The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 5 - Shakespeare - full transcript

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Clair.

It's past 7 a.m., dear.

So?

Well, you have to go to work.

I quit.

No, you're a partner
in the law firm.

Hit it.

I'll be a silent partner.



Clair, look outside.
The sun shine!

Look at this!

Ta da!

Look at this, the birds are
saying, "Clair, it's your day!"

Let's make a nest.
Let's eat a worm.

You know what?

Tonight would be a
perfect night for a barbecue!

Cliff, no.

Come on, you know
you love a barbecue.

Oh, Cliff, come on. Every time you
barbecue you become like a man possessed.

Any food that's in the
house has to go on the grill.

Hamburgers, hot dogs, tossed
salad, macaroni, strawberry shortcake.

Listen, nothing enhances the
flavor of strawberry shortcake

like the smoke going
through it from the barbecue.



Cliff, how could you talk about
barbecuing on a day like today?

Honey, it is November
and freezing outside.

It doesn't make any difference.

Professor Foster's coming
all the way from Hillman.

Now, he does not have
a barbecue in mind.

Are you kidding? He loves it.

And Denise is coming.

And we'll have the
barbecue outside.

I'm going to make a
bargain with you, Cliff.

You can cook the
food outside if you want.

But we have to eat
it inside the house.

Okay.

Now, can we have it
on the paper plates?

Yes.

Yes. With the plastic
knives and forks?

You got it.

All right.

Barbecue!

Barbecue!

Hey!

Well, now this is
something I like to see:

Open books, open mind,
and a closed refrigerator.

Hey, Dad. Hi, Dr. Huxtable.

Walter, would you like
to stay for dinner tonight?

Oh, sure, but I have
to call home first.

That's what I like, see?

A young man calling his
parents and asking for permission.

No, Dad, he's not calling
to ask for permission.

He's calling to find out what
they're having for dinner at his house.

If our dinner sounds
better, he'll eat here.

Walter, just let me say
three words: bar-be-cue.

I'm eating here.

Well, I hope we still have an
appetite after studying this stuff.

What stuff?

Shakespeare.

Oh, yeah? I thought
you took that last year.

We did. But guess where
he showed up today?

History class.

Shakespeare was
a part of history.

Yeah, but Dad, it's not fair.

I think they should
make up their minds.

Is he literature
or is he history?

He can't be both.

- See, we're studying ancient Rome.
- Uh-huh.

And we have to read
something about Julius Caesar.

So the teacher gave us a choice.

We could either read a book
by Plutarch which was this thick,

or we could read Julius Caesar by
Shakespeare, which is only this thick.

The class voted for this.

And they didn't know what Theo and I
know: that Shakespeare is a drag to read.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Julius Caesar is
quite interesting.

I mean, they have good guys.

Bad guys.

And isn't there a
car chase in there?

Well, if there was,
I wouldn't know it.

Dad, this is not even
written in English.

Listen, don't
worry about a thing.

Brighten up, fellas,

'cause tonight's meal is going to
take all of your bad thoughts away.

What are we having?

Well, I'm going to go out
and I'm going to barbecue.

And then I'm going to make
something that goes right along

with what you guys are studying.

Caesar salad.

Vanessa, where's mom?

I need her help.

She's in the kitchen with Dr. Foster,
but you shouldn't bother them.

They're talking.

But I need to know
how to spell forest.

Oh, I could tell
you that. F-o-r-e-s-t.

Good. That's how I spell it.

What are you writing?

Oh, nothing. Just a fairy tale.

- Can I read it?
- No.

Why not?

Because whenever I show you
something, you tell me it is wrong.

If you let me read it I promise
I'll only say nice things.

Okay.

But I only have two sentences
and they took me a long time.

Nothing wrong with that.

The first couple of sentences
in a story are the most important.

"The Beautiful Princess
and the Dragon."

Good title. I'm
already interested.

