The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 16 - Can I Say Something, Please? - full transcript

♪♪ [orchestra tunes up]

♪♪ [theme]

- How you doin', homey?
- Hi, Dad!

How's everything going?

- Good.
- Good.

Very good... No.
No, no. What is this?

That's for my video party.

No. No, ma'am. No, ma'am.

We're not going to have
kids eatin' all that sugar,

and then it kicks in,

and turns them
into human pinballs,



and they run around
and vandalize my house.

Now take it back and bring
some fruit out here, please.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

What videos did you rent?

Wow!

Take a look! Check it out! Huh?

Yeah, you got some
old favorites there!

Old Yeller again?

Well, it gets better,
dear, the more you see it.

Don't you like the
part where he goes...

[howls like dog]

Treasure Island, with
Long John Silver? Again?

Arr! Arr, me laddies!

Dad, my friends like
movies that are more hip.



Hip movies? Like what, dear?

Like Porky's, Porky's
II, Porky's Revenge.

Those movies are R-rated!

How did you find out about them?

Theo and his
friends went to see it,

and they were talking about it.

And Kim and her older
sister went to see it.

She said it was hilarious.

Well, let me tell you
something right now.

Your mother and I do not
want our 9-year-old daughter

seeing movies with that
kind of language. Okay?

Dad, let me explain something.

No, don't explain. I
don't want you to explain.

9-year-olds today aren't
like when you were 9.

Corny things were in then.

Like stories about
dog [howling].

It's a new age, Dad.

Get with it.

Here we go! Now
are you guys ready

for the videos that I
brought for you to see?

Did you get Friday the 13th

or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

No. No, we're not
going to have that.

We're gonna see movies
with chills and suspense!

Uh-oh.

That's what he says
every time he shows

Old Yeller and Treasure Island.

Old Yeller dies at the end.

Then Doc Huxtable cries.

Dr. Huxtable, since
you like dog stories,

have you seen The
Hound of the Damned?

- No.
- That dog is better than Old Yeller.

His eyes are red,
and he speaks Latin.

And he only likes human blood.

Yeah!

You people are sick.

Now, you're going
to watch Old Yeller.

You're going to watch
Long John Silver.

And you're going to like it.

I don't even want to stay in
the same room with you people.

I'll put Treasure
Island in the VCR.

Rudy, wait. I have
something even better.

The Gross-Out Gang.

What's The Gross-Out Gang?

You'll love 'em. They're gross.

One of them is
called Grimy Jerry.

He picks his nose and
wipes it on people. Uch!

Ew! That sounds
great! Let's watch it!

Wait a minute. I'm not
allowed to watch that tape.

When it was in the theaters, my
parents wouldn't let me go see it.

Come on! Your dad's downstairs,
and your mom is at work.

There's nobody here to catch us.

Almost everyone has
seen this movie, Rudy.

You have to see it.

Well... okay.

I went through the tape,

and set it at the good part.

[belching]

[Grimy] Ah! I shouldn't have
eaten those last nine hot dogs!

[Kid] Hey! Look what's
coming out of Grimy's nose!

Ew! What's that smell?

[Grimy] That's the liverwurst
sandwich in Belching Billy's pocket!

It's been there for two weeks!

[Kid] Ew! That's disgusting!

[Grimy] Just don't
eat the green part...

[Everyone] Ew!

[TV clicks off]

Where did this come from?

[car horn]

Peter's father's
waiting for you outside.

Kenny, don't forget your movie.

- Bye!
- Bye!

Bye, Rudy. Good luck.

You're probably gonna
get it when we leave.

Bye.

Well, um, I guess I'll go
upstairs and do some homework.

Not so fast.

Come over here and sit down
for a minute. I want to talk to you.

Now, Rudy,

you knew that we did
not want you watching

that Gross-Out Gang movie.

But, Mom, everyone
has seen it except me!

That is beside the point.

Hey. How was the party?

Cliff, I came through this door,

and all the children
were sitting on this couch

watching the
Gross-Out Gang movie:

that film with those
weird-looking kids

that belch all the time
and throw snot on people?

