The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Lost Weekend - full transcript

♪♪

♪♪

I had a hard day.

Tell me about it.

Today I was trying a
case before Judge Gurgins,

who is notorious for giving
female attorneys a hard time, right?

Uh-huh, yeah.

So, every time I
make an objection,

he overrules it.

He did what?

Overrules every
objection I make.



Then, when I get
to my final argument,

the man says, "Could you
please keep it brief, Miss Huxtable?

Oh, I'd like to jerk
a knot in his robe.

That's bad, but it's not as bad
as what happened to me today.

What happened?

Well, I went over
to the hospital.

I was in the elevator.

A pregnant woman
got on the elevator.

The elevator broke down.

All the lights went out.

Then the woman went into labor.

I had to deliver the baby,
and it wasn't even my patient.

Then I went upstairs
and delivered two more.

That's still not
as bad as my day.



I went down to the parking
garage at the courthouse,

and the car is blocked
in by another car,

so I sit there waiting
for the owner to show up.

I wait for an hour.

It's Judge Gurgins.

But wait a minute.
Let me tell you now.

I come out of the hospital,

go to get my car,

and the three babies that
I delivered stole my car.

So I had to run
5 miles, 5 miles.

So I caught up with
them at the light.

So they're sitting there
smoking cigarettes

and drinking wine
and everything.

So, I said, "Give me my car!"

So they said,
"Is this your car?"

- I said, "Yeah."
- They said, "Get in!"

So I got in, and then one
of them pulled out a gun.

I'm so glad we're going
away to the Poconos.

Yes, we are. Do
me a favor right now.

Say yes, because I
want to leave now.

Why do we have
to wait until tonight?

Yes.

Please, that's what
we're going to do.

Hi.

How are you doing, son?

Take a good look at us because
we're going to the Poconos now!

What about dinner tonight?

Don't worry about it.

I have some money here for you.

You take this and
buy your own food.

There's also some money in there
in case you have an emergency,

of which I want a receipt when
you get to the emergency room.

All right?

Thanks, Dad.

All right, burgers and
pizza all weekend.

Go ahead, ruin yourself.

Let's go.

Going out where
nature is surrounding us.

Gonna stay in the cabin
and discover nature.

Whoo!

Yo, Theo.

Hey, what's up?

I thought you ate
dinner at home.

Well, my parents went
away for the weekend.

So you got stuck
babysitting your little sisters.

No, Vanessa went to
Janet's for the weekend,

and Rudy is spending the weekend
at my grandparents' house with Kenny.

You have the house to
yourself for the weekend.

Yep.

Then I only have one
thing to say. Par-tay!

Party at Theo's.
Lovely suggestion.

I don't know, guys.

I didn't say anything to my
parents about having a party.

Theo, you're getting
mired in semantics.

What we're talking about should
not be described as a party,

but more like a colloquy,

a gathering of friends to
exchange ideas and merriment.

With chicks.

Wait a minute.

How big a party we talking?

Just the three of
us and our dates.

All right.

Hey, Denny!

Hey, Lou, how's it going?

Hey, you know me. If it got
any better, it'd be a crime.

You haven't forgotten
about tonight, have you?

Tonight?

Yeah, you and Silvia are
going bowling with me and Rita.

Oh, I forgot.

You see, I was invited to
a party at a friend's house.

Well, can I come?

Theo.

Can Lou and Rita come
to the party tonight?

Yeah, sure, come on.

Great. Rita hates
bowling anyway.

Say, what time do
the festivities begin?

7:00.

7:00, it's a lock. Later, boys.

I hope that was okay.

That's it, Denny,
no more people.

Absolutely.

Theo, why don't you go home
and get your place ready?

I'll call our dates. I'll even
pick up Justine for you.

Al right, great.

Fellas, 7:00 tonight,
it's colloquy time.

Colloquy, colloquy, colloquy.

♪ My folks are out of town ♪

♪ There's a party going down ♪

♪ Cause I'm Theo with a T ♪

♪ But you can call me The ♪

♪ And my friends tend
to call me Mr. Party ♪

♪ My folks are gone,
and guess what ♪

♪ There's a party going on ♪

What's happening, homey?

Hey, Dad!

You were supposed
to be gone an hour ago.

Yeah, we're all packed, we're
just waiting for Kenny to come

and then we're going to take
him and Rudy over to Grandpa's.

Is he coming soon?

Yeah, any minute now,
I'm going up to get the bags.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, Kenny, what's up,
don't take your coat off.

Dad, Kenny's here!

Okay!

So you're going to be here
all by yourself this weekend.

- Yep.
- Bachelor pad.

What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, it's just you
alone in the house.

And you are a man.

Do I have to spell it out?

Hi, Kenny!

Hey, Rudy.

Well, okay, I bet we all
can't wait to get going.

That's right. Let's move it.

Oh, I got to water the plants.

No, no, you don't
water any plants.

Mom, I'll take care of it.

But don't overwater them.

I won't.

So I'll see you guys later.

Okay.

