The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 23 - What He Did for Love - full transcript

♪♪ [orchestra tunes up]

♪♪ [theme]

There isn't any
movie I want to see.

Hey, how about this one?
Unusual Circumstances.

You guys know what that's about?

I think that's a remake
of a French movie.

Hey.

- Dr. Huxtable.
- Hey, Doc.

Hey, Dad, didn't you and Mom see
this movie Unusual Circumstances?

- Yeah.
- What's it about?

It's about three swinging bachelors,
and they live in the same apartment,



and somebody leaves a baby
porcupine in front of their door.

But then a Dalmatian comes
along and, uh, attacks the porcupine,

and the porcupine gives some
porcupines to the Dalmatian,

and they had to take the
Dalmatian to this hospital

where they meet these
three attractive nurses.

And so it just started
to... it was just...

I mean, that was
about all it was about.

That's too deep for us, Dad.

Yeah, and it was too deep
for your mother and me,

but then again, you know,
we laid out $7.00 apiece,

so you just stay with
the movie, you know.

We're not going to make any
movie if Denny doesn't hurry up.

He's already 15 minutes late.

Again? It's love.



Denny's in love?

It's worse. The
man's hypnotized.

He's dating an acting student.

Jade Marsh.

Wait, isn't that the woman
you kissed in the dorm lounge

and Justine caught you?

Yeah, that's the one.

Guys, I got it.

At the all-night theater on 44th Street,
we got a triple feature of kung fu movies.

Yes! All right.

They're playing Enter the
Ninja, Fist of Destruction,

and Master Chin Meets Master Fu.

Ooh, Kung Fu movies.

A-n-n-n-n!

A-n-n-n-n!

You're not so good.

Hnn! Chin Wong... ha ha!
I thought you were dead.

Hnn. Watch yourselves,
or you'll be in a...

lot of trouble.

[imitates fighting noises]

Waa-waa.

Hey, ha ha! What you looking at?

Hnn! Pot belly.

Ha ha!

Chin Wong, I thought
you were dead.

Oh!

Hmn. Ow!

Ow! Ow!

[imitating birds chirping]

[imitates phone ringing]

Hnn! Hello?

What? We don't sell rice cakes here.
Hnn. You've got the wrong number.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, it's the lovebird.

What's up, man?

Hey, guys. Hey, Theo, what's up?

Hey, where you been?

Ah, couldn't help it.

Jade has the lead in this play,
and now she needs me for support.

Yeah, right, Denny.

Guys, I wish you
could have been there.

Jade is playing Medea.
This is her greatest role yet.

She gets to wear this very
short toga. It's powerful.

That's nice.

Theo, I forgot to eat lunch today.
You have anything in the fridge?

Yeah. I could use
a snack myself.

No problem. Mom and Dad went
and bought groceries this morning.

Let's go.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, how you doing?

Dr. Huxtable.

A-n-n-n-n-n!

A-n-n-n-n-n!

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

What do you think you're doing?

Ha ha! We've come for food.

Rice cakes, Father.

No, you've come for nothing.
$2.00 per person. Let's go.

Dad, you're not going to
charge us $2.00 apiece for food?

See what he grabbed? You're
getting a deal for $2.00 apiece.

That's a good point,
Dr. Huxtable, but I don't have $2.00.

Hey, Lou, keep giving
me the same line.

You owe me $492,000.

What?

Hey, guys, you have to see this.

I found it on the way over here.

I was walking on Atlantic Avenue,
and I saw something shiny in the grass.

- Where is it?
- Here it is.

Whoa.

Man, this is an expensive watch.

Yeah. I thought it might be.

And this is a designer watch.
This says Jacques Pardo.

I saw one of these on Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous.

Boy, I never thought I'd
be sitting this close to one.

If it's that valuable, maybe I
should take it to the police station?

What for? A policeman
didn't lose this.

Uh-uh. They can't afford
one of these on their salary.

