The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Dead End Kids Meet Dr. Lotus - full transcript

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Thank you.

Good espresso.

Oh, come on man,
get out of here.

You call yourselves college men?

Hey, guys, what's going on?

- Denny!
- What's up, Den?

Sit down. Lou was just regaling
us with a tale from art class.

Okay, Lou, start
at the beginning.

All right, well, our teacher said we'd
be doing some nature portraits, right?



I figured we'd be doing some
flowers or a basket of fruit.

In walks this model
wearing a bathrobe.

Guy or girl?

Hey man, I wouldn't be
telling this story if it was a guy.

All right, Lou, get to the
bathrobe. Did it come off?

Hey, man, I wouldn't be telling
this story if it didn't come off.

Oh, to think I spent my morning
studying the molecular structure of carbon.

Yeah, well, anyway,
she unties the bathrobe...

Wait a minute, guys. Justine
just walked in here with some guy.

Oh, she's been in here
with him a couple of times.

- She has?
- Yeah. I think his name is Scott.

I saw the two of them coming
out of a movie together last week.

- You did?
- Yeah, I saw them in the library studying.

- What?
- From the same book they were studying.



That guy has been
hanging around my woman,

and no one tells me about it?

Hey, man, we figured
you didn't want to hear that.

We thought the news would
be painful to your male psyche.

You guys are supposed
to be my friends.

You're supposed to let
me know what's going on.

Now, if I saw somebody running
around with one of your girlfriends,

I'd run and tell you guys.

I don't have a girlfriend.

And I already know my girl's going
out with four other guys anyway.

Theo, don't jump
to any conclusions.

Maybe Justine isn't
serious about him.

I don't know, he looks like he's
scoring some pretty big points to me.

Yeah, it looks that
way to me, too.

Better go over there and put that
fire out before the flames get higher.

I think I will.

And then, right, the professor
put the book on the table and said,

"If any of you
can write like this,

then I want to sign
up for your class."

Scott, you tell
such good stories.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

I don't think you're
supposed to be sitting there.

I'm sorry, I thought
this table wasn't taken.

- Scott, this is Theo.
- Hey, Theo.

So I assume you know who I am.

Yes, she just said
your name was Theo.

That's not who I am.
That's just my name.

Who I am is Justine's boyfriend.

Justine, you didn't tell
me you had a boyfriend.

Oh, you didn't?

Theo, you know we're
free to date other people.

That's the way you
said you wanted it.

Look, my friend,

there are about a million other women on
this campus that you could be hitting on.

And I guess you would know because I've
seen you hitting on quite a few yourself.

You have?

That's not the issue here.

Justine, do you
want me to leave?

No.

Good-bye, pal.

What?

I said good-bye.

All right, fine, let's
go. Outside now.

I'm not fighting you.

- Oh, what's wrong? Are you scared?
- Hey, man, let me tell you something.

Stop it. Nobody
is going outside.

Theo, I can't believe you.

Me? What about him, Justine?

He won't even
fight for your honor.

Maybe I prefer that in a man.

Scott, let's go someplace

where the people aren't behaving
like they're wearing animal skins.

Fine with me.

Theo, call me some day
when you're acting your age.

- So how'd it go?
- The guy left, didn't he?

- Hey, Dr. Huxtable.
- Hey, how you doing?

- Oh, it is so cold out there.
- Yes.

I went outside today with just my
coat and scarf, when I stepped outside,

this freezing gust of wind
from the north came and hit me.

Well, actually it might
have been from the west,

but I really can't tell because
we don't have a weather vane.

We have a bird feeder.

But the birds aren't even
there 'cause they all went south.

Actually, they
all didn't go south

because I still see some of them
around. I don't know what their problem is.

But anyway, do you
think it's going to snow?

Thank you.

Is Vanessa upstairs?

Vanessa will not be here
until late, late tonight, hon.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Well, give her a message for
me. Tell her that I went to the library

to pick up that book
on Edgar Allen Poe,

the one about the Raven and
the, "nevermore, nevermore."

