The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 19 - It Comes and It Goes - full transcript

♪♪

♪♪

It's okay, Winnie and
Nelson, Mommy's here.

Oh, Winnie, please stop it.
You're making Nelson upset.

Oh, come on, please, you guys, you
haven't given me a moment's rest all day.

I need a cup of tea.

Now all I ask is just
for one cup of tea.

You guys can cry for the rest of the
night if you just give me five minutes.

You did it!

You love me! Thank you!

Hi, honey. I had the
most fantastic day today.



In anatomy class, we were
studying the skeletal system,

and the professor asked if
anyone could locate the incus bone.

And guess who found it? Moi!

How was your day, huh?

- Oh, it was just awful.
- Oh, that's great.

Oh, I got to say hello to my
sweet little sleeping beauties.

Elvin, please don't go
near the babies. It took

me over four hours to
get them to settle down.

You'll just wake them up.

I won't wake them up.

But I'm their Dada! I wanna
touch their nosies and their toesies.

Stay away! I do
not want them to cry!

You've had a hard
day, haven't you?

Hard?



Elvin, I haven't had a moment
to myself since 4:00 this morning.

Why don't you
take a walk, muffin?

Take a walk? As if that's
gonna solve anything!

Is that what they're teaching
you in medical school?

To tell your patients
to take a walk?

And don't call me muffin.

I'm sorry... puffin.

And don't call me puffin. I
hate that even more than muffin.

I'm sorry... Sondra.
May I call you Sondra?

Elvin, you don't know
what I go through.

You're off at medical
school every day talking

with people, discussing
science and life.

And then you just come in
here, you pick up the babies

and then you say,
"Hi, it's me, Dada."

and then you spin them around a few
times, you put them back in their bassinets

and then you go off and study.

You're tired.

You're exhausted.
Why don't you go to bed?

I'll cook dinner and take care of
the babies for the rest of the night.

Have you forgotten that we're going
to Mom and Dad's for dinner tonight?

We'll cancel.

But this is my only chance for a nice
dinner and some adult conversation.

We're going.

Of course we're
going. Of course.

And I'll pack up the babies, and
we'll be on our way right now, okay?

Okay.

Hi. I love you! I love you! I
missed you! I missed you!

They're just kidding, honey.
They'll stop in a minute.

No, please.

Now, my friend Homer
said that he saw someone

who looked just like
him in the Paramus Mall.

- Really?
- Yeah!

You're as skeptical
as the rest of them.

Well, I'm telling
you Elvis is still alive!

Come on, Dad. You
really believe that?

There's lots of proof.

A tourist from Holland was in
an off-limits area of Graceland.

Now, he took a picture
of the pool house,

and in the shadows was a
man who looked just like Elvis.

So Elvis was
taking a little swim.

Absolutely. He loved the water.

Didn't you see Blue Hawaii?

Hey, Dad, I'm
leaving. Hey, Grandpa.

Oh, all right. Well,
have a good time.

Uh, that's what I want
to talk to you about.

I got a big date with Justine.

This is her birthday.

Well, good. You
give her my best.

That's kinda what
I had in mind, Dad.

No. No, see, your best
is parked in the garage,

and I was wondering if I
could borrow the keys to it.

- You wanna borrow my car?
- Please?

Come on, Heathcliff,
it's the girl's birthday.

The boy's trying to
make a good impression.

I used to lend you
my car, didn't I?

That's a good idea. Take
your grandfather's car.

Okay?

It was your car he asked for.

Keys are in the coat pocket.

Ha ha! Thanks, Dad!

And do me a favor, please!

The way you borrow the car,
that's the way I want it returned.

And please turn the radio
off when you get back here.

I don't want to be frightened into
some kind of fit when I turn it on.

You got it, Dad. Thanks.

Elvis wore a hat like
that in Viva Las Vegas.

Well, to me, he looks like
Zorro without the waterfall.

Aw, no! My in-laws!

Who asked you all
to come over here?

Hello, Russell! How you doing?

Hello, Lester!

Oh, will you look at that!

Claire told me about
the new couch. It's lovely!

Oh, feel the fabric!

Cliffy, you dropped
a bundle on this one.

Hello, everybody.

- Hello!
- Oh! My grandchildren!

My great-grandchildren!

I think it's only fair
that the oldest person

in the room should
have the first kiss.

Oh! Russell, be prepared
to give that baby up now!

He still smells new.

Oh, we're fine, thank you.