What am I going to do
with it? It's a woman's watch.

Well, Denny, if it's
a woman's watch,

maybe there's a woman
you want to give it to.

Theo, you are a genius.
Jade would love this.

Let's go the cafe now. She
hangs out there after rehearsal.

- What about this food?
- Come on, guys, I am too excited to eat.

I need you to back me up.

You know how I get
around beautiful women.

My mouth dries up,
and foam comes out.

All right, Den,
we've got your back.

All right.

Lou, come on.

I'm paying $2.00 for
this. I'm getting food to go.

Thank you.

Oh, gosh, I'm feeling
the foam coming back.

Drink more water,
man, loosen up.

It will all turn out great.

When you give her the watch,
remember what we told you to say.

Yeah, man, practice the
line. Work on your chops.

Jade, I would like to present
you with this token of my affliction.

No, no, man, affection.

What did I say?

Affliction.

I'm gonna blow it. She's
gonna laugh in my face.

Maybe Denny should
just mail it to her.

No, no, no. I can do this. Once
I'm past the first sentence, I'll be fine.

Jade, I would like to present you with
this watch as a token of my affection.

All right. Good, good.

This watch is as
timeless as your...

Our love. Our love.

Well, guys, Jade's here.

Dennis, darling.

Hi.

Oh, hello, Leo, Stu, Pritchett.

Theo. Lou.

Mitchell.

Fine.

Dennis, I am beside
myself with anger.

What is it, my sweet?

I mean, how could a campus newspaper
write some vicious things about me?

I was the star of the play.

Listen to this.

"The only problem this reviewer
had with the play Mother Courage

"was the performance
of Jade Marsh.

"Her acting reminds me of
a ham and cheese sandwich

without the cheese and bread."

Me?

A ham?

Don't feel so bad, Jade.
Lots of people like ham.

This is so upsetting. I
must have a cappuccino.

I'll buy it for you, my darling.

Denny, wait.

Go.

This would be the best
time for her to get the watch.

Her ego is crushed.

If only our man could get
the words out of his mouth.

Come on, Den, quit
drinking. Give her the watch.

[Theo] He's got it out.

[Mitchell] He
giving it to her now.

And I don't see any foam.

[Mitchell] Oh, I think she's
getting all emotional or something.

And it looks like
the real thing.

Woo! Touchdown.

And the extra point.

[together] Mmm!

I got to get me
a watch like that.

♪♪ [jazz]

Come on, Lou, turn
the jazz up a little bit.

If you want women to hear
this, then you got to make it loud.

All right.

[radio volume louder]

Theo, look, some babes
at 9:00 are scoping us out.

I told you this jazz
stuff would draw them in.

All right, now let's look like
we really understand this stuff.

All right, all right.

Hi.

What's going down?

Can you turn your music off?
We can't hear ourselves think.

Jerk.

Jerk?

She wasn't my type anyway.

Hello.

- Theo.
- Lou.

Right. Have you seen the lovely
ornament that my dear Dennis gave to me?

- Whoa.
- Beautiful.

Yes. I'm never taking it off.

It's the most gorgeous
gift I've ever received.

And expensive.

I took it to a jewelry
store to have it appraised.

Trust me, fellas, you will never love a
woman as much as Dennis loves me.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Are you a Jade Marsh?

Well, yes.

We were contacted by a Mr. Kraus
from Zach's Jewelry Store today.

He said you came in to
have a watch appraised.

- That's correct.
- Is that the watch you're wearing now?

It is.

Are you aware that that watch
was reported stolen two days ago?

Preposterous. This was
a gift from my boyfriend.

Could you take it off so we
could check the serial number?

Never. I cherish it.

I will not take it
off for anyone.

Uh, Jade, don't you think that you
should cooperate with the police here?

I know my rights. This
is an invasion of privacy.

Dennis, darling.

These people have the audacity
to imply that this watch is stolen.

Please tell them how you bought
it for me as a symbol of our love.