It gets better.

"Once upon a time there was a
beautiful princess named Rudy."

Good touch, you
put yourself in it.

"She lived in a magic forest where
there was a mean dragon named Va..."

Vanessa?

Are you saying you
think I'm a dragon?

No.

Well then why did
you call it Vanessa?

I couldn't think
of another name.

Rudy, you're not going
to make me a dragon.

You can't tell me what to write.

I write what I want.

Fine, but you're going to show
me that before you hand it in.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Dr. Foster, I have
married a strange bird.

What's he doing now?

It is thirty degrees out and
he's standing over the barbecue

shivering as he blows in
his hands and slaps himself.

Shouldn't we get
the poor man inside?

Are you kidding? Cliff
loves this sort of thing.

Oh, the wind just shifted and
blew the smoke in his face.

Here he comes.

How's it going?

How's it going? It's going fine,

is how it's going

It's a perfect night for a
barbecue out there, dear.

The stars, look up,
you see them twinkling.

Thirty degrees, huh?

Oh, but I'm so excited about the barbecue,
I forgot how cold it was out there.

I'm sure that Dr. Foster's
excited about it also.

I'm trembling with anticipation.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.

Oh, hi, Dr. Foster.

Hello, Denise. How are you?

Fine.

I haven't seen you
on campus lately.

Oh, well, you know
what it's like at Hillman.

Busy, busy, busy.

Well, it's a shame you don't
see each other more often.

Denise, you should
take Dr. Foster's class.

She did.

She did? She did?

Uh-huh.

Well, we didn't know about that.

Perhaps that's because she
was in class for only one day.

One day?

One day?

Uh-huh.

It's not uncommon for students to
drop out of my class on the first day.

That's when I hand out the
work schedule for the semester.

So you mean to tell
me that a certain person,

who will remain nameless,
but is in this room,

dropped out of your class?

After she saw the work schedule.

Uh-huh.

Uh-uh. No, no. That's
not what happened.

Dr. Foster's class is so early in the
morning, I was afraid that I'd oversleep

and I'd miss it, because of all
that late night studying that I do.

Uh-huh.

I think I'll get that.

Stay in the heat while
you're in the kitchen.

So, Dr. Foster... Yes, dear?

There's a rumor going around
campus that you're thinking of retiring.

I think about it everyday.

Oh.

But don't you worry, I promise to hang in
there long enough for you to take my class.

- Hey, son.
- Hey, Dad.

This is a friend of mine,
Jonathan Lawrence.

My son, Heathcliff.

- How are you, sir?
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You were right Russell,
here's your dollar.

What did you give
him a dollar for?

Well, three blocks away, we
detected the smell of charcoal in the air.

So I said, "Who would be daft enough
to barbecue in thirty degree weather?"

Okay.

And I said there's only
one person I know. My son.

I didn't believe him,
so I bet him a dollar.

All right, well give me the dollar
and you can both stay for dinner.

Well, sorry, son, but we plan
on having dinner in the village.

We're on our way to the
Blue Note to hear some jazz.

Well, why didn't you tell
me? Dr. Foster's in the kitchen.

That's a good idea, keeping a doctor
around when you barbecue in bad weather.

No, no, it's not
a doctor doctor.

This is a doctor of
literature at Hillman.

Jonathan's kidding.

He teaches drama at Columbia.

I thought the two should meet.

You are kidding.

Why don't you stay for dinner?

Well, it's fine with me.
How about you, Jonathon?

It's a mighty generous
offer. I'll accept.

All right, follow
me to the kitchen.

Son, if we are staying to dinner, at
least I should go out and get some dessert.

Don't have to. It's
already on the barbecue.

Heathcliff, this is the best
indoor barbecue I've ever had.

Well, thank you, sir.

This is not a bad
meal for only a dollar.

Hey, Dr. Lawrence, do
you really teach acting?

Yes, along with theater
history and directing.

