The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 20 - Trust Me - full transcript

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Claire, I've been on
my feet for 18 hours.

I delivered so many
babies, after a while,

the babies I delivered
started having babies.

I want you to feel sorry for me.

- Oh, I can't. I'm too tired.
- No. You have to. You have to.

You know, you haven't
had a day off in three weeks.

22 days.

- Poor thing. - Mm-hm... Ick.

Hey! Put the baby here.



- Oh, Cliff.
- I'm sorry.

No, now that's it. You should
take some time off, right away.

I-I will. But I still have
some things to do.

I got too much work.

Well, you don't have
patients coming in the office.

No, but what I'm saying
is, I've got paperwork to do.

- Paperwork, dear.
- Oh, paperwork can take care of itself.

Not really.

Are you on call at the hospital?

Yeah.

I got two days I have to serve.

Oh, go on. Get undressed.

- Now what about Dr. Daly?
- Huh?

Well, honey, doesn't
he owe you some time



from those days when
you covered for him?

- Mm-hm.
- Well, then, why don't you call him up

and tell him to cover for you
for the next couple of days?

Don't go in the office,
honey. Don't do anything.

Just take a mini-vacation.

Yeah? What am I gonna do?

You're not gonna do anything.

You're going to
stay home and relax.

So what are... what are
the children going to do?

I'll talk to the children.

Can I eat what I want?

Yes. All diets are off.

And... and I don't
have to shave?

- Nope.
- And I don't have to shower!

Well, now, you
do have to shower.

But you could use my bubbles.
You could take a bubble shower.

- Really?
- Yes.

Yippee...
- I'm on vacation!
- Yes.

And if you like, I could
give you a bon voyage party.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

I'll... I'll be the ocean liner,
and you'll be the tug boat?

Okay. Then we'll dock together.

Good morning, Theo.

Hey, Vanessa. Listen to this.

Five bedroom, two bathroom
condo on the beach in Honolulu.

Ha! And it only
goes for $249,000.

This is just what
I'm lookin' for!

Right, Theo. You have
$249,000 to buy a condo with.

No. Not by myself.

You see, I formed a partnership

with 23 other guys at school.

So we're gonna put together all the
money we earn on our summer vacation,

and buy a fabulous
place to share.

You're gonna share five
rooms with 23 other guys?

Hey. These aren't
just 23 other guys.

These are my 23 best friends.

Vanessa? Can I
ask you something?

Sure, Rudy. What is it?

Well, Kenny told me
a riddle yesterday.

And I can't figure it out.

Wait a minute, Rudy.
Why'd you go to Vanessa?

How come you couldn't
come to me with the riddle?

Because Vanessa's smarter.

Thank you, Rudy.

So what's the riddle?

Okay. I have two American coins

that add up to 30 cents.

And one of them is not a nickel.

How do you explain this?

Okay. Two American coins

that add up to 30 cents,

and one of them isn't a nickel.

Are you sure you
got the riddle right?

That's what Kenny said.

Two coins that
add up to 30 cents.

One is not a nickel.

Two American coins, at 30 cents.

And one of them is not a nickel.

Rudy, it just can't be!

Kenny must be
trying to trick you.

Oh, of course! Ha!
I just figured it out!

Oh, stop it, Theo. You did not.

Well, maybe you'd
like to make a bet

on whether or not
I know the answer?

What do you wanna bet?

If I know the answer, you and Rudy
can make my bed tomorrow morning.

Hey, if you know the answer,
I'll make up your bed for a week.

- Me, too.
- You're on.

Now the question
is, how can two coins

add up to 30 cents, when
one of them is not a nickel.

You have a quarter.
Have a nickel.

30 cents. Ha ha ha.

Wait a minute.

- This is a nickel.
- Right.

The riddle said one
of them is not a nickel.

This is a quarter. This
is not a nickel! Ha ha ha!

Good morning, good morning...

Dad! Theo cheated us on a bet!

Yeah, he cheated us bad!

Hey, Dad, don't listen to 'em.
They lost, and now they're whining.

We are not whining!

Well, I have an
announcement to make.

I'm on vacation in this
house for the next two days.

Yeah, Mom told us.

Go to school
today. Find a friend.

Say to your friend, "May I
stay with you for two days?"

Okay? And if they say
no, offer 'em money.

- Come in.
- Mrs. Huxtable?

You'll never guess who's in the
reception area, waiting to see you.

- Who?
- Diane Hemmings.

You know, the reporter who
interviews all those celebrities on TV?

Oh, great! Send her in.

Is she doing a story on you?

No. She's just a good friend.

I love Diane Hemmings.
I watch her all the time.

Would you like for me to
get her autograph for you?

I already did.

Mrs. Hemmings?

