The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 4 - Cliff's Mistake - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [humming]

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Hey, I'm going down
to the novelty shop

to pick up something for
Rudy's haunted house party.

What are you getting?

Well, I don't know, but I mean,
you know, I am the master of fright.

You just remember
that they're children.

No, no, I'll take
it easy on them.

Hee hee hee hee.

Oh, Jeffrey Engels called. He's
gonna be over here in an hour.



Oh, will you tell him if
he gets here and I'm not...

Stay until I get back.

Sure. He's bringing Beth to
help Rudy with the haunted house

and I think he'd like to pick up
that power drill that you borrowed.

Oh, man. I forgot I had that.

You've had it for
almost a month.

I had it that long, huh?

Honey, don't you remember?

You wanted to put a
new shelf under the sink.

Your power drill was broken,
so you borrowed Jeffrey's.

And I might add that the
shelf still is unfinished.

Oh, but wait a minute,
it's almost finished.

Lookit, check it out.

Halfway home.



Cliff, I don't mean
this to be a criticism,

but we are halfway home on
a lot of projects in this house.

You have a habit of starting
these things with enthusiasm,

but you don't finish them.

The reason for that, dear,
is every time I start a project,

a pregnant woman rings
the phone with labor pains,

and I have to leave
and go to the hospital,

and I don't get to
finish the project.

So when are you
going to finish them?

When I retire.

Well, please
retire this evening.

Because you're gonna
need the rest of your life

to finish all these projects.

If it makes you happy,

I'll finish the shelves today.

Now that would
make me very happy.

And, allow me to... I'll also
give you a dish towel rack.

The shelf will do.

All right, then.

I shall go down and
do the novelty shopping,

and then I will also,

madam, if you don't mind,

pick up a new drill for myself.

Fine.

And maybe a forklift truck.

[chuckling]

When can I open my eyes?

Just a minute.

Ooh, what is it?

Eyeballs. Ew!

Ha, I got you!

They're just grapes.

What's going on?

We're making a haunted
house in the basement.

All our friends are coming
over later to go through it.

Vanessa, you got to
see the coffin I made.

It's unbelievable.

Theo, aren't you
kind of old for this?

I mean, it sounds
pretty immature to me.

You know, Vanessa, we're
thinking of making you the mummy.

- The mummy?
- Yeah.

You see, you get all
wrapped up in bandages

and you get to pop out the coffin
and start walking around like a zombie.

And if you want, you
can even grab people.

Oh, wow! All right, I'm in.

[giggles] The mummy.

Rudy, what are you gonna be?

A witch!

She has to be a
witch, she's a woman.

What's that supposed to mean?

Women can only be
witches and princesses.

That's what my brother says.

I don't care what your brother
says. I can be anything I want.

I can be Frankenstein.

Frankenstein was a man.

You can only be his
wife, and she was ugly.

Well, hello, goblins
and goblinettes.

[Theo] Hey, Dad.

Check out this ghost.

See, I'm gonna rig
it so when you get

to the bottom of the
stairs, it flies in your face.

This is gonna be
some haunted house.

I get to be the mummy.
I get to grab people.

Wonderful.

Well, I think that combined with the things
that I just bought from the novelty store

and what you already
have, we are going to have to

open this house up to
the public and charge.

What'd you get?

Here it is.

[making silly noises]

They're not very big, Dad.

You don't want it too big, because
then, the people will know that it's fake.

[making silly noises]

What else did you get?

Okay.

Stand back now.

You ready?

Let's say that you're walking
down a dark street, right?

♪♪ [humming ominous tune]

[making more silly noises]

[sputtering]

Waggy, waggy, waggy.

Ooh, wag, wag, wag.

Waggity, waggity.

Let's see what else
you've got here, Dad.

Hey!

Wow, now this is
great. A power drill.

We could really scare
kids with this one.

Oh, wow! Wow!

That's not for you. The
power drill is for me.

This is mine.

You people are sickos.

Dad, they used a power
drill in Psycho Summer Camp.

I don't care where they use
it! You people need some help!

[doorbell chimes]

Come on, you
guys, let's get ready.

Ha, ha, ha.

Be right with you.

Ah.

How you doing, Beth?

