The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 15 - No Way, Baby - full transcript

♪♪ [orchestra tunes up]

♪♪ [theme]

[buzzer]

Hello.

There's a Ray Palamino
here to see you.

Would you send him in, please?

Mr. Palamino. Yeah.

How are you? Make
yourself comfortable, please.

Thank you, Doc.

People who take my messages
said you wanted to see me.

- Yes.
- You're a baby doctor, ain't you?



- Yeah.
- Well, no matter what

any woman has
told you, it wasn't me.

That isn't why I asked
you to come down here.

Do you know a Louisa Sanchez?

Louisa Sanchez?

She says that she's
your granddaughter.

Yeah. Yeah, but I haven't seen
her since she was a little thing.

Okay. Yeah. See,
me and my family...

Well, we haven't been in touch
with each other for a long time.

I was a professional
boxer... Yeah.

Ray Palamino?

I never fought under
my own name, Doc.

When I got into boxing, Kid
Chocolate had been used already.

Yeah. That name.



- The name.
- So I became Kid Caramel.

I lost 12 straight
fights under that name.

Then I went down to Cuba.
Fought down there for a while.

I fought under the
name of Kid Jalapeño.

Yes, yes.

But you didn't call me up here
to talk about boxing, did you?

No. I wanted to let you know

that your granddaughter
Louisa is having a baby.

I didn't even know
she was married.

Well, she isn't. See, you can
have a child and not be married.

- Where's the father?
- He's gone.

- Dead?
- No, just flat-out disappeared.

And we don't know where
the rest of the family is,

and you're the only
one who responded, so...

I'm pretty sure that
she will deliver tonight.

Let me get this straight.

The husband has
disappeared. Right.

And you tried to find some
members of the family,

and I'm the only one
you could come up with?

- Right.
- You know something?

You're trying to set me up.

Well, as many times as
you've been knocked out,

I'm sure you can
recognize the setup.

Louisa is alone and frightened.

I can see that.

And I'm just hoping that you
can give her some support.

Me? A ba...

Do I look like I'm in the
baby business to you?

I am 67 years old. Do
you understand me?

67 years old. I live in
a one-room apartment.

Five flights up. You
walk up them five flights.

There ain't no elevator.

I can't carry no baby
up no five flights.

I sometimes have a
problem making it myself.

Mr. Palamino, you're
jumping the gun.

No, no, no. I ain't
jumping nothing.

And don't be
calling me no mister.

I don't understand you, man.

Man brings me into his
office and lays a baby on me!

You can't go around dropping
bombs on people's heads like that.

Got me so nervous, man, I'm liable
to do myself a personal injury here.

Or something.

Hey, you got something to drink?

Yeah, there's some coffee.
You want cream or sugar?

I want scotch.

No sugar. Scotch and water.

No, I don't keep
liquor down here.

Then give me a shot. [laughs]

Or give me a pill. You a
doctor. Calm me down.

I'm sorry.

- Damn, a baby!
- Are you finished?

Yeah, I'm finished. Go ahead.

Now, do me a favor. What?

- This number that we reached you at.
- Yeah?

Yes, now, is this
where you live?

No, that's Clancy's Gym.
They just take my messages.

Write down for me your home
address and phone number,

- so I can reach you.
- No, no, no. You write it down.

You can understand
your own writing.

All right.

It's 3412... Uh-huh.

36th Street... Go ahead.

Astoria.

The telephone
number is 555-7298.

Okay. Thank you very, very much.

Now, all I'm saying is that it'd be
nice if you could come to the hospital

because I'm pretty sure
she's going to deliver tonight.

Well, I'll try, Doc.
Okay. Thank you.

All right. Thank you.

Tonight. Tonight.
Sometime tonight.

You're ready, right?

I'm ready. She's fired up.

She's fired up! All right.

[Cliff] Fired up.

Oh, Nurse Gillmore?
May I go in now?

Yes. Thank you. Oh.

And incidentally,

thank you for being so
kind to my granddaughter.

You're welcome.

I got somebody
to come to see you.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I know what you're thinking.

You're saying to yourself,

"She don't look
nothing like me."

I never said...
No, a-ta-tara-tat.

But she does look
like her grandmother.

And she is beautiful.

And you better know
what you're doing, Doc.

You didn't just get out of
medical school, did you?

Well, I have one
more year to go.

I'll put these over there.

I'm Ray Palamino.

Grandfather. Yes.

And you look just
like your grandmother.

You're beautiful.

You okay?

I ain't seen no member
of my family in 18 years.

And in there lies
my granddaughter.

She's about to make
me a great-grandfather.

Do you know if
it's a boy or a girl?

Tell me what you
want, I'll get it for you.