Oh! I'm sorry, dear.
It's good to see you.

So, tell me, how's
med school, huh?

Oh, Dad, it's sensational.

We're studying the diseases
of the vascular system.

Today we saw a film
taken inside an actual heart.

Ooh! That thing's beautiful
when it's pumping, isn't it?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes, it is.

Oh, yeah! And, um,
we're studying the, um...

the tricuspids and
the Purkinje fibers.

Yes, please!

Yeah, but the best
thing is that... My fav...

Uh, but enough about me, huh?

Have you guys noticed the
sensational pin that Sondra's wearing?

Did you say something, Elvin?

Yeah, I said have you taken a
look at the pin that Sondra's wearing.

Yeah, that's a nice pin.
Where'd you get it, Sondra?

I forget.

Oh, honey, you remember we
got it at that little shop in Soho.

Sondra picked it
out all by herself.

Tell them how the salesgirl said
you had a real eye for jewelry.

And the salesgirl said I
had a real eye for jewelry.

So, Elvin, they're working you
hard? You're looking tired, man.

Oh, Dad, it's
exhausting, but, uh...

Uh, not as exhausting as I'd be
if I was taking care of two babies.

Has it been difficult, Sondra?

What do you care?

Clair, you cook a
mean, mean jambalaya.

Claire didn't cook that
jambalaya. I cooked the jambalaya.

In that case, it was too salty.

All right. Into the living room, and we're
gonna get the coffee and dessert ready...

if you men will wash the dishes.

It's a deal.

When I first met Lester, he
didn't know how to do dishes.

He told me, "On the island where
I come from, men do do that."

And I told him, "Well, you're on
the island of Manhattan now, buster,

so get into that kitchen!"

Come on, Lester. We're going to go
where the women do whatever the men say.

I'm gonna make some coffee.
Francine, the trays are there.

I'll get the cream.

This has been a
wonderful evening.

I agree.

But I did notice one
person who was not having

a good time tonight:
my daughter-in-law.

Well, I think I know
what's going on there.

She's having to spend
a lot of time alone with

the babies now that
Elvin's in medical school.

That poor child. I know what it was
having one, but twins? I can't imagine.

- Hi.
- Hi, Sondra.

Hi, sweetheart. Come on
over to the table and sit with us.

Oh, no, that's okay.
I'll just do these dishes.

No, no, no. The men are
gonna do the dishes, Sondra.

Oh, they don't have
to. I'm good at it.

It's what I was
put on Earth to do.

You silly goose. Come
over here and sit down

What's so funny?

- Welcome to the club.
- What club?

Oh, it's called the"
I didn't know it was

gonna be like this after
the baby came" club.

So what did you think
raising a child would be like?

I don't know. I used to
see babies in the park,

and they were so
cute and cuddly.

I couldn't wait to have one.

I'd see Elvin and me playing with
them and then putting them to bed

and then sitting in front of the
fire and discussing their futures.

You dug a nice
little hole for yourself.

I know!

It's nothing like that!

I'm up all day! I'm up all
night! I'm up all the time!

No!

And then Elvin comes home, he
plays with them for five minutes

and then he sticks
his nose in a book.

Uh-huh.

I'm getting stuck with the dirty work,
and he's off getting a medical degree.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you one
thing, Daddy Doctor Elvin.

Oh?

You better do darn well in medical school
because after what you have put me through,

I am going to dump
those kids on you,

and then you can take care of
them and try and see what it's like

to run a practice and raise
two kids while I go to law school.

All right, child!
God bless the truth!

Tell it! Tell it!

I don't know what
we did, but we did it.

What's the matter?

The women are worked
up about something in there.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- Elvin!
- Yeah?

- Come down here, Son!
- Coming!

What's up?

The women are worked
up about something.

Now what did you do?

Why does it have to be me?

We've been married longer.

The women don't
expect as much from us.

Sondra and I did have a little
argument today over the babies.

Maybe she's still
upset about that.

I'll go talk to her.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Sit down, man. You
losing your mind?

What is it, Dad?

Going in there...

could be very dangerous.

He's right.

You've got four mothers in
that room at the same time.

It's like a pressure cooker.

And you know what happens when
you take the lid off a pressure cooker.

Pss... Pow! Pow!

If you go in there now...

I'm gonna have to
peel you off the ceiling.

I mean, I have a
Princeton degree.

Do you know how hard it is
to get a Princeton degree?

3.7 grade point average.