How you doing,
Jeff? Hey, neighbor.

All right.

One skeleton reporting for duty.

And a beautiful-looking
skeleton it is.

And what do you
have in the bowl?

Something for the haunted house.

Say what it is, dear.

Brains! Wanna touch?

Well, brains! My goodness!

Now, did you buy
these or was it a gift?

Neither. They're
really wet noodles.

Oh! Wet noodles!

Ugh!

Now, I have
something for you, too.

Try this out for size.
Now prepare yourself.

[making silly noises] [giggling]

Very funny, Dr. Huxtable.

Uh, Rudy and the others
are down in the basement

if you'd like to go down there.

Okay. Bye, Dad.

Okay, have fun.

Happy haunting.

I can't believe it, man.

In my day, one
of these pulled out

and dangled, and
everybody in the house

went out the window.

When I was a kid, I used to go to see
these horror movies with Boris Karloff.

If they put up just one shadow and
played some of that eerie violin music,

I'd be terrified!

And let alone the bass music.

♪♪ [humming eerily]

♪♪ [hits an
abrupt dramatic note]

[laughing]

That gave me the shivers.

Want to take these
home, scare your wife?

[laughs] That's great!

That would be great. Great!

Yeah. Oh, it's
that time of year.

[laughing]

Say, now there's just one more
thing I want to take before I go.

Your drill.

Yeah, because I'm finally gonna
put up that bird feeder in the backyard.

You're gonna
need a drill for that,

and I think I have
it in my tool chest.

[affecting British accent] And I'm
sorry to have kept it so long, sir.

[affecting British accent]
Don't mention it, my dear fellow.

[chuckles]

- Oh, it's a great drill, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.

How'd you like that
variable speed action?

Fantastic.

And that non-slip handle?

Loved it.

Nice tool box.

Yes, it has three
different trays.

- Fabulous.
- Yeah.

You have a secret
drawer there? It's, uh...

[laughs] No. No, no, no.

It... It isn't here...

But I think wherever
my last project was,

that's where... Follow me.

See, I was working on
some stuff in the kitchen

and I think it's
under the sink here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I bet it's just hiding because
it knows I have work for it.

[guffawing]

Yeah, see, this was my last
project here I was working on.

What do you think of this?
These brackets, your drill.

- It's beautiful.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Would you like
something to drink?

No, that's okay.

I'm just gonna take my
drill and then I'll get going.

Okay, fine.

Now, I know that
it's here somewhere,

because, you know, a
drill just can't walk by itself.

Well, you know, this particular
drill does do almost everything.

[laughing]

Uh-huh. Just look in here.

[Jeffrey] Is that it?

[Cliff] Uh, no.
No, that's not it.

What's that over there?

Darkness.

Look, you don't need me
breathing down your neck here.

Uh, I have to go to the
hardware store anyway,

so why don't I just
come back around 5:00?

Okay, and then I'll
have it polished for you.

- Fantastic.
- Yeah.

Good, good.

Okay, I'll let myself out.

- All right.
- See you later!

Waggy, waggy!

Oh, shoot.

[exasperated sputter] Hi.

- Hey.
- Whatcha looking for?

Uh... [incredulous laugh]

I'm looking for
the drill. His drill.

[chuckling] You can't find it?

Uh, I... I can find it; I
just don't know where it is.

Ah, see, Cliff, that's what
I was talking about earlier.

If you weren't doing
so many things at once,

you'd be focused and
you'd know where the drill is.

I know where it is.

- Where is it?
- It's... It's where I put it.

Where did you put it?

Where it is.

Okay, you guys, come on.

Now remember, we want this to
sound like a haunted house, all right?

Okay. Mm-hmm.

All right. The
microphone is right here.

[all making eerie wind sounds]

[laughing maniacally]

[cackling]

[howling]

[spooky moaning]

[screaming] [chains rattling]

All right, you guys,
that was pretty good.

But this time, let's do it again,
and let's put our hearts in it, okay?

[All] Okay.

[Cliff] Hey, you
guys down there?

It's Dad. Let's get him!

Yeah! Come on, come on.

