The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 6 - That's Not What I Said - full transcript

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Here you go, Mom. I brought
you some warm milk and cookies.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I thought it might
help calm you down.

I am calm. Really?

I wouldn't be calm
if my son were in jail.

Vanessa, Theo is not in jail,
he's just at the police station.

And we really don't
know the whole story,

so let's not jump
to conclusions.

Okay.



- Mom?
- Yes?

Is Theo still in jail?

Rudy, Theo is not in jail.

He's only been arrested.

Theo has not been
arrested. Theo is not in jail.

He's just at the police station.

Why?

Because he was
in a car with a friend,

and the friend was
driving a little too fast,

and the friend only
had a learner's permit.

But I don't get it. What
was Theo doing in a car?

I mean, I thought you and Dad
grounded him last week for cutting class.

We did, Vanessa, but we gave
him permission to go to the library.

But didn't he call from a
police station in Coney Island?



That's right, he did.

And for his sake, I hope there's a
very good library in Coney Island.

Are you mad at Theo?

Honey, I really don't think you
should concern yourself with this.

This is a matter between
Theo and your father and me.

So let's just say good night.

Yeah. Good night, Rudy.

And good night, Vanessa.

But don't you want me to stay
up and keep you company?

I'll stay up and keep
you company, too.

That is not why you are to be down
here, Miss Nosey and Miss Busybody.

Come on, let's get up.
Let's move it. Let's go.

Ah, man! We're going.

Don't worry, Rudy, we'll be able
to hear the yelling in our bedroom.

Good!

Sorry, Mom.

Theo, I don't know that I'm going
to be able to accept that apology

until I've heard all the facts.

Well, Tom Lauke picked me up in
his dad's new car to go to the library.

Tom Lauke has no driver's
license. He has a permit.

He has a permit.

There were only
two people in the car.

Two permits driving around
the city aiming at people.

Tom promised
he'd drive real slow.

Theo, please, you know you're suppose to
have a licensed driver in the car with you.

Well, I know.

But we weren't going very far.

Theo! Coney Island
is 10 miles away.

Did you even get
near the library?

Sure. We went in. We put our books on
the tables and our jackets on the chairs.

And then we went
out to get a hot dog.

I see. So the library was a cover
up for this trip to Coney Island?

- There you go.
- Yeah.

And it was on the way back when
Tom accidentally ran through the red light.

Uh-huh.

That' s when we heard the siren.

So I turned around, and I saw a police
car coming at us with his lights flashing.

So I said, "Uh-oh,
it's the cops."

That must have freaked Tom out,
because he hit the pedal and we were off.

You tried to outrun the police?

Well, don't worry, Mom.

I had my seatbelt
on the whole time.

Besides, the chase
only lasted three blocks.

Tom started to slow down,

and then policeman got on the
loudspeaker and ordered him to pull over.

Well, that kind of freaked
him out some more

because he jerked the steering wheel,
he jumped the curb and hit a stop sign.

Theo, I think I've heard enough.

Give me and your father a few
minutes to discuss your punishment

and then you come back
down here and talk to us.

Yes, Mom.

Hey, Dad, am I really
in that much trouble?

Let me tell you something.

We're going to the kitchen.

You can go out,
you can get my car,

you can drive backwards
to Coney Island,

run over the hot-dog
man and two stop signs,

and you won't be in any
more trouble than you are now.

It doesn't get easier, does it?

Oh, Cliff, I can't remember ever
being angrier with one of these children.

You'd have been angrier if you
had gone down to that police station.

I went down there and I said
to the sergeant at the desk,

I said, "I'm here to pick
up Theodore Huxtable."

He said, "Oh, the
youth we apprehended."

I thought to myself,
"When we had this child,

we were going to call him
many things in the future."

We were going to call him a
great citizen, a fantastic student,

but not certainly "the
youth we apprehended."

Then he found out I was a doctor

and he said, "People who
come from successful families

"usually have this sort of
problem because the parents

"are too busy doing what they
do in their professional lives.

They don't have time to
spend with the children."