Well, it's a symbol of our love.

Fine. I'd like to see the serial
number on that symbol of your love.

Look, if we don't
see the serial number,

we're gonna have to take you in
for possession of stolen property.

You can shackle me and
throw me in a dungeon

before I will allow this
watch to leave my wrist.

Have it your way. Let's go.

If truth shall be my
companion in the flames...

So be it.

That won't be necessary.

Dennis, our love will
carry me through this.

Don't leave town, Mr. Love.

Denny, did you steal that watch?

Aw, come on, guys, you know
me. I wouldn't do something like that.

I found it on Atlantic Avenue like I
said. The thief must have dropped it.

Well, you better get down
there and tell the police the truth.

This is all your fault. You guys talked
me into giving Jade a stolen watch.

- We didn't know that watch was stolen.
- Me, neither.

Well, you better get down there before
they put your girlfriend behind bars.

You're right. I'm going to
tell the truth about that watch.

I just hope it won't
spoil our date tonight.

Hi, Rudy.

Shh. Theo's on
the phone with Lou.

Rudy, you know
better than to listen in.

I know, but this is good.

What are they talking about?

See, Denny found
this stolen watch,

and Theo and his friends talked
him into giving it to Jade as a present.

The police came
and took Jade away.

Denny's down at the
police station right now.

He may even have to go to jail.

Whoa.

But why didn't Denny just tell Jade
that he found the watch in the first place?

You know guys. They're dumb.

If I were Denny, I would come
over here and beat Theo up.

Yeah, he should
beat him up good.

You really think so?

H-Hello, Kenny, I
have to go now. Bye.

You were talking to Kenny, huh?

Yeah.

You weren't listening to
my telephone conversation?

No.

Uh, w-we got to go.

You better leave us alone!

We could have
you put in jail, too!

[doorbell rings]

Hey, man, you okay?

I guess not.

Want to talk about it?

The police told me that the watch was
stolen from a woman's house Tuesday night.

I was free and clear because I
was watching Jade at a rehearsal.

Well, it sounds like
everything worked out.

Theo, it was awful.

Jade and I had to stand in
front of a sergeant's desk,

surrounded by drunkards and prostitutes
and one guy who I think was a murderer.

There, in front of all of them,

I had to tell Jade that I
found the watch on the street.

How'd she take it?

Oh, she called me a
despicable, conniving cretin.

Then she pointed at me,
turned to the sergeant,

and said, "Have him arrested
for impersonating a man."

It was the most humiliating
moment in my entire life.

Well, I feel for you, Den.

Theo, you don't know how I feel.

After the watch, I was
going to give her a ring.

I'm sorry, man. Maybe next time.

Theo, you have to help
me. I have to get her back.

You know what to do. You're
always messing up with women.

Yeah, but I never get them back.

Is your Dad here?
He's good with advice.

Yeah, but with my dad,
you got to be careful.

See, if he's having a good day,
he can give you excellent advice,

clear and to the point.

But on his bad days,
he can really ramble.

He'll lean back in his chair,
let out a breath, roll his eyes,

and then you just have to sit
there until he runs out of words.

I'll take my chances.
I just want Jade back.

Okay.

Dad?

[Cliff] Hey!

Okay, now, I'll ask
him a test question,

and we'll see if he's having
a good day or a bad day.

- Hey, Dad.
- Yo.

Need to ask you a question.

Huh? Go ahead.

One of my professors gave me a C on
the paper, and I'm really upset with him.

Yesterday he invited a whole bunch
of people over to his house for a party.

Uh, I don't really want to
go because I'm still upset.

Should I go?

Go.

No sense burning your
bridges unless you have a boat.

Okay. Thanks, Dad.

All right.

Dr. Huxtable, do you
mind if I ask you a question?

Yeah, well, go ahead, Den.

Okay. Uh, you see,

I found this expensive watch on
Atlantic Avenue, and I gave it to Jade,

but it turned out to be stolen.