[sound effects tape plays]

[eerie wind]

[man laughing maniacally]

[cackling]

[howling]

[girl screaming]

[man laughing]

[spooky moans]

[all moaning]

[moaning] [rasping]

[children giggling]

[chuckling]

We got you, Dad.

Yes, yes, yes, you got
me. You got me good.

Now, I'm looking
for an old power drill.

- Is it my Daddy's drill?
- Yes.

Did you lose it?

No, I... I didn't lose it.

Uh, it's just misplaced.

Do you want us to
help you look for it?

Yes, it's about this size, it's
gray, and there's a box of drill bits.

Okay. Okay. Thank you.

My Daddy really
likes that drill.

Yes, he has every right to.

He keeps it in a special
drawer marked "drill."

Thank you, that's
a very good idea.

I think it was my grandpa's.

He gave it to my
dad before he died.

Mm-hmm.

I guess the drill drawer
will be empty now.

Yeah, um, why don't you go
over and check on your noodles?

Okay. Yeah.

Hey, Dad, look at this. I
found my old baseball cleats.

I was looking for
these for a long time.

Yes, I am so happy for you, but I'd
like you to concentrate on the drill.

Okay, right. Thank you.

Where'd you last use it?

I don't... I don't remember.

You don't remember when
you used a big power drill?

Son, that's not the issue.

The issue is to find the drill.

Okay. Thank you.

[sighs]

It's not by the noodles.

Yeah, okay.

- Dr. Huxtable?
- Yes, ma'am.

If you don't find it,
are you gonna cry?

No.

No, no, no, I won't.

I bet my dad will.

[sighs]

You still haven't found it?

No.

Are you gonna keep looking?

I am looking.

I'm at that age where I'm just thinking
about the places I've already looked,

because I'm not going
back there anymore.

Why not? Because...

I would be embarrassed if I went back
and saw it someplace I had already looked.

I've been everywhere you've
been and I haven't found it either.

You're at that age,
too. Come sit down.

[chuckling] [doorbell chimes]

It's 5:00, Cliff.

And that's Jeffrey.

Honey, why don't you
just tell him what happened.

So you made a mistake.

So what?

Everybody makes mistakes.

He's gonna understand because
he's your friend and he's a nice person.

And he likes you.

Now why would a drill
be in my makeup kit?

I don't know what you
use to put that stuff on.

Hey.

How you doing?

Okay.

How was the hardware store?

It was great; I got some
three-quarter inch dowels

and I got some wood putty.

Now all I need is my
drill and I'm all set.

- Uh, Jeffrey?
- Yeah?

- I can't give you your drill.
- Why not?

I lost it.

What do you mean?

I've looked all over
this house three times.

My wife looked, the children
looked, Beth looked, and we just, uh...

It's gone.

Did you lend it to someone?

No!

It's just gone.

It's gone?

And I'm sorry. I... I really am.

I'm... I just feel
terrible about it.

Wow, I don't feel
so good myself.

I think I'm gonna sit down.

I mean, I'll get over it.
It's... It's not a big deal.

It's just a drill.

It's a piece of metal
with a motor in it.

See, it was my father's drill.

And so, it has a lot of
sentimental value to me.

I mean, every time I used that drill, it
was as if I could smell my father's pipe.

Uh, don't... don't go anywhere.

I'll... I'll be right back.

There you are!

There you are!

That's not my drill.

No, of course not.

This is a new one!

This is the one that I bought.

This is my drill.

There you go.

See, I... I'm just trying
to understand this.

How can you lose
something like a drill?

I mean, it's not like
a button or a peanut.

This is a major
electrical appliance.

I mean, I was just
saying to Bridget,

"If there is one
man on this earth

"who I could trust
with my drill, it's Cliff!

He delivered our children."

And it wasn't cheap either.

You know, my father said to me,
"If you lend something to someone,

"watch them while
they're using it.

And when they're finished
with it, take it back."

I wish I'd listened to him.

I don't know. What can I say?

I'm never gonna lend
you anything again.

I understand.

Oh, and by the way...
don't lose my daughter.

[sighs]

I want to thank you.

Yes?

[mockingly] "Eh?"

You said he'd understand.

That's right. [scoffs]

I said to the man, "I don't have
it, I lost it, we looked three times."

The man sat there and told me

that I overcharged him
for delivering his babies.