- Hi, Diane.
- Hey, Claire.

Your secretary told me
you have a client coming in,

so I'll only stay a minute.

Oh, but I'm so glad you came!

I saw that interview you
did with Paul Newman.

Oh, yeah. It was
an interesting day.

Have you lost your senses?

The man takes you on a
ride in one of his race cars,

and all you can is, it
was an interesting day?

I'm sorry, Claire. I'm really not
feeling too enthusiastic right now.

- I'm sorry. Have a seat.
- Oh.

- What's the matter?

Well, Richard and I
are having troubles.

He's accusing me
of being unfaithful.

Oh, silly man.

Does he have
reason to believe this?

Claire, I love Richard. And
I'm sure that he loves me.

Well, then where is he
getting these ideas from?

Well, when I go off on these
trips to interview celebrities,

it gets him crazy.

What do you mean?

While I'm packing, he
goes through my suitcase,

pulls out a dress, and says,
"Why are you taking this?

"You don't need
a dress this sexy."

Oh, but when he does these
things, he isn't serious, is he?

Oh, very. And
that's not all he does.

When I'm on the road, he calls my
hotel room at three in the morning,

to see if I'm there. Then he
makes me hold the phone in the air,

so he can hear if there's anyone
else in the room, breathing.

Oh, get out.

Claire, I can't spend the rest of my life
trying to convince Richard that I love him,

when he doesn't trust me.

Have you asked him to
see a marriage counselor?

Many times.

Did you come here
for legal reasons?

Sort of. I'm thinking
of getting out.

And here, the temperatures

around the northwest
area are paltry.

Tacoma, 59.
Portland, a breezy 63.

Seattle, 52 and cloudy.

I took this job as rent
collector, not as a target.

Don't worry. They can't
hold out much longer.

- Hi, Cliff.
- Hey!

Cliff!

I'm on vacation.
I'm on vacation!

- Mmm...
- Mmm...

Diane Hemmings came to
the office to see me today.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

She came because she
heard I was on vacation,

and she wanted to interview

a suave, handsome doctor.

No. She and Richard
might be splitting up.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

I told 'em to come
by my office tomorrow,

so we could sit down
and talk about it as friends?

- What's the problem?
- The problem is, is that Richard

is so insecure, he doesn't trust
Diane interviewing famous celebrities.

Yeah, well she does hang out
with some good-looking guys.

Cliff, I can't believe
you said that.

Can't believe I said what?

Well, you're saying that
because a women, in her business,

comes in contact
with attractive men,

her husband has a
right to be suspicious.

No, I didn't say that the husband
had a right to be suspicious.

Well, what did you say?

I'm saying that if...

a man had a very
attractive wife,

uh, such as I do,

and this wife was known
to have to associate

with some very handsome men,

that these handsome
men just might have

a certain thing in mind.

I'm saying he may think

that they have that in mind,

and that she might not mind

what they have in mind.

Cliff, if I had

a handsome movie
star as a client...

- Mm-hmm...
- Would you trust me?

Of course, dear.

If I went out to dinner with him and
wore a sexy dress, would you trust me?

Well, first of all, see,
I don't understand

why you have to
have a sexy dress.

I don't... a sexy, you see...

I mean, I just don't
understand the sexy dress.

Okay, let's just say that the rest
of the dresses are at the cleaners.

- Would you trust me?
- Of course I would trust you, dear.

I'd trust you
because I love you,

and, uh, I always
have, and I always will.

What if I took a business
trip with this man,

and ended up staying at the
handsome actor's house overnight?

Well, see, there's
where you're wrong,

because there's no
reason for a lawyer

to stay at the client's
home. Ha ha ha!

Okay. Let's say that the files
that I have to study for the case

are in this handsome
man's house,

and so I have to go there and
stay overnight, in this sexy dress.

- Wait a second.
- Would you trust me?

I'm on vacation.

Come on, Cliff.
Answer the question.

You would trust me,
now, wouldn't you?

Of course I would
trust you, dear.

Of course I would.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hmm.

But let's just say that
while you're out there,

with the sexy man,

and you're going
through his files,

and I'm sitting
here on vacation,

and the TV set breaks down.

And the people send over

a young, gorgeous
lady to fix the set.

- How young?
- Oh, 19. Firm and fully packed.

A child.

Yes. And, and, and let's say

that I'm sitting here,
waiting for her to fix the set,

and she says, "Doctor Huxtable,

"I'm sorry, but I cannot

"really fix this set unless
I take all my clothes off."

Would you trust me?

Honey, that's couldn't
happen. That's a new TV set.

It's not gonna break.

No, no. Same way
that the man's files

were all in his house,

and you didn't have a hotel to
go to in that town that you're in,

is the same way this
woman took her clothes off,

the same way that
the TV set broke down,

and my question is,
would you trust me?