You know, I don't
have a major yet.

Maybe I should
become a drama major.

You'll still have
to take my course.

Dr. Lawrence, have you ever taught
any actors who became famous?

I most certainly have.

Who?

Michael Youngfellow.

Who's Michael Youngfellow?

Oh, come on, you know,
the television commercial.

Where the car engine comes to life
and all the spark plugs begin to dance.

Well, Michael Youngfellow is
the third spark plug from the left.

Wow, he is famous.

Yes, four years I
worked with Michael.

Four long years.

I taught him everything I knew
about the history of the theater,

the art of the theater,
the magic of the theater

so he could make a living
as a dancing spark plug.

Dr. Lawrence?

Yes, Theo?

Do you happen to know the
girl in the diet cola commercial

who walks on the beach
wearing a bathing suit?

Sorry, she wasn't
one of my students.

That's too bad.
She's a good actress.

What does she say?

Well, she doesn't say anything.

She just acts.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I've admired her.

Her work, I mean.

Is everybody ready for dessert?

Yeah!

Mom, you better count
me and Cockroach out.

Why?

We have to hit the books.

Wait a minute.

You guys are passing up
dessert to do your homework?

We have a ton to do.

No, no, wait one second here.

Are you showing off because there
are two professors in this house?

No.

What are you gentlemen studying?

Shakespeare.

Oh, the sonnets or the plays?

The play Julius Caesar.

Ah, hah. Now that's a good play.

Yes, it is.

We keep hearing that,
but I'm sorry, it's boring.

You have to just
keep at it, Walter.

Many of my students have
difficulty with Shakespeare at first.

What?

We have to take
Shakespeare in college too?

When you take my course, you do.

Can't wait.

Well, listen, how far
are you into the play?

Well, we're up to the point where all
those senators are ready to ambush Caesar.

Oh, you mean the part where
Cassius is trying to recruit Brutus

to participate in the
plot against Caesar?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's
a marvelous scene.

The senators are applauding
and cheering Caesar,

and Brutus leans over
to Cassius and says,

Another general shout.

I do believe that these applauses are for
some new honors that are heaped on Caesar.

Hit it, hit it.

Well, then Cassius
says to Brutus,

Why, man, he doth bestride
the narrow world like a colossus,

and we petty men
walk under his huge legs

and peep about to find
ourselves dishonorable graves.

Men that sometime are
masters of their fates.

The fault, dear Brutus,
is not in our stars,

but in ourselves that
we are underlings.

Brutus and Caesar.

What should be in that Caesar?

Why should that name be
sounded more than yours?

Write them together,
yours is as fair a name.

Sound them, it doth
become the mouth as well.

Weigh them, it is as heavy.

Conjure with them, Brutus would
start a spirit as soon as Caesar.

Now in the name of
all the Gods at once,

upon what meat doth
this, our Caesar, feed

that he has grown so great?

Now, you see.

Dr. Foster.

Me?

Yes, you.

I vaguely recall a few passages.

Would you please stop it?

You were born before
the man started writing.

Come on, doctor,
favor us. Come on.

Age, thou art shamed.

Rome, thou hast lost
the breed of noble bloods.

When went there by an
age since the great flood

but it was famed with
more than with one man.

When could they say 'til
now that talked of Rome

that her wide walls
encompass but one man?

Now it is Rome indeed and room enough,
when there is in it but one only man.

Oh, you and I have heard our
fathers say there was a Brutus once

that would have brooked
the eternal devil to

keep his fate in Rome
as easily as a king.

Class dismissed.

Don't stop. Don't stop.

Come on.

I feel we're boring
the youngsters.

No, no!

This is the first time I've
actually understood this stuff.

Dr. Lawrence, do you
remember any other speeches?

Well, Caesar has a speech
that I'm particularly fond of.

Caesar spots the slim
Cassius, one of the conspirators,

and says to his friend Antonius;

Let me have men
about me that are fat.

