The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 19 - Petanque - full transcript

♪♪

♪♪

Come in.

Theo?

Hi.

I hate to disturb you, dear, but you left
your calculus book on the kitchen table.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Okay, I'll just put
it on your desk.

- Whoa.
- I'm sorry, I'll get them.

Okay, thanks.

What is this?



Car and Woman
Magazine? What is this?

Whoa, hey, hey, Mom, Mom.

That's no big
deal. I-I'll take that.

If you don't mind, I'd like
to have a look at it first.

Really, it's nothing
that would interest you.

Just a bunch of cars in there.

It seems to me that there's
a lot more than cars in here.

On every page, there's some
woman draped on top of an automobile.

This is obscene.

No, Mom, it's not.

All the women are dressed.

What about the woman in the
back seat of the convertible?

She has on a bikini.

I don't see any bikini.



No, Mom, it's there.

See, it's tiny so when
the car goes fast,

it cuts down on the wind drag.

What are you doing
with this magazine?

I like to read the articles.

Which articles were you reading?

Um... let's see.

Um... Here we go, right here.

The one on the V8 engine.

Oh, this one, with this woman
Tammy leaning across the engine.

Oh, I didn't even
see Tammy there.

Well, precious, what's
wrong with your eyesight?

How could you not see this
woman who is hiding half the engine?

Theo, this magazine is
demeaning to women.

No, Mom, it's not.

This magazine makes
women look great.

And it shows that they can
be mechanically inclined.

I see.

So this woman Tammy, this is the
kind of woman you want to end up with?

No, I would like to... to
date a few girls like Tammy.

But later on, I'd like to settle
down with someone like you.

Really? What am I like?

You're smart.

You make a lot of money,
and you look good for your age.

If those are the kind
of lines that you use,

you're gonna need every
car in that magazine.

Now, you get rid of this thing.

And any magazine like this
that you may have in here.

Yes, Mom.

Thank you.

Say goodbye to Tammy.

No, Nicole, I insist.

Don't bring a thing.

You made dinner
for us last time.

Okay, I'll see you Sunday.

Bye.

What's happening?

I just invited Nicole and James
Harmon over for dinner Sunday.

James Harmon is coming.

All right.

Where are you going?

I'm going down to get the rake
and smooth out the pétanque court.

It is 32 degrees outside.

I don't want you playing that bocce
ball foolishness on Sunday now.

First of all, it's not bocce
ball, dear. It's called pétanque.

Pétanque, you understand?

I don't care what you call it.

All I know is that
you and Dr. Harmon

get out in that backyard,

you put the little steel ball in your
hand, and something goes to your brain.

And then two grown,
intelligent men...

Doctors... start
acting like juveniles.

I wish your patients could see
how you two argue over a little ball.

See, that's why you
don't know anything.

See, it's not
arguing, it's a debate.

- Debate?
- Debate.

The last time, you debated so
loudly, our neighbors called the police.

And what happened?

The police came, right?

Went out there and James
and I explained the game,

and the next thing you know,
they were out there playing with us.

And the sergeant came in here,
and we... and he was playing,

with nobody at
the police station.

Now, just promise me,
just this once, honey,

that we can have a... We can
have a nice, relaxed evening.

All right?

Where the men can come in
and eat their dinner and dessert

and drink some coffee and talk
to your wives about world issues.

Okay.

We'll eat early and talk fast.

Okay, Mom, I'm throwing
away the magazines.

Theo, are all of those Car
and Woman Magazines?

No, some of them
are Bikes and Babes.

Get them out.

Yes, Mom.

♪ I'm going to play pétanque ♪

♪ I'm going to play... ♪

Hey, Cliff, they're here!

Cliff, they're here!

Oh. Ha ha ha.

Hi.

Look who we brought with us.

Oh my goodness,
Lindy. How you doing?

Good.

Hi, James. Somebody's
been waiting for you.

Oh, really?

Cliff!

Lindy, I haven't
seen you in so long.

You have really grown.

That's the problem when you
go away to boarding school.

Whenever you come
home, everyone says,

"Gee, I haven't seen you
since you were this high."

Cliff!

What's the matter with you?

I want you to
see... Look at Lindy.

Oh, shucks.

Oh, shucks. How are you?

Hello.

Woo, shucks. My love.

Oh.

I guess there's no
one else standing here.