And then he handed me
this pamphlet which says

"Troubled youth begins at home."

Perfect. Theo breaks our
rules, and you get the lecture.

I don't know, Cliff.

Something has
gotten into him lately.

Well, I think it all started
when he began to shave.

You know, if I tell
Theo to do something,

I have to go behind him
and make sure he's done it.

I have to tell him ten times
before he does anything.

Do you know he took my
razor and used my last blade?

Yesterday, he took
my car with a friend who

has a driver's license,
and that was okay.

All I asked was that he
put some gas in the car.

I even gave him
the money to do it.

Came back, didn't
put the gas in the car,

never gave me the money back.

I ended up running out
of gas on my way to work.

Why would somebody take your
last blade and not tell you about it?

- Cliff?
- Hmm?

Are you listening to me?

Yeah, yeah, I was listening.

You know about
the gas in my car?

What about it?

You see? You're
not listening to me.

Why would you say you were
listening to me if you weren't listening?

Oh, because I was
thinking about the boy.

Well, I was talking
about the boy.

I thought you were
talking about your car.

I was talking about what
the boy did to my car.

If you'd been listening,
you'd had known that.

Yeah, well, you
weren't listening to me.

- Yes, I was.
- What did I say?

Oh, Cliff, you
know what you said.

There you go.

If you were listening
to what I said,

I was talking about the boy and
shaving and it nicked my face.

Cliff, I could have been
stranded somewhere.

Are you trying to tell me
that a nick on your face

is as important as your wife
being stranded somewhere at night

on a country road
alone by herself

in the pouring rain
and the howling winds?

What day was all this going on?

I was just trying
to make a point.

Yeah, well, your point
is untrue and fabricated.

So you think a little nick on
your face gives you a point?

Please!

You nick your face all the time.

You would nick your
face without a razor.

Nick, nick, nick.

Listen, I don't think you have
a reason to be upset with me.

How will you know?
You weren't even listening

If you'd been listening, you would
know that I should be upset with you.

And just maybe you
should be upset with me.

Well, I certainly don't
need anybody to tell

me when I should be
upset with somebody.

I mean, if I decide to
get upset with somebody,

I will make that decision
to be upset with somebody.

Nobody's going to tell me
when to get upset with somebody.

I get upset when I'm
ready to get upset.

And I'm upset now.

Uh, Mom, Dad?

What do you want?

You told me to come
down for my punishment.

Well, I don't think this
is the right time, son.

Well, you are going to give
it to me tonight, aren't you?

I wouldn't be so eager
if I were you, Theo.

Oh, I'm not eager, Mom.

It's just that I wanted to
get it over with tonight.

Why?

Well, you know my
grounding ends on Saturday,

and I was kind of hoping maybe I
could go to a party at Lana's house.

You have the arrogance to
stand there and to inform me

that you are going to a party

when your father just brought
you home from the jailhouse?

Why don't you go
up to your room.

I think that boy
has lost his mind.

Sondra and Denise didn't
act like this at his age.

Why is he like this?

I just... he's a boy,

and boys go through
that kind of thing.

Are you saying that
this is natural for a boy?

That we should excuse his
behavior because he's male?

That's not what I'm saying.

Well, then what are you saying?

I'm not saying anything.

Whatever... whatever you
say, that's what is gonna be said.

No, no, no. Cliff,
don't do that.

Please don't do that.

Don't patronize me like that.

"Whatever you say is going to
be what's said and that's final."

That's not right.

And you should say
what you want to say.

You should say what you're
saying, but don't say that.

That's so beneath you.

Why don't we talk about whatever it
is we're angry about in the morning?

We'll get some sleep, okay?

I don't think either of us will
be going to sleep anytime soon.

Why not?

Because when we married, we
promised we'd never go to sleep angry.

We were younger then. We
didn't need as much sleep.

- Cliff.
- I'll tell you what.

Let's count to three and
then stop being angry, okay?

That is not gonna get it.
There has to be an apology first.

Okay, I accept your apology.

Oh, no, no. It is you
who owe me the apology.

