The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 4, Episode 2 - Theogate - full transcript

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Rudy, has Theo come home yet?

No.

Are we going to be
late for Vanessa's play?

We better not be.

I'll give him three more minutes,
then we got to leave without him.

Ah, my fine fellow
patrons of the arts,

are we ready for a rousing
evening of musical theatre?

- Yeah!
- All right.

Cliff, Theo isn't here yet.



Did you tell him to come straight
home after that cross-country meet?

Yeah, I told him 6:00, but
maybe the meet ran late.

Okay. Well, I'll write him a note to tell
him we left. We really should be going.

There you go.

- I can't wait to see Vanessa in a play.
- Ha ha!

We're going to whistle at
her when we see her on stage.

No, no, you can't whistle,
please. Sit down, all three of you.

Let me tell you something
about when you go to the theatre.

You must comport yourself
in the proper manner.

Do you understand?

You sit like this
at the theatre.

Yes, relax a little. That's it.

And when we see
something we like,

we don't whistle, we
don't stamp our feet,



we applaud... like this...

and we say, " Bravo."

Bravo.

And "Fantastic."

Fantastic.

"Marvelous."

Marvelous.

"I say."

I say.

Okay, Cliff, I
finished the note.

- Hi.
- Theo, why are you so late?

I'm sorry. We had trouble
coming home from the track meet.

Yeah, it was a mess.

We were about to
leave you. Let's go.

Okay.

No, wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?

Your mother said we're leaving.

Yeah, but can't we get
something to eat first?

Doesn't the coach take the whole
team to Circus Burger after every meet?

- Yeah, but we're still hungry.
- Starved.

All right, you've got five seconds
to grab something out of there

that you can have in
the car, and then let's go.

And I'm counting. One...

Now, how can those boys just come
from Circus Burger and still be hungry?

Dear, you run two
and a half miles,

you need something
to supplement the meal.

Come on, you guys, let's
go! We're gonna be late!

I'm glad you didn't
give them 10 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing
the first lady of musical theatre,

the inimitable,
the indestructible,

the unsinkable dame
Vanessa Huxtable.

- Bravo! Good show, I say!
- Bravo! Good show, I say!

Oh, Vanessa, I have seen many,
many productions of South Pacific,

but this was, by
far, my favorite.

Thank you.

I had no idea there was so much
talent in your ninth-grade class.

Thanks, Mom.

It's just too bad you missed
the first part of my song, Theo.

Vanessa, I already said
it. I'm sorry I made us late.

I did everything I could
to get home on time.

I even left Circus
Burger without eating.

But you walked in in the
middle of my only number,

just as I was saying,
"Pourquoi? Pourquoi?"

Vanessa, it was in French.

Nobody cared what
you were saying anyway.

Wait, wait, we've had
a wonderful evening.

Let's not ruin it.

All right, Dad. I'm going
upstairs to take my makeup off

- Thank you.
- Can I watch?

Oh, sure. I'll tell you what it's like
being adored by hundreds of people.

I'm gonna get
something cold to drink.

Uh, son, take it easy on us.

We only have five quarts of
milk and two gallons of juice left.

All right.

Oh, my head.

- What?
- Oh, my head.

I don't mind having to listen to
some 14-year olds sing and dance,

but when they pick up a
musical instrument, dear,

it tears me apart.

It sounded like somebody
had set back on a rocking chair

and caught 18 cats by the tail.

You know, Cliff, Theo just said
something that's got me puzzled.

Huh?

Well, now when Theo came home
this evening, he was 15 minutes late.

He told us he had eaten at Circus
Burger, but he was still hungry.

Just now he told Vanessa that he
didn't eat anything after the track meet.

Dear, I told you, you
run two and a half miles

and all the oxygen
doesn't get to your brain.

Sometimes you can't
remember if you ate.

I think there's something else going
on here besides a lack of oxygen,

and I'm going to
ask him about it.

- Dear, what about my head?
- It'll be here when I get back.

Well, I don't know about that.

It might go upstairs.

Theo?

Don't worry, Mom, I'll
save some for breakfast.