Sleek headed men and
such as sleep o' nights.

Young Cassius has a
lean and hungry look.

He thinks too much.

Such men are dangerous.

Fear him not, Caesar.
He's not dangerous.

He's a noble Roman,
and well given.

Would he were fatter.

But I fear him not.

Yet if my name were liable
to fear I do not know the man

I should avoid so soon
as that spare Cassius.

He reads much.

He's a great observer, and he
looks quite through the deeds of men.

He loves no plays as
though dost, Antony.

He hears no music.

Seldom he smiles.

And smiles in such a sort
as if he mocked himself

and scorned his spirit that could
be moved to smile at anything.

Such men as he be
never at heart's ease,

whilst they behold a
greater than themselves.

Therefore are they
very dangerous.

I rather tell thee what is to
be feared, than what I fear,

for always I am Caesar.

All right, grandpa!

That's my father.

Your father can't do that.

I'm very impressed.

Well, thank you, but it's easy when
you have such beautiful language.

Yes, Mr. Shakespeare
was no mean writer.

I'm a writer, too.

You are?

Yes, I wrote a fairy
tale and it is good.

Now, I would like to read that.

Really? Yes.

Oh, let us see the work
of this young scribe.

Young Rudith, run hither
and yon to thy roometh

and get thy writings and bring
them downest to the meneth.

What?

Go up to your room
and get the script, Jack.

Grandpa, when did
you learn Shakespeare?

It started when I was
traveling with the Jazz Caravan.

When you're on tour with a band,
you spend a whole lot of time on a bus.

So I started reading Shakespeare
and I read all the plays many times.

And nobody made you read them?

No. I read them because
I wanted to, Walter.

I respect that Mr. Huxtable.

I don't understand
it, but I respect it.

Here's my story.

Ah-ha!

Now I have seen original
manuscripts by William Shakespeare,

but I want to tell you,
they are not as neat as this.

Thank you.

Can you read it
out loud, please?

It would be my pleasure.

But I'm going to have to seek the
assistance of my fellow thespians.

Gentlemen, would you
join me, please? Thank you.

I'd be happy to join you.

No, no, no, Cliff.

They don't need you.

Woman, go hide thyself.

Ladies and gentlemen...
There you go.

We would like to present
the world premiere

of "The Beautiful Princess and the
Dragon," by Rudy Lillian Huxtable.

"Once upon a time there was a
beautiful princess named Rudy.

"She lived in a magic forest where
there was a dragon named Bud."

No. No, no, that's Buuud.

Buuud.

That's it.

Thank you.

"The dragon liked to walk through the
forest, and he would say to everyone:"

"I am Bud," meanest
dragon in the world.

"" I breathe fire.

I eat anything that moves. ""

"He was a scary dragon.

"One day Princess Rudy walked
up to her flying horse named Theo,

"and Theo said.

"" Princess Rudy, you are the
loveliest princess in the land.

Where would you
like to fly today? ""

"Princess Rudy said,
'let us fly to Canada.

"And just then
Bud, the dragon..."

"Buuud the Dragon, jumped
out from behind a tree."

"Princess Rudy, if you
try to leave the forest,

I will blow fire on your
horse and eat him up."

Barbecue.

Theo tried to fly away, but the
dragon swallowed him whole.

"Princess Rudy was afraid.

"She ran into a cave
made of chocolate.

"Bud said,"

""Princess Rudy, come
out or I'll eat the cave.""

"Princess Rudy yelled, 'Leave
me alone Bud. Go eat your feet.'

"Bud huffed and
puffed and said:"

""I'd rather eat your feet.""

"Princess Rudy ran to the
back door and opened it,

but a witch was there
named Vanessa."

You made me a witch?

How could you do that?

You said you didn't
want to be a dragon.

Well, I don't
want to be a witch.

Shh. Let him finish.