Have a good trip.
Send me a postcard.

Yes, indeed. Ah!

- What's wrong, Dad?
- I forgot my razor.

You're going out in the
wilderness with Mom.

You know she says she
likes it when you have stubble.

You're right.

She calls me Mountain Man.

Have a good weekend, Dad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Drive safely.
- Yes, sir.

Quick, get in, my parents
are pulling out of the driveway.

Theo, this is so great.

Come on, let's take
this up to the kitchen.

Hey, Howard. Come
here for a second.

Where is Justine?

I thought you guys
were picking her up.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.
She has a bad flu.

How come she didn't call me?

She was afraid that if she
called, your parents would answer

and they would figure out
what was going on tonight.

Oh, great. I don't have
a date to my own party.

Think again, desperado.

Do you know that lovely
young creature named Mona,

who goes to Columbia?

The cello player?

The very one.

Her boyfriend is out of town.

Guess who invited
her here tonight.

Howard, you dog.

Woof-woof.

Oh, it's her! Ha ha!

Hi, Theo.

Mona, so glad you could make it.

Me, too.

Before I ran into Howard, I
didn't have anything to do tonight.

Well, all that's
about to change.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Wait. Dan's parking the car.

What's happening?

You're Dan.

Uh, yeah, Denver was snowed
in, so they cancelled my flight.

Yo, Lenny, Deena, in here!

Lenny and Deena?

Our friends of ours.
Can they come in?

If it's not okay,
we'll understand.

Why not?

Lenny, Deena, this is our host.

Say, where's the food?

Uh, the kitchen.

Chow time! Let's go.

Here I am. The party can begin.

Hey, Lou.

What's happening? This
is Rita, my main squeeze.

Yo, she loves it
when I say that.

Hey, man, where is everybody?
I thought this was a party!

- Kitchen.
- Well, I can get them out here.

♪♪

- What's up, Lou?
- Hey, what's happening, brother?

Have a good one.

Okay.

Is everybody ready
to play Gold Mine?

Yeah!

Gold Mine is my favorite game.

I can feel myself mining
those gold nuggets now.

We need to pick partners.

I'll tell you what, Rudy,

why don't you and I be partners?

Okay.

Hey, that means
we're partners, Kenny.

All right, it's the men
against the women.

We're going to tear you up.

Well, oh, yeah?

The women gonna
stomp on your heads.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, now,
this is not men against women.

This is a friendly game
of people versus people.

Yeah, but the men people
gonna make you look bad.

Now let's roll to
see who goes first.

Yes! 11!

Let's see you beat that, bud.

12!

Boxcars! We go first.

- They just lucky.
- Yeah.

Well, that was not
luck, that was skill.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Collect 500 gold nuggets.

Partner, I think our opponents
are in for a long losing night.

Don't bet on it, bud.

This is supposed
to be a small party.

How did this happen?

I have no idea. I'm just
as surprised as you are.

Man, if my parents
find out about this...

Hey, who's that?

Her name is Amy, she
goes to Hunter College.

She's been eyeing you all night.

She has?

She knows you're the host,

so she wants to be where
the center of the action is.

Well, I guess I can't
disappoint a guest, right?

I guess not.

- Excuse me.
- Hi.

- I hear you go to Hunter.
- Yes, I do.

Hey, Theo, you got any
ketchup for the steaks?

Steaks?

Nobody's supposed
to be eating steaks!

Excuse me.

What's going on here?
Where'd you get these steaks?

Out of the freezer.

Who are you, anyway?

I'm Kenny.

Hank told me to come over.

- Who's Hank?
- I don't know Hank.

Candy knows Hank.

What happened over here?

The table broke. I
was just dancing on it.

- You were dancing on the coffee table?
- There's no room on the dance floor.

Oh, man, this is terrible.

Hey, don't worry about it,
man, I'm not going to sue you.

Look at this table.

Look at it. It's destroyed.

Theo, what's done is done.

You can't reverse time.

You have two options.

One, you can wallow in
the tragedy of the event,

or two, you can accept it and get
on with what's going on in your life,

which is a fabulous party.

You know, he's right.

And don't forget that you
have a very lovely guest

that wants to enjoy
your party with you.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

So are you enjoying the party?

Yeah.

Listen, I know a quiet
place that we can talk.

I'd like that.

Okay, come on.

Excuse me. Excuse us, excuse us.

- Hey, Theo.
- Hey, what's up?

Boogie oogie woogie!

How'd you guys get in here?

This door was locked.

Someone picked the lock.

It's domestic.

If you want the imported,
it's in the bathtub.

You put beer in the bathtub?

What are you doing in
here? Get out of here!

Get out of here!

All right, everybody
out! Get out of here!

Get out of this room!
Get out of this house, now!

This is the last time
we come to party here.

This guy's too uptight.

Out!

Look, I'm really sorry
about all these distractions.

Get out of here.

Now. Move it!

I'm really sorry about all of this.
I don't understand some people.

You know... you've
got beautiful eyes.