Thank you. Theo...

didn't you tell us that you
had eaten at Circus Burger?

Well, no, I told you that
we went to Circus Burger.

I didn't say anything
about eating.

You were at Circus Burger
and you didn't eat anything?

Well, I couldn't.

Coach told everyone to get on
the bus before we got our burgers.

Well, that sounds odd.

Why would the coach
make everybody get on the

bus before they could
get anything to eat?

Oh, he didn't do it to everybody.
Only some of us didn't get to eat.

- How many?
- Two.

Me and Cockroach.

Hey, Theo? Come here.

- Come here.
- Yeah?

Only you and Cockroach?

Yeah, it was strange.

You see, Cockroach and I were
in line waiting for our burgers,

when all of a sudden, coach comes
in and yells, "Everybody, that's it.

Get your things. We're
getting out of here."

That doesn't sound like
proper behavior for a coach.

Well, I know, Dad.

But you see, this is kind of a
difficult time for him right now.

- It is?
- Yeah.

You see, some of the guys on the team are
saying that he's having domestic problems.

You know, husband
and wife stuff.

So I guess it all just built
up until he just lost his mind.

Well, do you think we ought to call
somebody who can talk to the coach?

Oh, no. I wouldn't do that.

You see, coach is still doing a
great job, and we all feel loyal to him.

We're willing to wait until he
gets over his emotional problems.

I see.

Well, I'm beat. Good night.

Cliff, there is
something going on here,

and Theo's not telling
us the whole story.

If you don't mind,

as far as I'm concerned, the boy
was 15 minutes late. I don't know...

To a father, he was
just 15 minutes late,

but to a mother,
it's... why was he late?

- Hey, Rudy.
- Theo, you had a phone call.

- From who?
- Mr. Lukins.

- Mr. Lukins?
- Right, your principal.

Did you tell Mom
and Dad he called?

- No.
- Good.

You must be in big trouble.

Rudy, cut that out, okay?

And... please don't
tell anybody about this.

Hello, everybody.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.

Were there any phone calls?

- Yes, there was one for you.
- Thank you.

And one I'm not
supposed to tell you about.

You can keep that one for
yourself, but who called me?

Aunt Sarah. She said
she'd call you back later.

Okay. Thank you.

How'd I do?

Good. Thanks.

But I just hope Mom doesn't
look at the refrigerator.

Why?

That's where I left the message
for you that Mr. Lukins called.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.

- How's the water?
- Good.

Good. I think I'm gonna
get something cold to drink.

- I'll get it for you.
- No! I'll get it. Drink your water.

- Hi, son.
- Hey, Dad.

How was track practice today?

Oh, good. Excellent.

- Coach behave himself today?
- Yeah, he was fine.

Oh, by the way, Theo,

did you get the message
that Mr. Lukins called for you?

Who?

That message that you
just stuck in your pocket.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Mr. Lukins, the principal?
What's that call about?

I don't know, Dad.

Maybe he wants to tell you
that you've made the honor roll.

Maybe he wants to tell you that he
wants you to speak at the graduation.

Theo, could this call be in any way
related to your lateness yesterday?

You know... I bet
I know what it is.

Coach got in trouble for
what he did at Circus Burger,

and Mr. Lukins is calling
me to check the story.

Well, then you should call him
back on this phone right now.

This phone?

Yeah, I mean, there's no reason why you
wouldn't want to use this phone, is there?

No, but it... it's a a Saturday,
and it's Mr. Lukins' day off.

Theo, if anything
happened yesterday,

now would be a very
good time to tell us about it.

But there's nothing to tell you.

So you're saying we know
everything that we should know.

About yesterday.

Yes, you know everything you
should know about yesterday.

You're sure?

Mom, why are you all of a
sudden so suspicious of me?

I mean, I was a
couple of minutes late.

I don't get it.

You know, I'm 17,
you know? I'm an adult.

And you're treating
me like I'm some kid.

Cliff, if there is one thing that I cannot
abide, it's when someone is lying.

And Theo is not telling us the whole
truth, and I'm going to find him out.