I thought I told you I didn't
want you watching that movie.

But, Dad, people's
bodies make noise.

It's a part of life.

Mom. Dad.

I'm going to the
mall to meet Jeremy.

I'll be back at 10.

You finished your homework?

- Yes.
- All right. I'll see you later.

Mm. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye, Rudy.

See? Vanessa gets to
do whatever she wants.

Going out on a school night...

Vanessa is 15, Rudy.

When you get to be
15, you can do that, too.

But I wanna do
that now, when I'm 9!

Rudy, why don't you go upstairs
and do your homework, honey?

And I'll check in on you at
9:30. Be ready for bedtime.

9:30! Why can't I
stay up past 9:30?

And they say it's
a free world. Ha!

That's what they
think. It's a free nothin'...

It's free because we pay for it!

- Want some tea?
- Thank you.

You know, Cliff, Rudy might
not be entirely off the mark.

Maybe we should
reconsider some of our rules.

Every night, we make
Rudy go to bed at 9:30, right?

Why 9:30?

Because the children
before her went to bed at 9:30.

But where did we get 9:30?

'Cause I went to bed at 9:30.

And my mother made
me go to bed at 9:30.

I didn't have to
go to bed at 9:30.

I could stay up till 10:00,
and I turned out okay.

You tryin' to talk
about my mother?

No. But you have to admit,

our rules do not give
us perfect children.

I mean, look at it! Sondra
dropped out of law school,

Denise is in the jungle,
Theo cannot get into the dorm,

and Vanessa lies to us and stays
out neckin' in the woods at night.

That has nothin'
to do with 9:30.

If we set rules, then
they should be followed.

And that's because
we know better.

I think we know better.

Now, let me give you an example.

There was a man named Mr. Ike.

And Mr. Ike had a TV set.

And he liked to watch the
fights on Wednesday nights.

I was about 10 years old.

I'd go over to his house
to watch the fights.

Mr. Ike chewed tobacco.

Put a big shredded
thing, and he had a can.

And he'd go... [spitting]...

And he'd spit it in the
can and watch the fight.

And it just looked good to me.

And I said, "Mr. Ike,
can I have some of that?"

He said, "No.
You can't have it."

I said, "Why?" He said,
"Because you're too little,

and this is not good for
you when you're little."

So I kept bothering Mr. Ike.

And finally I said,
"Mr. Ike, please.

"I know how to do it. I've seen you
do it. "Please, Mr. Ike, let me do it."

So Mr. Ike looked around,

gave me a little bit.

I put it in my mouth,

and I had it just like Mr. Ike.

I'm sittin' there,

and this stuff was burnin'.

"This is the best time
I've ever had, Mr. Ike."

And the next thing I knew,

a half hour into the fight,

something said, What'd you do
with that last mouthful of juice?

I couldn't remember
what I had done with it.

But my stomach
knew where it was.

Ew... Went all over the place.

Old people know
better, I'm telling you.

[growl]

[hums tune]

Hey, hey. hey, hey.

I'm about to find out who
committed the murder.

This is the most
exciting part of the book.

I have something
more exciting than that.

Come on, honey. I
gotta finish this chapter...

No, that's not gonna get it.
That's not gonna get it. I said.

Come on, now!

[knock on door] Turn
out the light... What?

Rudy!

What are you doing up?
You're supposed to be in bed.

Mom. Dad. You know you always
say whenever something's wrong,

we can talk to you about it?

What is it?

I have a list of things
that I know I can do

but you won't let me
do just because I'm 9.

- And I don't think it's fair.
- What is it?

Number 1:

I have to be in bed at 9:30.

That is not fair

because sometimes I
am not sleepy at 9:30.

Number 2:

I have to wear
whatever you tell me to.

I cannot pick out
my own clothes.

Number 3: my lunch.

Sometimes I do not like what you make,
and I get in trouble if I don't eat it.

Number 4:

I am not allowed to see movies
that most of my friends have seen.