- Come on, you're joking.
- Things have changed now.

All you have to do is, you
put in the order, we deliver.

What do you want?

- A great-granddaughter.
- You got it.

So he says, "Good
evening, Mrs. Galvin."

And she's just smiling,
and he's looking.

And the next thing
I know, she says,

"Oh, and... and Dr. Huxtable
is such humanity."

You know, Cliff, there was a
man who worked in our office once

who acted a lot like that.

He was very defensive and nasty.

Was his last name Palamino?

Would you stop that? I'm
trying to tell you something now.

If you have him an
order form to read,

like the pamphlet you
tried to give Mr. Palamino,

he'd throw 'em right back at
you and say, "I don't need this."

And he would never
write anything down.

After three months, we
discovered what his problem was.

He couldn't read or write.

Mr. Palamino came to see you
today. He rang the front doorbell, right?

There is a sign outside
that clearly says,

"Doctor's office downstairs."
The man cannot read.

- No, no...
- He cannot read, Cliff.

And I want you to
just stop for a minute

and think about how
terrifying that would be

if you had to raise a child
and you couldn't read.

Suppose the child came
to you with a book one day,

and said, "Read this to me."

You could never leave
a note for the child,

the child could never
leave a note for you...

I feel sorry for the man.

Okay. Well, if he can't read,
then why is he picking on me?

Well, that's easy. Why?

Because you're cute. [laughs]

Well, that's the dumbest...
No, that man can read and write.

- He's just nasty, that's all.
- [Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Mrs. Huxtable, we meet again.

Mr. Palamino. How
nice to see you.

- Do come in.
- Thank you.

Let me take your coat and hat.

Thank you very, very kindly.

May I say that is
a stunning outfit.

Thank you.

You know, when I was in Paris,

many, many years ago,

there was a little
cafe in Montmartre

where all of the musicians,
the artists, the models,

they would gather... All the
really chic people of Paris.

Josephine Baker
walked into that club.

May I say, you, in that
outfit, Mrs. Huxtable,

would have fit in exquisitely.

Thank you.

Did you come here to tell my wife
she looks like Josephine Baker?

On the contrary. You
asked me to do something.

You said to see if I could
think of any names in the family.

I made a list.

Aha. So you wrote
down... the list.

I will give this to
the social worker.

Thank you for writing
this down for me, sir.

May I see that list,
please? Thank you.

Mr. Palamino, I have a
problem with this third name.

I just can't make
out the handwriting.

- Could you help me with that?
- Oh, well, let me...

My word, I seem to have
forgotten my glasses.

[chuckles] Well,
now it looks like

it could be Tom
Mitchell... Tom Mitchell?

It is Tom Mitchell.

Louisa's great-uncle.

Ah. Are you spelling this
Tom with one A or with two A's?

That would be two.

Thank you.

Having done what
I was asked to do,

I take my leave of you both.

It is so nice to share your
company again, Mrs. Huxtable.

And, Doctor, may I say that your
wife is beautiful and charming.

- You are indeed a lucky man.
- Thank you.

And I put the emphasis on lucky.

Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Huxtable. How kind of you.

Thank you. Till we meet
again, perhaps in Paris.

Oh, my. Á tout á l'heure.

Case closed.

[Cliff chuckles]

And I should have been in Paris.

Yeah. That man's been
knocked out so many times,

he wouldn't know if
he was in Pittsburgh.

Stop!

Hey!

I am doing my homework.

But I said "Hey!"

Touch me again,
and you're on the floor.

- But I have to talk to you.
- What?

You know that man, Mr. Palamino,
who came over here today?

Mom said he can't
read or write. Really?

He's 67 years old, and he's
gone through his whole life

not knowing how
to read or write.

So what do you think about that?

About what?

We're doing homework
for no reason.

We can do fine without
knowing how to read or write.

[scoffs] Rudy, you
can't stop reading now.

For the rest of your life,
you'd read like a fourth grader.

So?

Let's say you're an adult,
and you go to a restaurant

where they hand you a menu
with a bunch of big, fancy words

that a fourth grader
wouldn't understand.

How would you order?

I'd point to someone at the next table
and say, "Bring me what he's having."

What if you're the only
person in the restaurant?

Then I'd just say, "Go get
something that's dead and cook it."

Okay, fine. So
you'd be able to eat.

But you would never get a good
job with just a fourth-grade education.

- Yes, I would.
- What job are you gonna get?

I'd teach third grade.

Oh, Dr. Huxtable. The
social worker got back to us.

They're unable to locate any of
the people on Mr. Palamino's list.

Most of them moved
away 15 or 20 years ago.

Well, we did what we could.

Oh, one other thing.
Mr. Palamino is here.