Not anybody I want to see.

What is that you have in
your hand, Dr. Huxtable?

It looks like to me something

that is going to humiliate
and defeat Dr. Harmon.

Ahhhh.

Oh, it's gonna be
one of those evenings.

No, don't worry, Nicole.
I've already talked to Cliff,

and he's promised me there will be
no playing of anything until after dinner.

Let's have dinner immediately.

No, let's eat dessert now.
Then we can go, Jack.

No, we will not.

You two come back
and sit down now.

We're going to make
ourselves comfortable

and enjoy a leisurely
evening of conversation.

So Lindy, how long
are you in town?

Only a couple of days.

The rest of the break,
I'll be in Portland, Oregon.

I'm going on an Outward
Bound expedition.

Ah, yes. Sit down.

Outward Bound, I
have heard of this.

It's supposed to be very tough.

Mmm, yeah. Last summer I went
kayaking off the coast of Maine.

In Oregon, I'll
be rock climbing.

Rock climbing.

It's about a foot shorter
than Mount Everest,

and they call it a rock.

Daddy.

Hi, everybody. Hi, Dr. Harmon.

Hi, Mrs. Harmon.

Hello, Theo.

Theo, do you remember
our daughter Lindy?

Hi, Theo.

Hi. I haven't seen
you since you were 13.

Yeah, they grow
up, don't they, Son?

If you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna check on the roast.

Hey, Mom, I'll... I'll help you.

You will?

Sure.

Mom, Mom, Lindy did
not look like that before.

Like what?

Mom, the girl's unbelievable.

Now, if I knew she was gonna look
like that, I would have dressed better.

Oh, so you dress according
to the way the girl looks?

Of course.

So if the girl were
not attractive,

you would come down in a
ripped T-shirt and dirty overalls?

No, no, Mom, come
on. I'm a gentleman.

Even if the girl was unattractive,
I would have worn a clean T-shirt.

I see.

You think maybe I could
borrow the keys to the good car

and maybe Lindy
and I can go for a spin?

Get some dessert?

I'll think about it.

Ha ha. Thanks, Mom.

Theo, I thought you came in
here to help me check on the roast.

Oh, right.

Smells good.

That was such a delicious
meal, Mrs. Huxtable.

Oh, thank you.

So dinner's over, right?

Can we play pétanque now?

No, dinner's not over.

We haven't had our coffee.

Make mine instant.

Right, and you don't
have to stir mine.

No.

Lindy, you're not going
to have dinner like this

when you go to Outward Bound.

No, I know.

I'll be eating freeze-dried
food on the side of a mountain.

So, Lindy, I hear you're
going to Oregon next week.

- Yeah.
- Are you driving?

No, no, it's too far
to drive. I'm gonna fly.

Oh, that's too bad.

'Cause I've always felt that
the best way to see this country

is in the car,
like in a Ferrari.

Why don't you show her your
Ferrari in the garage, Son?

Lindy, I don't have
a Ferrari for real.

But can't you just picture yourself
behind the wheel of one of those?

No.

How about lying on the hood?

Mom.

I think Theo really likes Lindy.

I think he loves her.

Would you two please
keep it down over there?

Lindy, how about you
and I go somewhere

and we can talk
about Outward Bound.

Sure, I've got a
pamphlet in the car.

Why don't you come
with me while I get it.

All right, let's go.

You know, I'd love to
hear about Outward Bound.

- Me, too.
- Stop right there, you two.

Theo will tell you about
Outward Bound later.

Go on up in our
room and watch TV.

Yeah, maybe there's
a love story on.

Maybe it's about
love in a Ferrari.

Yeah.

Thanks, Mom.

This has been a
very pleasant dinner,

and I have to say it's because
nobody was talking about that latanque.

Uh, no, that's not the correct
pronunciation. It's "tepanque."

Dear, it's "pé-tanque."

No, no, Cliff, Cliff.

The proper pronunciation
is "pé-tanque."

I guess you also
say "tom-ah-to."

Yes, I do.

Yeah.

Because that's the
civilized way to pronounce it.

Oh, I'm civilized.

Didn't I serve you po-tah-toes?

All right, now.

Save it for the game.

No, no, because it
doesn't make any difference

whether you pronounce it
"pétanque," "latanque," or "létatokitoki,"

it's how you play the
game. That's what counts.

And I, sir, know
how to play the game.