They're laughing and
having a good time,

while I'm sitting at
home waiting to get older.

Number 5:

I'm not allowed to wear
make-up. That is not fair.

Wait a minute.

You want to wear make-up?

Well, no.

But if you change
some of the other rules,

I'll forget about the make-up.

- Is that the end of your list?
- Yes.

All right. Let me have it.

Rudy, I am very impressed
with your clarity of expression.

Thank you.

She has come to
us very thoughtfully,

very diplomatically, and I
think we should consider

changing at least
one of those rules.

Did she age when she
came through the door?

We could change Number 1.

Okay. You can stay up
as late as you want to.

All right!

Oh, wait a minute. You
have some obligations here.

You have to do
all your homework.

You have to get yourself
up in the morning,

and you can't be late
for school one time.

- No problem.
- Okay.

We got a deal. Good night.

Good night?

Hey! I don't have to go to bed!

We're going to bed.

Good night.

Well, that's all right with me.

I think I'll watch some TV.

The night's still young. Bye!

Might as well have some fun.

Give me my book back.

Are you gonna set up some rules?

I'll give you a list.

Stop it.

♪♪ [Tonight Show theme]

[Ed McMahon] From Hollywood!

The Tonight Show,
starring Johnny Carson.

This is Ed McMahon,
along with Doc Severinson

and the NBC orchestra,
inviting you to join

Johnny and his
guests... Don Rickles,

from the San Diego
Zoo, Joan Emery,

comedian Bob Nelson,

and the mighty
Carson Art Players.

Ladies and gentlemen,

heeere's Johnny! [applause]

Hi! There's something on
called The Tonight Show.

You've gotta see it.

You know that guy from
Star Search? He's on it.

Is she allowed to
stay up this late?

No. Rudy, what are you doing?

From now on, I'm allowed
to stay up as late as I want.

Oh, fine. But I think
you better get upstairs

before Mom and Dad see you.

It was Mom and Dad's idea.

I told them I didn't like the
rules, and they changed one.

Now I get to stay
up as late as I want.

Hoo! Theo, you're
wrong about your parents.

They sound very
progressive to me.

Why don't you join me?

There's going to be
someone on from the zoo!

No, we can't. We have
a big exam to study for.

I already did my
homework. I'll just stay here.

How long are you
planning to stay up?

I don't know.

You know, Rudy?

They always said that the last
child gets away with the most.

I guess they're right.
I mean, look at you!

Yes!

♪♪ [suspense] [gunshots]

[gunshots]

Rudy?

Rudy! [groans]

All right. Come on. Let's go.
We're goin' to school. Get up.

I don't want to get up.

No, no. You are going to get up.

It's time to get up.
Okay? Here we go.

I have a stomachache. I
feel bad. I don't want to get up.

I saw all that food
you were eatin',

and you should not only
have a stomachache,

but smell like the
Gross-Out children.

Now. Here. Come on.
Come on. Come on.

Daddy, leave me alone.
I want to stay in bed.

All right. I'll take you
to the hospital, all right?

No. I don't want to go to the
hospital. I want to stay in bed.

All right, then.
You have to get up.

- Please, Daddy.
- Listen. No "Please, Daddy"

- Yes, I know.
- Why are you being so mean to me?

I have a stomachache, and
you're pushing me around!

I'm gonna get your clothes.
You're gonna put your clothes on,

and then you'll get
ready to go... Oh, no!

No. No. No, ma'am!

You heard the tune, now
you gotta pay the piper!

There we go. There we go.

Hey! Up and away we go!

Now you're gonna
up these clothes on.

There we go! Come
on. Put 'em on.

I don't wanna wear that!

Okay. If you don't
wanna wear it,

then put it back and
pick out what you want.

Come downstairs.
Make your own lunch.

Bingo! You're off to school.

Did you have a good
time? That's the question.

No fair.

I beg your pardon?

Huh? Come on. Get up.

Bring these clothes with you.

Okay? Come on.

You'll take a nice shower.

And don't yawn in the
shower. You might drown.

