The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 22 - A Room with No View - full transcript

♪♪ [orchestra tunes up]

♪♪ [theme]

[birds chirping]

You hear that, Cliff?

The birds are chirping.
It's the sound of spring.

Yeah, the little fellas flew
all the way from Florida.

Here they are.

Say, fellas! You
see this, don't you?

Okay, we're gonna make
the same deal as last year!

Every day I'll give
you a couple of these.

You stay away
from my car, right?



There you go! Ha ha ha.

[Vanessa] You're
a thief and a liar!

[Rudy] I am not!

You're just a sissy and stupid!

Hey!

[Vanessa] Yes, Dad?

[Rudy] Yes, Dad?

Hold it down!

You know, Cliff, I've
about had it with those two.

Every single day,
they are fighting.

When I think about
their childhood,

I'm not going to think in terms of
years, I'm going to think about rounds.

[loud rumbling]

[rumbling stops]



Hey! I'm sorry dear.

[birds chirping]

There, see? Nature
was not always correct.

It should have been
the children to fly south.

As I recall, this is
my day to run errands,

and you get to stay
home with the dueling duo.

- Come on, come on.
- I'll see you in about an hour.

No. Wait, wait, no, no.

Don't leave me! Please. Don't.

Don't leave me here
with them. By myself.

Listen, tomorrow,

is it possible that you and I

could go on a
picnic by ourselves?

Hmm?

Spring has always
done this to you.

Yeah.

Yo, beat it.

[birds chirping]

[loud rumbling]

[Rudy] I wish you
weren't my sister!

[Vanessa] That makes two of us!
Why don't you crawl under a rock?

[Rudy] Why don't you
go crawl in a sewer?

[birds chirping]

[loud rumbling]

Hey!

[Vanessa and Rudy] Yes, Dad?

Come down here!
I want to see you.

[both arguing softly]

Sit down.

- What happened to the...
- Sit down!

Daddy, Vanessa... Sit
down! Please sit down.

Are you all not happy
here at Hotel Huxtable?

Because I hear you
constantly sounding

like you're making
adjustments on the doors.

It seems that you want to bring
them in with you whenever you close it.

If there are problems that
exist in the Hotel Huxtable,

your mother and I...
Your gracious hosts...

Really value any
suggestions you have.

Dad, we're sorry.

Yeah, Dad. It
won't happen again,

as long as she doesn't start it.

Me? You started it!

Listen, I'm having
a problem right now

because I have my
ceiling that collapsed.

I want the mess cleaned up.

Oh, man.

You get the dustpan,
and you get the broom,

I'm going to go up and see what
trouble went on in your suite upstairs:

what is broken and what is not.

You know, none of this
would have happened

if you hadn't stolen
my Bobby Brown tape.

Well, you should have lent
it to me when I asked for it.

Can we just do this? Okay?

The sooner I'm away
from you, the better.

Hey!

You don't know how
to hold a dustpan.

I want the broom!

- No.
- Give it to me!

He said it was my job. Stop it!

Ooh, you're in big trouble now.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- She did it.

Now what is the...

She tried to take the
broom away from me!

- She swept dust in my eyes!
- Shut up!

- Make me.
- Hey!

I went up, and I
looked at that room,

and the door is
hanging on the hinge.

And the chair that goes with the desk,
the legs are just completely splintered.

Because Vanessa threw it.

Look, you guys are going to
pay for it out of your allowance.

Now sweep the mess up, please.

May I use the sink?

As soon as I'm done
brushing my teeth.

All right, can you
make it quick?

You're doing this on purpose.

I am not.

Rudy, nobody brushes
their teeth that slowly.

I do.

- Get out of the way.
- Hey!

Yaah!

Ow!

[sobbing]

Daddy!

Dad, I did not do anything.

All I was doing was brushing
my teeth, and she pushed me.

Dad, she's been hogging
the bathroom all morning!

I think my arm is broken.