Well anyway, I want to do
"The Pit and the Pendulum",

but you know
it's just too scary.

Scary movies are one thing, 'cause
you can always turn your face away,

but when you're reading a book
you can't turn your face away.

You can turn the pages, but
the words are always still there.

Anyway, you know, I think it
really is going to snow anyway,

because when it snows it's really wet
and damp outside and it's not right now.

I wish I knew how
to cross country ski.

Phew.

Thank you.

Now, do you remember what
you're going to tell Vanessa?

I... you're going to...

Over to the restaurant

to have some ribs
with Edgar Allen Poe

at a place called The
Pit and the Pendulum,

and you'll be there
until the snow comes

because it's wet
and moist outside.

Thank you.

Yeah. Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye, honey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How you doing Dr. Huxtable?
- How are you, sir?

Is Theo home? We
have to speak to him.

Theo is upstairs
doing his homework.

I don't want to interrupt him

unless it's an
emergency of some sort.

- It's of an urgent nature.
- All right, go ahead.

Say, Lou?

You want to rest your hat?

Sorry, this doesn't
leave my head.

Why, you have no
top to your head?

I'm sorry, I lost my head.

Come in.

Theo, my friend, your
problems are behind you.

Who's the one man you
want to get rid of but you can't?

Scott.

Yeah, the guy who's
stealing your girlfriend.

Well, we know
how to get rid of him.

Read this ad in
the West End News.

"Dr. Lotus,

"licensed practitioner
of the spiritual sciences.

"Cures illness, ends feuds,

"makes unwanted people go away.

"Results guaranteed.

27 years at the same location."

You guys, this sounds
like a voodoo doctor.

Theo, you're in a desperate
situation. You have to do something.

I have to concur that the
situation is getting bleak.

We were at the Student Center,

and we spotted Scott and Justine
sharing a waffle ice cream cone.

And they only had one spoon.

I've got to do
something about this guy.

Look, Dr. Lotus.

Do you really think
he can do something?

Hey, my aunt Ruth once knew a man
who owed another man a lot of money,

and he wouldn't pay him back,
so he went to a guy like Dr. Lotus.

And the next day the other
guy grew a donkey's tail,

and his ears tripled in size.

I mean, they were flapping
against his shoulders and everything.

Someone definitely, definitely
put the whammy on him.

So what do you say, Theo?
Are you going to see Dr. Lotus?

Howard, what do you think?

I've read about these
things in anthropology,

and I've seen documentaries
on people who practice the occult.

They seem confident
about their powers.

So you think this stuff works?

Well, being a believer in
empiricism, naturally I'm skeptical.

On the other hand, I don't want to
say anything against these people

for fear I'll wake up one morning
with my arms and legs reversed.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Hey, what's happening?

- I need to ask you guys something.
- Go ahead.

Okay, I was upstairs
with the guys,

and we're working on a project
about unexplained phenomenon.

Mm-hmm.

Now as a doctor, Dad,

have you ever seen
something happen to someone

that you couldn't explain?

- Like what?
- Like a guy growing a donkey tail,

and his ears growing so large
they flop against his shoulders.

No, I've never seen
anything like that,

but if you're talking
about a growth malady,

generally these things
can be medically explained.

But haven't you ever
witnessed something

that you just could
not explain medically?

There was a friend
of my grandmother's

who was at the house.

I was in high school,
playing football.

I had a blow that was
struck to this muscle here.

I could not run,
and I could not play.

The game was the next day.

The woman looked at
me and said, "Go upstairs,

"bring down the camphorated oil,

the sock you're going to
wear, and a copper penny."

I brought it down.

She poured the
camphorated oil over the sock,

did a swipe like that,

put the penny on it,
wrapped the sock around it.

So I went to sleep,
and the pain was gone.

Camphorated oil and a penny.