- For what?
- For getting us both upset.

Well, you got us both upset
first. Where's my apology for that?

Are you suggesting that I'm the
one who owes you an apology?

You better believe it.

Well, if that's what you're saying,
I'm just saying one more thing.

What?

We are going to sleep angry.

Fine with me.

Don't bother me,
don't bother you.

Don't bother me.

I didn't want the covers anyway.

And another thing
is I was in the Navy,

and I slept closer
than this to the enemy.

Ooh!

Here's a story about two high school
guys who robbed a grocery store.

Is Theo's name in it?

No. I don't think he
did anything that bad.

Keep looking.

I know it's in here someplace.

Janet says that every
day they publish a list

of everyone in the city
who's been arrested.

Maybe Theo used a fake name.

Yeah! I'll look under John Doe.

Then try Theo Doe.

Hey.

Theo, what name did
you give the police?

What are you talking about?

You know, when they booked you.

They didn't book me, Vanessa.

I waited at the police station
until Dad came to pick me up.

What did Mom and Dad do to you?

Nothing. They got into an
argument and forgot all about me.

Really?

They must still be at it. I
haven't got my punishment yet.

Boy, when they stop
arguing, you are going to get it.

Yeah, your goose is boiled.

I bet they'll send Theo to
a juvenile delinquent farm.

He's probably going to have
to break rocks with a hammer.

I'm outta here.

Okay, Rudy, we have a choice.

We can either go to school now,

or we can stay here and find
out what they're arguing about.

- Let's stay here.
- I'm with you.

Here comes Dad. Act cool, okay?

- Hey.
- Hey, Dad.

Dad, you look tired.

Yeah, I am.

- We're you up late?
- Yeah

- A baby?
- No.

- Reading?
- No.

- Arguing?
- Rudy!

We weren't going to find out
anything with your questions.

Dad, I'm sorry
Rudy brought it up.

If you don't want to
talk about it, it's okay.

Your mother and I
were arguing, but we're in

love and people do
that from time to time.

When's it going to be over?

Oh, soon, I'm sure.

Maybe you should
give Mom some flowers.

Girls like that.

I think you should
buy her a dog.

And... and what kind of dog do
you think your mother should get?

A cocker spaniel
with a red collar.

Isn't there a school bus
waiting for you guys?

Yeah, Dad. Yeah.

Come on, Rudy, I'll walk you.

Okay.

Remember, Dad, you're just a
dog away from this being over.

I understand that, and I want to
thank you for your suggestions

because they were both
enlightening and delightening.

Morning, hon.

Good morning.

Are we still arguing?

I don't know.

Are we?

It doesn't look like it.

I gave it a lot of thought, Cliff, and I
think I know where we went wrong.

See, we were really
angry with Theo,

and then we got upset with each other
and tried to force each other to apologize.

Yeah, I know. We were silly.

Well, I have come up with
a way to end this argument

and no one has to say I'm sorry.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

We're going to
write on these pads.

We're going to write down the things
that the other did that made us upset.

And when we're finished,
we'll exchange lists,

take a look at them,

and then we'll promise
never to do those things again.

Okay. You go ahead, write first.

Let's go together.

Together? All right, here
we are... Ha ha... writing.

Okay.

I'm... I'm finished.

- Uh-huh.
- You're still writing.

That's because
I'm not finished yet.

I thought you were finished.

I know, but I just thought
of some other things.

You're writing out of spite.

No, I'm not, dear.

Yes, you are. Give me this pad.

Let me see this.

"I didn't like it
when Clair did...

and then she said..."

Cliff, what is this? You
haven't completed a sentence.

Well, you fill in the blanks.
You know what you did wrong.

You see this?

You see number
five here on my list?

Pigheaded, that's you.

Yeah, well, okay, so I'll show
you number nine on my list.

You know what number nine is?

Gives us dumb things to
do, that's what number nine is.

Oh, Cliff. No, no, no!

The problem is that you don't
like newness and innovation,

and you can't take me
trying to be honest with you.

And until you can,
this argument is still on.