I bought a brand new drill,
which is ten times better than his.

That drill that I offered
him, compared to his drill...

His drill is a woodpecker.

Cliff, you can understand
why he's so angry.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you can.

All I'll say is Edward Bolton.

No, it's not the same thing.

The only difference
is you lost a drill,

Eddie lost your portable
barbecue on a camping trip.

And that barbecue
was very, very special.

You got that right.

The thing was so old, you
had to line it with aluminum foil

to keep the coals
from falling out.

Mm-hmm.

And then, when we bought you a
new barbecue, complete with rotisserie,

you opened the front door
and threw the thing out.

That was the saddest
display I've ever seen.

And it would've gone farther if
I hadn't hit my own car with it.

But, you know,
you're not perfect.

- I beg your pardon?
- Huh?

Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I ask you to look at my wife

and ask her about...
Judith Harwood!

Wah!

My wife and Judith
Harwood were just like this.

All day on the phone,
and "dear" and "child"

and "don't you know,"
and "yes, and I'll be there."

That's how tight these two were.

Well, Dame Judith,
one day, got the flu.

My wife rushed downstairs
and cooked a meal for her

and put the food into
these plastic containers,

which must cost
every bit of about $4.13.

And for the next six
months harassed Judith

until Judith had to
go see a psychiatrist.

And finally, Judith sent over

new plastic containers
worth about $37.

My wife took the containers,
put them in the driveway,

backed her car up,
rolled over them,

went forward, rolled
over them forward,

and then put them in a
box and wrapped them,

and sent them back
to Judith Harwood.

Ladies and gentlemen, I
ask you, is this woman guilty?

- Yes, I'm guilty.
- Ha!

But there is no reason
for your friendship

with Jeffrey to end
over a thing like this.

You know what you should do?

You should wait until Christmas and
buy him a new drill and make it a gift.

Christmas. Christmas.

Christmas, that's it. That's it!

Now what is wrong with you?

Cliff?

Cliff?

[affecting fanfare]

Now... Ha ha!
Now, Jeffrey's drill.

That is correct. You
said "Christmas."

I remembered I was
hiding this from the children

so they wouldn't
fool around with it.

So I put it in this box,

knowing how they hate to
put up the Christmas lights.

I wrote "Christmas lights"
on it so this box would repel.

[triumphant laugh] [chuckling]

And be gone.

So now I got it. Ta da!

I'm so smart, I'm
smarter than me!

[laughing]

Yes, you are.

- And I'm happy for you.
- Thank you.

But... Huh?

There's a lesson to
be learned in all of this.

Oh, Lord.

"But there's a lesson to
be learned in all of this."

When you hide things from other people,
you are really hiding it from yourself,

because at your age,
your memory can't take it.

[laughing] [knocking at door]

Come in.

[Both] Pedro.

[spooky voice] Ah, you've come

for the haunted house.

[Cliff] Yes.

This way.

Have a good time, Peter.

Entrez vous.

Au revoir.

- Clair?
- Yes?

There's a man on this block who's been
suffering a long time because of a loss.

I am going to relieve
that suffering right now.

[cackling]

[howling]

[girl screaming]

[doorbell chimes]

Oh, it's you.

Jeffrey, prepare to
be my friend again.

Your drill!

My drill! That's right.

And... the drill bits.

- My bits!
- Ha ha!

Cliff, you are a saintly man.

All right. Wow. [chuckling]

All I needed was a little time to just
think about where it was, that's all.

You know, I owe you an apology
for the way I talked to you back there.

Yeah, you were a
little rough on me.

I can just be a
maniac sometimes.

Say, now I've got
something for you.

Oh, really?

You're giving me an umbrella?

I'm returning it.

Now, you know, when I came
home and told Bridget this story,

she said, "Well, I hope
you didn't explode too big,

"because that's Cliff's
umbrella sitting over there

and you borrowed
it over a year ago."

Well, I guess we're...
We're at that age.

I know. Mm.

It's a wonder we don't
forget our own names.

Yeah, well, no,
that's no problem

because our wives keep
calling us that, you know?

Well, I'll see you later, Barry.

Okay, Fred.

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♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [humming]

The Cosby Show was taped
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