Theo, I knew this woman
named Mrs. Minerva.

Yes, yes, yes.

Now, Mrs. Minerva's
husband was dead.

So she used to tip around
the graveyard in her slippers

so she wouldn't wake up
the people she didn't know.

Every night Mrs. Minerva
could be found tipping

around the graveyard
in her slippers saying,

"Albert.

"Albert, it's me, Clara."

Now, I don't know why,

but at that very moment,

the wind would start to blow.

Well, did Albert ever come back?

No, 'cause he was dead.

And the other thing was
that if you looked at her,

everybody said you
would get a sty on your eye.

I got a sty on my eye once.

From looking at her?

Well, the doctor said it was
'cause I had dirt in my eye,

but I knew that it
was Mrs. Minerva.

I bet you at one time you
saw her maybe in the market

and didn't know you
were looking at her.

- That's right.
- One thing she hated was,

you could not roller skate
past her house, remember that?

- That's right.
- And Ronald Brown...

- Yes, yes.
- Remember Ronald Brown?

I said to Ronald,
"Don't go past there."

And Ronald went roller skating
past, and Ronald could skate.

And don't you know as soon
as he hit where her house was,

bam, he hit the ground.

And we said, "She's got you."

So, that's the thing...

Now, why did he come down
here and ask us something...

See, that's why these
children don't learn anything.

Now, Mrs. Clark, if
you do what I say,

your husband will come
back to you within six months.

I guarantee my results,

or you'll get your money back.

I've been at this
location for 27 years.

So I'm not going anywhere.

And no one asked me to.

Good-bye.

Come in.

Dr. Lotus?

Yes, I'm Dr. Lotus.

You gentlemen
seek my assistance?

- I do.
- We're just his friends.

Well, make yourselves
comfortable. Don't touch that!

Yes, sir.

No problem, just be careful.

There are many
powerful objects in here.

I see that. What's this?

Oh, money elixir.

Say you need money.

You sprinkle this on the shoes
of the man you want money from,

and he will give it to you.

Wait, wait, wait, does
this actually work?

I have documented
proof if you'd like.

- Don't need it.
- Hey, doc, what's this?

Locator powder.

If you lose something,

you sprinkle this on the spot
where you usually keep it,

and within two
weeks, you will find it.

I sell a lot of
this to old people

who can't find their glasses.

What does this do?

This is the stand I
put the powder on.

So, young man, what
can I do to help you?

- I have a problem.
- Of what nature?

Love? Ego? Money?

Do you have a disease?

No, no. I don't have a disease.

But there's this guy Scott.

He's trying to bird
dog my girlfriend.

You know, move in on her.

See, we want you to
take care of this guy.

What do you want me
to do to the gentleman?

Well, get him, you know, make
his arms turn into lobster claws.

That would be good.

Then maybe you could make
a tree grow out of his neck.

Yeah, and then make
his hair catch on fire.

- So, you'd like something painful?
- That's right.

Perhaps even copious
amounts of blood.

All right.

Sorry, son, I don't hurt people.

Really?

You should have
said that in the ad.

So, how are you
going to help Theo?

Well, I don't have to
harm the gentleman.

It seems to me
what is required here

is something to
make Scott go away.

What do you mean, go away?

I mean send him
to another state.

Perhaps even another country.

Can you really do that?

Most certainly. I have
documented proof.

How do you do it?

I take this chicken foot

and cover it with vinegar.

Then I write Scott's name
backwards on sheet parchment.

I burn the sheet parchment

and sprinkle the ashes
over the chicken foot.

And Scott will go away,
and he will know why.

Perfect.

And the cost of
this service is $800.

- $800?
- That's the cost.

I guarantee my results, or
you'll get your money back.

I've been at this
location for 27 years.

So I'm not going anywhere,
and no one's asked me to.

$800 is a little higher
than I expected.

Well, you can shop
around for a better price,

but I know you'll be back.