You go to your room and just
keep waving it. It will get better.

I hope you're grounded for good.

Dad, all I was doing was trying to put
on my make-up, and she shoved me.

Did you hit your sister?

Well, yeah, but...

I thought we told you that
hitting each other is not allowed.

Well, she is constantly
provoking me.

She does that on purpose,

and you're a sucker
for that every time.

You keep falling for that.

An older person
should know better

than to let a little young
person pull a trick like this.

But, Dad, if you know she
does this, why do you yell at me?

Are you telling me
that I'm not too bright?

No, Dad, it was
just an observation.

You appear to be telling me
that you don't think I'm that bright.

No, Dad, you're very bright.

It's just that she gets
away with everything.

You seem to have
forgotten the fact

that when you were little,

you used to do the
same thing to Theo.

But Theo really would
do bad things to me first.

Yes, but you were the
person who started it first.

I expect older
people to know better.

But, Dad, you're
older than all of us.

You should understand
what she's doing to me.

Which gets back to
your original statement

that you don't
think I'm too bright.

Dad, may I be excused?

- What did you come in here for?
- To put my make-up on.

Well, then, why would
you ask to be excused

if you haven't put
your make-up on yet?

You're the one who's
not too bright around here.

What do you want?

Well, I know how much you
wanted your Bobby Brown tape back,

so I decided to return it.

Well, good.

Here.

You little...

Thank you.

Aren't you gonna hit me?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

But I know what you're up
to, and I'm not falling for it.

Falling for what?

You want me to lose control so
I'll hit you and get into more trouble.

But I'm a better
person than that.

I'm just going to ignore you
because I want to lead a peaceful life.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna go have some breakfast.

Don't eat too much, elbow face.

[growls]

World War 5.

- Rudy and Vanessa?
- Yes.

I'm gonna have words with them.

No, no, no, no. It
isn't necessary, dear.

I've talked to them,

and I think we have
it all cleared up.

They are peaceful and
gentle with each other now.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.

Hello.

Rudy, I'm gonna have a glass
of orange juice. You want some?

That would be lovely.
I'll set a place at the table.

Thank you.

[Rudy humming]

Here you go. La la la la.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mom, it's okay. I
don't have a fever.

[laughs]

Well, I must say
it's... it's, um...

very nice to see you all
behaving so politely to each other.

Thank you.

Ahem.

It's very easy for me

because I have better
manners than you.

Rudy, it's not good
manners to tell someone else

that you have better
manners than they do.

It's true. In fact,

if you had better manners,

maybe you'd have a
boyfriend right now.

But you do not
because you're a pig.

Well, you're the
slop that pigs eat.

Well, you are the piggy

that makes all the
other piggies sick.

That does it.

[shrieks]

[both yelling]

Stop, stop. Stop it!

What are you doing?

I just wanted to
straighten her shirt.

No, no, no. Come
on, come on. That's it.

Now, I want both
of you to go upstairs.

I want you to take your
clothes out of the drawers,

and put them in the suitcase.
I want you to pack right now.

You're not serious.

Is this a serious
face? Let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

Y-You're throwing
us out of the house?

No, of course not. I'm not
throwing you out of the house.

You guys are going to
move down into the basement.

Mom?

No! Your mother has
nothing to do with it.

I am father.

Hit it. I'm serious.
No. Hit it. Good-bye.

But... Cliff.

Yes, dear?

Did I hear you say that you are moving
the children down into the basement?

Yes, dear, because I'm tired.

But you're not going
to lock them in there?

I mean, they can come out to
eat and use the bathroom, right?

Of course, it's just that,
down in the basement,

they can stomp around, they
can throw things, they can...

I mean, because everything in the basement
is just about on its way out anyway.

And so are they, dear.

[humming]

Okay, Dad, we get the
point. We won't fight anymore.

Yeah, Dad, we've
learned our lesson.

This is not a lesson. This is
the way it's going to be, my dear.

Now let's keep moving.