I tried to tell her.

I used to discuss psychology.

I mean, the most interesting
thing I say these days is

"goo-goo ga-ga gi-gi poo-poo."

I mean, this is what I am
looking at for the rest of my life.

- And another thing...
- Okay, okay, enough.

Well, Grandma, you
told me to let it out.

Yes, but while you
were letting it out,

I got to thinking about all the
things I still have inside of me.

Anna, maybe you
should let it out.

Don't hold back.

Four days after
we had Heathcliff,

Russell was on the
road with a jazz caravan.

I would kiss him
good-bye at the door,

and he'd come home
from work 9 1/2 weeks later.

He was a jazz musician,
Anna. He had to earn a living.

Every now and then your
grandfather would send me

a letter with clippings
of his reviews.

"Slide Huxtable plays

the sweetest trombone
this side of Heaven."

"Slide Huxtable
wows them in Peoria."

They should have
been my reviews.

"Anna Huxtable wows them,
washes 50 diapers in one day."

It's just not working out
the way it was supposed to.

I mean, Sondra and I
talked about this. We agreed.

She was going to raise the
children while I was in med school.

Then after I got my practice
going, she would go to law school.

I'm holding up my part of the
bargain. What is the problem?

Elvin, have you ever spent an
entire day at home with a baby?

No. She won't let me near them.

Every time I do anything with
them, she tells me I'm doing it wrong.

Well, welcome to the club.

The club where
husbands do nothing right.

We've been through all that.

- Every one of us.
- Yep. Welcome aboard.

Here's what happens. We
come home... and they complain...

that they've had to do all
this, and we've done nothing.

So then we say, "All right.
Stand back. Let me do it."

And they say, "No, you can't
do that. You're doing this wrong."

We never do anything right.

- Exactly.
- Yes!

You pick up the baby, they'll
tell you you're doing it wrong.

That's right.

If you feed the baby, they
say you're giving it too much.

- Mm-hmm.
- On the button

If you give the baby less
food, they say you're starving it.

Absolutely! Absolutely!

So what am I supposed to do?

Nothing. You do whatever
the mother wants you to do.

But what am I supposed to do when
she says all those nasty things about me?

Take it. Take it.

- Take it?
- Take it.

But what am I supposed
to do when she tells me

I did things wrong with the
baby that I didn't even do?

Take it.

Take it.

- Elvin!
- Yes, Rudy?

Where's my niece and nephew?
We want to play with them.

They're upstairs in Mom
and Dad's room, honey.

Listen, if they're asleep,
don't wake 'em up!

We won't!

And remember, they're
babies, don't bounce 'em!

Okay!

Aren't they beautiful?

Look at her tiny little hands.

Yeah, Sondra did Elvin good.

What?

My brother says that a baby is the
greatest gift a woman can give a man.

Give a man?

A woman does not give a
man a baby. They share it.

No, they don't.
She gives it to him.

Then he lends it
back to her to raise it.

Well, when I have my baby,
I'm going out and get a good job,

and my husband's
staying home with the baby.

Looks like you won't
be having babies.

Yes, I will, and I'll
have a good job, too.

That's the problem
with the world today.

Too many women working.

They mess things up.

No, we don't.

Well, my brother works for a
woman, and she's always on him.

If he's a half hour late or if he falls
asleep at his desk, she's all over him.

I'm never gonna
work for a woman.

Well, then you're never gonna
work, because we're everywhere!

I'll get a job building houses.

Women do that.

Then I'll dig ditches.

Women do that.

Then I'll join the Army.

We're in the Army, too.

We can do everything
you can do, only better.

So you see,
Elvin, it's up to you.

You can make things a lot
more peaceful around the house

if you'll just help
out a little bit more.

Let me tell you
one simple thing.

When Sondra was three
and Denise was one,

I saw in Clair's face,
I mean, just despair.

And no matter what
I said or what I did...

So I said, "I have
to do something."

It was a weekend. Memorial Day.

And I said, "Dear, you stay
here. Do whatever you want to do.

I'm taking these children away
from you for an entire weekend."

I took the children,
put them in the car.

We drove all the
way up to Maine.

Took 'em fishing!

Every place I went, I
put them by my side.

Now, their mother would have
had a fit the way I had them there,

but they never rolled
off into the water.

Now and then a leaf would
fall on their face, you know?

Something like that.

But it was nothing
that hurt anything.

I'm fishing. I'd catch a
fish, and I would cook it.