There are children
in this house.

Uh-uh! Children went
to the all-night library.

No, see. The children would
not go to an all-night library.

Ha ha ha! If I
send 'em, they will.

In this first place, I
did not spend the night

at a handsome movie
star's house, okay?

- Mm-hm.
- So in the second place,

you can just forget about your little
strumpet, Miss TV Repair Person,

coming up in through
here with no clothes on.

Not in my house, in front
of my TV and my children.

Oh, no.

And let the record show...

Oh, no. The record's showing.

The only person I'd ever
wear a sexy dress for is you.

Thank you. Thank
you very much, dear.

And there will be

no 19-year-old comin' in here,

fixin' the TV set.

And no 23-year-old.

Or 32-year-old.

And no 45-year-old.

Oh, Janet. That's a
good one. Thanks.

I'll call you back and let you
know how it turns out, okay?

Okay, bye.

Rudy, Janet just gave me a
riddle that Theo will never guess.

We're gonna win our bet back.

- What's the riddle?
- Okay. Pay attention.

If a plane crashed
right on the border

between the United
States and Canada,

where would you
bury the survivors?

I don't know. Where?

Nowhere! You
don't bury survivors!

Ha! Perfect!

I don't get it.

Rudy? Survivors are alive.

Oh, that's perfect!

Still don't get it.

Hey, don't anybody go
out into the living room.

Dad's playin' badminton.

Theo, how'd you like to go
double or nothing on our bet?

Why not? Just means you'd have
to make my bed for two weeks.

And if you lose, we don't
have to make your bed at all.

Yeah, and you're
gonna lose, Jack!

Well, you two seem
pretty confident,

so take your best shot.

Okay. This is a riddle.

If a plane crashed right on the border
between the United States and Canada,

so that half the plane
landed in the United States

and half the plane
landed in Canada,

where would you
bury the survivors?

Let's see. The plane crashes halfway
between Canada and the United States.

- Right.
- What nationality is the pilot?

- American.
- Where'd the luggage land?

Half in Canada, half
in the United States!

Well, I think I got the answer.

What's the answer?

Well, I'd have to say that

you would bury the survivors...

nowhere, because
you can't bury survivors.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha! In your face, Jack!

How did you get that?

Vanessa, that has got to be
the oldest riddle in the book.

That's no fair.
You heard it before.

Hey, hey. All that
counts is that I got it right.

And that I now have
two weeks of bed-making,

by my own personal valets.

Oh, yeah, and ladies?

I like my pillows extra-fluffed.

Ha ha! Hoo!

- Come in.
- Mrs. Huxtable?

Diane Hemmings is here,
and there's a man with her.

- That's her husband.
- Really?

If you don't mind me saying so,

they don't seem to be
getting along very well.

I'm not surprised.

I guess it wouldn't be any of
my business to ask what's wrong.

What do you think?

I guess not. That's okay!

I'll just read about it
in the gossip columns.

Mr. and Mrs. Hemming?

You can go in now.

- Hi, Diane.
- Hello, Claire.

- Hello, Claire.
- Hello, Richard! How are you?

Well, I'm all right.

- Come in and have a seat.
- Thank you.

- May I offer you tea?
- Uh, no, thank you.

Well. Now. It's, uh,
certainly good to see you.

You and I have always
gotten along, Claire.

And because this was your
idea, I was willing to give it a shot.

Well, thank you. Now
what is wrong with you two?

Well, I think it's
pretty simple.

Diane goes on these trips.
She's gone for three or four days.

She's at these exotic places,

with all kinds of glitzy
people, and I'm home alone.

So you feel lonely?

No, no. I can handle
being by myself.

It's just that I miss Diane.

And when she comes
home, she's so exhausted

she goes straight into the
bedroom and falls asleep.

Well, that's not true, Richard.

I try to talk to you,

but you just walk
around sulking.

Sulking? Now
wait. Wait a minute.

Richard, doesn't it occur to you

that when Diane's away,
she's missing you, too?

No! No, I turn on the television,
and there she is with some movie star,

laughing and smiling. She
doesn't look very unhappy to me.

I'm on television. It's
an entertainment show.

How would it look if was
talking to Paul Newman,

and the camera cut back
to me, and I burst into tears?

At least it would look like
she missed her husband.

You see, Claire, Richard doesn't
understand what I do for a living.

Look, I understand plenty!

You hang around with people
who are part of a fast crowd.

Who jump in and out
of each other's hot tubs,

and change wedding rings
like most people change shoes!

What are you basing this one?

Come on. Everybody
knows about these people.

- They do?
- Yes.

- Like who?
- Well, everybody I work with!