We both ended up at the police station,
but after I confessed, she dumped me.

How do I get her back?

Oh, yeah, well, see, sit down.

I think it was 19...

- '51, '52.
- [no audible dialogue]

Easter Sunday.

And I had some... I
had a piece of lint...

On the side of my head.

And, uh... I was
going with this girl,

and she already had a boyfriend.

She, uh, she... she
told me, but she said,

"Do you want to go with
me while I'm going with him?"

So I said, "Well"... I said, "Well, as
long as you say you still love me."

She said "Yeah," so...

I can't remember
what her name was.

I told her to meet me at church.

So I'm sitting there,
and she's sitting there,

right where the lint is,

through the whole sermon.

Dad? Yes.

What in the world does
that have to do with Denny?

Denny doesn't have a
piece of lint in his hair.

I'm talking about lint
in my hair and Easter.

During that time,
there's another Lent.

Exactly, Dr. Huxtable.

No, wait a minute,
Dad... Exactly.

Thanks, Dad.

Thank you.

[Male singer on
record] ♪ Suddenly ♪

♪ I'm all alone ♪

How you feeling now, Denny, huh?

The same.

Well, hey, I'm glad the four of us
are spending the night together.

Yeah, who needs a date
on a Saturday night, huh?

I'd much rather be
with my male friends.

I only have male friends now.

Yeah, but, Den, that's good.

See, sometimes when I'm out
with Justine on Saturday nights,

I think of you guys hanging out together,
and I feel like I'm missing something.

What?

You know, talking, laughing, doing
the guys stuff. Just being a guy.

[All] Yeah.

It's great.

Ohh. Ha ha ha!

I know exactly
what this is. Ha ha!

[record stops]

Four guys sitting
there all alone.

Got no dates. 0
for 4. Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, well, it happens
every now and then, fellas.

No, Dad. It's not
what you're thinking.

We decided it would be great

just for the four of us to sit here
and hang out around the house.

[slow, thick voice] Really?

That's nice.

Why don't you joins
us, Dr. Huxtable?

Well, I think I will,
fellas, because my

wife went out with my
sister-in-law tonight.

I guess we're 0 for 5, then.

Not really.

Mine will be back.

Hey, you ever wonder what your life
would be like if you never got married?

You know, it's funny you
should ask that question.

I'm talking about
19... 50... 1952.

I was working for a pharmacist.

I was driving his car
to make a delivery.

It was a DeSoto, I think.

No, no, no, no, no. It was
a Packard. Big Packard.

No disrespect,
Theo. I can't take this.

And I'm driving, and this very
painting is similar to where I had to go

because over here
was Harrisburg.

And this was Philly, and the bridge...
There was a sign here said Detour.

Please, Theo, I mean, I'd rather
have some woman tell me to get lost

than listen to this, man.

And the bridge
was similar to this.

And it looked like it was going
to go out, and I had the Packard...

That Packard could
hold the road, man.

You sat down on that thing,
boom, and drop into second...

In those days you
had to synchromesh.

You had to press down
on that clutch and zap.

And I'm driving with this
medicine, trying to get over there.

And... I turn... Now, check it.

[phonograph goes on]

♪ Suddenly ♪

♪ I'm all alone ♪

♪ Out of a clear
blue sunny sky ♪

♪ The happy world I found ♪

♪ Came tumbling down ♪

♪ When you said good-bye ♪

[bell rings]

♪ Suddenly ♪

♪ I'm all alone ♪

♪ And I find I don't
know what to do ♪

♪ I pace the floor and cry ♪

♪ And I wonder why ♪

♪ My love fell through ♪

[bell rings]

♪ I think I can't ♪

♪ Without romance ♪

♪ So I got up from my throne ♪

[bell rings]

♪ I'm not how I used to be ♪

♪ And suddenly ♪

♪ I'm all alone ♪

♪♪ [theme]

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was taped before a studio audience.

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