He wants to be treated like an adult?
Okay. I'll treat him like he's an adult.

What are you gonna do?

You will see.

Hey, I'm an adult.
You can tell me.

You'll see when
you're supposed to see.

I'm 50 years old.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, fellas. How's it going?

Hope you two are hungry tonight.

We decided to make a
special dinner for you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Pancakes, french
fries, bacon-burger dogs.

Whoa! For dinner? Count me in!

- Yes, indeed.
- What are you doing all this?

Well, son, I have a feeling that
your life is going to change very soon.

I want you to remember the
good things about living here.

Okay.

- Theo, just the person I'm looking for.
- What's up?

Well, Theo, I'm still having
a hard time with yesterday.

You know, your lateness, the
Circus Burger and everything.

So I thought about
it and I said, "Well...

"one way for me to get
to the bottom of all this

would be for me to
call Mr. Lukins myself."

- Did you?
- No.

Because I realized that's not
the way we do things in this family.

Well, you know, I'm glad Mom,

because I know some parents who will
call other people to check on their kids,

and that kind of
tears the family apart.

Yeah.

But, Theo, I am still having a hard time
understanding exactly what happened.

So you leave me with no choice.

- Here.
- What's this?

Summons?

Brilliant.

"You the defendant,
Theodore Aloysius Huxtable,

"are directed to appear in
the family court of Brooklyn...

"located in the
Huxtable living room...

where you will be tried
before a jury of your peers."

Come on, is this a joke?

No.

What's the charge?

Read on.

"You are charged with
the telling of half-truths

and other crimes
against your parents."

Magnificent.

You're putting Theo on trial?

- Yes.
- Okay, this is unbelievable.

You guys come up with
the craziest things to do here.

I love this house.

Walter, I'm so happy
that you feel that way.

This is for you.

What's this?

That is your subpoena to
appear in court as a witness.

You can't do this to me.
My last name isn't Huxtable.

You know something?
You are right.

I should call your parents
and ask their permission.

No, no. I'll be happy
to join in the fun.

Good. Then I'll see you two
gentlemen in court at 3 PM sharp.

Welcome to the family, Walter.

Whoa.

Mom is definitely serious.

Are you sure we can handle this?

After all those courtroom shows
we've seen on TV, man, we're solid.

Good afternoon,
Mr. Huxtable, Mr. Bradley.

Uh-oh. She called us
"Mister." We're dead.

No, no, no. She's just
trying to rattle you. Chill out.

With me as your attorney,
you have nothing to worry about.

Here ye, here ye, this
court is now in session.

We will be hearing the case of
The Family vs. Theodore Huxtable.

All rise and stand
for the judge, please.

No, I object.

Ha ha ha.

We don't want to get on the
judge's bad side right from the start.

I apologize, your honor. I'm
very pleased you're our judge.

- Just make sure it doesn't happen again.
- Yes, your honor.

Bailiff, bring in the jury.

Jury.

That's the jury? We
better object now.

Are you kidding?
This is perfect.

I know exactly
what to say to kids.

I'll play 'em like violins.

The court will come to order.

Jury, first you will hear
from Mrs. Clair Huxtable,

attorney for the
prosecution. Mom.

Thank you. Lady and
gentlemen of the jury,

I hope to prove beyond
a shadow of a doubt

that this young man,
Theodore Aloysius Huxtable,

has been knowingly
and shamelessly

telling his parents half-truths
and other deceptions. Is that clear?

When do we get to
say Theo is guilty?

- Objection.
- Objection.

Rudy, Theo is not
guilty, he's innocent.

- He is?
- Yes, absolutely.

You see, in order
for Theo to be guilty,

I have to give you enough
evidence to prove that.

Innocent until proven guilty.

That is the basic privilege of
every citizen of the United States.

I like that. I like that.

Bailiff, I will not tolerate such
outbursts in my courtroom, is that clear?

Is there an opening
comment from the defense?

- Don't bury me.
- It's under control.

Lady and gentleman of the jury, I just
have one question for you here today.

Why are we here?

Because Theo was late.

Precisely.