Then I would take
all of the bones off,

and then I would mash
the fish, just mash it.

And then mash the potato
and mash the turnips,

mix 'em all up just
like baby food, man.

And they loved it!

Don't get me wrong. I
love my babies very much.

It's just that it's so hard.

If you think it's hard now, wait
until these children get older.

Yes, then you'll
belong to a new club.

It's called "My babies are teenagers,
and I wish my life was over" club.

Please don't remind
me. I'm still in that club.

Of course, Anna and
I are in the best club.

It's called "They're out of the house,
and I'm only stuck with my husband" club.

Oh! But husbands
can surprise you now.

I remember once I
had my fill of babies.

You were three, Denise was
one. You were all over the place.

And I was climbing the walls.

Well, Cliff must have
sensed that I was burned out

so he took you girls
off for a long weekend.

Really? I don't remember.

That's because you were too
young, but I will never forget it.

It was the Memorial
Day weekend of 1967.

Late in the day, Cliff packed you
two girls up in the station wagon,

and off you went on
a fishing trip to Maine.

- Wait a minute. He told you that?
- Uh-huh.

Because it was around 8:00 Friday
evening, Cliff showed up at my house

with your daughters who
were crying their heads off.

He stopped by your house.

Stopped? He begged me
to take the girls off his hands.

He did?

He said, "Mom, I can't
stop them from crying.

Would you please just
take them for a weekend?"

The girls spent the
weekend with you?

The whole weekend.

I would have called
you, but Cliff told me

that you were at a
class reunion at Hillman.

Cliff, darling, could you come
into the kitchen, please? Now.

Uh-oh. There's
the call to glory.

What is it, my
little turtledove?

Come into this
den of evil women.

- Yes!
- Ha ha ha!

- Have a seat, sweetheart.
- Thank you.

What is going on?

We were sitting around here
talking and I'm telling everybody

what a good husband
and father you were,

and I was telling Sondra about that time
you took her and Denise on a fishing trip.

Yeah. I was just telling
your husband about that.

- The fishing trip Memorial Day?
- With the babies.

Well, what Memorial Day
are you all talking about?

The year was 1967, Cliff,

and there's only one
Memorial Day a year.

Yes, I know there's
only one Memorial Day.

Everybody knows that.

I mean, tell me
something that I don't know.

Well, why don't you
tell Sondra about that.

Now, you must remember,
because you told me

you had the girls laying
out in the sun on the pier.

You caught the fish
and smashed them up

so that the girls would
have something to eat.

Yeah, well, I don't like
to brag, dear. I mean...

Cliff, why don't you tell Sondra how you
stopped by my house and dropped her off.

Mother, there are a lot of times
when the children and I went places.

We were free
spirits at the time.

There's only one fishing trip.

And you dropped those
babies over at my house

and shamelessly went
on your way fishing.

And lied to your mother
about your wife's whereabouts.

Class reunion, indeed!

Yeah, but it was because she was
crying all the time, and she was...

I put her in the back of the
car and she started crying.

She was hitting these
high-pitched notes,

and I didn't know if she
was going to go higher...

And then... And then Denise
started to not smell so good.

And I just didn't
know what to do.

So I went by my mother's house
and she said, " What are you doing?"

And then she says, "Oh,
there's the beautiful children."

That's what you said.
"There's the beautiful children."

And then you said to me,
"Leave these babies here,

and why don't
you just go fishing."

Now, I wasn't serious.

As soon as I got
it out of my mouth,

you kissed me and darted out the
door on your way fishing up to Maine.

Oh, after hearing this story,
I think a lot more of Elvin.

At least he tells me the truth.

Dad, you should be ashamed.

Well, can I take the
dessert to the men?

No!

- And get out! Get out!
- Get out faster.

Cliffy, what happened
inside there?

Oh, the women are in there discussing
the man's role in raising children,

and they wanted my expertise.

So, Cliff, you really
straightened the women out.

- Hey, I was brutal.
- Ah!

I told them where to pick it
up and where to lay it down.

It was a good thing we
had you in there, Cliff.

Yeah, but you know,
what you're telling us

doesn't sound anything
like what we heard

when we were standing
by the door there listening.

You were standing
by the door listening?

We heard every word.

Elvin, may I see
you in here, please?

Uh, yes, uh... Sondra.

Don't forget. Take it.

Take it. Take it.

- Take it.
- Take it.

He's taking it.

♪♪

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