[Old Yeller whimpering]

[phone rings]

[turns off TV]

[ring]

Hello?

Uh, yes, Mrs.
Cutler. How are you?

Uh, Rudy's been
listless and cranky.

Well, I'm not
surprised about that,

because Mrs. Huxtable and I

have been having a little
experiment with the rules with her,

and, uh, we let her stay
up for a couple of days.

And from what I
saw this morning,

um, she's not far from the fall.

Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Oh, hi, Dad! And heeere's Rudy!

How you feeling?

Never felt better.

- Not tired, huh?
- Me?

No. I love my new freedom.

Uh-huh. And how was
everything at school today?

Fabulous. I was even
smarter than I usually am.

I think it's from staying up.

I bet your teacher
must have been happy.

Yep. And at recess, I
had the kids cracking up.

I was telling them all the
jokes from The Tonight Show

that they had never heard,
'cause they were all in bed.

Those hockey pucks.

So you're looking
forward to tonight, huh?

You better believe it.

Well, I have good news for you.

I don't have to go to
work until late tomorrow,

so I'm going to join you.

We're gonna watch The
Tonight Show together,

and then, at 2:30,
there's gonna be

an old black-and-white
James Cagney movie on.

We could watch it together!

- Okay. I'm in.
- Good.

But first, I have to
do my homework.

- There you go.
- I'll be right back after these messages.

Hey-oh... [singing
Tonight Show theme]

[Old Yeller whimpering]

Come on. Wake up. Wake up.

Gotta hit the homework today.

Yeah.

Hey! What?

Didn't anyone ever
teach you to knock?

Well, I'm sorry!

I just wanted to tell you
how impressed I am with you!

What do you mean by that?

When I was your age, I always
wanted to stay up past my bedtime,

but I could never
figure out how to do it.

You went to Mom and Dad with your
list, and they changed it. Way to go!

Come on. What are
you really doing in here?

You're making fun
of me, aren't you?

No! I mean it! I'm
really proud of you.

I don't believe it. You came in
here to laugh at me because I'm tired.

Well, it won't work.

What's the matter with you?

Don't play dumb with me.

I know what you're
really doing here.

The whole family's
setting me up to fail.

Kenny told me.

He said you're gonna
try to teach me a lesson.

You don't think I can stay up.

Well, I'm on to you, sistah.

You're the ones that are
gonna look like fools, see?

Yeah, when I pull this off.

You know what your problem is?

You have been
staying up too late

watching too many of
those old gangster movies.

I'll watch what I
want when I want.

And you palookas can't stop me.

I've been in tougher
fixes than this.

You can just take your
phony smile and hit the bricks.

Hit the bricks?

Yeah. Scram, baby.

You're not gonna
take me alive. Yeah!

All right! A lovely
snack... for two.

I haven't heard a peep
out of Rudy's room

for the past three hours.

Do you think she's gonna come down
here and watch television with you?

No. But I did promise her

that I would be down here
to wait for her, and I shall.

Well, I hope that the
child doesn't make it,

because, frankly,
she needs the rest.

- Hmm.
- And, uh...

I could enjoy some
time alone with you...

with nothing but the flickering
light of the television to illuminate us.

Hi! Here I am!

No one's gonna tell
me I can't stay up.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

Mm-hmm! Make room on the couch!

You know, I had something
goin' till you came down here.

Dad, you can always
go to your room.

I'm gonna leave you two to this.

- All right. Good night.
- Good night.

Good night, honey.

Pop on the tube!

We're gonna miss
Johnny's monologue.

- What?
- Come on!

You know, I'm
almost sick of you.

[Ed McMahon] Ed McMahon,
along with Doc Severinson

and the NBC Orchestra, inviting
you to join Johnny and his guests

Robert Klein, Blair Brown,

And 7-year-old California
commissioner Teddy Andrews.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, heeere's...

Johnny!

♪♪ [Tonight Show theme]

[TV turns off]

♪♪ [theme]

[Announcer] The Cosby Show
is taped before a studio audience.

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