But I mean, is being
late such a big crime?

Haven't we all been hassled by
our parents for no reason at all?

Have you ever been out
in your backyard having fun,

doing something
you really like to do,

and then your parents came
out and say, "Stop doing that."

- Yeah.
- I hear ya.

And how... how may times have
we been talking with our friends

about important things like
toys, clothes, and makeup

and we come in a few minutes late,
and our parents hassle us and say,

"Where have you
been? Go to your room."

Lady and gentleman of the jury,

it's not just Theodore Huxtable
who's on trial here today,

it's all children.

And you as the jury

have a chance to put an end to this
harassment of children everywhere.

So let my client go free,

and we can all go out
and get some ice cream.

Yay!

Can we go to the mall?

I object, your honor.

Mr. Bradley's last comment was
clearly made to bribe everybody.

Now may I remind you that your
first responsibility is to this trial.

You're right, Mom. I'm sorry.

Uh, jury, there will be no
ice cream after the trial.

Oh, no fair!

New judge!

Would the prosecuting attorney
like to call her first witness?

Thank you. I'd like to call to
the stand Heathcliff Huxtable.

- Me?
- Yes.

I'm the bailiff. Call
somebody else.

I know, but you're also
my surprise witness.

I don't want to be
the surprise witness.

Your honor, make
him take the stand.

Bailiff, you have
an attitude problem.

This is the second time
I've had to warn you.

Take the stand.

Please, Daddy?

You plan to tell the
truth, so sit down.

Dr. Huxtable, what is your
relationship to the accused?

He's my son... for
nearly 18 years.

And would you say that
mostly he's been a good son?

Oh, yeah.

He's... he's... he's all right.

Just yes or no will do.

Yes.

Thank you. On the
21st day of this month,

did you tell your son how important
that it was that he come home on time?

Yes.

And since he did not
come home on time,

would you say that something out
of the ordinary must have occurred?

- Yes.
- Thank you. No further questions.

Dr. Huxtable. Hmm?

You may not leave the
stand until I say "step down."

Well, say "step down."

I can't. You have to be cross-examined.
Your witness, Cockroach.

Now, Dr. Huxtable,

do you know why your son went
out for the cross country team?

Uh... the...

May I remind you
you're under oath.

Why did your son go out
for the cross-country team?

Uh, I know I'm under oath...

Isn't it true that you were so
desperate to have your son on the team

that you promised him if he finished
the season you'd buy him a car?

- Cliff!
- Answer the question, please!

Hey, boy, let me
tell you something!

Answer the question.

Come on, Dad.

Yes, I promised my son a
car if he went out for the team.

Lady and gentleman of the jury,

I submit that if Theo had
never joined the team,

he would have not been
late on that fateful night.

And he only joined the team
because his father promised him a car.

Therefore, I conclude that
if any crime was committed

it was committed by...

this man! He's the guilty one!

No further questions.
I rest my case.

You gonna rest
something else later, sporty.

Order.

Your honor, I'd like to call to the
stand Mr. Theodore Huxtable, please.

Theodore Huxtable to the stand.

- Do you promise to say it?
- I do.

There you go.

Mr. Huxtable, did you
tell me yesterday that

your coach was having
domestic problems?

- Yes.
- Where did you hear this?

From a reliable
source on the team.

- Who?
- Cockroach.

So you heard from your
teammate Cockroach

that your coach was
having domestic problems.

Well, yeah, you see, he read that
when you have domestic problems,

you take it out on other people.

The coach is always
taking things out on us.

So you have no personal knowledge
of the coach having domestic problems?

Well, no.

Okay, so then what
you told me wasn't a lie,

but not exactly the truth?

Well...

Let's go to another subject,
Mr. Huxtable. Circus Burgers.

Would it be fair to say that
you love Circus Burgers?

Not as much as I
love my parents.

My sisters... and their friends.

But you do love them.

Well, yes... if you
can love a hamburger.

Then you should
have been very excited

when the cross-country team
went to Circus Burger yesterday.

Yes.

When the bus pulled up,
did you and Walter rush in?