Well, we got good
news and bad news.

He showed up two
hours ago, bless his heart.

Oh, he is so nervous.

He told me that he wanted to be
in the delivery room with Louisa.

Well, I told him that he would
have to, you know, wait in the lounge.

He wasn't allowed
in the delivery room.

He's been through a lot today.

Poor man.

Think somebody would
get in touch with you.

Let you know what's going on.

I been here for two hours, man.

Somebody tell me
something. [coughs]

- Excuse me.
- What?

You're making me very nervous.

What do you mean,
I'm making you nervous?

Well, this constant pacing,
pacing, pacing... Knock it off.

Look, mister. I am 67 years old,

and I'm about to have a baby.

Wow! How old is the mother?

- 20.
- Did you say 20?

- Yeah.
- My girlfriend is 63.

I have to go every
week for Vitamin E shots.

What am I going
to do with a baby?

How am I going to raise a baby?

Well, you should have thought of
that before you started fooling around.

Do you realize that when
that baby is 4 years old,

you'll be 71?

And when it's 15, you'll be 82.

And when it's 32, you'll be 99.

I hope you're taking
good care of yourself.

Look, I'm 67, and I'm
in pretty good shape.

Why don't you get involved with
some women closer to your own age?

I am involved with
women my own age.

You are? With that pregnant
woman lying in there?

Oh, I'm shocked!

I am shocked. Who do you
think you are, Ferdinand the Bull?

I don't want to
discuss this any further.

Look, that's not my baby.

That's my granddaughter's baby.

Your granddaughter? Yes.

You're not the fa... No.

It's not your ba... [sighs]

I feel so silly.

I'm very embarrassed.
Please forgive me.

Ferdinand the Bull.

Tell you the truth, you know, I was
beginning to feel a little jealous of you.

You know? I mean, after
all, I pictured you there

with this 20-year-old girl... It
made me feel very inadequate.

You know what I mean? I
mean, my girlfriend is 63 years old.

And every time we try to get
together, my back goes out.

Is that why you're in the hospital?
You come to see a doctor?

No, no, no. I come here once a
month to read all the magazines.

Well? Great-grandfather.

It's a boy. 7 pounds, 8 ounces.

All right! Congratulations.

Hey, but, Doc, you
promised me a girl.

Sue me.

How is my granddaughter?

She's just fine. In about a half hour,
you can come back and see both of them.

Oh, that's great. All right.

Congratulations.
Thank you again.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I want to talk to
you. No, it's okay.

- It's o...
- I want to talk to you, man.

All right.

I told you once before,
don't get pushy now.

Let me say what I
got to say. All right?

I'm a lot smarter than
you think I am, Doctor.

See, you're an educated
man, but I got street smarts.

See, I know that you and
your wife found out I can't read.

Yeah. But I'm 67 years old.

Who cares? I do not care.

It's no big thing with me. Look.

Hey, everybody.

My name is Ray
Palamino, I'm 67 years old,

and I can't read.

See? It don't matter.

But I will say one
last thing to you, Doc.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome. In
about a half hour, all right?

All right. You can
come see both of them.

Thank you. Round 3.

Great-grandfather.
Yeah. I can dig it.

Hey, Grandpa. You really
don't know how to read?

Not a word. Oh, well, listen.

I used to be an English teacher.

Yeah, I'm living
on a pension now.

That's why I can't afford
to buy my own magazines.

I ain't never hung out with
an English teacher before.

I could teach you
to read and write.

I tell you what. You teach
me how to read English,

and I'll teach you how
to pronounce it correctly.

Well, you got a deal. All right.

Once more into the breach,
dear friends, once more!

Oh, gods and worms,
what a mockery!

Shall we go see
my great-grandson?

Okay! All right, here we go.

Oh. One last thing. Yeah?

Do you spell Tom
with one A or two A's?

Oh, we got a lot of work to do.

How'd it go?

It was wonderful.

First of all,
Mr. Palamino... [laughs]...

Is the funniest person I've
ever met, and one of the nicest.

First of all, he's a
great-grandfather.

Baby boy, 7 pounds, 8 ounces.

And he gave me a present.

Told you he was a charming man.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I haven't opened it. I've
waited until I got home.

And he was telling me how, uh...

- What is it?
- Try it on.

No, there's batteries that
go with this, or something.

- Try this on?
- Try it on.

Good evening. My
name is Mr. Palamino,

and I was just wondering,

do you spell Tom with
for four A's or two Z's?

And you, Dr. Huxtable...

Let me tell you something.

I want to go upstairs with you.

- Oh.
- Would you like to go with me?

Yes.

Round 3.

[giggling] [laughing]

[laughing continues]

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