But, Dad, we promise,
really. We won't fight anymore.

Yeah, Dad.

Look. See? We're getting along.

- I love you!
- I love you!

That's wonderful.
I love to see that.

I'm happy that you
all love each other.

But this is where
you're going to be.

Just enjoy yourselves,
and like your mother said,

if you get hungry, you go
upstairs anytime you want to.

If you want to wash up or anything,
go upstairs anytime you want to.

And think about
the bright side of it.

You have a washer and a dryer.
Your clothes will always be clean.

Dad, come on. The
joke's over. Right?

This is no joke.

But, isn't this like when
you took Theo to the army?

He never went into the army.

The army would not take Theo.

The basement will take you.

[humming]

What do we do now?

Rudy, this is all a bluff.

Nobody would do
this to their kids.

He's standing outside the door waiting, and
he's gonna come back in here any minute.

Just wait.

[ragtime record playing]

There. It's just
like the old saying.

When you're given
lemons, you make lemonade.

That doesn't even make sense.

Rudy, you have been moping
around here for the last three hours.

You'd probably feel a lot better if you
did something with your side of the room.

I'm not staying here long.

How are you getting out?

I've got plans. Big plans.

Sooner or later, I'm
busting out of this joint.

Okay. But in the meantime, I think you owe
it to me to tidy up your side of the room

so I don't have to look
at that unsightly mess.

I owe it to you?

- Yes.
- Do you want to know what I owe you?

This is what I owe you.

That's what I owe you.

All right, fine.

I think it's time
for you to unpack.

I can always get more lipstick.

[Vanessa gasps]

Fine.

- What are you doing?
- Making a wish!

- You leave it alone! Stop it!
- You took my property!

[both yelling]

Ah, this reminds me
of a movie I once saw.

Women Behind Bars.

What do you want?

I just came down here to
see my basement beauties.

How's it going down here?

Fine.

That's good to hear. Because
I was talking to Mom and Dad,

and it seems like you two
will be down here for a long...

long time.

Yeah? Well, don't
bet the farm on that.

Right. I hope both
of you can appreciate

the poetic justice
of the situation.

I mean, after all of the trouble both of
you have gotten me into through the years,

I'd call this sweet revenge.

Well, we like it just fine
down here, don't we, Rudy?

Yup.

Well, I hope you can
still say that tonight

when the rats come out.

Rats?

Oh, wait a minute.
Don't listen to him, Rudy.

Dad just had an exterminator
here a month ago.

There are no rats.

Well, exterminators can
only get rid of living things.

See, there's something
you guys don't know.

Dad bought this house cheap...

because it's built
over a graveyard.

And at night, the angry ghosts
come up through the pipes

just looking for some little
girl to take back with them.

Bye, girls.

I'm sure I won't be
your last visitor tonight.

I don't believe a word he said.

Me, neither. That
was just stupid stories.

[Theo growls]

Aah! Vanessa!

[Theo laughs]

♪♪ [light jazz]

[no audible dialogue]

[Man on record]
Bienvenue chez moi.

Bienvenue chez moi.

[together] Bienvenue chez moi.

[Man] Voulez-vous
prendre quelque chose?

Voulez-vous prendre
quelque chose?

[together] Voulez-vous
prend... the cabbages.

Nous allons comment
ce part des escargots.

Nous allons comment
ce part des escargots.

[both mumbling]

- Escargot.
- Escargot.

How's it going?

Trés bon, mama e papa.

Escargot.

You fixed it up very
nicely down here.

Yeah, we haven't heard
any fighting noises in a while.

We figured either the two of
you are getting along better,

or you've killed each other.

You'll be happy to know that the
tape has come off your bedroom doors,

and you're free to go
back to your rooms now.

- Yes!
- Oh.

- Thank you, Daddy.
- All right.

Thank you, Mommy.
Sweet liberty! Ouw!

It looks nice down here.

[thunder]

[thunder]

♪♪ [theme]

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