Good day.

Good day? It's morning.
That's how much you know.

It's not good day,
it's good morning.

So I'll make that number 10.

"Doesn't know what
time of day it is."

Well, your blood pressure's
right on, and that's just fine.

Dr. Huxtable? Mm-hmm?

I hate to be critical, but I'm just
not enjoying this visit very much.

- Oh, really?
- No.

I was hoping you'd be funnier.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry.

You know, every time I come
in here, you make me laugh.

It really takes my
mind off things.

But today, today
you've been all business.

I barely cracked a smile.

I don't even think I
should pay for this visit.

Hey, I know.

Why don't you tell me the one about
the stork with the bricked-up chimney.

I love that voice
you do for the stork.

Maybe next time.

What? Is there
something wrong with me?

No, no, no, you're fine.

You're... you're
absolutely fine.

Then what is it? Is it
a personal problem?

Did you have a
fight with your wife?

That's it. I can tell.

My wife and I had an argument.

I knew it.

Well, it's all your fault.

It's... it's my fault?

Because you're a man.

And in my experience,
it's always the man's fault.

You see, you guys have these
hormones that make you do strange things.

Like what?

Like buying sports cars
when you're middle-aged.

Or belching at the table and saying,
"Wasn't that a good one, honey?"

Well, to a woman,
it may be belching,

but to a man,
it's a mating call.

- Get out of here.
- See? I made you laugh.

That doesn't count.
You tricked me.

Yeah, well, you're
still gonna pay this bill.

Mr. Hanson, I agree,

An out-of-court
settlement would be best.

Please have a seat.

But quite frankly, I find your
client's offer unacceptable.

Oh, we think $75,000
is more than fair.

Well, $75,000 will hardly
compensate for the loss of income

due to your client's
delay in shipping.

I think we're being overly
generous by offering anything at all.

Mary, I'm in conference.

Oh, yes?

Yes, of course I'll take the
call. Please put it through.

Excuse me just
one moment, please.

Hello. Sweetness?

Uh, my secretary said
that this is important.

- Have you got a minute?
- Yes.

♪♪

You recognize that?

Yes, I recall that.

Remember when
we first danced to it?

Yes, I recall that also.

Listen, I don't like
it when we argue.

I concur.

- Can we make up?
- Perhaps

- I love you.
- I know.

- Do you love me?
- Yes.

Let me hear you say it.

I...

I will have to defer
on that request.

Why?

I'm in a conference, Doctor.

Say it in Spanish.

I like it, but I don't think
you said "I love you."

Correctamente, Señor Doctor.

Okay.

Well, you don't have to say it,
but I do want you to dance with me.

I don't think I can do that.

Are you sitting at your desk?

Well, yes. Yes, I am.

And I'm sitting at my desk, see.

So I want the two of us
to desk dance together.

I beg your pardon?

Come on, Claire, you
know you can do it.

No.

Don't let me dance by myself.

All right. Okay.

Whoo!

I'm very sorry, but I
really must be going now.

Okay. I'll see you at home?

- Yes.
- Bye.

Well, thank you very much. It's
been very lovely talking to you.

I really am sorry.

That was a call from
my most important client.

Yes.

I always take calls
from my wife, too.

♪♪

Mmm!

Oh, hi!

Oh, boy!

Looks like you two
aren't arguing anymore.

That's right. And now that we've finished,
we can concentrate on your punishment.

Why don't you go
up to your room,

and we'll be up
to see you shortly.

- Okay.
- Okay.

But you will remember to give
it to me this time, won't you?

Oh, don't worry.

We'll see you later.

What I feel is...

that he understands exactly
what he's done wrong, and...

it's all right to let him go
to Lana's party Saturday.

Okay. All right?

We can ground him
for a week after that.

Mm-hmm.

You know... there's
still something...

we have to say to each other.

I know.

I'll go first.

No! No, no.

On the count of three, we'll
say it to each other together.

One... Uh-huh.

Two...

three.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna
get some dinner.

♪♪

The Cosby Show was taped
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