it.

She went upstairs,
got my football helmet,

put it on, went out,
grabbed the baby blue jay.

The mother came down,

landed on my mother's head,
and started pecking on the helmet.

So my mother said, "See?"

Now, you have proven my point.

Let the record show...

you did not know
what you were doing.

Your mother knew.

[stammering] So
what are you saying?

I mean, are you saying the
next time you go over to Sondra's

you're gonna wear
a football helmet?

♪♪ [theme]

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