Theo, I know how
you can get the money.

Dr. Lotus, what
about the money elixir?

The stuff you sprinkle on the
people's shoes to get the money.

How much does that cost?

$250.

$250 for the money elixir.

$800 to make Scott go away.

This spiritual
stuff is expensive.

You're looking at 27 years'
experience, same location.

I'm not going anywhere,

and no one's asked me to.

Well, I don't have $800.

What do you think you
could do to Scott for $25?

$25?

I could give him a runny nose.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

I need to ask you
a question, Dad.

Talk to me, my son.

Now, I don't usually
come to you for money,

but this one is important.

- How much?
- I need $800.

- What for?
- I just need it.

How long have you known me?

What I'm saying is when have
you known me to just shell out

$800 for something that
I know nothing about?

Just give you $800.

So, you're not going
to give it to me?

Absolutely not.

I understand if you don't
want to give me $800,

but I can get what I
need for just $250.

No.

But, Dad, come on, I
need the money. Please.

No, I mean, I want you to
tell me what this is all about.

What is it for?

I can't tell you what it's for.

What do you mean, you
can't tell me what it's for?

You want $250, right?

Okay, is it for a surprise
birthday party for...

No, it can't be, 'cause you
wouldn't spend that much on me.

I want a guy to go away.

You want to buy an
airplane ticket for somebody?

No, you see, there's this
guy who's after Justine.

Now, Dad, they've
been to the cafe together,

they've been to
the library together,

studied from the same book.

They've been to the movies
together, and I don't want him around.

So, you can buy the guy off?

No, but for $800,

Dr. Lotus can make
sure he goes away.

Dr. Lotus?

Dr. Lotus is a specialist
in spiritual sciences.

Now, for $800, he'll
take a chicken's foot,

pour some vinegar on it,

sprinkle some
burnt stuff all over it,

and Scott will go
away from Justine.

Better yet, he will
even know why.

I know exactly what
you're talking about.

When I was dating your mother,

there was a guy who
kept hitting on your mother.

I went to the guy, and I said,
"Look, man, leave her alone.

I'm dating her. We are serious."

The guy says, "This is a free
world, I can do what I want."

I said, "You can do what you
want, but you won't be able to see."

And so I told my
great-grandfather about it.

My great-grandfather
took me into the kitchen,

just like we're in now.

Now, I'm telling you,
what he did worked.

Now, you want to try it?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Now, pay attention. Here we go.

And these... these things
are very, very simple.

They're all right here,

and it's going to work.

I'm telling you.

And I did exactly what
my grandfather said,

and the guy, bingo!

Success. Take your coat off.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Now you're sure this
is going to work for me?

Am I not married to your mother?

All right.

Just put your
hands out like this.

Now this is exactly,

exactly the way it happened.

There we go.

One, two, three...

There you go, now, just fold
them and put them together,

'cause I got to
read these... Yeah.

Yeah, this is it. This is it.

- Is it working?
- Yeah, yeah.

Okay, now open
it up, open it up.

Open. There you go.

Now turn it... Just
hold them like that.

Now, I'm reading 'em.

Reading the beans. Ah, yeah.

All right, now put your
face right over the bowl.

Face right over the
bowl. There you go.

Now hold still.

There you go.

There you go.

Yes.

Bring it on down that way.

All right, hold
it like that now.

All right. Here we go.

All right, now hold
tight. Hold tight.

- Dad?
- It's coming. Yes, sir?

- Is this working?
- It's working.

The beans, I'm
trying to read them.

The beans say...

you must say the
following thing three times:

I will pay more
attention to my woman.

I will pay more
attention to my woman.

I will pay more
attention to... my woman.

I will pay more attention...

Okay, Dad. I got it.

Dad?

Dad?

Okay, Dad.

Hi, Justine?

Yeah, this is Theo.

Do you mind if I come
over and talk to you?

All right.

I need about a half
an hour to clean up.

Bye.

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