Theo! Code 9! Basement.

Somebody's stuck in
the washing machine.

- I'm serious, man.
- I'm listening.

Listen, please don't
leave, I'll be right back.

Okay.

5!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

All right, we struck gold again.

Okay.

The other prospectors
have to pay us $10,000!

$10,000?

We only have 11,000 left.

Pay up.

And no I.O.U.'s.

Women, that's all they
care about is money.

Aw, come on, Kenny, roll an 8

and get up to that gold
mine, we need cash.

4.

Oh no! Danger card.

"Your mule gets sick and dies.

The doctor's fee is $1,000."

Wipe out.

This is a tragedy.

Women beat the men,
women beat the men.

Rudy, now we
shouldn't taunt them.

Men can't stand to lose.

Anna, just let me
tell you something.

He's probably going to
tell us that they let us win.

Uh-huh.

Russell, what were
you going to say?

Uh, skip it.

Want me to call you a cab?

No. I didn't drink. I'm
the designated driver.

That's the backyard,
the street's that way.

I know, but I parked my
car on your back lawn.

Hey, Lou.

Lou!

Lou, the party's over.

Say, man, it's only
3 in the morning.

What am I supposed to
do for the rest of the night?

Just leave, please.

Later.

Uh, Lou?

That's my radio.

Bye.

That's it, everybody's
out of the house.

Wait a minute. Where's Amy?

She left about a
half an hour ago.

Oh, man, I didn't even
get a chance to be with her.

Don't worry, she
knows where you live.

Come on, let's start
cleaning this mess up.

I think we should
start in the living room.

That's what needs the most work.

I'm dead.

Ah, nature!

Yes, yes, nature
is a beautiful thing.

Yes, and I am going to go back
and get some more of that nature.

What do you know, Poconos!

I just killed the table.

Cliff, I smell something.

This place smells
like an old beer hall.

And smoke.

Theo has had company.

Ah, you guys are home early.

Mom, Dad, I want to talk
to you about this table.

Oh, yes, let's do
talk about this table.

While you were
gone, we had a party.

It got a little bit out of hand.

It wasn't all Theo's fault.

Originally, it was intended
to be a party for six people,

but due to circumstances
beyond our control,

the party swelled to
approximately 200.

Anyway, some things got damaged.

We cleaned the house
up as best as we could,

and we fixed what we could fix.

A little bit better than
you fixed this table, I hope.

You better put that
back on the list, Howard.

What is the list?

This is a list of things
we couldn't repair.

You guys can go.

This is disgraceful.

Well, we can't sue the boy
because he has nothing.

Well, Mom, I was really
honest about what happened.

Honest about what, son?

I mean, did you have a choice?

I could have not been honest.

I could have just gone away.

Gone away.

Yeah, I could have gotten some
clothes together and gone away.

You know, I really
seriously considered that.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

That's exactly it.

Away.

Yeah, come on, let's go.

Where are we going?

Away.

- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah... Yeah, but...

I'm driving you,
I'm driving you, son.

That's where you're going.

Away.

You don't need anything
else. This is all you need.

Here we go. Here we go.

Hi, Theo.

Amy, I can't talk now.
I think I'm going away.

They've been gone a long time.

Yeah.

Where do you
suppose he took him?

Jail.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey.

Where's Theo?

Away.

And?

And what?

And where is he?

Away.

He's going to be
away every morning.

I took him over to Mrs. Jackson's
Holy Mission for the Homeless.

And I explained to her
that I had a wonderful son

who loved to throw parties
and serve the people.

And I said, "Don't you have
something for him to do?"

She said, "Yes, of course."

So, from 5:30 to 6:30,

our son will be chopping
vegetables for the homeless people

and serving them.

Now, I know he has a
problem getting up at that hour,

but then I asked her son
Charlie, who is 6'4, 250 pounds,

to please come by my house
and go up to the bedroom,

pick the boy up by the face,

and take him down
and put him into the car.

So that's where you took him.

That was the second place.

The first place I took him
was to the army recruiter.

I was dead serious
about it, Clair.

He sat in the car.

"Dad, where are you taking me?"

I said, 'I am putting your
you-know-what in the Army."

So we got in line.

I didn't know that that many parents
were taking their children down

to put them in the service.

There's 50 parents with 50 kids.

Boys and girls, mind you.

All of them standing there.

Some of them had
the kid by the neck.

One lady had a rope
around the boy's neck.

Another father had his hand
in his pocket like this here.

You move and this is the last...

So we're standing there,

after about seven people
went in and came out,

the Army recruiter came
outside with a bullhorn.

The man said, "Listen to me.

"All you parents who
brought your little kids here

"to be put into the service

"because your kid ran up money
over the weekend on the credit card,

"or because your kid
made somebody pregnant,

"or because your kid gave a
party and wrecked the house,

get out of line!"

The United States of
America is a wonderful place,

but they don't have anything
where you can get rid of your kid.

No, don't do that, cause that's
how we got the five we have.

♪♪

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.

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