- Yes.
- Were' you first in line?

Well, no. You see, we're not
the fastest guys on the team,

so we ended up
being in the middle.

But, Mr. Huxtable,
you told me yesterday

that you and Walter were
the only two team members

who didn't get a chance
to eat their burgers.

Yeah.

Well, how is it that the team
members behind you got their burgers

and you didn't get yours?

They're animals. They'll do
anything to get a Circus Burger.

- And you wouldn't?
- Not if it means being impolite.

Excuse me, Mr. Huxtable.

Last week, I saw you
push your father aside

and step on your little sister

to get in front of the
Circus Burger line.

Well, yeah, but I was hungry.

You were not hungry yesterday?

Well, I was, but...

Something prevented you
from getting your Circus Burger.

Something out of the ordinary.
What was that something?

- Uh...
- Did you run out of money?

- No.
- Did you suddenly become vegetarian?

- No.
- Did you forget how to order?

- No.
- Did your feet fall asleep?

Were you standing in
a "milk shake only" line?

Or were you tackled by
the Circus Burger clown?

Wait, Mom, stop. Come on.

I'm not some
criminal. I'm your kid.

No, you're not.

You told me to treat
you like an adult.

Well, is this how
you treat adults?

When I take them to court, yes.

Now, are you gonna
tell me the whole truth,

or do I begin to play rough?

Okay, I'll talk.

Now, we didn't mean
any harm by this, Mom,

and if we knew this was going to
happen, we never would have done it.

What did you do?

Well, there was this girl behind the
counter, and she was kind of overweight.

And Cockroach and I were
making jokes about her.

But we didn't think
she could hear us.

But some other guys on
the team started laughing,

so we started
telling more jokes.

And by the time we got
to the front of the line,

she was crying.

I guess she overheard us.

And that's why your coach was yelling
at you and made you get on the bus?

Yeah.

He took everybody
else home first,

then he stopped the bus and gave
me and Cockroach a 20-minute lecture.

- And that's why you were late?
- Yeah.

So what did he say to
you today at practice?

Well, we didn't go
to track practice.

After the lecture, the
coach took our uniforms.

- So you're off the team.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry I tried to keep
it from you and Mom.

Theo, is there anything
else you're keeping from us?

Like you're being
sued by Circus Burger

or you have a wife and child
on the other side of town?

No, that's it.
There's nothing else.

Now how many times
do we have to tell you

to tell us the truth,
no matter what it is?

Because when you don't tell
the truth, your life falls apart.

I mean, look at you.

Past couple of days you been
around here scrambling, back-peddling,

covering your tracks,
giving all this deception.

None of this would have
ever happened, Theo,

if you had just told us
everything from the beginning.

And, honey, that's what I'm
trying to get through to you.

- Do you understand?
- Yeah.

Does everybody here understand?

Huh?

Rudy, were you listening to me?

- Yeah.
- Okay, what did I say?

I don't know.

Vanessa, tell your
sister what I said.

Oh. Mom, I was
concentrating on being a judge.

Did anybody here today
learn anything from all of this?

Well, I did.

From now on, I'm
going to tell the truth

because I don't have enough
money to hire a good lawyer.

That's good enough for me.

I withdraw my charges,
and this trial is over.

Oh, good.

Hey! We didn't get
to say Theo's guilty

Let's go get some ice cream.

Yay!

- At the mall?
- At the mall.

You know, Mom, I want you to
know that first thing in the morning,

I'm gonna go down to Circus
Burger and apologize to that girl.

Can I believe that?

Well, hey, I'm reformed.

Uh, Dr. Huxtable, I hope
there are no hard feelings.

No, no, no.

You know, this was a rewarding
experience for me here today.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

You see, I always feel like I grow
as a person when I'm in this house.

So I was hoping that whatever was
brought up here today remains here?

You're telling me you don't want
me to say anything to your parents?

Yeah, correct.

Did you understand anything that
Mrs. Huxtable was trying to say?

- About what?
- That's what I thought.

Let's go get some ice cream.

♪♪

The Cosby Show was taped
before a studio audience.