But you don't
know how to win it.

- I won the last time.
- Never.

Saying it loud
don't make it right.

My ball was closer
to the goal than your...

You've always had problems
with depth perception.

And you've always had a
problem with truth perception.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Well, the truth is, I can
beat you anyplace, anytime.

Well, the place is out
there, and the time is now.

I accept your challenge.

Let's go.

- I thought you said...
- I'm a see how tough you are.

Ah, all right.

How you like it?

Oh, good, good.

One official size
pétanque court.

And... now...

I will just draw
the circle here.

Uh-huh.

Ah ha. How's that?

Okay. All right.

Well, we'll play
to the point of 21.

And the best two out of three.

Agreed. Agreed.

Mm-hmm. All right.

My lucky hat.

It was given to me

by the pétanque
champion of Barcelona.

Well, after I send him
the results of this match,

he'll probably
put dog food in it.

You know, Cliff, Yeah?

In France, the best players
are men of retired age,

which gives you an advantage,

since you're so
much older than I am.

Well, with your
extra body weight,

I'm sure you'll be able to
push the ball through the...

Toss the ball, man.

All right. There's the court.

There's the toss.

Looks good to me. All right.

You throw the first
ball. No, no, I just...

No, no, no. You go.
No, I tossed the goal.

You go ahead first. Fine.

Okay.

Ah, boy.

Want to make sure I
have enough room to throw.

Well, you think that's wise?

'Cause it's 22 degrees out here.

Are you afraid
of a little frost?

Can't you stand the cold? Hmm?

Now, you should see this.

These men have
taken off their jackets.

Cliff is in his t-shirt,

and James has rolled up his
sleeves all the way to the biceps.

Now you know what's
coming next, don't you?

Definitely. Any man who strips
down to his shirt to do something

is gonna ask his woman
to come out and watch it.

Why do these men want
us to look at these muscles

that they don't have anymore?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Ladies, we have just
finished practicing.

Why don't you come outside

so you can see the
first toss of the game?

Maybe later.

Why don't you get
started without us?

But it's going to be
a tremendous game.

Perhaps the game of the century.

Sweetheart, you can go out or
come in, but please close that door.

Now see, if I pick this up,

I'm gonna have to spread with it,
because I'm picking it up from this...

Hey, Mom, guess what?

Lindy's gonna teach
me to climb rocks.

Oh, really? Where?

In the basement.

We're not actually
gonna make a climb,

I'm just gonna show Theo
some basic techniques.

So, is it okay?

Yeah, it's fine.

I just didn't know you
were into rock climbing.

Oh, Mom, come on.

You know I've
mentioned it several times.

That's right, you have.

And you have all those rock
climbing magazines in your room.

You know, I subscribe
to some of those.

Which ones do you read?

Theo likes Rock and Woman.

Come on. Let's go, Lindy.

Let's go.

Okay, it's all set.

Theo, I just wanted to show
you some basic techniques.

I didn't want us
to make a climb.

No, Lindy, I think I'm
ready for the real thing now.

All right.

Let me just make sure
these ropes are secure.

Look at this. It's pretty shaky.

No, Lindy, it's been
like that for years.

But it's always held up.

Now, let's get started.

All right. Now, let's
say this is a steep rock,

and we want to get to a
climber who's up there.

Hey, this is exciting.

You know, I almost feel like I'm
on top of a mountain right now.

It's so beautiful.

Theo, we're in the basement.

I know, but it's
still beautiful.

All right. Now first,
you have to secure

a safety rope around your waist.

All right? Like this.

I feel secure already.

I think you can handle
this on your own.

All right, now,
clip this in here.

Okay. Like that.

Make sure your
equipment is secure.

Check.

You know what? I
think I'm really beginning

to understand rock climbing.

To me it's kind of like a
relationship between two people.

Well, how's that?

First you have to
take it step by step.

And you have to put
a lot of care into it.

Until that beautiful moment,

when you plant your flag
at the top of the mountain.

Yeah, but a lot of men get killed
before they get to the top of the mountain.

Yeah, but I'm not
like those other guys.

In fact, I bet I can get to the
top of the banister with no trouble.

Theo, I haven't taught
you how to climb yet.

You don't have to.

I've soaked it in
just being near you.

Watch this.

Oh.

You know, if it's too
cold out here for you,

you can bow out gracefully.