"Vanessa said,"

"" I am not a bad witch.

I'm a good witch. ""

All right.

"I have a magic wand
and I will save you."

"And Vanessa hit Bud on
the nose with her magic wand."

""Ow.""

"And when Bud opened
his mouth, Theo flew out.

"The dragon ran away.

"Theo, Vanessa and
Rudy flew to Canada

and lived happily ever after."

Bravo!

Bravo!

Well, that does it for me.

Huh?

I'm done.

No, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, what do
you mean you're done?

What did you do?

I did what I said
I was going to do.

We had an agreement.

You were going to take
care of the barbecue.

I was going to take
care of everything else.

I've taken care of
everything else. I'm finished.

Yeah, but honey, all
you had to do was take

the paper plates and
put them in the trash.

I'm going to the
living room, Cliff.

I'm going to curl up on the
sofa and watch an old movie.

What old movie?

Captain Blood with Errol Flynn.

But Captain Blood
is my favorite movie.

I know.

I'll tell you what. I'll leave
those soaking in there and...

Because in the morning
when I come down, see,

the little bubbles will
have eaten the grease,

you know, like on the
commercials the little bubbles go up

and they eat the grease.

So let them eat the grease now
and then I'll watch the movie with you.

And I can come down
here in the morning

and find that nasty thing floating in
the greasy, grungy, scummy water.

No, thank you.

Okay.

You know, I thought
that a marriage

was something that
we're sharing, you know.

But it seems like
that isn't what it is, so

I'll just go back here
and scrub these up.

Cliff, do you promise me that you will wash
that thing first thing tomorrow morning?

First thing in the morning.

After the little bubbles
eat the grease, you know.

Okay. Come on,
let's watch the movie.

All right. Wait,
wait, wait, wait.

This is a marriage.

We're sharing.

Come on, this is a marriage.

Sharing.

Sharing. Marriage.

Hey.

Hey.

How's the studying?

We're done. Yeah.

After what we heard tonight, Shakespeare
really started to make some sense.

And now we've made it
make even more sense.

How?

Well, we were upstairs
practicing Mark Anthony's speech,

"Friends, Romans, countrymen."

You want to hear it?

Well, goeth oneth.

♪ I say friends ♪

♪ Let me hold your ear ♪

♪ And Romans ♪

L♪ et me hold your ears ♪

♪ I say countrymen ♪

♪ Let me hold your ears ♪

♪ Now, I'm Marcus Antonius
but they call me Mark ♪

♪ I didn't come to bite,
you see, I came to bark ♪

♪ About the holes that the
brothers put in Julius C. ♪

♪ As far as I'm concerned
it was cool with me ♪

♪ You see, Brutus and the boys must
have known what they were doing ♪

♪ Caesar was about
to run Rome to ruin ♪

♪ 'cause Brutus is cool ♪

♪ All Caesar did was
to Romanize the world ♪

♪ And put some bronze in
the palm of every boy and girl ♪

♪ But the man's so chill that
when they handed him the crown ♪

♪ Caesar said ♪
♪ No, baby ♪

♪ And turned the crown down ♪

♪ But Brutus, he said,
he said he's into greed ♪

♪ Which is how he justified
the Ides of March deed ♪

♪ But Brutus is cool ♪

♪ I say chill, homeboy,
my heart's with Dr. J. ♪

♪ So let's get busy
'til he comes this way ♪

♪ Doctor was
taken to the bridge ♪

♪ Now the last little Caesar
scene before homeboy blew ♪

♪ Was to drop some old
gold on each one of you ♪

♪ J.C. was you father ♪

♪ J.C. was your brother ♪

♪ And what I want to know ♪

♪ When comes such another? ♪

♪ Great Caesar's ghost
Great Caesar's ghost ♪

♪ He's chilling most ♪

♪ From coast to coast ♪

♪ Great Caesar's ghost
Great Caesar's ghost ♪

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