- Who?
- Well, like... Roy!

He reads the Enquirer
and the Globe, and he...

He shows me these articles.

So Roy is your reliable source?

Yes. He showed me an article on
that guy you interviewed last month.

That guy on the...
the soap opera.

Did you know that he
once spent a weekend

at his beach house with the
wives of three of his co-stars?

When Roy saw her
on TV with this guy,

I mean, he told everybody at the
office. They teased me about it for a week!

Why do you think that I'd
want to be with a man like that?

Why? I can't offer
you half of what he has.

He's got a beach house.
He's got, uh, limousines.

A tennis court.
He... look at him.

He looks at least 10
years younger than me.

That's because he spent
over $20,000 on plastic surgery.

Really?

Roy never told me that.

Richard, I've known
you a long time,

and I've never
seen you like this.

You seem so insecure.

- What, I do?
- Yes. You do.

Richard, our marriage is full
of so many wonderful things.

Why do you think I would want to
jeopardize it all, to be with another man?

- I don't know.
- I would be miserable without you.

I'd be miserable
without you, too.

What do I have to do to
convince you that I love you?

Because whatever
it is, I'll do it.

I'll do whatever I can, too.

Will you go with me
to talk to somebody?

Okay.

I think the first person
you need to talk to is Roy.

♪

♪ Hey loka hey hi ♪

♪ Hey loki hi hi ♪

- Dad?
- ♪ Hi loki hi ♪

Dad, you have got to hear this.

Oh, no, no. I'm
still on vacation!

But it's 6:00!

Yeah, Dad! You said your
vacation was gonna be over at 6!

No, no, no, no, no. It is
5:58 and some change.

I still have a minute and
30-some seconds left.

Now just buzz.

♪ Hi-dee likey hi hi ♪

♪ Hi loki hi hi ♪

♪ Hi ♪

Hey! How ya doin', dear?

I'm fine!

I still have a minute and 12
seconds left on my vacation.

- Wanna place some shuffleboard?
- No.

Aw, come on. You
could do somethin'.

So how'd your meeting
go today with Diane?

Oh, it was great. I think she
and Richard are gonna work it out.

Well, good. And just
for being a good person,

you deserve a little treat.

Here. Why don't you
go ahead, play with that.

- Well, thank you!
- Yes. Now play,

♪ Hi loki hi hi ♪

♪ Hi loki hi hi... ♪

- Hey, Mom.
- Hi!

Dad? We've called
for the correct time,

and it is now exactly 6:00.

So your vacation is over.

And now you can hear
what we wanted to tell you.

Okay. What is it?

Well, we heard this riddle
on this TV show this morning?

- Mm-hmm.
- So we told it to Theo.

He couldn't get it. And
we won our bet back.

We faked him out good.

Congratulations.

- Nobody can get this one.
- Yeah.

Really? Just a minute, now.

Just a minute, now,
because you all happen to be

talking about the riddle wizard.

The riddles go in, but
they don't come out.

Well, if you're
the riddle wizard,

maybe you'd like to make a
bet with Vanessa and Rudy.

Yeah, Dad!

If you can't get the answer,

you have to make our
beds for two weeks.

That's no problem. And
what do I get if I win?

- A kiss.
- Oh, wonderful.

No, no. Please don't
take my bubble thing.

Here goes. A certain Mr. Smith and
his son, Arthur, were driving in a car.

Mr. Smith and his son,
Arthur, driving in the car.

Mm-hm. The car crashes.

Mr. Smith is killed instantly.

And his son, Arthur, is
rushed to a local hospital.

- Mm-hm.
- The old surgeon says,

"I can't operate on him.
He's my son, Arthur."

Explain that.

Say it again.

Mr. Smith and his son,
Arthur, were driving in a car.

The car crashes,
and Mr. Smith dies.

Arthur is rushed to a hospital,
and the old surgeon says,

"I can't operate on him.
He's my son, Arthur."

It's simple.

The boy's adopted.

No, it was Mr. Smith's real son.

Ah, ha ha! Yeah.

The old surgeon was
afraid of a law suit,

so he lied and
said that's his son.

Wrong!

Do you give up, riddle wizard?

I give up. I give up.

Yeah! We win two weeks of
having our beds made by Dad.

Okay, now wait! Wait!
Wait! What's... huh?

I like my pillows extra-fluffed.

Understood. But what is
the answer to the riddle?

What is the ans...?

I'm so disappointed
in you, Cliff.

Here I am, thinking that you
believe men and women are equal,

and it never once
crossed your mind

that the old surgeon
was Arthur's mother.

Yeah, but you know why?

You know why?
No, I'm serious, now.

The reason why, because
if you take a female doctor

and call her an old surgeon,

she would tear you
apart for calling her that.

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