Why should I bow out?

I'm ahead 20 to 19.

One point away
from sweet victory.

Well the only reason
why I say that is because...

you know, you were born
and raised in Trinidad.

And, uh, it's kind of hot
down there and, you know,

this cold weather'll get on
that skin of yours and dry it up.

You just might break
up into little pieces.

And I'll have to...

pick you up and spread
over your wife's flower bed.

With your aim, I might
end up on the roof.

I'm sorry, the only reason

why I was talking
through that whole thing

is because this is a
very important point.

And I know you're
under a lot of pressure!

Mon, I feel no pressure, mon.

Why, the only reason why
I'm still talking about this

is because that ball might be
gettin' a little heavy in your hand.

Man, the ball is as
light like a feather.

Uh-huh.

Ohhh!

That ball is kissing the goal.

Yeah, well, your ball is
going to kiss some dirt, here.

I got you!

Got what? Got what?

I got you. Got what?

I got you. Got what?

Oh, yes, look at
that. In your dreams!

No, I'm not dreaming.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, I got you.

Are you saying
that you are closer?

I'm saying that my ball...

Hey, hey! Whoa,
whoa, whoa, Cliff.

- Don't touch the ball.
- No, I'm not touching the ball.

Okay, okay. I'm
saying that your...

Don't touch the ball,
Cliff. I didn't touch the ball.

All right, what are you saying?

Look, are you saying... Yes?

That your ball,
which is this far away,

is closer than my ball,
which is this far away?

Are you saying that the
Statue of Liberty is this tall?

My friend, you're nearsighted,
shortsighted, farsighted, and hindsighted.

Okay. All right.
Then let's do this.

Why don't I get a
ruler and measure?

All right. Agreed.

I'll get my ruler. Oh!
No, no, no, no, no.

I don't trust your ruler.

I knew something like
this was going to happen.

I brought my own.

No, no, no, wait! Don't
touch a thing here.

No, no, no, no.
We'll use your ruler.

I'll go get my wife to
be an impartial judge.

No, no, no. We'll use
your ruler and my wife.

I'll tell you what.

No rulers. Why don't
we just use our wives?

- That's fine with me.
- All right, here we go.

And by the way, you owe
me $11.80 for the dinner.

Well, you owe me $15 for the
dinner you had at my house.

Why? Because you
served me to-mah-toes?

Nicole, honey, get your coat.

We need you to
judge who's the winner.

Yeah, and Clair, I want you to
come out and keep her honest.

Ooh, honey, please close that
door. We're not going anywhere.

We don't want to get involved.

But we can't declare the
winner unless you come out.

I have an idea.

Why don't you two
go back outside,

strip down to your undershorts,
and run around the block.

And whoever gets back
first can be the winner.

Obviously you all don't care
about the importance of this game.

They would have declared
me winner if they had come out.

Winner of cheating.

Ohhhh!

What happened here?

I fell from the banister.

Oh, Theo, are you all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, honey, what
were you doing?

Well, I was trying to show
Lindy that I can climb rocks.

Hey, Mom.

I could have been
seriously hurt.

Don't worry, Theo,
I'm an orthopedist.

If you're hurt, I
can patch you up.

You better keep
an eye on him, Son,

'cause he may look at your
scapula and bandage your face.

Theo, you're lucky your father
doesn't have to take care of you.

He'd just hold you by the ankles
and slap you on the bottom.

Theo, what made you think that
this banister could support a climb?

Oh, it wasn't a climb
that broke the banister.

It broke when Theo tried
to do a handstand on it.

It was a good handstand.

Now, this is nice to see.

Hi, Mrs. Harmon. I thought
you left a long time ago.

Well, we tried, but
the car wouldn't start.

Did you call the auto club?

No, your father and
my husband decided

that they wanted to get
the car started themselves.

They have managed to disconnect every
hose and wire connected to the engine.

You better get a mechanic over here
quick before they do some major damage.

Don't worry,
everything's under control.

Lindy just stepped in
and is fixing everything.

Lindy knows how to fix cars?

Yes, it's a hobby of hers.

Oh, oh, I'm impressed.

That's right, Son,
take a good look,

because this is the
picture you want to see.

See, now that young lady
is not draped over the hood.

She's underneath it working.

And note... note the
position of the men.

They are exactly
where they belong.

Sitting on the curb.

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